By Ariella, France

In August 2021, I came to a church to water newcomers. After a while, I found that one of the newcomers had a rather arrogant disposition, often insisted on her own ideas, and couldn’t work in harmony with her brothers and sisters. When others advised her of her problem, not only did she refuse to listen, she also argued over right and wrong, and judged them behind their backs and condemned them, causing them to feel constrained and disrupting the work of the church. In principle, she ought to be replaced. However, I was having some concerns, because I knew I should fellowship with her over this issue, but I had never been a leader or worker before, had never fellowshipped with anyone on this topic, and I didn’t know how I should do so. But I also didn’t want to ask the supervisor, afraid that when she knew I couldn’t handle even this problem, she would think me incapable, and she would see right through me, and afterward would no longer value or cultivate me. I also thought about the fact that this newcomer was French, and that my spoken French was not very good. If I didn’t express myself clearly, this could cause the newcomer to become negative and weak and withdraw from her faith, and this would be my fault. I thought this over and over, and passed the matter to the church leader Brother Claude to handle. I even found a noble-sounding justification, that this was training for Claude, letting him learn how to solve problems on his own. But later, because he didn’t explain things clearly during his fellowship, the newcomer became negative and had misunderstandings, and she withdrew and stopped believing. Because of this, Claude became very despondent. He said he was too stupid to do fellowship. I knew this affair was my responsibility, but I failed to dissect my problems openly with him. I calmly fellowshipped with him and went over his errors. Not only did I not reveal my true situation, I also let him mistakenly believe I was very good at solving problems.

A few days later at a gathering, in her fellowship our leader pointed out my situation. She said that a watering worker performed her duties without taking responsibility. When facing a problem she didn’t solve it herself, but passed it on to a newcomer leader to do so, with the result that the problem was not properly resolved and a newcomer withdrew. When I heard the leader point out my problem so bluntly, I blushed to my roots, feeling I had lost so much face. Supervisors and watering workers from several churches were there. What would everyone think of me having heard that? They must surely think I was not to be trusted. After finishing her fellowship, she let everyone speak. I thought, “The leader spoke so directly here, and I was the one involved. If I don’t fellowship now, won’t that make it seem as if I don’t have an attitude of accepting pruning? That would definitely give the leader a very bad impression.” To restore my image, I fellowshipped first, and said with a slight whimper, “I feel great remorse that I let something like this happen. I see now that I am a very irresponsible person.” After demonstrating self-knowledge I started to explain myself, saying, “Previously I had tried to learn about the newcomer’s situation and fellowshipped with her on God’s word, and made a lot of effort to help and support her. But because of the language barrier, when it came to dismissing her, I passed this to Claude to handle. I did not consider the consequences of this, which resulted in the newcomer withdrawing.” After the talk, a sister sent me a message and without mincing her words said, “The tone of your speech was too meek, a little calculating. It sounded uncomfortable, just as if you were saying to people that you already knew you were wrong, and they shouldn’t keep telling you off.” When I read the message, my face burned bright red and I felt really ashamed. It was very embarrassing, like someone pulling back the curtain to expose a trick being played. Afterward, I always carried the sister’s words in my heart. I thought, she pointed out my problems uncompromisingly, and there must be God’s intention behind it. I should properly reflect and try to understand myself better. Whilst reflecting, I realized that whenever I was pruned, I always willingly admitted my problems and then expressed my real difficulties in a sad and aggrieved tone to win others’ sympathy and understanding, so that everyone would be lenient toward me and no longer hold me accountable. At the same time I also wanted others to feel that I could accept pruning, and have a good impression of me. Only then did I realize that my words had been full of trickery. Following that, I focused on the issue when eating and drinking the word of God.

One day, I remembered the dialogue between God and Satan in the Bible: “And Jehovah said to Satan, From where come you? Then Satan answered Jehovah, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it” (Job 1:7). God has exposed and dissected the way in which Satan speaks: “Satan’s words have a certain characteristic: What Satan says leaves you scratching your head, unable to perceive the source of its words. Sometimes Satan has motives and speaks deliberately, and sometimes governed by its nature, such words emerge spontaneously, and come straight out of Satan’s mouth. Satan does not spend a long time weighing such words; rather, they are expressed without thinking. When God asked where it came from, Satan answered with a few ambiguous words. You feel very puzzled, never knowing exactly where Satan is from. Are there any among you who speak like this? What kind of way is this to speak? (It is ambiguous and does not give a certain answer.) What kind of words should we use to describe this way of speaking? It is diversionary and misguiding. Suppose someone does not want to let others know what they did yesterday. You ask them: ‘I saw you yesterday. Where were you going?’ They do not tell you directly where they went. Rather, they say: ‘What a day it was yesterday. It was so tiring!’ Did they answer your question? They did, but they did not give the answer you wanted. This is the ‘genius’ within the artifice of man’s speech. You can never discover what they mean, nor perceive the source or intention of their words. You do not know what they are trying to avoid because in their heart they have their own story—this is insidious. Are there any among you who also often speak in this way? (Yes.) What then is your purpose? Is it sometimes to protect your own interests, sometimes to maintain your own pride, position, and image, to protect the secrets of your private life? Whatever the purpose, it is inseparable from your interests, linked to your interests. Is this not the nature of man? All who have such a nature are closely related to Satan, if not its family. We can put it like this, can we not? Generally speaking, this manifestation is detestable and abhorrent” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique IV). In the past, when I read that God said Satan speaks in a diversionary and misguiding manner, I always felt that people who could play these tricks were all scheming and shrewd. But when I read the word of God I discovered that I also revealed this kind of behavior. When the leader exposed me in front of my brothers and sisters, outwardly I accepted it and admitted that I had not acted responsibly. Actually, I didn’t really accept it, and felt a bit wronged. I felt I hadn’t been doing this duty for long, so these problems were excusable. Why did she expose me so directly in the gathering, without leaving me even a little face? After that, everyone definitely thought I was not to be trusted and irresponsible. To restore my image, to let the brothers and sisters think I could accept pruning, I willingly admitted my mistake, and spoke in a meek tone with a deliberate whimper, as I wanted to tell people that I already knew I was wrong, that I was remorseful and very sorry, and that they shouldn’t blame me anymore; that I was someone who could correct my mistakes and accept the truth. On the surface, I appeared to know myself, but I actually used this method to keep people’s mouths quiet and stop them from continuing to talk about my problems or holding me accountable. This was my real intention. It was only when I reflected on this that I realized I was as treacherous and cunning as Satan. My words were filled with schemes to mislead and confuse people. The irresponsible way I did my duty caused problems and I was named by the leader. Not only did I not repent, but I pretended in front of the brothers and sisters to have self-knowledge, so that they would think I was someone who could accept the truth. I really was sly and deceitful! Speaking openly and knowing oneself should be manifestations of practicing the truth, but my frank confession contained tricks, it was self-justification to evade responsibility. I truly was too treacherous!

After that, I saw another passage of God’s word that reveals people’s evil disposition. God says: “Deceitfulness can usually be seen on the outside: Someone beats around the bush or uses flowery language, and no one can read what they are thinking. That is deceitfulness. What is the primary characteristic of wickedness? It’s that their words sound especially pleasing, and everything seems right on the surface. There doesn’t appear to be any problem, and things look pretty good from every angle. When they do something, you don’t see them using any particular means, and outwardly, there is no sign of weak points or flaws, yet they achieve their goal. They do things in an extremely secretive manner. This is how antichrists mislead people. People and matters like these are the most difficult to discern. Some people often say the right things, use good-sounding excuses, and employ certain doctrines, sayings, or actions that conform to human affection to pull the wool over people’s eyes. They feign one thing while doing another in order to achieve their ulterior purpose. This is wickedness, but most people consider these behaviors to be deceitful. People have a relatively limited understanding and dissection of wickedness. Actually, wickedness is more difficult to discern than deceitfulness because it is more secretive, and its methods and actions are more sophisticated. If someone has a deceitful disposition within them, usually, others can detect their deceitfulness within two or three days of interacting with them, or they can perceive the revelation of their deceitful disposition in the person’s actions and words. However, supposing that person is wicked: This isn’t something that can be discerned within a few days, because without any significant events or special circumstances taking place in a short period of time, it isn’t easy to discern anything from just listening to them talk. They always say and do the right things, and present one right doctrine after another. After a few days of interacting with them, you might think this person is pretty good, is able to forsake things and expend themselves, has spiritual understanding, has a God-loving heart, and has both conscience and reason in the way they act. But after they handle a few matters, you see that their speech and actions are mixed up with too many things, too many devilish intentions. You realize that this person isn’t honest but deceitful—a wicked thing. They frequently use the right words and pleasing phrases that align with the truth and possess human affection to interact with people. In one respect, they establish themselves, and in another, they mislead others, achieving prestige and status among people. Such individuals are incredibly misleading, and once they attain power and status, they can mislead and harm many people. People with wicked dispositions are highly dangerous” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Five: They Mislead, Draw In, Threaten, and Control People). God’s word reveals that the main characteristic of people with evil dispositions is that they are secretive in words and deeds. To hide their intentions from others, they always use the right words, and employ methods that are in accordance with human feelings and seem to be in line with the truth to achieve their ulterior motive. I thought about those things I had done; it was the same trick: I couldn’t handle the newcomer’s problems, so to hide my true stature from my supervisor, I passed the matter onto the newcomer leader. I even found a lofty-sounding excuse: This is training for Claude, to teach him how to solve problems on his own. In the end, he didn’t handle it well, and I fellowshipped with him and summed up his errors. I not only failed to reveal my real self, I also presented a good image in front of him to make him believe I was good at dealing with these issues. When I was exposed by my leader, to restore my image in everyone’s heart, I admitted my mistakes to stop other people talking, and even used a whimpering tone to win everyone’s sympathy and understanding and make them think I could accept the truth, knew myself, and had an attitude of repentance. That way, they wouldn’t hold me responsible anymore. Reflecting on my words and deeds in light of God’s words, I saw that I was really terrible. I used words that seemed to be in line with people’s sensibilities and with the truth to cover up my own despicable motives, and thereby mislead and confuse people. I was actually a sinister, deceitful and sly person. Previously, when I read God’s words revealing people’s evil disposition, I never applied them to myself, thinking that I wasn’t such a person. Having been exposed by the facts, and after further self-examination based on God’s words, I finally had a little knowledge of my evil disposition.

On further reflection I realized that I had revealed my evil disposition in many areas. I remembered, not long before, the supervisor had asked me to hand over a job to Sister Marina and let her take over from me. When I heard this arrangement, I was disappointed. I had been responsible for this work on my own for over two years, and I thought that no one could replace me in this duty. I didn’t think it would be given to someone else. I really wanted to ask the supervisor if I could continue to be in charge of this work, but I feared the supervisor would think I was too ambitious and unreasonable, so I didn’t say anything. Outwardly, I obeyed, but when I handed over the work, I used the presence of the supervisor and Marina to deliberately mention some key details in this work. I wanted them to see that the experience I had accumulated and the principles I had learned in doing this duty couldn’t be picked up in just a few days or weeks, so that the supervisor might let me continue performing this duty. Sure enough, after the handover, the supervisor asked me if I could mentor Marina a little longer. I was very happy to hear this. Although I wasn’t able to continue being responsible for the work, what I said had served my own aim. Afterward, whatever problems and difficulties Marina encountered in her duty, she came to me to let me evaluate and judge things, and also asked me to review every task. In this way, I quietly took the power back into my own hands. Looking back in detail at my behavior at the time, I obviously didn’t want someone else to take my place, but to keep the supervisor from thinking I was arrogant and unreasonable, I used the opportunity of handing over the job to show off my qualifications, and won the supervisor’s approval. In this way, I successfully held onto this power, and “cleverly” concealed my own intentions. The more I reflected on my behavior, the more afraid I felt. I really didn’t dare believe I was this kind of person.

During a gathering, I read two passages of God’s words revealing the evil dispositions of antichrists that gave me some further knowledge of myself. Almighty God says: “The wickedness of antichrists has one obvious characteristic, and I will share with you the secret of discerning it: It is that in their speech and action alike, you cannot fathom their depths or see into their hearts. When they speak to you, their eyes always swivel around, and you cannot tell what sort of scheme they are hatching. Sometimes, they make you feel that they are loyal or quite sincere, but this is not the case—you can never see through them. You have a particular feeling in your heart, a sense that there is a deep subtlety to their thoughts, an unfathomable depth, that they are devious” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Seven: They Are Wicked, Insidious, and Deceitful (Part Two)). “Here, ‘devious’ means insidious and cunning, and it refers to abnormal behavior. This abnormality refers to being deeply hidden and impenetrable to the average person, who can’t see what such people are thinking or doing. In other words, the methods, motives, and starting points of this type of person’s actions are particularly difficult to fathom, and sometimes their behavior is also sneaky and furtive. In short, there is a term that can describe the actual manifestation and state of a person’s deviousness, which is ‘a lack of transparency,’ making them unfathomable and incomprehensible to others. The actions of antichrists have this nature—that is, when you realize and sense that their intentions for doing something are not straightforward, you find it quite terrifying, yet in the short term or for some reason, you still cannot see through their motives and intentions, and you just unconsciously feel that their actions are devious. Why do they give you this kind of feeling? In one respect, it’s because no one can get a feel for what they say or do. Another is that they often talk in a roundabout manner, misdirecting you, eventually making you unsure which of their statements are true and which are false, and what their words actually mean. When they lie, you think it’s the truth; you don’t know which statement is true or false, and you often feel that you’ve been fooled and tricked. Why does this feeling arise? It is because such people never act transparently; you cannot see clearly what they are doing or what they are busy with, inevitably making you suspicious of them. In the end, you see that their disposition is deceitful, insidious, and also wicked” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Six). God’s words revealed the extremely evil dispositions of antichrists. There are always ulterior motives behind what they say and do, which makes them impossible to fathom. To achieve their own goals, antichrists often use illusions and sly methods to deceive and mislead people. They bamboozle others to the point that no one knows which of their words are true or false. My behavior was as sly as an antichrist’s; everything I said and did always had personal motives. When I had a problem in doing my duty, I racked my brain to find ways to avoid it, and also to prevent my true stature from being exposed to my supervisor. When my leader exposed the problems in my duty, what I considered was how to make people feel that I was someone who accepted the truth, and how to shirk my responsibility. When I wanted to seize power and keep my position, I calculated how to not reveal my ambitions, and how to ensure the supervisor let me carry on being involved in the work and having the final say. I never thought there were such ulterior motives behind my words and deeds! To protect my reputation and position, all I thought about was how to conceal myself and deceive others. Especially in front of my leader and supervisor, I thought carefully before every word I uttered, about which words would both achieve my purpose and effectively hide my real thinking. This was an antichrist disposition! As I reflected on this, I was a little afraid. God requires us to be honest people and say what we actually think, and be open about the corruption we reveal, what we don’t understand and what we can’t do. But what I thought about all the time was how to disguise myself, how to make people look up to me, and how to maintain my image. Everything I did was calculated, insidious and sly, and all I revealed was the deceitful and evil disposition of Satan. Once I realized this, scenes began flashing before my eyes. I recalled my childhood—my mother taught me “Fast horses don’t need whips, loud drums don’t need heavy drumsticks,” so I always strove to be a “fast horse” and “loud drum,” and an obedient well-behaved child. If I did something wrong, I admitted it right away without needing reminders. My parents hardly ever scolded or disciplined me when I was growing up, so I felt that being self-aware and admitting my mistakes could avoid a lot of suffering. For example, if I failed an exam, to keep my parents from blaming or scolding me, before they could speak I would start to cry, and put on a show of being miserable. My parents couldn’t bear it when I cried. They feared I couldn’t take any more pressure, so they no longer blamed me. Instead, they comforted me. So I escaped my parents’ reproach, and my self-respect remained intact. After believing in God, I was still the same. When I failed to do my duty well and needed to take responsibility, I put on a show of being miserable and argued my case to cover up my careless and irresponsible behavior so that no one would prune me. Living by a satanic philosophy for worldly dealings had truly made me increasingly cunning and deceitful. I was really good at trimming my sails to the wind, using many insidious tricks, and had become the very image of Satan. The most terrifying thing was that tricks and cheating felt almost normal to me. Were it not for my sister warning me and exposing me, I wouldn’t have had the slightest awareness or felt any shame at all. I thought of God’s word: “God saves honest people, and those He wants for His kingdom are honest people. If you are capable of lies and trickery, you are a deceitful, crooked, and insidious person; you are not an honest person. If you are not an honest person, then there is no chance that God will save you, nor can you possibly be saved” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Most Fundamental Practice of Being an Honest Person). “If your words are riddled with excuses and valueless justifications, then I say that you are someone who is loath to put the truth into practice. If you have many confidences that you are reluctant to share, if you are highly averse to laying bare your secrets—your difficulties—before others to seek the way of the light, then I say that you are someone who will not attain salvation easily, and who will not easily emerge from the darkness” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Three Admonitions). From God’s word, we can see that God hates and despises deceitful people. Deceitful people have too many dark aspects in their hearts. Their words and actions always cheat and mislead people, and they never practice God’s word. No matter how many years they believe in God, their corrupt dispositions do not change, and they can never achieve salvation. Recognizing this, I felt that I was in real danger. I prayed to God to say I wished to repent, and asked God to guide me and help me make a real change.

One day, I read in God’s word: “Be an honest person; pray to God to rid you of the deceit in your heart. Purify yourself through prayer at all times, be moved by the Spirit of God through prayer, and your disposition will gradually change” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Concerning the Practice of Prayer). “You must seek the truth to resolve any problem that arises, no matter what it is, and by no means disguise yourself or put on a false face for others. Your shortcomings, your deficiencies, your faults, your corrupt dispositions—be completely open about them all, and fellowship about them all. Do not keep them inside. Learning how to open yourself up is the first step toward life entry, and it is the first hurdle, which is the most difficult to overcome. Once you have overcome it, entering the truth is easy. What does taking this step signify? It means that you are opening your heart and showing everything you have, good or bad, positive or negative; baring yourself for others and for God to see; hiding nothing from God, concealing nothing, disguising nothing, free of deceit and trickery, and being likewise open and honest with other people. In this way, you live in the light, and not only will God scrutinize you, but other people will also be able to see that you act with principle and a degree of transparency. You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts. If you can let these things go, you will be very relaxed, you will live without constraints or pain, and you will live entirely in the light. Learning how to be open when you fellowship is the first step to life entry. Next, you need to learn to dissect your thoughts and actions to see which are wrong and which God does not like, and you need to reverse them immediately and rectify them. What is the purpose of rectifying them? It is to accept and take on board the truth, while getting rid of the things within you that belong to Satan and replacing them with the truth. Before, you did everything according to your deceitful disposition which is lying and deceptive; you felt that you could get nothing done without lying. Now that you understand the truth, and loathe Satan’s ways of doing things, you no longer act that way, you act with a mentality of honesty, purity, and submission. If you hold nothing back, if you do not put on a front, a pretense, or cover things up, if you lay yourself bare to the brothers and sisters, do not hide your innermost ideas and thoughts, but instead allow others to see your honest attitude, then the truth will gradually take root in you, it will blossom and bear fruit, it will yield results, little-by-little. If your heart is increasingly honest, and increasingly oriented toward God, and if you know to protect the interests of God’s house when you perform your duty, and your conscience is troubled when you fail to protect these interests, then this is proof that the truth has had an effect in you, and has become your life” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). God’s words touched my heart. God’s requirements are actually very simple. They are that we speak and act purely and honestly, that in our hearts we have no deceit, and no pretense or deception, that we have an honest heart toward God, and that we are honest with others. If we have done something wrong or lied, we need to admit it and reflect on ourselves, and accept the truth with a sincere attitude. Only in this way can we gradually resolve our satanic dispositions. I thought about some brothers and sisters who were pruned. Although they felt ashamed at the time, they were able to accept and submit. Afterward, they could seek the truth, reflect on themselves, and find the cause of their failure. After some time they made more and more progress, became increasingly better in their duties, and they had God’s guidance. As for me, to maintain my own image and position, I always took steps to shirk my responsibilities and to avoid pruning, and I thought to myself I was doing things the smart way. What did I get as a result? After years of believing in God, my life disposition hadn’t changed. I was still so cunning, deceitful, and evil. I did my duty without grasping the principles, and when I encountered problems I didn’t know how to solve them. Only then did I realize that by using tricks time and time again to shirk responsibility and avoid pruning, I was actually rejecting God’s salvation and ruining my chances to gain the truth. And every time I used tricks to shirk responsibility, I had to rack my brains to think of what to say and what excuse to use. I might get away with it once, but the next time a threat to my reputation and image came along, I had to think of another method to deceive people. Living in this deceitful and dishonest state every day was very tiring, God hates and detests it, and in the end, I would ruin my chances to gain the truth and be saved. How was this smart? I was ignorant and foolish. When I realized this, I eagerly wanted to resolve my deceitful and evil dispositions and become an honest person.

It occurred to me that Claude still didn’t know my despicable motives for asking him to fellowship with the newcomer. If I didn’t open up to him, not only would he have no discernment of me, he would still look up to me, and still be in a negative state and feel he couldn’t do the work. So, I went to Claude, opened up to him about my motives for sending him to fellowship with the newcomer, and told him what I had learned from the matter. I also said I bore most of the blame for the newcomer’s withdrawal and that I was selfish and despicable. Merely to protect my own face and interests, I had deceived him and made him take responsibility. Then he opened up to me about his self-reflection, knowledge, and what he had gained in this matter. After fellowshipping with him, I felt a great sense of release. I realized that only by practicing the truth and being an honest person can we feel peace of mind. After that, my supervisor organized a meeting to go over the shortcomings in our work. My effectiveness had greatly declined that month. I wanted to escape from this work meeting, but I knew clearly that God would be examining my every word and deed to see how I behaved—to see if I would get up to my old tricks again to defend my image and position, and cover up my shortcomings and problems, or if I would face up to the problems in my duty, speak openly, and be an honest person. I told myself to practice the truth, even if it damaged my image. So, I opened up about how I muddled through and played tricks in my work during that period, and said I would sum up my problems and errors, correct my attitude toward my duty, and strive to be more effective. After this fellowship, I felt a great sense of release, and I had the will and motivation to perform my duty well. After I finished, my brothers and sisters didn’t look down on me. Instead, they discussed with me some ways of practice for performing our duties. I benefited a great deal from their fellowship, and also learned more ways to change my errors. After that, when doing my duties I put these ways into practice, and I slowly became more effective in my work. I was very grateful to God.

Through this experience, I genuinely feel that no matter what mistakes we make or corruption we reveal in our duties, as long as we can face things calmly, open our hearts, and seek the truth, not only will no one look down on us, we can also reflect on ourselves and perform our duties better. I also felt that only those who practice the truth and are honest people have character and dignity, and only they truly feel at ease and free.