By Wang Xin, China

Before finding God, my body was severely damaged due to a difficult labor, and my child did not survive. Later, I developed hyperthyroidism, heart disease, and lumbar disc herniation. These illnesses tormented me until I was just skin and bones, and I didn’t even have the energy to walk. The doctor said that my body was too weak, and that even if I had surgery, I wouldn’t survive. My husband also suffered from chronic back pain and couldn’t do heavy labor, and he often took his frustration out on me and nitpicked at me. Just when I felt there was no hope in life, in 2008, my neighbor preached God’s gospel of the last days to me. Seeing that the Savior of the last days has been expressing truths to save humanity, I was really excited. By reading God’s words and fellowshipping with brothers and sisters, I came to understand that human fate is in God’s hands, and that after being corrupted by Satan, people lost God’s protection and lived in suffering. Only by coming before God and worshiping Him, and having His words guide us in all things, can we live with ease. After some time, I no longer felt so much pain in my heart and began doing my duty in the church. Unexpectedly, the two egg-sized hyperthyroid tumors on my neck disappeared, and my other illnesses also gradually improved. My husband’s back pain disappeared, and he was able to work and earn money. Our family life improved day by day. In particular, in the year I turned 39, I unexpectedly became pregnant. To have received such great grace and blessings from God, I was moved to tears, and I kept thanking God, and I was determined to do my duty properly. After that, no matter what duty the church assigned me, I carried it out actively. Come rain or shine, I always led the small group gatherings on time. Even while pregnant, I hardly delayed in my duty. After giving birth to my daughter, I left her in my mother-in-law’s care and continued to do my duty in the church.

Before I knew it, it was 2019, and my daughter was 8 years old. One afternoon in February, I returned home after doing my duty and I saw a note my daughter had left. It said she was at a classmate’s house playing, so I went to look for her. Just as I arrived, I saw that my daughter was choking on some food. Her eyes were rolled back, she could barely turn her head to glance at me, but she couldn’t speak. Her body suddenly slid under the table. I was gripped with terror when I saw this, and I rushed to help her up from the floor. Her lips and face had turned dark purple, and she was struggling to breathe. My hands and feet were trembling, and I kept crying out to God in my heart, begging Him to save my daughter. At the hospital, the doctor used a device to shock her heart, but my daughter showed no response at all, and the doctor said she’d already passed away. In the instant I heard the doctor declare my daughter dead, I felt as if the sky had fallen in on me. Tears streamed down my face, and I simply couldn’t believe that my daughter was gone. I desperately pleaded with the doctor to keep trying, and I kept calling my daughter’s name and pressing on her philtrum. I just wanted her to wake up, but she remained unresponsive. My whole body trembled, and my heart was in unbearable pain, as if being cut apart by knives. I wanted to cry out but I couldn’t even make a sound. I thought to myself, “I only had her in my middle age, and she was born prematurely, and she’s so fragile. It was so hard to raise her, and she was the only hope for my husband and me! Why didn’t God protect my daughter, considering how actively I’ve done my duty? How could such misfortune come upon me?” The more I thought about it, the more painful it felt. I prayed to God in my heart, asking Him to keep my heart from straying from Him. But when I returned home and saw my daughter’s clothes, tears flooded down my face, and I thought to myself, “She was so smart and such a good girl; how could she have died so young? If I’d just come home earlier, and she hadn’t gone to her classmate’s house to eat, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. With her gone, what’s the point of me living? I might as well just die too!” I passed the next few days in a daze. I could barely open my eyes, I couldn’t eat, and I couldn’t even drink water. I felt like I was about to die. I was drowning in agony. At that time, I was a church leader, but I couldn’t concentrate on my duty at all. I realized my state was dangerous—I was being negative and feeling resistant to God. I couldn’t keep being so despondent. I kept crying out to God, pleading for Him to keep my heart close to Him. At that moment, I thought of a hymn of God’s words we often sang at gatherings. “What God Makes Perfect Is Faith.” “The utmost faith and love are required from us in the work of the last days. We may stumble from the slightest carelessness, for this stage of work is different from all the previous ones: What God is perfecting is people’s faith, which is both invisible and intangible. What God does is convert words to faith, to love, and to life” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Path … (8)). I sang the song as the tears streamed down my face. God’s work of the last days is to perfect people through judgment, chastisement, trials, and refinements. People need to have great faith. My daughter’s death didn’t align with my notions, but it had been permitted by God, and I had to submit. I couldn’t misunderstand or complain about God. I had to have faith in Him. With the guidance of God’s words, my state improved. Thinking about my role as a church leader and my church duties, I went out to do my duty.

On the fourth day after my daughter’s death, on my way back from my duty, I overheard three or four people in the village discussing me. They said, “She believes in God, yet her child still died—why didn’t God protect her daughter?” Hearing them mock me and point fingers behind my back, I developed notions about God in my heart: I sincerely believed in God, and no matter what duty the church arranged for me, and no matter how hard or difficult the work was, I always carried it out actively and never delayed my duty. Even when my relatives and friends judged and slandered me, and my husband stood in my way, I never backed down and I persisted in my duty. I had forsaken and expended so much in my years of faith, so I felt God should have protected my family and kept us safe. How could such a thing still have happened? I had a child at such an advanced age—why did God take her away? If I’d been home that afternoon, maybe this wouldn’t have happened, and my daughter wouldn’t have died. Thinking of this, I regretted going out to do my duty that day. When I thought this way, my state became very negative, and my heart was filled with darkness and pain. I prayed to God, “God, my daughter has died, and people around me are mocking and slandering me. I have misunderstandings and complaints in my heart and I don’t know what to do. Oh God, I don’t understand Your intentions, and I don’t want to continue rebelling like this. Please guide me to learn a lesson from this matter.” After praying, I read a hymn of God’s words:

Seek to Love God No Matter How Great Your Suffering

1  Today, most people do not have that knowledge. They believe that suffering is without value, they are renounced by the world, their home life is troubled, they are not beloved of God, and their prospects are bleak. The suffering of some people reaches an extreme, and their thoughts turn to death. This is not true love for God; such people are cowards, they have no perseverance, they are weak and powerless! God is eager for man to love Him, but the more man loves Him, the greater man’s suffering, and the more man loves Him, the greater man’s trials. If you love Him, then every kind of suffering will befall you—and if you do not, then perhaps everything will go smoothly for you and all will be peaceful around you.

2  When you love God, you will feel that much around you is insurmountable, and because your stature is too small you will be refined; moreover, you will be incapable of satisfying God, and you will always feel that God’s intentions are too lofty, that they are beyond the reach of man. Because of all this you will be refined—because there is much weakness within you, and much that is incapable of satisfying the intentions of God, you will be refined internally. Yet you must clearly see that purification is only achieved through refinement. Thus, during these last days you must bear testimony to God. No matter how great your suffering, you should walk until the very end, and even at your last breath, still you must be faithful to God and at the mercy of God’s orchestration; only this is truly loving God, and only this is the strong and resounding testimony.

—The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Only by Experiencing Painful Trials Can You Know the Loveliness of God

I recalled another passage of God’s words as well: “While undergoing trials, it is normal for people to be weak, or to have negativity within them, or to lack clarity on God’s intentions or their path for practice. But overall, you must have faith in God’s work, and not deny God, just like Job. Although Job was weak and cursed the day of his own birth, he did not deny that all things that people possess after they’re born are bestowed by Jehovah, and that Jehovah is also the One to take them all away. No matter what trials he was put through, he maintained this belief. In your experience, no matter what refinement you undergo through God’s words, what God requires of mankind, in brief, is their faith and their God-loving heart. What He perfects by working in this way is people’s faith, love, and resolve” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Those Who Are to Be Made Perfect Must Undergo Refinement). Pondering God’s words, I understood that God perfects people’s faith and love through suffering and refinements. I thought of Job. As Satan tried to tempt him, all ten of his children died, and overnight, all his possessions were taken from him. Even in such great suffering, Job did not complain against God, and he preferred to curse the day of his birth than deny God. No matter how God treated him—whether giving or taking away—he never uttered a single complaint, and instead thanked God, saying that the name of God should be praised. Job had true faith in God and bore testimony for Him before Satan. But when my daughter died and people around me mocked and slandered me, I wanted to die and even complained against God. In what way did I have any kind of testimony? I’d believed in God for years but only understood doctrines, and I had no truth reality. Since I found God, I had always lived comfortably, never experiencing great setbacks. I even thought that simply doing my duty and making sacrifices every day meant I sincerely believed in God. What happened with my daughter revealed how small my stature truly was and that I lacked true faith and love for God. I also thought of how, before I believed in God, Satan had been fooling me, making my life worse than death, but God saved me. He allowed me to enjoy the provision of His words and receive His grace and blessings. Everything I’d received had come from God, including my daughter. I had enjoyed so much of God’s love. Now that my daughter was gone, I couldn’t complain against God or delay my duty. I had to stand firm in my testimony for God, shaming Satan. Thinking of this, I no longer cared about the gossip and mockery of my neighbors, and I continued to go out and do my duty.

Sometimes, after coming back from doing my duty, when faced with an empty room alone, I would feel lonely and lost, and I’d think, “It’d be so wonderful if my daughter were still alive. If I’d just been home that day, maybe all this wouldn’t have happened….” The more I thought about it, the more sorrowful and distressed I became, feeling that my daughter had died too soon. I thought of God’s fellowship about life and death, and I looked up God’s words to read. God says: “If one’s birth was destined by one’s previous life, then one’s death marks the end of that destiny. If one’s birth is the beginning of one’s mission in this life, then one’s death marks the end of that mission. Since the Creator has set up a fixed set of circumstances for each person’s birth, it is certain that He has also arranged a fixed set of circumstances for their death. In other words, no one is born by chance, no one’s death is sudden, and both birth and death are necessarily connected with one’s previous and present lives. What the circumstances of one’s birth are like, and what the circumstances of their death are, are related to the predeterminations of the Creator; this is a person’s destiny, a person’s fate. Since there are many explanations for a person’s birth, there must also necessarily be various special circumstances for a person’s death. In this way, varying lifespans and different manners and times of their deaths came into being among mankind. Some people are strong and healthy, yet die young; others are weak and sickly, yet live to an old age and pass away peacefully. Some perish of unnatural causes, others die naturally. Some die far from home, others shut their eyes for the final time with their loved ones by their side. Some people die in midair, others beneath the earth. Some drown in water, others perish in disasters. Some die in the morning, others at night. … Everyone wants an illustrious birth, a brilliant life, and a glorious death, but no one can surpass their own destiny, no one can escape the Creator’s sovereignty. This is human fate. People can make all kinds of plans for their future, but no one can plan out how they are born or the manner and time of their departure from the world. Though people all do their best to avoid and resist the coming of death, still, unbeknownst to them, death silently draws near. No one knows when they will perish or how, much less where it will happen. Obviously, it is not man that holds the supreme power over life and death, nor some living being in the natural world, but the Creator, who possesses unique authority. Mankind’s life and death are not the product of some law of the natural world, but a result of the sovereignty of the Creator’s authority” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique III). From God’s words, I understood that when a person is born and when they die, how much suffering one will endure in life, how long they will live, where they will die, and in what manner they will depart, all depend on God’s ordinations, and no one can change these things. Some children die soon after birth; some children are cared for by their parents and grandparents, but then they suddenly die in a car accident, or perhaps they drown, fall from a height, or die from strange illnesses. Some people are frail and sickly from childhood, yet keep living for decades or even seventy or eighty years. One’s lifespan is not determined by external circumstances or various objective reasons, but by God’s sovereignty and the causes and effects of previous lives. There was a boy in our village who was a little younger than two years old. His mother was busy at work, and his grandparents were taking care of him at home. One day, his grandfather was on a motorcycle, with the engine still off, and while his grandmother was holding him on the seat, he fell to the ground, and he died right then and there. Another person I knew worked for a large company and had a wealthy family, and they hired a professional nanny to care for their child. The child, just over two months old, developed a stomach illness and couldn’t eat. There were six people in the house taking care of the child, and they spent over a hundred thousand on treatment, but the child still died. Both families were dedicated to caring for their children, but they were both helpless as they watched their children pass away. It’s clear that the life and death of a person truly cannot be controlled by humans. It’s not guaranteed that children won’t die just because their parents are there to care for them. Thinking about my daughter’s sudden death, I saw that this hadn’t happened by chance, and that it had already been preordained by God. My daughter only had this lifespan to live, and she had grown to this age, and as her time to go had come, she had to go. But I didn’t understand God’s sovereignty, nor did I seek His intention. Instead, I looked for external objective reasons, and I thought that if I hadn’t been doing my duty, or if I’d come back earlier, and I’d been home to care for her, she wouldn’t have died. In this, I was denying God’s sovereignty, and my views were just like that of a disbeliever. I thought about how my body had been weak because of childbirth, and the doctor said I couldn’t have children, but after I found God, I got pregnant and had my daughter. My daughter was a gift from God. She was born prematurely and was very weak, and that she was able to grow as big as she did was already God’s grace. My daughter didn’t originally belong to me, and the time of her departure had already been preordained by God, and I had to submit. Furthermore, in life, everyone faces many hardships and setbacks, such as family misfortune or the early death of children, and these things are completely normal. I had to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements. This was the sense of reason I should possess.

Afterward, I reflected on myself to see what kind of corrupt disposition I was revealing as I faced this situation. I read God’s words. “What you pursue is to be able to gain peace after believing in God, for your children to be free from illness, for your husband to have a good job, for your son to find a good wife, for your daughter to find a decent husband, for your oxen and horses to plow the land well, for a year of good weather for your crops. This is what you seek. Your pursuit is only to live in comfort, for no accidents to befall your family, for the winds to pass you by, for your face to be untouched by grit, for your family’s crops to not be flooded, for you to be unaffected by any disaster, to live in God’s embrace, to live in a cozy nest. A coward such as you, who always pursues the flesh—do you have a heart, do you have a spirit? Are you not a beast? I give you the true way without asking for anything in return, yet you do not pursue. Are you one of those who believe in God? I bestow real human life upon you, yet you do not pursue. Are you no different from a pig or a dog? Pigs do not pursue the life of man, they do not pursue being cleansed, and they do not understand what life is. Each day, after eating their fill, they simply sleep. I have given you the true way, yet you have not gained it: You are empty-handed. Are you willing to continue in this life, the life of a pig? What is the significance of such people being alive? Your life is contemptible and ignoble, you live amid filth and licentiousness, and you do not pursue any goals; is your life not the most ignoble of all? Do you have the gall to face God? If you continue to experience in this way, will you not acquire nothing? The true way has been given to you, but whether or not you can ultimately gain it depends on your own personal pursuit” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Experiences of Peter: His Knowledge of Chastisement and Judgment). “Apart from the benefits that are so closely associated with them, could there be any other reasons why people who never understand God would give so much for Him? In this, we discover a previously unidentified problem: Man’s relationship with God is merely one of naked self-interest. It is a relationship between a receiver and a giver of blessings. To put it plainly, it is the relationship between an employee and an employer. The employee works hard only to receive the rewards bestowed by the employer. There is no affection in such an interests-based relationship, only transaction. There is no loving or being loved, only charity and mercy. There is no understanding, only helpless suppressed indignation and deception. There is no intimacy, only an uncrossable chasm” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Appendix 3: Man Can Only Be Saved Amidst God’s Management). God’s words expose that we believe in God in order that our family can be kept in peace and free of problems and our loved ones can be protected from illnesses or disasters. Even when we do our duties, make sacrifices and expend ourselves, it’s to receive God’s grace and blessings. That’s how I was. After finding God, my illnesses miraculously healed, and I was able to have a child just as I’d wished. The family found peace and was free of problems, and our lives got better. I’d received God’s grace and blessings, and I believed that as long as I did my duties properly, God would bless my family with peace and keep us free of problems, illnesses, and disasters. So I became active in expending myself, and no matter what duties the church arranged for me, I would actively do them. Even when I was pregnant and couldn’t move easily, I still went out to lead group gatherings, and no matter how hard or difficult things got, I never backed down. But when my daughter passed away, and I was mocked by others, I became negative and resistant, and misunderstood and complained against God. I even regretted going out to do my duties. My views on faith were just like those from the religious world: I believed that if one person believed in the Lord, then the whole family would be blessed, and I thought my daughter would also be blessed indirectly because of my faith. So when my daughter died, I didn’t want to do my duties anymore, and I even thought of betraying God. Was I not lacking in conscience and reason? I believed in God only to receive blessings from Him, and so when my family knew peace, was free of problems, and enjoyed the grace and blessings of God, I was very active in my duties. But when misfortune struck and my daughter died, I wallowed in negativity, felt resistant toward God, and lost my motivation to do my duties. I realized that I was not doing my duties to submit to and satisfy God, but trying to trade my expenditures and labor for God’s graces and blessings. I was trying to use and deceive God! I was so selfish and despicable! I was no different from those who seek their fill of loaves in religious sects. God had given me the opportunity to do my duties, and this was to allow me to seek the truth and understand my corrupt disposition in the course of my duties, so that in the end, I could attain dispositional change and be saved by God. But I was not doing my duties to gain the truth and progress in my life, I only sought physical peace from God, and when something involved my personal interests, I would complain against God and betray Him. The way in which I was believing in God was so dangerous! After realizing this, I quickly came before God to repent, pleading for God to guide me to change this wrong perspective.

I read God’s words. “There is no correlation between the duty of man and whether he receives blessings or suffers misfortune. Duty is what man ought to fulfill; it is his heaven-sent vocation, and should not depend on recompense, conditions, or reasons. Only then is he doing his duty. Receiving blessings refers to when someone is made perfect and enjoys God’s blessings after experiencing judgment. Suffering misfortune refers to when someone’s disposition does not change after they have experienced chastisement and judgment; they do not experience being made perfect but are punished. But regardless of whether they receive blessings or suffer misfortune, created beings should fulfill their duty, doing what they ought to do, and doing what they are able to do; this is the least that a person, a person who pursues God, should do. You should not do your duty only to receive blessings, and you should not refuse to act for fear of suffering misfortune. Let Me tell you this one thing: Man’s performance of his duty is what he ought to do, and if he is incapable of performing his duty, then this is his rebelliousness” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Difference Between the Ministry of God Incarnate and the Duty of Man). From God’s words, I understood that God is the Creator, and we are created beings. Everything we have is given by God, and even our breath is from Him. Believing in God and doing our duties are perfectly natural and justified things to do, and it has nothing to do with receiving blessings or suffering misfortune. It’s like parents raising their children—when children grow up, honoring their parents is a perfectly natural and justified thing for them to do. But I treated my sacrifices and expenditures as a transaction with God, demanding blessings and grace from Him. How is this doing the duties of a created being? This is truly rebellious! Thinking about how I was ill and close to death before I found God, I was fortunate to accept God’s work of the last days, follow Him, and receive the provision of His words. My illnesses miraculously healed, and it was God who allowed me to live and to do my duties in the church. I had the opportunity to understand the truth, receive the truth, and be saved by God, so I had to repay God’s love. Regardless of whether I would receive blessings or whether my family would have peace in the future, I had to fulfill my duties. Later, I was chosen to be a preacher and became busy with my duties every day. When encountering matters, I was guided by God’s words, and my heart was at peace before God more often. Occasionally, I’d think of my daughter when she was alive, and my heart would feel a bit sad, but I’d pray to God and read His words, and I wouldn’t feel as heartbroken and distressed, and it didn’t affect my duties.

Later on, I read more of God’s words: “Whether it involves one’s parents, children, or any other relatives or people related by blood in their life, when it comes to affection, people should have the following view and understanding: Regarding the affection that exists between people, if it is related by blood, then fulfilling one’s responsibility is enough. Apart from fulfilling their responsibilities, people have neither the obligation nor the ability to change anything. Therefore, it is irresponsible for parents to say, ‘If our children are gone, if we as parents must bury our own children, then we won’t go on living.’ If children really are buried by their parents, it can only be said that their time in this world was only so long, and they had to go. But their parents are still here, so they should continue to live well. Of course, according to their humanity, it is normal for people to think about their children, but they should not squander the time they have left missing their deceased children. This is foolish. Therefore, when dealing with this matter, in one respect people should take responsibility for their own life, and in another they ought to fully comprehend familial relationships. The relationship that truly exists between people is not based on ties of flesh and blood, but it is a relationship between one living being and another created by God. This kind of relationship carries no ties of flesh and blood; it is only between two independent living beings. If you think about it from this angle, then as parents, when your children are unfortunate enough to fall sick or their lives are in danger, you ought to face these matters correctly. You should not give up the time you have left, the path you ought to take, or the responsibilities and obligations you should fulfill, because of your children’s misfortunes or passing—you should face this matter correctly. If you have the right thoughts and viewpoints and can see through these things, then you will be able to quickly overcome despair, grief, and longing. But what if you can’t see through them? Then it may haunt you for the rest of your life, until the day you die. However, if you can see through this circumstance, there will be a limit to this season of your life. It will not go on forever, nor will it accompany you for the latter part of your life. If you can see through this, then you can let go of a part of it, which is a good thing for you. But if you can’t see through the familial ties shared with your children, then you will be unable to let go, and this will be a cruel matter for you. No parents are without emotion when their children pass away. When any parents experience having to bury their children, or when they witness their children in an unfortunate situation, they will spend the rest of their lives thinking about and worrying over them, trapped in pain. No one can escape from it: It is a scar and an indelible mark on the soul. It is not easy for people to let go of this emotional attachment while living in the flesh, so they suffer for it. However, if you can see through this emotional attachment with your children, it will become much less intense. Of course, you will suffer to a much lesser extent; it is impossible not to suffer at all, but your suffering will be greatly reduced. If you can’t see through it, this matter will go cruelly with you. If you can, it will have been a special experience that caused severe emotional trauma, giving you a deeper appreciation and understanding of life, familial ties, and humanity, and enriching your life experience” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (19)). From God’s words, I understood that we were originally isolated souls, without any relationships, and it was God who arranged for me and my daughter to be mother and daughter in this world, giving us this fleshly bond of affection. While my daughter was alive, I provided her with food and clothing, and I took care of her as best I could. I fulfilled the responsibilities and obligations that I should have as a parent, and after she died, we no longer had any relationship. I had to let go and not be overly saddened by my daughter’s death. I’d seen some parents around me, who, when their children died, also wished to die. Some were so heartbroken that they lived in pain for over a decade and still couldn’t escape it, and some even developed mental illnesses or depression because they couldn’t cope with the death of their children. Thinking back to when my daughter first passed away, I was just like them, and if it weren’t for God’s words enlightening and guiding me, I would have continued to wallow in the pain of losing my daughter, feeling that there was no hope in life, and I might have even followed her to the grave. But I came to understand that I came into this world with my mission, and I should fulfill the duties of a created being. Once I came to understand this, I was able to find relief. I thank Almighty God from my heart!