By Rosalie, South Korea

I started watering newcomers in the church a couple years ago. I knew this was a really important duty, so I swore that I would put more effort into pursuing the truth, water the newcomers well, and help them quickly get their footing on the true way. Normally I’d read God’s words whenever I had the time, to equip myself with the truths on visions. In gatherings, I would earnestly ponder newcomers’ problems and difficulties, and look to God’s words to fellowship and resolve them. When I couldn’t understand or resolve something, I’d seek with other brothers and sisters. Over time, brothers and sisters who were new to the faith started seeking me out for fellowship when they encountered problems or difficulties. I felt really happy and that even though I’d only been performing this duty for a short time, everyone was looking up to me. It seemed that I wasn’t doing too bad, so I had even more enthusiasm for my duty.

Later on, the leader assigned Sister Natalie to work alongside me. I found after a little while that she took on a lot of responsibility in her duty and excelled at uncovering problems and deviations in our work, and that she was able to solve some problems. Everyone really liked her and would usually find her to fellowship with when they had issues. Seeing all this got me worrying: “Natalie is pretty new, but the others already think so highly of her. When they have problems, will they start only seeking her out, and not me? Will they think I don’t match up to her? No. I have to work harder so that everyone sees that Natalie isn’t better than me. It’s the only way to keep my place in everyone’s hearts.” After that, before every gathering I would first understand the states and the difficulties of the brothers and sisters, then work to find words of God and make notes on them. During gatherings, I was preoccupied with how to give better fellowship than Natalie so everyone would think I was more capable. To my surprise, one day the leader told us that the majority of the brothers and sisters had agreed to Natalie serving as group leader and taking on the responsibilities of the group’s work. I was stunned, and thought, “Did I hear that wrong? Natalie has been elected as group leader? I’ve been doing this duty longer than her but haven’t been elected. What will the brothers and sisters think when they find out? Will they think she’s better than me? How can I show my face again?” I just couldn’t accept that fact, and felt extremely distressed. I knew I shouldn’t think about it that way. But I was living in a state of pursuing name and status, and I couldn’t control myself. All I could do was try to comfort myself, “This is fine, too, all I need to do is perform my own duty well, and not worry so much.” At the time, I didn’t really seek the truth or reflect on myself about this.

Then one day, I found out that Sister Sadie was in a bad state, and wasn’t attending gatherings. I contacted her, hoping to fellowship with her, but she said she’d been in touch with Natalie and that they’d already fellowshipped about it. This was kind of upsetting for me to hear. “Sadie always used to come to me with her problems, but now she is going straight to Natalie instead. Does she think I’m not as good as her? If things go on like this, is everyone going to forget all about me?” This thought left me feeling really demoralized, and I developed a bias against Natalie, believing that she was stealing my thunder. I didn’t want to work with her after that. When she sought me out to discuss work, I’d give her the cold shoulder, and sometimes would just speak to her perfunctorily. Once, when we were in an online gathering, Natalie gave fellowship in response to a sister’s question, and I was so worried that she would upstage me that I wasn’t able to take any of it in. I just thought persistently about how to surpass her in fellowship, and let the brothers and sisters see that I could solve problems as well as she could. When Natalie was done, the sister who had posed the question said she still didn’t quite understand the specific path of practice. Hearing this, I gloated, thinking: “You fellowshipped quite a bit without resolving the real problem. Now you’ve got egg on your face. I need to jump on this chance to make a good show so everyone can see that I am better than you, and that my fellowship is better than yours.” I started to fellowship right away. When I was done, it became evident that I hadn’t understood this sister’s question at all, and my response was way off the mark. She even messaged me to tell me my fellowship had gone off topic. I felt like an idiot at the time and wanted to find a hole to crawl into. I got off the call right then because something urgent had come up. Later, I saw they were still online in the gathering and a malicious thought sprung to mind: “If Natalie keeps talking like this, who knows how long she’ll go on for. If I can’t be in the gathering, then no one can, or Natalie will be the only one in the limelight.” So, without really giving it any thought, I sent this message: “The gathering time is over, there’s no need to drag things out. We can discuss any problems later.” A few minutes later, the gathering had ended. I sat there in front of the computer feeling really unsettled. I was so embarrassed about the fellowship I’d shared, and I felt guilty when I thought about how I’d reveled in Natalie’s inability to solve the problem. I said to myself, “What am I doing? Instead of thinking about how to work with her to do our duty well, I am in a jealous struggle, both openly and secretly, and trying to undermine her. Is that doing my duty?” I came before God to pray: “God, I’m living in a state of vying for name and status, always competing and comparing myself with Natalie, and wanting other people’s admiration. I know this state is wrong, but I can’t escape it. God, please guide me to know myself.”

During a gathering, I saw these words of God: “When antichrists do a duty, no matter what it is and regardless of the group they are in, they demonstrate a distinct form of conduct, which is that in everything, they always want to stand out and exhibit themselves, they always tend to constrain people and control them, they always want to lead people and call the shots, they always want to be in the limelight, they always want to draw people’s eyes and attention to them, and they want admiration from everyone. Whenever antichrists join a group, regardless of its numbers, who the members of the group are, or what their profession or identity is, antichrists first take stock of things to see who is imposing and outstanding, who is eloquent, who is impressive, and who is qualified or has prestige. They evaluate who they can beat and who they can’t, as well as who surpasses them and who is inferior. These are the first things they look at. After quickly assessing the situation, they begin to take action, setting aside and ignoring those who are beneath them for the time being. They go first to those who they believe are superior, who have some prestige and status, or those with gifts and talent. These are the people they first measure themselves against. If any of these people are held in esteem by the brothers and sisters, or have been long-time believers in God and are in good standing, then they become targets of antichrists’ envy, and of course are seen as competition. Then, antichrists quietly compare themselves to these people who have prestige, who have status, and who command the brothers’ and sisters’ admiration. They begin to ponder such people, examining what they can do and what they have mastered, and why some people esteem them. Watching and observing, the antichrists realize that these people are experts in a certain profession, as well as the fact that everyone holds them in high regard, because they have believed in God for longer, and they can share some experiential testimony. Antichrists regard such people as ‘prey’ and recognize them as opponents, and then they form a plan of action. What plan of action? They look at the aspects where they do not match up with their opponents and then begin to work on these aspects. For example, if they are not as good at a certain profession as them, they will study that profession, reading books more, looking up all sorts of information more, and humbly asking others for instruction more. They will participate in every kind of work related to that profession, gradually accumulating experience and cultivating their own power. And when they believe that they have the capital to contend with their opponents, they frequently come forward to express their own ‘brilliant views,’ and often deliberately refute and belittle their opponents, to embarrass them and muddy their names, and thereby highlight how clever and extraordinary they are, and suppress their opponents. Clear-sighted people can see all of these things, only those who are foolish and ignorant and lack discernment cannot. Most people just see the antichrists’ enthusiasm, their pursuit, their suffering, price-paying, and external good behavior, but the true situation is concealed in the depths of the antichrists’ hearts. What is their core objective? It is to gain status. The target on which all their work, all their toil, and all the price they pay is centered is the thing in their hearts they worship the most: status and power” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). When I read God’s word, I felt that God could see my thoughts and feelings, as clear as day. I reflected on how, since taking on the watering work, I’d treated it as a chance to show off. I’d wanted to resolve others’ problems as a way to gain their admiration and approval. After the leader assigned Natalie to work with me, I hadn’t thought about how we could do our duty well together, and instead I was always competing with her and comparing myself to her. I was obsessed with who the brothers and sisters sought out for help, which of us had more prestige, or more standing among the others. I felt threatened when I saw how everyone looked up to Natalie and felt cast aside, so I started to see her as someone to compete against. I wanted to beat her and surpass her in everything I said and did, and I tried everything to get the brothers and sisters to think I was better than her. I appeared to be doing my duty, but I wasn’t thinking at all about how to do it well, how we could get the most out of gatherings, or if the difficulties and problems of my brothers and sisters had been resolved. Every single thing I did was for the sake of reputation and status. Isn’t that the disposition of an antichrist? Antichrists place status and prestige above everything. They envy, fight against, and compare themselves to anyone better than them. They’ll stop at nothing to trample, belittle, and smear anyone for the sake of status, to elevate themselves and show off. In everything I was doing, weren’t my ulterior motives the same as an antichrist’s? Doing my duty with that kind of intention was taking the path of an antichrist, and resisting God. Realizing this, I was overcome with regret. I didn’t want to keep going on that path, and wished to really seek the truth and resolve my corrupt disposition.

Later, I read these words of God: “In the camp of Satan, whether in society or in official circles, what is the prevailing atmosphere? What practices are popular? You ought to have some understanding of these. What are the principles and guidelines for their actions? Each is a law unto themselves; each goes their own way. They act in their own interests and do as they choose. Whoever has authority gets the final say. They do not give even a fleeting thought to others. They just do as they will, striving for fame, gain, and status, and acting entirely according to their own preferences. As soon as they receive power, they quickly exert this power over others. If you offend them, they wish to put you through the wringer, and you are unable to do anything but offer them gifts. They are as vicious as scorpions, willing to violate laws, government regulations, and even commit crimes. These are all things they are capable of. This is how dark and evil it is in Satan’s camp. Now, God has come to save humanity, to allow people to accept the truth, understand the truth, and break free from Satan’s bondage and power. If you don’t accept the truth and don’t practice the truth, aren’t you still living under Satan’s power? In that case, what is the difference between your current state and that of devils and Satan? You would compete in the same way that nonbelievers compete. You would fight in the same way that nonbelievers fight. From morning to night, you would plot, scheme, envy, and engage in disputes. What is the root of this problem? It is because people have corrupt dispositions, and live according to these corrupt dispositions. The reign of corrupt dispositions is the reign of Satan; corrupted humanity dwells within a satanic disposition, and no one is an exception. So, you should not think that you are too good, too meek, or too honest to engage in struggles for power and gain. If you do not understand the truth and are not led by God, you are certainly not an exception, and in no way will you, on account of your guilelessness or kindness, or because of your youth, keep yourself from struggling for fame and gain. In fact, you will also seek fame, gain and status as long as you have the chance and circumstances permit. Grasping for fame and gain is the signature behavior of humans who have the wicked nature of Satan. No one is an exception. All corrupt mankind lives for fame, gain and status, and they will pay any price in their struggle for these things. It is so with all who live under Satan’s power. Therefore, one who does not accept or understand the truth, who cannot act according to the principles, is one who is living amidst a satanic disposition. A satanic disposition has already come to dominate your thoughts and control your behavior; Satan has gotten you entirely under its control and bondage, and if you do not accept the truth and rebel against Satan, you will not be able to escape” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). After reading God’s words, I saw why I couldn’t stop myself from fighting for prestige and personal gain. It was because I’d been steeped in and corrupted by satanic views and poisons. Ever since I was little, I had been taught and instilled at home and school with ideas such as: “Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost,” “Man struggles upward; water flows downward,” and “One must endure the greatest hardships in order to become the greatest of men.” So I wanted others’ admiration no matter what group I was in, and I reveled in the feeling of being admired and approved of. I thought that was the only dignified, valuable life. I was still living by these satanic ideas and perspectives while I did my duty in the church. In pursuing others’ admiration, I’d treated Natalie as my adversary, obsessing over how to outdo her. I’d even resorted to doing heartless things, using underhanded means to disrupt her fellowship in the gathering. I’d always thought that climbing the ranks and being admired was the only dignified way to live. The facts had shown me that when I lived by these satanic poisons, my ambition and desires just grew and grew, and I became more and more narrow-minded until my behavior was despicable and particularly disgusting to God. There was not a shred of dignity in living this way. I finally saw how deeply corrupted I’d been by Satan. I couldn’t tell the difference between positive and negative things, and I’d lost my conscience and reason. Had it not been for the judgment and revelation of God’s word, I wouldn’t have reflected on and known myself, nor would I have seen clearly the consequences and danger of seeking fame and status. I would only have continued to live by satanic poisons, and who knows what kind of evil I would have done? From my heart, I thanked God for His guidance, and for giving me some knowledge of myself.

Later, I read another passage of God’s word, and within it I found the practical path to freeing myself from the bonds of fame and status. God’s words say: “When God requires that people fulfill their duty well, He is not asking them to complete a certain number of tasks or accomplish any great endeavors, nor to perform any great undertakings. What God wants is for people to be able to do all they can in a down-to-earth way, and live in accordance with His words. God does not need you to be great or noble, or bring about any miracles, nor does He want to see any pleasant surprises in you. He does not need such things. All God needs is for you to steadfastly practice according to His words. When you listen to God’s words, do what you have understood, carry out what you have comprehended, remember well what you have heard, and then, when the time comes to practice, do so according to God’s words. Let them become your life, your realities, and what you live out. Thus, God will be satisfied. You always seek greatness, nobility, and status; you always seek exaltation. How does God feel when He sees this? He loathes it, and He will distance Himself from you. The more you pursue things like greatness, nobility, and being superior to others, distinguished, outstanding, and noteworthy, the more disgusting God finds you. If you do not reflect upon yourself and repent, then God will loathe you and forsake you. Avoid becoming someone whom God finds disgusting; be a person that God loves. So, how can one attain God’s love? By accepting the truth obediently, standing in the position of a created being, acting by God’s words with one’s feet on the ground, properly performing one’s duties, being an honest person, and living out a human likeness. This is enough, God will be satisfied. People must be sure not to hold ambition or entertain idle dreams, not to seek fame, gain, and status or to stand out from the crowd. Even more, they must not try to be a person of greatness or superhuman, superior among men and making others worship them. That is the desire of corrupt humanity, and it is the path of Satan; God does not save such people. If people incessantly pursue fame, gain, and status without repenting, then there is no cure for them, and only one outcome: to be eliminated” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Proper Fulfillment of Duty Requires Harmonious Cooperation). Through God’s words, I realized that He doesn’t ask people to be famous or great. He doesn’t require them to accomplish anything incredible. God just wants us to honestly practice in accordance with His words, and fulfill the duties and responsibilities of a created being. Such a person is truly dignified in God’s eyes, and pleases Him. Man should worship and honor God as great. But I was always seeking a place in people’s hearts and trying to make them look up to and adore me. In doing so, wasn’t I going against His requirements and walking the path of resisting God? I lacked the truth reality. There were lots of things I couldn’t understand or resolve, and I was only able to spout a few doctrines, but I always thought highly of myself. I wanted to be looked up to and worshiped by others shamelessly, and fought for it when that didn’t happen. I didn’t know myself at all, and I knew no shame! God is the Lord of creation, and He is supreme and great. He has become incarnate and come to the earth to express the truth and save mankind. He’s done such tremendous work, but He still doesn’t show off or position Himself as God. He is hidden and humble. Seeing how lovely God’s essence is left me even more ashamed and guilty. I resolved to rebel against my flesh and practice the truth. I came before God and prayed: “Oh God, I’m always vying and comparing myself to others while performing my duty, and seeking status so that others will look up to me. This disgusts You, and I don’t want to live this way anymore. I want to put aside fame and status, and keep my feet on the ground while I do my duty. Please guide me.” After that, I sought out Natalie and opened up to her about my state and corruption. We fellowshipped on the importance of harmonious cooperation. In that moment, I felt so steady and at peace.

After that, I’d still get urges to compete while working with Natalie, but when these thoughts arose, I would quickly say a prayer and rebel against myself. I remember once when it was Natalie’s turn to host a gathering, I saw she was too busy to prepare, so I found some relevant words of God to address the others’ issues. I thought, “I was the one that found these passages. If the gathering goes well, will the brothers and sisters think it was Natalie who did all the work? Will they think she takes on more of a burden than me? Maybe I should host this one.” Just as I was thinking about this, I realized that this was me fighting for prestige and personal gain again. Then these words of God came to mind: “You must learn to let go and set these things aside, to recommend others, and to allow them to stand out. Do not struggle or rush to take advantage of opportunities to stand out and shine. You must be able to put these things aside, but you must also not hold up the performance of your duty. Be a person who works in quiet obscurity and does not show off to others while you loyally perform your duty. The more you let go of your pride and status, and the more you let go of your interests, the more at peace you will feel, the more light there will be in your heart, and the more your state will improve. The more you struggle and compete, the darker your state will become. If you do not believe Me, try it and see! If you want to reverse this sort of corrupt state, and to not be controlled by these things, you must seek the truth, and clearly understand the essence of these things, and then put them aside and relinquish them” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). God’s words gave me a path of practice. We have to learn to let go, to give up any opportunities to show off and let other people take the spotlight. Thinking on this, I sent her a message, saying, “Go ahead and host tomorrow, I’ll help with fellowship.” In the gathering the next day, I wasn’t thinking about how I was seen, but about how to fellowship on God’s words to help resolve people’s problems. Natalie and I fellowshipped together, complementing each other. Afterward, everyone said the gathering had been really beneficial for them. I gave thanks to God for this and felt the certainty and peace of practicing the truth.