By Hai Lun, China

When I first began working as a leader, I was partnered with Sister Chen Xiao. When I saw that Chen Xiao had good caliber and was bold and resolute in her work, whereas I was inarticulate, had a subservient personality, and possessed an embarrassingly partial understanding of the skills needed for my work, I felt inferior and unqualified to be a leader. After observing how Chen Xiao adeptly fellowshipped and handled all manner of issues while I just sat aside awkwardly, I felt even more sure that I didn’t have what it took and became increasingly despondent. I remained in that state for several months. Later on, I continued to serve as a church leader, but was given a new partner named Li Xue. When I saw how Li Xue was pretty, refined, capable and experienced, and gave the overall impression of a successful and professional girlboss, whereas I spoke without confidence, lacked any resolve, would often become anxious and withdrawn around people I didn’t know or in situations with large groups of people, and lacked even the slightest semblance of a leader, I couldn’t help but feel despondent. Each time Li Xue returned from a gathering, she would candidly discuss how she inquired with brothers and sisters about their current states and fellowshipped using God’s words to resolve their issues and she would mention how much respect the brothers and sisters all had for her. When she spoke about these things, she was always radiant with delight. Despite noting that Li Xue seemed to be a bit self-aggrandizing, I felt that her occasional revelations of corruption were not a big problem given how she had good caliber and working ability, and was able to resolve issues. I was no match for her, I thought, I lacked her resoluteness. After that, when I encountered issues, I would shrink and withdraw, thinking myself incapable, not daring to offer fellowship. Gradually, my state became worse and worse, and I felt even more convinced that I had poor caliber, lacked the truth reality, and was not cut out to be a leader. I wallowed in that despondent emotional state and just went through the motions in my duty. Because I continually failed to seek the truth and could not pull myself out of my negative slump, it was not long before I was dismissed. One year later, my brothers and sisters once again chose me to serve as a leader. I was partnered up with Sister Wu Fan and I soon noticed that she had good caliber and working ability, and mostly every time we worked together, she would take on a guiding role. One time in particular, when we co-hosted a gathering, Wu Fan did the majority of the fellowshipping and the brothers and sisters also enthusiastically chimed in with their own fellowship. As for me, I wanted to fellowship, but I worried that I wouldn’t be able to fellowship effectively and so I ended up not saying anything to avoid embarrassment. I felt quite despondent after the gathering and thought that I still just wasn’t cut out to be a leader. I wanted to just do some duty related to general affairs as a laborer and didn’t want to be a leader anymore.

One day, I told my state to a few sisters, one sister reminded me that it would be quite dangerous for me if I didn’t resolve my state promptly and that I really needed to spend some time in reflection. It was only then that I gained a bit of self-awareness: “Why am I so despondent? Why don’t I have even the slightest bit of determination to strive to improve?” In the following days, I ceaselessly prayed to God, beseeching Him to guide me to understand my state and emerge from my despondency. Later on, I came across this passage of God’s words: “There are some people who, as children, were ordinary-looking, inarticulate, and not very quick-witted, causing others in their families and social environments to give rather unfavorable appraisals of them, saying things like: ‘This kid is dull-witted, slow, and a clumsy speaker. Look at other people’s children, who are so well-spoken that they can wrap people around their little finger. Whereas this kid just pouts all day long. He doesn’t know what to say when meeting people, doesn’t know how to explain or justify himself after doing something wrong, and can’t amuse people. This kid is an idiot.’ The parents say this, relatives and friends say this, and their teachers also say this. This environment exerts a certain, invisible pressure on such individuals. Through experiencing these environments, they unconsciously develop a certain kind of mindset. What kind of mindset? They think that they are not good-looking, not very likable, and that others are never happy to see them. They believe that they are not good at studying, are slow, and always feel embarrassed to open their mouths and speak in front of others. They are too embarrassed to say thank you when people give them something, thinking to themselves, ‘Why am I always so tongue-tied? Why are other people such smooth talkers? I’m just stupid!’ Subconsciously, they think they are worthless, but still are unwilling to acknowledge being that worthless, being that stupid. In their hearts they always ask themselves, ‘Am I really that stupid? Am I really that unpleasant?’ Their parents do not like them, and neither do their brothers and sisters, their teachers or their classmates. And occasionally their family members, their relatives and friends say of them, ‘He is short, his eyes and nose are small, and with looks like that, he will not be successful when he grows up.’ So, when they look in the mirror, they see that their eyes are indeed small. In this situation, the resistance, dissatisfaction, unwillingness, and unacceptance in the depths of their heart turn gradually to acceptance and acknowledgment of their own shortcomings, deficiencies, and issues. Although they can accept this reality, a persistent emotion arises in the depths of their heart. What is this emotion called? It is inferiority. People who feel inferior do not know what their strengths are. They just think that they are unlikable, always feel stupid, and do not know how to deal with things. In short, they feel they cannot do anything, are unattractive, are not clever, and have slow reactions. They are unremarkable compared to others and do not get good grades in their studies. After growing up in such an environment, this mindset of inferiority gradually takes over. It turns into a kind of lingering emotion that becomes tangled with your heart and fills your mind. Regardless of whether you are already grown, have gone out into the world, are married and established in your career, and regardless of your social status, this feeling of inferiority that was planted in your environment growing up is impossible to get rid of. Even after you start believing in God and join the church, you still think that you have average looks, have poor intellectual caliber, are inarticulate, and cannot do anything. You think, ‘I’ll just do what I can. I don’t need to aspire to be a leader, I don’t need to pursue profound truths, I’ll just be content with being the least significant one, and let others treat me however they like.’ When antichrists and false leaders appear, you feel unable to discern or expose them, that you are not cut out for doing that. You feel that as long as you yourself are not a false leader or antichrist then that is enough, that as long as you do not cause disruptions and disturbances then that is fine, and that it is enough so long as you can stand in your own position. In the depths of your heart, you feel that you are not good enough and are not as good as other people, that others are perhaps objects for salvation, and that you, at best, are a service-doer, and so you feel you are not up to the task of pursuing the truth. Irrespective of how much truth you are able to understand, you still feel that, seeing as God has predestined you to have the kind of caliber you do and to look the way you do, then perhaps He has predestined you to be merely a service-doer, and that you have nothing to do with pursuing the truth, becoming a leader, becoming someone in a position of responsibility, or being saved; instead, you are willing to be the most insignificant person” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). Pondering over God’s words, I realized that I was bound up in feelings of inferiority. Ever since I was little, I had always thought I had average looks, was inarticulate, had a subservient personality, often felt despondent and inhibited and suffered from a bad inferiority complex. I had the same problem during my worldly career—my colleagues were well-spoken, adept at flattery, resolute in their management of employees, and some were even highly thought of by their superiors. By contrast, I was inarticulate, incapable of maintaining good relationships with various departments, lacked confidence and resoluteness in my work, and when issues occurred on the production line, others would use their connections and say the right things to get the problem resolved, but not me—I just couldn’t get myself to talk, the problem would remain unresolved, and I’d just lock myself in a bathroom stall and cry. After joining the faith, I became envious of brothers and sisters that were more educated than me, had good caliber, and were steadfast and bold in their work. I felt I just didn’t measure up to them and became quite constrained. As a result, I was often negative, withdrawn, avoidant and suffered from a feeling of inferiority. This is how things went in my partnerships with Chen Xiao and Li Xue—because they were well-spoken and had good caliber and working ability, I felt inferior to them. I didn’t even think it was an issue when I observed Li Xue being self-aggrandizing, treating it as a sign of her resoluteness in her work. I was mired in this feeling of inferiority, my state continually declined, I wasn’t doing well in my duty and was ultimately dismissed. Despite the fact that I was once again chosen by my brothers and sisters to serve as a leader, deep down I still felt inferior and believed myself to have poor caliber, to be incapable of doing anything well, and that I was bound to be a laborer and would not attain salvation. I realized that I had been profoundly fettered and bound up in feelings of inferiority. I thought of how God has incarnated and endured all manner of sufferings in order to save mankind, continually expressing truth and watering and suppling mankind so that more people may receive His saving grace, attain salvation and survive the calamities. If people miss out on this opportunity, they will inevitably face the coming calamities and eternal punishment. I didn’t understand God’s intentions, was mired in negativity and misunderstanding, and had already resigned myself to the idea that I would not attain salvation. I didn’t even want to strive and pursue the truth—I was just so rebellious and my actions were hurtful to God. Having realized all this, I felt quite guilty and indebted to God—I couldn’t keep wallowing in despondency, so I prayed to God: “O God! I am ready to repent to You. Please guide me out of these negative feelings of inferiority.”

Later on, I came across this passage of God’s words: “Finally, there is something I would like to tell you: Do not let a minor feeling or a simple, insignificant emotion tangle you up for the rest of your life so that it affects your attainment of salvation and destroys your hope for salvation, understand? (Yes.) This emotion of yours is not only negative, to be more accurate, it is actually in opposition to God and the truth. You might think that this is an emotion within normal humanity, but in God’s eyes, this is not just a simple matter of emotion, but a method of opposition to God. It is a method marked by negative emotions that people use to resist God, God’s words and the truth. Therefore, I hope that, assuming you want to pursue the truth, you will examine yourself thoroughly to see whether you are holding onto these negative emotions and stubbornly, foolishly resisting God and competing with Him. If you have discovered the answer through examination, if you have come to a realization and arrived at a clear awareness, then I ask you to first let go of these emotions. Do not cherish them or hold onto them, for they will destroy you, they will destroy your destination, and they will destroy the opportunity and hope you have in pursuing the truth and attaining salvation” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). This passage had a deep impact on me. In the past, I had never thought that negative emotions constituted a serious problem. Through reading God’s dissection, I realized that the essence of living in a state of negative emotion is in opposition to God and the truth. If I didn’t resolve this issue, I’d forfeit any chance of attaining salvation. I reflected back on my years living with this feeling of inferiority: As soon as I encountered a brother or sister who was more talented, and of greater caliber and working ability than me, I’d feel inferior, would descend into despondency, become resistant and unsatisfied with the reality of my situation, be unwilling to confront and acknowledge my situation and feel powerless. I didn’t bother to consider how I could learn from the strengths of others or how to partner with them to do my duty well, instead blaming God for the caliber, gifts and lack of resoluteness He gave me. I lived in a perpetual state of negativity, silently protesting against God and would sometimes not even want to do my duty. I had been bound up in a feeling of inferiority in my faith these years and would often descend into bouts of despondency and passivity. I lacked the will to pursue the truth and was satisfied to just exert some effort and passively follow along. As a result, despite the fact that I had always performed my duties while believing in God and had many opportunities to practice, my progress in life was minimal—I was just as pitiful and impoverished as ever. God’s work had almost come to a close and I had missed countless opportunities to attain the truth and my life had suffered losses. If I didn’t turn my state around, then I would ruin any chance I had of attaining salvation. So, I prayed to God, seeking to understand what corrupt dispositions lay behind my feeling of inferiority.

Later, I came across this passage of God’s words: “Instead of searching for the truth, most people have their own petty agendas. Their own interests, face, and the place or standing they hold in other people’s minds are of great importance to them. These are the only things they cherish. They cling to these things with an iron grip and regard them as their very lives. And how they are viewed or treated by God is of secondary importance; for the moment, they ignore that; for the moment, they only consider whether they are the boss of the group, whether other people look up to them, and whether their words carry weight. Their first concern is with occupying that position. When they are in a group, almost all people look for this kind of standing, these kinds of opportunities. When they’re highly talented, of course they want to be top dog; if they are of middling ability, they’ll still want to hold a higher position in the group; and if they hold a low position in the group, being of average caliber and abilities, they, too, will want others to look up to them, they won’t want others to look down on them. These people’s face and dignity are where they draw the line: They have to hold on to these things. They could have no integrity, and be possessed of neither God’s approval nor acceptance, but they absolutely cannot lose the respect, status, or esteem they have strived for among others—which is the disposition of Satan. But people have no awareness of this. It is their belief that they must cling to this scrap of face to the very end. They are not aware that only when these vain and superficial things are completely relinquished and put aside will they become a real person. If a person guards these things that should be discarded as life, their life is lost. They do not know what is at stake. And so, when they act, they always hold something back, they always try to protect their own face and status, they put these first, speaking only for their own ends, to their own spurious defense. Everything they do is for themselves. They rush to anything that shines, letting everyone know they were a part of it. It didn’t actually have anything to do with them, but they never want to be left in the background, they’re always afraid of other people looking down on them, they’re always fearful of other people saying they’re nothing, that they are incapable of anything, that they have no skills. Is this all not directed by their satanic dispositions? When you are able to let go of things like face and status, you will be much more relaxed and freer; you will have set foot on the path to being honest. But for many, this is not easy to achieve” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). Through reading God’s words, I realized that I didn’t suffer from feelings of inferiority due to my poor caliber, or because I was inarticulate and had average looks, but rather because Satan had brainwashed me with certain faulty views regarding my pursuit. I placed too much importance on reputation and status. I had been subconsciously influenced by satanic poisons like “Man struggles upward; water flows downward,” “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,” and “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies.” Nothing was more important to me than reputation, status and the respect of others; I thought that only by attaining these things would I be living a meaningful, valuable life. In my worldly career, I was always envious of colleagues that were clever and sharp, articulate, adroit at dealing with others and won the recognition and appreciation of their superiors. I, too, wanted to be appreciated by my superiors like my colleagues. But I felt inferior because I had average looks, was inarticulate and not good at making connections. When I encountered issues, I wouldn’t tell my colleagues, opting instead to lock myself in a bathroom stall and cry to myself. I worried that if anyone else knew about my problems, they would look down on me and think less of me—I really suffered greatly during that time. After putting my faith in God, I continued to live by the viewpoints of nonbelievers, thinking that in order to serve as a leader or supervisor one had to have the air of a leader, to speak with resoluteness, cut a striking figure, be capable of making arrangements and have good working ability, and that in this way, wherever they went they would be respected, could make themselves known and would be highly regarded. When I saw how the brothers and sisters I partnered with were more capable than me, spoke with conviction and had good working ability, I would just think that I was a disappointment in every aspect. Because I failed to attain the respect of others, was not highly regarded and my desire for reputation and status were not satisfied, I no longer wanted to serve as a leader and just wished to shirk away from that environment and join a different group of people. I thought that this would allow me to avoid having my weaknesses and inabilities exposed and I wouldn’t be looked down upon by my peers. Reflecting upon all this, I realized that Satan’s poisons had already taken deep root in my heart—I sought after status and the respect and admiration of others, viewing these as positive things. As soon as my personal desires were not satisfied, I no longer felt like doing my duty, became negative and antagonistic and was unable to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements. I came to the realization that I had been too deeply corrupted by Satan and my desire for reputation and status was too strong—if I continued on like that, God would become disgusted with me and eliminate me. I was no longer willing to continue down the wrong path and was ready to repent to God, do my duty practically according to God’s demands and submit to His sovereignty and arrangements.

Later on, I came across yet another passage of God’s words: “When feelings of inferiority are implanted deeply in your heart, they not only have a profound effect on you, they also dominate your views on people and things, and your comportment and actions. So, how do those who are dominated by feelings of inferiority perceive people and things? They regard other people as better than themselves, and they also view antichrists as being better than themselves. Even though antichrists have evil dispositions and are of poor humanity, they still treat them as people to emulate and role models to learn from. They even say to themselves, ‘Look, although they have a bad disposition and evil humanity, they are gifted and are more capable in work than me. They can comfortably display their abilities in front of others and speak in front of so many people without blushing or having heart palpitations. They’ve really got guts. I can’t match up to them. I’m just not brave enough.’ What brought this on? It must be said that part of the reason is that your feelings of inferiority have affected your judgment of people’s essences, as well as your perspective and standpoint when it comes to viewing other people. Is this not the case? (It is.)” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). Pondering over God’s words, I realized that feelings of inferiority can influence how we view people and things. I reflected on how when I was mired in feelings of inferiority, I only focused on people’s outwardly observable gifts, caliber and ability to speak and act with resoluteness. These traits were the standards by which I judged people’s caliber, yet I failed to place importance on discerning their humanity, essence and the paths they walked. I thought of how when I partnered with Li Xue, I only observed how she was articulate and spoke and acted resolutely, but failed to place importance on discerning her behavior. I even thought that, unlike me, she had capital, so it was normal for her to self-aggrandize. I was terribly muddled!

Later on, I began to question whether measuring people’s caliber based on their articulateness, gifts, resoluteness in speech, and working ability was the most accurate way of measuring. I then came across this passage of God’s words: “How do we measure people’s caliber? The appropriate way to do this is by looking at their attitude toward the truth and whether or not they can comprehend the truth. Some people can learn some specializations very quickly, but when they hear the truth, they become confused and they doze off. In their hearts, they become muddled, nothing they hear goes in, nor do they understand what they are hearing—that is what poor caliber is. With some people, when you tell them they are of poor caliber, they disagree. They think that being highly educated and knowledgeable means they are of good caliber. Does a good education demonstrate high caliber? It does not. How should people’s caliber be measured? It should be measured based on the degree to which they comprehend God’s words and the truth. This is the most accurate way of doing it. Some people are silver-tongued, quick-witted, and especially skilled at handling other people—but when they listen to sermons, they are never able to understand anything, and when they read God’s words, they do not comprehend them. When they talk about their experiential testimony, they always speak words and doctrines, revealing themselves to be mere amateurs, and giving others the sense that they have no spiritual understanding. These are people of poor caliber. So, are such people competent to do work for the house of God? (No.) Why? (They lack the truth principles.) Right, this is something you should understand by now” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. To Fulfill One’s Duty Well, Understanding the Truth Is Most Crucial). Through reading God’s words, I learned that one shouldn’t measure people’s caliber based upon how educated they are, what outwardly observable gifts they possess, how quick-witted they may be, or how articulate, but rather based on whether they are able to gain an accurate understanding of God’s words and able to comprehend the reality of God’s words—that is, whether they can comprehend God’s intentions through His words and come to know their corrupt disposition and essence through God’s words. I thought of how, despite the fact that Li Xue had certain gifts, was articulate and acted resolutely, she was unable to discuss her true understanding of herself or any experiential testimony of God’s words. Brothers and sisters had pointed out her self-aggrandizing behavior on multiple occasions, but despite acknowledging the issue, she never comprehended the nature and serious consequences of such behavior. While doing her duty, she constantly aggrandized herself and would even put down others while exalting herself and barely reflected on or gained knowledge of this problem even after she was dismissed. From this, I saw that Li Xue possessed certain gifts, but was not someone with good caliber. I thought of how God dissected the figure of Paul—Paul was gifted, wrote many letters, and spread the gospel to many people, but he was unable to comprehend the truth and ultimately was unable to recognize his satanic, God-resisting nature. As such, Paul could not be considered to have good caliber. Realizing all this, I felt a bit more clear. I saw that I didn’t understand the truth and always thought that being well-educated, articulate, and resolute meant having good caliber, and lacking these traits was a sign of poor caliber. As a result, I often defined myself as a person of poor caliber who was not qualified to serve as leader or worker. After reading God’s words, I realized that to measure someone’s caliber, one should mainly look to see how well that person comprehends God’s words, whether they can comprehend the truth, and whether they can do their duty according to principle. The most accurate way to view people and things is according to God’s words.

Later on, I came across another two passages of God’s words. Almighty God says: “So, how can you accurately evaluate and know yourself, and break away from the feeling of inferiority? You should take God’s words as the basis for gaining knowledge of yourself, learning what your humanity, caliber, and talent are like, and what strengths you have. For example, suppose that you used to like singing and did it well, but some people kept criticizing you and belittling you, saying that you were tone-deaf and that your singing was out of tune, so now you feel that you cannot sing well and no longer dare to do it in front of others. Because those worldly folks, those muddleheaded people and mediocre people, made inaccurate evaluations and judgments about you, the rights that your humanity deserves were curtailed, and your talent was stifled. As a result, you do not dare to even sing a song, and you are only brave enough to let go and sing out loud when no one is around or you are just by yourself. Because you ordinarily feel so horribly repressed, when you are not alone you dare not sing a song; you dare to sing only when you are alone, enjoying the time when you can sing out loud and clear, and what a wonderful, liberating time that is! Is that not so? Because of the harm that people have done to you, you do not know or cannot see clearly what it is that you can actually do, what you are good at, and what you are not good at. In this kind of situation, you must make a correct evaluation and take the correct measure of yourself according to God’s words. You should establish what you have learned and where your strengths lie, and go out and do whatever it is that you can do; as for those things which you cannot do, your shortcomings and deficiencies, you should reflect on and know them, and you should also accurately evaluate and know what your caliber is like, and whether it is good or bad. If you cannot understand or gain clear knowledge of your own problems, then ask the people around you with understanding to make an appraisal of you. Regardless of whether what they say is accurate, it will at least give you something to reference and consider and will enable you to have a basic judgment or characterization of yourself. You can then solve the essential problem of negative emotions like inferiority, and gradually emerge from them. Such feelings of inferiority are easy to resolve if one can discern them, awaken to them, and seek the truth” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). “What God wants to see is not that you give up your pursuit of the truth, nor does He want to see the attitude of someone who writes themselves off as a lost cause. He wants to see that once you comprehend all these true facts, you can go and pursue the truth in a more steadfast, bold and assured manner, recognizing clearly that God is a righteous God. When you come to the end of the road, as long as you have reached the standard God has set for you, and you are on the road to salvation, God will not give up on you” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Resolving One’s Notions Can One Embark on the Right Track of Belief in God (2)). In God’s words I found a path to resolve my feelings of inferiority. I had to view things according to God’s words, gain an accurate understanding of my strengths and weaknesses, do my best at what I was capable of doing, and handle correctly and seek the truth to resolve that which I did not grasp or failed to accomplish. I thought back to when I first started serving as a leader and supervisor: At first, I was able to do some actual work through diligent cooperation, but later I was dismissed because I was negative, slacked off and got poor results in my duty due to living by my corrupt disposition. My poor caliber was certainly not the only reason I was dismissed. In fact, my brothers and sisters all said that I had average caliber, not poor caliber. If I worked diligently when partnered with other brothers and sisters, I was still able to get some work done. After realizing all this, I gained a proper attitude toward myself—I didn’t have the best caliber, and I couldn’t quite grasp the principles with regard to certain issues, but I could always seek help from my brothers and sisters to make up for my deficiencies and work hard to improve my caliber. In this way, I would be able to make some progress. Having made these realizations, I found a path of practice and felt much more at ease. I was no longer willing to be fettered by feelings of inferiority and was ready to do my duty well and focus on practicing the truth to satisfy God.

On one occasion later on, I attended a small group gathering with a sister named Xiaoye who served as textual work supervisor. Xiaoye was able to communicate God’s intentions through her fellowship on His words and integrate lessons from her own experience into her fellowship, all of which was quite instructive for those in attendance. The brothers and sisters all nodded and took notes throughout her fellowship. Seeing this, I once again began to get that creeping sense of inferiority, feeling that Xiaoye was more capable than me and more qualified to serve as a leader. However, as these feelings of inferiority arose, I recalled a passage of God’s words: “You should establish what you have learned and where your strengths lie, and go out and do whatever it is that you can do; as for those things which you cannot do, your shortcomings and deficiencies, you should reflect on and know them, and you should also accurately evaluate and know what your caliber is like, and whether it is good or bad” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). Indeed, everyone has different caliber and different strengths—this is the result of God’s sovereignty and arrangements. No matter what kind of caliber I had, I should always fulfill my responsibilities and duties. I didn’t have the best caliber and was not quite as articulate as others, but as long as I had some understanding and experience of God’s words, I should set the right intentions and fellowship on my understanding to fulfill my responsibility. That is just what I ought to do. After realizing this, I felt a lot better, was no longer influenced by feelings of inferiority, was ready to practice according to God’s words, fellowship on everything I had an understanding of and fulfill my responsibility. After that, I then fellowshipped on my understanding and knowledge of God’s words. When I saw how my fellowship was beneficial and helpful to the brothers and sisters, I gave thanks to God! It has all been through the enlightenment and guidance of God’s word that I have made progress and gained what I have.