By Kristina, USA

Saturday, December 3, 2022, Light Rain

Today, while organizing the worksheet, I accidentally found a video that had been improperly assigned, with the production task repeated. I was very surprised. After careful inspection, I realized it was because I forgot to check the records before production. I remembered that I had made this mistake twice before because I didn’t check the records. At that time, the leader criticized me for not being diligent and summarized the causes of the mistakes, telling me to avoid making the same mistake in the future. I didn’t expect to make the same mistake again this time. I felt utterly weak. “I’ve only been a supervisor for a few days, and I’ve made such a low-level mistake again. If the leader finds out, how disappointed she would be in me! If she prunes and criticizes me again, how can I hold my head up?” I also remembered that a few days ago, Sister Xin Jing in our group was dismissed because she was always perfunctory in her duties. At that time, I even fellowshipped on and exposed the nature and consequences of being perfunctory in her duty. But now I’ve also made such a low-level mistake because of my perfunctoriness. If the brothers and sisters knew, they would definitely say that I preach the words and doctrines well but do my duties perfunctorily and have no truth reality, making me unfit to be a supervisor. The more I thought about it, the more uncomfortable I felt, and I regretted not checking carefully at the time. I was too embarrassed to admit my mistake to everyone, so I deleted the previous production record. At that moment, a phrase from God’s words flashed through my mind: “Man’s words and deeds in secret remain always before My judgment seat” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Work of Spreading the Gospel Is Also the Work of Saving Man). I felt a sense of fear and trembling in my heart: God scrutinizes man’s innermost being. Although I can hide this from people, I cannot deceive God. If I resort to deceit, God sees it clearly and He will condemn me. I was very scared and quickly restored the deleted record. Looking at this record was like seeing a stain that could not be erased. But I really didn’t have the courage to admit my mistake to the leader. I thought that if I didn’t say anything, no one would find out, so I quickly closed the worksheet.

At night, I tossed and turned in bed, unable to sleep, feeling uneasy. I clearly made a mistake that caused a loss to the work, yet I pretended to not know about it and did not plan to tell the leader about this issue. I was being brazenly deceptive! Later, I read this in God’s words: “God does not perfect those who are deceitful. If your heart is not honest—if you are not an honest person—then you will not be gained by God. Likewise, you will not gain the truth, and will also be incapable of gaining God. What does it mean if you do not gain God? If you do not gain God and you have not understood the truth, then you will not know God, and so there will be no way you can be compatible with God, in which case you are the enemy of God. If you are incompatible with God, God is not your God; and if God is not your God, you cannot be saved. If you do not seek to attain salvation, why do you believe in God? If you cannot attain salvation, you will forever be a bitter enemy of God, and your outcome will be set. Thus, if people wish to be saved, then they must start by being honest. In the end, those who are gained by God are marked with a sign. Do you know what it is? It is written in Revelation, in the Bible: ‘And in their mouth was found no lie; they are without blemish’ (Revelation 14:5). Who are ‘they’? They are those who are saved, perfected and gained by God. How does God describe these people? What are the characteristics and expressions of their conduct? They are without blemish. They speak no lies. You can probably all understand and grasp what speaking no lies means: It means being honest” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Six Indicators of Life Growth). “Everyone has a deceitful disposition; the only difference is in how severe it is. Though you may open your heart and fellowship your problems in gatherings, does that mean that you do not have a deceitful disposition? It does not, you have one as well. Why do I say this? Here is an example: You may be able to open yourself up in fellowship about things that do not touch on your pride or vanity, things that are not shameful, and things that you will not be pruned for—but if you had done something that violates the truth principles, something that everyone would loathe and be revolted by, would you be able to fellowship openly about it in gatherings? And if you had done something unspeakable, it would be even harder for you to open up and reveal the truth about it. Were someone to look into it or try to assign blame for it, you would use all means at your disposal to hide it, and you would be terrified that this matter might be exposed. You would always be trying to cover it up and get away with it. Is this not a deceitful disposition? You may believe that if you do not say it out loud, no one will know of it, and that even God will have no way to know of it. That is mistaken! God scrutinizes people’s innermost hearts. If you cannot perceive this, you do not know God at all. Deceitful people do not merely trick others—they even dare to try to trick God and use deceitful means to resist Him. Can such people attain God’s salvation? God’s disposition is righteous and holy, and deceitful people are what He loathes most. So, deceitful people are those for whom it is hardest to attain salvation. People with a deceitful nature are those who lie the most. They will even lie to God and try to trick Him, and they are obstinately unrepentant. This means that they cannot attain God’s salvation” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only Knowledge of the Six Kinds of Corrupt Dispositions Is True Self-Knowledge). Comparing God’s words to my thoughts and actions after making the mistake, I realized I was revealing a deceitful disposition. It was a fact that I did my duties perfunctorily, resulting in repeated work and wasting human and material resources. I should be an honest person and truthfully admit my mistake to the leader and take responsibility. But I feared the leader and the brothers and sisters would look down on me, so I resorted to covering up my mistake by deleting the previous production record, thinking this would prevent anyone from discovering the problem. Although I restored the record later, I still didn’t want to admit my mistake, hoping to let it pass unnoticed; as long as no one discovered it later, the matter could just be left unsettled. If someone did find out about it later, I could say I noticed it at the time but forgot to mention it, not that I was intentionally hiding it. This way, I could cover up my mistake without appearing deceptive. I was so deceitful! God’s essence is holy, and He likes honest people and loathes deceitful people. Despite knowing that God scrutinizes everything, I still engaged in deceit and trickery. My actions disgusted God. If I didn’t repent and become an honest person, no matter how much I outwardly sacrificed, I wouldn’t be saved in the end. However, admitting my mistake to the leader was so humiliating. I was afraid the leader would be disappointed in me and prune me, and I lacked the courage to speak up. I felt conflicted and painful in my heart.

Monday, December 5, 2022, Overcast

Two days have passed, and I still don’t have the courage to tell the leader. Over these past two days, I have desperately wanted to erase this incident from my memory; then I wouldn’t have to admit my mistake and face embarrassment. I have thrown myself entirely into my work, which temporarily helps me forget about this incident. However, when I have a moment of downtime, I can’t help but think about it again. This mistake clings to me like a nightmare. No matter whether I’m eating, cleaning, or walking, thinking about it makes my heart ache as if it’s being twisted. It’s like there’s a voice in my head constantly accusing me: “You are not an honest person; you cannot be saved.” At night, I cannot sleep soundly either, and my heart is in torment. I think of God’s words: “In short, to be honest is to be pure in your actions and words, and to deceive neither God nor man. What I say is very simple, but to you it is doubly arduous. Many people would rather be condemned to hell than speak and act honestly. Little wonder that I have other treatment in store for those who are dishonest” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Three Admonitions). When I read these words of God before, I didn’t quite understand. I thought, “Is it really that hard to be an honest person? God clearly says that if we don’t become honest people, we can’t be saved. Since I know the consequences, to be saved and enter the kingdom of heaven, I should speak and act honestly according to God’s words, no matter what suffering I endure. This shouldn’t be difficult! Besides, I have a straightforward personality by nature; I’m quick to speak my mind, so being honest and telling the truth shouldn’t be hard for me.” But in the revelation of facts, I realized that being an honest person isn’t as simple as I thought. I don’t even have the courage to admit my own mistake. To save my pride and status, I even resorted to tricks to cover up the fact. Despite knowing clearly that I can’t be saved without being honest, I still don’t want to admit my mistake. Aren’t I the kind of person God describes as one who would rather be condemned to hell than speak honestly? I think about how I’ve believed in God for over ten years but still can’t even be an honest person in this small matter, nor can I truthfully admit my mistake. I don’t possess the slightest truth reality! I feel very discouraged and disappointed in myself. I always proclaim that I want to practice the truth, but when faced with something that concerns my pride and status, I knowingly fail to practice it. I’m in a low mood and don’t want to talk to the brothers and sisters; I always feel that I don’t practice the truth and am not an honest person, so I have no face to see them. At night, before sleeping, with tears in my eyes, I pray to God, pouring out the pain from my heart: “God, I see how pitiful I am. I can’t even practice the truth in such a small matter; I can’t even speak one truthful statement or admit to a mistake. I have been deeply corrupted by Satan! God, I am very discouraged. I don’t want to live like this; please save me.”

Monday, December 12, 2022, Cloudy, Turning Clear

I originally wanted to admit my mistake to the leader, but when it came time to speak, I still felt quite apprehensive. I couldn’t help but wonder: Why is it so hard for me to admit my mistake and tell the truth? What is really preventing me from being honest? I shared my state with Sister Li Tong, and she sent me a passage of God’s words, which finally gave me some understanding about the matter. Almighty God says: “If you have the will when doing something, you can do it well in a single push; but a single instance of telling the truth without a lie does not make you an honest person once and for all. Being an honest person involves changing your disposition, and this requires ten or twenty years of experience. You must cast off your deceitful disposition of lies and duplicity before you can meet the basic standard of being an honest person. Is this not difficult for everyone? It is an enormous challenge. God now wants to perfect and gain a group of people, and all who pursue the truth must accept judgment and chastisement, trials and refinement, the purpose of which is to resolve their deceitful dispositions and make them into honest people, people who submit to God. This is not something that can be achieved in a single push; it calls for true faith, and one must suffer many trials and much refinement before they can achieve it. If God asked you now to be an honest person and speak the truth, something that involves the facts, and your future and your fate, the consequences of which might not be to your advantage, with others no longer thinking highly of you, and feeling yourself that your reputation was destroyed—in such circumstances, could you be frank, and speak the truth? Could you still be honest? This is the hardest thing to do, much harder than giving up your life. You might say, ‘Having me tell the truth won’t do. I’d rather die for God than tell the truth. I don’t want to be an honest person at all. I’d rather die than have everyone look down on me and think I am an ordinary person.’ What does this show people cherish most? What people cherish most is their status and reputation—things that are controlled by their satanic dispositions. Life is secondary. If the situation forced them to, they would summon the strength to give their life, but status and reputation are not easy to give up. For people who believe in God, giving their life is not of the utmost importance; God requires people to accept the truth, and truly be honest people who say whatever is in their hearts, opening up and laying themselves bare to everyone. Is this easy to do? (No, it isn’t.) God does not, in fact, ask you to give up your life. Was your life not given to you by God? What use would your life be to God? God does not want it. He wants you to speak honestly, to say who you are and what you think in your heart. Can you say these things? Here, the task becomes difficult, and you may say, ‘Have me work hard, and I’d have the strength to do it. Have me sacrifice all of my property, and I could do it. I could easily abandon my parents and children, my marriage and career. But saying what is in my heart, speaking honestly—that’s the one thing I cannot do.’ What is the reason you cannot do it? It is that once you do, anyone who knows you or is familiar with you will see you differently. They will no longer look up to you. You will have lost face and been utterly humiliated, and your integrity and dignity will be no more. Your lofty status and prestige in the hearts of others will be no more. This is why in such circumstances, no matter what, you will not speak the truth. When people encounter this, there is a battle in their hearts, and when that battle is over, some ultimately break through their difficulties while others do not, and remain controlled by their corrupt satanic dispositions and their own status, reputation, and so-called dignity. This is a difficulty, is it not? Merely speaking honestly and telling the truth is not some great feat, yet so many brave heroes, so many people who have sworn to dedicate themselves, expend themselves, and spend their lives for God, and so many who have said grandiose things to God find it impossible to do” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Proper Fulfillment of Duty Requires Harmonious Cooperation). After reading God’s words, I realized that I dare not admit my mistake to the leader because I value my pride and status too much, and I am overly concerned with my image in the eyes of others. Thinking back, ever since I was little I have regarded Satan’s poisons such as “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark” and “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies” as wise sayings. I have always placed great importance on my pride and status. Whatever I do, I want to leave a good impression on others and receive their praise. When I do poorly and lose face, I feel very distressed. I remember when I was in school, the teacher would ask students who made mistakes to raise their hands. When I made mistakes frequently, I felt that the teacher and my classmates would think I was stupid and laugh at me, so I didn’t dare to raise my hand. When the teacher passed by me, I would cover my mistakes to prevent the teacher from seeing them. To preserve my pride, I learned to resort to tricks and be deceptive at a young age. After believing in God, I worked on video production in the church. I knew that this job required great attention to details, as any small mistake could lead to great losses. Therefore, I tried to be as meticulous as possible, wanting the brothers and sisters to think that I was diligent and responsible, and to have a good impression on me. I also hoped the leader would value me. Especially having just recently become in charge of video work, I thought it must be because everyone approves of me, and sees me as a serious, responsible, and trustworthy person. So when I made mistakes, my first concern was my pride and status. I worried that if the leader knew I made such a basic mistake, she would definitely no longer trust or value me, and the brothers and sisters would look down on me, thinking I was irresponsible and scummy, which would destroy the good image I had sculpted over the years. To protect my pride and maintain my good image in everyone’s eyes, I engaged in deceit and fraudulence, and tried to cover up my mistake. I even thought about brushing the issue aside, not mentioning it to anyone, hoping to downplay it and get away with it. I was so deceitful! I knew very well that God scrutinizes everything, yet I still tried to cover up my mistake, showing that I am not only deceitful but also very intransigent. I realized that my pride and status are the biggest obstacles to being an honest person. If I can’t break free from the bondage and constraint of my pride and status, I will not be able to practice the truth, and in the end, I will be eliminated.

I also read God’s words saying: “Many practical problems arise as people experience being honest. Sometimes they speak without thinking, they slip up momentarily and tell a lie because they are governed by a wrong motive or aim, or vanity and pride, and as a result, they have to keep telling more and more lies to cover it up. In the end, they do not feel at ease in their hearts, but they can’t take those lies back, they lack the courage to correct their mistakes, to admit that they told lies, and in this way, their mistakes go on and on. After this, it is always like there is a rock pressing on their hearts; they always want to find an opportunity to come clean, to admit their mistake and repent, but they never put this into practice. Ultimately, they think it over and say to themselves, ‘I’ll make up for it when I perform my duty in the future.’ They always say they’ll make up for it, but they never do. It is not as simple as just apologizing after telling a lie—can you make up for the harm and consequences of telling lies and engaging in deception? If, amidst great self-hatred, you are able to practice repentance, and never do that kind of thing again, then you might receive God’s tolerance and mercy. If you speak honeyed words and say that you’ll make up for your lies in the future, but do not truly repent, and later continue to lie and deceive, then you are extremely stubborn in your refusal to repent, and you are sure to be eliminated. … That deceiving people is a revelation of a corrupt disposition, it is to rebel against and resist God, and so it will bring you pain. When you lie and deceive, you may feel that you have spoken very cleverly and tactfully, and that you haven’t given any small clues of your deception away—but later, you will feel a sense of reproach and accusation, which may follow you around your whole life. If you intentionally and deliberately lie and deceive, and a day comes when you realize the gravity of this, it will pierce you through your heart like a knife, and you will always be looking for a chance to make amends. And that is what you ought to do, unless you have no conscience, and have never lived by your conscience, and have no humanity, and no character or dignity. If you have a little character and dignity, and some awareness of conscience, when you realize that you are lying and engaging in deception, you will feel this behavior of yours to be shameful, to be disgraceful and low; you will despise and detest yourself, and you will abandon the path of lies and deception” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only an Honest Person Can Live Out True Human Likeness). After reading God’s words, I was deeply moved. In the past few days, I haven’t told anyone about my mistake in doing my duties. While my pride hasn’t suffered any damage, I feel a constant prick in my heart whenever I am idle. This makes me restless and uneasy each day; I can’t sleep well at night, and my heart suffers from guilt. I deeply feel that without being an honest person, there is no peace or joy. By relying on deception and pretense, I temporarily saved my pride, but I lost my dignity and integrity, and the pain from the guilt is overwhelming. Looking back, I realize that I made the same mistakes several times because I didn’t check previous records before making videos. If I had followed the work procedures and checked everything properly, these mistakes could have been entirely avoided. Although the leader emphasized the importance of filling out and checking forms after my first two mistakes, I found the process too troublesome and decided to roll the dice, thinking that not checking probably wouldn’t cause any problems. Sometimes, when I was busy, I skipped this step. I see that in doing my duties, I was not only perfunctory but also arrogant and self-righteous, and far too scummy. When mistakes occurred, I even tried to cover them up; I disguised and packaged myself and deceived others with a false image. This is truly despicable and shameless! Realizing the severity of this issue, I prayed to God and repented.

I also read another passage of God’s words and found the path to practice. Almighty God says: “Only honest people can have a share in the kingdom of heaven. If you do not try to be an honest person, and if you don’t experience and practice in the direction of pursuing the truth, if you don’t expose your own ugliness, and if you don’t lay yourself bare, then you will never be able to receive the Holy Spirit’s work and gain God’s approval. No matter what you do or what duty you perform, you must have an honest attitude. Without an honest attitude, you cannot perform your duty well. If you always perform your duty in a perfunctory way, and you fail to do something well, then you should reflect on yourself, know yourself, and open up to dissect yourself. Then you should seek the truth principles and strive to do better next time, instead of being perfunctory” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Most Fundamental Practice of Being an Honest Person). After reading God’s words, my heart suddenly became clear. When mistakes occur in doing duties, I should reflect on myself, summarize the deviations, and open up, lay bare, and dissect myself before everyone, accepting their supervision. This can help prevent future mistakes and is also a practice of being an honest person. My role as a supervisor is an opportunity given by God for me to practice. Moreover, God’s house has never demanded that people make no mistakes at all in doing their duties, much less will it classify people for making mistakes. The key is whether after making a mistake, a person can promptly summarize the reasons, reflect on themselves, seek the truth principles, and avoid repeating the same mistakes. As long as one’s performance of duty is not consistently perfunctory and irreformable, God’s house will treat them correctly and give them opportunities. Being driven by corrupt dispositions, my perfunctoriness in doing my duties led to mistakes, causing losses to the church’s interests. This is a fact. I should be an honest person, lay bare and dissect myself, focus on seeking the truth to resolve my corrupt dispositions, and diligently do my duties. This is the attitude of accepting the truth. If I conceal and deceive when I make mistakes, and cover up my errors with a false image while being obviously full of perfunctoriness in doing my duties in order to delude others, although I may temporarily preserve my pride and status, the problem of being perfunctory will remain unresolved, and I won’t be able to fulfill my duties to standard. This is actually harming myself. I can no longer package myself to protect my pride; I must practice the truth and be an honest person. I thought about other brothers and sisters who also had issues with repetitive production. As a supervisor, I should set an example by bringing my own problems to light, summarizing them with everyone, seeking a path, and preventing everyone from making the same mistakes that could harm the work. Thinking of this gave me the motivation to practice the truth and the courage to admit my mistake.

Wednesday, December 14, 2022, Sunny

During the gathering, I openly shared my state with everyone, exposing my corruption and mistake, and reminded everyone to learn from these lessons. After the gathering, I felt like a heavy burden was finally lifted off my chest. My heart felt relieved and I experienced the sweetness and ease that come from being open and speaking the truth. Contrary to my expectations, the leader did not look down on me but instead fellowshipped God’s words to help me, which was very edifying. I made up my mind to focus on solving the problem of being perfunctory in doing my duties, so that my duties can achieve good results.

Through this experience, I realized that being an honest person is not as simple as I had imagined. It is not about having a straightforward personality and speaking bluntly. This was my distorted understanding. I am deeply corrupted by Satan, filled with corrupt dispositions like deceitfulness, arrogance, and selfishness. To protect my pride and status, I can lie and deceive. I need to accept the judgment, chastisement, and pruning of God’s words, to undergo transformation. I remembered a passage of God’s words I had read before: “In God’s eyes, being able to be an honest person involves more than just a change in conduct and behavior; it also involves essential changes in one’s mentality and views on matters. They no longer have an intention to lie or deceive, and there’s absolutely no falsehood or deception in what they say and do. Their words and deeds become more and more truthful, with more and more honest words. For instance, when asked if you have done something, even if admitting it would lead to getting slapped or being punished, you are still able to tell the truth. Even if admitting it entails bearing significant responsibility, facing death or destruction, you are able to tell the truth and are willing to practice the truth to satisfy God. This indicates that your attitude toward God’s words has become quite firm. No matter when, choosing any one of the standards of practice required by God has become hardly an issue for you; you can naturally attain and put it into practice without the restraints of external circumstances, the guidance of leaders and workers, or the sense of God’s scrutiny beside you. You are able to do these things quite effortlessly on your own. Without the restraints of external circumstances, and not out of fear of God’s discipline, nor fear of the reproach of your conscience, and certainly not out of fear of others’ ridicule or supervision—not because of any of these—you can proactively examine your own behavior, measure its correctness, and evaluate whether it complies with the truth and satisfies God. At that point, you have basically met the standard of being an honest person in God’s eyes” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Resolving One’s Notions Can One Embark on the Right Track of Belief in God (3)). Comparing myself to the standard of an honest person required by God, I know I still fall far short. However, I am willing to strive to meet God’s requirements, practice God’s words in every situation that arises, focus on speaking truthfully, and practice the truth to be an honest person.