By Lilieth, Honduras

In October of 2018, I accepted the work of Almighty God in the last days. Six months later, I was elected as a watering deacon in my church. I had many difficulties when I first took on this duty, but after prayer and fellowship with my brothers and sisters, I gradually mastered some principles and achieved some results in my duty. In my spare time, I also practiced writing experiential testimony articles, I often reflected on myself, and I felt very fulfilled every day.

One day in January 2022, my leader told me, “You’ve made some progress in life entry, so we’d like to choose you to be a preacher. Would you be willing to do it?” I was a little nervous, and said, “I’ll do my best.” The leader then said, “The experiential testimony articles you wrote are very good. Only brothers and sisters who pay attention to their life entry can serve as preachers, because they can truly resolve their brothers’ and sisters’ problems and difficulties.” Hearing this from the leader made me happy. I felt like he really valued and appreciated me, so I couldn’t let everyone down, and I wanted to show them I could do this job well. After that, the leader made me responsible for the work of several churches and taught me many principles. The scope of work was larger, and there were also many tasks I was responsible for, so I was stressed and a little worried I wouldn’t be able to do it. I saw that some brothers and sisters who did the same duty as me were familiar with the work, but I was new to this duty and didn’t know how to do it. I wanted to express my difficulties, but then I thought of the compliments from my leader. I became worried and thought, “If he knew I don’t understand how to do this work, what would he think of me? Would he think I can’t do it, and that choosing me was a mistake? Besides, now, I am a preacher. If I am not even familiar with the work, how could I help and support the church leaders?” Thinking of this was really stressful for me, but I was too embarrassed to share my struggle with the leader.

Once when our superior leader was discussing our work with us, I saw that Sister Silvia and Brother Ricardo were very active in answering questions from the leader, and also knew how to do each aspect of the work. When the leader asked me, “Are you having any difficulties?” I thought, “We all do the same duty. If I say yes, what will the leader think of me? Will he think I am incompetent?” So, I lied and said I wasn’t having any problems. Later, each time the leader met with us, I rarely spoke. Even when I did speak, I always first thought of how to answer to stop others from seeing there were many things I didn’t understand and looking down on me. In this way, I kept concealing and disguising myself, I felt very restrained, and I became more and more passive in my duty. I even wanted to stop attending gatherings. But even so, I didn’t want to open up about my state to the brothers and sisters. I only wanted to show my good side to others. One day, I made an appointment with two church leaders to learn about the state of work at the church. When I met them, one of them said enthusiastically, “It’s great to have you in charge of our work! I enjoy having gatherings with you, and I admire you every time I hear your fellowship. I hope I can be like you in the future.” The other leader said, “We feel good doing our duty with you. Your fellowship always brings us light.” At the time, I wanted to tell them not to think so highly of me, that I also had difficulties in my duty, and that I got negative under pressure. But then I thought, “If I tell them the truth, will they still think so highly of me in the future? Will they still ask me if they have questions?” I struggled inside, and in the end, I didn’t tell the truth. Another time, I had a meeting with several church leaders and deacons. They said they couldn’t do some jobs and were having difficulties. I comforted them, “Don’t worry, we’ve all just started our duties. Slowly we’ll pick these things up and be able to understand.” On the surface, there was nothing wrong with what I said. But actually, I couldn’t do the work either. I was worried they would see my real stature, so I didn’t dare to speak honestly, and I just gave them a little encouragement that didn’t solve their problems at all. Because I continued to conceal and disguise myself, my state was really bad, I couldn’t feel the guidance of the Holy Spirit and I felt emotionally exhausted. I often thought, “Why can’t I do church work like everyone else?” I knew that I should seek out my leader to resolve my difficulties, but I worried that he would think I wasn’t a good fit if I talked about them. I thought back to the start, I was chosen for this duty because everyone said I paid quite a lot of attention to life entry. They must think I was someone with good caliber who pursued the truth. If they knew there were so many things I didn’t understand and couldn’t do church work, they would certainly think it was a mistake to choose me as a preacher. Thinking of this, I was even more afraid to speak. My state grew worse and worse, and I lived in darkness and suffering. I prayed to God, “Almighty God, I don’t know how to experience this environment. I ask You to lead and guide me.”

Once at a gathering, our superior leader asked us about our experience during this period. The others opened up about their corruption and shortcomings in their duties, and I found the courage to talk about my own state. The leader used his experience to help me, and said, “As leaders and workers, you don’t need to understand everything to do your duty well. This idea is wrong. We are just ordinary people, so it’s normal that we don’t understand and can’t see through some things. But if we want to be a know-it-all and can’t deal with our own deficiencies correctly, and if, to maintain our status and image, we wear masks to disguise ourselves, deceive others and never let others see our true stature, then life will be painful.” Then, the leader sent me some of God’s words: “How can you be people who are ordinary and normal? How can you, as God says, assume the proper place of a created being—how can you not try to be a superman, or some great figure? … Firstly, don’t give yourself a title and become bound by it, saying, ‘I am the leader, I am the head of the team, I am the supervisor, no one knows this business better than me, no one understands the skills more than me.’ Don’t get caught up in your self-appointed title. As soon as you do, it will bind your hands and feet, and what you say and do will be affected. Your normal thinking and judgment will also be affected. You must free yourself from the constraints of this status. First, lower yourself from this official title and position and stand in the place of an ordinary person. If you do, your mentality will become somewhat normal. You must also admit and say, ‘I don’t know how to do this, and I don’t understand that, either—I’m going to have to do some research and studying,’ or ‘I’ve never experienced this, so I don’t know what to do.’ When you are capable of saying what you’re really thinking and speaking honestly, you will be possessed of normal reason. Others will know the real you, and will thus have a normal view of you, and you will not have to put on an act, nor will there be any great pressure on you, and so you will be able to communicate with people normally. Living like this is free and easy; anyone who finds living exhausting has caused this themselves. Don’t pretend or put up a front. First, open up about what you’re thinking in your heart, about your true thoughts, so that everyone is aware of them and understands them. As a result, your concerns and the barriers and suspicions between you and others will all be eliminated. You’re also hobbled by something else. You always consider yourself the head of the team, a leader, a worker, or someone with a title, status, and standing: If you say you don’t understand something, or can’t do something, are you not denigrating yourself? When you put aside these fetters in your heart, when you stop thinking of yourself as a leader or a worker, and when you stop thinking that you’re better than other people and feel that you are an ordinary person, the same as everyone else, and that there are some areas in which you are inferior to others—when you fellowship the truth and work-related matters with this attitude, the effect is different, as is the atmosphere. If, in your heart, you always have misgivings, if you always feel stressed and hobbled, and if you want to rid yourself of these things but can’t, then you should pray seriously to God, reflect on yourself, see your shortcomings, and strive toward the truth. If you can put the truth into practice, you will get results. Whatever you do, don’t speak and act from a certain position or using a certain title. First, put all this to one side, and put yourself in the place of an ordinary person” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Treasuring God’s Words Is the Foundation of Belief in God). “If, in your heart, you are clear about what kind of person you are, what your essence is, what your failings are, and what corruption you reveal, you should openly fellowship this with other people, so that they can see what your true state is, what your thoughts and opinions are, so that they know what knowledge you have of such things. Whatever you do, don’t pretend or put up a front, don’t hide your own corruption and failings from others, so that no one knows about them. This kind of false behavior is an obstacle in your heart, and it is also a corrupt disposition and can stop people from repenting and changing. You must pray to God, and hold up for reflection and dissection the false things, like the praise others give to you, the glory they shower you with, and the crowns they bestow on you. You must see the harm these things do to you. In so doing, you will know your own measure, you will attain self-knowledge, and will no longer see yourself as a superman, or some great figure. Once you have such self-awareness, it becomes easy for you to accept the truth, to accept God’s words and what God asks of man into your heart, to accept the Creator’s salvation of you, to steadfastly be an ordinary person, someone who is honest and reliable, and to establish a normal relationship between yourself—a created being, and God—the Creator. This is precisely what God asks of people, and it is something that is wholly attainable to them” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Treasuring God’s Words Is the Foundation of Belief in God). After reading God’s word, I began to reflect on my state during this time. When I heard the leader say I was chosen to be a preacher because I paid attention to life entry, I became proud and complacent. I felt it was because I pursued the truth and was capable of work that I was selected for such an important job. But when I actually started doing this duty, I saw that I didn’t understand a lot of the work. I had no grasp of some of the principles and I felt a lot of pressure, so I often felt negative. But I didn’t open up about my real state, and I deceived my leader, saying I had no problems, because I feared he would think I wasn’t qualified. When I heard the church leaders praise me, and even think of me as a role model, although I knew I should open up about my corruption and shortcomings and let them know my true stature, I worried that they wouldn’t think highly of me after learning the facts. Because of this I stayed silent. Even when the leaders and deacons asked me some questions that I obviously didn’t know how to solve, I didn’t open up and discuss things with them. I pretended to understand when I didn’t and answered with perfunctory words. Time and again, I disguised myself and gave false impressions, all because I was stuck on the title of “preacher.” I thought as a preacher, my understanding and knowledge should be greater than others, I shouldn’t have shortcomings, and I shouldn’t be negative or weak. I thought this was the only way others would look up to and approve of me. To maintain my status and image, I put on a mask to cover myself up, and I disguised myself as an uncorrupted person. Even when I felt tormented, negative, and weak, to maintain the title of “preacher” I would rather cry in secret and alone than open my heart and ask for help. This title was too difficult and tiring for me to bear. When the church selected me as a preacher, it was giving me a chance to practice and allowing me to seek and understand more truth in my duty. But I didn’t follow the right path. I used this chance to pursue fame and status. Wasn’t this going against God’s intention? God doesn’t want us to seek to be supermen or great people. God wants us to stand in the place of created beings and be common, ordinary people, pursue the truth in a down-to-earth manner, honestly face our own shortcomings, and for problems we don’t understand, open up to our brothers and sisters and seek help. This is the sense we should possess. I felt a greater sense of freedom after understanding God’s intention.

Later, I read some experience testimonials written by some brothers and sisters that referenced God’s words that were specific to my state. Almighty God says: “Regardless of the context, no matter what duty they do, an antichrist will try and give the impression that they aren’t weak, that they are always strong, full of faith, and never negative, so that people never see their real stature or real attitude toward God. In fact, in the depths of their heart, do they really believe there is nothing they cannot do? Do they genuinely believe that they are without weakness, negativity, or revelations of corruption? Absolutely not. They are good at putting on an act, adept at hiding things. They like showing people their strong and splendid side; they don’t want them to see the side of them that is weak and true. Their purpose is obvious: It is, quite simply, to keep face, to protect the place they have in people’s hearts. They think that if they open up before others about their own negativity and weakness, if they reveal the side of them that is rebellious and corrupt, this will be grievous damage to their status and reputation—more trouble than it’s worth. So they would rather die than admit to having times when they are weak, rebellious, and negative. And if a day does come when everyone sees the side of them that is weak and rebellious, when they see that they are corrupt, and have not changed at all, they will still keep putting on an act. They think that if they admit to having a corrupt disposition, to being an ordinary person, someone who is insignificant, then they will lose their place in people’s hearts, will lose everyone’s worship and adoration, and thus will have utterly failed. And so, whatever happens, they will not open up to people; whatever happens, they will not give their power and status to anyone else; instead, they try as hard as they can to compete, and will never give up” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Ten)). In another passage, God revealed the nature and consequences of people’s pursuit of status. God’s words say: “You always seek greatness, nobility, and status; you always seek exaltation. How does God feel when He sees this? He loathes it, and He will distance Himself from you. The more you pursue things like greatness, nobility, and being superior to others, distinguished, outstanding, and noteworthy, the more disgusting God finds you. If you do not reflect upon yourself and repent, then God will loathe you and forsake you. Avoid becoming someone whom God finds disgusting; be a person that God loves. So, how can one attain God’s love? By accepting the truth obediently, standing in the position of a created being, acting by God’s words with one’s feet on the ground, properly performing one’s duties, being an honest person, and living out a human likeness. This is enough, God will be satisfied. People must be sure not to hold ambition or entertain idle dreams, not to seek fame, gain, and status or to stand out from the crowd. Even more, they must not try to be a person of greatness or superhuman, superior among men and making others worship them. That is the desire of corrupt humanity, and it is the path of Satan; God does not save such people. If people incessantly pursue fame, gain, and status without repenting, then there is no cure for them, and only one outcome: to be eliminated” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Proper Fulfillment of Duty Requires Harmonious Cooperation). I contemplated God’s word and saw that antichrists are hypocrites, who always conceal and whitewash themselves. They don’t tell the truth or let others see their weak side, and they disguise themselves as people who understand the truth and have no flaws. This is to gain the praise and admiration of others so that everyone follows and worships them. Their nature is especially arrogant and deceitful. I reflected on my behavior and saw I was the same as an antichrist. I always pretended to be a know-it-all. I wanted others to look up to me, think I had good caliber, and could solve any problem, so that they’d have a place for me in their hearts, surround me, and worship me. I was so arrogant and unreasonable! Everything I thought and did was entirely against God. Especially when I saw these words from God, “If people incessantly pursue fame, gain, and status without repenting, then there is no cure for them, and only one outcome: to be eliminated,” I knew this was God’s warning to me. If I continued down the path of seeking fame and status, I would surely be spurned by God, and I would ultimately be eliminated. I prayed to God to say I wished to repent, didn’t want to lose my chance to be saved, and was willing to pursue being a pure and honest person.

The next day, the leader told me the content to fellowship on at the next gathering, and requested that I prepare to host it. Then he asked me if I understood. As a matter of fact, I didn’t really understand at the time, but I feared he would feel I had poor caliber, so I lied and said I understood. But when I actually started to do it, I didn’t know which words of God I should search for. I was extremely nervous, my hands were sweating, I didn’t know what to do, so I prayed to God, “Almighty God, I have been corrupted too deeply by Satan. I am still constrained by reputation and status. I can’t rebel against my flesh and be honest. Please lead me in finding a way to practice.” In God’s word, I read: “Some people are promoted and cultivated by the church, receiving a good chance to be trained. This is something good. It can be said they have been elevated and graced by God. So how, then, should they do their duty? The first principle they should abide by is to understand the truth—when they do not understand the truth, they must seek the truth, and if they still don’t understand after seeking on their own, they can find someone who does understand the truth to fellowship and seek with, which will make solving the problem faster and more timely. If you focus only on spending more time reading God’s words by yourself, and on spending more time pondering these words, in order to achieve understanding of the truth and solve the problem, this is too slow; as the saying goes, ‘Distant water won’t slake an urgent thirst.’ If, when it comes to the truth, you wish to make quick progress, then you must learn how to work in harmony with others, and to ask more questions and seek more. Only then will your life grow quickly, and will you be able to solve problems promptly, without any delay in either. Because you have only just been promoted and are still on probation, and do not truly understand the truth or possess the truth reality—because you still lack this stature—do not think that your promotion means you possess the truth reality; this is not the case. It is merely because you have a sense of burden toward the work and possess the caliber of a leader that you are selected for promotion and cultivation. You should have this reason. If, after being promoted and becoming a leader or worker, you start to assert your status, and believe that you are someone who pursues the truth and that you possess the truth reality—and if, regardless of what problems the brothers and sisters have, you pretend that you understand, and that you are spiritual—then this is a foolish way to be, and it is the same way as the hypocritical Pharisees. You must speak and act truthfully. When you don’t understand, you can ask others or seek fellowship from the Above—there is nothing shameful about any of this. Even if you don’t ask, the Above will still know your true stature, and will know that the truth reality is absent in you. Seeking and fellowshipping are what you ought to be doing; this is the reason that should be found in normal humanity, and the principle that should be adhered to by leaders and workers. It is not something to be embarrassed about” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (5)). After reading God’s words, I understood that the church selected me as a preacher to give me a chance to practice, and so that I could learn how to do the work in my duty. This did not mean I was better than others or that I knew everything. I had just started this duty, so it was entirely normal that there was a lot of work I couldn’t do and I didn’t grasp the principles of. Also, that I could write experience testimonials only meant I had some superficial experience and understanding of God’s word, not that I understood the truth and possessed its realities. I should treat my own shortcomings and deficiencies correctly, and when I didn’t understand things, I needed to open up and fellowship with the brothers and sisters. There was nothing shameful about this. It was shameful that I pretended to understand when I didn’t, and this led to many problems not being resolved in time, which delayed the work of the church. I also repeatedly lost the chance to seek the truth and lived in negativity. I was so foolish! I couldn’t go on like this. I had to set my intentions right, open up, seek and fellowship with my brothers and sisters, and perform my duty well. Afterward, I consulted the leader on the things I didn’t understand, or which weren’t clear to me and he patiently fellowshiped with me. I was thinking much clearer. The gathering ended up being very effective, and I felt relaxed and at ease.

Now, in doing my duty, I still encounter many problems and difficulties, but I can pray and rely on God, and I often seek the help of my brothers and sisters. During meetings, I also open up about myself to my brothers and sisters and let them see my corruption and shortcomings. By doing this, I feel very at ease and secure. Thanks be to God!