By Xiaoxuan, China

December 31, 2022, Saturday, Sunny

Time has just flown by. It’s already been two months since I became a video work supervisor, and I didn’t even notice. I feel like I’ve gained a lot lately. Whether it be in resolving the states of my brothers and sisters, or fellowshipping on work problems, I feel like I’m getting more and more comfortable. It seems like I have some caliber and that I’m up to this task. Oh, by the way, it’s New Year’s Day tomorrow and Li Ran has to head back home for a couple of days to see to something. She’s been a supervisor for a long time and she always used to help me. But now that I’ve been practicing for a couple of months, I feel able to arrange work even without her by my side. The videos the brothers and sisters have been making lately aren’t up to standard and they’ve become negative. I need to write to them in fellowship as soon as I can. I hope they can understand God’s intentions and escape their negative states.

January 2, 2023, Monday, Clear to Cloudy Skies

Today I received letters from some of the brothers and sisters, saying that our fellowship really helped them and that moving forward, they are willing to improve their skills and do their duty properly. Reading these letters made me feel so happy, and I thought, “See, I really can solve some actual problems.” And I gave myself a pat on the back. Li Ran returned this evening. She asked me about how the work had been going over the last couple of days and reminded me, “Just resolving everyone’s states isn’t enough, we also need to fellowship with them on techniques and principles, or else they won’t be able to make quality videos.” I kind of agreed with what she said, but her frown and dissatisfied tone made me feel unsettled, “Didn’t you see that I just did something good? Why do you keep picking on this little mistake?” After hearing her say “You can’t just resolve people’s states and be done with it” several times, I started to get really uncomfortable, as if doing this meant I had a really low IQ. “I do things with consideration too. You’re highlighting a mistake made in a moment of thoughtlessness. Are you trying to make me look bad? It’s as if the work I’ve done over the last few days is of no value.” Li Ran was still summarizing problems in my work, but I didn’t want to keep listening, and I snapped back at her, “Well, if you’re so full of ideas, why don’t you just come out and tell me exactly how to do this?” Li Ran was stunned for a moment, and things became kind of awkward. I realized that I’d embarrassed her by saying this, so I said a silent prayer to God, asking Him to help me calm down and not act on my emotions. After our discussion concluded, I wondered, “Li Ran wasn’t wrong in what she was saying, but I still didn’t want to accept it when I heard it. This indicates a corrupt disposition, but how am I to resolve it?”

January 5, 2023, Thursday, Cloudy

Today, Li Ran asked me how my state had been lately. I said, “Fine, just a little low on energy and sleepy.” As soon as I’d said this, she replied, “Why are you sleepy? Don’t you need to reflect on your attitude toward your duty? You say your state is fine, but if your state were normal, why is the work you’re responsible for not getting any results? Your most recent video hasn’t come out yet either, so what are you spending all your time on?” Li Ran then drew on her own experience of being in a perfunctory state in her duty to fellowship with me. I felt wronged and had a lot I wanted to say back, “Am I being perfunctory? No. I’ve already recognized my perfunctory behavior and started correcting it, so why do you still think I’m behaving that way? The reason I’m not getting results isn’t because I’m not being attentive in my duties, I really do have a sense of urgency in what I’m doing, and it’s not as if I can just skip the research phase, is it? You keep picking at my problems and making a big deal out of them. Why don’t you see my progress? Do you expect me to be perfect?” After Li Ran’s fellowship, Shasha also spoke about how she had been perfunctory and had not borne a burden in her duties. The truth was, I displayed some of the behaviors she mentioned, but I didn’t want to admit this, and shot back, “I think I’ve been doing my duty pretty well lately. I haven’t noticed myself being perfunctory in my duties, as you say, but I’ll go pray and reflect, alright?” I realized how defiant I was being, and that this state was really bad, so I said a silent prayer, “Oh God, please watch over my heart. No matter who it is, so long as they speak in accordance with the truth, I should listen. I don’t want to resist the constructive criticism of my sisters anymore.”

January 6, 2023, Friday, Cloudy to Sunny

My heart is still heavy when I think about the state I revealed last night. “Why am I so hotheaded? Why can’t I stand to hear others point out my problems? What kind of disposition is this? Whenever somebody says anything about me, I fly off the handle. How can I do my duty or collaborate with others like this?” This morning, I watched an experiential video entitled How to Handle Being Pruned. It contained a passage of God’s word that really moved me. Almighty God says: “When an antichrist is pruned, the first thing they do is resist and reject it deep in their heart. They fight it. And why is that? This is because antichrists, by their very nature essence, are averse to and hate the truth, and they do not accept the truth at all. Naturally, an antichrist’s essence and disposition prevent them from acknowledging their own mistakes or acknowledging their own corrupt disposition. Based on these two facts, an antichrist’s attitude toward being pruned is to reject and defy it, completely and utterly. They detest and resist it from the bottom of their heart, and have not the slightest hint of acceptance or submission, much less any genuine reflection or repentance. When an antichrist is pruned, no matter who does it, what it pertains to, the degree to which they are to blame for the matter, how blatant their error, how much evil they commit, or what consequences their evil creates for the church’s work—the antichrist doesn’t consider any of this. To an antichrist, the one pruning them is singling them out, or finding faults to torment them. The antichrist may even think that they are being bullied and humiliated, that they are not being treated as a human, and that they are being belittled and scorned. After an antichrist is pruned, they never reflect on what it was that they have actually done wrong, what corrupt disposition they have revealed, and whether they’ve sought the principles they ought to abide by, acted in accordance with the truth principles, or fulfilled their responsibilities in the matter in which they are pruned. They do not examine or reflect on any of this, nor do they think over and ponder these issues. Instead, they approach pruning according to their own will and with hot-headedness. Any time an antichrist is pruned, they will be full of anger, disobedience, and resentment, and will listen to advice from no one. They refuse to accept their being pruned, and are unable to come back before God to know and reflect on themselves, to address their actions that violate the principles, such as being perfunctory or running amok in their duty, nor do they use this chance to resolve their own corrupt disposition. Instead, they find excuses to defend themselves, to vindicate themselves, and they will even say things to provoke discord and incite others” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Twelve: They Want to Withdraw When They Have No Status or No Hope of Gaining Blessings). God’s word says that because antichrists are averse to the truth, when they are pruned, or when others point out their problems, they staunchly oppose it. They are never able to reflect on their problems and always rely on their hotheadedness to handle things, and even fill their heart with fallacies, saying others are pruning them because they look down on and want to humiliate them. They are filled with complaints toward others. In comparison, my behaviors and those of an antichrist were the same. Li Ran pointed out that I was failing to grasp key points as I was resolving issues, and that I didn’t communicate enough on professional or technical matters. These were indeed issues worth focusing on. It was true that brothers and sisters’ professional skills and grasp of principles were lacking, which meant their videos always had to be reworked, and that this problem was indeed born of my negligence. After Li Ran finished making her suggestion, I should have quickly discussed how to correct this deviation, but because I couldn’t stand the tone she used when pointing out my problems, I felt like she was trying to humiliate and belittle me, so I couldn’t help but vent my dissatisfaction. I didn’t want to listen to anything she said afterward or recognize the problems she was pointing out. I thought that she was looking down on me and trying to humiliate and belittle me. Wasn’t what I was revealing the very same disgraceful behavior as those who don’t accept the truth and constantly make ridiculous arguments irrationally? People who really love the truth and are reasonable handle being pruned and their problems being pointed out with an attitude of acceptance. They are able to reflect and seek the truth to resolve these deviations as quickly as possible. Even if they can’t recognize these things at the time, they don’t lose their temper or keep making ridiculous arguments to try and overturn others’ criticisms. However, when my sister gave me some suggestions that would benefit the work, not only was I unaccepting, I believed she was trying to humiliate and belittle me. My understanding was absurd and unreasonable, and I didn’t pray to God or rebel against myself. Instead, I vented my grievances and dissatisfactions to embarrass my sister. I was being shrill, refusing to allow anyone to bother or approach me. This indicates a disposition that is averse to the truth and filled with viciousness. If I don’t correct this, God will surely spurn and eliminate me!

I recalled a passage of God’s word I had read: “Although, today, many people do a duty, there are only a few who pursue the truth. Very few people pursue the truth and enter reality as they do their duty; for most, there are still no principles to the way they do things, they are still not people who truly submit to God; they merely claim that they love the truth, and are willing to pursue the truth, and are willing to strive for the truth, yet it is still unknown how long their resolve will last. People who do not pursue the truth are liable to reveal their corrupt dispositions at any time or place. They are devoid of any sense of responsibility toward their duty, they are often perfunctory, they act as they wish, and are even incapable of accepting pruning. As soon as they become negative and weak, they are liable to abandon their duty—this happens often, nothing is more common; such is the way all who do not pursue the truth behave. And so, when people have yet to gain the truth, they are unreliable and untrustworthy. What does it mean that they are untrustworthy? It means that when they encounter difficulties or setbacks, they are likely to fall down, and to become negative and weak. Is someone who is often negative and weak someone who is trustworthy? Definitely not. But people who understand the truth are different. People who truly understand the truth are bound to have a God-fearing heart, and a heart of submission to God, and only people with a God-fearing heart are trustworthy people; people without a God-fearing heart are not trustworthy. How should people without a God-fearing heart be approached? They should, of course, be given loving assistance and support. They should be followed up on more as they do their duty, and given more help and instruction; only then can they be guaranteed to do their duty effectively. And what is the aim of doing this? The chief aim is to uphold the work of God’s house. Secondary to this is in order to promptly identify problems, to promptly provide to them, support them, or prune them, setting right their deviations, and making up for their shortcomings and deficiencies. This is beneficial to people; there is nothing malicious about it” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (7)). Thinking on God’s word made me realize that the brothers and sisters don’t point out problems and deviations because they are malicious or trying to ridicule and belittle people by exposing their shortcomings, but because they are being responsible for church work, and because everyone has a corrupt disposition, is unreliable, and is capable of involuntarily committing evil, violating principles by acting based on personal wishes, being perfunctory in duties, and delaying and disrupting church work, thus causing serious consequences. It’s been said that “When people are lost, they are scared nobody will guide them.” When people have someone around who often offers them help or prunes them in their duties, it is a great help and protection for them. Normally, when I follow up on one item of work and see omissions or deviations, I will point them out, and make people aware of their seriousness and consequences. I do this because I want people to do their duties well and to avoid deviations and delays in the work. Li Ran was pointing out my problems for the same reasons. In part, this was to help me attain good results, but it was done out of love and a sense of burden, and for my own good. I shouldn’t have resisted or gotten angry; much less should I have snapped at her. Just like in the beginning when the videos weren’t up to standard, this was mainly because people didn’t grasp technical principles. I was unaware of this problem, and when she pointed this out, I should have guided everyone in summarizing these deviations to learn some skills, but I never reflected on myself or summarized my problems and just snapped back at her. In what possible way was I being reasonable? I told myself that, moving forward, I should be accepting when others pointed out my problems and not be oppositional anymore.

January 7, 2023, Saturday, Sunny

Today a leader attended our gathering and discovered some deviations that had emerged during our work. For example, some brothers and sisters had a dispute over a video and we didn’t clear up this problem, simply providing some suggestions and allowing them to move on instead, resulting in the video not being up to standard, delaying the work. The leader also exposed and criticized us for not doing real work. Hearing all these problems being called out one by one started to make me really uncomfortable, and I realized just how numb I’d become. The problems that this leader was pointing out were the same ones that Li Ran had pointed out to me. But because I hadn’t wanted to listen and hadn’t taken them seriously, they’d gone unresolved. If I’d been able to accept her warnings then and discussed things in detail with her and sought a path of resolution, maybe these problems could have been solved and amended slightly, or at the very least, the work wouldn’t have gotten to such a terrible state.

March 14, 2023, Tuesday, Very Cloudy to Sunny

During one of my devotionals, I read some of God’s words regarding my disposition of being averse to the truth and I became more aware of the seriousness of this problem. Almighty God says: “In the church, there are those who think that making a big effort or doing a few risky things means they have accrued merit. In fact, according to their actions they are indeed worthy of commendation, but their disposition and attitude toward the truth are loathsome and repugnant. … God does not loathe people’s poor caliber, He does not loathe their foolishness, and He does not loathe that they have corrupt dispositions. What is it that God most loathes in people? It is when they are averse to the truth. If you are averse to the truth, then because of that alone, God will never find delight in you. This is set in stone. If you are averse to the truth, if you do not love the truth, if your attitude toward the truth is uncaring, contemptuous, and arrogant, or even repulsed, resistant, and rejective—if this is how you behave—then God is utterly disgusted with you, and you are dead in the water, beyond saving. If you really do love the truth in your heart, and it’s just that you are of somewhat low caliber and lacking in insight, a bit foolish, and you often make mistakes, but you do not intend to do evil, and have simply done a few foolish things; if you are willing at heart to hear God’s fellowship on the truth, and you long at heart for the truth; if the attitude you take in your treatment of the truth and God’s words is one of sincerity and longing, and you can treasure and cherish God’s words—this is enough. God likes such people. Even though you may be a bit foolish at times, God still likes you. God loves your heart, which longs for the truth, and He loves your sincere attitude toward the truth. So, God has mercy on you and is always granting grace to you. He does not consider your poor caliber or your foolishness, nor does He consider your transgressions. Because your attitude toward the truth is sincere and eager, and your heart is true, then—considering the trueness of your heart and this attitude of yours—He shall be ever merciful toward you, and the Holy Spirit shall work on you, and you shall have hope of salvation. On the other hand, if you are intransigent in your heart and self-indulgent, if you are averse to the truth, never heedful of God’s words and everything that involves the truth, and antagonistic and scornful from the depths of your heart, then what is God’s attitude toward you? Loathing, revulsion, and unceasing wrath” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. To Fulfill One’s Duty Well, Understanding the Truth Is Most Crucial). Having read God’s word I felt that God’s disposition is righteous and holy. God doesn’t despise people because they are foolish or lacking in caliber, and instead looks at their attitude toward the truth. If a person has great gifts and caliber and is able to do work, but they often reveal a disposition that is averse to the truth in their duties, and they are normally unable to accept the truth or reflect, then God will not like this person, no matter how great their caliber. God loves people who are willing to accept the truth, even if they lack caliber and cannot do great work. Seeing the standard by which God evaluates people, and comparing it with my behavior, I felt like I was in grave danger. I had been relying on my intelligence and caliber, and as a supervisor, I had been able to do some work and resolve some difficulties my team members were having with life entry, which made me feel like I knew what I was doing. But when others pointed out my problems, my pride took over, and I felt as if they were trying to belittle and humiliate me. My attitude toward others’ suggestions, positive things, and the truth had been contemptuous and arrogant, and I had disgusted God. I had already transgressed in my duties, and if I continued being so irrational and unrepentant, God would surely clear me out and eliminate me. This truly terrified me! I said a silent, earnest prayer to God, “Oh God, I wish to repent. I want to do my duties properly with my brothers and sisters, but my corrupt disposition is so serious. Please discipline me more and save me from the bonds of my corrupt disposition.”

March 21, 2023, Tuesday, Sunny

Today, I read a passage of God’s word that gave me a path of practice. God says: “You must first resolve all the difficulties within yourself by relying on God. Put an end to your degenerate disposition and become able to truly understand your own condition and know how you should act; continue to fellowship about anything you do not understand. It is unacceptable for a person not to know themselves. Heal your own sickness first, and, by eating and drinking My words more often and contemplating them, live your life and do your deeds on the basis of My words; whether you are at home or elsewhere, you should allow God to wield power within you. Cast off the flesh and naturalness. Always let God’s words have dominion within you. There is no need to worry that your life is not changing; with time, you will come to feel your disposition has changed a great deal. Before, you were eager to be in the limelight, you either obeyed no one or were ambitious, self-righteous, or prideful—these are things you will gradually be rid of. If you wish to cast them off right now, that is not possible! This is because your old self will not allow others to touch it, so deep are its roots. So, you must make a subjective effort, positively and actively submit to the work of the Holy Spirit, use your will to cooperate with God, and be willing to put My words into practice. … Do not be self-righteous; take the strengths of others to offset your own deficiencies, watch how others live by God’s words; and see whether their lives, actions, and speech are worth emulating. If you regard others as less than you, you are self-righteous, conceited, and of benefit to no one. What is vital now is to focus on life, to eat and drink more of My words, to experience My words, to know My words, to make My words truly become your life—these are the main things. If someone cannot live by God’s words, can their life mature? No, it cannot. You must live by My words at all times and have My words as the code of conduct for life, so that you will feel that acting by that code is what God takes joy in, and acting otherwise is what God hates; and slowly, you will come to walk on the right track” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Utterances of Christ in the Beginning, Chapter 22). God says: “It is unacceptable for a person not to know themselves. Heal your own sickness first.” The truth was that God had already made a path of practice very clear. When we are confronted with things, we should always come before God to reflect, know ourselves, and seek the truth to solve our problems. In the past, when others pointed out my problems, I’d immediately become hotheaded and unwilling to reflect, and I’d think “What you’re saying isn’t objective; that’s not how it is,” or else, “You might have pointed out my problem, but you are not necessarily any better than me.” I’d argue back and be defiant, and not view the situation as being from God, so I set myself against others and ended up gaining nothing. The truth is, even though the person pointing out my problem may reveal corruption and may sometimes say things that aren’t completely accurate, so long as they are partially in line with the facts in what they are correcting me on, I should accept it, reflect on myself, and seek the truth relating to the resolution of this problem. This is an attitude of accepting the truth. Only by practicing this way can my arrogant disposition that is averse to the truth be resolved gradually.

April 10, 2023, Monday, Sunny

Today, the leader wrote to me about our slow progress in making videos, saying that we were just going through the motions and not being attentive in following up on this work, that we weren’t looking into the reasons behind this slowness, and that we were neglecting our duties by doing so. My first reaction was to argue back, and I thought “We are resolving this problem, it’s just a matter of time. Besides, those making the videos have actual difficulties with techniques, so can you really blame us?” I felt wronged, but I realized that I was starting to resist and not accept suggestions again, so I kept praying to God, “Oh God, I’m so rebellious! I keep being irrational and can’t seek the truth to learn lessons. Oh God, please watch over my heart, so that I can accept the leader’s guidance and help.” After this, we went over the problem of slow video production together and finally found that our efficiency really was too low and that we were procrastinating too much. I usually just showered them with empty words to urge them on, but I never actually understood which parts they were slowing down on, which sections could be omitted, which parts were prone to getting stuck and wasting time, or how to correct the lax attitude some people had in their duties. By actually investigating and seeking the truth principles to resolve these issues, the work could progress at least twice as fast. I’d almost rejected others’ suggestions again, and if I actually had, these problems would have remained unresolved, and the work would continue being delayed. The more things I experience, the more I feel just how necessary it is to accept the advice of others and to reflect when things happen!

Looking back on my own experience, I am filled with a lot of emotion and see just how wise God is! Had Li Ran not pointed out my problem, I would never have realized just how serious my disposition of being averse to the truth was, and without God’s revelation and words of exposure, I wouldn’t have known to reflect on myself either. I would have just kept going further down the wrong path, and in the end, I would have been rejected by my brothers and sisters, and God would have eliminated me. It was God’s wonderful work that revealed my corruption and ugliness and it was God’s severe words of judgment that exposed my corrupt disposition, and allowed me to see my satanic disposition that was averse to the truth, and to wake up and turn around. This was all God’s love! Though I have still not changed much, I am willing to accept the judgment and chastisement of God’s word in the future so that I can gradually change.