By Ding Xin, China

I was born into an ordinary farming family. Because I was introverted and didn’t like to talk, since childhood, my family and relatives often said I was inarticulate and not as likable as my sister. While working outside, I was not good at interacting with people or pleasing my superiors, so the dirty and tiring work was basically always assigned to me, and my colleagues often mocked me for being slow-witted and not knowing how to adapt to situations. In my heart, I accepted the assessment that I was slow-witted and not sharp, and that I was not good at interacting with people, and so I became even more withdrawn. I often felt sad about my clumsiness in speaking; especially when I saw people who were articulate and quick-witted, I envied them, thinking that such people would be liked wherever they went. After believing in God, I was also very reserved when I first started attending gatherings, worried that my clumsy fellowship would make me a laughingstock among the brothers and sisters, but the brothers and sisters often encouraged me to fellowship more. I saw that the brothers and sisters would simply and openly share their states and problems, and no one would belittle or look down on those who lacked something. This made me feel very liberated. Gradually, I started talking more and more. I really liked this kind of church life.

In February 2023, I became a watering deacon. The sister I was watering, Ruijing, had good caliber. A few times I attended gatherings with her, and I saw that her fellowship was very clear, and her insight into problems was no worse than mine, so when I attended gatherings with Ruijing again, I felt somewhat constrained, thinking that her mind was sharper and her caliber better than mine. I felt that trying to water her was beyond my capability, so whenever she had any bad states, I would just talk to her about it briefly and then change the subject, worried that my shallow fellowship would make her look down on me. Once, I learned that Ruijing had a serious arrogant disposition and tended to constrain people with her words, so I wanted to point out this issue to her. But thinking that she had good caliber, was articulate, and was effective in her duty, a bit of arrogance seemed normal. Besides, my caliber was poor, and my ability to express myself was not good. If I couldn’t fellowship clearly with her and solve her problems, I would be ridiculed by her. So, I just briefly mentioned her arrogance and moved on. Another time, during a gathering, Ruijing talked about her family opposing her belief in God, and that she was somewhat constrained by this. I had had similar experiences and thought I could fellowship with her about it, but as soon as I said a few words, Ruijing said that she was not impacted by her family affections. But the truth was, her emotional constraints were already affecting her duty, and I knew I needed to fellowship with her about it as soon as possible. But hearing her say this, I didn’t dare continue the fellowship, I thought, “If I keep fellowshipping, will Ruijing think I’m nagging her and unable to see through things? Better not embarrass myself anymore, Ruijing has good caliber and doesn’t need me to fellowship with her. She can seek the truth and solve this herself.” So, I didn’t continue fellowshipping. But afterward, Ruijing’s state didn’t improve, and her duty was affected.

After that, every time Ruijing was present at a gathering, I felt very constrained, worried that my poor fellowship would make her look down on me. I felt very tormented and negative, because I couldn’t fellowship what I should, and that I couldn’t fulfill my responsibilities. I felt like I was living a pathetic life. I kept asking myself, “Why am I living so wearily?” I was even blaming God for not giving me good caliber, wanting to escape this situation and change my duty. I knew my state was not good, so I prayed to God, “God, I am very constrained in my duty now, I feel very tired and bitter, and I don’t know how to resolve this state. May You enlighten and guide me to know myself and come out of this wrong state.” After praying, I looked for relevant words of God to read. Almighty God says: “There are some people who, as children, were ordinary-looking, inarticulate, and not very quick-witted, causing others in their families and social environments to give rather unfavorable appraisals of them, saying things like: ‘This kid is dull-witted, slow, and a clumsy speaker. Look at other people’s children, who are so well-spoken that they can wrap people around their little finger. Whereas this kid just pouts all day long. He doesn’t know what to say when meeting people, doesn’t know how to explain or justify himself after doing something wrong, and can’t amuse people. This kid is an idiot.’ The parents say this, relatives and friends say this, and their teachers also say this. This environment exerts a certain, invisible pressure on such individuals. Through experiencing these environments, they unconsciously develop a certain kind of mindset. What kind of mindset? They think that they are not good-looking, not very likable, and that others are never happy to see them. They believe that they are not good at studying, are slow, and always feel embarrassed to open their mouths and speak in front of others. They are too embarrassed to say thank you when people give them something, thinking to themselves, ‘Why am I always so tongue-tied? Why are other people such smooth talkers? I’m just stupid!’ Subconsciously, they think they are worthless, but still are unwilling to acknowledge being that worthless, being that stupid. In their hearts they always ask themselves, ‘Am I really that stupid? Am I really that unpleasant?’ Their parents do not like them, and neither do their brothers and sisters, their teachers or their classmates. And occasionally their family members, their relatives and friends say of them, ‘He is short, his eyes and nose are small, and with looks like that, he will not be successful when he grows up.’ So, when they look in the mirror, they see that their eyes are indeed small. In this situation, the resistance, dissatisfaction, unwillingness, and unacceptance in the depths of their heart turn gradually to acceptance and acknowledgment of their own shortcomings, deficiencies, and issues. Although they can accept this reality, a persistent emotion arises in the depths of their heart. What is this emotion called? It is inferiority. People who feel inferior do not know what their strengths are. They just think that they are unlikable, always feel stupid, and do not know how to deal with things. In short, they feel they cannot do anything, are unattractive, are not clever, and have slow reactions. They are unremarkable compared to others and do not get good grades in their studies. After growing up in such an environment, this mindset of inferiority gradually takes over. It turns into a kind of lingering emotion that becomes tangled with your heart and fills your mind. Regardless of whether you are already grown, have gone out into the world, are married and established in your career, and regardless of your social status, this feeling of inferiority that was planted in your environment growing up is impossible to get rid of. Even after you start believing in God and join the church, you still think that you have average looks, have poor intellectual caliber, are inarticulate, and cannot do anything. You think, ‘I’ll just do what I can. I don’t need to aspire to be a leader, I don’t need to pursue profound truths, I’ll just be content with being the least significant one, and let others treat me however they like.’ … This feeling of inferiority is perhaps not inborn in you, but on another level, because of your family environment and the environment you grew up in, you were subjected to moderate blows or improper judgments, and this caused the feeling of inferiority to arise in you” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). From God’s words, I understood that the reason I often lived in repression and despondency was mainly because I lived in negative feelings of inferiority. Since childhood, I had not been good at talking; whether at home or when working outside, my relatives and colleagues all said I was inarticulate and unable to please people, so I felt that I was clumsy in speech, not sharp-minded, and inferior to others in every way. Gradually, I felt more and more inferior. After believing in God, it was the same. Especially when I saw brothers and sisters who were better than me, I felt inferior, often living in negative emotions. When interacting with Ruijing, I saw that Ruijing was quick-witted and eloquent, and I felt that my ability to express myself and my caliber were inferior to hers, so when gathering with her, I felt constrained and unable to feel liberated. Even when I saw her in a bad state, I didn’t dare to fellowship with her. I was always living in negative feelings of inferiority. I was well aware that in God’s house there is no distinction between high and low, yet I couldn’t help but look up to people with gifts and good caliber, and I was unable to correctly view my own shortcomings. This often constrained me in my duty, preventing me from gaining the Holy Spirit’s work and guidance. I knew it was dangerous to continue this way and wanted to quickly reverse this state.

I read more of God’s words: “No matter what happens to them, when cowardly people meet with some difficulty, they shrink back. Why do they do this? One reason is that this is caused by their feeling of inferiority. Because they feel inferior, they do not dare to go before people, they cannot even take on the obligations and responsibilities they ought to take on, nor can they take on what they are actually capable of achieving within the scope of their own ability and caliber, and within the scope of the experience of their own humanity. This feeling of inferiority affects every aspect of their humanity, it affects their personality and, of course, it also affects their character. … Your heart is filled with this feeling of inferiority and this feeling has been around for a long time, it is not some temporary feeling. Rather, it tightly controls your thoughts from deep inside your soul, it tightly seals your lips, and so regardless of how correctly you understand things, or what views and opinions you have toward people, events and things, you dare only to think and turn things over in your own heart, never daring to speak out loud. Whether other people might approve of what you say, or correct and criticize you, you will not dare to face or see such an outcome. Why is this? It is because your feeling of inferiority is inside you, telling you, ‘Don’t do that, you’re just not up to it. You don’t have that kind of caliber, you don’t have that kind of reality, you shouldn’t do that, that’s just not you. Don’t do anything or think anything now. You’ll only be the real you by living in inferiority. You’re not qualified to pursue the truth or to open up your heart and say what you want and connect with others like other people do. And it’s because you’re no good, you’re not as good as they are.’ This feeling of inferiority guides people’s thinking inside their minds; it inhibits them from fulfilling the obligations a normal person should perform and from living the life of normal humanity they should be living, while it also directs the ways and means, and the direction and goals of how they regard people and things, how they comport themselves and act” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). From God’s words, I saw that when people live in feelings of inferiority, their views on people and things, as well as their comportment and actions, are not based on God’s words, they fail to fulfill their responsibilities, and their inherent caliber cannot be utilized. Continuing this way not only hinders their own life entry, but in serious cases, it can also impact their duty and hinder the church’s work. Thinking back, I accepted external evaluations of me since childhood, and lived in feelings of inferiority. I always felt inferior to others, not daring to point out or discuss problems when I saw them. When interacting with Ruijing, I saw her serious arrogant disposition, and that her words and actions constrained the brothers and sisters, so I should have fellowshipped with her and pointed this out, but I felt that my caliber was not as good as hers, which made me hesitant to fellowship with her as I felt it was presumptuous. I saw her performance of her duty was being affected by her affections, and though I had some experience in this area, I felt that my caliber was poor, so I didn’t dare to fellowship. I saw that I was completely controlled by feelings of inferiority, my mouth felt sealed, unable to say what needed to be said. I looked on as Ruijing lived in a corrupt disposition and didn’t dare to fellowship with her, unable to fulfill my duty to protect the church’s work. I lived in a tormented and negative state, unable to gain any release. This was really harmful to both others and myself! I read God’s words: “This emotion of yours is not only negative, to be more accurate, it is actually in opposition to God and the truth. You might think that this is an emotion within normal humanity, but in God’s eyes, this is not just a simple matter of emotion, but a method of opposition to God. It is a method marked by negative emotions that people use to resist God, God’s words and the truth” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). Reflecting on my journey so far, as I’d often lived in feelings of inferiority, I’d known the truth but not practiced it, even blaming God for not giving me good caliber. I’d been negative and passive in my duty, and even wanted to give up on it. These behaviors were a form of passive resistance against God. I felt that I was in great danger, and became willing to rely on God to let go of my negative emotions and find a path of practice and entry.

Later, I read more of God’s words: “So, how can you accurately evaluate and know yourself, and break away from the feeling of inferiority? You should take God’s words as the basis for gaining knowledge of yourself, learning what your humanity, caliber, and talent are like, and what strengths you have. For example, suppose that you used to like singing and did it well, but some people kept criticizing you and belittling you, saying that you were tone-deaf and that your singing was out of tune, so now you feel that you cannot sing well and no longer dare to do it in front of others. Because those worldly folks, those muddleheaded people and mediocre people, made inaccurate evaluations and judgments about you, the rights that your humanity deserves were curtailed, and your talent was stifled. As a result, you do not dare to even sing a song, and you are only brave enough to let go and sing out loud when no one is around or you are just by yourself. Because you ordinarily feel so horribly repressed, when you are not alone you dare not sing a song; you dare to sing only when you are alone, enjoying the time when you can sing out loud and clear, and what a wonderful, liberating time that is! Is that not so? Because of the harm that people have done to you, you do not know or cannot see clearly what it is that you can actually do, what you are good at, and what you are not good at. In this kind of situation, you must make a correct evaluation and take the correct measure of yourself according to God’s words. You should establish what you have learned and where your strengths lie, and go out and do whatever it is that you can do; as for those things which you cannot do, your shortcomings and deficiencies, you should reflect on and know them, and you should also accurately evaluate and know what your caliber is like, and whether it is good or bad” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). After reading God’s words, I understood that to get rid of negative feelings of inferiority, I must first evaluate and measure myself correctly based on God’s words. God’s words are the truth, and using them to measure people, events, and things is the most accurate. Previously, I had measured myself based on nonbelievers’ evaluations of me, which led me to live in dark and despondent emotions, unable to extricate myself. Now I needed to seek the truth and correctly view myself based on God’s words. So I asked myself, “I always feel that my caliber is poor. Then, what is God’s standard for evaluating poor and good caliber?” I read God’s words: “How do we measure people’s caliber? The appropriate way to do this is by looking at their attitude toward the truth and whether or not they can comprehend the truth. Some people can learn some specializations very quickly, but when they hear the truth, they become confused and they doze off. In their hearts, they become muddled, nothing they hear goes in, nor do they understand what they are hearing—that is what poor caliber is. With some people, when you tell them they are of poor caliber, they disagree. They think that being highly educated and knowledgeable means they are of good caliber. Does a good education demonstrate high caliber? It does not. How should people’s caliber be measured? It should be measured based on the degree to which they comprehend God’s words and the truth. This is the most accurate way of doing it. Some people are silver-tongued, quick-witted, and especially skilled at handling other people—but when they listen to sermons, they are never able to understand anything, and when they read God’s words, they do not comprehend them. When they talk about their experiential testimony, they always speak words and doctrines, revealing themselves to be mere amateurs, and giving others the sense that they have no spiritual understanding. These are people of poor caliber” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. To Fulfill One’s Duty Well, Understanding the Truth Is Most Crucial). God’s words tell us that the standard for measuring the caliber of a person is based on how well a person comprehends God’s words. Some people may appear to have many gifts, be quick-witted, and have good speaking skills, but if they cannot comprehend God’s words or understand the truth fellowshipped by God, then such people are of poor caliber. While some people may have average education and no particularly good speaking skills, if they can understand God’s intentions from His words and find the principles of practice, then these people are of good caliber. Take Paul, for example. Although he had gifts, knowledge, eloquence, and he spread the gospel across most of Europe, he did not understand God’s words when he heard them, and in the end, he did not know the Lord Jesus, and never acknowledged his essence of resistance to Jesus. His diligent work was for the sake of gaining a crown and rewards, and he even arrogantly claimed that, to him, to live was christ. This showed that Paul could not truly comprehend God’s words or understand the truth. Paul was a person of poor caliber. In contrast, Peter was able to fathom God’s intentions from His words and find a path of practice. He could accurately practice according to God’s requirements, and he bore the testimony of submitting to God unto death and loving God to the utmost. Thus, Peter was a person of good caliber. Reflecting on myself, I did not view people or things according to God’s words. I always considered good speaking skills and quick wit as the standard for good caliber, and when I did not possess these inherent conditions, I lived in feelings of inferiority and negativity, and became passive and slacked off in my duty. This not only hindered my own life entry but also caused losses to the church’s work. Reflecting further, although my speaking skills were not very good, I could understand some of God’s words when reading them and resolve some issues through fellowshipping the truth, and brothers and sisters evaluated my caliber as average. I needed to correctly view myself based on God’s words and the evaluations of brothers and sisters, and not pass verdict on myself based on notions. Realizing this, I felt much relief in my heart. Later, I met with Ruijing, pointed out the issues she had one by one, and fellowshipped with her using relevant words of God. Ruijing was able to accept the pointers and help, and was willing to seek the truth, repent, and change. After practicing in this way, I felt very at ease and at peace.

Later, I reflected again, asking myself what other corrupt disposition might be behind my persistent feelings of inferiority? One day, I read God’s words: “Antichrists’ cherishment of their reputation and status goes beyond that of normal people, and is something within their disposition essence; it is not a temporary interest, or the transient effect of their surroundings—it is something within their life, their bones, and so it is their essence. This is to say that in everything antichrists do, their first consideration is their own reputation and status, nothing else. For antichrists, reputation and status are their life, and their lifelong goal. In all they do, their first consideration is: ‘What will happen to my status? And to my reputation? Will doing this give me a good reputation? Will it elevate my status in people’s minds?’ That is the first thing they think about, which is ample proof that they have the disposition and essence of antichrists; they would not consider these problems otherwise. It can be said that for antichrists, reputation and status are not some additional requirement, much less something extraneous that they could do without. They are part of the nature of antichrists, they are in their bones, in their blood, they are innate to them. Antichrists are not indifferent toward whether they possess reputation and status; this is not their attitude. Then, what is their attitude? Reputation and status are intimately connected to their daily lives, to their daily state, to what they pursue on a daily basis” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). From God’s words, I saw that antichrists particularly cherish reputation and status, and that they view reputation and status as important as life itself. I realized my behavior had been the same as that of antichrists. My thoughts and considerations are not for pursuing the truth, but rather always concerned about my reputation and status, worrying about gains and losses. Since childhood, I had cared deeply about others’ opinions of me, and when my relatives, friends, and colleagues said I spoke clumsily, I spoke with others less and closed myself off so I could at least reduce the damage to my self-esteem. After believing in God, although I knew that brothers and sisters were open and honest with each other, and that our shortcomings could be openly revealed without anyone ridiculing anyone else, my concern for reputation and status was too heavy, and in gatherings with people who had better caliber and speaking skills, I worried that brothers and sisters might look down on me for being clumsy in speech, so I tried to speak as little as possible to cover up my shortcomings and maintain my reputation and status. As a watering deacon, it was my responsibility to resolve everyone’s issues relating to duties and life entry, but I worried that my speech might be seen as trivial and verbose, leading brothers and sisters to look down on me, so I preferred to cast aside my duty to protect my own pride and status. The satanic poisons of “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies,” and “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,” became rules I lived by. I placed pride and status above everything else, even neglecting my most basic responsibilities. I had been so selfish and despicable. In what way had I been doing my duty? I was walking the path of an antichrist. If I continued like this without repenting, not only would I fail to receive the Holy Spirit’s work, but I would also be eliminated by God. From then on, I became willing to repent to God and free myself from the bondage of these negative emotions.

During a gathering with newcomers, I saw Sister Yiyi fellowshipping God’s words clearly, with fluent expression. Brothers and sisters all nodded in agreement at what she said, and I felt a sense of inferiority again. I thought to myself, “Look how good Yiyi is at expressing herself and how enlightening her fellowship is. I’m so bad at expressing myself, will the brothers and sisters ridicule me for having believed in God for such a long time but still not being as enlightening in fellowship as a newcomer?” So I hesitated to fellowship. When I had these thoughts, I realized I was trapped in concerns about reputation and status again, so I prayed to God, asking Him to guide me in casting off this wrong state. I read a passage of God’s words: “When the various negative emotions arise again, you will have awareness and discernment, you will know the harm they do to you and, of course, you must also gradually let go of them. When these emotions arise, you will be able to practice self-restraint and apply wisdom, and you will be able to let them go or seek the truth to resolve and handle them. In any case, they should not affect you adopting the correct ways, the correct attitude, and the correct standpoint in how you view people and things, and how you comport yourself and act. In this way, the obstacles and blockages along your path in pursuit of the truth will grow ever fewer, you will be able to pursue the truth within the scope of normal humanity required by God without disturbance, or with ever fewer disturbances, and you will resolve the corrupt dispositions you reveal in all kinds of situations” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). God’s words provided me with a path of practice. When negative emotions arise again, I need to consciously discern them and then let them go. This period of living in negative emotions, and constantly considering my own pride and status was truly painful. In gathering with Sister Yiyi, God’s intention was not to reveal me or make me look bad, but to use the light from her fellowship to supplement my shortcomings, and to help me gain more. Realizing this, I felt less constrained, and I calmed down to listen to her fellowship. In her fellowship, I fathomed some more light, and after her fellowship, I shared my own understanding as well. Everyone benefited from the gathering, and the results were quite good. Through this experience, I saw that only God’s words are the truth, and I tasted that only by viewing people and matters, comporting oneself, and doing things according to God’s words can one live a truly free and liberated life.