By Zheng Xinjing, China

Dear Sister,

I hope this letter finds you well!

Last time you wrote to ask about my gains from doing my duties away from home over the past year. I have indeed experienced some things and gained some understanding of my corrupt disposition. Today, I want to share an experience I went through last summer.

At that time, Sister Mali and I were collaborating in the watering duty. Although Mali had just started with this duty, she was diligent, eager to learn, and simply opened up to seek help when she encountered problems she didn’t understand. At first, Mali’s questions were relatively simple, and I answered them actively and readily. Mali admired me, saying that I had a good grasp of principles, which made me quite pleased. Later, as Mali became more familiar with principles, she’d ask questions that I didn’t fully understand, and even when I had some opinions, I wasn’t sure if they were correct. I was afraid that if I answered incorrectly, Mali might look down on me, and think that I couldn’t even see such issues clearly, and that I didn’t understand the truth or the principles, which made me anxious whenever she asked questions. There were some questions I wasn’t clear on, so I would pretend not to have heard because I had headphones on, focusing intently on my computer and moving the mouse as if I were deeply engrossed in my work. Other sisters, thinking I hadn’t heard or was busy with something else, would answer Mali’s questions. At that time, I thought I was quite clever—this way, my shortcomings wouldn’t be noticed by the others, and I wouldn’t have to worry about losing face by giving a wrong answer. However, I also felt a little guilty. When Mali asked questions, she was genuinely seeking help, but I intentionally ignored her. Wasn’t this deceitful? Moreover, even if I didn’t understand something, I should be honest and seek and fellowship about solutions together with others, which would benefit both the work and my own entry. But out of fear of misspeaking and losing face, I chose to remain silent.

Sister, do you know? At that time, I felt like such a hypocrite, wearing a mask every day and not daring to show my true self, fearing exposure of my issues and being belittled.

Later, I encountered difficulties in my duty as well, and when newcomers raised questions that I didn’t know how to solve, I felt anxious. I wanted to open up in fellowship and seek help from brothers and sisters, but I was afraid that if I did, they might think I couldn’t solve such basic problems and didn’t understand the truth. Mali had previously praised my grasp of principles, so she might think she had misjudged me. I knew if I didn’t speak up, the newcomers’ issues wouldn’t be resolved, and that their lives would suffer! But opening up about my difficulties felt especially hard. I felt that proactively revealing my shortcomings would make me appear weak. Ultimately, I couldn’t bring myself to speak up. Because I didn’t dare to disclose my difficulties, the newcomers’ problems went unresolved, some even stopped attending gatherings, and I felt inadequate in my duty. I fell into a negative state, which was very painful. During that time, I longed so much to talk freely about my difficulties and my state without any concerns. I also asked myself, “Why is it so difficult to speak the truth and about facts and to act in a straightforward way?”

Once, Mali and I were discussing whether a sister could be cultivated to water newcomers, and I shared my viewpoint. Afterward, I reflected on the principles and realized that my viewpoint was somewhat inaccurate and might misguide Mali. I panicked a bit and thought, “What should I do now? Should I correct this? If I don’t say anything, Mali won’t know that I misunderstood the principles, and I won’t lose face in front of her. But if I do that, and we end up cultivating an unsuitable person, wouldn’t it be irresponsible toward the work and harmful to the brothers and sisters?” At that moment, I felt caught in a dilemma that couldn’t be undone. Then I thought of these words of God: “Making a fool of yourself is a good thing. It helps you to see your own deficiencies and your love of vanity. It shows you where your problems lie and it helps you to understand clearly that you are not a perfect person. There are no perfect people and making a fool of yourself is very normal. All people experience times where they make a fool of themselves or are embarrassed. All people fail, experience setbacks, and have weaknesses. Making a fool of yourself is not bad. … You may make a fool of yourself, others may make fools of themselves, everyone may make a fool of themselves—eventually you will discover that everyone is the same, all are ordinary people, all mortals, that no one is greater than anyone else, and no one is any better than anyone else. Everyone makes a fool of themselves sometimes, so no one should make fun of anyone else. Once you have experienced numerous failures, you gradually mature in your humanity; so whenever you encounter these things again, you will no longer be constrained, and they will not have an impact on the normal performance of your duty. Your humanity will be normal, and when your humanity is normal, your reason will be normal too” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (2)). God’s words made me realize that none of us are perfect and that everyone has shortcomings. There will always be times when we deviate or appear foolish in what we do and how we view problems. These things are perfectly normal. However, I didn’t see myself as an ordinary person and couldn’t properly face my own deficiencies and shortcomings. Even though I didn’t fully grasp the truth principles and my advice to Mali contained some deviations and misguided her, I was reluctant to honestly admit my shortcomings, fearing that she would think I didn’t understand the truth and look down on me. In order to save face, I tried to cover up my problems, which was irresponsible toward the church work and the life entry of the brothers and sisters. I was truly deceitful! Realizing this, I opened up to Mali about the corrupt disposition I had revealed in this matter, corrected the erroneous viewpoints I had previously shared, and then proposed that we select people again according to the principles. Sister, although I lost face this time, by acting according to God’s words, I didn’t make matters worse, and my conscience was at ease.

Later, when summarizing the work, I mustered up the courage to fellowship about my state and the difficulties I had encountered in my work. The sisters read God’s words to me to help resolve my state. Almighty God says: “What kind of disposition is it when people always put up a front, always whitewash themselves, always put on airs so that others think highly of them, and cannot see their faults or shortcomings, when they always try to present their best side to people? This is arrogance, fakery, hypocrisy, it is the disposition of Satan, it is something wicked” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). “Antichrists believe that if they talk too much, constantly expressing their views and fellowshipping with others, everyone will see through them; they will think the antichrist lacks depth, is just an ordinary person, and won’t respect them. What does losing respect mean to the antichrist? It means the loss of their esteemed status in the hearts of others, appearing mediocre, ignorant, and ordinary. This is what antichrists do not hope to see. Therefore, when they see others in the church always opening up and admitting their negativity, rebellion against God, the mistakes they made yesterday, or the unbearable pain they feel from not being honest today, the antichrist considers these people foolish and naive, as they never admit such things themselves, keeping their thoughts hidden. Some people speak infrequently because of poor caliber or simple-mindedness, a lack of complex thoughts, but when antichrists speak infrequently, it’s not for the same reason; it’s a problem of disposition. They rarely speak when meeting others and don’t readily express their views on matters. Why don’t they express their views? Firstly, they certainly lack the truth and can’t see through things. If they speak, they might make mistakes and be seen through themselves; they fear being looked down upon, so they pretend to be silent and feign profundity, making it hard for others to gauge them, appearing wise and distinguished. With this facade, people dare not underestimate the antichrist, and seeing their seemingly calm and composed exterior, they hold them in even higher regard and dare not slight them. This is the devious and wicked aspect of antichrists. They don’t readily express their views because most of their views are not in line with the truth, but are merely human notions and imaginings, not worthy of being brought out into the open. So, they remain silent. Inside they hope to obtain some light which they can release to gain admiration, but since they lack this, they stay quiet and hidden during fellowship of the truth, lurking in the shadows like a ghost waiting for an opportunity. When they find others speaking forth the light, they figure out ways to make it their own, expressing it in another manner to show off. This is how cunning antichrists are. No matter what they do, they strive to stand out and be superior, as only then do they feel pleased. If they don’t have the opportunity, they first lie low, and keep their views to themselves. This is the cunningness of antichrists” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Six). I saw God’s revelation about antichrists, that they do not understand the truth and never lay themselves bare in interactions with others, fearing the exposure of their shortcomings and deficiencies and losing their status or image in the hearts of others, so they pretend to be profound and noble, going to great lengths to conceal and disguise themselves, making it hard for people to see through them. They act deviously and have a wicked disposition—this is the nature essence of an antichrist. My state and behavior were the same as those of an antichrist, and I often disguised myself to save face and protect my status. Thinking back to when Mali first came, she asked relatively simple questions, and answering these did not expose my shortcomings, so I could answer readily, earning praise from her. As Mali mastered some principles, she started asking questions that I could not fully understand. I feared that if my answers were inaccurate, the brothers and sisters would see through me and I would lose the image they had of me. To avoid losing face, I employed a tactic of evasion, pretending to be busy or not to have heard the question to cover for my shortcomings, even attempting to cover up when my answers had deviations. Even when I faced difficulties in my duty and couldn’t resolve them, leading to delays in work and I became passive and weak, I still avoided opening up and seeking help. I worried that if the brothers and sisters knew of my shortcomings, they would think I didn’t understand the truth and look down on me. My lack of transparency in my work, constant protection of my face and image, and my pretending to be profound and grand, and disguising myself to mislead others—these were manifestations of an antichrist disposition! Sister, after reading God’s words, I realized how hypocritical and deceitful my nature was, and how serious my antichrist disposition was. I felt fear and disgust toward my corrupt disposition, and I prayed to God, “God, I have been disguising myself constantly to maintain my image and status in the hearts of others, and I have had no human likeness, which makes You detest me. God, my corruption is so deep. I pray that You save me and help me recognize myself and cast off my corrupt disposition.”

One day, I read a passage of God’s words, which gave me some understanding of the root of my corrupt disposition. Almighty God says: “When family elders often tell you that ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,’ it is to make you attach importance to having a good reputation, living a proud life, and not doing things that heap disgrace upon you. So does this saying guide people in a positive or negative way? Can it lead you to the truth? Can it lead you to understand the truth? (No, it cannot.) You can say with all certainty, ‘No, it cannot!’ Think about it, God says that people should comport themselves as honest people. When you have transgressed, or done something wrong, or done something that rebels against God and goes against the truth, you need to admit your mistake, gain an understanding of yourself, and keep dissecting yourself in order to achieve true repentance, and thereafter act in accordance with God’s words. So, if people are to comport themselves as honest people, does that conflict with the saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark’? (Yes.) How does it conflict? The saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark’ is intended to make people attach importance to living out their bright and colorful side and doing more things that make them look good—rather than doing things that are bad or dishonorable, or exposing their ugly side—and to prevent them from living without pride or dignity. For the sake of one’s reputation, for the sake of pride and honor, one cannot rubbish everything about oneself, let alone tell others about one’s dark side and shameful aspects, because one must live with pride and dignity. In order to have dignity one needs a good reputation, and to have a good reputation one needs to put up a pretense and dress oneself up. Doesn’t this conflict with comporting oneself as an honest person? (Yes.) When you comport yourself as an honest person, what you are doing is completely at odds with the saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark.’ … But when you don’t understand this truth, and don’t understand God’s intentions, the things that are conditioned into you by your family tend to dominate. So when you do something wrong, you cover it up and put up a pretense, thinking, ‘I can’t say anything about this, and I won’t allow anyone else who knows about it to say anything either. If any of you say anything, I won’t let you off lightly. My reputation comes first. Living is for nothing if not for the sake of one’s reputation, because it’s more important than anything else. If a person loses their reputation, they lose all their dignity. So you can’t tell it like it is, you have to pretend, you have to cover things up, otherwise you will lose your reputation and dignity, and your life will be worthless. If no one respects you, then you’re just worthless, cheap trash.’ Is it possible to comport yourself as an honest person by practicing this way? Is it possible to be completely open and dissect yourself? (No, it isn’t.) Obviously, by doing this you are adhering to the saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark’ that your family has conditioned into you. However, if you let go of this saying in order to pursue the truth and practice the truth, it will cease to affect you, and it will cease to be your motto or your principle for doing things, and instead what you do will be precisely the opposite of this saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark.’ You won’t be living for the sake of your reputation, nor for the sake of your dignity, but rather, you will be living for the sake of pursuing the truth, and comporting yourself as an honest person, and seeking to satisfy God and live as a true created being. If you adhere to this principle, you will have let go of the conditioning effects that your family exerts on you” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (12)). Through the exposure of God’s words, I realized that I had been living according to the saying “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,” which I took as my life motto. Since childhood, my parents taught me “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,” that “Face is priceless,” and that “One must not lose face no matter what.” Influenced by my parents’ long-term teachings and erroneous ideas, I came to view face as the most important thing, believing that living with dignity and respect meant gaining face and earning people’s admiration and praise. I remember when I was in school, during a music class, I was asked to sing on stage. A classmate said I sang as if I were reading a text. I felt publicly humiliated, as if I had been slapped, and wished I could disappear into a crack in the ground. From then on, I never sang again, so others wouldn’t discover that I sang off-key. After I began to believe in God, I knew that God values honesty, but I continued to live by the satanic philosophy of “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark.” I weighed action and word by its impact on my face and status. If it revealed my shortcomings and caused embarrassment, I would go to great lengths to conceal and disguise myself, even preferring to delay church work and harm brothers and sisters, than to lose face. I became slick, deceitful, and selfish, and lived without any true human likeness. The opportunity God gave me to perform my duties was meant to help me seek the truth and resolve actual issues. Despite my many shortcomings, if I could let go of my pride, open up, and seek fellowship, I would gain some understanding and entry into the truth, and increasingly master the principles to perform my duties well. However, I was too concerned with my face and status. When facing difficulties, I didn’t open up, seek, or openly fellowship on my incorrect viewpoints, resulting in unresolved issues, no progress being made in the truth or principles, and many missed opportunities to gain the truth. I valued my face more than anything else, and wasn’t even able to speak a word of honesty for the sake of my image. I lived without any dignity, which not only delayed my life entry but also harmed the church’s work. I no longer wanted to live bound by my corrupt dispositions and was willing to practice the truth and be an honest person.

Later, during my devotionals, I read God’s words and found a path to practice. Almighty God says: “You must seek the truth to resolve any problem that arises, no matter what it is, and by no means disguise yourself or put on a false face for others. Your shortcomings, your deficiencies, your faults, your corrupt dispositions—be completely open about them all, and fellowship about them all. Do not keep them inside. Learning how to open yourself up is the first step toward life entry, and it is the first hurdle, which is the most difficult to overcome. Once you have overcome it, entering the truth is easy. What does taking this step signify? It means that you are opening your heart and showing everything you have, good or bad, positive or negative; baring yourself for others and for God to see; hiding nothing from God, concealing nothing, disguising nothing, free of deceit and trickery, and being likewise open and honest with other people. In this way, you live in the light, and not only will God scrutinize you, but other people will also be able to see that you act with principle and a degree of transparency. You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts. If you can let these things go, you will be very relaxed, you will live without constraints or pain, and you will live entirely in the light” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). “If you want to comport yourself as an honest person, don’t attach importance to pride; a person’s pride isn’t worth a cent. Faced with the truth, one should expose oneself, not put up a pretense or create a false image. One must reveal to God one’s true thoughts, the mistakes one has made, the aspects that violate the truth principles, and so on, and also lay these things bare to one’s brothers and sisters. It is not a matter of living for the sake of one’s reputation, but rather, it is a matter of living for the sake of comporting oneself as an honest person, living for the sake of pursuing the truth, living for the sake of being a true created being, and living for the sake of satisfying God and being saved. … You won’t be living for the sake of your reputation, nor for the sake of your dignity, but rather, you will be living for the sake of pursuing the truth, and comporting yourself as an honest person, and seeking to satisfy God and live as a true created being. If you adhere to this principle, you will have let go of the conditioning effects that your family exerts on you” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (12)). God’s words made me understand the principles of practice of how to conduct oneself as a person. God likes honest people. Whether interacting with others or doing our duties, we should not disguise or cover up our shortcomings and inadequacies for the sake of our face and status. Even if we make mistakes or don’t understand the truth and can’t see things clearly, we shouldn’t hide or cover it up. Instead, we should be open and honest, admit what we can’t see clearly, and speak according to our understanding. If the suggestions or viewpoints we offer have deviations, we should face them calmly and accept the guidance from brothers and sisters, rather than living for the sake of our face. Opening up about our difficulties and shortcomings is not a shameful thing, nor is it a sign of weakness. It is a manifestation of seeking the truth. Correctly facing our shortcomings and letting go of our pride to practice the truth makes us straightforward and facilitates quicker entry into truth reality. After reading these words from God, I felt I had a path to practice. I prayed to God, “God, I am not an honest person. I have done many hypocritical and deceitful things to save face, which makes You sick and disgusted. I wish to repent, pursue the truth, and be an honest person.”

One day, while I was doing my duty with several brothers and sisters, Mali asked a question seeking fellowship. After listening, I felt it was a bit challenging and was unsure whether my view was appropriate. I began to feel nervous again, thinking, “Should I answer or not? If I don’t answer well, won’t I lose face? Maybe I should wait for the other sisters to answer.” But then I thought, “If I continue to keep silent, evade, and disguise myself to save face, I will still be living according to a corrupt disposition.” I recalled this passage of God’s words: “How is your experience of being honest people going now? Have you achieved a few results? (Sometimes I practice being honest, but sometimes I forget.) Can you forget to practice the truth? If you can forget it, what kind of problem does that illustrate? Do you love the truth or not? If you do not love the truth, it will be difficult for you to enter into the truth reality. You must take practicing the truth and practicing being an honest person seriously. You should frequently contemplate how to be an honest person and what reason you ought to possess. God demands that people be honest, and they should pursue honesty as a matter of utmost importance. They should be clear on and understand what truths they need to possess and what realities they need to enter into in order to be honest individuals and to live out the likeness of Peter, and they must find a path of practice. Only then will they have any hope of becoming an honest person and someone that God loves” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Path of Resolving a Corrupt Disposition). I silently prayed to God in my heart, telling Him that this time I could no longer be constrained by my pride. I needed to be open and honest. Then, I spoke up and shared my views and opinions. After I finished, other sisters added their thoughts based on what I had fellowshipped. Through everyone’s fellowship, Mali’s problem was resolved, and a smile appeared on her face. At that moment, when I spoke up in fellowship, I felt a tremendous sense of relief. It felt like I had finally broken free from the constraints of vanity and pride and taken a step toward being an honest person. Later, when Mali asked more questions, I sometimes still feared making mistakes and losing face. Whenever I realized this, I prayed to God for help to rebel against myself, set aside my pride, and actively answer the sister’s questions. Sometimes my viewpoints were wrong, or there would be problems I couldn’t see clearly and my answers would be inaccurate, and the sisters would offer additional fellowship. Although this sometimes made me feel a bit embarrassed, listening carefully to their fellowship clarified and improved my understanding. When encountering difficulties or problems in my duty, I also sought fellowship from brothers and sisters. They did not look down on or belittle me but patiently fellowshipped the truth to help me. I felt the release and ease that came from practicing honesty, and I found it much better to conduct myself this way. Thank God!

Sister, that’s about all for my experiences. I hope you will also write to me about your experiences and gains over the past year.

Sincerely,

Xinjing

June 10, 2023