By Shimai, China

Ever since I was a child, my reaction and understanding abilities have been quite slow. When I was in school and the teachers asked some complicated questions, I couldn’t react quickly enough and often gave the wrong answers. Therefore, my classmates often laughed at me and my teachers said I was stupid. From that time on, I felt that I was the least intelligent of my peers. The teachers also said that students like me who were bad at studying could only work for others or be farmers when we grew up, while those who were good at studying could be leaders or managers. These words hurt me a lot. My personality also became more and more introverted and I grew unwilling to speak and afraid of interacting with others.

In 2006, I accepted Almighty God’s work of the last days. When I started attending gatherings, I was afraid of being laughed at, so I didn’t dare to go first in fellowship. Most of the time, I was the last person to fellowship. However, my brothers and sisters did not look down on me, and instead encouraged me to fellowship more, so I stopped feeling constrained in my heart. Later, I got to do my duties. However, I constantly felt inferior because of my slow reactions and poor caliber, and my state was often affected when I did my duty. To start with, I was doing image-based duty. Every time I discussed images with the sisters I was partnered with, they would spot problems with the images very quickly and could make suggestions for changes. However, my reactions were slower and I had to look at them several times before finding problems. Sometimes, when we were exploring ideas for making images, I wanted to talk about my own views and ideas, but I felt that I had poor caliber and couldn’t spot key problems, so there wouldn’t be much use in me saying anything, and that I would even lose face if I said something wrong. Therefore, I rarely expressed my opinions.

One time, a sister I was working with asked me to evaluate whether an image needed to be remade. After looking at it, I felt that the visual effect of the image was pretty good, and there was no need to redo it. However, I then thought about how I had poor caliber and couldn’t necessarily spot problems accurately, so I asked the team leader to take a look. In the end, the team leader had a different opinion from mine and thought that there was something wrong with the concept of the image and it needed to be redone. I wanted to express my opinion, but I thought, “The team leader is of good caliber, has mastered many principles, and has better professional skills than me. I have been stupid since I was a child, and my ability to understand things is not good. It is probably me who assessed the image wrongly. I won’t insist. My caliber is poor anyway. If I don’t accept other people’s suggestions on top of that, that would be even more embarrassing. Forget it, let’s just redo the image according to the team leader’s suggestion.” I didn’t expect that the next day, the supervisor said that the concept of the image was appropriate and there was no need to redo it. She also found relevant principles and pointed out our deviations. I thought to myself about how I had also thought of the principles found by the supervisor at the time. If I had insisted, that would have been better. My partner spent a long time editing the image, but this was all wasted effort in the end, and even delayed other work. I felt a bit uncomfortable and self-reproachful, but I didn’t reflect on myself afterward. Another time, I was checking an image. After looking at it a few times, I felt that its visual effect was appropriate, and it only needed slight modification. However, several sisters looked at this image and said that the theme it expressed was unclear and it had no value. In my heart, I didn’t agree with their point of view, and wanted to state my own opinion. However, then I thought, “They are of better caliber, have a better grasp of principles than I do, and see problems on a more profound level than I do. I have been stupid since I was a child and am of poor caliber, so I must have looked at it wrong.” I also felt a bit negative, “Other people can all spot the problems and deficiencies, but I looked at it several times and didn’t see the problems. My caliber is just too poor. It looks like I am really not suited to doing this duty.” Unexpectedly, however, the supervisor looked at this image and said that it could be used after a slight modification. I then regretted not insisting at the time. Later, the supervisor asked me, “Why didn’t you express your point of view? This almost led to a valuable image being rejected! If you think your point of view is correct, please share your opinion and discuss it with everyone. Even if you say something wrong, it’s okay to correct it later.” When I heard what the supervisor said, I felt very uncomfortable. However, I was too tightly bound by my corrupt disposition, and so I still didn’t dare to express my point of view afterward. Because I was constantly living in a negative state due to my poor caliber, and was never willing to express my opinions in doing my duty, I didn’t make any progress for a long time and couldn’t shoulder the work. Later, I was dismissed. However, I didn’t reflect on myself; instead, this just confirmed to me that I had poor caliber.

In July 2022, the church arranged for me to do general affairs duty. I saw that although the sister I was partnered with was not well educated, she had fast reactions and was quick to learn things. She was also more efficient than me in doing her duty. I still didn’t dare to express my opinions when I was partnered with her. Sometimes, I would reluctantly say a few words, but if my sister put forward a different point of view, I would discard my own without a second thought. I was constantly timid and tentative in front of my sister, afraid that she would say that even though I didn’t understand anything I still talked nonsense and made a mess of things, so I was very passive in my duty.

I often thought, “Why do I live such a pathetic and tiring life?” Only in November 2022, when I read God’s fellowship on truths regarding resolving feelings of inferiority, did I begin to understand my own state. I read the words of God: “On the surface, inferiority is an emotion that manifests in people; but in fact, the root cause of it is this society, mankind, and the environment people live in. It is also brought about by people’s own objective reasons. It goes without saying that society and mankind come from Satan, because all of mankind lies under the power of the evil one, deeply corrupted by Satan, and no one can possibly teach the next generation in accordance with the truth or with the teachings of God, but rather does so in accordance with the things that come from Satan. Therefore, the consequence of teaching the next generation and mankind the things of Satan, besides corrupting the dispositions and essence of people, is that it causes negative emotions to arise in people. … Let us take the feeling of inferiority as an example. Your parents, teachers, your elders, and others around you all have an unrealistic assessment of your caliber, humanity, and personality, and ultimately what this does to you is attack you, persecute you, stifle you, restrain you, and bind you. Finally, when you do not have the strength to resist anymore, you have no choice but to choose a life of silently accepting insults and humiliation, silently accepting, against your better judgment, this kind of unfair and unjust reality. When you accept this reality, the emotions that ultimately arise in you are not happy, satisfied, positive or progressive ones; you do not live with more motivation and direction, much less do you pursue the accurate and correct goals for human life, but rather a profound feeling of inferiority arises in you. When this emotion arises in you, you feel you have nowhere to turn. When you encounter an issue that requires you to express a view, you will consider what you want to say and the view you wish to express in your innermost heart who knows how many times, yet you still cannot bring yourself to speak it out loud. When someone expresses the same view that you hold, you allow yourself to feel an affirmation in your heart, confirmation that you are not worse than other people. But when the same situation happens again, you still say to yourself, ‘I can’t speak casually, do anything rash, or make myself a laughingstock. I’m no good, I’m stupid, I’m foolish, I’m an idiot. I need to learn how to hide and just listen, not speak.’ From this we can see that, from the point when the feeling of inferiority arises to when it becomes deeply entrenched within a person’s innermost heart, are they not then deprived of their free will and of the legitimate rights bestowed upon them by God? (Yes.) They have been deprived of these things. Who exactly has deprived them of these things? You cannot say for sure, right? None of you can say for sure. This is because, throughout this whole process, you are not only the victim but also the perpetrator—you are the victim of other people, and you are also the victim of yourself. Why is that? I said just now that one reason for the inferiority that arises in you comes from your own objective reasons. Since you began to have self-awareness, your basis for judging events and things has had its source in the corruption of Satan, and these views are instilled in you by society and mankind and are not taught to you by God. Therefore, regardless of when or in what context your feelings of inferiority arose, and regardless of the extent to which your feelings of inferiority have developed, you are helplessly bound and controlled by these feelings, and you use these ways instilled in you by Satan in your approach to the people, events, and things around you. When feelings of inferiority are implanted deeply in your heart, they not only have a profound effect on you, they also dominate your views on people and things, and your comportment and actions” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). God really understands people’s states. My behavior was exactly like this. From when I was a child right into adulthood, I had felt that I was slow to react, stupid, and of poor caliber, so I didn’t dare express opinions, always shrank back, and was always afraid of making mistakes. All of this was caused by the inaccurate evaluation of me delivered by my teachers in school. When I was in school, because of my poor ability to understand and slow reactions, and because I didn’t get things straight away like my smarter classmates, in the teachers’ evaluation I was stupid and foolish. The teachers’ sarcasm and my classmates’ mockery made me feel very inferior. After I started to believe in God and do my duty, whenever I came into contact with quick-witted brothers and sisters, I thought that this type of person had good caliber and God would certainly like them. In contrast, I believed that my caliber was poor because I was slow-witted. I constantly lived in a negative state, and was very passive in doing my duty. Most of the time I didn’t dare to express my point of view, and when occasionally I did and someone raised an objection, I wouldn’t dare discuss my own ideas with them because of my feelings of inferiority, even though I didn’t entirely agree with them. I thought that the sisters I was partnered with were smart and had good caliber, so they would definitely see things more accurately than me, and I rejected all my own ideas. This negative emotion was like an invisible rope, binding me tightly and causing me to not dare to express the opinions I had. I was willingly being controlled by my feelings of inferiority, living a particularly pathetic life, and I couldn’t do things I was capable of. Ultimately I failed to do my duty well and was dismissed. This negative emotion had done me such great harm!

I read more of God’s words: “Whether it is inferiority or another negative emotion, you should harbor the correct understanding toward the interpretations that lead to the arising of this emotion. Firstly, you should understand that those interpretations are incorrect, and whether it is regarding your caliber, your talent, or the quality of your humanity, the assessments and conclusions they make about you are always wrong. So, how can you accurately evaluate and know yourself, and break away from the feeling of inferiority? You should take God’s words as the basis for gaining knowledge of yourself, learning what your humanity, caliber, and talent are like, and what strengths you have. For example, suppose that you used to like singing and did it well, but some people kept criticizing you and belittling you, saying that you were tone-deaf and that your singing was out of tune, so now you feel that you cannot sing well and no longer dare to do it in front of others. Because those worldly folks, those muddleheaded people and mediocre people, made inaccurate evaluations and judgments about you, the rights that your humanity deserves were curtailed, and your talent was stifled. As a result, you do not dare to even sing a song, and you are only brave enough to let go and sing out loud when no one is around or you are just by yourself. Because you ordinarily feel so horribly repressed, when you are not alone you dare not sing a song; you dare to sing only when you are alone, enjoying the time when you can sing out loud and clear, and what a wonderful, liberating time that is! Is that not so? Because of the harm that people have done to you, you do not know or cannot see clearly what it is that you can actually do, what you are good at, and what you are not good at. In this kind of situation, you must make a correct evaluation and take the correct measure of yourself according to God’s words. You should establish what you have learned and where your strengths lie, and go out and do whatever it is that you can do; as for those things which you cannot do, your shortcomings and deficiencies, you should reflect on and know them, and you should also accurately evaluate and know what your caliber is like, and whether it is good or bad. If you cannot understand or gain clear knowledge of your own problems, then ask the people around you with understanding to make an appraisal of you. Regardless of whether what they say is accurate, it will at least give you something to reference and consider and will enable you to have a basic judgment or characterization of yourself. You can then solve the essential problem of negative emotions like inferiority, and gradually emerge from them. Such feelings of inferiority are easy to resolve if one can discern them, awaken to them, and seek the truth” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). From God’s words, I understood that my teachers’ evaluation of me at school was inaccurate, and my own evaluation of myself was not objective. In order to resolve my feelings of inferiority, I had to have an accurate evaluation of myself, measure myself in accordance with God’s words, and listen to the evaluations and opinions of me that the brothers and sisters around me had. Only practicing in this way would be accurate. Therefore, I asked the sister I was partnered with to evaluate me. She said, “Actually, you’re not as bad as you say you are. You can also understand some problems and have some viewpoints and suggestions that are useful. Sometimes when I ask you why you hold a certain point of view, I am not saying that you are wrong. Instead, I just want to know what principles you are saying this in accordance with. However, you reject yourself every time. In the future, if you think that your point of view aligns with principle, you must speak up, and fellowship and discuss it with everyone. This is also being responsible toward your duty.” Later, I practiced expressing my opinions while doing my duty. My partner was able to accept most of the suggestions I made. My sister was faster than me at doing general affairs work, but she said she was not good at writing letters to fellowship with our brothers and sisters, and asked me to do more of it. Through praying to God and seeking and pondering relevant truths, I was also able to help my brothers and sisters solve some problems. At that moment, I felt that I was not completely useless: I can comprehend the truth; although my reactions are slower than those of others, with slow pondering I can also understand some principles, figure out some paths of practice, and do some duties. When I did duties afterward, my heart was not as repressed as it was before.

In May 2023, the leaders asked me to be the supervisor of the art team. I was very nervous. Did I have the caliber to be a supervisor? I wanted to refuse, but then I thought that God’s sovereignty and arrangements were in me doing this duty, and that I should submit. After training for a while, I saw that the two sisters I was working with were not only quick-witted and had good caliber, but also had strong work capability. I grew worried that my sisters might look down on me for being slow to react. I felt like I couldn’t play the role of a supervisor, and it would be better to just get my head down and be a team member. That way, I wouldn’t look so bad. The more I thought this, the more negative I became. I was also very passive in doing my duties. I constantly said that I wasn’t good enough and had poor caliber, hoping that the leaders would arrange for a person of good caliber to replace me. My heart felt very uncomfortable living in this negative and passive state. I thought about how urgent the work was, but I was still passive and not striving to improve. This was not protecting the work of the house of God! I had to hurriedly turn this negative and passive state around.

Later, I pondered. From when I was a child all the way to adulthood, I had always believed that my slow reactions meant my caliber was poor, which resulted in me always being passive and negative in doing my duty. Was measuring things in this way in accordance with the truth? I read the words of God: “How do we measure people’s caliber? The appropriate way to do this is by looking at their attitude toward the truth and whether or not they can comprehend the truth. Some people can learn some specializations very quickly, but when they hear the truth, they become confused and they doze off. In their hearts, they become muddled, nothing they hear goes in, nor do they understand what they are hearing—that is what poor caliber is. With some people, when you tell them they are of poor caliber, they disagree. They think that being highly educated and knowledgeable means they are of good caliber. Does a good education demonstrate high caliber? It does not. How should people’s caliber be measured? It should be measured based on the degree to which they comprehend God’s words and the truth. This is the most accurate way of doing it. Some people are silver-tongued, quick-witted, and especially skilled at handling other people—but when they listen to sermons, they are never able to understand anything, and when they read God’s words, they do not comprehend them. When they talk about their experiential testimony, they always speak words and doctrines, revealing themselves to be mere amateurs, and giving others the sense that they have no spiritual understanding. These are people of poor caliber” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. To Fulfill One’s Duty Well, Understanding the Truth Is Most Crucial). It turns out that being educated, quick-witted, and silver-tongued does not mean that a person has good caliber. God measures people’s caliber not by looking at their level of education or the speed of their wits, but primarily by looking at the degree to which they comprehend and accept the truth. People of good caliber have a pure comprehension and understanding of God’s words. They can reflect on and understand their own corrupt natures, and can find accurate principles of practice in God’s words when problems or difficulties come upon them. People of poor caliber cannot understand the truth, and cannot compare themselves with God’s words or know themselves. When things come upon them, they cannot find principles of practice, but can only spout doctrine and adhere to regulations. When I compared myself to this, I saw that most of the time my comprehension of God’s words is not distorted; it’s just that I have a shallower understanding of some issues, and I don’t comprehend things as quickly or understand them as profoundly as people of good caliber. However, I can understand them when someone fellowships about them with me. My caliber is not so bad that I cannot understand the truth, and can be considered average. Now I was doing the duty of a supervisor, and although I didn’t quite grasp some of the principles and had some deficiencies, the sisters I was working with had better caliber, and, by working with them, I could still do some duties. In the past, I didn’t understand the principles of measuring caliber, and passed verdict on myself as being of poor caliber when I saw how slow my reactions were. I lived in a negative state and didn’t want to strive upward. Not only was I unable to receive God’s enlightenment and leadership, I also delayed the work. Once I understood the truth in this regard, I was able to treat my own caliber correctly and rationally face up to my own deficiencies.

Afterward, I also pondered, “I have felt so inferior ever since I was a child. Other than some fallacious perspectives on things, what corrupt dispositions do I have?” I read the words of God: “Antichrists’ cherishment of their reputation and status goes beyond that of normal people, and is something within their disposition essence; it is not a temporary interest, or the transient effect of their surroundings—it is something within their life, their bones, and so it is their essence. This is to say that in everything antichrists do, their first consideration is their own reputation and status, nothing else. For antichrists, reputation and status are their life, and their lifelong goal. In all they do, their first consideration is: ‘What will happen to my status? And to my reputation? Will doing this give me a good reputation? Will it elevate my status in people’s minds?’ That is the first thing they think about, which is ample proof that they have the disposition and essence of antichrists; that is why they consider things this way. It can be said that for antichrists, reputation and status are not some additional requirement, much less things which are external to them that they could do without. They are part of the nature of antichrists, they are in their bones, in their blood, they are innate to them. Antichrists are not indifferent toward whether they possess reputation and status; this is not their attitude. Then, what is their attitude? Reputation and status are intimately connected to their daily lives, to their daily state, to what they pursue on a daily basis. And so for antichrists, status and reputation are their life. No matter how they live, no matter what environment they live in, no matter what work they do, no matter what they pursue, what their goals are, what their life’s direction is, it all revolves around having a good reputation and a high status. And this aim does not change; they can never put aside such things. This is the true face of antichrists, and their essence” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). God exposes that antichrists pursue reputation and status as their goal in life. In all situations, the only thing they think about is their own reputation and status. Looking at my own behavior, I saw it was identical to that of an antichrist. I particularly cherished my own reputation and status. Ever since I was a child, I have been slow to react, and my ability to understand is also poor. Because of this, I gave the wrong answers and was mocked by my classmates. After that I stopped wanting to answer questions, and was afraid that if I said anything else wrong, I would be looked down on. After starting to believe in God and do duties, I was just the same. When some deviations occurred in my duty and were pointed out by others, I felt that my caliber was poor, and when I did duties again I was unwilling to express my opinions, and even wanted to avoid my duty. When I did my duty as a supervisor, and saw that my reactions and work capability were not as good as those of the sisters I was working with, I wanted to get the leaders to dismiss me. Actually, I was protecting my own pride, worried that the leaders would see through me and realize I was not as good as the sisters I was working with in all regards via the results of the work. I realized that all I thought about every day was reputation and status. When the duty I was doing touched upon my reputation and status, I either felt negative and slacked off, or thought about escaping and betraying. Even if this hindered the work of the church, I didn’t care. I was walking the path of antichrists!

Later, I read more of God’s words: “Pursuing the truth is the most important thing, no matter from which perspective you view it. You can avoid the defects and deficiencies of humanity, but you can never evade the path of pursuing the truth. Regardless of how perfect or noble your humanity may be, or whether you may have fewer flaws and defects, and possess more strengths, than other people, this does not signify that you understand the truth, nor can it replace your pursuit of the truth. On the contrary, if you pursue the truth, understand a lot of the truth, and have an adequately deep and practical understanding of it, this will compensate for many defects and problems in your humanity” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). God says that pursuing the truth can make up for many of man’s shortcomings. For example, I react slower than others when things come upon me, and my caliber is not very good. These are inherent defects and cannot be changed. However, the reasons that the results of my work were not good were, in addition to shortcomings in my humanity, primarily because I didn’t understand the truth and didn’t have a grasp of principles. If I were able to seek the truth principle more on problems I didn’t understand, and let go of my pride, fellowshipping and discussing them with my brothers and sisters, I would also be able to understand more truths. This would be beneficial for my duty too. When I understood this, I no longer tried to evade doing the duty of a supervisor, and I was able to work more actively after that as well.

Once, we were fellowshipping about the latest principles for making images, and we needed to write a letter to our brothers and sisters to discuss and implement them. I thought, “This is the first time I need to write such an important letter since becoming a supervisor. What if I don’t write it well and there are deviations?” I was quite nervous. I realized that I was again living amidst feelings of inferiority, and so I prayed to God to adjust my mindset. Although I may not be able to write so comprehensively, I should take the initiative to work on it first, and then the sisters I was working with could remedy any deficiencies afterward. Later, I calmed down and thought as I wrote. While writing, I could see God’s leadership, and some principles were even clearer to me than they were when we had fellowshipped about them. I experienced that when you dedicate your heart to your duty, God will enlighten and lead you.

Now, I had been doing the duty of a supervisor for over a year. The duties of the sister who was originally my partner were reassigned, so Sister Li Yue came to partner with me. Li Yue had previously been my team leader when I was doing image-based duties. I thought about how bad I had been before, and how Li Yue understood me. What would she think of me when we worked together this time? I realized that I should not consider my pride. No matter what deficiencies I had previously, or what shortcomings would be revealed during the current period of working together, I had to face them calmly. Afterward, I took the initiative to introduce the workflow to Li Yue, and when discussing the work, I also took the initiative to express my opinions. During this period, when Li Yue and I disagreed, I just expressed my ideas. Some of my opinions were adopted, and some were not suitable. No matter whether they were accepted or not, I was able to understand some principles through fellowship. One day, Li Yue said, “When we were working together before, you didn’t express any opinions, and just did your own work. Now we meet again, I see you’ve changed a lot compared to that time.” Hearing her say this, I was quite touched. Without the leadership of God’s words, I would never have been able to cast off the torment of feelings of inferiority, and would never have been able to do my duty as actively as I am doing it now. These are all results achieved by God’s words. Thanks be to Almighty God!