By Fengxian, China

In 2016, I was responsible for text-based work in the church. At that time, the results of a particular task were consistently poor, so the leader asked me to directly follow up on it. By relying on God and putting in actual effort in studying the principles, I soon saw an improvement in the work. Later, another task encountered problems, and the leader again asked me to take charge and resolve them. Hearing this, I was very pleased. Seeing that the leader entrusted all the difficult tasks to me, I felt I was a rare person of talent and a pillar of our church.

Later, our church was going to elect a leader, and I thought, “Will I be elected as a leader this time? Currently, I am doing the text-based duty, which doesn’t allow me to stand out or have any status. If I could be elected as a leader, it would be different. I would have the power to call the shots and make decisions, and the brothers and sisters would come to me with their problems and difficulties. Wouldn’t that be glorious! When I was in school, I wanted to be the class monitor, but that wish never came true. If I could be elected as a leader in the church, it would prove my abilities and fulfill my dream.” After that, I was particularly diligent in my duty, and I actively fellowshipped to solve any state the brothers and sisters had. When I received their approval, I was very happy, hoping they would vote for me during the election. But in the end, I was not elected. I felt very disappointed. Later, I heard the brothers and sisters say that I wasn’t elected because they felt I was immature and lacked depth in my life entry. So I quickly pondered how to make myself appear more mature and steady. In terms of life entry, I read more of God’s words that judge and expose people’s nature essence, hoping to learn and equip myself more, while paying attention to practicing the truth in daily life, so that everyone could see my progress and changes and would vote for me in the next election.

However, later, I still failed to be elected several times. In particular, one election resulted in Sister Siyu being elected as a leader. On hearing this I was very surprised, and thought, “Her caliber and work capabilities are average. How come most of the brothers and sisters voted for her? In what way is she better than me?” I felt jealous and defiant, and blurted out, “Is she capable?” Out of curiosity, the sisters all asked me, “Do you know her well?” Without thinking, I said, “I have worked with her before. I think her caliber and work capabilities are average, and I haven’t seen her write any good experiential testimony articles. I even doubt if she has any life entry.” After hearing this, the sisters all said, “If you know her well and think she’s not suitable, you should speak up. Church leadership is especially important; we must choose the right people.” The brothers and sisters all started discussing it. The next day, the sister whom I was partnered with sternly pruned me, saying, “What you said yesterday amounted to passing judgment on leaders and workers. Although Siyu’s life entry is shallow, she has good caliber, a right heart, and strives for the truth, and she carries a burden for the work. You didn’t measure her based on principles or take her current performance into consideration, but instead latched onto her past deficiencies. You speaking with ulterior motives like that has caused the brothers and sisters to be biased against Siyu, as if the church had chosen the wrong person. The nature of this is quite serious and amounts to throwing the election into disorder. You should reflect on this properly and come to understand it!” At the sister’s words, I felt my face burning up. Thinking that the nature of passing judgment on leaders and workers was causing a disturbance and undermining them, and was an evil deed, I was somewhat fearful. I dared not judge verbally anymore, but still refused to submit in my heart.

One time during a gathering, when a leader was fellowshipping, I noticed that everyone’s attention was on the leader. At that moment, I felt that the leader seemed to radiate light, and I fantasized about how great it would be if I were a leader. I looked out the window, my nose tingled and I almost shed a tear, thinking, “Ever since I came to believe in God, I’ve never been a leader. Why haven’t I had the opportunity? I’ve been doing so well, but I still can’t be a leader. God is unfair to me! What’s the point of me continuing to pursue in this way?” During that period, I felt very dark and dejected, and was unwilling to draw near to God or tell Him what was in my heart. Seeing the brothers and sisters in poor states, I didn’t want to fellowship and help them anymore. I still looked down on Siyu, feeling that her intelligence, caliber, and work capabilities were inferior to mine. “Why can’t I be elected as a leader?” I wondered. Without realizing it, I vented my dissatisfaction in front of my family. Seeing that I didn’t know myself at all, they pruned me, saying, “You’re pursuing status, and the more you chase after it, the more it will elude you!” I said defiantly, “On what basis?” After saying that, I felt scared: Wasn’t I openly clamoring against God? I didn’t dare to say anything more.

During one gathering, I openly exposed my state of having ambition and a desire to always want to be a leader. A sister fellowshipped her experience to help me, and she said, “We often think we are better than others, and wonder why they can be leaders while we cannot, feeling defiant and dissatisfied and even passing judgment on them behind their backs. The nature of this is opposing God and clamoring against Him.” Hearing the sister’s fellowship, I reflected on myself. I hadn’t been elected as a leader in all this time, and remained defiant in my heart, arguing with God, “On what basis do You not let me be a leader?” This “On what basis” was me refusing to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements, and opposing and clamoring against God. As a corrupted person, I deserved whatever treatment I received from God. Moreover, the leaders were elected by the brothers and sisters; not only did I not reflect on myself for my constant failure to be elected, but also opposed and argued with God. I was truly without reason! The leader also pointed out my problem, “You do your duty for the sake of pursuing status, becoming negative and resistant when you don’t get it. You are walking the path of an antichrist, so no one dares to elect you as a leader.” Every word the leader said pierced my heart. I felt very distressed and contrite. I prayed to God, “God, I am very afraid now. My pursuit of status disgusts You. Please have mercy on me. Let me know my corrupt disposition so I no longer argue with and oppose You.” Back home, I looked for words of God that expose the pursuit of status. I read these words of God: “Those who have misunderstandings or imaginings about God, or who have extravagant desires or demands of Him, are highly adulterated when performing their duties. They want prestige, status, and rewards, and if some big reward is still far away, and out of sight, they’ll ponder, ‘Since I can’t get it immediately, I’ll just have to wait and endure. But I should first get a little bit of benefits now, or at the very least some status. I’ll first strive to be a leader in the church, to be responsible for dozens of people. It’s quite glamorous to always have people circling around you.’ And so this adulteration in their belief in God appears. When you haven’t performed any duty, or done anything practical for God’s house, you’ll feel that you aren’t qualified, and these things won’t arise in you. But when you are capable of doing something, and feel that you’re a bit superior to most people, and that you can preach some doctrines, then these things will arise. For example, when a leader is being elected, if you’ve only believed in God for one or two years, you’ll feel that your stature is small, that you’re unable to preach any sermons, and that you aren’t qualified, so you’ll step back during the election. After three or five years of belief, you’ll be able to preach a few spiritual doctrines, so when the time comes to elect a leader again, you’ll proactively reach for that position and pray, ‘Oh God! I bear a burden, I’m willing to be a leader in the church, and willing to be considerate of Your intentions. But regardless of whether I am elected or not, I am always willing to submit to Your arrangements.’ You’ll say that you’re willing to submit, but in your heart, you’ll think, ‘But it would be great if You’d let me have a go at being a leader!’ If you have such a demand, will God satisfy it? Certainly not, because this demand of yours is not a legitimate request, but an extravagant desire. Even if you say that you want to become a leader so that you can show consideration for God’s burden, using this excuse as your justification, and feeling that this is in line with the truth, what will you think when God doesn’t satisfy your demand? What manifestations will you display? (I’ll misunderstand God, and wonder why He didn’t satisfy me when I just wanted to show consideration for His burden. I’ll become negative, resistant, and I’ll complain.) You’ll become negative, and think, ‘The person they elected hasn’t believed in God for as long as I have, they’re not as well-educated as I am, and their caliber is worse than mine. I can also preach sermons, so in what way are they better than me?’ You’ll ponder and ponder, but you won’t be able to figure it out, so notions will arise in you, and you’ll judge God as being unrighteous. Is this not a corrupt disposition? Will you still be able to submit? No. If you didn’t have this desire to be a leader, if you could pursue the truth, and if you possessed self-knowledge, you’d say, ‘I’m fine with just being an ordinary follower. I don’t possess the truth reality, I am of average humanity, and I’m not very eloquent. I have a bit of experience but I can’t really speak about it. I want to speak more about it but I can’t explain myself clearly. If I do speak more, it’s likely that people will feel fed up with listening to me. I fall too far short of this position. I’m not suited to being a leader, and should just keep learning from others, perform my duty to the best of my ability, and pursue the truth with my feet on the ground. One day, when I have stature and am fit to lead, I won’t refuse if elected by my brothers and sisters.’ This is the correct state of mind. … No matter what you do, you must reflect on and come to understand your motives, your point of origin, your intentions, your aims, and all your thoughts, according to the truth, and determine whether they are right or wrong. These things all must have God’s words as their foundation and base, so that you don’t go down the wrong path. No matter what you want to do, or what you seek, pray, or ask for before God, it must be legitimate and reasonable, it must be something that can be put on the table and approved of by everyone. There’s no point in seeking and praying for things that can’t be brought out into the open. No matter how much you pray for those things, it will be of no use” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Pursuing the Truth Can One Resolve Their Notions and Misunderstandings of God). What God exposed was exactly my true state. When I first believed in God, I had no desire to be a leader because I felt my stature was small and I was unqualified. As I did my duty over time, I was able to speak some spiritual doctrines and saw some results in my work, so, I thought I had good caliber and capital, was a rare person of talent in the church, and should be elected as a leader. Thus, every election made me eager and I actively did my duty for the sake of being chosen as a leader. However, when I was not elected, my despicable intentions were completely revealed. Not only did I lose the burden for my duty, not resolving problems even when they were discovered, but I also felt jealousy and hatred, judged the newly elected leader, and even complained about God in my heart, believing that God was unfair and had buried my talent. I saw that I had no submission to God or God-fearing heart at all, and that my evil deeds were caused by the pursuit of status. If my intentions had truly been to safeguard the church work, even as an ordinary believer, I could have been considerate of God’s intention and quietly done my main job well. The facts showed that the source and starting point of my actions were both for status. I simply wanted to be a leader and have people revolve around me, and satisfy my ambition and desire to be an “official.” With such intentions in doing my duty, not only was I not elected as a leader, but I also failed to do my main job well.

Later, I read a passage of God’s words and gained some understanding of my problems. God says: “Why do all man’s misconceptions of God arise? They arise because people cannot measure their own capabilities; to be precise, they do not know what sort of things they are in God’s eyes. They rate themselves too highly and estimate their position in God’s eyes too highly, and they see what they consider to be a person’s worth and capital as the truth, as the standards by which God measures whether they will be saved. This is wrong. You must know what kind of place you have in God’s heart, how God views you, and the appropriate position for you to adopt when you approach God. You ought to know this principle; in this way, your views will be aligned with the truth and compatible with those of God. You must possess this reason and be able to submit to God; regardless of how He treats you, you must submit. Then there will no longer be any contradictions between you and God. And when God again treats you in His manner, will you not be able to submit? Will you still contend with and oppose God? You will not. Even if you feel some discomfort in your heart, or you feel that God’s treatment of you is not as you would wish and you don’t understand why He would treat you that way, nevertheless, because you already understand some truths and possess some realities, and because you are able to stand fast in your position, you will no longer fight against God, which means that those actions and behaviors of yours that would cause you to perish will cease to be. And will you not then be safe? Once you are safe, you will feel grounded, which means you have begun to walk the path of Peter” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Attitude Man Should Have Toward God). After reading God’s words, I realized that my misunderstanding and judgment of God, and my serious transgression, were due to my overly arrogant nature and overestimation of myself. I thought that although I had believed in God for a short time, I had caliber and work capabilities, had always been a supervisor, and whenever there was important work, the leaders would think of me. I regarded myself as a rare person of talent in the church, so I believed that I should be among the leaders. When my ambitions and desires were not fulfilled and I lost in several elections, I complained and thought God was unrighteous, constantly contending with God. I saw that I lacked self-awareness and could not measure my own capabilities. I had believed in God for a short time and had no work experience. Though I understood some of the professional skills, I was not clear about many truth principles. Every time I encountered difficulties, I earnestly prayed to God and sought principles. When I had the right intentions, I could unconsciously come to understand some things, which was the Holy Spirit’s enlightenment and guidance. But instead of thanking God, I regarded these as capital, boasting that I had good caliber and work capabilities, and should do the duty of a leader. I was truly lacking in reason and self-awareness. At the same time, I also realized that for church leaders and workers elected, they must at least have a right heart and good humanity, and pursue the truth. However, I had been pursuing status, and with several failures in elections, where God did not satisfy my ambitions and desires, I became negative and opposed Him, losing my burden for my duty when I failed to get a position. I was not walking the path of pursuing the truth and truly did not meet the conditions for being a leader. It was right for the brothers and sisters not to choose me. It also made me see that God was checking everything.

Next, I read a passage of God’s words, and gained some more understanding about my issue of constantly desiring to be a leader. God says: “What manifestations of vying for status are associated with this nature of disrupting and disturbing the work of the house of God? Most common is people vying with church leaders for status, which is chiefly manifested in them seizing on certain things about leaders and their errors in order to denigrate and condemn them, and purposefully exposing their revelations of corruption and the failings and shortcomings in their humanity and caliber, particularly when it comes to deviations and mistakes they have made in their work or when handling people. This is the most commonly seen and most blatant manifestation of vying with church leaders for status. In addition, these people do not care about how well church leaders do their work, whether or not they act according to the principles, or whether or not there are issues with their humanity, and are simply defiant toward these leaders. Why are they defiant? Because they also want to be a church leader—this is their ambition, their desire, and so they are defiant. No matter how church leaders work or handle problems, these people always seize on things about them, judge and condemn them, and even go so far as to blow things out of proportion, distort facts, and exaggerate things to the greatest extent possible. They do not use the standards that the house of God requires of leaders and workers to measure whether these leaders act according to the principles, whether they are right people, whether they are people who pursue the truth, and whether they have conscience and reason. They do not evaluate leaders according to these principles. Instead, based on their own intentions and aims, they constantly nitpick and invent complaints, finding things to hold against leaders or workers, spreading rumors behind their backs about them doing things that aren’t in line with the truth, or exposing their shortcomings. … What is their goal in doing all this? It’s not to help people understand the truth and discern false leaders and antichrists, nor to lead people before God. Instead, their aim is to defeat and bring down the leaders and workers so that everyone sees them as the most suitable candidate for serving as a leader. At this point, their goal will have been achieved, and they will just have to wait for the brothers and sisters to nominate them as a leader. Are there such people in the church? What are their dispositions like? These individuals are vicious in disposition, they do not love the truth at all, and they do not practice it either; they only desire to hold power” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (14)). God exposes that the disposition of those who compete for status is extremely vicious, and that they have no love for the truth whatsoever and have poor humanity. Reflecting on my behavior, I had been overwhelmed by my ambition and desire for power, neglecting my proper duty and continuously vying for status, while also judging the leader and disturbing the church election. On seeing that Siyu had been elected as a leader, instead of thinking about how to cooperate with her to safeguard the church’s work, I had been defiant and indignant, belittling her and looking down on her, and judging her with ulterior motives, hoping that the brothers and sisters would see Siyu as less capable than me, and incompetent in the duty of leader, so that I would have a chance to be chosen. This had ultimately led to the brothers and sisters forming a negative impression of Siyu, which had caused disturbance to the church election. After the sister’s pruning, although I hadn’t dared to casually pass judgment in the church anymore, my inner defiance hadn’t been resolved, and I had continued to vent in front of my family, truly lacking any ounce of reason! When I thought about it, I realized that those who are elected as leaders are in the process of pursuing the truth, and they all have their deficiencies and inadequacies. If I’d had a right heart and been someone who safeguarded the church’s interests, I wouldn’t have belittled or looked down on a leader when I saw her shortcomings, but would have harmoniously cooperated with her, so that we complemented each other’s strengths and weaknesses. This was what a person with humanity would have done. I thought of those evil people who had been expelled from the church. In their competition for status they had opposed leaders at every opportunity, often nitpicking, and sowing discord behind their backs, causing the brothers and sisters to develop biases against the leaders, which had ultimately led to the disruption and disturbance of the church’s work and their expulsion. Realizing this, I was deeply afraid, knowing that if I did not repent, I would be revealed and eliminated by God like those evil ones. I prayed to God in my heart, asking for His mercy and salvation. I then thought of some of God’s words: “Not having status is your protection. As an ordinary follower, you may never have the chance to do great evil, and the probability of you being punished could be zero. However, the moment you gain status, the probability of you committing evil is one hundred percent, as is the probability of you being punished, and then it’s all over for you, and you will have utterly destroyed any chance you may have had to attain salvation. If you have ambitions and desires, then you should hurry and pray to God, seek the truth to resolve the problem, rely on God and practice self-restraint, and do not revel in your position, and then you will be able to perform your duty normally” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Seven: They Are Wicked, Insidious, and Deceitful (Part One)). Reflecting on my repeated failures in elections, I realized there was God’s intention. My desire for status was too strong, and my nature was very arrogant. If I gained a position, anyone who didn’t listen to me or threatened my status would be suppressed or excluded by me. Eventually, I would commit many evil deeds and be revealed and eliminated like an antichrist. I felt that God not giving me status was a protection for me. God’s love was hidden behind these events, but I misunderstood and complained about Him. I didn’t know what was good for me, which really hurt God’s heart. After understanding God’s intention, I felt especially brightened and liberated, and the barrier between God and I was removed.

Later, I read these words of God: “Whenever you do anything, and in whatever context, you must seek truth, practice being someone who is honest and obedient to God, and put aside the pursuit of status and reputation. When you have the constant thought and desire to compete for status, then you must realize what bad things this kind of state will lead to if left unsolved. So waste no time in searching for the truth, overcome your desire to compete for status while it is in the nascent stage, and replace it with practicing the truth. When you practice the truth, your desire and ambition to compete for status will be diminished, and you will not disturb the work of the church. In this way, your actions will be remembered and approved of by God. So what am I trying to emphasize? It is this: You must rid yourself of your desires and ambitions before they flower, come to fruition, and lead to great calamity. If you don’t address them while they are still in their infancy, you will miss a great opportunity; and once they have led to great calamity, it will be too late to solve them. If you lack even the will to rebel against the flesh, it will be very difficult for you to set foot upon the path of pursuing the truth; if you encounter setbacks and failure in your pursuit of fame, gain, and status, and you do not come to your senses, then this is dangerous: There is a possibility that you will be eliminated” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). God’s words gave me a way to practice. I saw that letting go of status required seeking the truth. When I had ambitions and desires, I needed to replace them with practicing the truth. I must promptly rebel against my incorrect thoughts and ideas and quickly seek the truth to resolve my issues. I also realized that God determines one’s outcome not based on their status or identity, but on how much one has entered into the truth reality, and whether one has genuine submission to God and can live by His words when things happen. After understanding God’s intention, I was willing to submit. Since I was assigned to do the text-based duty, I should accept and obey and do my duty well in a down-to-earth manner.

In March 2023, the church held another election to fill leadership positions. Although I still had ambitions and desires, thinking this was another chance to run and hoping to be elected, I knew my desire for status was too strong, which could easily lead me to walk the path of an antichrist. I couldn’t keep pursuing status. I had to restrain and rebel against myself. I prayed to God to protect me from being constrained by status. If I were elected, I would do my duty properly. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t be negative or let it affect my duty. Whether I had a position or not, I was willing to submit and do my duty well. On the election day, my mentality was not to fight desperately for a leadership role. I fellowshipped my experience of pursuing status and expressed my disgust and loathing for my previous actions that resisted God due to my pursuit of status. After my fellowship, I sat there, feeling very calm. Unexpectedly, when the election results were announced, I had the most votes and was elected as a church leader. In the past, I would have been very happy, but now I knew this duty carried a great responsibility. I accepted it as a heavy responsibility, rather than enjoying the prestige that came with the position. I knew that this little change in me was entirely due to God’s salvation. Thank God!