By Pan Li, China

One day in November of 2020, I heard that a church leader named Zhao Jun had been arrested by the police. Because I was relatively familiar with the situation in Zhao Jun’s church, my upper leader asked me to go understand what had happened, how Zhao Jun had been arrested, and to do the work of handling the aftermath in a timely manner. Upon receiving this assignment, I felt a bit intimidated, thinking, “Given that Zhao Jun was just arrested, it will be very dangerous for me to go to that church now. If I get caught by the officers staking out our church, what will happen to me? Won’t I be walking right into a trap?” But then I thought about how Zhao Jun had been in contact with many people and host families and they would all be in danger given that Zhao Jun had been arrested. I knew that I had to notify everyone to take precautions immediately. Having made up my mind, I quickly headed off to the church to notify the brothers and sisters. The next day, I learned that there had been incidents with two of the host families I’d visited the previous night. Not long after I left, one family had their house raided and the other family’s husband and wife were both arrested. If I had left just a little later, I would have been arrested too. In December, there was another string of large-scale arrests at different churches. The sister I partnered with, along with over thirty brothers and sisters, including leaders and workers, were arrested one after another. This was a very dangerous situation and it was crucial that I notify other brothers and sisters who were subjected to hidden dangers that they needed to go into hiding and transfer the books of God’s words to others for safekeeping. At the time, we had already lost contact with certain churches, there were no suitable homes in which to keep books of God’s words and church property, and some of our brothers and sisters didn’t have access to safe host homes. Faced with such a difficult situation, I felt quite weak, afraid and unsettled. It seemed like I could be arrested at any moment. I thought to myself, “What if I’m arrested and beaten to death at such a young age?” I went through the entire day with a worried frown and the days seemed to crawl by at a snail’s pace. I kept wondering when this situation would finally let up. At that time, I heard that several tens of special police from the provincial level had arrived with the specific goal of arresting believers. I became even more nervous and scared, thinking, “I’m already being pursued for arrest, so won’t I just be offering myself up to the police by transferring books? If they follow and arrest me, the police certainly won’t let me off easy. The CCP can kill believers with impunity—if they arrest me, will they beat me to death? I’ve believed in God, forsaken and expended myself for so many years, all just to be beaten to death? Will I still be able to attain salvation? If I can’t, won’t all my years of suffering have been in vain? If I’m given a years-long sentence, how will I withstand life in jail?” I couldn’t bear to think of life in jail, where one is better off dead than to have to live in such conditions. I lived in constant fear and didn’t dare transfer the books, so I wrote a letter to Brother Li Yi, asking him to transfer the books as quickly as possible. However, I never received a response from him after writing several letters. Another few days went by and the books still hadn’t been transferred. I was worried that my upper leader would blame me for being irresponsible in my duty, so I asked the leader to assign someone else to handle the aftermath. To cover over my personal intentions and motives, I said that I had a small stature, that I had no experience in this kind of situation, and for certain aspects of the work, I needed to discuss and consult with someone else. This would make the leader think I was doing my best to cooperate and was bearing a burden in the church’s work. That way even if problems arose the leader wouldn’t blame me. Soon after that, my leader assigned Sister Yun Qing to work with me on handling the aftermath.

After that, the situation became tenser by the day—reports of brothers and sisters being arrested came in one after another and I also heard that the police had obtained the information on a lot of brothers and sisters. I wrote letters to group leaders urging them to notify all brothers and sisters to go into hiding right away, but I just wasn’t in a place where I could concern myself with the brothers and sisters’ safety. I felt very anxious and afraid, worrying that one day soon, I too would be arrested, so I failed to do some detailed work, didn’t notify people that needed to hide as I should have and, as a result, a sister named Wang Lan was arrested. Later on, she was sent home and died within ten hours. I felt very guilty—if I had put a little more effort in and upheld my responsibility to notify Wang Lan in time that she needed to go into hiding, she might not have been arrested and died. I was responsible for Wang Lan being arrested and there was no excuse for it.

Not long after that, my upper leader came to me with a report that the brothers and sisters had written up on me, exposing how at the most crucial moment, I failed to protect my brothers and sisters, didn’t transfer the books of God’s words in a timely manner, selfishly and despicably protected myself, and didn’t protect and maintain the church’s work. The leader then proceeded to dismiss me on the spot. I realized that I had been living in cowardice during that time and had failed to do real work. I deserved to be dismissed. In the midst of my devotionals and reflection, I came upon this passage of God’s words: “The first fundamental thing that leaders and workers must do is to keep a proper watch over the various material items of God’s house, to properly carry out checks and keep guard for God’s house, not letting any items get damaged, wasted, or taken into the possession of evil people. This is the minimum they should do. As soon as you’re chosen as a leader or a worker, God’s house regards you as its steward: You’re of the managerial class, and the task that you shoulder is heavier than that of others. You bear a great responsibility. That’s why your every attitude, your every action, your every plan for handling issues, and your every method for resolving problems, all involve the interests of God’s house. If you don’t even consider the interests of God’s house or take them to heart, you’re unfit to be a steward of His house. … So, when it comes to selecting leaders and workers, looking at this from the perspective of humanity, what’s the most basic thing that they should possess? They must have a conscience and a sense of justice, and their motives should be proper. Their humanity must first pass the bar. No matter how much work capability they possess, or what level of caliber they possess, people of that sort will be up-to-standard stewards if they serve as supervisors. At the very least, they’ll be able to uphold the interests of God’s house and the common interests of the brothers and sisters. They absolutely won’t sell out the brothers’ and sisters’ interests, nor those of God’s house. When the interests of God’s house and the brothers and sisters are about to come to harm or injury, they’ll have thought of it beforehand, and they’ll be the first to step forward and safeguard them, even if doing so will affect their own safety, or require them to pay a price or suffer. These are all things that people with a conscience and reason can do. Some false leaders and workers rush to find a safe place to hide themselves away in when they’re faced with dangerous circumstances, yet with the important items of God’s house—books of God’s words, cell phones, computers, and so on—they neither care about them nor ask after them. If they were worried about how them being arrested would affect the bigger picture of the church’s work, they could send others to handle these things—yet these false leaders hide only for their own safety’s sake. They’re scared to death, and in order to ensure their own safety, they don’t do what they can. There are therefore many instances where false leaders’ negligence, inaction, and irresponsibility cause various items of God’s house and offerings to God to be plundered and taken by the great red dragon when dangerous situations arise, which leads to serious losses. When those situations have just arisen in the church, the first thought of leaders and workers should be to put the equipment and material items of God’s house in suitable places, to hand them off to suitable people for management; the great red dragon absolutely must not be allowed to take them. But false leaders never have such things in mind; they never put the interests of God’s house first, instead they put their own safety first. False leaders’ failure to do real work often causes various important items of God’s house to suffer losses or damages. Is this not a serious dereliction of duty on the part of false leaders?” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (11)). God’s words clearly described the responsibilities of a leader. A leader should have humanity and a sense of justice and should be trustworthy. In crucial moments, leaders should always protect brothers and sisters and safeguard the books of God’s words, even if it means undergoing suffering and compromising their own personal interests. False leaders are incredibly selfish and despicable and even if they do carry out work from time to time, it’s always the work that they prefer. In all things, they consider their own interests and never weigh the interests of the house of God at all. Such people have poor character and God despises them. By comparison, I saw that I was no different than the false leaders God’s words exposed. When arrests began happening in the church, I passed off dangerous work to other people, asking Li Yi to transfer the books, and when he didn’t respond to my letters in time, I didn’t transfer the books quickly myself, instead writing a letter to my upper leader explaining that I had a small stature and asking the leader to assign someone else to do that work. I made excuses to protect myself and passed off dangerous work onto others in order to not put myself at risk. As our environment became more and more worse, I just didn’t feel like getting into the details of handling the aftermath, instead just going through the motions and acting like I was working, delegating work from on high, and passing off all the work of handling the aftermath to the group leaders, so that they were forced to show up and resolve situations themselves. When I heard that Wang Lan was in danger of being arrested, I should have promptly written a letter to remind her to go into hiding. If I had, perhaps she wouldn’t have been arrested and lost her life. But I was living in fear and timidity and didn’t notify people as I should have. Some of the brothers and sisters had become negative and weak, but I didn’t fellowship with and support them. I considered how to protect my interests from being harmed in all situations and didn’t pay the slightest mind to the church’s work. How selfish and despicable I was! As a church leader, it was my responsibility to protect God’s chosen people and the interests of God’s house, but at the most crucial moment I shrunk from my duty. I was selfish, despicable, only cared about myself and didn’t have the slightest bit of conscience or reason. As a result, my sister had been arrested and tortured to death, the church’s work was delayed and I committed an eternal transgression.

Later, I came across this passage of God’s words: “Doing one’s duty is not a minor matter; people are most revealed in the performance of their duty, and God determines people’s outcomes based on their consistent performance while doing their duty. What does it signify when someone doesn’t do their duty well? It signifies that they don’t accept the truth or truly repent, and are eliminated by God. When false leaders and false workers get dismissed, what does this represent? This is the attitude of God’s house toward such people and, of course, it also represents God’s attitude toward such people. So, what is God’s attitude toward useless people such as these? He spurns them, condemns them, and eliminates them. So, do you still want to indulge in the benefits of status and be a false leader?” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (8)). After reading God’s words, tears came streaming down my face. I saw that my dismissal was a sign of God’s wrath and got the sense that God’s righteous disposition is unoffendable. Thinking back on how I always considered my own safety first, didn’t protect the church’s work, didn’t consider the safety of my brothers and sisters, leading to irreversible consequences, I was incredibly regretful. Despite coming out unscathed, I hadn’t fulfilled my responsibilities, had committed a transgression that I could never make up for and caused God to hate and despise me. It was my own fault that I had been reported by my brothers and sisters. During that time, I would often cry while thinking of this and hated myself for being so covetous of life and afraid of death. Each time this was brought up, I would feel a dull pain in my heart and felt that I owed God and my brothers and sisters. I hated myself for being no better than a beast and thought that there was no punishment from God too severe for me.

After that, I began seeking to understand why it was that I always tried to protect myself when faced with difficult situations. I came upon this passage of God’s words: “Until people have experienced God’s work and understood the truth, it is Satan’s nature that takes charge and dominates them from within. What, specifically, does that nature entail? For example, why are you selfish? Why do you protect your own position? Why do you have such strong feelings? Why do you enjoy those unrighteous things? Why do you like those evils? What is the basis for your fondness for such things? Where do these things come from? Why are you so happy to accept them? By now, you have all come to understand that the main reason behind all these things is that Satan’s poison is within man. So what is Satan’s poison? How can it be expressed? For example, if you ask, ‘How should people live? What should people live for?’ people will answer, ‘Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost.’ This single phrase expresses the very root of the problem. Satan’s philosophy and logic have become people’s lives. No matter what people pursue, they do so for themselves—and so they live only for themselves. ‘Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost’—this is the life philosophy of man, and it also represents human nature. These words have already become the nature of corrupt mankind and they are the true portrait of corrupt mankind’s satanic nature. This satanic nature has already become the basis for corrupt mankind’s existence. For several thousand years, corrupt mankind has lived by this venom of Satan, right up to the present day” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Walk the Path of Peter). Through reading God’s words, I realized that the satanic poison “Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost” had taken deep root within me and become my standard for how I acted as a person. When faced with dangers, I continually protected myself and showed no concern for the interests of the house of God, only worrying about how I could avoid being arrested and passing off dangerous work to other people. All I could think about was my own safety, I didn’t feel like doing the work of handling the aftermath, and didn’t fulfill my responsibilities. It was only because other brothers and sisters ended up transferring the books of God’s words in time that the church’s interests were not compromised. I was living according to Satan’s poisons and had become incredibly selfish, despicable and completely lacking in humanity. Time after time, I failed to practice the truth, didn’t have the slightest loyalty to my duty and God hated and was disgusted with my behavior. If I still didn’t repent and transform, I would lose my chance at salvation. It was then that I realized how deeply corrupted my disposition was and that this dismissal was God’s way of saving me.

I then came across this passage of God’s words: “How did those disciples of the Lord Jesus die? Among the disciples, there were those who were stoned, dragged behind a horse, crucified upside down, dismembered by five horses—every sort of death befell them. What was the reason for their deaths? Were they lawfully executed for their crimes? No. They were condemned, beaten, scolded, and put to death because they spread the Lord’s gospel and were rejected by the people of the world—that is how they were martyred. … Actually, this was how their bodies died and passed away; this was their means of departure from the human world, yet that did not mean their outcome was the same. No matter what the means of their death and departure was nor how it happened, it was not how God defined the final outcomes of those lives, of those created beings. This is something you must see clearly. On the contrary, they used precisely those means to condemn this world and to testify to God’s deeds. These created beings used their most precious lives—they used the last moment of their lives to testify to God’s deeds, to testify to God’s great power, and to declare to Satan and the world that God’s deeds are right, that the Lord Jesus is God, that He is the Lord, and God’s incarnate flesh. Even down to the final moment of their lives, they never denied the name of the Lord Jesus. Was this not a form of judgment upon this world? They used their lives to proclaim to the world, to confirm to human beings that the Lord Jesus is the Lord, that the Lord Jesus is Christ, that He is God’s incarnate flesh, that the work of redemption He did for all humanity allows humanity to live on—this fact is forever unchanging. Those who were martyred for spreading the gospel of the Lord Jesus, to what extent did they perform their duty? Was it to the ultimate extent? How was the ultimate extent manifested? (They offered their lives.) That’s right, they paid the price with their lives” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Spreading the Gospel Is the Duty to Which All Believers Are Honor-Bound). God’s words clearly explain the meaning of being martyred for God. The Lord Jesus’ apostles and disciples were loyal to God unto death and gave up their precious lives to spread God’s gospel. They used their lives to bear witness to the Lord Jesus being God and give testimony to God’s work of the redemption of mankind. In the name of spreading the gospel of the Lord Jesus, Stephen was stoned to death and Peter was crucified upside down. Though their flesh perished, their deaths were meaningful and honorable. God commended how they used their own lives to bear witness for Him. Now members of the church were being faced with serious persecution and arrests and some brothers and sisters were being tortured and tormented upon being arrested, but they didn’t give in to Satan and would rather go to jail than betray God. As for Wang Lan, she preferred to die rather than become a Judas. By contrast, in that situation I only ever considered my own safety, prioritized my own life above everything else, didn’t have the slightest loyalty to my duty and didn’t fulfill my responsibilities. Though I wasn’t arrested and my life was preserved, I hadn’t borne witness at all and it was a humiliation to be alive. I felt incredibly guilty and was no longer willing to go on living such an ignoble existence. I also realized that God uses the great red dragon to do service and identify who is a true believer and who is a false believer, who bears witness and who does not and then separates each according to their kind. This is the wisdom of God’s work. After realizing this, I became determined to do my duty well and stand firm in my witness for God. I prayed to God, saying, “Oh God, I have been too selfish and despicable. Because I was terrified of being arrested and tortured, I didn’t protect the church’s work and committed an eternal transgression. Going forward, no matter what situation I face, I will put my life on the line to maintain the church’s interests. I will no longer live an ignoble existence. I am willing to put my life in Your hands and submit to Your sovereignty and arrangements.”

A few months later, I was once again selected as a church leader. After doing my duty for just a few days, I received a letter from my upper leader saying that the CCP had obtained a picture of me from a closed-circuit television recording. The leader advised me to refrain from showing my face in public unless absolutely necessary. After receiving the letter, I felt a bit worried, but it didn’t influence how I did my duty. If the work required me to go out, I would just disguise myself a bit and then go out to do my duty. Not soon after that, a number of brothers and sisters in my church were arrested and I needed to once again handle the aftermath. I realized that God was testing me. Despite feeling a bit worried and concerned, I thought about how in the past I had been selfish and despicable, passed off dangerous work to other people, left a permanent stain on my record with God and became Satan’s laughingstock—faced with the current situation, I had to repent and stop living like I had in the past. I quietly prayed to God, telling Him I was willing to rely on Him to handle the aftermath as quickly as possible. After that, I quickly made detailed arrangements with the group leaders to have the books of God’s words transferred and the brothers and sisters soon successfully transferred all the books. Practicing in this way, I felt much more at ease and knew that this tranquility derived from God. Two months later, over ten brothers and sisters were arrested, including a former church leader. Faced with this situation, I didn’t focus on maintaining my own safety as I had in the past, instead relying on God to handle the aftermath, protect my brothers and sisters and prevent the interests of God’s house from being compromised. I consulted with my co-workers regarding how best to quickly notify brothers and sisters to hide and transfer the books. With the cooperation of the brothers and sisters, the books were all successfully transferred. When I heard the good news, I felt so happy and gave thanks to God for His guidance! I thought back on how, in the past, I had protected my own interests at every point, shirked away from my duty and was revealed as a false leader. This time, I finally wasn’t constrained by my fear of death and was able to practice the truth and fulfill my responsibilities. It was all due to God’s words that I was able to make this transformation.