By Chen Jin, China

In 2012, I was chosen to be a church leader. With God’s guidance, our church’s gospel work produced some results, and we also set up two new churches. Back then, the brothers and sisters nominated me to take charge of the church’s election work, and when the brothers and sisters had poor states, they’d also ask me to fellowship and help them. After my fellowship, they were able to turn their states around. Especially at co-worker gatherings, seeing that our church had brought in the most newcomers, that it was the most fully staffed with leaders and deacons, and that the work was progressing smoothly in all aspects, I was extremely happy. I thought I really had working abilities and was good at selecting and making use of people.

Later on, I was chosen to be a preacher. One time, I went to preside over a church election, and in the first round of elections, a sister named Wang Chen received the most votes. I thought to myself, “Although Wang Chen is fairly fond of status and likes showing off, in the few times we’ve interacted, I’ve noticed that she has some understanding of her corrupt disposition. She’s fit to be a leader.” That day, I saw Zhang Lin, who’d previously been dismissed from her leadership position in the church. Zhang Lin said to me, “Wang Chen often testifies to herself and shows herself off. When fellowshipping on her state, she only mentions her good points and never talks about her corruptions. This has led to the brothers and sisters worshiping her and saying she can fellowship on the truth and resolve problems. She doesn’t gain any self-understanding even after being dismissed; choosing her as a leader is not appropriate!” After hearing this, I had some ideas of my own about Zhang Lin. I thought, “Isn’t it that you’ve just been dismissed, so you feel bad seeing Wang Chen get elected? Plus, I’ve interacted with Wang Chen several times, and I think she’s shown some understanding regarding her previous dismissal. It’s not at all like you say. You should reflect on the motives behind your words.” In the past, I’d been in charge of almost all the church’s elections, and those elected had more or less been fit for their jobs, so I thought I had good judgment and didn’t want to accept Zhang Lin’s advice. When I got home, I told the sister I was partnered with that Wang Chen had got the most votes in this election. She was surprised to hear this, and said, “Wang Chen has a strong desire for status and a serious problem with showing herself off. As a leader, she only focused on her good side when reporting on the work and never mentioned her deviations. When she talked about her state, it was all positive; she never let anyone see her corrupt side. She said the brothers and sisters all talked to her if something came up, but they didn’t seek the principles. Back then, we fellowshipped with her and pointed out her problems, but she said that she didn’t have any ulterior motives, that it was the brothers and sisters who wanted to admire her. After being dismissed, she hasn’t gained any self-understanding. We still can’t see through Wang Chen; you should keep seeking the truth on this.” Hearing that this sister had also rejected the person I’d selected, I felt quite upset. I thought to myself, “You’re talking about things that happened several years ago. These last few times I’ve interacted with her, I’ve seen that she’s capable of understanding herself. It’s not how you say it is. Don’t be so quick to put other people in a box. Not to mention, I’ve been a leader for a few years now, and I’ve come into contact with many people and know how to be discerning. I’m more experienced than you with choosing and making use of people; would I really be wrong about this?” But on the outside, I still said to her gently, “The things you’re talking about happened several years ago; she has some self-understanding now. We can’t just look at people’s pasts; we should regard them correctly.” When the sister didn’t respond, I believed even more firmly that I was in the right.

There was also one time when I saw a sister named Li Li. She had been dismissed from her leadership role and was extremely negative, wanting to go home. I thought that Li Li might be wanting to return home because she had no duty to do. If I arranged a duty for her, maybe she wouldn’t want to go home anymore. It just happened that the church was in need of someone to do general affairs work, so I thought of Li Li, and considered having her take on this duty. I went to meet with her leader, Zhang Hui, to discuss the matter of arranging for Li Li to take up general affairs duties. Zhang Hui said, “Li Li has shown no self-understanding after being dismissed. She doesn’t accept it when brothers and sisters point out her problems, and everyone feels constrained by her. The brothers and sisters reported that she has poor humanity and doesn’t accept the truth.” Hearing Zhang Hui’s words, I was full of contempt. I thought to myself, “Li Li’s just been dismissed; it’s normal for her to not have much understanding. And when I interacted with her in the past, I didn’t notice that her humanity was bad. Do you guys even know how to judge people? Even though Li Li cares a fair bit about reputation and sometimes reasons with people who point out her problems, she’ll self-reflect and try to know herself after the fact, and she won’t let her bad mood get in the way of her duty. She regards her duty with a sense of burden.” So I said to Zhang Hui, “I know this sister rather well, and I haven’t noticed that her humanity is poor. It’s alright for her to do this duty.” Although I didn’t come off as too unyielding on the surface, I was still thinking, “I’ve been a leader for years; would I really misjudge this matter? We’ll do as I say. I just came here to let you know about it. In the end, the decision rests with me.” After that, I arranged right away for Li Li to do general affairs work.

And with that, I lived in a state of arrogance and conceitedness; it was my way or the highway, and I didn’t accept advice from others. I thought that I was great, that there was depth to the way I saw issues. Also, when I discussed work with the sister I was partnered with, I always felt that I had better judgment than she did, and I would hold fast to my views. After this, the results produced in my duty began to decline, and my state grew worse and worse. Even when fellowshipping on God’s words, I couldn’t speak about any light. I would always doze off when doing my duty, and I’d get sleepy by 8 or 9 p.m.; I couldn’t fight it even if I wanted to. I felt as if I’d lost the work of the Holy Spirit, as if God was hiding His face from me. At the time, I was still unable to recognize these problems I had. A couple days later, I was confronted with God’s judgment and chastisement.

One evening, I accidentally opened a report letter. When I saw it, I couldn’t believe my eyes. The letter said that I hadn’t handled things according to the principles during my time as a preacher. When the brothers and sisters reported to me that Wang Chen was not fit to be a leader, I didn’t accept it, and I didn’t try to understand the real situation. During Wang Chen’s time as a church leader, she didn’t search for God’s words to fellowship and help the brothers and sisters when their states were poor, instead giving them a talking-to for not pursuing the truth. The sister she was partnered with, Xiaoxue, pointed out Wang Chen’s problems, but not only did Wang Chen not accept it, she also spread Xiaoxue’s problems amongst the brothers and sisters. This led to everyone taking Wang Chen’s side and believing that Xiaoxue was a false leader. Chaos broke out in the church, and the brothers and sisters went more than two months without living normal church lives. Their life entry suffered losses, and the church work was seriously disturbed and disrupted. Reading this report letter, I was shaking from head to toe and my heart was pounding. It was as if the letter’s every word had pierced my heart, and it was like I had been condemned; I was in a state of panic and alarm. I thought to myself, “I’m really done for now. Is the upper-level leader going to dismiss me?” I also thought, “God’s work is nearing its end now. If I’m dismissed at this time, won’t that mean I’ve been revealed? Won’t that mean I’ll have no hope of being saved?” It felt like a heavy weight was pressing against my chest. I didn’t eat well during those few days, and I couldn’t sleep, afraid that the leader would dismiss me anytime. Soon, the upper-level leader arranged a meeting with me. Seeing that I had no self-understanding, she exposed and pruned me, saying I was extremely arrogant, didn’t accept the brothers and sisters’ advice, behaved arbitrarily and rashly in my duty, and was disrupting and disturbing the church work. In the end, the leader dismissed me. After being dismissed, I was very negative; I didn’t want to eat and drink God’s words or pray, and as soon as I thought of how the leader had exposed me, I became heartrendingly distressed. I thought that I was finished, that I was too arrogant, that I was irredeemable. I even gave up on myself and wallowed in misery, not self-reflecting when I had the time and instead just watching some TV shows to numb the pain. I passed the days in a muddled daze, living like a walking corpse. At times, I thought, “What exactly am I believing in God for? Am I really just going to stop pursuing now that I’ve been dismissed? Why is the energy I pursued with in the past all gone now? Am I someone who sincerely believes in God?” Thinking of this, I went before God and prayed, “Oh God! After being dismissed, I’ve fallen into negativity and ended up like this. I see that my stature is truly so small. God, please guide me out of this negative state.”

One day, during my spiritual devotion, I read these words of God: “Some people think that once a person has experienced being judged, chastised, and pruned, or after their true colors have been revealed, their outcome is set, and they are destined to have no hope of salvation. Most people cannot see this matter clearly, they hesitate at the crossroads, not knowing how to walk the path ahead. Doesn’t this mean that they still lack true knowledge of God’s work? Do those who always have doubts about God’s work and God’s salvation of man have any true faith at all? Ordinarily, when some people have yet to be pruned and have not suffered any setbacks, they feel that they should pursue the truth and satisfy God’s intentions in their faith. However, as soon as they take a bit of a blow or any difficulties arise, out comes their betraying nature, which is loathing to see. Afterward, they, too, feel it loathing, and ultimately pass a verdict on their own outcome, saying, ‘It’s all over for me! If I’m capable of doing such things, doesn’t that mean I’m done for? God will never save me.’ Many people are in this state. It could even be said that everyone is like this. Why do people pass verdicts on themselves like this? It proves that they still do not understand God’s intention to save mankind. Being pruned just once can lead to you falling into negativity for a long period of time, unable to pull yourself out, to the extent that you may even give up your duty; even just a minor scenario can scare you into no longer pursuing the truth, and getting stuck. It is as if people are only enthusiastic in their pursuit when they feel they are flawless and without blemish, yet when they discover they are overly corrupt, they do not have the heart to continue pursuing the truth. Many people have spoken words of frustration and negativity such as, ‘It’s definitely over for me; God will not save me. Even if God forgives me, I can’t forgive myself; I can never change.’ People do not understand God’s intention, which shows they still do not know His work. In fact, it’s natural for people to sometimes reveal certain corrupt dispositions throughout their experiences, or to act in an adulterated manner, or irresponsibly, or perfunctorily and without loyalty. This is because people have corrupt dispositions; this is the inexorable law. Were it not for these revelations, why would they be called corrupt human beings? If human beings were not corrupt, then God’s work of salvation would be meaningless. The problem now is that, because people do not understand the truth or truly understand themselves, and because they cannot see their own states clearly, they need God to express His words of exposure and judgment in order to see the light. Otherwise, they would remain numb and dull-witted. If God did not work in this way, people would never change” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). This passage of God’s words felt like a warm current soothing my heart, comforting and encouraging me. I finally recognized that I was living in this state of despair because I had failed to understand God’s work. I thought that since I’d selected and made use of people based on my own will and disrupted and disturbed the church work, God would no longer save me. In reality, God’s work of judgment and chastisement was to help me understand my corruption. Without what the facts revealed and without this pruning, I wouldn’t see how serious my arrogant disposition was, and how I’d been capable of doing so many things that resisted God. Now, I had been dismissed, and this was God protecting me, allowing me to promptly stop doing evil and be able to self-reflect, repent, and change. But I still misunderstood God, thinking that He was revealing and eliminating me, and so I lived in negativity and abandoned myself to despair. I had hurt God so deeply! I felt extremely indebted to God, and so I said inwardly to myself, “No matter how corrupt I am, I’ve still got to do my best to be better. I can’t keep sinking further into negativity.” After that, I ate and drank God’s words normally and prayed to Him every day, and gradually, my state began to improve.

During that time, I also reflected on why I had failed and stumbled. I read a passage of God’s words: “What does it mean to be ‘arbitrary and rash’? It means to act however you see fit when you encounter an issue, without any process of thinking or searching. Nothing anyone else says can touch your heart or change your mind. You can’t even accept it when the truth is fellowshipped to you, you stick to your own opinions, not listening when other people say anything right, believing yourself right, and clinging to your own ideas. Even if your thinking is correct, you should take other people’s opinions into consideration as well. And if you don’t at all, is this not being extremely self-righteous? It is not easy for people who are extremely self-righteous and willful to accept the truth. If you do something wrong and others criticize you, saying, ‘You’re not doing it according to the truth!’ you reply, ‘Even if I’m not, this is still how I’m going to do it,’ and then you find some reason to make them think this is right. If they reproach you, saying, ‘You acting like this is disruptive, and it will damage the work of the church,’ not only do you not listen, but you keep coming out with excuses: ‘I think this is the right way, so this is how I’m going to do it.’ What disposition is this? (Arrogance.) It is arrogance. An arrogant nature makes you willful. If you have an arrogant nature, you will behave arbitrarily and rashly, heedless of what anyone says” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). What God exposed was my exact behavior. I was just as He had described: someone with an arrogant disposition, acting rashly and arbitrarily. I thought that I was fairly experienced when it came to selecting and making use of people, and that I knew how to judge people based on the principles, so I was unwilling to listen to the brothers and sisters’ suggestions, thinking that I was right and wouldn’t misjudge someone. Regarding the matter of electing church leaders, Zhang Lin and the sister I was partnered with reminded me that Wang Chen always showed off and testified to herself, gained no true self-understanding after being dismissed, and was unfit to be a leader. However, I paid no heed to the sisters’ advice, still believing that I’d been a leader for many years and was better at judging people. Not only did I not further investigate and understand the matter, I also refuted the sisters, wanting them to do as I said. Because I was arrogant and self-righteous, holding fast to my own views and acting recklessly, Wang Chen became a leader, which disrupted and disturbed the church life. Also, with regard to promoting Li Li, Zhang Hui told me that she had just been dismissed and had no self-understanding, and that she also had poor humanity, didn’t accept others’ advice, and was unfit to do general affairs work. Although I knew that what Zhang Hui said made sense, I thought Li Li’s state could be improved by having her do a duty. I also thought that I knew her fairly well, and so I insisted on promoting her. In these two instances of selecting and making use of people, both times the brothers and sisters offered me some suggestions, but I didn’t listen to a shred of what they said. As a result, I caused serious disruptions and disturbances to the church work, and the brothers and sisters went more than two months without having a normal church life. This was the consequence of me acting according to my arrogant disposition, behaving arbitrarily, and not accepting others’ advice. Understanding this, I prayed to God, “Oh God! If I wasn’t reported and dismissed and prevented from doing evil, who knows how many more evil deeds I would have done. God! Thank You for revealing me; I’m willing to repent.”

Later, I read more of God’s words and gained some understanding of my corrupt disposition. Almighty God says: “If you have an arrogant and conceited disposition, then being told not to oppose God makes no difference, you can’t help yourself, it is beyond your control. You would not do it on purpose; you would do it under the domination of your arrogant and conceited nature. Your arrogance and conceit would make you look down on God and see Him as being of no account; they would cause you to exalt yourself, constantly put yourself on display; they would make you scorn others, they would leave no one in your heart but yourself; they would rob you of God’s place in your heart, and ultimately cause you to sit in the place of God and demand that people submit to you, and make you venerate your own thoughts, ideas, and notions as the truth. So much evil is done by people under the dominance of their arrogant and conceited nature!” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Pursuing the Truth Can One Achieve a Change in Disposition). “Arrogance is the root of man’s corrupt disposition. The more arrogant people are, the more unreasonable they are, and the more unreasonable they are, the more liable they are to resist God. How serious is this problem? Not only do people with an arrogant disposition consider everyone else beneath them, but, worst of all, they are even condescending toward God, and they have no God-fearing hearts. Even though people might appear to believe in God and follow Him, they do not treat Him as God at all. They always feel that they possess the truth and think the world of themselves. This is the essence and root of the arrogant disposition, and it comes from Satan. Therefore, the problem of arrogance must be resolved. Feeling that one is better than others—that is a trivial matter. The critical issue is that one’s arrogant disposition prevents one from submitting to God, His sovereignty, and His arrangements; such a person always feels inclined to compete with God for power and control others. This sort of person does not have a God-fearing heart in the slightest, to say nothing of loving God or submitting to Him. People who are arrogant and conceited, especially those who are so arrogant as to have lost their reason, cannot submit to God in their belief in Him, and even exalt and bear testimony for themselves. Such people resist God the most and have absolutely no God-fearing hearts” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). God said that those with arrogant dispositions are capable of doing things that cause disruptions and disturbances and violate the principles; they’re capable of resisting God. I’d believed in God for years and produced some results in my duty, and so I regarded these things as capital. I thought that I had a bit of the truth reality, that I was talented, that I was better than everyone else. I had great confidence in myself, thinking that I was right in every issue. Those two times I selected and made use of people, God used the brothers and sisters to repeatedly remind me that making use of these people did not comply with the principles, but I didn’t take them seriously at all. I thought I understood the truth and was good at judging people, and I insisted on having my way, selecting and making use of people according to my own ideas and disregarding the truth principles. I thought everyone was beneath me and didn’t hold God in my heart; my arrogance knew no bounds. That I saw some results when doing my duty in the past was not because I had good caliber and understood the truth. In fact, when I first started doing my duty, there was a lot I didn’t understand. I prayed to and relied on God when facing difficulties, seeking His intention and acting according to the principles. This made it easy to gain the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and there were also results in my duty. However, I regarded the results achieved through the work of the Holy Spirit as my own capital, always thinking that I understood the truth. I didn’t accept the brothers and sisters’ advice or seek the truth principles, acting arbitrarily and rashly and causing disruptions and disturbances to the work, ultimately losing the work of the Holy Spirit and getting dismissed. This was the root cause of my failure. I thought of how Christ gave the brothers and sisters a chance to express their viewpoints at every gathering, and accepted their words if they were right. Seeing Christ’s humility and hiddenness and His essence of beauty and goodness, I felt even more ashamed. I was nothing; I understood a few doctrines and gained some work experience and then stopped listening to anyone, acting with a “my way or the highway” attitude. If back then I’d been able to listen to the brothers and sisters’ advice with an open mind and have an attitude of accepting the truth, I wouldn’t have selected and made use of people however I pleased or caused such harm to the work. I was truly so remorseful! God used the brothers and sisters’ reporting and dismissing me to stop me from doing evil; this was God protecting me. Without His protection, given my arrogant nature, there’s no telling what sort of evil deeds I’d have committed. Now, God had given me a chance to reflect and repent. I felt that God’s love for me was so great, and in my heart, I told myself, “In the future, no matter what I do, I’ve got to seek more and keep a God-fearing heart; I can’t just act recklessly based on my own desires.”

In 2020, I became a church leader once again. At the time, our church needed someone to take charge of the watering work. The sister I was partnered with said a sister at our church named Zhenxin was active in her duty, had a pure heart, was a right person, and could be cultivated. After hearing this, I thought to myself, “I’ve interacted with this sister a couple times. Her fellowshipping is rather shallow, and she doesn’t discuss her corruptions. Can someone like this do watering work?” At this time, two other sisters also said that although Zhenxin was active when doing things, she was lacking in the aspects of fellowshipping on the truth and resolving problems. After that, I felt even more sure that I’d judged this correctly, that Zhenxin was not fit to do watering work. When I had this thought, I realized that I was being arrogant and self-righteous again. I thought of how I’d transgressed due to sticking to my own views in the past, and I felt that I couldn’t keep holding fast to my views, that I needed to seek with those who understood the truth. I read more of God’s words: “When other people voice dissenting opinions, how can you practice in order to keep from being arbitrary and rash? You must first have an attitude of humility, set aside what you believe to be right, and let everyone fellowship. Even if you believe your way to be correct, you should not keep insisting on it. That is a kind of step forward; it shows an attitude of seeking the truth, of denying yourself, and of satisfying God’s intentions. Once you have this attitude, at the same time as not adhering to your own opinions, you should pray, seek the truth from God, and then look for a basis in God’s words—determine how to act based on God’s words. This is the most suitable and accurate practice. When you seek the truth and hold up a problem for everyone to fellowship and seek on together, that is when the Holy Spirit provides enlightenment” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). I prayed to God, “Oh God, they said that this sister is able to do watering work, but I feel that she’s not a good fit. I know that I have an arrogant disposition and haven’t necessarily judged this correctly. Please guide me to let go of myself and act in a way that aligns with the principles and is beneficial to the church work.” At one of our gatherings, the preacher happened to be there, and I sought with them. The preacher fellowshipped with me and said I could make a judgment based on how the majority of brothers and sisters assessed Zhenxin. I asked around and learned that everyone thought Zhenxin had good humanity, was patient, and was able to purely open herself up when interacting with others. They said that although her life entry was a bit shallow, she had a sense of burden in her duty. At that time, the church was short-staffed, and there wasn’t anyone more suitable available. Zhenxin was the best of a mediocre bunch, so selecting her to do watering work was appropriate. After the brothers and sisters’ assessments, we ultimately selected Zhenxin to be the watering group leader. After this, when I was partnered with Zhenxin, I noticed that she was able to recognize her corrupt disposition when matters befell her, and she also had some sense of justice. Thankfully, I had listened to everyone’s advice earlier and hadn’t held fast to my own views. In the days that followed, when discussing matters with the brothers and sisters, whenever I felt that I was in the right or others made different suggestions to me, I consciously prayed to God and rebelled against myself, listening to the brothers and sisters’ suggestions with a seeking heart. When practicing in this way, I saw that there was often something worth hearing in their suggestions that also showed me what I lacked. This helped me a lot in my performance of duty. That I am able to change just a bit is all the result of God’s words. Thank God!