By Li Fang, China

I was serving as a church leader in the summer of 2017. Due to the requirements of the work, the upper-level leader arranged for Sister Yang Guang and Sister Cheng Xin to work alongside me, and told me to help them out. After a while, I saw that these two sisters bore a burden in their duty and were making quick progress. I didn’t need to worry about some things—the sisters were able to discuss them and handle them appropriately by themselves. At first, I was really happy about that, but over time, it started to leave a bad taste in my mouth. I thought to myself, “I’m the leader, so it stands to reason that church matters, whether they be big or small, should really be discussed with me first. But now, these two sisters are arranging some things without consulting me. They aren’t taking me seriously! If this goes on, won’t I be a leader in name only?”

At one gathering, the watering deacon mentioned Yang Guang and Cheng Xin. She said, “They really bear a burden in their duty. Before we were always short of waterers, but since they’ve arrived, not only are transfers being made fast, the watering work has also been pretty effective….” After hearing this, I outwardly gave thanks to God, but in my heart, I wasn’t so pleased and I could feel my face burning. I thought to myself, “It seems that the others think more of those two sisters than they do of me. I’ve been a leader for several years, and those sisters have only been doing this for a few days. Are they better than me?” I didn’t want to accept it, and I didn’t hear anything the watering deacon said after that. I walked home limply after the gathering. That night I lay in bed, tossing and turning, unable to sleep. I felt really upset every time I thought about what the watering deacon had said. I’d been a leader for years, but I didn’t even match up to two sisters who’d just started training. What would the upper-level leader think of me if she knew? Would she say I was incompetent and not fit to be a leader? The others used to look up to me, would they think those sisters were better than me now? Would they support them instead of me in the future? I felt like Yang Guang and Cheng Xin had stolen my spotlight, and I was filled with jealousy and resentment toward them. My imagination was running wild during that time, fearing that my position wasn’t secure. I silently encouraged myself to do a good job, to strive to do better in all our projects, and to make the others see that I wasn’t second to those sisters at all. After that, I’d get up early and stay up late every day; I got ahead of all the important projects and quickly resolved any problems that came up, fearing the sisters would get there before me. Sometimes I even hoped they’d mess up and embarrass themselves. One day while checking the church’s books, we found inconsistencies in the numbers sent out and received. The sisters had been handling the distribution and receipt of books, and while they anxiously hunted for the cause, not only did I not help, I reveled in their misfortune, thinking, “I thought you two were so capable—now what are you going to do?” In a reprimanding tone, I told them that it’s a big deal if there’s a problem with the church’s books. That made them even more stressed and impacted their states. I was secretly feeling quite happy, “Let’s see if the upper-level leader still thinks you’re better than me now you’ve made such a big mistake! If you stay in this negative state, I won’t need to worry about you threatening my position.” At the time I felt a little guilty and realized that I was crossing a line, but I didn’t really reflect on it more.

Later, Cheng Xin’s duty was adjusted, leaving me and Yang Guang working together. One day during a work discussion, I noticed the upper-level leader was always asking for Yang Guang’s opinion while I sat to one side feeling snubbed. I couldn’t help but wonder if the leader might be focusing on training her because she was younger and had better caliber. I felt so disappointed. The leader had always discussed things with me before, but now she thought so highly of Yang Guang. Didn’t that show that Yang Guang was better than me? My jealousy was coming out again. During that time, I scolded Yang Guang whenever I noticed deviations in her work and sometimes just gave her the cold shoulder. I rushed to preside over every gathering and resolve others’ issues, not giving her a chance to fellowship. Her state got worse and worse and she no longer bore a burden for the church’s work; she didn’t handle some tasks promptly and this led to the church’s work suffering some losses. At the time I did feel kind of guilty. I felt that I had a lot to do with her negative state, but I didn’t reflect on myself. I didn’t have any understanding of my own state until I was disciplined by God.

One day I suddenly felt sick and feverish, and then developed a cough. I thought my asthma was acting up again, but later, my cough got worse and worse and no medication was helping. No matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t fellowship in gatherings. I went to the doctor to get it checked out, and was told that I had severe bronchiectasis and tuberculosis. The doctor said that it was a very serious disease and that it takes more than a year of medication to get it under control. When I heard that I just sat there in shock, feeling really miserable. I’d had tuberculosis before and it had been really hard to cure it. How did it come back again, and why was it such a serious case this time? Since tuberculosis is contagious, I couldn’t have any contact with the brothers and sisters. That meant I wouldn’t be able to do my duty. In all my years of faith, I’d always done a duty. I’d even left my family and job behind to expend myself. Especially at that time, church work was really busy and I was at the front of it all. Why did I get such a serious illness? What was God’s intention? The more I thought about it, the worse I felt, and I often hid under my comforter crying. Once, I prayed to God, in tears, “God! I’m in so much pain. I don’t know how to get through this. Please enlighten me to understand Your intention so that I can learn a lesson through this illness.”

One day I read these words of God in my devotionals. God says: “Normally, when you face a serious illness or strange malady that makes you suffer very badly, this does not happen by chance. Whether you are ill or in good health, God’s intention is there in that” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. In Believing in God, Gaining the Truth Is Most Crucial). Pondering this, I realized that God allowing me to become seriously ill was no accident, that there was certainly God’s intention in it. I had to seriously examine myself. I prayed and sought from God over and over. During my reflection, I suddenly realized that my constant jealousy of Yang Guang and Cheng Xin during that time, and my unwavering struggle for personal fame and gain had caused her to feel constrained and that this had impacted the church’s work. When this occurred to me, I felt guilty and full of regret. I read this in God’s words: “Cruel mankind! The connivance and intrigue, the snatching and grabbing one from another, the scramble for fame and fortune, the mutual slaughter—when will it ever end? Despite the hundreds of thousands of words God has spoken, no one has come to their senses. People act for the sake of their families, sons and daughters, for their careers, future prospects, position, vainglory, and money, for the sake of food, clothing, and the flesh. But is there anyone whose actions are truly for the sake of God? Even among those who act for the sake of God, there are but few who know God. How many people do not act out of their own interests? How many do not oppress or ostracize others in order to protect their own position?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Evil Will Surely Be Punished). “Some people always fear that others are better than they are or above them, that other people will be recognized while they get overlooked, and this leads them to attack and exclude others. Is this not a case of being envious of people with talent? Is that not selfish and despicable? What kind of disposition is this? It is maliciousness! Those who only think about their own interests, who only satisfy their own selfish desires, without thinking about others or considering the interests of God’s house, have a bad disposition, and God has no love for them” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). What God revealed was precisely my state. Ever since I’d seen those two sisters doing their duty skillfully, progressing fast, and handling some things without consulting me, I’d become uncomfortable and thought that they weren’t respecting me. When the watering deacon had praised them for being effective in their duty, I’d felt even more like they were a threat to my position and had stolen my spotlight. To prove I was better than them and secure my position, I pushed ahead of them to fellowship and resolve others’ problems in gatherings and didn’t give them a chance to fellowship at all. When the numbers of church books didn’t add up, instead of helping them find the reason for it, I enjoyed their misery and made snide remarks, which led to them living in negativity. I was so malicious. At this thought, I felt guilty and regretful, and prayed to God in tears, “Oh God! It is by Your grace that I am able to supervise the church’s work, but I have been so rebellious. Not only have I failed to do my duty well and repay Your love, I’ve been jealous of those with more ability, and fought for personal fame and gain. My behavior has been disgusting and loathsome to You. God, I want to repent and change.”

After that, I read these words of God: “When confronted with a problem, some people do seek an answer from others, but when the other person speaks according to the truth, they don’t accept it, they are not able to obey, and in their hearts, they think, ‘I’m normally better than him. If I listen to his suggestion this time, won’t it look like he’s superior to me? No, I can’t listen to him on this matter. I’ll just do it my way.’ Then they find a reason and an excuse to shoot down the other person’s point of view. What kind of disposition is it when a person sees someone who is better than them and they try to bring them down, spreading rumors about them, or employing despicable means to denigrate them and undermine their reputation—even trampling all over them—in order to protect their own place in people’s minds? This is not just arrogance and conceit, it is the disposition of Satan, it is a malicious disposition. That this person can attack and alienate people who are better and stronger than them is insidious and wicked. And that they will stop at nothing to bring people down shows that there is much of a devil in them! Living by the disposition of Satan, they are liable to belittle people, to try to stitch them up, to make things hard for them. Is this not evildoing? And living like this, they still think they’re okay, that they’re a good person—yet when they see someone better than them, they are liable to give them a hard time, to trample all over them. What is the issue here? Are people who are capable of committing such evil deeds not unscrupulous and willful? Such people only think of their own interests, they only consider their own feelings, and all they want is to achieve their own desires, ambitions, and aims. They don’t care how much damage they cause to the work of the church, and they would prefer to sacrifice the interests of the house of God to protect their status in people’s minds and their own reputation. Are people like this not arrogant and self-righteous, selfish and vile? Such people are not only arrogant and self-righteous, they are also extremely selfish and vile. They are not considerate of God’s intentions at all. Do such people have God-fearing hearts? They do not have God-fearing hearts at all. This is why they act wantonly and do whatever they want, without any sense of blame, without any trepidation, without any apprehension or worry, and without considering the consequences. This is what they often do, and how they have always behaved. What is the nature of such behavior? To put it lightly, such people are far too jealous and have too strong a desire for personal reputation and status; they are too deceitful and insidious. To put it more harshly, the essence of the problem is that such people have no God-fearing heart at all. They are not frightened of God, they believe themselves to be of utmost importance, and they regard every aspect of themselves as being higher than God and higher than the truth. In their hearts, God is not worthy of mention and is insignificant, and God does not have any status in their hearts at all. Can those who have no place for God in their hearts, and who do not have God-fearing hearts, put the truth into practice? Absolutely not. So, when they typically go around merrily keeping themselves busy and exerting quite a lot of energy, what are they doing? Such people even claim to have abandoned everything to expend for God and suffered a great deal, but actually, the motive, principle, and objective of all their actions are for the sake of their own status and prestige, of protecting all of their interests. Would you or would you not say that this sort of person is terrible? What kind of people have believed in God for many years, yet have no God-fearing hearts? Are they not arrogant? Are they not Satans? And what things most lack a God-fearing heart? Apart from the beasts, it is the evil and the antichrists, the devils and Satan’s ilk. They don’t accept the truth at all; they are entirely without a God-fearing heart. They are capable of any evil; they are the enemies of God, and the enemies of His chosen people” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Five Conditions That Must Be Met to Embark on the Right Track of Belief in God). It felt like God was before me, judging me. I thought that after being a leader for many years, I should be superior and better than others, so I envied and rejected anyone more capable than me. I knew those two sisters had caliber, that they bore a burden and were effective in their duty—this was good for the church’s work and for the brothers’ and sisters’ life entry. But I didn’t consider any of that, I only cared about my own reputation and status. I battled with them in secret, looking for deviations and oversights in their work, to upset and embarrass them. This left them in a bad state and they no longer bore a burden in their duty, which also harmed the church’s work. To maintain my own status, envious of those more talented than myself, I constrained those two sisters to the point that they became negative. By doing that, I was disrupting the church’s work and harming the interests of the church. I didn’t have any humanity. Everything I was revealing was a satanic disposition. Satan can’t stand to see people doing well, and is desperate for them to become negative, degenerate and betray God. I was acting as Satan’s minion, disrupting the church’s work. As a church leader, I should have been considering God’s intentions, cultivating people, and helping my brothers and sisters to fulfill their duties. But instead, not only did I fail to cultivate talented people, I was jealous of them and oppressed them. How was that doing my duty? I was just doing evil and opposing God.

One day, I opened up to a sister and fellowshiped on my jealous state. She listened and then shared with me the example of Saul’s jealousy of David. She said, “When Saul saw that God was using David to win wars and that the Israelites all supported him, he became jealous of David and kept trying to kill him. In the end Saul was spurned by God and punished.” Hearing this sent a shiver through me. I thought about all of my recent behavior. When those two sisters were getting some results in their duty, I became jealous of them and constrained and suppressed them at every turn. I wasn’t just giving them a hard time, I was making myself an enemy of God. Wasn’t I just like Saul? Seeing it this way was pretty scary, and I realized that this was God’s timely discipline stopping me in my evil-doing tracks. If I kept on acting that way, the consequences would be unthinkable. Later, I pondered over and over: Why, knowing full well that God doesn’t like jealousy, could I not keep myself from doing things to sideline other people? I read a passage of God’s words that said: “One of the most obvious characteristics of the essence of an antichrist is that they monopolize power and run their own dictatorships: They do not listen to anyone, they do not respect anyone, and regardless of people’s strengths, or what correct views or wise opinions they may express, or what suitable methods they might put forward, they pay them no heed; it is as if no one is qualified to cooperate with them, or to take part in anything they do. This is the kind of disposition antichrists have. Some people say this is being of bad humanity—but how could it be commonplace bad humanity? This is an entirely satanic disposition, and such a disposition is supremely vicious. Why do I say that their disposition is supremely vicious? Antichrists expropriate everything from the house of God and the property of the church, and treat them as their personal property, all of which is to be managed by them, and they do not permit anyone else to intervene in this. The only things they think about when doing the work of the church are their own interests, their own status, and their own pride. They do not allow anyone to harm their interests, much less do they allow anyone of caliber or anyone who is able to speak of their experiential testimony to threaten their reputation and status. … When someone distinguishes themselves with a little work, or when someone is able to speak of true experiential testimony, and God’s chosen people receive benefits, edification, and support from it, and it earns great praise from everyone, envy and hate grows in the hearts of the antichrists, and they try to exclude and suppress that person. They do not, under any circumstances, allow such people to undertake any work, in order to prevent them from threatening their status. … The antichrists think to themselves, ‘There’s no way I’m going to put up with this. You want to have a role in my domain, to compete with me. That’s impossible; don’t even think about it. You’re more educated than me, more articulate than me, more popular than me, and you pursue the truth with greater diligence than I do. If I were to cooperate with you and you stole my thunder, what would I do then?’ Do they consider the interests of the house of God? No. What do they think about? They think only of how to hold on to their own status. Though antichrists know themselves to be incapable of doing real work, they do not cultivate or promote people of good caliber who pursue the truth; the only people they promote are those who flatter them, those who are apt to worship others, who approve of and admire them in their hearts, those who are smooth operators, who have no understanding of the truth and are incapable of discernment” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Eight: They Would Have Others Submit Only to Them, Not the Truth or God (Part One)). God reveals that antichrists have no consideration for the work of the church and just want to monopolize power. They bring the church under their control and won’t let anyone else get involved. They exclude and oppress anyone who poses a threat to their status, and work vehemently to cover up the strengths and merits of others. I was acting just like an antichrist. To solidify my status, I kept wanting a monopoly on power and to be the only one calling the shots in the church. I was upholding ideas like, “There can only be one alpha male,” and “In all the universe, only I reign supreme,” and I wouldn’t let anyone surpass me. When two sisters were handling some matters and didn’t discuss them with me, I thought they weren’t taking me seriously, and that I was a leader, after all, so church matters should be brought up with me first. When problems appeared in their duties, I criticized them by magnifying the issue and purposefully let them make fools of themselves. I would host gatherings myself, not giving these sisters a chance to fellowship. And I even said disparaging things about them behind their backs to make the supervisor think that they didn’t give fellowship and there were always awkward silences at gatherings, that I was always the one playing host, as if all the credit belonged to me alone. My disposition was deceitful and vicious, and I was walking the path of an antichrist. At that point I realized that without God’s discipline, and the judgment and revelation of His words, I would never have seen how serious the nature of my actions was. Not only had I suppressed and harmed the sisters I was partnered with, I had also committed transgressions and evil deeds. During that time, I felt extreme self-reproach and remorse. I hated myself for doing evil, regretted that I hadn’t done my duty properly, and felt greatly indebted to God.

I read more of God’s words after that: “As a church leader, you do not merely need to learn to use the truth to resolve problems, you also need to learn to discover and cultivate people of talent, whom you absolutely must not envy or suppress. Practicing in this way is beneficial to the work of the church. If you can cultivate a few pursuers of the truth to cooperate with you and do all the work well, and in the end, you all have experiential testimonies, then you are a qualified leader or worker. If you are able to handle everything according to the principles, then you are committing your loyalty. … If you are truly capable of showing consideration for God’s intentions, you will be able to treat other people fairly. If you recommend a good person and allow them to undergo training and perform a duty, thereby adding a person of talent to God’s house, will that not make your work easier? Will you not then be showing loyalty in your duty? That is a good deed before God; it is the minimum conscience and reason that those who serve as leaders should possess” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). From God’s words, I learned that leaders and workers have to focus on discovering and cultivating talented people. Suppressing them and being jealous of them for the sake of one’s own interests disgusts God. I thought about the regrets I had from working with those two sisters, and made a resolution. No matter who I worked with in the future, I’d put the interests of the church first, I’d immediately recommend any talented people I discovered, and fulfill my responsibilities. Later, I revealed and dissected my corruption to the others at a gathering, and while working alongside everyone, I constantly reminded myself to cooperate with them, to learn from their strengths and to not do anything to disrupt the church’s work.

After some time passed, I recovered a little from my illness, and the church arranged for me to do video production. Not long after that, the church asked me to give another sister some technical training. She had good caliber and was a quick study. I thought, “If she learns all these techniques, will she take my place? Will the leader look down on me if she sees that this sister is a faster learner than me?” After thinking that, I didn’t want to be so diligent in training her. Then I realized I wasn’t in the right state, so I rushed to say a prayer, asking God to watch over my heart. I remembered something from God’s words: “You should first think of the interests of God’s house, be considerate of God’s intentions, and consider the work of the church. Put these things first and foremost; only after that can you think about the stability of your status or how others regard you” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). God’s words served as a timely reminder to me and I rebelled against my incorrect thoughts and did my best to train that sister. A few days later, she could make videos on her own. While working together, our duties became a bit more productive. After experiencing this, I realized that harmonious cooperation brings joy and peace to our hearts. Only by cooperating harmoniously are we likely to gain the enlightenment and guidance of the Holy Spirit and achieve good results in our duties. This change in me has been entirely achieved by God’s words. Thank God!