By Li Lan, China

In these years as a believer, I have always known in theory that our fate and our birth and death are all in God’s hands, but I didn’t have an actual understanding of God. When God orchestrated a situation that didn’t accord with my notions, when my son suddenly died in a motorcycle accident, I displayed complaints, misunderstanding and argumentativeness, I was completely revealed. It was only then that I became aware of my actual stature. Also, I gained some understanding of my mistaken views regarding gaining blessings through belief.

It was July of 2017, and my husband and I were relatively well known as believers locally, so much so that the police came to our house several times to investigate us. We were forced to leave our son behind and do our duties away from home. Later on, the police continued to inquire about us and so my husband and I were never able to return home for the last seven years. Sometimes when I heard other children calling “mommy,” I would get a sudden pang of sadness. I just hoped that some day I’d be able to go home and see my son, but due to our situation, we didn’t dare return home and could only get updates on our son from the brothers and sisters from my village. Each time I heard that my son was healthy and safe, I would thank God for His care and protection and I could go about doing my duty with peace of mind.

One afternoon in August of 2023, I received a message from my supervisor informing me that Wang Kai’s son had been killed in a motorcycle accident. Wang Kai is my husband. They were saying my son had been killed. It didn’t seem possible, and I thought perhaps the supervisor had made a mistake. I just couldn’t believe that my son had died. I rubbed my eyes and reread the message closely, but it couldn’t have been written more clearly. I collapsed to the floor and couldn’t help wailing. How could something like this happen to my family? I wished I could grow a pair of wings so I could fly back home and see my son one last time, but my husband and I were both being targeted by the police and it wasn’t safe to go home. When I thought about how we couldn’t go home to see our deceased son, it hurt like being stabbed in the chest. I began to misunderstand and blame God, “Oh God! Why didn’t you protect my son? Ever since entering the faith, my husband and I have always done duties. Faced with the persecution and targeting of the great red dragon, we forsook our own son to do our duty to this day. No matter what duty the church has assigned us, we’ve never refused. Our son was just 30 years old; he was just a young man. I had to bury my own son! My son was my only hope as a mother, and now I have nothing and I didn’t even get to see him before he passed. It would be better if we passed together and I could be with him in the afterlife.” I realized that I had gone astray in my thinking, that I was blaming and misunderstanding God, so I hurriedly began praying silently to God, “Oh God! When I heard my son had died in a motorcycle accident, I couldn’t accept it right away, but I shouldn’t have blamed and misunderstood You. Oh God! Please protect my heart and allow me to quiet myself before You.” I prayed to God for help time and again, and slowly I began to calm down. However, when I thought of how my son had died, and I’d never see him again, I still felt quite agonized and weak. I lay on my bed, refusing to eat or drink and didn’t sleep all night. I pictured my son’s face in my mind, and called out his name in my heart while the tears blurred my vision.

During those next few days, I lived in painful recollection of my son and didn’t feel like doing anything. I didn’t have the motivation to check in on the gospel work and the work progress was delayed. I knew that I couldn’t wallow in that state because I was in charge of gospel work. My son had died, but I had to keep living and fulfill my duty well! I dried my tears and kneeled before God to pray, “Oh God! I don’t want to remain in this depressed state. Please guide me to learn from this situation and break free from this sadness.” After prayer, I read through a passage of God’s words that my leader had sent to me: “Some ignorant parents cannot comprehend life or destiny, do not recognize God’s sovereignty, and tend to do ignorant things when it comes to their children. For example, after their children become independent, they may encounter certain special situations, hardships, or major incidents; some face illnesses, some get involved in lawsuits, some get divorced, some are deceived and scammed, and some are kidnapped, harmed, severely beaten, or face death. There are even some who fall into drug abuse, and so on. What should parents do in these special and significant situations? What is the typical reaction of most parents? Do they do what they ought to do as created beings with the identity of parents? Very seldom do parents hear such news and react as they would if it had happened to a stranger. A majority of parents stay up all night till their hair turns gray, they lose sleep night after night, have no appetite during the day, rack their brains with thinking, and some even weep bitterly, till their eyes turn red and their tears run dry. They pray fervently to God, for God to take their own faith into account and protect their children, show them favor and bless them, show mercy, and spare their lives. As parents in such a situation, their human weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and feelings toward their children are all exposed. What else is revealed? Their rebelliousness against God. They implore God and pray to Him, beseeching Him to keep their children from calamity. Even if a disaster occurs, they pray that their children won’t die, that they can escape danger, they won’t be harmed by evil people, their illnesses won’t grow more severe but will improve, and so on. What are they really praying for? (God, with these prayers they are making demands of God, with an undertone of complaint.) In one respect, they are extremely dissatisfied with their children’s plight, complaining that God shouldn’t have allowed such things to happen to their children. Their dissatisfaction is mixed with complaint, and they ask God to change His mind, not to act like this, to deliver their children from danger, to keep them safe, to heal their sickness, to help them escape lawsuits, to avert calamity when it arises, and so on—in short, to make everything go smoothly. By praying like this, in one respect, they are complaining to God, and in another, they are making demands of Him. Isn’t this a manifestation of rebelliousness? (It is.) Implicitly, they are saying that what God is doing is not right or good, that He shouldn’t act like this. Because these are their children, and they are believers, they think God shouldn’t let such things happen to their children. Their children are different from others; they should receive preferential blessings from God. On account of their faith in God, He ought to bless their children, and if He does not, they become distressed, they cry, throw a tantrum, and no longer want to follow God. If their child dies, they feel that they can’t go on living either. Is that the sentiment they have in mind? (Yes.) Isn’t this a form of protest against God? (It is.) This is protesting against God” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (19)). God’s words completely exposed my current state. When I heard about my son’s death in the motorcycle accident, I didn’t eat or drink and I even unreasonably argued with, resisted, blamed, and misunderstood God. I did this because I had a mistaken view in my faith. My husband and I had forsaken our family and work to do our duties without the slightest complaint about the hardships, and even continued doing our duties as we were mocked by our relatives and neighbors and pursued and persecuted by the police. I thought that as long as I forsook things, expended myself, and suffered more and paid more of a price in my duty, God would certainly protect my son from illness and accident and allow him to live in good health. When I heard that my son had died in a motorcycle accident, I began arguing with and resisting God, using what I forsook and expended as capital to argue with Him and blaming God for not protecting my son. I also thought that since my son had died, there was no point in me going on living and it would be better for me to be with my son in the afterlife! Reflecting on my behavior, I saw that I was resistant toward and unsatisfied with the situation God had orchestrated. I was rebelling and clamoring against God; this was opposition to God! My son’s death revealed my true stature. I saw clearly that my long-time practice of faith forsaking family and career, suffering and paying a price, was all just a trade I wanted to make with God in exchange for grace and blessings. I thought of the incredible trial Job went through, losing all his property and his children, and breaking out in boils, but he unconditionally submitted to God and even praised His name and stood firm in his witness to God. I felt ashamed after comparing my own behavior to that of Job’s. I had to stop blaming God. I had to rely on Him to stand firm in my witness and humiliate Satan!

After that, I continued reading God’s words and started to gain an understanding of my mistaken view about belief. Almighty God says: “Hasn’t the epoch of ‘One person’s belief in the Lord brings blessings to the whole family’ passed a long time ago? (Yes, it has.) Then why do people still fast and pray like this, pleading shamelessly with God to protect and bless their children? Why do they still dare to protest and contend with God, saying, ‘If You don’t do it like this, I’ll keep praying; I will fast!’ What does fasting mean? It means going on a hunger strike, which in another sense is acting shamelessly and throwing a fit. When people act shamelessly toward other people, they might stamp their feet, saying, ‘Oh, my child is gone; I don’t want to live anymore, I can’t go on!’ They don’t do this when they’re before God; they speak quite elegantly, saying, ‘God, I implore You to protect my child and cure their illness. God, You are the great physician who saves people—You can do all things. I beseech You to watch over and protect them. Your Spirit is everywhere, You are righteous, You are a God who shows mercy to people. You care for and cherish them.’ What is meant by this? Nothing of what they’re saying is wrong, it’s just not the right time to say such things. The implication is that if God doesn’t save your child and protect them, if He doesn’t fulfill your wishes, then He isn’t a loving God, He is devoid of love, He isn’t a merciful God, and He isn’t God. Isn’t this the case? Isn’t this acting shamelessly? (Yes.) Do people who act shamelessly honor God as great? Do they have God-fearing hearts? (No.) People who act shamelessly are just like scoundrels—they lack God-fearing hearts” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (19)). “Man’s relationship with God is merely one of naked self-interest. It is a relationship between a receiver and a giver of blessings. To put it plainly, it is akin to the relationship between employee and employer. The employee works only to receive the rewards bestowed by the employer. There is no affection in such a relationship, only transaction. There is no loving or being loved, only charity and mercy. There is no understanding, only suppressed indignation and deception. There is no intimacy, only an uncrossable chasm” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Appendix 3: Man Can Only Be Saved Amidst God’s Management). Pondering God’s words, I understood that God said that the epoch of “One person’s belief in the Lord brings blessings to the whole family” had long passed. Yet I still upheld this view in my belief. Reflecting on my many years in the faith, outwardly it might have seemed like I had forsaken my family and career to do my duty, but really I just wanted to receive grace from God. When I heard that my son was doing well and was healthy and safe, no matter what duty I was assigned, I would dutifully do it. When I heard the horrible news of my son’s death, I began arguing with and resisting God and had no motivation to do my duty. I even contemplated killing myself to be with my son and was full of misunderstandings and complaints about God. Comparing God’s words with myself, I saw that I was a shameless person that had been pitching a fit. I had believed in God for years, ate and drank so many of His words, but I didn’t have the slightest bit of submission or fear of Him in my heart. I had just spent those years suffering and expending myself in order to attain blessings, I was just making a transaction with God and I was not fulfilling my duty to satisfy God at all. As soon as I didn’t receive God’s grace and blessings, I began clamoring against and arguing with Him. I didn’t have the slightest bit of humanity or reason!

Later on, I read another passage that helped me to better understand why “When a person believes in God, their whole family is blessed” is a mistaken view. God says: “Everyone has a suitable destination. These destinations are determined according to each individual’s essence, and have absolutely nothing to do with other people. A child’s evil behavior cannot be transferred to their parents, nor can a child’s righteousness be shared with their parents. A parent’s evil behavior cannot be transferred to their children, nor can a parent’s righteousness be shared with their children. Everyone bears their respective sins, and everyone enjoys their respective blessings. No one can be a substitute for another person; this is righteousness” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. God and Man Will Enter Into Rest Together). Through God’s words I came to understand that God determines people’s outcomes according to their essence and overall behavior. As a believer, doing my duty was my responsibility and this had nothing to do with my son’s fate and destination. My son’s fate wouldn’t change just because I believed in God. God rules the fates of everyone, believers and nonbelievers alike. God’s arrangements are always righteous and so I ought to submit to them, this would be the reasonable thing to do. Yet I went by the mistaken view of “When a person believes in God, their whole family is blessed,” thinking that because I forsook things, expended myself and did my duty, that God ought to protect my son. This view derived from my own notions and imaginings and didn’t accord with the truth at all.

Through eating and drinking God’s words, I gained an understanding of my mistaken view regarding attaining blessings through belief. I thought I had finally gotten past my son’s death, but when God orchestrated another situation for me and I learned about the reason for my son’s death, I began to complain again. On August 14th, I met with my sister-in-law, who is also a believer, and she told me that at the time of the accident, it seemed like my son hadn’t been badly injured. He was taken to the hospital for imaging and later discharged to rest at home. After he got home, he began feeling short of breath and so he checked himself back into the hospital, but he not only didn’t improve, he actually got worse so he asked to be transferred to a different hospital, but the attending doctor refused. Later on, only after my son’s shortness of breath continued to worsen did the doctor finally agree to have him transferred, but on the way to the hospital, he stopped breathing altogether. An autopsy revealed that a broken rib was sticking into his lung and had caused an infection. If he had been operated on in a timely manner, he might not have died. It was the hospital’s misdiagnosis that led to his death. When I heard these details, I was absolutely shocked and nearly fainted. The emotional pain felt like being stabbed in the chest. I hugged my sister-in-law and broke down in tears. I thought to myself, “If my husband and I had been there to advocate for him to be transferred in time, he never would have died.” My sister-in-law tried to comfort me and said, “There is God’s intention in this experience; try to accept this from God.” My sister-in-law’s comments helped me to suddenly realize I was complaining once again. I prayed to God in my heart, asking Him to protect my heart and help me submit to His sovereignty and arrangements. I then recalled a passage of God’s words I’d read a couple days ago: “God’s sovereignty is ordained and planned out by Him. Is it okay for you to want to change it? (No, it isn’t.) It isn’t okay. Therefore, people must not do foolish or unreasonable things” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (19)). Thinking over God’s words, I realized that man’s life and death are ordained by God. Even if we had been at home and had encouraged the doctor to operate more quickly, if his time had come, he still would have died and there was nothing we could do about it. It was so unreasonable of me to complain to God. Realizing this, I felt much more at ease. I was willing to submit to God’s sovereignty and fulfill my duty in peace.

Later on, I came across a passage of God’s words in a video that gave me some insight into the mistaken view of pursuing blessings in one’s faith. Almighty God says: “There is no correlation between the duty of man and whether he is blessed or cursed. Duty is what man ought to fulfill; it is his heaven-sent vocation, and should not depend on recompense, conditions, or reasons. Only then is he doing his duty. To be blessed is when someone is made perfect and enjoys God’s blessings after experiencing judgment. To be cursed is when someone’s disposition does not change after they have experienced chastisement and judgment, it is when they do not experience being made perfect but are punished. But regardless of whether they are blessed or cursed, created beings should fulfill their duty, doing what they ought to do, and doing what they are able to do; this is the least that a person, a person who pursues God, should do. You should not do your duty only to be blessed, and you should not refuse to act for fear of being cursed. Let Me tell you this one thing: Man’s performance of his duty is what he ought to do, and if he is incapable of performing his duty, then this is his rebelliousness” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Difference Between the Ministry of God Incarnate and the Duty of Man). Pondering over God’s words, I realized that doing one’s duty and being blessed or cursed are entirely unrelated. Duties are God’s commission to men, and are our unshirkable responsibilities that all of us naturally and justifiedly should fulfill. I am a created being, and God gave me my life, so I should fulfill my duty and shouldn’t use my forsaking things and my expenditures as capital to exchange with God for grace and blessings. Be it believers or nonbelievers, the fate of every person is arranged and ruled by God. Birth, aging, sickness and death are all natural phenomena and I should submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements.

I then read another passage of God’s words. “You love and protect your children, you have affection for your children, you can’t let go of them, and so you don’t allow God to do anything. Does this make sense? Is this in line with the truth, with morality, or with humanity? It is not in line with anything, not even morality, isn’t that right? You’re not cherishing your children, you’re shielding them—you’re under the influence of your affection. You even say that if your child dies, you won’t go on living. Since you are so irresponsible toward your own life and don’t cherish the life God has given you, if you want to live for your children, then just go ahead and die together with them. Whatever illness they come down with, you should quickly get infected with the same disease and die together; or just find a rope to hang yourself, won’t that be easy? After you die, will you and your children be the same kind? Will you still have that same physical relationship? Will you still have affection for one another? … Where will they go after they die? Once they die, their body breathes its last, their soul departs, and they completely bid farewell to you. They won’t recognize you anymore, they won’t even stay for a second, they will simply return to the other world. When they return to that other world, you cry, you miss them, and feel miserable and tormented, saying, ‘Oh, my child is gone, and I won’t be able to see them ever again!’ Does a dead person have any awareness? They have no awareness of you, they don’t miss you in the slightest. Once they leave their body, they immediately become a third party, and they have no relationship with you anymore. How do they view you? They say, ‘That old lady, that old man—who are they crying for? Oh, they’re crying for a body. I feel like I’ve just been separated from that body: I’m not so heavy now, and I don’t have the pain of illness anymore—I’m free.’ That is what they feel. After they die and leave their body, they continue to exist in the other world, appearing in a different form, and they no longer have any relationship to you. You cry and long for them here, suffering for their sake, but they feel nothing, they know nothing. After many years, due to fate or coincidence, they may become your co-worker, or your fellow countryman, or they may live far away from you. Though you live in the same world, you will be two different people with no connection between you. Even if some people may recognize that they were so-and-so in the previous life due to special circumstances or because of something special that was said, yet they feel nothing when they see you, and you feel nothing when you see them. Even if they were your child in the previous life, you feel nothing for them now—you only think about your deceased child. They feel nothing for you either: They have their own parents, their own family, and a different surname—they have no relationship to you. But you’re still over there missing them—what are you missing? You are merely missing the physical body and the name that was once related to you by blood; it’s just an image, a shadow that lingers in your thoughts or mind—it has no actual value. They have been reincarnated, transformed into a human or any other living being—they have no relation to you. Therefore, when some parents say, ‘If my child dies, I won’t go on living either!’—that’s just plain ignorance! Their lifespan has reached its end, but why should you stop living? Why do you speak so irresponsibly? Their lifespan has come to an end, God has cut their thread, and they have another task—what business is it of yours? If you have another task, God will also cut your thread; but you don’t yet, so you have to keep living. If God wants you alive, you cannot die. Whether it involves one’s parents, children, or any other relatives or people related by blood in their life, when it comes to affection, people should have the following view and understanding: Regarding the affection that exists between people, if it is related by blood, then fulfilling one’s responsibility is enough. Apart from fulfilling their responsibilities, people have neither the obligation nor the ability to change anything. Therefore, it is irresponsible for parents to say, ‘If our children are gone, if we as parents must bury our own children, then we won’t go on living.’ If children really are buried by their parents, it can only be said that their time in this world was only so long, and they had to go. But their parents are still here, so they should continue to live well. Of course, according to their humanity, it is normal for people to think about their children, but they should not squander the time they have left missing their deceased children. This is foolish. Therefore, when dealing with this matter, in one respect people should take responsibility for their own life, and in another they ought to fully comprehend familial relationships. The relationship that truly exists between people is not based on ties of flesh and blood, but it is a relationship between one living being and another created by God. This kind of relationship carries no ties of flesh and blood; it is only between two independent living beings. If you think about it from this angle, then as parents, when your children are unfortunate enough to fall sick or their lives are in danger, you ought to face these matters correctly. You should not give up the time you have left, the path you ought to take, or the responsibilities and obligations you should fulfill, because of your children’s misfortunes or passing—you should face this matter correctly. If you have the right thoughts and viewpoints and can see through these things, then you will be able to quickly overcome despair, grief, and longing. But what if you can’t see through them? Then it may haunt you for the rest of your life, until the day you die” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (19)). I felt much clearer after reading God’s words. While my son was alive, we were mother and son and had a blood relation. Having given birth to him and raised him to adulthood, my responsibility was already complete. As for his fate, when he would die, how he would die, and what his outcome and destination would be, this was all ruled and arranged by God. His time was up and God took away his living breath. As soon as he died, his soul left his flesh and I then had no relation to him in the slightest, and no longer knew each other. I had believed in God for many years, had read many of His words and done many duties, and it was God that had guided me onto the right path in life and given me the opportunity to attain truth and be saved. Yet, when faced with my son’s death, I just wanted to die along with him and abandon my duty and my chance at salvation. I saw that I lacked even the slightest bit of conscience and reason. I knew I had to emerge from the sorrow of my son’s death, pull myself together and use my remaining days to fulfill my duty, spread God’s kingdom gospel and bring more true believers before God.

Later on, when I would still sometimes think of my son, I would pray to God and sing the hymn of God’s words “How to Be Perfected”: “When you face suffering, you must be able to lay aside concern for the flesh and to not make complaints against God. When God hides Himself from you, you must be able to have the faith to follow Him, to maintain your previous love without allowing it to falter or dissipate. No matter what God does, you must submit to His design and be prepared to curse your own flesh rather than make complaints against Him. When you are faced with trials, you must satisfy God, though you may weep bitterly or feel reluctant to part with some beloved object. Only this is true love and faith” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Those Who Are to Be Made Perfect Must Undergo Refinement). Singing that hymn of God’s words had deeply touched me. God’s intention was to strengthen my resolution through trials, to submit to His sovereignty and arrangements and keep to my duty. This is what true love for God consists of. After realizing God’s intention, I shed tears of guilt and no longer wanted to wallow in mourning over my son’s death. I might have lost my son, but I still had God, my greatest support.

During this unforgettable experience, I did suffer to a degree, but I gained a better understanding of God’s sovereignty and came to recognize the mistaken view regarding belief. If I hadn’t been revealed through this experience, I never would have recognized my true stature, corruption and impurities. I gained all this through the guidance of God’s words. I thank God from the bottom of my heart!