By Arabella, South Korea

Some time ago, the leaders arranged for me to train at reciting God’s words. I was very happy to hear this news, feeling that this opportunity was quite hard to come by. However, when I thought back to when I had trained in recitation a few years previously, as regards the aspects of expressing tone, as well as my speed, phrasing, and emphasis, I’d had problems to varying degrees. At that time, I had felt that these problems were difficult to solve, and I lived in the difficulty, always defining myself as incapable, and thinking I was not cut out for recitation. Moreover, every day that I had practiced, my shortcomings had been exposed, and brothers and sisters had pointed out my problems. So I had felt that doing this duty made me seem too incompetent, and I had become even more negative and passive in my heart. I had no intention of making efforts to solve these problems but only practiced perfunctorily. As a result, after practicing for over half a year, I had made no significant improvement, and eventually, I was reassigned to another duty. When I thought about facing these problems again, I felt overwhelmed. Not only would my flesh have to suffer, but it was also uncertain whether I could eventually improve. Thinking about this made me troubled. A sister fellowshipped with me, “It’s precisely because we have inadequacies and deficiencies that we need to step up our training. This work urgently needs people to cooperate. Your Mandarin is pretty good, and your voice also has a pleasant timbre to it. You must cherish such conditions and opportunities!” After listening to the sister’s fellowship, I was somewhat touched in my heart, thinking, “Yes, I have a good voice—this is God’s grace. Now it is time for me to do my part. I cannot live in the difficulty; I need to strive upward and endeavor to improve as soon as possible, so that I can fulfill this duty!”

From then onward, I actively threw myself into practicing. Sister Zoe, the supervisor, listened to a piece of recitation that I had recorded and gave me guidance and help on it. She said, “The phrasing and emphasis in some parts of your reading are not quite appropriate. Have you been practicing for too short a time? Additionally, your breathing is also unstable, and your voice sounds insubstantial. You need to practice breathing more.” She also pointed out some detailed issues. After listening to her words, I felt a bit upset, thinking, “There are so many problems with my recitation; it’s really abysmal. And breathing isn’t something that can be improved quickly. It requires a long process of practice and accumulation!” Thinking about these detailed technical issues that she had mentioned, I felt devoid of any merit, and my face became all hot. I thought, “If I’m this bad, why should I even read? How long will I have to practice to fix so many problems? Other sisters read quite well. No matter how much I practice, I can’t match them. Even if I just about manage to do this duty in the future, I will be living in others’ shadows, and I will always be the ‘inferior student,’ without being able to make my presence felt at all.” Thinking about these things, I lost the desire to do this duty. Coincidentally, I had other work to do in the following days, so I didn’t practice, and whenever I had some time, I just rested for a while.

A few days later, the leader asked me if I had been practicing recitation. I said assertively, “I’ve been quite busy with my duty these past few days and haven’t had time to practice.” The leader asked me, “Then, have you been thinking about practicing? This duty is urgent. If you don’t find a way to make more time for practice, when will you be able to shoulder this duty?” I was a bit speechless and also felt a stab of pain in my heart. Thinking about it, although I had been a bit busy with my duty these past few days, it wasn’t that I couldn’t find any time at all. The main issue was that I felt the problems with my recitation were too difficult to resolve. Even if I endured hardship and paid a price, I might not necessarily achieve good results, and I would still need to be corrected by others. I was unwilling to face this, so I avoided it whenever I could. The leader’s question pierced right through me, and I felt somewhat upset, realizing that I had been too flippant and irresponsible in my approach to this duty. So, I inwardly reminded myself to change my attitude toward doing this duty. Hence, I quickly arranged time to practice.

After a few days, I felt that my recitation had improved somewhat, so I made an audio recording and submitted it to Zoe. I thought that she would say I had made some progress, but to my surprise, she again pointed out quite a few issues: unstable breathing, disjointed sentences, and so on. She patiently analyzed the issues for me, had me practice on the spot, and corrected me. When I couldn’t correct the problems after multiple attempts, I became impatient and even felt a bit aggrieved, thinking, “I’ve been practicing for several days and still have so many problems. Maybe I naturally don’t have the comprehension and caliber for it. I’m not able to do this duty. I shouldn’t embarrass myself any further on this; I’d better take on another duty!” I started having thoughts of escaping and no longer wanted to continue practicing recitation, but I didn’t dare mention it, fearing that others would say I was rejecting my duty. So, I became negative and slacked off, and didn’t put much effort into practicing, thinking that if I made no improvements over time, the leader might not let me continue practicing.

One evening, I suddenly saw a message from the leader, saying, “You don’t need to practice recitation anymore.” Upon seeing this message, I felt a sudden emptiness in my heart, along with an indescribable discomfort. Losing this duty didn’t bring the relief or satisfaction I had imagined it would; instead, I felt deeply reproached and heavy-hearted. At that moment, I thought of two passages of God’s words and quickly looked them up and read them. God says: “This is because the thing that most perceptibly reflects the bond that links you to God is how you treat the matters God entrusts to you and the duty He assigns you, and the attitude you have. What is most observable and most practical is this issue. God is waiting; He wants to see your attitude. At this crucial juncture, you should hurry and make your position known to God, accept His commission, and perform your duty well. When you have grasped this crucial point and fulfilled the commission God has given to you, your relationship with God will be normal. If, when God entrusts a task to you, or tells you to perform a certain duty, your attitude is cursory and apathetic, and you do not take it seriously, is this not precisely the opposite of giving all your heart and strength? Can you perform your duty well in this way? Certainly not. You will not perform your duty adequately. So, your attitude when performing your duty is of crucial importance, as are the method and path you choose. No matter how many years they have believed in God, those who fail to perform their duties well will be eliminated” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). “There are some people who are unwilling to suffer at all in their duties, who always complain whenever they encounter a problem and refuse to pay a price. What kind of attitude is that? It is a perfunctory one. If you perform your duty perfunctorily, and approach it with an irreverent attitude, what will the result be? You will perform your duty poorly, though you are capable of performing it well—your performance will not be up to standard, and God will be very dissatisfied with the attitude you have toward your duty. If you could have prayed to God, sought the truth, and put your whole heart and mind into it, if you could have cooperated in this way, then God would have prepared everything for you in advance, so that when you were handling matters, everything would fall into place, and get good results. You would not need to exert a vast amount of energy; when you did your utmost to cooperate, God would have already arranged everything for you. If you are slippery and slack off, if you do not attend properly to your duty, and always go down the wrong path, then God will not act upon you; you will lose this opportunity, and God will say, ‘You are no good; I cannot use you. Go stand off to the side. You like being wily and slacking off, don’t you? You like being lazy, and taking it easy, do you not? Well then, take it easy forevermore!’ God will give this grace and opportunity to someone else. What do you say: Is this a loss or a gain? (A loss.) It is an enormous loss!” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). After reading God’s words, I felt God’s righteous disposition come upon me, especially when I read these words of God: “You are no good; I cannot use you. Go stand off to the side. You like being wily and slacking off, don’t you? You like being lazy, and taking it easy, do you not? Well then, take it easy forevermore!” I felt that my words, actions, and thoughts were all under God’s scrutiny. Although I hadn’t explicitly expressed my reluctance to do the duty of recitation, my attitude toward it had been particularly flippant, not striving to improve, and I had passively waited for the leader to tell me to stop doing it. God requires people to do their duty with all their heart and strength, but He never forces anyone. Since I myself had chosen to avoid my duty, God had treated me according to my choice. As a result, I had lost this duty, and the church had arranged for someone else to train at it, meaning that God gave this opportunity of doing a duty to someone else. It could be argued that I had achieved my wish of being relieved of this duty, but why did I feel unrelieved in my heart? Only then did I realize that by choosing to escape this matter, I had become Satan’s laughingstock, and had fallen into darkness. I thought, “Is this duty really that difficult? Are these problems truly unsolvable?” God says that when people give all their heart and strength, He will open a way to guide them, and help them resolve difficulties. God doesn’t make things difficult for people or give them burdens they cannot bear. As long as one has the basic caliber and conditions to do a duty and strives upward according to God’s requirements, the problems can be resolved. The brothers and sisters had repeatedly fellowshipped the importance of this duty, urging me to put effort into it. However, as soon as I had encountered a problem, I would get mired in the difficulty of it, unwilling to put effort into resolving it, and had even become negative and slacked off, waiting for the leader to relieve me of the duty. I had been so rebellious! Thinking about this, I felt deep regret and remorse.

During a devotional, I read these words of God: “If, when some special difficulties befall you or you encounter some particular environments, your attitude is always to avoid them or to flee from them, to desperately try to reject them and get rid of them—if you do not want to put yourself at the mercy of God’s orchestrations, are unwilling to submit to His orchestrations and arrangements, and do not want to let the truth take charge of you—if you always want to call the shots and to control everything about yourself according to your satanic disposition, then the consequences will be that, sooner or later, God will certainly set you aside or deliver you to Satan. If people understand this matter, they must quickly turn back and follow their road in life according to the correct path that God requires. This path is the right one, and when the path is right, that means that the direction is right. There may be bumps on the road and difficulties during this period, they may stumble or sometimes get a bit disgruntled and become negative for several days. As long as they can persist in performing their duties and not delay things, these problems will all be insignificant, but they must promptly reflect on themselves, seek the truth to resolve these issues, and they absolutely must not procrastinate, throw in the towel, or give up on their duties. This is crucial. … When a duty befalls you, and it is entrusted to you, do not think of how to avoid facing difficulties; if something’s difficult to handle, don’t put it to one side and ignore it. You must face it head-on. You must remember at all times that God is with people, and they need only pray and seek from Him if they have any difficulties, and that with God, nothing is hard. You must have this faith. Since you believe that God is the Sovereign of all things, why do you still feel afraid when something befalls you, and that you have nothing to rely on? This proves that you do not rely on God. If you do not take Him as your support and as your God, then He is not your God” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). When I faced difficulties, I didn’t come before God to seek His intention, but always lived in my own notions and imaginings to delimit myself. Especially when the problems with recitation became numerous and difficult, and I didn’t see good results after working hard for two days, I determined that these problems could not be solved at all, and further effort would be useless. So, even though I practiced, I did it carelessly only to get by, not cooperating sincerely. I thought of Sister Zoe. She started practicing even later than I did and also had quite a few problems, and I even thought she was not as good as I was in some respects. I didn’t think highly of her, but the sister was very serious about her duty, actively faced her inadequacies, and put in the effort to practice. Through continuous practice, she improved quickly, and her recitation results were quite good. Thinking of this, I realized that if I rely on God and put in the effort to practice diligently in the face of difficulties, the problems can be resolved. To the extent to which people cooperate, God will fulfill it. Looking back on these years, I had truly wasted my time. I followed God but did not trust in Him, and in the face of things, I didn’t rely on God or seek His intention, but held on to my own views. As a result, others made progress while I remained stagnant. I was truly foolish!

Later, I continued to reflect. In the past, I faced many difficulties in both my studies and daily life, but I never easily concluded that I was incapable, nor did I give up before even trying. Just like when I once dreamed of becoming a lawyer, achieving both fame and fortune, at that time the pass rate for the national judicial examination was only about 7%, and my academic performance wasn’t that good, but I didn’t back down just because it was difficult. To achieve my dream, I isolated myself for over two months, and studied intensely every day without finding it painful. The thought of gaining fame and fortune and receiving admiration from others motivated me greatly. In the end, I really passed the exam. Thinking again about why I felt unable to solve problems with the recitation duty and always wanted to escape and retreat, it was because I was too selfish. I would do things that were beneficial to myself and avoid things that were not. During a devotional, I read a passage of God’s words and gained some insight into my problem. Almighty God says: “Antichrists have no conscience, reason, or humanity. Not only are they heedless of shame, but they have another hallmark, too: They are uncommonly selfish and vile. The literal sense of their ‘selfishness and vileness’ is not hard to grasp: They are blind to anything but their own interests. Anything concerning their own interests gets their full attention, and they will suffer for it, pay a price, engross themselves in it, and devote themselves to it. Anything not related to their own interests they will turn a blind eye to and take no notice of; others can do as they please—antichrists don’t care if anyone is being disruptive or disturbing, and to them, this has nothing to do with them. Put tactfully, they mind their own business. But it is more accurate to say that this kind of person is vile, base, and sordid; we define them as ‘selfish and vile.’ How does the selfishness and vileness of the antichrists manifest itself? … no matter what duty antichrists are doing, all they think about is whether it will allow them to step into the limelight; as long as it will boost their reputation, they rack their brains to come up with a way to learn how to do it, to carry it out; all they care about is whether it will set them apart. No matter what they do or think, they are only concerned with their own fame, gain, and status. No matter what duty they are doing, they only compete over who is higher or lower, who wins and who loses, who has the bigger reputation. They only care about how many people worship and look up to them, how many people obey them, and how many followers they have. They never fellowship the truth or solve real problems. They never consider how to do things according to principle when doing their duty, nor do they reflect on whether they have been loyal, have fulfilled their responsibilities, whether there have been deviations or oversights in their work, or if any problems exist, much less do they give thought to what God asks, and what God’s intentions are. They pay not the slightest attention to all these things. They only put their head down and do things for the sake of fame, gain, and status, to satisfy their own ambitions and desires. This is the manifestation of selfishness and vileness, is it not? This fully exposes how their hearts brim with their own ambitions, desires, and senseless demands; everything they do is governed by their ambitions and desires. No matter what they do, the motivation and source is their own ambitions, desires, and senseless demands. This is the archetypal manifestation of selfishness and vileness” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Excursus Four: Summarizing the Character of Antichrists and Their Disposition Essence (Part One)). After reading God’s words, I realized that my intentions and starting point in doing things were completely wrong, the same as that of antichrists. Whatever I did was driven by self-interest, and for things that could satisfy my desire for fame and fortune, and gain admiration from others, I would rack my brains and go to great lengths to achieve them, not fearing the suffering. On the contrary, for things that were not beneficial to me, even if they were meaningful and valuable, I was unwilling to do them, let alone put in effort or suffer and pay the price to achieve them. When I took the judicial examination, I had the determination of a “fighting spirit,” because passing the exam would allow me to become a lawyer, gain admiration from others, and earn a lot of money, achieving both fame and fortune. This motivation drove me to endure even the greatest hardships and strive for success. However, my attitude toward the recitation duty was completely different. I felt that doing this duty only involved being revealed, that it wouldn’t bring me fame or recognition and offered no opportunity to showcase my value. So, I was unwilling to suffer or pay the price for this duty, and was even reluctant to do it. Brothers and sisters repeatedly fellowshipped God’s urgent intention, in which God hopes that more people can hear His words and receive His salvation. They urged me to practice quickly so that I could shoulder this duty, but I only considered my own reputation and status. I didn’t listen to the brothers’ and sisters’ advice at all, ignored God’s intention, and turned a blind eye no matter how urgent and important the work was. I was too selfish and despicable! The more I thought about it, the more distressed I became. I came before God and prayed, “God, I have followed You for many years but have not been sincere. In everything I do, I consider my own interests and plan for my flesh, leaving many regrets in my duty. I don’t want to live like this anymore; I want to change. May You scrutinize me!” After praying, I began to reflect on how I had been careless and perfunctory in my current duty, and how I could change this attitude toward doing my duty. After half a day passed, I suddenly received a message. The leader said I would be given another chance to continue practicing recitation. The moment when I read the message, I could hardly believe my eyes. I clearly realized that this was God’s mercy, giving me a chance to repent and rebel against my flesh and practice the truth. My heart was filled with gratitude, and I didn’t know what to say. All my words turned into one phrase—Thank God! At that moment, I remembered these words of God: “God’s disposition is vital and vividly apparent, and He changes His thoughts and attitudes according to the way things develop. The transformation of His attitude toward the Ninevites tells humanity that He has His own thoughts and ideas; He is not a robot or a clay figure, but the living God Himself. He could be angry with the people of Nineveh, just as He could forgive their pasts because of their attitudes. He could decide to bring misfortune upon the Ninevites, and He could also change His decision because of their repentance” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique II). I realized that God was beside me watching my every word and action, and when I was willing to repent, God gave me another chance.

During the subsequent practice, the sisters pointed out some issues. At first, I was able to treat them correctly and actively sought solutions, but when the difficulties became a bit greater, I would fall into despondency again and reveal thoughts of wanting to escape. One time, after I had practiced diligently, a sister said my recitation sounded mechanical and that I had actually regressed instead of improving. I felt very heavy-hearted facing such a comment. I had hoped that my practice would yield better results, but it seemed to be worse instead. I lost all motivation to record, and started to think, “This duty is too difficult; I can’t do it.” At that moment, I saw these words of God: “Currently, bearing testimony to God’s work in the last days and proclaiming God’s words is a significant matter. This is a very important duty, and none of you should underestimate it. Your burden is not light. This is not a small matter, it is not an issue that is only related to personal experiences. This matter has a very wide scope; it relates to the salvation of humankind and the spreading of the kingdom gospel. If you do not understand this matter and do not feel its importance, and still act willfully, throw childish tantrums, or become disgruntled while doing your duty, then this is problematic—you are not fit to undertake this work. The level of your professional skills and your work capability depend on individual caliber and work experience; these are secondary. What is most important is having an upright heart, being able to submit to God, and being willing to pay a price and being loyal in doing your duty” (God’s Fellowship). God’s words reminded me that the duty I was doing was not a simple task. It involved spreading God’s words and testifying to God’s work in the last days, and could not be treated lightly according to my own will. Thinking of this, I felt brightened and energized. From God’s words, I also found the way to practice. Skills and caliber are secondary; the most important thing is that one needs to have a right heart, be loyal, and be able to keep to their duty—this is what God wants to see. I quieted myself and prayed to God, “God, I do not want to do my duty with my own corrupt disposition. I need to put in effort and pay the price for this duty, living up to the opportunity You have given me to shoulder the duty. Please guide me.” After praying, I pondered how to address the issues raised by the sister. I realized that the principle of recitation is to be quiet in God’s words, to read, ponder, and understand the meaning of God’s words with sincerity, and to recite based on this foundation, rather than mechanically reading the text. So I calmed my mind and read God’s words, understanding them in light of my own state. After reciting this way, the sister said the effect was much better. I realized this was God’s guidance and felt very happy. After practicing for a period of time, I found ways to improve the results of my recitation, and the issues with my recitation improved somewhat. Thank God for giving me such an experience!