By Su Wan, China

In November of 2020, I was elected as a team leader in charge of watering work. At the time I was so happy, and felt that being elected as a team leader meant that in terms of comprehending the truth and entering into life, I was more advanced than the other brothers and sisters. I wanted to do my duty well so everyone would think well of me. After some time, efforts to water newcomers achieved some results, and most newcomers attended gatherings regularly and did their duty. The brothers and sisters said that my fellowshiping about the truth was clear, and that I could resolve some actual problems. Hearing everyone praise me, I was very pleased with myself. But a month later, Sister Xiang Zhen’s arrival unexpectedly changed everything.

Xiang Zhen had been a church leader before, and fellowshiped clearly about the truth. She was a high-caliber person and a capable worker. She saw some issues and deviations in our work right after she came, and quickly found words of God to fellowship and resolve things. Gradually, I noticed the brothers and sisters would seek out Xiang Zhen for fellowship on their problems, and I started to feel annoyed. I thought to myself, “I’m the team leader, so if my fellowshiping about the truth and ability to solve problems aren’t as good as Xiang Zhen, what will everyone think of me? Will they think I’m not a capable team leader, and can’t resolve problems?” When I thought that way, I felt really humiliated and developed a bias against Xiang Zhen. I felt like she was showing off in pointing out the deviations in our work and resolving the brothers’ and sisters’ problems. I felt that she didn’t respect me—the team leader—and intentionally embarrassed and humiliated me. I thought to myself, “Even though you were a leader before and have some work experience, my caliber is not inferior to yours, and I believe I’m every bit as good as you.” To save face, in gatherings I tried hard to ponder God’s words, and wanted to fellowship better than her. When the brothers and sisters encountered problems and difficulties, I spent time finding God’s words to fellowship and resolve them, and thought about how I could talk about some good experiences so the brothers and sisters could see who really had the truth reality.

Once, at a gathering, a sister brought up a difficulty she faced in doing her duty, and wanted to find out how to resolve it. I thought to myself: “I need to hurry up and find some relevant passages in God’s word to resolve the sister’s problem. This time, I definitely have to make up lost ground and outdo Xiang Zhen.” But the faster I wanted to do so, the more confused I got. I flipped back and forth in the text, not knowing which passage of God’s word would be suitable. In the end Xiang Zhen fellowshiped with her and resolved her problem. I felt so frustrated, and as my face burned with shame, I just wanted to find a hole and crawl in. The more I wanted to prove myself, the more I made a fool of myself. I felt like I could never compare to Xiang Zhen, no matter how hard I worked. I was really suffering and depressed, and felt that in trying to do my duty, I had lost face. I also felt that everyone had completely seen through me, and the brothers and sisters definitely saw Xiang Zhen as a more qualified team leader than me. That being the case, maybe I should have just resigned as soon as possible to at least save face. I knew that I shouldn’t be jealous of Xiang Zhen, but I couldn’t control it. I was suffering and negative, and didn’t know how to escape the bonds of reputation and status. I even defined myself, and felt that since I had always pursued those things, maybe that was just my nature and I couldn’t change it. I wanted to open up to the brothers and sisters and seek a resolution to my problem, but I was afraid they would look down on me. I also didn’t want to admit to the brothers and sisters that I wasn’t as good as Xiang Zhen. So I was always negative, and developed a deeper and deeper bias against Xiang Zhen. When I saw how active she was in gatherings, I thought she was showing off, vying with me for status. The desire to ignore her got stronger and stronger. I even thought about opening up to another sister about my dissatisfaction, and getting her to take my side and judge Xiang Zhen. I was vaguely aware that by doing that, I was ganging up on Xiang Zhen. But I didn’t reflect on myself. One evening, I told a sister how negative I was. At gatherings it was usually Xiang Zhen who suggested which words of God we should fellowship on, so I felt she didn’t respect me. I felt constrained, and didn’t even want to be a team leader anymore. I thought that sister would take my side, but instead, she advised me to treat Xiang Zhen properly, and reflect more on my own problems. A few days later, when I saw that she got along well with Xiang Zhen, I felt uncomfortable. I thought to myself: “I shared so much with you, so how can you not be biased against Xiang Zhen?” That kind of thought surprised me. “How could I even think that? Am I not trying to form a clique and exclude Xiang Zhen?” The more I thought, the more I became afraid, and started to reflect on myself. Then I remembered God’s words: “What kind of disposition is it when a person sees someone who is better than them and they try to bring them down, spreading rumors about them, or employing despicable means to denigrate them and undermine their reputation—even trampling all over them—in order to protect their own place in people’s minds? This is not just arrogance and conceit, it is the disposition of Satan, it is a malicious disposition. That this person can attack and alienate people who are better and stronger than them is insidious and wicked. And that they will stop at nothing to bring people down shows that there is much of a devil in them! Living by the disposition of Satan, they are liable to belittle people, to try to stitch them up, to make things hard for them. Is this not evildoing? And living like this, they still think they’re okay, that they’re a good person—yet when they see someone better than them, they are liable to give them a hard time, to trample all over them. What is the issue here? Are people who are capable of committing such evil deeds not unscrupulous and willful? Such people only think of their own interests, they only consider their own feelings, and all they want is to achieve their own desires, ambitions, and aims. They don’t care how much damage they cause to the work of the church, and they would prefer to sacrifice the interests of the house of God to protect their status in people’s minds and their own reputation. Are people like this not arrogant and self-righteous, selfish and vile? Such people are not only arrogant and self-righteous, they are also extremely selfish and vile. They are not considerate of God’s intentions at all. Do such people have God-fearing hearts? They do not have God-fearing hearts at all. This is why they act wantonly and do whatever they want, without any sense of blame, without any trepidation, without any apprehension or worry, and without considering the consequences” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Five Conditions That Must Be Met to Embark on the Right Track of Belief in God). When I previously read that passage of God’s word, I never thought they applied to me. Then I finally saw that God’s word revealed my own situation. I never imagined I could be so treacherous and malicious. Seeing Xiang Zhen fellowship about the truth better than me, and resolve the brothers’ and sisters’ actual problems, not only made me unhappy, but also resentful and envious of her. I felt that her superiority made me lose face. To save face and protect my status, I was constantly trying to think of ways to outdo her. If I couldn’t, that led to a bias against her, and I judged her as showing off and trying to steal my status. I was trying to form a clique behind her back, and spread bias against her so everyone would isolate her. I was really arrogant. I couldn’t allow anyone to be better than me, and I would stop at nothing to hold on to my status as team leader. By doing that, was I any different from those antichrists who attacked and excluded others just for status? My understanding of the truth was shallow, and I couldn’t resolve actual problems. But I wouldn’t let Xiang Zhen fellowship and help everyone, so wasn’t I harming the brothers and sisters? I had no humanity! When I realized that, I felt guilty. I had let the brothers and sisters down. Then I mustered up the courage to open up and fellowship about my competition with Xiang Zhen for reputation, and apologized to her. She said she could tell I wasn’t very happy while she was fellowshiping during gatherings, so she felt constrained and didn’t dare to share too much, afraid that it would impact me. That’s when I realized my struggle for reputation had harmed her, and I felt guilty.

Thereafter I continued to seek the path of practice, and I read these words of God: “As a church leader, you do not merely need to learn to use the truth to resolve problems, you also need to learn to discover and cultivate people of talent, whom you absolutely must not envy or suppress. Practicing in this way is beneficial to the work of the church. If you can cultivate a few pursuers of the truth to cooperate with you and do all the work well, and in the end, you all have experiential testimonies, then you are a qualified leader or worker. If you are able to handle everything according to the principles, then you are committing your loyalty. Some people always fear that others are better than they are or above them, that other people will be recognized while they get overlooked, and this leads them to attack and exclude others. Is this not a case of being envious of people with talent? Is that not selfish and despicable? What kind of disposition is this? It is maliciousness! Those who only think about their own interests, who only satisfy their own selfish desires, without thinking about others or considering the interests of God’s house, have a bad disposition, and God has no love for them. If you are truly capable of showing consideration for God’s intentions, you will be able to treat other people fairly. If you recommend a good person and allow them to undergo training and perform a duty, thereby adding a person of talent to God’s house, will that not make your work easier? Will you not then be showing loyalty in your duty? That is a good deed before God; it is the minimum conscience and reason that those who serve as leaders should possess. … Do not always do things for your own sake and do not constantly consider your own interests; do not consider the interests of man, and give no thought to your own pride, reputation, and status. You must first consider the interests of God’s house, and make them your priority. You should be considerate of God’s intentions and begin by contemplating whether or not there have been impurities in the performance of your duty, whether you have been loyal, fulfilled your responsibilities, and given it your all, as well as whether or not you have been wholeheartedly thinking about your duty and the work of the church. You must consider these things. If you think about them frequently and figure them out, it will be easier for you to perform your duty well” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). From God’s word, I understood that leaders and workers have to learn how to identify and cultivate talented people. They cannot envy or suppress talented people to protect their own reputation and status, which God detests. Xiang Zhen fellowshiped about the truth clearly, and could resolve actual problems. That benefited the church’s work and helped the brothers and sisters enter into life. I had to be considerate of God’s intentions and let go of my own reputation and status, work in harmony with Xiang Zhen, and do my duty well. Being selected as a team leader was God’s grace, giving me a chance to practice. It didn’t mean that I understood everything, or that I was qualified for that duty. My understanding of the truth was shallow, and my inability to see through problems was normal, so I should have learned from Xiang Zhen. But I always saw myself as the team leader, thinking that I should be able to see into and resolve every problem, and couldn’t possibly be less capable than anyone else. So I was always struggling and competing with Xiang Zhen, and if I couldn’t do better than her, I would become negative and suffer. I was so foolish! God has actually never demanded that leaders and workers be able to resolve every problem. God hopes that I will be honest, fellowship only about what I understand, and come together with the brothers and sisters to discuss whatever I don’t understand. That is the practice that is in line with God’s intention. After I understood God’s intention, I stopped feeling so envious of Xiang Zhen, and was able to accept and implement any good ideas she had. When the brothers and sisters brought up their difficulties in gatherings, Xiang Zhen and I worked in tandem to fellowship and help them, and many problems were resolved.

After that experience I thought I had changed, and no longer paid so much attention to reputation and status. But I was so deeply corrupted by Satan that when I encountered the right situation, I returned to my old ways. In July of 2021, I was dismissed because I couldn’t do actual work, and Xiang Zhen was elected as the new team leader. Faced with this outcome, I accepted that she really was better than me in every way, and electing her would benefit the brothers’ and sisters’ entry into life. But after a while I saw that in doing her duty, Xiang Zhen took on a burden. When the brothers and sisters ran into difficulties and problems, she was able to fellowship with them and resolve their issues in a timely manner. She was also able to summarize deviations in our church life. That stirred up some feelings for me: “If Xiang Zhen is more effective than I was as a team leader, won’t that make me look even worse? What will everyone think of me? They will certainly think I lack ability and have low caliber.” Thinking that way at the time, I didn’t hope that church life would improve. During gatherings in the past, whether fellowshiping about knowledge of God’s word or summarizing issues in our work, I would always take the initiative to fellowship and inspire enthusiasm in everyone to do the same. But in gatherings during that period, I was always the last one to speak up. Sometimes when I gained a bit of insight, I was unwilling to talk about it, and would reluctantly say a few words at the very end. When Xiang Zhen asked me to elaborate, I didn’t want to say anything more. At that time, the brothers and sisters were running into difficulties doing their duty and living in negative states, but Xiang Zhen was too busy with work to deal with issues right away. I not only didn’t offer help, but actually took pleasure in her plight, thinking: “See—you’re really not such a great team leader. You’re no better than I am!” I saw that the brothers’ and sisters’ problems weren’t being resolved immediately, and church life was ineffective. But I didn’t help Xiang Zhen, and even hoped that kind of situation would continue. Then I saw Xiang Zhen quickly adjusted her schedule and resolved those issues. That made me really unhappy again, and I envied her even more. Gradually, I began to dislike her more and more. It finally got to the point that I didn’t even want to hear anything she said or any point of view she expressed. During gatherings, I’d turn and look the other way when she was fellowshiping. I knew I was becoming more and more envious, and that my disposition was malicious, which would both hurt her and impact church life. I didn’t want that to continue, but I couldn’t break free of my situation. In my pain, I prayed to God: “Oh God! I don’t want to envy Xiang Zhen, but I can’t help myself. Please save me so I can see through the dangers and consequences of pursuing reputation and status, and no longer be bound by my corrupt disposition.” Thereafter, I openly shared my wrong state with the brothers and sisters. After hearing what I said, Xiang Zhen said she never imagined I would do that to her, and she was hurt. When she said that, I felt so guilty. We had known each other for so long, and I had often envied her and judged her behind her back, but she didn’t argue with me. She forgave me, and fellowshiped on the truth to help me. I had been so malicious and inhumane to treat her that way.

One time in a gathering, I read these words from God: “Antichrists consider their own status and reputation as more important than anything else. These people are not only deceitful, cunning, and wicked, but also extremely vicious. What do they do when they detect that their status is at risk, or when they lose their place in people’s hearts, when they lose these people’s endorsement and affection, when people no longer venerate and look up to them, and they have fallen into ignominy? They suddenly change. As soon as they lose their status, they become unwilling to perform any duty, everything they do is perfunctory, and they have no interest in doing anything. But this isn’t the worst manifestation. What is the worst manifestation? As soon as these people lose their status, and no one looks up to them, and no one is misled by them, out comes the hate, jealousy, and revenge. They not only have no God-fearing hearts, but also lack any shred of submission. In their hearts, furthermore, they are liable to hate God’s house, the church, and the leaders and workers; they long for the work of the church to run into problems or come to a standstill; they want to laugh at the church, and at the brothers and sisters. They also hate anyone who pursues the truth and fears God. They attack and mock anyone who is loyal in their duty and willing to pay a price. This is the disposition of the antichrists—and is it not vicious? These are clearly evil people; antichrists are in their essence evil people” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Two)). God exposes the deceit, wickedness, and malevolent nature of antichrists. As soon as they lose their status or others’ support, they become envious and vengeful. Not only do they just muddle through in doing their duty, but also hope that there are errors in the church’s work so they can ridicule God’s house and the brothers and sisters. God’s words revealed my situation. After being dismissed, I could see that Xiang Zhen bore a burden in doing her duty, and that she could actively resolve the brothers’ and sisters’ problems. I was afraid that if she did a good job and church life improved, that would show I wasn’t as good as her. To protect my status and image in the hearts of the brothers and sisters, I was hoping that church life would be ineffective. So even if I clearly had insights, I wasn’t willing to fellowship about them. If Xiang Zhen couldn’t resolve the brothers’ and sisters’ problems promptly because she was busy with work, I didn’t help. Instead, I took pleasure in her plight, waiting to laugh at her. I envied her because at work, she was more capable than I was. I didn’t like anything about her, and totally rejected her. I was expressing the malevolent disposition of an antichrist! The effectiveness of church life is directly related to the life entry of the brothers and sisters, and they can only do their duty well when their situation is normal and they have entered into life. But to maintain my status in peoples’ eyes, I not only failed to support church life, but hoped that the brothers’ and sisters’ problems would go unresolved, and that they would be ineffective in doing their duty. I was so treacherous and malicious! Whether God’s house promotes or dismisses someone is based on work requirements. I couldn’t do my job, so I was dismissed, and then a more suitable person took it on. Not only did I not work well with Xiang Zhen, I even undermined her behind the scenes. I caused disruption and disturbance, and I hurt her. Was I even human? At that thought, I was filled with regret, and couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I hated myself for being so malicious, and didn’t deserve to live before God. I remembered that the Bible said: “Envy is the rottenness of the bones” (Proverbs 14:30). That is so true. Envy can make people hate, and even do unreasonable things.

That night, I read another passage of God’s word: “If you always disturb, disrupt, and undermine things that God wants to defend, if you always show contempt toward such things, and always have notions and opinions about them, then you are naysaying God and standing against Him. If you don’t regard the work of God’s house and the interests of God’s house as important, and always want to undermine them, and always want to cause destruction, or always want to profit from them, cheat, or embezzle, then will God be angry with you? (Yes.) What are the consequences of God’s anger? (We will be punished.) This is for certain. God will not forgive you, absolutely not! Because what you are doing is tearing down and destroying the church’s work, and this is in conflict with the work and interests of God’s house. This is a great evil, it is entering into a rivalry with God, and it is something that directly offends God’s disposition. How can God not be angry with you? If some people, because they are of poor caliber, aren’t competent in their work and unintentionally do things that cause disruption and disturbance, this is excusable. However, if due to your own personal interests you engage in jealousy and strife and intentionally do things that disrupt, disturb, and destroy the work of God’s house, this counts as a deliberate violation, and this is a matter of offending God’s disposition. Will God forgive you? God is doing the work of His 6,000-year management plan, and all of His painstaking effort goes into it. If someone opposes God, deliberately harms the interests of God’s house, and deliberately pursues their personal interests and their personal prestige and status at the expense of harming the interests of God’s house, and doesn’t hesitate to tear down the church’s work, causing the work of God’s house to be obstructed and destroyed, and even doing tremendous material and financial damage to God’s house, do you think that such people should be forgiven? (No, they shouldn’t.)” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part One)). From God’s word, I realized that His disposition does not tolerate offenses. To keep my status with everyone, I opposed Xiang Zhen without rhyme or reason. I was always hoping she would be humiliated, which impacted the church’s work. I was willing to sacrifice the church’s interests as the cost of achieving my own aims. This is resisting God. Just think—God paid such a great price to save mankind, hoping that humanity can gain the truth, change their life dispositions, and receive God’s salvation. Only when the brothers and sisters have a good church life and good people as leaders can they understand the truth, enter into the truth reality, and receive God’s salvation. But I wasn’t considerate of God’s intentions at all. When I saw that church life was ineffective, I was surprisingly happy, and even hoped that situation would continue. How could I have been so contemptible and malicious? The devil Satan hopes God’s work to save mankind fails, and the work of God’s house is paralyzed. It hopes that the brothers and sisters lose God’s salvation, and finally descend to hell with it and are destroyed. If I could think and act that way today, wouldn’t I disrupt and disturb the work of the church just like the devil Satan? God’s righteous disposition does not tolerate offenses, and if I continued on that path and failed to repent, I would certainly do even greater evil, offend God’s disposition, and be spurned, and eliminated by Him. That was when I really knew in my heart that pursuing name and status is not a good path. I remembered what God’s words say: “Satan uses fame and gain to control man’s thoughts, until all people can think of is fame and gain. They struggle for fame and gain, suffer hardships for fame and gain, endure humiliation for fame and gain, sacrifice everything they have for fame and gain, and they will make any judgment or decision for the sake of fame and gain. In this way, Satan binds people with invisible shackles, and they have neither the strength nor the courage to throw them off. They unknowingly bear these shackles and trudge ever onward with great difficulty. For the sake of this fame and gain, mankind shuns God and betrays Him and becomes increasingly wicked. In this way, therefore, one generation after another is destroyed in the midst of Satan’s fame and gain” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique VI). Before, I didn’t take my pursuit of fame and status seriously. I always felt I just wanted others to think highly of me, and would never harm the brothers and sisters or jeopardize the interests of the church. But now, the revelation of God’s word and the facts have shown that things are not as simple as I thought. Reputation and status are tools that Satan uses to hurt and harm people, shackles that Satan put on that controlled me, so I would rebel against and resist God at any time. If I didn’t pursue the truth and accept God’s judgment and chastisement, but kept chasing after those things, I would be ruined. Since ancient times, the pursuit of status and power has caused good friends to become enemies, and close relatives to become calculating and cruel to each other. I treated Xiang Zhen the same way. To preserve my reputation and status, I could never tolerate her. I vied with her both openly and in secret, and when I couldn’t outperform her, I would form cliques behind her back to judge her. When I saw that church life was producing poor results, I didn’t try to maintain it. I took a detached view, wanting to see Xiang Zhen fail so I could laugh at her. I was even willing to see the work of the church suffer to satisfy my desire for status. I saw that to walk the path of pursuing reputation and status is to oppose God. I was afraid, and knew that if I didn’t repent and kept pursuing reputation and status, disrupting and disturbing the work of the church, I could become an antichrist and be expelled from the church, losing my chance to be saved. I was so grateful to God once I saw that. In spite of myself, I was always chasing reputation and status. This time God was setting up a real situation so I could see the ugliness of my vying for those things, and I finally understood from personal experience the suffering and dangerous consequences of pursuing reputation and status. Through the judgment and revelation of God’s words, I also realized that His righteous disposition does not tolerate offenses, and in my heart, I wanted to break the bondage of reputation and status. I wanted to repent and change. Before, I always felt negative and weak, because I thought my desire for reputation and status was too serious to change, and I didn’t have the confidence to pursue the truth. Now I understand that even though I’m corrupt, as long as I’m willing to pursue the truth and change, God will guide me to understand the truth, cast off the shackles of reputation and status, and embark on the path to salvation.

Later, I read this in God’s word: “Do not always think about surpassing everyone, doing everything better than others, and standing out from the crowd in every way. What kind of disposition is that? (An arrogant disposition.) People always possess an arrogant disposition, and even if they want to strive for the truth and satisfy God, they fall short. Being controlled by an arrogant disposition makes people the most liable to go astray. For example, there are some people who always want to show off by expressing their good intentions in place of God’s requirements. Would God approve of that kind of expression of good intentions? To be considerate of God’s intentions, you must follow God’s requirements, and to perform your duty, you must submit to God’s arrangements. People who express good intentions are not considerate of God’s intentions, but are instead always trying to play out new tricks and speaking lofty-sounding words. God does not ask that you be mindful in this way. Some people say that this is them being competitive. In and of itself, being competitive is something negative. It is a revelation—a manifestation—of the arrogant disposition of Satan. When you have a disposition like that, you are always trying to keep others down, always trying to get ahead of them, always jockeying, always trying to take from people. You are highly envious, you don’t yield to anyone, and you are always trying to distinguish yourself from the crowd. This spells trouble; this is how Satan acts. If you truly wish to be an acceptable created being, then do not pursue your own dreams. Trying to be superior and more capable than you are in order to achieve your aims is bad. You should learn to submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements, and not get above your station; only this is a demonstration of reason” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). “What are your principles for conducting yourselves? You should conduct yourselves according to your station, find the right place for you, and perform the duty that you ought to; only this is someone with reason. By way of example, there are people who are adept at certain professional skills and have a grasp of principles, and they should take on the responsibility and make the final checks in that area; there are people who can provide ideas and insights, inspiring others and helping them to perform their duties better—then they should provide ideas. If you can find the right place for you and work in harmony with your brothers and sisters, you will be fulfilling your duty, and you will be conducting yourself according to your station” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). From God’s word, I found paths of practice. God grants different gifts and caliber to each person. He hopes that we will submit to His sovereignty and arrangements, and give full play to our skills in our own position. Xiang Zhen has a higher caliber than me, and can resolve actual problems. The work benefits from having her as team leader, and that’s a good thing. I haven’t entered into life very deeply, so I should work hard to improve, and do my best to do my duty well. That was the sense I should have had. I was always afraid people would say that I’m incompetent and low-caliber. This was because my nature was too arrogant, and I didn’t understand myself, or adopt the correct position. Xiang Zhen was focused on entering into life, and had love for the brothers and sisters. When she saw my problems, she was able to give advice and help me. I should treasure the chance to work with her, learn from her strengths, and focus on my own entry into life in the environment that God provided. Practicing that way would benefit my entry into life. With that kind of attitude, I gained a sense of freedom. After that, I no longer envied Xiang Zhen. In gatherings, I could actively fellowship and cooperate with her, fellowship about what I understood, and do my utmost to help the brothers and sisters. After practicing that way, I had a sense of peace and ease that I never felt before.

Going through that experience helped give me a better understanding of my corrupt nature. I saw that I was so deeply corrupted by Satan that I would stop at nothing to protect my reputation and status, and was truly sinister and malicious. When I was fighting for status and envied other people’s abilities, it was really painful. It was the judgment and revelation of God’s word that made me clearly see the essence of pursuing reputation and status, releasing me from the bonds of envy, so I could be more relaxed and free. I thank God from the bottom of my heart!