By Su Can, China

In June of 2021, I began training in watering newcomers. I knew I had a lot of inadequacies, so I’d often pray to God and dedicated myself to eating and drinking God’s words. After a little while, I came to understand some of the truth principles and was able to shed a bit of light on issues in my fellowship. My brothers and sisters all said I fellowshipped really well. Despite saying, “Thanks be to God! This was all God’s enlightenment,” I felt quite pleased with myself inside. I was always the most visible member at each gathering and the others all looked up to me—this gave me even greater enthusiasm to do my duty actively. Later on, I was paired up with Brother Xiang Ming. He was new to the faith and was still lacking when it came to fellowshipping the truth, so it was quite difficult for him when he first started training to water newcomers, but he was dedicated to pursuing the truth and progressed quickly. He was also a very straightforward kind of guy and would open up and lay himself bare when revealing his corruption, and he focused on seeking the truth and reflecting on knowing himself when he ran into issues. The brothers and sisters all judged him to be someone who pursued the truth. When I observed this, I felt a bit threatened: “Xiang Ming is such a go-getter—if this keeps up, he’ll catch up to me in no time. Then who will look up to me? This won’t do, I’ve got to quickly arm myself with truth. I can’t let him surpass me.” After that, I worked even harder than before.

One time, Xiang Ming said to me: “I’ve come to understand many truths while performing my duty alongside the brothers and sisters, and I feel so happy and liberated. I would really like to quit my job and start doing my duty full-time, but there are a few obstacles standing in the way and I’m not sure how to proceed.” When I heard this, I immediately thought: “If he starts performing his duty full-time, he’ll progress even faster and catch up with me in no time. What will I do if others start looking up to him and I get left behind? It would be better if he waited a little longer before quitting his job.” So I said to him: “We must practice submitting and waiting. Pray to God and He will prepare an opportune moment for you.” However, as soon as I said this, I felt a bit guilty. I thought: “Aren’t I intentionally obstructing Xiang Ming from pursuing the truth?” But I was still worried that he might threaten my status, so I didn’t say anything else. After that, Xiang Ming was able to resolve his issues by relying on God and quit his job just a week later. When I heard about this, not only wasn’t I happy for Xiang Ming, I actually felt a bit dejected. Because I was worried that Xiang Ming would steal my thunder, I held back certain things when partnering with him. When I saw certain passages of God’s words relevant to his state during devotionals, I wouldn’t share them with him as I had in the past. When he came to me with questions about problems he was having, I wouldn’t share all my insights with him, thinking: “It took me two years just to gain these few insights. If I tell him everything, he’ll progress too quickly and all the brothers and sisters will look up to him. What will I do if that happens?” After some time, Xiang Ming and I became less close. We stopped speaking as freely with each other and no longer helped each other out. Apart from when we had to in our duties, we rarely interacted. My state got a little worse and I didn’t get any clear sense of enlightenment when eating and drinking God’s words. At the time, however, I didn’t realize there was anything wrong with my state and didn’t come before God to seek and reflect.

Later on, due to the requirements of the work, Xiang Ming and I had to split up and water newcomers separately. When I heard we’d be splitting up, I secretly rejoiced: “Going forward, I won’t have to prepare content for gatherings with him anymore. Naturally, without my help he won’t progress as quickly. I just need to keep at it, improve my results and not let him catch up with me. Everyone will see that he’s incompetent and all the effort he puts in will just be in vain.” One time, after a gathering, Xiang Ming and I were chatting about how our gatherings were going with newcomers as we walked back home. He said he was feeling really down because some of the newcomers he was responsible for wouldn’t attend gatherings and he’d been unable to water them effectively. When I heard that, I thought: “He is having some issues and is becoming negative, I must help him right away.” But at the same time, I also secretly felt quite happy, thinking: “My gathering went quite well today, and the leader said I had fellowshipped really well.” Xiang Ming then asked me how my gathering had gone. I realized that if I told him it had gone well, he would just become more negative, but I just couldn’t help showing off a little bit. I wanted to show him how much further ahead of him I was and put a damper on his morale. So, in a self-satisfied tone, I told him, “My gathering went very well, actually.” When Xiang Ming heard that, he seemed to look even more depressed and didn’t say anything else. When I saw his dejected expression, I felt a bit guilty and thought: “Why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut? Won’t this impact Xiang Ming’s enthusiasm for his work? That was just awful of me!” When we got home, we fellowshipped a bit more, but Xiang Ming’s state still didn’t improve. I thought: “I fellowshipped with him as best as I could, so it’s not my problem if his state is still poor.”

A few days later, as we were walking home after our gatherings, I asked Xiang Ming how his gathering had gone. He said he had fellowshipped God’s words on the issue of newcomers not wanting to attend gatherings and it had gone well. Hearing this, I felt a little unhappy. I felt like this meant I couldn’t contrast my own successful gathering with his less effective one. And so, I just directly pointed out the issues in his fellowship. As a result, his state sunk right back into despondency after finally having made some improvement. Xiang Ming replied: “This is all I know right now, and I can only fellowship with the newcomers on what I know.” When he said this, I felt a little guilty, thinking: “I’m dampening Xiang Ming’s enthusiasm again! Given that he’s fairly new to the faith, being able to get some results from gatherings is a sign of progress. I should be encouraging him.” I really wanted to apologize to him, but I felt a bit embarrassed and worried about what he might think of me. Would he think I was a vicious person if I told him? After going back and forth on the matter in my head, I eventually decided not to say anything to him. As we walked home, I wondered to myself: “Why would I dampen someone’s enthusiasm like that?” I realized that I couldn’t bear to see anyone else doing well and I’d become jealous of Xiang Ming. I worried that if he turned his state around and began getting good results, the brothers and sisters would start looking up to and praising him and would forget all about me. To make sure he didn’t distinguish himself, I attacked him and made him become negative. Realizing this, I felt terrible and guilty. As soon as I got home, I prayed to God, telling Him I was ready to repent and make changes, and asking Him to guide me to recognize my corrupt disposition.

In the midst of my seeking, I came across some of God’s words: “Some people always fear that others are better than they are or above them, that other people will be recognized while they get overlooked, and this leads them to attack and exclude others. Is this not a case of being envious of people with talent? Is that not selfish and despicable? What kind of disposition is this? It is maliciousness! Those who only think about their own interests, who only satisfy their own selfish desires, without thinking about others or considering the interests of God’s house, have a bad disposition, and God has no love for them” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). “If someone says they love the truth and that they pursue the truth, but in essence, the goal they pursue is to distinguish themselves, to show off, to make people think highly of them, to achieve their own interests, and the performing of their duty is not to submit to or satisfy God, and instead is to achieve fame, gain, and status, then their pursuit is illegitimate. That being the case, when it comes to the work of the church, are their actions an obstacle, or do they help move it forward? They are clearly an obstacle; they do not move it forward. Some people wave the banner of doing the work of the church yet pursue their own personal fame, gain, and status, run their own operation, create their own little group, their own little kingdom—is this kind of person doing their duty? All the work they do essentially disrupts, disturbs, and impairs the work of the church. What is the consequence of their pursuit of fame, gain, and status? First, this affects how God’s chosen people eat and drink God’s word normally and understand the truth, it hinders their life entry, stops them from entering the right track of faith in God, and leads them onto the wrong path—which harms the chosen ones, and brings them to ruin. And what does it ultimately do to the work of the church? It is disturbance, impairment, and dismantlement. This is the consequence brought about by people’s pursuit of fame, gain, and status. When they do their duty in this way, can this not be defined as walking the path of an antichrist? … The problem with people pursuing their own interests is that the goals they pursue are the goals of Satan—they are goals that are wicked and unjust. When people pursue personal interests such as fame, gain, and status, they unwittingly become a tool of Satan, they become an outlet for Satan, and, moreover, they become an embodiment of Satan. They play a negative role in the church; toward the work of the church, and toward the normal church life and normal pursuit of God’s chosen people, the effect they have is to disturb and impair; they have an adverse and negative effect” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part One)). God’s words were a perfect exposure of my current state. When I noticed that Xiang Ming was making quick life progress and the brothers and sisters all looked up to him, I worried that he’d steal my thunder and deprive me of others’ admiration, so I intentionally became distant from him. When I received enlightenment through eating and drinking God’s words, I didn’t want to share it with him. When he expressed a desire to go full-time in his duties, I intentionally said some things to try to hold him back. When he encountered some difficulties in his duty, wasn’t getting good results and became despondent, I even bragged about how well my work was going in front of him, causing him to become more despondent. Then, when he finally started turning his state around and making progress, I intentionally attacked him by picking out flaws in his fellowship. Wasn’t I being jealous of someone talented, just like God’s words had exposed? Because I only considered my own reputation and status, I failed to realize that Xiang Ming living in negativity would affect his watering work and prevent newcomers from making progress in their lives. I was well aware of how important the watering work is, but I still attacked Xiang Ming. Wasn’t I just acting as one of Satan’s lackeys and disturbing and destroying the church’s work? How selfish, despicable and vicious I was! The church had paired me with Xiang Ming so that we could complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses and water the newcomers well. But not only had I failed to learn from Xiang Ming’s strengths and stopped us from helping each other and entering the truth together, I was also full of jealousy and resentfulness toward him and wouldn’t share what truth I knew with him for fear that he’d surpass me. I was stuck in a jealous, selfish and despicable state. It was no wonder that my heart had become dark and depressed and I couldn’t derive any clear enlightenment from eating and drinking God’s words. God had turned His back on me. I was in a truly precarious state and had to repent to God as quickly as possible.

Later on, I came upon some of God’s words: “Antichrists’ public suppression of people, exclusion of people, attacks against people, and exposure of people’s problems are all targeted. Without a doubt, they use means such as these to target those who pursue the truth and can discern them. By breaking these people down, they achieve the goal of strengthening their own position. Attacking and excluding people like this is malicious in nature. There is aggression in their language and manner of speech: exposure, condemnation, slander, and evil calumny. They even twist facts, speaking of positive things as though they were negative and negative as though they were positive. Reversing black and white and mixing up right and wrong like this accomplishes antichrists’ goal of defeating people and ruining their name. What mindset is giving rise to this attack and exclusion of dissenters? Most of the time, it comes from a jealous mindset. In a vicious disposition, jealousy carries strong hatred with it; and as a result of their jealousy, antichrists attack and exclude people. In a situation such as this, if antichrists are exposed, reported, lose their status, and suffer an attack in their mind, they will not submit nor be happy about it, and it will be even easier for them to create a strong mindset of revenge. Revenge is a type of mindset, and it is also a type of corrupt disposition. When antichrists see that what someone did was damaging to them, that others are more capable than them, or that someone’s statements and suggestions are better or wiser than theirs, and everyone agrees with that person’s statements and suggestions, the antichrists feel their position is threatened, jealousy and hatred arise in their hearts, and they attack and take revenge. When taking revenge, antichrists generally deliver a preemptive blow to their target. They are proactive in attacking and breaking people down, until the other party submits. Only then do they feel they have let off steam. What other manifestations are there of attacking and excluding people? (Belittling others.) Belittling others is one of the ways it is manifested; no matter how good a job you do, antichrists will still belittle you or condemn you, until you are negative and weak and cannot stand. Then they will be happy, and they will have accomplished their goal” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Two: They Attack and Exclude Dissenters). “Everything antichrists do is in order to win over people’s hearts, to attack and exclude dissenters, to consolidate their status, to seize power, and to control people. What is the nature of these actions? Are they practicing the truth? Are they leading God’s chosen people in entering God’s words and coming before God? (No.) So what are they doing? They are vying with God for His chosen people, competing for people’s hearts, and trying to set up their own, independent kingdom. Who should have a place in people’s hearts? God should have a place. But everything the antichrists do is precisely the opposite of this. They do not allow God or the truth to have a place in people’s hearts; instead, they want man, the leader that they are, and Satan to have a place in people’s hearts” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item One: They Try to Win Over People’s Hearts). Through God’s words I learned that antichrists envy those more talented than them. To safeguard and reinforce their own status, they attack and exclude others. In essence, they want a place in everyone’s hearts and are vying with God for people. Wasn’t this just how I acted toward Xiang Ming? Just when he started getting some results in his duty and was becoming less negative, I intentionally picked out faults in his work and asked him to meet a standard he couldn’t yet reach. By making him think that the watering work was difficult and that he might not be up to the task, I drove him back into negativity. Reflecting on why I’d attacked Xiang Ming, I realized that I wanted all the brothers and sisters to look up to and worship me. I wanted them to think of me whenever someone asked who was most effective in their work and was most diligent in pursuing the truth. I longed to have a place in every brother’s and sister’s heart. In the administrative decrees that God issued during the Age of Kingdom, He stipulated that man can only exalt God, yet I kept trying to get everyone to think highly of and worship me. Wasn’t I resisting God? Xiang Ming was a newcomer himself and hadn’t laid a deep foundation—if he sunk into a prolonged period of negativity due to my attacks, it would influence his belief in God and his duty. He might even consider leaving the church. Even if he was steadfast in his faith, my attacks would still hold back his life entry and influence the life progress of the newcomers. God’s work is coming to a close and there is not much time left for people to pursue the truth. If I don’t help my brothers and sisters perform their duties well, and even dampen their enthusiasm for it, won’t this delay and impact their life entry? Satan has its eyes on us and wants every last one of us to fall into negativity and weakness, distance ourselves from God and betray Him. And yet I was playing the role of Satan and serving as its lackey—I was so awful! My actions had clearly exposed my antichrist disposition. I was walking the path of an antichrist and if I didn’t repent soon, God would spurn me. Realizing this, I became a bit frightened and so I hurriedly prayed to God: “Oh God! I’ve been selfish and despicable, and I’ve become too obsessed with renown and status. I’m ready to rebel against myself and live by Your words. Please give me guidance.”

After prayer, I came upon the following passages of God’s words: “When selfishness and schemes for your own profit appear in you, and you realize it, you should pray to God and seek the truth in order to address this. The first thing you should be aware of is that in essence, acting in this way is a violation of the truth principles, it is harmful to the work of the church, it is selfish and despicable behavior, it is not what people of conscience and reason ought to be doing. You should put aside your own interests and selfishness, and should think of the work of the church—this is in line with God’s intentions. After praying and reflecting on yourself, if you truly realize that acting thus is selfish and despicable, putting aside your own selfishness will be easy. When you put aside your selfishness and schemes for profit, you will feel grounded, you will be at peace, joyous, and will feel that a person of conscience and reason should think of the church’s work, that they should not fixate on their personal interests, which would be so selfish, despicable, and devoid of conscience or reason. Acting selflessly, thinking of the work of the church, and doing things exclusively to satisfy God is just and honorable, and will bring value to your existence. Living this way on earth, you are being open and honest, you are living out normal humanity, and the true image of man, and not only do you have a clear conscience, but are also worthy of all the things bestowed upon you by God. The more you live like this, the more grounded you will feel, the more peaceful and joyous you will be, and the brighter you will feel. As such, will you not have set foot upon the right track of faith in God?” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. In Giving One’s Heart to God, One Can Obtain the Truth). “If you are truly capable of showing consideration for God’s intentions, you will be able to treat other people fairly. If you recommend a good person and allow them to undergo training and perform a duty, thereby adding a person of talent to God’s house, will that not make your work easier? Will you not then be showing loyalty in your duty? That is a good deed before God; it is the minimum conscience and reason that those who serve as leaders should possess” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). God’s words gave me a path of practice: I should abandon my pursuit of self-interest, heed God’s intentions and safeguard the church’s work. Xiang Ming has caliber, so I should help him more so that he could shoulder the newcomer watering work as soon as possible. That was what a person with humanity should do. I thought of God’s words which say: “The functions are not the same. There is one body. Each does his duty, each in his place and doing his very best—for each spark there is one flash of light—and seeking maturity in life. Thus will I be satisfied” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Utterances of Christ in the Beginning, Chapter 21). God gives each one of us different talents so that we can use them to perform each of our own duties well in the church. This is what we ought to do as created beings. Xiang Ming and I both had specific roles to play in the church, so I shouldn’t have envied him and excluded him. I should cooperate with him harmoniously and work together to fulfill our duties and bear witness to God—only this way of working is of value.

Later on, I opened up in fellowship with Xiang Ming about my state during that time and what I’d come to understand about myself. After our fellowship, I felt much more peaceful and grounded. I felt like I was once again living in the light, like I could at last take in a deep breath of fresh air after a long bout of panting and gasping. I finally felt at ease and Xiang Ming and I grew a lot closer as well. After that, we resolved to cooperate harmoniously together to water the newcomers. From then on, we would often open up to each other about our current states and would share various paths of practice we’d found for watering newcomers. Whenever Xiang Ming encountered difficulties, I’d do my best to fellowship on the truth to help him. I also benefited from Xiang Ming’s strengths. For instance, I gained a lot from certain insights he shared during fellowship that I’d never thought of myself. Through this, I realized that opening up to and fellowshipping with others on our experiences and things we’ve gained is not merely a matter of supplying others, but it is also a way of practicing the truth that can help us improve our own weaknesses and attain more of the Holy Spirit’s work. In truth, by setting the right intentions, learning from others’ strengths to offset our weaknesses, and practicing according to God’s words, we all benefit and make progress in our lives.