A Letter to Ai Xi

By Shi Jing, China

Dear Ai Xi,

Long time no see! How’ve you been? We haven’t seen each other for over a year, but it feels like what happened when we performed our duty together is still fresh in my mind. Because I didn’t accept the truth, I hurt you, and we became estranged. Every time I think about it, I feel self-reproach. I really want to say “I’m sorry” to you. I’m writing this letter to tell you about my reflections and understanding.

Back then, we were responsible for watering work. Because I’d just started, I didn’t know much about this duty and you helped me often. When you saw what I hadn’t done well, you gave me pointers and reminders. I knew that this was you helping me. But as you pointed more things out to me, I felt uncomfortable. One time, the people doing watering duty weren’t working well together so I had to write a letter to resolve the situation. I felt some disdain for them, and I chided them with an interrogative tone. Seeing this, you asked me what my mindset was when I wrote the letter, and frankly pointed out my problems. You said it wasn’t right to write a letter that way, that I was acting superior, and that it would easily cause people to feel constrained. You told me to reflect on myself and amend my letter. Although I realized, too, that I was revealing an arrogant disposition, I kept reasoning against it in my heart, thinking, “How come every time I write a letter, you’ve got a problem with it? You make me look bad talking like that, like I can’t even resolve such a simple problem. What will others think of me if they find out?” I couldn’t accept it in my heart and became prejudiced against you. I thought, too, that when I found a problem with you in the future, I’d point it out as well so that you wouldn’t think I could be pushed around. One time, someone in charge of safeguarding books of God’s word was irresponsible and took a slack attitude. You wrote him a letter, fellowshipping and dissecting the nature and consequences of such actions, using rather stern language. I seized on this issue and said the way you’d written wasn’t right, that you were acting superior and chiding people, and that fellowshipping in that way made it hard for people to accept. You fellowshipped with me under what circumstances we could prune others, under what circumstances we could fellowship and help others, and said that this person understood everything, they were just irresponsible, and under such circumstances, we could prune them. I knew that what you said was right and beneficial to the work, but my heart wouldn’t accept it. It felt like everything you said was right, and everything I did was wrong, and you were always finding fault with me. It seemed like I had to be more mindful in the future to avoid revealing any corruption or saying anything wrong, so you wouldn’t expose me and embarrass me. From then on, I became hesitant and reserved in my duty and didn’t feel any release in the slightest bit. I felt very weary inside. Normally, when you saw me being perfunctory in my duty, you’d point it out to me. And when I had a backlog of work that I hadn’t dealt with in a timely manner, you’d say I was lazy and craved comforts, not bearing the burden of my duty. I knew that you were talking about my problems but every time my heart would seethe and I’d feel like you were always exposing my problems and talking so directly, not being tactful and considering my pride and feelings, putting me on the spot. I couldn’t accept it in my heart. All I could do was hurriedly do my duty, feeling helpless and resistant, to avoid having you point out my problems again. Because I hadn’t sought the truth or reflected on myself, the problems in my duty never got resolved.

Later, there was one time when I wrote a letter communicating to the waterers about some deviations that needed correcting in the work. As I wrote, I saw that I wasn’t expressing things clearly, but I couldn’t be bothered to amend it. When you saw my letter, you pointed out my problems again, saying that I’d not explained things clearly, that you couldn’t tell what problem I wanted to resolve. You asked me to carefully consider this and not be perfunctory, and fellowshipped with me in detail about how to write this letter. I felt resistance in my heart again, and thought, “Why are you always picking out my faults and making things hard for me? I never had this many problems when I wrote letters before, so how come you find so many things wrong? If the leader or brothers and sisters find out, what will they think of me? Will they think that I can’t even resolve such small issues and that it was a mistake to choose me to be in charge of watering work? I don’t know how to collaborate in this work anymore. You’re always exposing my shortcomings and think little of me. So just do it yourself and you can write this letter yourself, too. It makes me feel so constrained to work with you!” The more I thought about this, the more upset I felt, and I even thought about getting you back, “If things don’t work out, I’ll write a letter to the leader reporting your problems and propose that I resign. That way, the leader will know that it’s not me not doing the work, but that it’s you being too arrogant that makes me unwilling to cooperate, and the leader will surely prune you. If I leave and the work is affected, then it’ll be your transgression, and you’ll feel guilt and self-reproach. That’s what you get for always pointing out my problems!” I knew I shouldn’t do this, as doing this was lacking humanity, but I couldn’t help but feel prejudiced against you. At gatherings, I talked about what I’d been revealing recently, but because I had no self-knowledge, behind everything I said was complaining and blaming, which made you feel constrained. I could feel you being very cautious when you spoke to me after that, worried to point out my problems in case I wouldn’t accept it, so you did your best to fellowship with me tactfully. Because I had no self-knowledge, however, when you mentioned my problems again, I immediately clammed up and ignored you. One time, I didn’t speak to you for more than a day, which caused delays to the work we needed to communicate about. I felt very stifled and in pain and went to the bathroom to cry. I saw you go to another room with a computer to work and knew that you were in a bad state too. The words “emotional abuse” came to my mind then, and I felt that this was how I was behaving, causing you pain. But I just couldn’t rid myself of this state I was in, and I cried as I prayed to God, wanting to correct this state.

I read some of God’s words at that time, and within it was a passage that moved me. God says: “Some people say, ‘Before being pruned, I felt like I had a path to follow, but after being pruned, I don’t know what to do.’ Why is it that they don’t know what to do after being pruned? What’s the reason for this? (When faced with pruning, they don’t accept the truth or attempt to know themselves. They harbor some notions and don’t seek the truth to resolve them. This leaves them without a path. Instead of finding the cause within themselves, they claim the opposite, that it was being pruned that caused them to lose their way.) Isn’t this recrimination? It’s like saying, ‘What I did was in accordance with principles, but your pruning of me makes it clear that you’re not letting me handle things according to principles. So, how am I supposed to practice in the future?’ This is what people who say such things mean. Are they accepting being pruned? Do they accept the fact that they made mistakes? (No.) Doesn’t this statement actually mean that they know how to recklessly commit misdeeds, but when pruned and asked to act according to principles, they don’t know what to do and become confused? (Yes.) So, how did they do things before? When someone faces being pruned, isn’t it because they didn’t act according to principles? (Yes.) They recklessly commit misdeeds, don’t seek the truth, and don’t do things according to principles or the rules of God’s house, so they receive pruning. The purpose of pruning is to enable people to seek the truth and act according to principles, to prevent them from recklessly committing misdeeds again. However, when faced with being pruned, those people say they don’t know how to act or how to practice anymore—do these words contain any element of self-knowledge? (No.) They have no intention to know themselves or seek the truth. Instead, they imply: ‘I used to do my duties very well, but since you pruned me, you’ve thrown my thoughts into disarray and confused my approach to my duties. Now my thinking is not normal, and I’m not as decisive or bold as I was before, I’m not as brave, and this is all due to being pruned. Since I was pruned, my heart has been deeply wounded. So, I must tell others to be very careful when doing their duties. They must not reveal their flaws or slip up; if they slip up, they’ll be pruned, and then they’ll become timid and lose the drive they once had. Their bold spirit will be significantly dulled, and their youthful courage and desire to give it their all will disappear, leaving them meekly wimpish, fearful of their own shadow, and feeling that nothing they do is right. They’ll no longer feel God’s presence in their hearts, and will feel increasingly distant from Him. Even praying and crying out to God will seem to go unanswered. They’ll feel they don’t have the same vitality, exuberance, and lovableness, and will even start to look down on themselves.’ Are these the heartfelt words fellowshipped by someone with experience? Are they genuine? Do they edify or benefit people? Isn’t this just twisting facts? (Yes, these words are quite absurd.)” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (17)). After reading God’s words, I suddenly thought of my own behavior and revelations. I’d always thought that it was me who was constrained. I thought that I never had this many problems writing letters before, but now, with you, there seemed to be so many problems, and I didn’t know how to work together to do this work anymore—in fact, all these thoughts were distorted. When I wrote letters, I was revealing an arrogant disposition and constraining people. I was perfunctory when resolving problems, and was usually lazy and had no burden for my duty. By pointing out these problems to me, you were taking responsibility for the work and helping me, enabling me to reflect on and know my own issues in a timely manner, to do my duty in line with truth principles and achieve results in solving problems. But I didn’t accept it and instead thought that you pointing out my problems to get me to abandon my wrong ways of doing things made me feel constrained, and I became hesitant in my duty. I couldn’t write letters as well as before, and I didn’t know how to work together in my duty. The implication was that the way I was doing things was in line with the truth, that your guidance was wrong, and that if you’d let me do my duty as I wanted then I would do it just fine. I regarded your proper guidance as negative and my wrong ways of doing things as fine. I really wasn’t accepting the truth, I couldn’t tell positive from negative and was deaf to all reason!

I had only this superficial understanding at that time. Do you remember? We later opened up to each other and talked about our states. You said you hadn’t looked down on me and that it wasn’t that you were giving me a hard time, and you said you didn’t know how to communicate with me when I ignored you, that you felt it was really tough to do the duty this way, and even that you wanted to quit doing your duty here. Let me tell you, when I heard you say that, I felt all cut up inside. I never realized I’d made you feel so constrained and hurt. I always thought my humanity was fine, and that even if I revealed some corruption, I wouldn’t constrain or hurt anyone. But this is how it was, and I had to face it and reflect on myself. I was reassigned to another duty over those two days and I left feeling guilty and regretful.

Later, I sought and reflected in order to understand my own problems. I read these words of God: “With antichrists, when it comes to the matter of being pruned, they are unable to accept it. And there are reasons they are unable to accept it, the main one being that when they are pruned, they feel they have lost face, that they have lost their reputation, status and dignity, that they have been left unable to raise their heads in front of everyone. These things have an effect in their hearts, so they find it hard to accept being pruned, and they feel that whoever prunes them has it out for them and is their enemy. This is the mentality of antichrists when they are pruned. Of this, you can be sure. It is in pruning, in fact, that whether someone can accept the truth and whether someone can truly submit is most revealed. That antichrists are so resistant to pruning suffices to show that they are averse to the truth and do not accept it in the least. This, then, is the crux of the problem. Their pride is not the crux of the matter; not accepting the truth is the essence of the problem. When they are pruned, antichrists demand that it be done with a nice tone and attitude. If the doer’s tone is serious and their attitude is severe, an antichrist will resist and be defiant, and grow furious from shame. They pay no mind to whether what is exposed in them is right or whether it is a fact, and they do not reflect on where they have erred or on whether they should accept the truth. They think only of whether their vanity and pride have suffered a blow. Antichrists are entirely unable to recognize that pruning is helpful to people, and loving, and salvific, that they are of benefit to people. They cannot even see this. Is this not a bit undiscriminating and unreasonable of them? So, when faced with being pruned, what disposition is it that an antichrist reveals? Without any doubt, that disposition is one of being averse to the truth, as well as one of arrogance and intransigence. This reveals that the nature essence of antichrists is one of being averse to the truth and hating it” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Eight)). From what God’s words exposed I saw that when antichrists lose face from being guided, helped, and pruned by another, even when they know that what the other person is exposing is the truth, they never reflect on their own problems and believe that it’s the other person who is giving them a hard time, and so they feel hatred, aversion, and even want to get back at that person. I saw that the nature of an antichrist is averse to and hates the truth. Reading God’s words, I came to some understanding of the corrupt disposition I was revealing. I thought about how I was perfunctory and had no burden for my duty, how I wasn’t attentive when writing letters and didn’t express things clearly. You pointing problems out was so that I could quickly correct them, and this would have been beneficial to the work, but I just thought you were giving me a hard time and I refused to accept it in order to save face. I put the blame on you, wanting to run you down to the leader, and I even ignored you, causing you hurt and delaying work progress. Your help to me was always a positive thing and in accord with the truth and I should’ve accepted it and made swift corrections. Instead, I regarded your kind help as belittlement, and this even gave rise to aversion, hatred, and the wish to get back at you. On the surface, I appeared to not accept your guidance, but in essence, I wasn’t accepting positive things or the truth, I was in opposition to the truth, and this showed that I was fundamentally not someone who submitted to the truth. I didn’t like you exposing my true situation. I loved being esteemed and praised. I saw that in my nature, I was vain, wicked, and didn’t love the truth, and that I was walking the path of the antichrist. I was in such pain, living in my corrupt disposition, and this was nothing more than what I deserved! I thought of God’s words: “When a person is averse to the truth, this is undoubtedly fatal to their attaining salvation. This is not something that can or cannot be forgiven, it is not a form of behavior, or something that is fleetingly revealed in them. It is the nature essence of a person, and God is most sickened by such people” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. To Fulfill One’s Duty Well, Understanding the Truth Is Most Crucial). I felt how God detested and hated those who were averse to the truth. I knew well that you pointing out my problems was in accord with the facts and in line with truth principles, but I wouldn’t accept it, and instead I overanalyzed it, just like a disbeliever. By doing this, my corruption couldn’t be resolved and I had no way to do my duty according to principles. All I would do was cause loss and bring obstacles to church work and make God detest me.

I read another passage of God’s words and came to some understanding of the satanic poisons behind not accepting being pruned. God says: “What should you do if someone keeps calling out your shortcomings? You might say, ‘If you call me out, I’ll call you out, too!’ Is it good to target each other like that? Is that the way that people should comport themselves, act, and treat others? (No.) People may know that they should not do this as a matter of doctrine, yet many people still cannot overcome such temptations and snares. It may be that you haven’t heard anyone calling out your shortcomings, or targeting you, or judging you behind your back—but when you do hear someone saying such things, you won’t be able to bear it. Your heart will beat faster and your hot-headedness will come forth; you will say, ‘How dare you call me out? If you are unkind to me, I’ll do wrong to you! If you call out my shortcomings, don’t think I won’t call out your sore spots!’ Others say, ‘There’s a saying that goes, “If you strike others, don’t strike them in the face; if you call others out, don’t call out their shortcomings,” so I won’t call out your shortcomings, but I’ll find other ways to take care of you and take you down a peg. We’ll see who’s tough!’ Are these methods good or not? (No.) For almost anyone, if they find out that someone has called them out, judged them, or said something bad about them behind their back, their first reaction will be one of anger. They will bristle with rage, unable to eat or sleep—and if they do manage to sleep, they will even be swearing in their dreams! Their impetuousness knows no bounds! It’s such a trifling matter, yet they cannot get over it. This is the impact that impetuousness has on people, the evil results that come of corrupt dispositions. When a corrupt disposition becomes someone’s life, where does it primarily show? It shows in that when the person encounters something they find disagreeable, that thing first affects their feelings, and then that person’s impetuousness will burst forth. And as it does, the person will live in their impetuousness and regard the matter by dint of their corrupt disposition. The philosophical views of Satan will arise in their heart, and they will start considering which ways and means they will use to take their revenge, thereby laying bare their corrupt disposition. People’s ideas and viewpoints on dealing with problems such as this, and the ways and means that come to them, and even their feelings and impetuousness all come from corrupt dispositions. So, what are the corrupt dispositions that come up in this case? The first is certainly malice, followed by arrogance, deceit, wickedness, intransigence, aversion to the truth, and hatred of the truth. Of these corrupt dispositions, arrogance may be the least influential. What, then, are the corrupt dispositions that are most able to dominate a person’s feelings and thoughts, and determine how they will ultimately deal with this matter? They are malice, intransigence, aversion to the truth, and hatred of the truth. These corrupt dispositions bind a person in a death grip, and it is obvious that they are living in Satan’s net. How does Satan’s net arise? Is it not corrupt dispositions that give rise to it? Your corrupt dispositions have woven all kinds of satanic nets for you. For instance, when you hear that someone is doing something like judging you, cursing you, or calling out your shortcomings behind your back, you let satanic philosophies and corrupt dispositions be your life and dominate your thoughts, your views, and your feelings, thus engendering a sequence of actions. These corrupt actions are mainly the result of your having a satanic nature and disposition. Whatever your circumstances may be, as long as you are bound, controlled, and dominated by Satan’s corrupt disposition, everything you live out, everything you reveal, and everything you display—or your feelings, your thoughts and views, and your ways and means of doing things—are all satanic. All of these things violate the truth and are hostile to the words of God and the truth. The further removed you are from the word of God and the truth, the more controlled and ensnared you are by Satan’s net. If instead, you can break free from the fetters and control of your corrupt dispositions, and rebel against them, come before God, and act and resolve problems with the methods and principles of which God’s words tell you, then you will gradually break free from Satan’s net. After breaking free, what you then live out is no longer the same old likeness of a satanic person who is controlled by their corrupt dispositions, but that of a new person who takes God’s words as their life. Your whole way of living changes. But if you give in to the feelings, thoughts, views, and practices that satanic dispositions give rise to, then you will adhere to a litany of satanic philosophies and various techniques, such as ‘If you strike others, don’t strike them in the face; if you call others out, don’t call out their shortcomings,’ ‘It is never too late for a gentleman to take his revenge,’ ‘Better to be a true villain than a fake gentleman,’ ‘He who does not seek revenge is not a man.’ These will be in your heart, dictating your actions. If you take these satanic philosophies as the basis for your actions, the character of your actions will change, and you will be doing evil, and resisting God. If you take these negative thoughts and viewpoints as the basis for your actions, it is obvious that you have strayed far from God’s teachings and words, and that you have fallen into Satan’s net and cannot extricate yourself” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. What It Means to Pursue the Truth (8)). Having read God’s words, I understood that Satan indoctrinates people with its satanic philosophies like “If you strike others, don’t strike them in the face; if you call others out, don’t call out their shortcomings,” “If you’re unkind, I won’t be fair,” and “Here’s a taste of your own medicine.” They incite people to act impetuously, saying that whoever harms one’s reputation and interests must be paid back in kind. This causes people to fight, attack, and hurt each other. People therefore become more and more vicious and sinister, and they lose their normal humanity. I saw that I was living constantly by these satanic poisons. When I heard anyone exposing my corruption and problems, I didn’t accept it humbly but instead revealed hotheadedness and treated them coldly and hostilely. Just like those times, I regarded your guidance and help as something negative, believing that you were exposing my shortcomings and harming my reputation and interests, so I turned it around and fixated on your problems, and said that your pruning, which accorded with principles, was you acting superior, and I even wanted the leader to prune you and I wanted to make you feel self-reproach and guilt by resigning my post. I pretended to be a victim and intentionally ignored and ostracized you. My goal was to make you stop talking about my problems, thereby protecting my reputation and interests. I really was like an angry bear that no one dares to poke, without a shred of humanity or reason! When pointing out my problems, you even had to look at what my expression was and felt constrained by me, wanting to escape this situation and not do your duty anymore, and eventually the work was delayed. In what way was my action something a human would do? This was me doing evil and resisting God! I was disgusted by my own behaviors and my heart filled with self-hatred. I was living by satanic poisons and had become arrogant, vicious, and selfish. Not only did I hurt you, but I committed transgressions and caused myself regret—I really was harming both myself and others! I thought about how some antichrists react when brothers and sisters who pursue the truth with a sense of justice give suggestions to them and expose the things they do that are at odds with truth principles, which affects their reputation and status. They feel aversion and resistance and are shamed into anger. They distort facts and put the blame on the brothers and sisters, suppressing and tormenting those with a sense of justice, in order to shore up their position. Their actions harm brothers and sisters, disturb, disrupt, and destroy church work, and offend God’s disposition, leading to their expulsion from the church. Was the nature of my behavior not like this? I saw how conducting myself and acting by my satanic disposition was really causing God to detest me, and that if I didn’t repent, then sooner or later I’d end up doing evil things that destroy and disturb church work just like antichrists and evil people, and thus offending God’s disposition and being eliminated by God—I really was in such danger! Thinking this, I felt afraid and filled with remorse, and was willing to come before God to repent and confess.

I then began to seek the path of practice and saw a passage of God’s words: “What should you do if you wish to give the path of an antichrist a wide berth? You should take the initiative to draw close to people who love the truth, people who are upright, get close to people who can point out your issues, who can speak truthfully and reproach you when they discover your problems, and especially people who can prune you when they discover your problems—these are the people who are most beneficial to you, and you should cherish them. If you exclude and get rid of such good people, then you will lose God’s protection, and disaster will gradually come to you. By getting close to good people and people who understand the truth, you will have peace and joy, and you will be able to keep disaster at bay; by getting close to vile people, shameless people, and people who flatter you, you will be in danger. Not only will you be easily duped and tricked, but disaster may come upon you at any time. You must know what kind of person can benefit you the most—it is those who can warn you when you do something wrong, or when you exalt and testify about yourself and mislead others, that can benefit you the most. Getting close to such people is the correct path to take” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Four: They Exalt and Testify About Themselves). From reading God’s words, I found the path of practice. I should draw close to those who guide and help me, and not avoid them. I thought about how you had no evil intentions when you pointed out my problems. Even though you sometimes spoke frankly, what you said was factual and accorded with principles, so I shouldn’t have reacted impetuously. Even if I couldn’t accept it or didn’t understand it at the time, I should have had a truth-seeking heart, pondered what would be beneficial to the work of God’s house and then done that, minimizing problems and deviations. I thought about how I didn’t have a sense of burden in my duty, how I had a tendency to sound superior when writing letters, how I didn’t consider the other person’s real difficulties and feelings, and how perfunctory and inattentive I was. You pointing out my problems and exposing my corrupt dispositions was you helping me reflect on myself, and it would be helpful for me to do my duty in a serious and attentive way and to achieve results. I should have thanked you and accepted your supervision and help more. You pointing out my problems was positive and it restrained me, otherwise I would’ve lived within my corrupt dispositions without knowing it, I would’ve carried on doing my duty perfunctorily and without a sense of burden, causing losses to the work, and I would’ve become an untrustworthy person detested by God. Realizing this, I consciously turned myself around and started to have more of a sense of burden in my duty than before. When problems arose, I focused on approaching them without relying on hotheadedness or my arrogant disposition, and I pondered how to fellowship in a way that would bring results. I felt much steadier in my heart by practicing in this way. I also truly felt that by being able to let go of reputation and accept and submit to the truth, one can truly have integrity, dignity, humanity, and reason. If one is averse to the truth, not only does one have no understanding of the truth, but one can’t do one’s duty well either and is detested by God. Conducting oneself this way makes one so lowly and worthless.

Later, when working together in my duty with other brothers and sisters, I would still reveal these corrupt dispositions, and then I would consciously pray to God, relinquish myself, accept the guidance and help of others, and practice entry. Gradually, these dispositions weren’t as serious as they had been before. I felt that adopting other people’s suggestions was indeed a great help and was beneficial to the work. I felt steady and free in my heart, and that this was a great way to practice. Thinking back over these things, I feel so grateful to God. Without God revealing me in this way and the judgment and revelation of His words, I’d simply have no self-knowledge at all and wouldn’t be able to see that I’d been corrupted so much by Satan that my disposition had become vicious and averse to the truth. When my interests were affected, I’d vent my anger in my duty, showing no submission to God at all and living without any human likeness. I was so filthy and corrupt with bad humanity, yet God didn’t eliminate me for this, but instead, He still gave me a chance to reflect and repent so that I’d know how to conduct myself. He led me little by little to understand and accept the truth, and I thank God from the bottom of my heart. Though I’m still very corrupt and possess many deficiencies, I’m willing to pursue the truth and resolve my corruption. I thank God for His guidance and salvation!

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say for now. If you think there’s anything that I haven’t understood, please do let me know, as that would be a great help to me.

Sincerely,

Shi Jing

September 19, 2023