By Xiao Li, China

In February 2023, I was chosen as a church leader, primarily responsible for watering work. At first, I could also take care of some work that the sister I worked with was responsible for. Later, the results of the watering work seriously declined, and I became a bit anxious. I thought, “I am responsible for the watering work. The poor results are directly related to me. Will the upper leaders think that I lack the work capability, can’t do anything well, and am unable to undertake the work?” To prevent the leaders from looking down on me, I devoted all my thoughts and energy to the watering work, and didn’t involve myself much in the work the sister was responsible for. I also realized that by acting this way, I was working independently, without harmonious cooperation. But when I thought that I was mainly responsible for the watering work, and how poor results would affect my reputation and status, I stopped caring about anything else.

One day, I suddenly received a letter from the upper leaders, asking me to come to a gathering the next day. I felt anxious, thinking, “This is bad. The leaders will surely ask me about various church works. This month, aside from following up on the watering work, I haven’t looked into any other work at all. I have no clue about what issues there are in the various tasks or how they are progressing. If the leaders ask questions and I can’t give any answer, what will they think of me? Will they think that I lack a sense of burden in my duties and form a bad impression of me? If they find out that I only followed up on my own watering work and ignored other tasks, they will surely say I am extremely selfish and despicable, and that I only care about my personal interests and not the overall work of the church, and that I only pursue reputation and status. If they end up pruning me or dismissing me, how embarrassing would that be?” I thought that at the gathering the next day, the leaders would surely start by asking about the gospel work, so I quickly went to the sister I worked with to find out about the progress of the gospel work so I wouldn’t be completely clueless when the leaders asked about it the next day. But there were many details involved in the gospel work, and they couldn’t be explained clearly in just a few words, and with the time being so tight, I didn’t learn much. I felt anxious, and I lay in bed unable to sleep for a long time, my mind filled with thoughts about the gathering the next day. On the day of the gathering, I arrived early and I was pleased to find out that the leaders hadn’t arrived yet due to other matters, and I thought that I could use this time to look into the reports from each group to understand how each task was going and figure out where the problems might be, so that I could answer some of the questions the leaders might ask. So I quickly skimmed through the work reports from each group, and although I got a rough idea of how the work was going, there were still many details I didn’t grasp. I also thought that at the gathering, the leaders would not just ask about the work, but that they’d also be sure to inquire about our recent experiences and gains, and the knowledge we had gained of ourselves. I was already unable to speak much about the work details, and if I couldn’t talk about my life entry properly or fellowship anything, the leaders would surely think I had done poorly in both work and life entry, and say something like: “You can’t do anything well; how can a person like you be a church leader?” and look down on me. So, I quickly read God’s words and mulled over my state, seeking out passages to eat and drink to resolve my corrupt disposition, fearing that when the time came, if I couldn’t fellowship well, the leaders would see right through me. But I just couldn’t calm my heart, or focus on God’s words. The more I tried to reflect on and know myself, the more muddled my mind became, and I couldn’t sense the enlightenment or guidance of the Holy Spirit. I realized that my state was wrong. Wasn’t I being deceitful? I then calmed myself and prayed to God, “God, my state is terrible. I feel anxious and uneasy, and my thoughts are really unclear. I know I am in the wrong state. I want to quiet my heart before You, seek Your intention, and come out of this wrong state.”

At that moment, I recalled some of God’s words: “Are your goals and intentions made with Me in mind? Are all your words and actions said and done in My presence? I examine all of your thoughts and ideas. Do you not feel guilty? You put on a false front for others to see and you calmly assume an air of self-righteousness; you do this to shield yourself. You do this to conceal your evil, and you even think up ways to push that evil onto someone else. What deceitfulness dwells in your heart!” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Utterances of Christ in the Beginning, Chapter 13). Later, I also read these words of God: “Antichrists are especially treacherous and cunning. Everything they say is tightly considered; no one is more adept at putting on a pretense. But once the cat is out of the bag, once people have seen them for what they really are, they do their utmost to argue for themselves, and they think of ways to remedy the situation and bluff their way through as a means to salvage their image and reputation. Antichrists live each day only for reputation and status, they live only to revel in the benefits of status, this is all they think about. Even when they do occasionally suffer some minor hardship or pay some trivial price, this is for the sake of obtaining status and reputation. Pursuing status, holding power, and having an easy life are major things that antichrists always scheme for once they believe in God, and they don’t give up until they achieve their goals. If their evil deeds are ever exposed, they panic, as if the sky is about to fall on them. They can’t eat or sleep, and they seem to be in a trance, as if they are suffering from depression. When people ask them what was wrong, they make up lies and say, ‘Yesterday I was so busy that I didn’t sleep all night, so I’m very tired.’ But actually, none of this is true, it is all deception. They feel this way because they are constantly pondering, ‘The bad things I did have been exposed, so how can I restore my reputation and status? What means can I use to redeem myself? What tone can I use with everyone to explain this? What can I say to keep people from seeing through me?’ For a long time, they can’t figure out what to do, and so they are depressed. Sometimes their eyes stare blankly at a single spot, and no one knows what they are looking at. The issue makes them rack their brains, exhaust every train of thought, and not want to eat or drink. Despite this, they still put on the appearance of caring about church work, and ask people, ‘How is the gospel work going? How effectively is it being preached? Have the brothers and sisters gained any life entry recently? Has anyone been causing any disruptions or disturbances?’ These inquiries of theirs about the church’s work are meant as a show for others. If they did learn of problems, they would have no way to resolve them, so their questions are a mere formality that others are liable to see as care for the church’s work” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Two)). The judgment of God’s words distressed and upset me. I saw just how deceitful I was. I had been really selfish in my duty, focused solely on my own work for the sake of reputation and status, while hardly ever inquiring about other work. I didn’t do any actual work at all. I knew that my actions were not in line with God’s intentions, and that I wasn’t being a team player, but I didn’t seek the truth principles to resolve these issues. Additionally, I knew that I usually didn’t pay much attention to my life entry, nor could I fellowship much actual experiential knowledge. When the leaders hadn’t asked me to a gathering, I didn’t think much of it, feeling that even if I did have problems, the leaders wouldn’t know, so I wasn’t in a hurry to resolve them. But as soon as I heard that the leaders were going to ask me to a gathering, I immediately became nervous, fearing that my problems would be exposed at the gathering, and that once the leaders found out about these, they would surely think I lacked a sense of burden in my duties, didn’t do actual work, and that my caliber and life entry were poor. Since I had just started my duty as a leader, and the upper leaders weren’t too familiar with me, if I left a bad impression on them at our first meeting, they would surely not value me in the future and might even dismiss me. To protect my reputation and status, I tried every possible way to cover up my issues. Before the gathering, I hurried to find the sister I worked with to look into the details of the work, and I also wanted to disguise myself and deceive the leaders by skimming the reports in advance to acquaint myself with the work. I wanted to create a false impression that I had strong work capabilities and paid close attention to my life entry, so that others would give me a good evaluation. I already lacked a sense of burden for my duty and did not pursue the truth, yet I was also in constant fear of others seeing through me, so I constructed a false image and disguised myself. Wasn’t this blatant and shameless deception? I saw that I was truly deceitful. I was acting just like an antichrist. Antichrists are particularly cunning, and use everything at their disposal to protect their reputation and status when they see them being harmed. Wasn’t this what I was doing? When things didn’t encroach on my reputation or status, I ignored other church work and didn’t pay any attention to my life entry. But once something touched on my status and reputation, I became frantic, reading God’s words and trying to understand the work, appearing as if I were diligent in my pursuit. I was truly cunning and deceitful. Wasn’t the disposition I revealed that of an antichrist?

Later, I read these words of God: “You must walk the correct path as you believe in God and conduct yourselves, and do not engage in crooked and evil ways. What are crooked and evil ways? Believers in God always want to rely on little schemes, on deceptive and crafty games, and on playing tricks, to cover up their own corruption, their defects and faults, and problems like their own poor caliber; they always deal with matters according to satanic philosophies, which they think isn’t too bad. On surface-level matters, they fawn over God and their leaders, but they do not practice the truth, nor do they act according to principles. They carefully weigh the words and expressions of others, always pondering: ‘How has my performance been recently? Does everyone support me? Does God know about all the good things I have done? If He knows, will He praise me? What is my position in God’s heart? Am I important there?’ The implication is, as someone who believes in God, will they obtain blessings, or will they be eliminated? Is always pondering these matters not a crooked and evil way? This is indeed a crooked and evil way, not the right way. So then what is the right way? (To pursue the truth and a change of disposition.) That’s right. For those who believe in God, the only right way is to pursue the truth, obtain the truth, and achieve a change of disposition. Only the way in which God leads people to attain salvation is the true way, the right way” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Six Indicators of Life Growth). After reading God’s words, I felt thoroughly judged. I saw that I was always trying to use tricks to cover up my problems in my duties. This was a crooked and evil way of doing things and I wasn’t walking the right path. Actually, it was perfectly normal for the leaders to invite me to a gathering to look into the work. I should just say how I usually acted. If they point out how I am deficient or falling short in some areas, I should make up for these things in my future duties, and even if I am pruned, it will help me reflect and enter in so that I can do my duty better. However, I resorted to deceit, and did whatever I could to cover up my problems and bluff past and deceive the leaders. I was unwilling to let them see my corruption and deficiencies. Wasn’t I engaging in crooked and evil practices by doing this? When a person who truly pursues the truth realizes they are being selfish and despicable and are only concerned about their own tasks in their duty, they are able to promptly seek the truth to resolve their states. When the leaders inquire about their work, they can face this calmly and correct their deviations. Moreover, people who genuinely focus on life entry should pay attention to their thoughts and ideas in daily life, and seek the truth to resolve them in a timely manner, instead of just equipping themselves with God’s words when a gathering with the leaders is imminent. But I tried to create a façade to deceive the leaders. I was engaging in deceit and trickery by doing so. Wasn’t I trying to deceive God and curry favor with the leaders? I saw that I wasn’t a person who practices or pursues the truth at all.

Later, I also reflected why I could brazenly deceive, and couldn’t accept God’s scrutiny. Many times, I also knew that I should be honest and live before God, accepting God’s scrutiny, yet when faced with situations, I still involuntarily resorted to deceit. Why is that? Later, I read these words of God: “Isn’t life exhausting for deceitful people? They spend all their time telling lies, then telling more lies to cover them up, and engaging in trickery. They bring this exhaustion upon themselves. They know that living like this is exhausting—so why would they still want to be deceitful, and not wish to be honest? Have you ever thought about this question? This is a consequence of people being fooled by their satanic natures; it stops them from ridding themselves of this kind of life, this kind of disposition. People are willing to accept being fooled like this and to live in this; they do not want to practice the truth and walk the path of light. You think that living like this is exhausting and that acting this way is unnecessary—but deceitful people think it absolutely necessary. They think that to not do so would cause them humiliation, that it would harm their image, their reputation, and their interests, too, and that they would lose too much. They treasure these things, they treasure their own image, their own reputation and status. This is the true face of people who do not love the truth. In short, when people are unwilling to be honest or practice the truth, it is because they do not love the truth. In their hearts, they treasure things like reputation and status, they like to follow worldly trends, and live under the power of Satan. This is a problem of their nature. There are people, now, who have believed in God for years, who have heard many sermons, and know what believing in God is all about. But they still do not practice the truth, and have not changed one bit—why is this? It’s because they do not love the truth. Even if they do understand a little of the truth, they are still not able to practice it. For such people, no matter how many years they believe in God, it will be for naught” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Most Fundamental Practice of Being an Honest Person). Through the exposure of God’s words, I came to understand that my unwillingness to be an honest person stemmed from my nature, which did not love the truth and cherished reputation and status too much. Even though I knew that it was exhausting to live deceitfully, when I thought about how being an honest person could damage my reputation and status, I felt unwilling to practice the truth, and was involuntarily fooled and harmed by Satan. During this period, I didn’t do any real work or focus on life entry. When the leaders invited me to a gathering, I should have been an honest person and faced it calmly, owned up to the fact that I was not doing real work, and accepted the leaders’ guidance and help. But I feared that doing so would make the leaders think I lacked a sense of burden for my duties, giving them a bad impression of me and leading them not to value me, or even replace me. Thinking about these things, I lost the courage to be an honest person, as I felt that being honest would bring too many losses upon me. I didn’t practice the truth or conduct myself as an honest person, and I was constantly trying to protect my reputation and status, living by the satanic poisons like “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,” and “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies.” These poisons had become deeply rooted in my heart, becoming my law of survival. To avoid leaving a bad impression on the leaders, I created a façade to disguise myself. I knew that I was being perfunctory and deceitful with the leaders, and I felt uneasy, but to avoid losing face, I still couldn’t help but resort to deceit. These satanic poisons were like shackles, tightly binding me, making it hard for me to break free. Even though I was well aware of the truth, I couldn’t put it into practice. I saw that I often practiced deceit in my duties for the sake of reputation and status. Sometimes when the upper leadership inquired about the work, even when I hadn’t done certain tasks, I’d lie that I had done them to maintain a good image in their hearts, and then scramble to make up for it. Other times, when I didn’t grasp the details of the work, I would quickly change the topic when the leaders asked, talking about plans to come in order to cover up my not doing actual work. I saw that even though I had believed in God for many years and eaten and drunk a lot of His words, I still valued reputation and status above all else. Though I knew that pursuing these things disgusted God, I still couldn’t help but pursue them. In my nature I truly have no love for the truth and I am averse to the truth. I also realized that to practice the truth and be an honest person, one must forsake their interests and abandon the pursuit of reputation and status. Living by relying on a deceitful disposition means one can’t live openly or with integrity, and that a person ultimately loses their dignity and integrity, and ends up being loathed and disgusted by God. Realizing this, I truly despised myself, and I didn’t want to live for reputation or status anymore.

Later, I read these words of God: “Today, most people are too afraid to bring their actions before God; while you may deceive His flesh, you cannot deceive His Spirit. Any matter that cannot withstand God’s scrutiny is at odds with the truth, and should be cast aside; to do otherwise is to commit a sin against God. So, you must lay your heart before God at all times, when you pray, when you speak and fellowship with your brothers and sisters, and when you perform your duty and go about your business. When you fulfill your function, God is with you, and so long as your intent is correct and is for the work of God’s house, He will accept all that you do; you should sincerely devote yourself to fulfilling your function” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. God Perfects Those Who Accord With His Intentions). From God’s words, I understood that those who believe in God should accept God’s scrutiny and live before Him. But in my faith and in my duty, I had been unable to accept God’s scrutiny. I always wanted to rely on human means to hoodwink and deceive the leaders, and I thought that as long as people didn’t find out about my problems, everything would be fine, as if deceiving people meant that God wouldn’t know, and that by doing this I’d be able to protect both my status and duties. Was I not trying to deceive both myself and others? It may have seemed like I was just trying to deceive the leaders, but in essence, I was trying to deceive God, and there was no place for God at all in my heart. The truth is, God scrutinizes everything. He scrutinizes my every thought, idea, and action, and while I brazenly tried to deceive God and people and engaged in secretly underhanded activities, God saw it all clearly. God knew how I did my duties and whether I pursued the truth. If I’d had a place for God in my heart, I would have focused on living before God and accepting His scrutiny in all things. Wherever my work fell short, I should have corrected it immediately and faced my deficiencies honestly. But in doing my duties as I’d done them, neglecting various aspects of work and constantly trying to cover up with tricks, what good was people’s good opinion of me? The issues in my duties remained unresolved, and my deceitful disposition remained unchanged. This disgusted and displeased God. Wasn’t this an enormous loss and utter foolishness? I wasn’t doing real work in my duties, my life entry was poor, and I revealed many corrupt dispositions. I should have focused on repenting to God and on how to do my duties well. This should have been the attitude I had!

Later on, I began to seek how to act in line with God’s intentions. I read these words of God: “You must seek the truth to resolve any problem that arises, no matter what it is, and by no means disguise yourself or put on a false face for others. Your shortcomings, your deficiencies, your faults, your corrupt dispositions—be completely open about them all, and fellowship about them all. Do not keep them inside. Learning how to open yourself up is the first step toward life entry, and it is the first hurdle, which is the most difficult to overcome. Once you have overcome it, entering the truth is easy. What does taking this step signify? It means that you are opening your heart and showing everything you have, good or bad, positive or negative; baring yourself for others and for God to see; hiding nothing from God, concealing nothing, disguising nothing, free of deceit and trickery, and being likewise open and honest with other people. In this way, you live in the light, and not only will God scrutinize you, but other people will also be able to see that you act with principle and a degree of transparency. You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts. If you can let these things go, you will be very relaxed, you will live without constraints or pain, and you will live entirely in the light” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). God’s words provided me with a path of practice. No matter what problems arise, one needs to seek the truth to resolve them. To enter the truth, the first step is to open up, and no matter what corrupt disposition is revealed, one must lay themselves bare and be an honest person before God and other people. A person should not conceal anything to maintain their reputation or status. They must speak the truth, without deceit or trickery. Only by doing so can they live freely and meet with God’s approval. I also realized that living in a satanic corrupt disposition, always caring about others’ opinions, and constantly lying and deceiving made life exhausting and undignified. I no longer wanted to live for the sake of fame, gains, and status. I became willing to accept God’s scrutiny and live before Him. Regardless of others’ views or opinions of me, I just wanted to do my duties to satisfy God. With this in mind, my heart was filled with a great sense of ease, and I no longer worried about the upper leadership looking into my work, nor did I want to try to deceive God or other people anymore.

On the day of the gathering, the leaders arrived late and asked how I had followed up on the gospel work. My heart pounded, and I still felt a bit anxious, fearing that the leaders would think poorly of me if they knew the facts of the situation. Then I remembered these words of God: “You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). My heart was filled with a great sense of ease, and I no longer wanted to do things for the sake of reputation or status. So I spoke honestly and openly to the leaders. I admitted that I had been selfish and despicable, and that I had been failing to follow up on the overall work, and that even though I hadn’t followed up on the work, I’d still tried to deceive others. Having heard what I said, the leaders didn’t prune me. Instead, they fellowshipped with me on how to cooperate harmoniously to do the church work well. Hearing their fellowship, my heart brightened and I gained a path of practice. When they asked about my state later on, I also openly fellowshipped that I had been working for reputation and status, living in a selfish and despicable state, but that I was willing to seek the truth to make amends. After saying that, I felt steady and at ease in my heart. I have realized that when my thoughts are focused on what people think of me and on my status in their hearts, I cannot help but be fooled by Satan, resort to deceit and trickery, and live my life in a painful and exhausting way. But when I don’t consider people’s opinions and only want to act according to God’s words and be an honest person, my state keeps improving, I feel that I am living before God, and my heart feels truly liberated.