By Xiaochen, China

I have always been prone to illness. I was diagnosed with aplastic anemia at the age of 11, so my immune system is very poor. I am physically weak, lacking strength throughout my entire body, and walking more than a short distance tires me out. I am basically bedridden when my condition is serious. My doctor said that I could pick up an infection at those times due to low immunity, resulting in a prolonged fever. He also said that the bleeding might not stop if I were wounded, which could be life-threatening. After accepting Almighty God’s work in the last days, my condition improved, and I also took on a duty in the church. Many years passed, and I experienced no symptoms of illness. I was very grateful to God.

Later, I began doing video production work. I felt very honored, as the church’s films and videos were testifying to God’s work, and doing this work was especially meaningful. At the same time, I thought that if I worked hard to expend myself for God and made good videos testifying to God, a share in these critical good deeds would be mine. This way I would gain God’s protection and would surely be saved and survive the great disasters. So, I worked hard on my professional skills and principles, and strove to produce more videos testifying to God. Every time a finished video came out and I saw a segment that I had helped to produce, I was full of joy and felt even more motivated to do my duty. To produce even better work, I threw myself into research and developing my skills, and I discussed things with my brothers and sisters, sometimes until three in the morning. Weak as I was, staying up so late was a bit too much for my body. But then I thought, “I haven’t had any health problems for the past few years, and I’m only staying up late like this to better perform my duty. Also, I’ve been reasonably effective, so I am sure that God will protect me. As long as I achieve good outcomes and make a sizeable contribution in my duty, I have great hope for salvation. It will be worth it, even if it means suffering more now.”

One day, my supervisor told me, “Xiaochen, your health is not great. Our workload is very heavy right now, and we worry that if you go on like this you might have a relapse. Why not go for a checkup at the hospital? If everything is fine, you can continue doing your duty. And if not, take some time to recuperate and do what you can while receiving treatment.” I was in a state of agitation after hearing this. I thought, “This is a critical time for us, and my brothers and sisters are busy with their duties. If it turns out I’ve got a serious health issue, then I won’t be able to perform my duty anymore. Could I still be saved?” I felt somewhat negative at this thought. So I prayed to God, asking Him to enlighten me so that I could know His intention, understand my own corrupt disposition, and submit to His orchestrations and arrangements.

I read these words of God: “These days, most people are in this sort of state: In order to gain blessings, I must expend myself for God and pay a price for Him. In order to gain blessings, I must abandon everything for God; I must complete what He has entrusted me with, and I must perform my duty well. This state is dominated by the intention to gain blessings, which is an example of expending oneself for God entirely for the purpose of obtaining rewards from Him and gaining a crown. Such people do not have the truth in their hearts, and it is certain that their understanding merely consists of a few words and doctrines which they show off everywhere they go. Theirs is the path of Paul. The faith of such people is an act of constant toil, and deep down they feel that the more they do, the more it will prove their loyalty to God; that the more they do, the more He will certainly be satisfied; and that the more they do, the more they will deserve to be granted a crown before God, and the greater the blessings they gain will be. They think that if they can endure suffering, preach, and die for Christ, if they can sacrifice their own lives, and if they can complete all of the duties with which God has entrusted them, then they will be those who gain the greatest blessings, and they will be certain to be granted crowns. This is precisely what Paul imagined and what he sought. This is the exact path that he walked, and it was under the guidance of such thoughts that he worked to serve God. Do those thoughts and intentions not originate from a satanic nature? It is just like worldly humans, who believe that while on earth they must pursue knowledge, and that after obtaining it they can stand out from the crowd, become officials, and have status. They think that once they have status, they can realize their ambitions and bring their businesses and family practices up to a certain level of prosperity. Do not all nonbelievers walk this path? Those who are dominated by this satanic nature can only be like Paul in their faith. They think: ‘I must cast off everything to expend myself for God. I must be loyal before God, and eventually, I will receive great rewards and great crowns.’ This is the same attitude as that of worldly people who pursue worldly things. They are no different at all, and they are subject to the same nature. When people have this sort of satanic nature, out in the world, they will seek to obtain knowledge, learning, status, and to stand out from the crowd. If they believe in God, they will seek to obtain great crowns and great blessings. If people do not pursue the truth when they believe in God, they are sure to take this path. This is an immutable fact, it is a natural law. The path that people who do not pursue the truth take is diametrically opposed to that of Peter” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Walk the Path of Peter). God’s words revealed my state precisely. I thought that enduring hardship, paying a price to make good-quality videos, and making my contribution to spreading the kingdom gospel, ensured that I would be praised and blessed by God, and that in the end I would be rewarded and saved. To this end, I endured late nights without complaint, but when it appeared that I might not be able to carry on for health reasons, I felt my desire to be blessed shattered, so my will to perform my duty was gone—I didn’t want to give any more of myself. I realized that my belief in God had always been transactional. I worked hard to produce good videos so that the church would give me an important role, and I could ask for grace and blessings from God. I always said I was willing to suffer and expend myself for God, but it was only to obtain His blessings. I was cheating and using God. My intentions were despicable! Thinking of this, I realized I could no longer keep on resisting this situation, but I needed to submit. I had to seek the truth and address my corrupt dispositions and the impurities in my belief in God.

After that, I went for an examination at the hospital. The blood tests showed various indicators were lower than they ought to be, and my platelet count was well below normal. The doctor said that without proper care, even a minor lesion could lead to serious hemorrhaging. My supervisor, brothers, and sisters suggested I convalesce for a while and continue with my duty after recovering my health. So, I went home for treatment, returning periodically for more checkups. Things still hadn’t improved after several months and I was getting anxious, so I went to see an old TCM doctor for medication. He said, “Your recovery will be a slow process. Your health is poor, and it will take quite a while to get better.” This was extremely disappointing for me. I had thought that my condition would improve after going home for treatment, and I could return to video work. I had already undergone almost a year of treatment, so why wasn’t I getting better? That year, God’s house produced many movies and videos, but because of my health I couldn’t take part. I feared I wouldn’t be able to perform this duty in the future. Without enough good deeds, could I still be saved when God’s work ends? The more I thought about this, the more negative I became. On the way home I felt helpless and desolate, and couldn’t help but complain, “Why am I sick like this when my brothers and sisters are in good health?” I felt very hard done by. Nothing could lift my spirits when I got home. I thought, “This is just how my body is. I can’t change this situation no matter how hard I try. If I can’t take part in important work, what hope do I have of being saved?” I started to completely give up on myself. Every day, I passed the time watching secular movies and TV, and chatting with people online. My relationship with God grew distant, and my heart grew darker and emptier. One day, I suddenly realized, “Isn’t this state I’m in the same as being a nonbeliever? How is this anything like being a believer? If I continue down this road I’ll only become more and more depraved, and eventually God will eliminate me.” This thought finally struck some fear into my heart. I knew I couldn’t go on like this anymore, but I had to properly reflect and seek the truth to solve my problems.

In my seeking, I read a passage of God’s words: “When people are unable to accept the truth it is the most rebellious thing, and they are in the most danger. If they are never able to accept the truth, then they are disbelievers. If the desire of a person such as this to be blessed is shattered, they will leave God. Why is this? (Because what they pursue is to be blessed and enjoy grace.) They believe in God but do not pursue the truth. To them, salvation is an ornament and a nice-sounding word. What their heart pursues is rewards, a crown, and desirable things—they want to get a hundred times this in this life, and want to get eternal life in the world to come. If they cannot get these things, then they will not believe; their true face will emerge, and they will leave God. What they believe in in their heart is not God’s work, nor is it the truths God expresses, and what they pursue is not salvation, let alone to do their duty as a created being well; rather, it is the same as Paul—to be richly blessed, hold great power, wear a large crown, and be on the same level as God. These are their ambitions and desires. Therefore, every time there is some benefit or desirable thing in God’s house, they fight to get hold of it, start ranking people according to their qualifications and seniority, and ruminate, ‘I am qualified. I should have a share of this. I must fight to get it.’ They put themselves in a foremost place in God’s house, then think it is only fitting that they enjoy these benefits of God’s house. … It is clear that his heart was already filled with these things he pursued, and it is sufficient to show that the things he pursued are completely incompatible with the truth. No matter how much work he did, his goal and intent was none other than to get a crown—like Paul’s goal and intent was—and he clung to it tightly and never gave up. No matter how the truth was fellowshipped to him, no matter how he was pruned, exposed and dissected, he still stubbornly hung on to the intent to be blessed and would not let it go. When he did not receive God’s approval and saw that his desire to be blessed was shattered, he became negative and retreated, abandoned his duty and ran away. He had not truly fulfilled his duty or rendered good service in spreading the gospel of the kingdom, and this fully reveals that he did not have true faith in God, did not truly submit, and did not have an ounce of true experiential testimony—he was just a wolf in sheep’s clothing that lurked in a herd of sheep. Ultimately, a person who was a disbeliever to the bone was thoroughly revealed and eliminated, and his life as a believer came to an end” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Five)). God’s words completely revealed the despicable intentions within me. Although I agreed to go home to recuperate, in my heart, I still hoped to recover quickly and start participating in video production again. I thought, I needed to do more of my duty if I wanted to have a good prospect of being saved. When I didn’t get my desired results after multiple treatments, I felt there was no more chance for me to do an important duty, any hope of being blessed was utterly shattered, and I had no motivation to believe in God anymore. I felt that God was being unfair to me; I felt lost and off balance, so I started to give up. I didn’t want to eat or drink God’s words anymore, and I had no interest in prayer. I even vented my dissatisfaction with God by pursuing worldly trends. I saw that I had faith and did my duty only to gain blessings. When that didn’t happen, I became hostile to God and displayed nothing but a satanic disposition. I had no conscience or sense at all. This proved that all my previous effort was insincere and meant to deceive God. In all my years of faith, God had provided me with so much truth and bestowed such grace upon me. Without God’s protection, my health would have been ruined long before, but not only did I fail to thank and repay God, I complained. I was completely unreasonable and lacked humanity! Thinking of this filled me with remorse and hatred for myself. I wanted to truly address my motives to gain blessings and stop rebelling against God, so I prayed, asking God to enlighten me to know myself.

Then I read this passage of God’s words: “Since being blessed is not an appropriate objective for people to pursue, what is an appropriate objective? The pursuit of the truth, the pursuit of changes in disposition, and being able to submit to all of God’s orchestrations and arrangements: these are the objectives that people should pursue. Say, for example, being pruned causes you to have notions and misunderstandings, and you become incapable of submission. Why can’t you submit? Because you feel that your destination or your dream of being blessed has been challenged. You become negative and upset, and try to get out of doing your duty. What is the reason for this? There is a problem with your pursuit. So how should this be solved? It is imperative that you immediately abandon these mistaken ideas, and that you immediately seek the truth to solve the problem of your corrupt disposition. You should say to yourself, ‘I must not quit, I must still do well the duty that a created being ought to, and put aside my desire to be blessed.’ When you relinquish the desire to be blessed and you walk the path of pursuing the truth, a weight is lifted off your shoulders. And will you still be capable of negativity? Even though there are still times when you are negative, you don’t let this constrain you, and in your heart, you keep praying and fighting, changing the objective of your pursuit from the pursuit of being blessed and having a destination, to the pursuit of the truth, and you think to yourself, ‘The pursuit of the truth is the duty of a created being. To understand certain truths today—there is no greater harvest, this is the greatest blessing of all. Even if God does not want me, and I do not have a good destination, and my hopes of being blessed are shattered, I shall still do my duty properly, I am obligated to. Whatever the reason, it will not impact my performance of my duty, it will not affect my accomplishment of God’s commission; this is the principle by which I conduct myself.’ And in this, have you not transcended the constraints of the flesh?” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only in the Practice of the Truth Is There Life Entry). Reading this allowed me to understand why I complained, became negative, and even gave up on myself when my hope of being blessed was shattered. The root of the problem was my mistaken view of pursuit. I was pursuing blessings and a good destination, so the moment I lost hope of that, I became too negative to go on. My desire for blessings was simply too strong. However, I am a created being, and no matter whether I receive blessings and have a good destination or not, I should do my duty all the same. Even if I don’t gain blessings, as long as I fulfill my responsibilities and duty, at least I won’t have any regrets. This thought was enlightening for me. I had to practice in accordance with the path pointed out in God’s words, let go of my desire for blessings, change my mistaken views of pursuit, and do my duty to the best of my ability. Even if my condition deteriorated someday, I couldn’t blame God. This is the reason that a created being should possess. I couldn’t do other duties now, but I could practice writing articles at home, writing out my experiences and knowledge to share with my brothers and sisters at gatherings. That way, I was still doing my part. Doing this was a big relief for me.

A year later, when I went to the hospital for some medication, the doctor said, “You’ve recovered and you don’t need to take medication anymore. Just be more mindful of your health and don’t wear yourself out.” Hearing the doctor say that was so exciting for me, and I was thanking God over and over. Afterward, I read this in God’s words: “I decide the destination of each person not on the basis of age, seniority, amount of suffering, and least of all, the degree to which they invite pity, but according to whether they possess the truth. There is no other choice but this” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Prepare Sufficient Good Deeds for Your Destination). Exactly. God determines people’s outcome based on whether they possess the truth, and those who are ultimately unable to gain the truth cannot be saved. If I don’t pursue the truth or dispositional change in my faith, and if my corrupt dispositions are not purified in the end, then I can’t be saved no matter how much I contribute or expend myself. But I wanted to deceive God into giving me blessings and grace through hard work. Isn’t that sheer nonsense? It was nothing but my wishful thinking! On the surface, it seemed I lost the chance to perform my duty because of illness, but my mistaken views and corrupt disposition were revealed through my ill health, allowing me to turn back in time and start focusing on pursuing the truth. This was God’s great protection and salvation for me. This left me with a great sense of remorse and indebtedness, so I prayed, “God! I want to change my fallacious views of pursuit. I don’t want to pursue blessings and rewards anymore. No matter what duty I do in the future, I wish to pursue the truth, pursue dispositional change, and fulfill my duty to satisfy You.”

After that, I read some of God’s words about how to approach my duty that opened my eyes. God’s words say: “To perform your duty adequately, it does not matter how many years you have believed in God, how many duties you have performed, nor how many contributions you have made to God’s house, much less does it matter how experienced you are in your duty. The main thing God looks at is the path a person takes. In other words, He looks at one’s attitude toward the truth and the principles, direction, origin, and starting point behind one’s actions. God focuses on these things; they are what determine the path you walk” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. What Is the Adequate Performance of Duty?). “Man thinks that all those who make a contribution to God should receive a reward, and that the greater the contribution, the more it is taken for granted that they should receive God’s favor. The essence of man’s viewpoint is transactional, and he does not actively seek to perform his duty as a created being. For God, the more that people seek a true love for God and complete submission to God, which also means seeking to perform their duty as a created being, the more they are able to gain God’s approval. God’s viewpoint is to demand that man recover his original duty and status. Man is a created being, and so man should not overstep himself by making any demands of God, and should do nothing more than perform his duty as a created being. The destinations of Paul and Peter were measured according to whether they could fulfill their duty as created beings, and not according to the size of their contribution; their destinations were determined according to that which they sought from the beginning, not according to how much work they did, or other people’s estimation of them. And so, seeking to actively perform one’s duty as a created being is the path to success; seeking the path of the true love for God is the most correct path; seeking changes in one’s old disposition, and seeking the pure love for God, is the path to success. Such a path to success is the path of the recovery of the original duty as well as the original appearance of a created being. It is the path of recovery, and it is also the aim of all of God’s work from beginning to end” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Success or Failure Depends on the Path That Man Walks). After reading God’s words, I saw that there really is no distinction between high or low in people’s duties. Whether people can be saved doesn’t depend on what duty they do, or how great their work is. As long as you pursue the truth, fulfill the duty of a created being, and achieve a transformation in your life disposition, you can be saved by God. It is the responsibility of created beings to do a duty. Every person ought to be doing this. It is not a tool for personal benefit, nor is it a bargaining chip for rewards. Regardless of whether I am blessed or not, I should fulfill my duty. After that, the church arranged a suitable duty for me based on my physical condition.

Now, I am no longer constantly worried about whether I will have a good future and destination. I know that no matter what duty I perform, understanding and gaining the truth is the most important thing. Whether I have a good outcome in the future or not, as long as I can fulfill my responsibilities in my duty, I feel at ease and at peace. Thank God!