By Li Yi, China

In late 2017, I was elected as a church leader. I felt a little under pressure because I had never done this duty before, but I knew that my being able to take on this duty was God exalting and gracing me, so I was willing to take on this role. In the beginning, when brothers and sisters encountered problems, I relied on God and sought the truth principles to resolve them. Sometimes I’d work late into the night and still not feel it was hard or exhausting. After a while, various items of the church work saw some improvement, and I came to grasp some of the principles related to this duty, which relieved some of the pressure I’d been feeling.

The years flew by, and by March 2021, the workload had grown due to the increased number of members in the church, and I started to feel under pressure. Sister Jing Yuan, who was cooperating with me at the time, was a newcomer, and she wasn’t good at work yet and tended to become negative when confronted by difficulties, so most of the church work fell on me. At first, I could approach things correctly, thinking that since Jing Yuan had only been a believer for a short time and couldn’t handle the work, it was fine for me to do more. During the day, I was busy with gatherings to implement work and solving brothers’ and sisters’ problems. When I got home at night, I also had to summarize the deviations and problems in the work. After doing this for a long time, I came to feel that being a leader was too hard and tiring, and that I didn’t have any free time. I was in poor health, I had had cancer before and had only been in recovery for a few years, and the doctor had told me to get plenty of rest. I thought to myself, “I’m so busy every day; if I keep exhausting myself like this, won’t my illness come back? If that happens, not only would my body suffer, but I might also die.” Thinking of this, I felt very worried, and didn’t want to do my duty as a leader anymore. I wanted to switch to an easier duty to give myself a little more time to rest. There were many times when I wanted to write my letter of resignation. Whenever I had this thought, I felt a little guilty. The church didn’t have anyone suitable to be a leader, so what would happen to the church’s work if I resigned? Later, I went to implement the gospel work, and found that the brothers and sisters had many wrong viewpoints hindering them. At first, I could put effort into fellowshipping and resolving things, but after a while, the results of the gospel work were still poor. Whenever I thought about the time and effort I’d have to put into summarizing deviations and solving problems, and how I’d have to continue to follow up on and resolve any issues the potential gospel recipients had, and just how much work there was to do, I’d feel tired. I thought, “I already have a lot of work to do. How am I supposed to manage it all? What if my body breaks down? My body belongs to me, I’ve got to take it easy, I can’t wear myself out like this.” So, every time I met with the brothers and sisters, I’d just briefly ask if there were any potential gospel recipients to preach to, and then I’d say a few words of doctrine and leave. Not long after, the upper leadership sent a letter, saying that the reason the gospel work wasn’t getting results must have been because the leader wasn’t doing actual work. I felt kind of upset, thinking, “The gospel work is my responsibility, and the lack of results is directly related to me.” I also felt a bit repressed, thinking it would be better to do a single-faceted task, like watering the church’s newcomers, that way I could relax a little and not tire myself out so much. Being a leader was such hard work, and if the job wasn’t done well, I had to take responsibility. I felt I should just admit responsibility and resign. So, when I met with the upper leader, I complained about my difficulties and hardships, saying that I lacked the caliber required to do this duty, and that my occupying a leadership position was delaying the brothers’ and sisters’ life entry and impacting the church’s work, and that this was committing evil. The leader didn’t accept my resignation, and offered me fellowship and help instead. I realized that I didn’t lack caliber, but rather that I was too concerned about my own flesh. And whenever I thought of having to undergo physical suffering, I still feared my body would collapse, and wondered what would happen if my old condition returned and I died. Though I appeared to be doing my duties, I was in pain and felt repressed. Later, the sister in charge of the gospel work said to me, “The poor results of the gospel work in your church are directly related to you.” I didn’t reflect on myself, and came up with excuses and justifications instead, saying that I lacked caliber and couldn’t handle the work. After that, I continued to be passive in my duty.

One day, in June 2021, I was arrested by the police during a gathering. At that moment, I clearly realized that this was God chastening me. I had always been passive in my duty, always concerned about my flesh and wanting to resign, not wanting to do the duty of a leader, and now I had lost my chance to do my duty. I felt that God had used this situation to revoke my qualification to do my duty, and my heart was filled with torment. Later, due to God’s protection, I was quickly released. To avoid being surveilled and arrested by the police, I had to go into hiding for a while and couldn’t go out to do my duty. I was in great pain and felt very negative, wondering if this situation meant that God was revealing me and didn’t want me anymore. Later, I read a passage of God’s word and understood God’s intention. God says: “At times, God uses a certain matter to reveal you or discipline you. Does this then mean that you have been eliminated? Does it mean your end has come? No. … In fact, in many cases, people’s concern stems from their own self-interest. Speaking generally, it is the fear that they will have no outcome. They’re always thinking, ‘What if God reveals me, eliminates me, and rejects me?’ This is your misinterpretation of God; these are only your one-sided conjectures. You have to figure out what God’s intention is. When He reveals people, it is not for the sake of eliminating them. People are revealed in order to expose their shortcomings, mistakes, and their nature essences, to make them know themselves and become capable of true repentance; for this reason, revealing people is in order to help their lives to grow. Without a pure understanding, people are apt to misinterpret God and become negative and weak. They may even give in to despair. In fact, being revealed by God doesn’t necessarily mean that you will be eliminated. It is to help you get to know your own corruption, and to make you repent. Oftentimes, because people are rebellious, and do not seek to find resolution in the truth when they reveal corruption, God must exercise discipline. And so, sometimes, He reveals people, exposing their ugliness and pitifulness, getting them to know themselves, which helps their life to grow. Revealing people has two different implications: For the evil people, being revealed means they are eliminated. For those who are able to accept the truth, it is a reminder and a warning; they are made to reflect on themselves, to see their true state, and to stop being wayward and reckless, because to carry on like this would be dangerous. Revealing people in this way is to remind them lest, in performing their duty, they grow muddleheaded and careless, fail to take things seriously, become satisfied with only a few results, and think they have performed their duty to an acceptable standard when, in fact, measured by God’s demands, they have fallen far short, and yet they are still complacent and believe themselves to be doing fine. In such circumstances, God will discipline, caution, and remind people. Sometimes, God reveals their ugliness—which is patently to serve as a reminder. At such times you should reflect on yourself: Performing your duty like this is inadequate, there is rebelliousness within you, there are too many negative elements, everything you do is perfunctory, and if you still do not repent, by rights you should be punished. Now and then, when God disciplines you, or reveals you, this does not necessarily mean you will be eliminated. This matter should be approached correctly. Even if you are eliminated, you should accept it and submit to it, and make haste to reflect and repent” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Practicing the Truth and Submitting to God Can One Achieve a Change in Disposition). God’s words dispelled my misunderstanding of Him. I had thought that being arrested and losing my duty was God using this situation to reveal and eliminate me, but in fact, this situation was God reminding and warning me, and it prompted me to reflect on myself. I’d always complained about difficulties and hardships and craved comfort instead of doing actual work in my duty, which only hindered the work. If this situation hadn’t happened to me, I wouldn’t have reflected on myself and would have continued to treat my duty lightly. This would have caused irreparable losses to the work and angered God, which would have definitely resulted in me being eliminated. I knew that I should thoroughly reflect on myself and truly repent, as this was in alignment with God’s intention. I could no longer misunderstand God. So I began to reflect, and prayed to God, asking Him to guide me to learn a lesson from this matter.

Later, I read these words of God: “When doing a duty, people always pick light work, work that isn’t tiring, and that does not involve braving the elements outdoors. This is picking easy jobs and shirking hard ones, and it is a manifestation of coveting the comforts of the flesh. What else? (Always complaining when their duty is a little hard, a little tiring, when it involves paying a price.) (Being preoccupied with food and clothing, and the pleasures of the flesh.) These are all manifestations of coveting the comforts of the flesh. When such a person sees that a task is too laborious or risky, they foist it off on someone else; they themselves only do leisurely work, and they make excuses, saying that they are of poor caliber, that they lack work ability, and cannot take on this task—when in fact, it is because they covet the comforts of the flesh. They do not wish to suffer, regardless of what work they do or what duty they perform. … There’s also when people always complain about difficulties while doing their duty, when they don’t want to put any effort in, when, as soon as they have a little downtime, they take a rest, chatter idly, or partake in leisure and entertainment. And when work picks up and it breaks the rhythm and routine of their lives, they are unhappy and dissatisfied with it. They grumble and complain, and they become perfunctory in doing their duty. This is coveting the comforts of the flesh, is it not? … No matter how busy the work of the church is or how busy their duties are, the routine and normal condition of their lives is never disrupted. They are never careless about any small details of the life of the flesh and control them perfectly, being very strict and serious. But, when dealing with the work of God’s house, no matter how great the matter and even if it might involve the safety of the brothers and sisters, they deal with it carelessly. They do not even care about those things that involve God’s commission or the duty they should do. They take no responsibility. This is indulging in the comforts of the flesh, is it not? Are people who indulge in the comforts of the flesh suitable for doing a duty? As soon as someone brings up the subject of doing their duty, or talks about paying a price and suffering hardship, they keep shaking their heads. They have too many problems, they are full of complaints, and they are filled with negativity. Such people are useless, they are not qualified to do their duty, and should be eliminated” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (2)). “This is because the thing that most perceptibly reflects the bond that links you to God is how you treat the matters God entrusts to you and the duty He assigns you, and the attitude you have. What is most observable and most practical is this issue. God is waiting; He wants to see your attitude. At this crucial juncture, you should hurry and make your position known to God, accept His commission, and perform your duty well. When you have grasped this crucial point and fulfilled the commission God has given to you, your relationship with God will be normal. If, when God entrusts a task to you, or tells you to perform a certain duty, your attitude is cursory and apathetic, and you do not take it seriously, is this not precisely the opposite of giving all your heart and strength? Can you perform your duty well in this way? Certainly not. You will not perform your duty adequately. So, your attitude when performing your duty is of crucial importance, as are the method and path you choose. No matter how many years they have believed in God, those who fail to perform their duties well will be eliminated” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). Reflecting on God’s words, I felt as if my heart had been pierced, as if God were standing before me and judging me. God entrusts people with commissions in the hope that they can complete them with all their heart and strength, but I had had such a dismissive attitude toward my duty, and I didn’t fulfill my responsibilities at all. When my duties became somewhat hectic or there were difficulties that required me to put in thought or pay a price, I craved comfort and complained, unwilling to endure hardship or pay a price. I even wanted to resign and shirk my duties. I thought back to when I first took on the duty of a church leader. Although there was a lot of work to do, I relied on God and paid a real price, and God guided me, and the work made some progress. Later, as the number of church members increased, there was more work to be done, and the sister I was working with was still a newcomer, so most of the church’s work needed my personal involvement. I was busy day and night, and I felt that I was suffering physically. I was especially worried that my cancer might come back, so I didn’t want to put my heart into my duties anymore. Seeing no progress in the gospel work, I complained about difficulties and hardships, making excuses that I couldn’t handle the work because I lacked caliber, always wanting to shirk my responsibilities for an easier duty. The truth was, if I’d been willing to pay a price, I could have done the work well, but I was afraid of trouble, and didn’t want to make the effort to seek God’s words to solve the brothers’ and sisters’ difficulties. I was scared of my body breaking down, so I just looked on at the slow work progress without caring, resulting in the gospel work being ineffective for months. This was all caused by my excessive desire for comfort. Even with this being the case, when the sister pruned me, I didn’t reflect and tried to justify myself instead. God hated and was disgusted by my attitude toward my duties. God used this situation to stop my duties, fully revealing God’s righteous disposition. But I didn’t reflect on myself, and thought that God was using this situation to reveal and eliminate me, and I lived in misunderstanding. I didn’t understand God’s good intentions at all! Realizing this, I felt deeply indebted to God, and so I prayed to God, “Oh God, I haven’t fulfilled my responsibilities, and when confronted with difficulties, I complained, caring only for my flesh and fearing exhaustion. I didn’t consider Your intention at all. I now recognize my rebelliousness and am willing to repent. I don’t know if I will have the opportunity to do duties in the future, but if I do, I am willing to consider Your intention, and not seek physical comfort anymore.”

After that, I calmed down, read God’s words, and prayed to God, reflecting on why I was unwilling to suffer or pay a price in my duties. Later, I read a passage of God’s words: “You hope that your faith in God will not entail any challenges or tribulations, or the slightest hardship. You always pursue those things that are worthless, and you attach no value to life, instead putting your own extravagant thoughts before the truth. You are so worthless! You live like a pig—what difference is there between you, and pigs and dogs? Are those who do not pursue the truth, and instead love the flesh, not all beasts? Are those dead ones without spirits not all walking corpses? How many words have been spoken among you? Has only a little work been done among you? How much have I provided among you? So why have you not gained it? What do you have to complain of? Is it not the case that you have gained nothing because you are too in love with the flesh? And is it not because your thoughts are too extravagant? Is it not because you are too stupid? If you are incapable of gaining these blessings, can you blame God for not saving you? … A coward such as you, who always pursues the flesh—do you have a heart, do you have a spirit? Are you not a beast? I give you the true way without asking for anything in return, yet you do not pursue. Are you one of those who believe in God?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Experiences of Peter: His Knowledge of Chastisement and Judgment). God exposes that when people face difficulties in their duties, they complain and are unwilling to cooperate, and that such people who seek comfort are like pigs, only knowing to glut themselves on food, drink, and sleep, without any positive pursuit. Reflecting on God’s words, I saw that I was just like this. Doing the duty of a leader was an opportunity for me to practice, enabling me to seek the truth and shoulder work when difficulties arise. But when I saw that being a leader meant taking on a lot of concern and hard work, I became resistant, and when the gospel work was ineffective and required me to suffer and pay a price, I cared only for my body, fearing that exhaustion would cause my cancer to come back, so I kept making excuses and wanting to resign. I saw that I had no conscience or sense of responsibility. I had been irresponsible toward my duties and taken them lightly, resulting in the gospel work making no progress, and I also didn’t provide any help to the brothers and sisters. Though I didn’t exhaust myself, I delayed the church’s work. I had been a selfish and untrustworthy person, how could God not hate and be disgusted by me? Thinking back to when the church had fewer members, although there were a lot of tasks and some difficulties in the work, by paying a price and cooperating, after a while, the work showed signs of improvement, and I came to understand some truth principles. As the number of church members increased, and some problems appeared in the work, I was unwilling to pay a price or seek the truth to solve them, because I was afraid of my body breaking down. As a result, not only was the work ineffective, but I didn’t gain any truth either. God has paid such a great price for me, He arranged many situations to purify and change my corrupt disposition, and He gave me the opportunity to gain the truth through my duties, but when faced with difficulties involving physical suffering, I shrank back. This meant that I not only let down God’s painstaking intention but that I also caused losses to the church’s work, and left transgressions in my wake. I felt so guilty and prayed to God, wishing to repent.

After praying, I recalled a passage of God’s words: “How you regard God’s commissions is extremely important, and this is a very serious matter. If you cannot complete what God has entrusted to people, then you are not fit to live in His presence and you should be punished. It is perfectly natural and justified that humans should complete whatever commissions God entrusts to them. This is man’s supreme responsibility, and is just as important as their very lives. If you do not take God’s commissions seriously, then you are betraying Him in the most grievous way. In this, you are more lamentable than Judas, and should be cursed” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Know Man’s Nature). It was true. I had been dismissive, resistant, and lacking in a sense of burden toward my duties. This was a serious betrayal of God and I had been more lamentable than Judas. Judas sold out the Lord Jesus for the sake of his own interests, and at that time, God didn’t preach to him much. But today, I had read so many of God’s words, and I understood some truths and God’s intentions to save people, yet instead of trying my best to do my duties to repay God’s love, I heeded my flesh and was irresponsible toward the church’s work. Weren’t my actions more loathsome than Judas’? In my duties, I only considered my flesh, always took the easy option, and completely disregarded the church’s work. My behavior represented a betrayal of God, and warranted being cursed and punished by God. The truth is, if I’d been more diligent in my duties and willing to put in some effort and pay a price, then the gospel work wouldn’t have been ineffective for months. I had treated my duties lightly and delayed the gospel work. This was a serious transgression! Realizing this, I felt afraid. I reflected on the fact that my attitude toward my duties truly disgusted and was hated by God and that I deserved to be cursed. But God did not treat me according to my actions. Instead, He used the CCP’s arrest of me to compel me to come before Him to reflect on and recognize my corrupt disposition, in the hope that I would be able to forsake my flesh and turn to Him. I was willing to accept God’s judgment and repent to God, and in the future, no matter how tiring or difficult my duties were, I wouldn’t shirk them, and I only wanted to do my best to cooperate.

Later, to address my constant fear of my body breaking down and my death-fearing state, I read more of God’s words that resolved my concerns. God says: “In fact, if one really has faith in God in their heart, they first of all must know that a person’s lifespan is in God’s hands. The timing of one’s birth and death is predestined by God” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). “Some people do everything possible, using various methods to treat their illnesses, but no matter what treatment is used, they cannot be cured. The more they are treated, the more serious the illness becomes. Instead of praying to God to find out exactly what is going on with the illness, and looking for the root cause, they take matters into their own hands. They end up employing a lot of methods and spending quite a bit of money, but their disease still does not get cured. Then, once they’ve given up on treatment, the illness unexpectedly heals on its own after some time, and they do not know how it happened. Some people develop an unremarkable disease and are not really concerned about it, but one day their condition worsens and they die suddenly. What’s going on with that? People are unable to fathom that; actually, from God’s point of view, this is because that person’s mission in this world was completed, so He took them away. People often say, ‘People don’t die if they aren’t sick.’ Is this really the case? There have been people who, after being examined at the hospital, were found to have no illness. They were extremely healthy but ended up dying within a few days. This is called dying without sickness. There are many such people. This means that a person has reached the end of their life, and they have been taken back to the spiritual realm. Some people have survived cancer and tuberculosis and still lived into their seventies or eighties. There are quite a few such people. All this hinges on God’s ordinations. Having this understanding is true faith in God” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). From God’s words, I understood that whether my illness will return and whether I will die are in God’s hands, and that these are not things I can control. Just like my cancer was not a product of my own will, and when I got sick and when I recovered were all predestined by God. What I should do is submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements and do my duty well, and I should not worry in vain about life and death. I had always worried that exhausting myself in my duties would cause my illness to return and that I would die, I hadn’t carried a sense of burden for my duties, and I had delayed the church’s work. At that point I understood that a person’s life and death are in God’s hands, and that regardless of whether my cancer was to return, I had to do my duties well, and that if God allows for death to come upon me, I should have an attitude of acceptance and submission, which is in line with God’s intention.

I also thought about how Noah treated God’s commission. God says: “Faced with all manner of troubles, difficult situations, and challenges, Noah did not shrink back. When some of his more difficult engineering tasks frequently failed and underwent damage, even though Noah felt upset and anxious in his heart, when he thought of God’s words, when he remembered every word that God commanded of him, and God’s elevation of him, then he often felt extremely motivated: ‘I cannot give up, I cannot discard what God commanded and entrusted me to do; this is God’s commission, and since I accepted it, since I heard the words spoken by God and the voice of God, and since I accepted this from God, then I should submit absolutely, which is what ought to be attained by a human being.’ So, no matter what kind of difficulties he faced, no matter what kind of mockery or slander he encountered, no matter how exhausted his body became, how tired, he did not forsake what had been entrusted to him by God, and constantly kept in mind every single word of what God had said and commanded. No matter how his environments changed, no matter how great the difficulty he faced, he trusted that none of this would go on forever, that God’s words alone would never pass away, and only that which God commanded to be done would surely be accomplished. Noah had in him true faith in God, and the submission that he ought to have, and he continued to build the ark that God had asked him to build. Day by day, year by year, Noah grew older, but his faith did not diminish, and there was no change in his attitude and determination to complete God’s commission. Though there were times when his body felt tired and exhausted, and he fell ill, and in his heart he was weak, his determination and perseverance toward completing God’s commission and submitting to God’s words did not lessen. During the years that Noah built the ark, Noah was practicing listening to and submitting to the words God had said, and he was also practicing an important truth of a created being and ordinary person needing to complete God’s commission” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Excursus Three: How Noah and Abraham Obeyed God’s Words and Submitted to Him (Part Two)). From God’s words, I saw that Noah was able to consider God’s intention. Facing the huge difficulty of building the ark, though his body needed to endure much suffering, he did not shrink back. Instead, he persevered in the commission God gave him day in and day out for a hundred years, until the ark was built. Comparing Noah’s practice with my own, I felt so ashamed and humiliated. I hadn’t persisted in my duty, but instead, I’d complained about difficulties and hardships, and thought only of my body at every turn. I was in no way comparable to Noah, I was just a person without a conscience. I had cancer and was healed under God’s protection, and in these years of doing my duties, my illness had not come back, but instead of trying to repay God’s love, I was always thinking about my flesh, worrying about my cancer coming back, and I was always seeking physical comfort. More than once, I even wanted to shirk my duty. I had no loyalty to God, I had been truly selfish and despicable, without any humanity or reason! The more I thought about this, the more guilty I felt, and I felt unworthy of God’s exaltation and salvation. I had to follow Noah’s example and stop heeding my flesh. If given another opportunity to do my duties, I had to cherish it.

Later, the upper leadership assigned me to supervise the work of a church of newcomers. I was very happy, knowing this was God giving me a chance to repent. When I arrived at the newcomers’ church, I saw that the work results were poor, with the gospel work in particular yet to make any progress, and that the team was shorthanded. This made me feel like the difficulties were truly great, and I thought, “To do this work well will require a lot of effort, as well as the study and mastering of various work principles. My health isn’t great, what if my body breaks down?” So, I didn’t want to pay a price. But I realized my thinking was wrong, and so prayed to God, “Oh God, I don’t want to heed my flesh anymore when the church work encounters difficulties, I must have conscience and reason to cooperate with You, please guide me. I am willing to work in complete unison with the brothers and sisters to do the work well.” After that, I made an effort to find suitable host houses when I saw there were no places for gatherings, so that my brothers and sisters could live a church life. I also felt troubled when I saw brothers and sisters who preached the gospel living in difficulty, but I thought about how preaching the gospel is God’s intention, and that I couldn’t shrink back when faced with difficulties, so I sought God’s words to solve the brothers’ and sisters’ states, and I fellowshipped how Noah treated God’s commission, enabling the brothers and sisters to understand the significance of preaching the gospel and God’s urgent intention. After my fellowship, the brothers’ and sisters’ states improved, and they were willing to cooperate on the gospel work. After a while, the gospel work showed some improvement compared to before, which was all thanks to God’s guidance!

Through this experience, I gained some understanding of the essence and consequences of craving comfort, and I have also gained some understanding of God’s righteous disposition. Today, I am able to correct my attitude and feel a sense of responsibility toward my duties. This result was brought about by God’s words, thanks be to God!