By Qinmo, China

In 2016, I was making videos in the church. I noticed that Sister Xin Cheng produced relatively more videos, and during our discussions, her opinions were mostly adopted, and the supervisor frequently asked her to share her views. I assumed that she had been practicing for a long time and was technically proficient, so I thought, “Since I’m new here, I should learn more from her.” But later, I found out that Xin Cheng had only been here for two months, and I started to think, “We both started doing our duty here around the same time. Maybe others will compare me with her. If she can gain everyone’s approval, I can’t be worse than her, or else people will look down on me.” Afterward, I deliberately watched the videos Xin Cheng made, but I didn’t see anything particularly special, so I thought her skills were nothing special—I should be able to reach that level too. To prove that I wasn’t any less capable than Xin Cheng, I carefully pondered every time we discussed the presentation of the videos, trying to offer insights more thoughtful than hers. Even when her views were appropriate, I would still add my own insights on top of hers, so that everyone would think I considered issues more comprehensively than she did.

One time, I saw a video made by Xin Cheng that was quite good. It was refreshing to watch. Even though I conceded it in my heart, the thought of admitting that her video was good felt like publicly slapping myself, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I consoled myself by thinking, “If I put a bit of heart into it, I wouldn’t be any worse than her.” After that, I was especially conscientious in making videos, repeatedly deliberating on the highlights, and considering how to edit them for a good effect. After some hard work, I produced a few videos, and when I had Xin Cheng check them, she didn’t find any issues, so I felt confident that her skill level was about the same as mine. But later, the supervisor asked Xin Cheng to help guide me. I thought to myself, “We both started around the same time, so why should she guide me? The supervisor must think I’m not as good as her.” I felt deeply unconvinced in my heart, thinking, “If I obediently learn from her, it will be like admitting I’m inferior to her, and even if I do well in the future, everyone will credit her instead. I am not going to let that happen!” So, when discussing the presentation of the videos with Xin Cheng, I didn’t care about her opinions at all and just casually dismissed them. On the contrary, when I shared my views, Xin Cheng listened very attentively, and she would often bring up areas she couldn’t see through and seek my input on them. I took this as a sign that I knew more than she did, and didn’t consider her worthy of my attention. Not long after, Xin Cheng was promoted to do her duty in another location, and I felt both happy and envious. I was envious of her promotion, but at the same time, I was secretly pleased because her departure meant I had one less competitor.

After Xin Cheng left, there was a time when we were discussing the presentation of a video. Some issues were hard to see through, causing frequent hold-ups and slow progress. I couldn’t help but think, “In the past, when the supervisor asked Xin Cheng to help me and fellowship on her experience with us, I dismissed it, thinking that I understood everything she knew and that it didn’t matter whether she was in the team or not. Now that Xin Cheng has just left, we’re facing difficulties. It turns out that my understanding of the principles is limited. Without someone to oversee and take the helm, I can’t produce an up-to-standard video at all.” At that moment, I felt how arrogant I had been, and I began to miss Xin Cheng’s presence, thinking how great it would have been to have another person and another set of suggestions to refer to. I recalled some words of God: “You must achieve harmonious cooperation for the purpose of the work of God, for the benefit of the church, and so as to spur your brothers and sisters onward. You should coordinate with one another, each amending the other and arriving at a better work outcome, so as to show consideration for God’s intentions. This is what true cooperation is, and only those who engage in it will gain true entry” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Serve As the Israelites Did). I suddenly realized, that God had arranged for me to work with Xin Cheng so that we could complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses to make the videos better. But for the past few months, I hadn’t been attending to what I should have been doing, focusing only on comparing myself to her and showing off my own abilities, excluding her and not cooperating with her. Now that Xin Cheng had left, I had no chance to learn from her. At this point, I hated myself for having been so unreasonable back then.

In my seeking, I came across these words of God: “Some people always fear that others are better than they are or above them, that other people will be recognized while they get overlooked, and this leads them to attack and exclude others. Is this not a case of being envious of people with talent? Is that not selfish and despicable? What kind of disposition is this? It is maliciousness! Those who only think about their own interests, who only satisfy their own selfish desires, without thinking about others or considering the interests of God’s house, have a bad disposition, and God has no love for them” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). “What’s the most glaring disposition of antichrists? That is, what’s the disposition you’ll be able to see through to when you come into contact with them, from just hearing a phrase or two of theirs? Arrogance. … It’s fair to say that because they’re haughty and believe that there’s no one who measures up to them—that because of this reason, they don’t wish to cooperate or discuss things with anyone, in anything they do. They may listen to sermons, read God’s words, see the exposure of His words, or be pruned at times, but in any case, they won’t own up to having revealed corruption and having transgressed, much less to being arrogant and self-righteous. They aren’t able to understand that they’re just an ordinary person, of ordinary caliber. They can’t understand such things. Regardless of how you prune them, they’ll still think they’re of good caliber, that they’re higher than ordinary people. Is this not beyond hope? (It is.) It’s beyond hope. That’s an antichrist” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Eight: They Would Have Others Submit Only to Them, Not the Truth or God (Part One)). Through the exposure of God’s words, I realized that my behavior had been exactly the envy of talented people and the arrogance beyond reason that God had exposed. Reflecting on when I had just arrived and started making videos, when I had seen that Xin Cheng was able to gain everyone’s approval even though she had also just joined, I had compared myself to her, thinking that if she could do it, so could I. Whether it was making videos or sharing views, I had racked my brains trying to show off my cleverness. I had also been unwilling to acknowledge Xin Cheng’s strengths. Her level of video-making skill was clearly higher than mine, and though I had conceded this in my heart, I had refused to acknowledge it verbally. The supervisor had asked Xin Cheng to help guide me more so that I could quickly grasp the principles and improve my level of skill, but I had taken that as a sign of looking down upon me, and had repeatedly treated Xin Cheng with a flippant attitude. Due to my jealousy, I had remained stuck in my ways with no desire to improve, and hadn’t learned anything from cooperating with her. Moreover, since I had just started training in video-making, I had many deficiencies in my skills, but I had still felt like I knew everything, and had been blindly and stubbornly arrogant. Xin Cheng was better than me at making videos, and was even able to humbly seek guidance and discuss issues with me, but I ignored her strengths and even shamelessly believed I was better than her. If I’d had even a bit of reason to be able to acknowledge my inadequacies, get over myself and learn from Xin Cheng, I wouldn’t be as destitute and pitiful as I was now. Upon realizing this, I prayed to God, “God, I have not been attending to what I should have been doing and have let down Your earnest intention. Even now, I still haven’t mastered the skills, which has delayed my duty. I am willing to repent.”

Two years later, a new supervisor named Wang Lu was appointed. I had previously been responsible for Wang Lu’s work, but now she had become a supervisor following up on and overseeing my work, which made me feel quite uncomfortable. I thought, “I’ve been doing my duty for longer than she has, but she has become a supervisor immediately upon arrival. Will the brothers and sisters think that despite my longer training, I’m still not as good as a newcomer?” Although I never intended to become a supervisor, I didn’t want to be looked down upon either. So I tentatively asked a sister about her opinion of Wang Lu, and the sister said that Wang Lu had quite a good grasp of the principles and that the results of the videos she made were fairly good. Hearing this, I felt unconvinced and couldn’t believe she was really that good. Afterward, I kept looking for the slightest problems with Wang Lu to redress the imbalance in my mindset. One evening, Wang Lu came to summarize the issues in our work, and I wanted to see what exactly her level was, so I waited for her to fellowship. However, she was silent for a long time. I thought, “As a supervisor, why don’t you get the ball rolling? It seems that you’re just a supervisor in name only. You can’t even organize this bit of work.” Afterward, I deliberately told the sisters that Wang Lu was passive and inefficient in her duties, and they agreed with my view. I felt a bit of joy at her misfortune, thinking, “Even though she is well-regarded now, her work capability isn’t impressive in any way. She probably won’t be able to handle the supervisor’s role for long. By then, the brothers and sisters will think that, although I don’t have the caliber to be a supervisor, I am at least dependable and reliable in my duty, and no worse than her.” During another gathering, Wang Lu asked about my state, and I gave a very dismissive answer, making it hard for her to grasp my true state, and intentionally putting her in a difficult position. At the usual gatherings, even if I had insights, I wouldn’t immediately fellowship, and even eagerly hoped that others would also remain silent, to see how Wang Lu would handle the situation. But everyone took the initiative to open up and fellowship, and they actively responded to any questions Wang Lu asked. Seeing that everyone felt free and at ease while I felt out of place, I asked myself, “Why can everyone else treat Wang Lu correctly, whereas I always try to go up against her?” On reflection, I realized that my jealousy was at work again.

One day, I read these words of God: “What kind of disposition is it when a person sees someone who is better than them and they try to bring them down, spreading rumors about them, or employing despicable means to denigrate them and undermine their reputation—even trampling all over them—in order to protect their own place in people’s minds? This is not just arrogance and conceit, it is the disposition of Satan, it is a malicious disposition. That this person can attack and alienate people who are better and stronger than them is insidious and wicked. And that they will stop at nothing to bring people down shows that there is much of a devil in them! Living by the disposition of Satan, they are liable to belittle people, to try to stitch them up, to make things hard for them. Is this not evildoing? And living like this, they still think they’re okay, that they’re a good person—yet when they see someone better than them, they are liable to give them a hard time, to trample all over them. What is the issue here? Are people who are capable of committing such evil deeds not unscrupulous and willful? Such people only think of their own interests, they only consider their own feelings, and all they want is to achieve their own desires, ambitions, and aims. They don’t care how much damage they cause to the work of the church, and they would prefer to sacrifice the interests of the house of God to protect their status in people’s minds and their own reputation. Are people like this not arrogant and self-righteous, selfish and vile? Such people are not only arrogant and self-righteous, they are also extremely selfish and vile. They are not considerate of God’s intentions at all. Do such people have God-fearing hearts? They do not have God-fearing hearts at all. This is why they act wantonly and do whatever they want, without any sense of blame, without any trepidation, without any apprehension or worry, and without considering the consequences. This is what they often do, and how they have always behaved. What is the nature of such behavior? To put it lightly, such people are far too jealous and have too strong a desire for personal reputation and status; they are too deceitful and insidious. To put it more harshly, the essence of the problem is that such people have no God-fearing heart at all. They are not frightened of God, they believe themselves to be of utmost importance, and they regard every aspect of themselves as being higher than God and higher than the truth. In their hearts, God is not worthy of mention and is insignificant, and God does not have any status in their hearts at all. Can those who have no place for God in their hearts, and who do not have God-fearing hearts, put the truth into practice? Absolutely not. So, when they typically go around merrily keeping themselves busy and exerting quite a lot of energy, what are they doing? Such people even claim to have abandoned everything to expend for God and suffered a great deal, but actually, the motive, principle, and objective of all their actions are for the sake of their own status and prestige, of protecting all of their interests. Would you or would you not say that this sort of person is terrible? What kind of people have believed in God for many years, yet have no God-fearing hearts? Are they not arrogant? Are they not Satans? And what things most lack a God-fearing heart? Apart from the beasts, it is the evil and the antichrists, the devils and Satan’s ilk. They don’t accept the truth at all; they are entirely without a God-fearing heart. They are capable of any evil; they are the enemies of God, and the enemies of His chosen people” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Five Conditions That Must Be Met to Embark on the Right Track of Belief in God). Reading God’s words, I felt they deeply pierced my heart. Terms like “the evil,” “the antichrists,” “the devils,” and “Satan” made me feel utterly ashamed. I clearly couldn’t be a supervisor, yet I wanted others to praise me. Seeing Wang Lu, a newcomer, surpassing others, I was afraid people would say that despite my long period of practice, I was still inferior to the newcomer, which made me seem inadequate. Out of jealousy and discontent, I focused on finding faults with her. When Wang Lu first joined and was still unfamiliar with the work, I tried to find fault with her to criticize her for being passive and inefficient, to belittle her and undermine her efforts. During gatherings, I was not proactive in fellowship and didn’t want to let other brothers and sisters share either, deliberately intending to embarrass her. I was truly despicable and malicious, with no fear of God at all! Outwardly, I was jealous of her and worked to undermine her, but in reality, I was disturbing and disrupting the church’s work, and was offending God’s disposition. It was doing evil! I couldn’t fulfill the role of a supervisor myself, yet I seized on others’ faults to make things difficult for them, hoping they would fail too. I was acting as a servant of Satan. If I continued to live in jealousy and competition, sooner or later, I would face God’s punishment for doing many evil deeds.

In my reflection, I read these words of God: “In the camp of Satan, whether in society or in official circles, what is the prevailing atmosphere? What practices are popular? You ought to have some understanding of these. What are the principles and guidelines for their actions? Each is a law unto themselves; each goes their own way. They act in their own interests and do as they choose. Whoever has authority gets the final say. They do not give even a fleeting thought to others. They just do as they will, striving for fame, gain, and status, and acting entirely according to their own preferences. As soon as they receive power, they quickly exert this power over others. If you offend them, they wish to put you through the wringer, and you are unable to do anything but offer them gifts. They are as vicious as scorpions, willing to violate laws, government regulations, and even commit crimes. These are all things they are capable of. This is how dark and evil it is in Satan’s camp. Now, God has come to save humanity, to allow people to accept the truth, understand the truth, and break free from Satan’s bondage and power. If you don’t accept the truth and don’t practice the truth, aren’t you still living under Satan’s power? In that case, what is the difference between your current state and that of devils and Satan? You would compete in the same way that nonbelievers compete. You would fight in the same way that nonbelievers fight. From morning to night, you would plot, scheme, envy, and engage in disputes. What is the root of this problem? It is because people have corrupt dispositions, and live according to these corrupt dispositions. The reign of corrupt dispositions is the reign of Satan; corrupted humanity dwells within a satanic disposition, and no one is an exception” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). After reading God’s words, I remembered that before I believed in God, I adhered to rules of survival like “There can only be one alpha male,” and “Legitimacy belongs to the winner; the losers are always in the wrong.” I thought that surpassing those around me and becoming the one who is highly regarded and supported by others was the value of existence. Under the domination of this mindset, in school, those who with higher scores or more attention from teachers became the ones I secretly compared myself to. After entering the workforce, I often heard that to secure a stable position and be respected, one must stand out and be exceptional. When there was someone around who was more capable than I was, it felt like a crisis, as it meant an additional competitor, and in a certain field, if an experienced person is surpassed by a newcomer, it is even more humiliating. I continued viewing things this way even after I began to believe in God. In any group of people, I would first look at who was better than me or who might threaten my position. If anyone surpassed me in any area, I would feel embarrassed and become jealous and unconvinced. When I saw brothers and sisters who were better than me, I became jealous and excluded them, and always tried to belittle them and elevate myself. To outdo them, I could even resort to scheming, seizing on faults, and passing judgments behind their backs, hoping to bring them down to feel satisfied. I realized that living by Satan’s rules of survival, I became arrogant, malicious, and without humanity, and also disturbed the church’s work. God did not treat me according to my evil deeds but still gave me the opportunity to repent. I thanked God from the bottom of my heart, and no longer wished to continue to live according to my corrupt dispositions.

Later, I read these words of God: “Do not always do things for your own sake and do not constantly consider your own interests; do not consider the interests of man, and give no thought to your own pride, reputation, and status. You must first consider the interests of God’s house, and make them your priority. You should be considerate of God’s intentions and begin by contemplating whether or not there have been impurities in the performance of your duty, whether you have been loyal, fulfilled your responsibilities, and given it your all, as well as whether or not you have been wholeheartedly thinking about your duty and the work of the church. You must consider these things. If you think about them frequently and figure them out, it will be easier for you to perform your duty well. If you are of poor caliber, if your experience is shallow, or if you are not proficient in your professional work, then there may be some mistakes or deficiencies in your work, and you may not get good results—but you will have done your best. You do not satisfy your own selfish desires or preferences. Instead, you give constant consideration to the work of the church and the interests of the house of God. Though you may not achieve good results in your duty, your heart will have been set straight; if, on top of this, you can seek the truth to solve the problems in your duty, you will be up to standard in the performance of your duty, and, at the same time, you will be able to enter into the truth reality. This is what it means to possess testimony” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). God’s words pointed out to me the principles to practice: When facing situations, I shouldn’t prioritize protecting my own interests, face, or status, but should rather consider the interests of God’s house, and do whatever is necessary to protect the work of God’s house. When I see that others are better than me and can do actual work, I should support and uphold them. Even if they have deficiencies, I should treat them correctly, not holding excessively high expectations for them, and learning from their strengths and virtues. Wang Lu had just started practicing as a supervisor, and it was normal for her to have some shortcomings. As long as she is the right person and can do some actual work, I should help her with love and cooperate with her to do the work well together. This is upholding the work of the church. When I corrected my mindset, I no longer felt jealous of Wang Lu, but instead, I grew to admire her. Despite her young age, she considered issues thoughtfully, worked with composure and steadiness, and paid attention to seeking principles. All these were what I lacked. I no longer felt resistant toward her, I could also take the initiative to report to and discuss with her any issues in the work, and I was also willing to accept her feedback when she pointed out our shortcomings in the work. By practicing this way, I didn’t feel embarrassed; instead, I felt more liberated.

Later, I was transferred to another team to work with Jian Ran. Although we had been doing this duty for about the same amount of time, I saw that her efficiency and professional skills were clearly superior to mine. At first, I felt quite embarrassed and worried that others might look down on me. But then I realized that with her strong skills, I could learn more from her to make up for my deficiencies, so I was very willing to cooperate with her. However, later, when the supervisor assigned her to be in charge of the work, and other sisters often went to her to discuss some issues, I felt imbalanced again. I thought, “Isn’t it just that she’s a bit more capable and effective in her duty? Is that really a reason for everyone to flock around her? It seems that I’m invisible.” I felt unconvinced in my heart, but at that moment, I realized it was my jealousy acting up again. So, I prayed to God, asking Him to guide me to correctly handle this situation. Afterward, I read these words of God: “The role you play in your life and the duty you do were ordained by God long ago. Some people see that others possess strengths they do not and are discontent. They want to change things by learning more, seeing more, and being more diligent. But there is a limit to what their diligence can achieve, and they cannot surpass those with gifts and expertise. No matter how much you fight, it is useless. God has ordained what you will be, and there is nothing anyone can do to change it. Whatever you are good at, that is where you should make an effort. Whatever duty you are suited to is the duty you should perform. Do not try to force yourself into areas outside your skillset and do not envy others. Everyone has their function. Do not think that you can do everything well, or that you are more perfect or better than others, always desiring to replace others and put yourself on display. This is a corrupt disposition. There are those who think that they cannot do anything well, and that they have no skills at all. If that is the case, you should just be a person who listens and submits in a down-to-earth manner. Do what you can and do it well, with all your strength. That is enough. God will be satisfied” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). From God’s words, I understood that everyone’s caliber and strengths are different, they were all predetermined by God, and we cannot compete for them. God’s intention is for us to correctly treat our own and others’ strengths and shortcomings, to stand in our own position and do our duties well. It was a fact that my work capability and grasp of principles were not as good as Jian Ran’s, and the brothers and sisters consulted her more for the sake of doing their duties well, not to regard her highly and belittle me. Everyone was doing their duties as a created being in their respective roles; no one was higher or lower than anyone else. Jian Ran’s strengths precisely complemented my shortcomings, so I should actively seek her advice and learn from her to gain more. At this moment, I felt brightened. I need to face my own caliber and deficiencies, put aside my ambitions and desires, and do what I am capable of doing well. This is the reason that I should have. Later, I focused on doing the work I should do to the best of my ability, and sought and discussed together with Jian Ran when I encountered things I could not see through. Later, when I met people who were better than me, there were times when jealousy would still surface, but I could consciously reflect on myself and pray to rebel against that, and my heart didn’t feel so constrained and bound. Living this way brought much more ease and release. Thank God!