By Wu Fan, China

One day in the latter half of 2002, I was suddenly arrested by the police while doing my duties. They took me to a guesthouse and showed me video footage of my bank transactions, questioning me relentlessly about where I got the money, where I lived, who led the church, and so on. When I refused to answer, they tortured me with various methods—forcing me into a squat position, viciously slapping my face with leather shoes, and subjecting me to interrogation by over a dozen policemen, using “sleep deprivation” tactics on me. It meant they wouldn’t let me sleep. Whenever I closed my eyes, the police would slap me hard across the face or kick me violently, or suddenly shout loudly into my ear. Due to this prolonged lack of sleep, I experienced confusion, high fever, dizziness, and a ringing in my ears. I even began to see double. By the twentieth day of police torture, my body had reached its limit. I collapsed on the ground and couldn’t muster the strength to get up. My eyes wouldn’t open, and my consciousness began to grow hazy. Even my breathing became difficult, and I felt like I might die at any moment. I was filled with fear, unable to stop thinking about my mother, wife, and children. I worried that if I died, they might be unable to cope and would suffer a nervous breakdown—how would they go on living after that? In my haze, I heard the police say, “No one will care if you stubborn types die! We’ll bury you somewhere no one will know!” They also said, “Just tell us where you live, and we’ll close the case! We don’t want to stay up all night with you suffering.” I thought to myself, “If I don’t say anything tonight, I probably won’t get through it. Maybe I should tell them something small.” I thought about the older sister who had hosted me—she knew little about the church’s affairs. If I admitted staying at her home, it wouldn’t harm the church, right? It was already twenty days since I had been arrested, and the books of God’s words at her house should have long since been moved. If they couldn’t find any evidence, the police couldn’t do anything to the sister, right? I mentioned the sister’s house. As soon as the words fell from my lips, my mind immediately became clear, and realizing that I had become a Judas, I grew particularly fearful and my whole body went numb. I blamed myself and regretted it intensely, hating how I could become a Judas and sell out the sister. I wished time could turn back so I could take back what I said, but it was all too late. I thought about how the sister had hosted me regardless of her own personal safety, yet I sold her out to save myself—my conscience grew even more tormented, and I hated myself for lacking any humanity. Especially when I remembered God’s words, “Toward those who showed Me not the slightest loyalty during times of tribulation, I shall be merciful no more, for My mercy only extends so far. I have no liking, furthermore, for anyone who has once betrayed Me, much less do I like to associate with those who sell out the interests of their friends. This is My disposition, regardless of who the person may be. I must tell you this: Anyone who breaks My heart shall not receive clemency from Me a second time, and anyone who has been faithful to Me shall forever remain in My heart” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Prepare Sufficient Good Deeds for Your Destination), these words pierced my heart like a knife, and my conscience felt even more accused and denounced. I knew in my heart that God’s disposition is righteous and holy, intolerant of human offense. God hates those who betray Him and sell out the brothers and sisters to save themselves. I became a shameful Judas by selling out that sister, and I wounded God’s heart. God couldn’t possibly save me now; I was the one who cut off my path of faith in God. Thinking of all this, my heart felt like it was being torn apart with pain. I couldn’t sleep night after night, and I lived in anguish and self-blame. I was indebted to God and to that sister. I couldn’t forgive myself. After that, when the police saw that they couldn’t get anything more out of me, they fabricated charges against me and sentenced me to one and a half years. At that time, my body was too weak; I would start to pant heavily after taking a few steps during outdoor exercise. The police feared they might cause loss of life, so they released me on medical parole after fifty days, but they didn’t allow me to leave the local area. I had to report my whereabouts to them monthly and do ideological reporting at the police station every three months. Meanwhile, the police visited the sister’s home, and she could no longer do her duties.

I stayed at home for over a month, but then the police came to arrest me again, so I hurriedly fled to another city to work. Shortly thereafter, the police tracked me down at the construction site to arrest me, and I escaped overnight from the site. That period was the most difficult time for me. I lost contact with the church, and my relatives and friends cut me off. I had nowhere to hide and wandered everywhere, often sleeping under bridges. I felt particularly helpless at that time, like God no longer wanted me. I knew I had offended God’s disposition and deserved such retribution. In reality, I could endure physical suffering, but losing God, church life, and the ability to read God’s words made me wish for death over life. I dared not pray to God, nor did I feel worthy to pray to Him. I felt like I had become a Judas, someone detested by God. Would God still listen to my prayers? I couldn’t sleep night after night, and I was filled with so much regret that I don’t know how many times I slapped myself, and many times I wanted to end my pain with death. Later, I thought of God’s words and began to understand His intention a bit more. God’s words say: “Today, most people do not have that knowledge. They believe that suffering is without value, they are renounced by the world, their home life is troubled, they are not beloved of God, and their prospects are bleak. The suffering of some people reaches an extreme, and their thoughts turn to death. This is not true love for God; such people are cowards, they have no perseverance, they are weak and powerless! God is eager for man to love Him, but the more man loves Him, the greater man’s suffering, and the more man loves Him, the greater man’s trials” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Only by Experiencing Painful Trials Can You Know the Loveliness of God). Pondering God’s words, I realized that the circumstances I was facing were God’s righteousness—a deserved retribution for my Judas-like actions. However, I was created by God, and I shouldn’t choose death for myself; I should accept God’s punishment. In the future, whenever I had the chance, I would continue to follow God. Even if it meant doing service for God, I would willingly do it. So, I dismissed any thoughts of death and knelt down crying in prayer, “God! I deserve to die; I deserve to be cursed …” For a long time, this was the only thing I could say in prayer to God before I was too choked up to continue.

In 2008, the brothers and sisters found me and said that selling out the sister was a moment of weakness in my flesh, which didn’t cause significant loss to the church. They said my consistent performance of duty was good, and that the church assigned a duty to me again. In that moment, I was moved to tears. I believed that betraying God and playing the Judas deserved punishment even if that meant going to hell. But God didn’t treat me according to my transgression; He gave me a chance to repent. I felt even more regret and self-hatred, realizing how much I was indebted to God. I resolved in my heart that no matter what duties the church assigned me in the future, I would cherish and fulfill them in order to repay God. Later on, the Communist Party started arresting believers in various places, and two leaders from our church were also arrested. Soon after, I heard that they played the Judas and were expelled from the church. At that time, I thought to myself, “If they were expelled for turning Judas, and I also acted like that, isn’t my expulsion just a matter of time?” Thinking about these things, my heart ached faintly. I felt that my transgression was too great, and no matter how much I pursued, my hope for salvation seemed slim. Perhaps one day, if I made a mistake in doing my duties, the church might expel me. I regretted even more then, hating myself for not standing firm in my testimony. If only I had stood firm in my testimony back then, I wouldn’t be suffering like this. It was all because I had been too afraid of death and preferred to live a cheap life. I made my bed, and now I had to lie in it; I couldn’t blame anyone else. Therefore, I put even more effort into doing my duties, hoping to compensate for my transgression with more good deeds. As for God’s blessings, promises, and words of comfort and encouragement to people, I felt they no longer concerned or involved me. Later on, as I cooperated in organizing the materials for clearing people out, every time I collected and organized the materials regarding those Judases, I was reminded of the harm I had caused the sister by playing the Judas. This matter was like a brand burnt into my heart. Whenever I thought of it, I felt accused, and the pain was like being stabbed with a knife. This matter had become an eternal blemish and pain in my heart. Later, I developed various illnesses like heart disease and high blood pressure, and my health deteriorated. I began to wonder: Was I experiencing retribution? Or had God abandoned me? This caused even greater suffering and weakness in my heart. Sometimes, when I revealed corruption in the performance of my duty, I knew I needed to seek the truth to resolve my corrupt disposition. But then I thought about how great my transgression was and how serious its nature, and I wondered: Could God still save me? Would He still enlighten me to understand the truth? As such, I had been living in a state of depression.

One day, a sister learned about my state and fellowshipped about her experiences to help me. She also read me a passage of God’s words. God says: “Does God determine whether or not a person will be saved based on the level of their corruption? Does He determine whether or not to judge and chastise them based on the size of their transgressions or the amount of their corruption? Does He determine their destination and outcome based on their looks, their family background, the level of their caliber, or how much they have suffered? God does not use these things as a basis for His decisions; He does not even look at these things. So you must understand that since God does not measure people based on these things, you should not measure people based on these things, either” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. To Gain the Truth, One Must Learn From the People, Events, and Things Nearby). From God’s words, I realized that God does not determine a person’s outcome and destination based on the size of their transgression or the extent of their corruption. Instead, God looks at whether a person truly repents after committing transgressions and ultimately determines a person’s outcome and destination based on whether they possess the truth and whether their disposition has changed. I should let go of my own notions, seek the truth, reflect, and resolve my own issues. This is in line with God’s intention. Realizing these things released much of the repressed emotions I had carried for many years. With tears streaming down my face, I prayed to God, “Oh God! For years, I have been living in a negative state, worrying about my prospects and destination, and I didn’t think about pursuing the truth. Thank You for helping me through the sister. I am willing to repent to You. Oh God! Please lead me to resolve my own issues.”

After praying, I read a passage of God’s words: “There is also another cause for people sinking into the emotion of depression, which is that some particular things happen to people before they’ve come of age or after they’ve grown into adults, that is, they commit some transgressions or do some idiotic things, foolish things, and ignorant things. They sink into depression because of these transgressions, because of these idiotic and ignorant things they’ve done. This kind of depression is a condemnation of oneself, and it is also a kind of determination of the kind of person they are. … Whenever they listen to a sermon or a fellowship on the truth, this depression slowly creeps into their mind and into their innermost heart, and they give themselves a grilling, asking, ‘Can I do this? Am I able to pursue the truth? Am I able to attain salvation? What kind of person am I? I did that thing before, I used to be that kind of person. Am I beyond saving? Will God still save me?’ Some people can sometimes let go of their emotion of depression and leave it behind. They take their sincerity and all the energy they can muster and apply them to performing their duty, their obligations, and their responsibilities, and can even put all their heart and mind into pursuing the truth and contemplating God’s words, and they pour their effort into God’s words. The moment some special situation or circumstance comes along, however, the emotion of depression takes hold of them once again and makes them feel incriminated again deep in their heart. They think to themselves, ‘You did that thing before, and you were that kind of person. Can you attain salvation? Is there any point in practicing the truth? What does God think of what you’ve done? Will God forgive you for what you’ve done? Can paying the price in this way now make up for that transgression?’ They often reproach themselves and feel incriminated deep inside, and they are always doubting, always grilling themselves with questions. They can never leave this emotion of depression behind them or cast it off, and they feel a perpetual sense of unease about the shameful thing they’ve done. So, despite having believed in God for so many years, it’s as if they’ve never listened to anything God has said nor understood it. It’s as if they don’t know whether attaining salvation has anything to do with them, whether they can be absolved and redeemed, or whether they are qualified to receive God’s judgment and chastisement and His salvation. They have no idea of all these things. Because they don’t receive any answers, and because they don’t get any accurate verdict, they feel constantly depressed deep inside. In their innermost heart, they recall what they did over and over again, they replay it in their mind over and over again, remembering how it all began and how it ended, remembering it all from start to finish. Regardless of how they remember it, they always feel sinful, and so they constantly feel depressed about this matter over the years. Even when they’re doing their duty, even when they’re in charge of a certain job, they still feel like they have no hope of being saved. Therefore, they never squarely face the matter of pursuing the truth and regard it as something most correct and important. They believe that the mistake they’ve made or the thing they’ve done in the past are looked poorly upon by most people, or that they may be condemned and despised by people, or even condemned by God. No matter what stage God’s work is at or how many utterances He has made, they never face the matter of pursuing the truth in the correct way. Why is this? They don’t have the courage to leave their depression behind. This is the final conclusion this type of person draws from having experienced this kind of thing, and because they don’t draw the correct conclusion, they are incapable of leaving their depression behind them” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth I. How to Pursue the Truth (2)). God’s words penetrated my heart, and what they exposed was my true state. I had been arrested and played the Judas, betraying God and selling out the sister. This matter was branded into my heart. Although the church had taken me in and allowed me to do my duties, I had never been able to get past this hurdle. Whenever I thought about playing the Judas and the harm I had caused to the sister, I determined that I was someone with no chance of salvation. Every time I watched experiential videos of brothers and sisters being arrested and tortured but standing firm in their testimonies, I felt ashamed and guilty, and my conscience accused me. Each time I collected and organized the materials related to clearing out Judases, my heart felt like it was being stabbed with a knife, and I hated myself for not having stood firm in my testimony back then. If only I had stood firm, my heart wouldn’t be in such torment. Although outwardly I performed my duties, inwardly I was always depressed, feeling that I was different from others. I had betrayed God and played the Judas—a person detested by God. Did God still want me? Would He still save me? Thinking about these things filled me with pain and unease. I didn’t even dare pray to God, feeling that God detested me and wouldn’t listen to my prayers. Reading God’s words was the same; whenever I read words of exhortation, comfort, promises, or blessings, I felt they were not meant for someone like me. I didn’t deserve God’s promises or blessings; I only deserved curses and punishment! I had long lived in a state of misunderstanding God, lacking the determination to pursue the truth, only content with doing the work well to atone for my transgression. In reality, God had not deprived me of the right to eat and drink His words, and He had given me the opportunity to do my duties and pursue the truth. All of this was God’s favor. However, I lived in a state of depression. When corruption was revealed in my performance of duties, I knew I should seek the truth to resolve it. But whenever I thought about having played the Judas, I felt that no matter how hard I tried or how much I pursued, it was all futile. Could God still save those who betrayed Him? If I continued to work hard and fulfilled my duties to make amends, perhaps one day God would see my loyal labor and the punishment would be lighter. I had been constantly burdened by my transgression, living in a state of depression. Over the years, although many things happened, I was content to simply exert effort and get things done without focusing on my life entry, missing out on many opportunities to gain the truth.

In my reflection, I came across a passage of God’s words: “People believe in God in order to be blessed, to be rewarded, to be crowned. Doesn’t this exist in everyone’s heart? It is a fact that it does. Although people don’t often talk about it, and even cover up their motive and desire to obtain blessings, this desire and motive deep in people’s hearts has always been unshakable. No matter how much spiritual theory people understand, what experience or knowledge they have, what duty they can perform, how much suffering they endure, or how much of a price they pay, they never let go of the motivation for blessings hidden deep in their hearts, and always silently toil in its service. Isn’t this the thing buried deepest inside people’s hearts? Without this motivation to receive blessings, how would you feel? With what attitude would you perform your duty and follow God? What would become of people if this motivation to receive blessings that is hidden in their hearts was gotten rid of? It is possible that many people would become negative, while some would become demotivated in their duties. They would lose interest in their belief in God, as if their soul had vanished. They would appear as if their heart had been snatched away. This is why I say the motivation for blessings is something hidden deep in people’s hearts. Perhaps, as they perform their duty or live the life of the church, they feel that they are able to forsake their families and gladly expend themselves for God, and that they now have knowledge of their motivation to receive blessings, and have put this motivation aside, and are no longer governed or constrained by it. Then, they think that they no longer have the motivation to be blessed, but God believes otherwise. People only view matters superficially. Without trials, they feel good about themselves. As long as they don’t leave the church or deny God’s name, and they persist in expending for God, they believe they have changed. They feel they are no longer driven by personal enthusiasm or momentary impulses in the performance of their duty. Instead, they believe they can pursue the truth, and that they can continuously seek and practice the truth while performing their duty, so that their corrupt dispositions are purified and they achieve some genuine change. However, when things happen that are directly related to people’s destination and outcome, how do they behave? The truth is revealed in its entirety” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Six Indicators of Life Growth). God exposed that people’s belief in Him carries ulterior motives, all for the sake of their fate and prospects, as well as personal blessings. If one day they are unable to gain blessings or they see no fate or prospects, they feel that believing in God is meaningless, living as a result in a state of depression. I thought of Paul: At first he resisted the Lord Jesus, arresting and persecuting the Lord’s disciples. Then, on the road to Damascus, God struck Paul down with a great light and called him to be an apostle. Paul spread the gospel for many years, initially to atone for his sins and make amends. He did not pursue the truth to change his corrupt disposition at all. As a result, after many years of work, he did not change his satanic nature of resistance to God and still felt that his toil and work of many years had already atoned for his sins, with his merits outweighing his faults, and he openly asked for a crown from God and was ultimately eliminated by Him. Reflecting on myself, I realized that I had walked the same path as Paul. Because I sold out the sister and played the Judas, I thought that the hope of blessings seemed faint. Especially when I saw two church leaders being expelled for turning into Judas, I worried that I would also be expelled by the church one day. I grew negative and depressed, with no determination to pursue the truth, and I felt that God would no longer save me. No matter how hard I tried or pursued, there would be no good outcome or destination for me. I saw that my purpose in believing in God and doing duties was for blessings, not to gain the truth and submit to God, or satisfy Him by performing the duty of a created being. Over the past few years, I had been constantly plagued by my transgression, feeling anxious about my prospects and destination. Although I felt some regret and hatred toward my transgression, my ingrained viewpoint of pursuing blessings was not resolved. This made me realize that I had not truly repented to God, but rather was trying to atone for my transgression before God by paying the price and expending myself, so that my conscience might no longer accuse me. I saw that I was still seeking transactions with God after committing such a great evil—this was truly ugly, selfish, and vile. It caused me to feel even greater remorse and self-loathing.

While seeking, I came across two passages of God’s words that helped me understand His righteous disposition a bit more. God’s words say: “Most people have transgressed and besmirched themselves in certain ways. For example, some people have resisted God and said blasphemous things; some people have rejected God’s commission and not performed their duty, and were spurned by God; some people have betrayed God when they were faced with temptations; some have betrayed God by signing the ‘Three Letters’ when they were under arrest; some have stolen offerings; some have squandered offerings; some have frequently disturbed the church life and caused harm to God’s chosen people; some have formed cliques and handled others roughly, making a shambles of the church; some have often spread notions and death, harming the brothers and sisters; and some have engaged in fornication and promiscuity, and have been a terrible influence. Suffice it to say that everyone has their transgressions and stains. Yet some people are able to accept the truth and repent, while others cannot and would die before repenting. So people should be treated according to their nature essence and their consistent behavior. Those who can repent are those who truly believe in God; but as for the truly unrepentant, those who should be cleared out and expelled will be cleared out and expelled. Some people are evil, some are ignorant, some are foolish, and some are beasts. Everyone is different. Some evil people are possessed by evil spirits, while others are the lackeys of Satan and devils. Some are particularly sinister by nature, while some are particularly deceitful, some are especially greedy when it comes to money, and others enjoy being sexually promiscuous. Everyone’s behavior is different, so people should all be viewed comprehensively in accordance with their natures and consistent behaviors. … God’s handling of a person is not as simple as people imagine. When His attitude toward a person is one of loathing or revulsion, or when it comes to what this person says in a given context, He has a good understanding of their states. This is because God scrutinizes man’s heart and essence. People are always thinking, ‘God has only His divinity. He is righteous and brooks no offense from man. He doesn’t consider man’s difficulties or put Himself in people’s shoes. If a person should resist God, He will punish them.’ That is not how things are at all. If that is how someone understands His righteousness, His work, and His treatment of people, they are gravely mistaken. God’s determination of each person’s outcome is not based in man’s notions and imaginings, but in God’s righteous disposition. He will repay each person according to what they have done. God is righteous, and sooner or later, He will see to it that all people are convinced, through and through” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). “Each person who has accepted being conquered by God’s words will have ample opportunity for salvation; God’s salvation of each of these people will show His utmost leniency. In other words, they will be shown the utmost tolerance. As long as people turn back from the wrong path, and as long as they can repent, God will give them opportunities to obtain His salvation” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. You Should Put Aside the Blessings of Status and Understand God’s Will to Bring Salvation to Man). From God’s words, I came to understand that God’s disposition is truly righteous. In His righteousness, there is not only judgment and wrath but also mercy and tolerance. God’s treatment of people is especially grounded in principles. He does not pass a verdict on them based on their temporary transgressions, but comprehensively assesses the nature and background of their actions, as well as their stature and the consequences they cause. If a person, due to a moment of weakness, sells someone out without causing significant loss to the church, and without wholeheartedly denying or betraying God, and later they truly repent, God still shows mercy and gives them a chance for repentance. Some people, after their arrest, completely align themselves with the great red dragon; they sell out the brothers and sisters and the interests of the church, and even become accomplices of the great red dragon. These are all revealed to be evildoers who are beyond redemption. For such individuals, God does not show mercy. I remembered my own experience of being captured and tortured, pushed to my physical limits due to prolonged lack of sleep, and then selling out the older sister without causing significant loss to the church. After that, I felt deep remorse and self-loathing. My actions constituted a severe transgression, and God’s house still gave me a chance to repent. As for those two church leaders, after being captured and without enduring any torture, they chose to play the Judas out of fear of physical suffering, not only signing the “Three Letters” but also selling out leaders and workers from more than a dozen churches, leading the work of many churches to come to a standstill and causing significant loss. Their actions were not due to a moment of weakness; their essence was that of Judas, and they were irredeemable evildoers. The church’s decision to expel them completely aligned with the principles—it was God’s righteousness. I realized that I had believed in God for many years, but that I did not know Him. I lived in a state of misunderstanding and guardedness against God, believing that God was as petty as human beings, that God condemns people as soon as they commit transgressions without giving them a chance for salvation. I saw how deceitful and wicked I had become.

Later, I found the path of practice through God’s words. Almighty God says: “If people want to resolve their misunderstandings about God, then, in one respect, they must recognize their own corrupt dispositions and dissect and understand their previous mistakes, wrong paths, transgressions, and negligence. In this way they’ll be able to understand and see their own nature clearly. Additionally, they must see clearly why people go astray and do so many things that violate the truth principles, and the nature of these actions. Furthermore, they must understand what precisely God’s intentions and requirements are for mankind, why people are always incapable of acting according to God’s requirements, and why they always go against His intentions and do what they like. Bring these things before God and pray, understand them clearly, and you can then turn your state around, change your mindset, and resolve your misunderstanding of God. Some people always harbor improper intentions no matter what they do, always have evil ideas, and cannot examine whether their inner state is right or not, nor discern it according to God’s words. These people are muddled. One of the clearest characteristics of a muddled person is that after they do something bad, they stay negative when faced with being pruned, even giving themselves up to despair and determining that they’re finished and cannot be saved. Isn’t this the most pitiful behavior of a muddled person? They can’t reflect on themselves according to God’s word, and can’t seek the truth to solve the problem when faced with difficulties. Is this not being very muddled? Can giving yourself up to despair solve problems? Can always struggling in negativity solve problems? People should understand that if they make a mistake or have a problem then they should seek the truth to solve it. They need to first reflect and understand why they committed evil, what their intention and starting point in doing so was, why they wanted to do it and what their goal was, and whether someone encouraged, incited, or misled them to do it or if they did it consciously. These questions must be reflected on and understood clearly, and then they’ll be able to know what mistakes they made and what they themselves are. If you can’t recognize the essence of your evildoing or learn a lesson from it, then the problem cannot be solved. Many people do bad things and never reflect on themselves, so can such people ever truly repent? Is there any hope for their salvation? Mankind is the progeny of Satan, and regardless of whether or not they have offended God’s disposition, their nature essence is the same. They should reflect on themselves and come to know themselves more, see clearly to what extent they’ve rebelled against and resisted God, and whether they can still accept and practice the truth. If they see this clearly, they’ll know how much danger they are in. In fact, based on their nature essences, all corrupt humans are in danger; it requires a lot of effort for them to accept the truth and it is not easy for them. Some people have committed evil and revealed their nature essence, while some have not yet committed evil but aren’t necessarily much better than others—they just haven’t had the situation or opportunity to do so. Since you have these transgressions, you must be clear in your heart about what attitude you should have now, what you should account for before God, and what He wants to see. You must clarify these things through prayer and seeking; then you’ll know how you should pursue in the future, and will no longer be influenced or constrained by the mistakes you made in the past” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Pursuing the Truth Can One Resolve Their Notions and Misunderstandings of God). Pondering over God’s words, my heart was deeply moved. God doesn’t look only at people’s past transgressions. As long as a person comes before God, accepts the truth, performs their duties with loyalty and responsibility, and shows repentance through real actions, if God sees this person’s transformation, He will give them a chance for salvation. Take Peter, for example. When the Lord Jesus was captured, Peter denied Him three times. He deeply regretted it and thereafter focused on pursuing the truth, seeking to love God and submit to Him. In the end, Peter was nailed to the cross upside down for God, bearing a beautiful testimony. Then there’s David. He took Uriah’s wife and met with severe punishment from God. David was profoundly remorseful and never repeated the offense, even in his later years when a young girl warmed his bed. He spent his life preparing to build the temple and led the people of Israel in worshiping God, showing repentance to God through real action. Reflecting on Peter and David’s experiences showed me the way forward. I needed to confront my transgression correctly, thoroughly reflect on myself, seek the truth to resolve my transgression, and genuinely repent before God. Later on, I realized that losing my witness by selling out the sister was due to two main reasons. Firstly, my affections overwhelmed me. When the police tortured me and threatened my life, I couldn’t let go of my mother, children, and wife. I feared that if I died, they wouldn’t be able to bear the blow, so I betrayed God and sold out the sister, playing the shameful Judas. In fact, my family’s fate was in God’s hands. Whatever suffering or pain they were going to endure in life had been preordained by God. Even if I had stayed by their side, they would still have to face the suffering that was theirs to face—this was something I couldn’t change at all. But I couldn’t see through to these things, I was still constrained by my affections—it was truly foolish of me. The other reason was that I couldn’t see through to matters of death—I didn’t have genuine faith in God. When I had been tortured by the police for twenty days, my physical endurance reached its limit. At that moment, I felt particularly afraid of death and made a compromise with Satan. I thought about the disciples of the Lord Jesus, who, in order to spread the Lord’s gospel, were stoned to death, dragged by horses, or nailed to a cross. They endured persecution for righteousness’ sake. Their deaths were a testimony of gaining victory over and humiliating Satan, and they were remembered by God. The Lord Jesus said: “Whoever will save his life shall lose it: and whoever will lose his life for My sake shall find it” (Matthew 16:25). But I was greedy for life and afraid of death, and I sold out the sister and clung to an ignoble existence. Although my body still lived, every day I endured mental torment, living the life of a walking corpse. Now I realized that even if I were maimed or killed for my faith by the police, it would be something commended by God. Recognizing this, I resolved in my heart that if I were ever captured by the great red dragon again, even if it meant sacrificing my life, I would stand firm in my testimony for God and make amends for my past transgression.

Shortly after, the church faced another large-scale arrest, and the church arranged for me to handle the aftermath work. During discussions about various tasks, I actively participated, focusing on acting according to the principles and fulfilling my responsibilities to the best of my ability. In the process of doing my duties, whenever my corrupt disposition revealed itself, I actively sought the truth to resolve it. I also practiced writing experiential testimony articles. I resolved in my heart that even if there were no good outcome or destination in my future, I would still strive to fulfill my duties and earnestly pursue the truth, giving a little solace to God’s heart.

These years I have been living in a state of depression. Although I felt remorse and self-loathing, I never sought the truth to address my problems. This resulted in my life failing to progress over the past few years, and I missed many chances to gain the truth. Through the guidance of God’s words, I addressed my misunderstandings and barriers with God, freeing myself from the bondage and constraint of my transgression, enabling me to do my duties and pursue the truth normally. I am truly thankful to God from the bottom of my heart.