By Qin Xin, China

For a period of time, I had to hide in the host house to do my duties to avoid being hunted by the Chinese Communist Party. One day, after the supervisor came back from a meeting, she fellowshipped some truth principles about discerning people. I couldn’t help but feel envious in my heart, thinking, “It’s still better to be able to go out and do duties. One will be able to attend more gatherings, gain more truths, and enter into the truth more quickly, unlike me, who does a text-based duty all day without going out. Apart from my tasks at hand, I only interact with the couple from the host family and their dog. My social circle is so small that I barely see anyone. There’s not even a situation where I can reveal my corruption. How can I know myself? How can I gain more truths?” At that moment, I thought, “God determines people’s outcomes based on whether they have the truth. If I end up not gaining the truth and my disposition doesn’t change, can I still be saved?” When I thought about this, I didn’t want to do my text-based duty anymore. I wanted to ask the supervisor to assign me a duty that involves more interaction with people and more gatherings. Afterward, I felt that this was not sensible. The duties assigned to people were based on a comprehensive assessment of their calibers and strengths. By picking and choosing which duty to do, I was not being obedient. I stared at the computer, thinking one way and then another, unable to calm my heart.

The next afternoon, when I saw the supervisor going out for another meeting, I felt particularly envious, thinking, “Being a supervisor is great. Not only do they often meet with the leaders and understand many truths, but they also practice solving problems with the truth in different groups. Every day they make some gains, and their life progresses so quickly! My duty keeps me indoors, which is safe, but with fewer gatherings, how can I gain truths?” I couldn’t help but have complaints and didn’t want to continue this duty. But then I thought about what the supervisor had said about the difficulty in finding text-based personnel. If I said I didn’t want to do this duty, wouldn’t that be creating trouble for the church? So, I could only stick with it. Although I continued working, I felt no sense of burden in my heart. For the next two days, my computer kept crashing, and coupled with my lack of dedication to my duties, the work was delayed. The supervisor reminded me not to just look for external causes but to reflect on my own state. Thus, I shared what I had revealed recently with the supervisor. The supervisor asked, “Did you seek the truth to solve your state? You’re not seeking the truth to solve your revealed corruption. You’re not learning the lessons right in front of you. Do you think changing your duty will help you learn them?” The supervisor’s words left me speechless. What he said was indeed right. I should focus on learning lessons from the matters at hand and seeking the truth to solve my corruption.

Later, I read these words of God: “Within God’s words are the truths that man needs to possess, things that are the most beneficial and helpful to mankind, the tonic and sustenance that your body needs, things that help man restore his normal humanity, and the truths that man should be equipped with. The more you practice God’s word, the more quickly your life will blossom, and the clearer the truth will become. As you grow in stature, you will see things of the spiritual realm more clearly, and the more strength you will have to triumph over Satan. Much of the truth that you do not understand will be made clear when you practice the word of God. Most people are satisfied to merely understand the text of God’s word and focus on equipping themselves with doctrines rather than on deepening their experience in practice, but is that not the way of the Pharisees? Can they gain the reality of the phrase, ‘The word of God is life’ by doing this? A person’s life cannot grow simply by reading God’s word, but only when the word of God is put into practice. If it is your belief that to understand God’s word is all that is needed to have life and stature, then your understanding is flawed. Truly understanding God’s word occurs when you practice the truth, and you must understand that ‘only by practicing the truth can it ever be understood.’ Today, after reading the word of God, you can merely say that you know God’s word, but you cannot say that you understand it. Some say that the only way to practice the truth is to understand it first, but this is only partially correct, and is certainly not entirely accurate. Before you have knowledge of a truth, you have not experienced that truth. Feeling that you understand something you hear in a sermon is not truly understanding—this is just taking possession of the literal words of the truth, and it is not the same as understanding the true meaning therein. Just having a superficial knowledge of the truth does not mean that you actually understand it or have knowledge about it; the true meaning of the truth comes from having experienced it. Therefore, only when you experience the truth can you understand it, and only then can you grasp the hidden parts of it. Deepening your experience is the only way to grasp the connotations, and to understand the essence of the truth” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Once You Understand the Truth, You Should Put It Into Practice). God’s words made me understand that truly understanding the truth requires practicing and entering into it in real life, and only those who focus on practicing can understand the essence of the truth. Merely reading God’s words or listening to others’ fellowship without focusing on practicing or entering into them, one can only understand doctrines, and not truly understand the truth. I thought of two leaders I had known before. They worked from dawn till dusk, holding gatherings and fellowshipping everywhere with brothers and sisters. They read a lot of God’s words and attended numerous gatherings with higher-level leaders. Although they understood many words and doctrines, they didn’t focus on examining their own revealed corruption or practicing God’s words. One of the leaders always exalted and testified about himself, bringing brothers and sisters before him, and eventually became an antichrist. The other leader was obsessed with status, and anyone who didn’t submit to him or gave him suggestions would be tormented by him, and he was eventually expelled from the church for his many evil deeds. However, some brothers and sisters had duties that didn’t put them in the spotlight and involved limited contact with others, but they focused on self-reflection and knowing themselves according to God’s words, and their lives grew over time. Some even wrote experiential testimony articles. I also thought of Peter from the Age of Grace. He heard many sermons from the Lord Jesus, but he wasn’t just satisfied with hearing them. He often pondered over the Lord’s words and focused on practicing them in daily life. Through practicing the truth, he received God’s enlightenment and guidance, and by gradually experiencing in this way, the truth became his life, and he gained the reality of being submissive to God, fearing God, and loving God. Similarly, by now I had heard a lot of God’s words, and many sermons and fellowships on life entry, but because I hadn’t pursued the truth, or focused on reflecting on myself when things happened, and I had rarely sought the truth while doing things, my gains had been minimal. From this, I saw that merely focusing on equipping oneself with doctrines, no matter how much one understands, does not mean one understands the truth. I thought about how previously I had often read about the truth of submitting to God, and had understood that in all circumstances, I must hold fast to my duty and submit to God’s orchestration and arrangements, but when the environment set by God hadn’t matched my notions, I saw that I had lacked the reality of submission. Thinking that this duty was not in line with my desires, I had resisted and been unwilling to submit. I saw that however many fellowships I had listened to, it didn’t mean I had understood or gained the truth. What I had understood were just words and doctrines, and if I didn’t focus on practicing the truth, I still could not truly gain it, nor could my life disposition be changed.

I continued to seek based on my state and came across a passage of God’s words, which says: “The transformation of a corrupt disposition does not happen overnight. One must continually reflect on and examine themselves in all matters. They must examine their actions and behaviors in light of God’s words, try to understand themselves, and find the path of practicing the truth. This is the way to address a corrupt disposition. It is necessary to reflect upon and explore corrupt dispositions which reveal themselves in daily life, to practice dissection and discernment based on one’s understanding of the truth, and to gradually break through, so that one is able to practice the truth and align all one’s actions with the truth. Through such pursuit, practice, and self-understanding, these revelations of corruption begin to diminish, and there is hope that one’s disposition will eventually be transformed. This is the path. The transformation of one’s disposition is a matter of growth in their life. One must grasp the truth and practice it. Only by practicing the truth can they address the problem of a corrupt disposition. If a corrupt disposition continues to constantly reveal itself, even to the point of revealing itself in every action and word, it means one’s disposition has not been transformed. Any matters related to a corrupt disposition should be earnestly dissected and explored. One should seek the truth in order to unearth and address the root causes of a corrupt disposition. This is the only way to completely resolve the problem of a corrupt disposition. Once you have found this path, there is hope for a transformation in your disposition. These are not hollow matters; they are relevant to real life. The key lies in whether individuals can wholeheartedly and diligently apply themselves to the truth realities, and whether they can practice the truth. As long as they are able to practice the truth, they can gradually begin to cast off their corrupt disposition. Then they can conduct themselves according to God’s requirements and according to their station. By finding their place, standing firm in their role as a created being, and becoming a person who truly worships and submits to God, they will be approved of by God” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). God’s words have made it very clear that man’s corrupt dispositions are revealed every day. In every matter and every word spoken, there may be corrupt dispositions and erroneous thoughts and views mixed in. People need to seek the truth to recognize and resolve these issues. Ultimately, whether one can gain the truth and achieve a change in disposition depends on whether one pursues and practices the truth. It’s not that the more people you interact with, the more corruption you reveal, or that if you don’t go out and interact with fewer people, you reveal less corruption. This was my own notion and imagining. In reality, even if someone has a duty that involves little interaction with others, as long as they bear a burden for their own life entry, pay attention to their viewpoints and thoughts revealed in every matter, carefully examine them, and seek the truth in a timely manner to resolve any corruption discovered, they can still gain the truth and experience change. Thinking about myself, although my current duty involved little interaction with people, I had still revealed a lot of corruption in my work. Sometimes, when the work was busy and required staying up late, I had worried about overusing my eyes due to a minor eye problem, fearing that if my eyes failed, I wouldn’t be able to keep doing my duty and be saved, so I had slacked off and delayed the work. At other times, I had been perfunctory in my duty, not checking the details of my work, which had resulted in rework and delays in the work’s progress. I saw that my scummy nature was serious. I also recalled that previously, when I had a duty that involved meeting people and attending meetings daily, even though I had revealed a lot of corruption, I had used being busy with duties as an excuse to avoid reflecting on myself, rarely seeking the truth to resolve my corruption. I had been through many experiences and revealed much corruption, but hadn’t gained much truth. Now, doing the text-based duty, I was busy focusing solely on getting things done every day, rarely coming before God to reflect on my corruption. Besides doing my duty, my mind was often in a state of emptiness, or I would think about fleshly enjoyment, family affection, fame, and status—all things unrelated to the truth. There was no progress in my life entry. I saw that gaining the truth didn’t depend on the duty that one did. The key was whether they focused on self-reflection, and whether they seriously put in efforts to resolve their revealed corruption. If they didn’t seek the truth and reflect on themselves, then even if they became a supervisor, they wouldn’t gain the truth and couldn’t be saved. Facing these facts, I saw how absurd and erroneous my views had been! Because I hadn’t understood the truth, I had viewed things from fallacious perspectives, always wanting to abandon this duty and not submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements. I had also done my duty half-heartedly, and if I continued this way, it could only delay the work and make God spurn me. I recognized how very important it was to have correct thoughts and views when pursuing the truth. Understanding this, I was no longer picky about my duty, but was willing to seize the current opportunity to do my duty, pay close attention to my thoughts and views when things happened, and seek the truth to resolve them promptly.

In my reflection, I realized that my inability to submit to do my current duty was not only due to my fallacious views but also to my desire to gain blessings. I had thought that, by doing this duty, I would gain less truths, which meant my hope for blessings was slim, so I hadn’t wanted to do this duty. I saw that my intent in believing in God and doing duties had been wrong. I read these words of God: “People believe in God in order to be blessed, to be rewarded, to be crowned. Doesn’t this exist in everyone’s heart? It is a fact that it does. Although people don’t often talk about it, and even cover up their motive and desire to obtain blessings, this desire and motive deep in people’s hearts has always been unshakable. No matter how much spiritual theory people understand, what experiential knowledge they have, what duty they can perform, how much suffering they endure, or how much of a price they pay, they never let go of the motivation for blessings hidden deep in their hearts, and always silently toil in its service. Isn’t this the thing buried deepest inside people’s hearts? Without this motivation to receive blessings, how would you feel? With what attitude would you perform your duty and follow God? What would become of people if this motivation to receive blessings that is hidden in their hearts was gotten rid of? It is possible that many people would become negative, while some would become demotivated in their duties. They would lose interest in their belief in God, as if their soul had vanished. They would appear as if their heart had been snatched away. This is why I say the motivation for blessings is something hidden deep in people’s hearts” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Six Indicators of Life Growth). God’s words exposed my state. In believing in God, forsaking things, expending myself, and working hard, my purpose had been solely to receive blessings. If I couldn’t receive blessings, I lost the motivation to do my duty, and I lacked enthusiasm for everything. Ever since I began believing in God, I was always enthusiastic about doing my duty, giving up my job and marriage, and willing to suffer and pay a price in my duty. When I was assigned to this text-based duty, I thought that this duty involved little outside gatherings and fewer opportunities to gain the truth, which would hinder my salvation. So I wanted the supervisor to give me a different duty, and I complained that the duty assigned to me was inappropriate. I began to be perfunctory in doing my duty, slacking off and delaying the work. I saw that my sacrifices and efforts in doing my duties were driven by my desire for blessings. In my faith, I only considered my own interests, treating my duty as a means to gain blessings. If a duty seemed beneficial for me to gain blessings, I was eager to cooperate; if it didn’t, I became negative and resistant. I wasn’t pursuing to submit to and satisfy God, nor was I doing my duty as a created being with sincerity toward God. Pursuing in this way would only lead to God’s detestation and ultimately being eliminated by Him. I should obey the church’s arrangements, do my duties diligently and conscientiously, focus on reflecting on myself in all matters to learn lessons, and pursue a change in disposition.

In the days that followed, I focused on learning lessons from things I encountered. The brother at the host house was enthusiastic about doing his duty but didn’t pay much attention to life entry. In the past, I helped him with good intentions, always trying to make him know himself on things that happened, which led to his resistance and repulsion, and I felt wronged, wondering why my good intentions weren’t appreciated. Through reflection, I realized that I had an arrogant disposition and was forcing others to listen to me. Also, I lacked principles in helping others. Later, I read “The Principles of Helping Others Lovingly,” and understood that helping others should at least not cause them to stumble but benefit them, and that I should treat others according to their stature, guiding them patiently and kindly without forcing them to accept my views. Moreover, some time ago, many brothers and sisters went out of town to preach the gospel. I couldn’t go due to certain reasons, and I felt very negative and dejected, complaining about why God allowed this to happen to me. Later, I focused on seeking the truth, and by reading God’s words and reflecting upon myself, I recognized my fallacious views and my intent to seek blessings. I thought that going out of town to do duties provided more opportunities to practice, and thus greater hope for gaining the truth and salvation. When this goal wasn’t met, I became negative and complained. I realized that as a created being, I should submit to the Creator’s orchestration and arrangements, and understood that whether one can gain the truth depends on whether they strive for and pay a price for the truth, not on where they do their duties. I should hold fast to my duty, pursue the truth and learn lessons in my current environment, and do my duty well. This was what I should pursue.

Reflecting on my experiences during this time, I understood that in belief in God, whether one can gain the truth doesn’t depend on what duty one does, but on whether they love and practice the truth. If one is serious with the daily matters that come up, focusing on reflecting on their corruption and seeking the truth to resolve it, putting efforts into a change in disposition, they will make some gains every day. Now, I no longer resist doing this text-based duty and can submit. I am also willing to cherish this duty and put effort into pursuing the truth.