By Liu Ying, China

One day at the end of 2019, my granddaughter suddenly said that her leg hurt. I took her to the hospital to have some medical imaging done, but nothing was found, so I didn’t take it seriously. The next day, she said her leg was still throbbing in pain. Seeing her crying in pain made me cry as well. By that night, her leg was hurting more frequently, and she barely slept at all. As I massaged her leg, I kept praying to God and entrusted her illness to Him. On the morning of the third day, my son and daughter-in-law took my granddaughter to the county hospital.

After being hospitalized, she continuously had a high fever. It remained at 40 degrees and didn’t subside. She was examined in the surgical department and internal medicine department, but nothing was found, and the doctors had no cure. Helpless, my son took her to a hospital in the provincial capital. Consultation with experts produced a diagnosis of lupus one moment and a diagnosis of sepsis the next. When my daughter-in-law’s parents returned from the hospital and told me about the situation, I was very worried. Lupus and sepsis were both fatal diseases. Even putting the diagnosis aside, my granddaughter still had a high fever of 40 degrees, which could cause a great deal of damage to her health if it went on too long. Her situation wasn’t looking good. The more I thought about it, the more upset I felt. I had raised my granddaughter, and I couldn’t bear to see anything happen to her. I tried to comfort myself over and over, thinking: “She’ll be fine. God is omnipotent. He will protect my granddaughter. He won’t let her die.” When I thought of my granddaughter’s illness, I often cried in distress. She was still so young, and she had to suffer like this. I wished I was the one struck with this illness so that I could suffer in her place. I also thought, “I believe in God, so why is this happening to my family?” But then I’d think again, “Actually, this situation must have come to me with God’s permission. Perhaps God is testing my faith. I cannot blame God. As long as I persist in doing my duty, my granddaughter’s illness will be cured.” After that, I ate and drank God’s words like usual and continued to perform my duty. When I hosted my brothers and sisters, I did everything I could for them. My brothers and sisters wanted to help me, but I didn’t let them. I thought that as long as I performed my duty as much as I could, God would show me grace, and my granddaughter would get better.

About half a month later, my son called to say that my granddaughter’s illness was confirmed to be sepsis, her high fever continued to come and go, and growths had formed on the pericardium, which was life-threatening. When I heard this news I could feel my heart clench. I couldn’t accept it, so I made a demand of God, “My granddaughter is sick, but I have continued to perform my duty, so she should be getting better! But now, not only has her disease not improved, it’s actually gotten worse. Is it really impossible to cure her disease?” One day, my husband came to me crying and said, “Our granddaughter is dying. The hospital says she is terminally ill, and the doctor says there’s nothing they can do. They’ve told us to bring her home.” My husband’s words were like a bolt from the blue. I couldn’t believe it was true; I couldn’t accept it. My mind was filled with images of my life with my granddaughter. As I thought of how cute she was, my tears couldn’t stop flowing. Over and over, I cried out to God to watch over my heart and lead me to submit. But when I saw the photo of her on my phone, her whole face was swollen, and I lost all will to go on. I didn’t want to read God’s word and I felt no motivation to perform my duty. The only thing I cared about was my granddaughter’s illness. Later, my son-in-law took my granddaughter’s medical records to a large hospital in Shanghai for consultation, but the experts also said there was nothing they could do and suggested we stop spending money on a lost cause. This made me especially upset, “I have believed in God for so many years, I never stopped performing my duties, and I always tried my best to do any work the church arranged for me. Even when my granddaughter got sick, I didn’t give up on my duty. I continued to host my brothers and sisters. After paying such a price, why did my granddaughter get this terrible disease?” The more I thought about it, the more aggrieved I felt. I couldn’t help crying. In my pain, I prayed to God, “God, my granddaughter is dying. I am miserable and weak. I don’t know what to do, and I still have complaints against You. Please guide me in understanding Your intention.”

In my suffering, I thought of God’s word:

4. If, after you have made expenditures for Me, I do not satisfy your petty demands, will you become disheartened and disappointed with Me, or even become furious and shout abuse?

5. If you have always been very loyal, with much love for Me, yet you suffer the torment of illness, poverty, and the abandonment of your friends and relatives, or if you endure any other misfortunes in life, will your loyalty and love for Me still continue?

—The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. A Very Serious Problem: Betrayal (2)

Faced with God’s questions, I felt extremely ashamed. My granddaughter’s illness was a real test for me to see whether I was faithful and submissive to God. In the past, I always thought I had been making an effort and performing my duty for God, and that this meant I was loyal to God. However, when my granddaughter got sepsis, and her condition worsened, I became negative and complained. I stopped wanting to read God’s word, and became unmotivated in my duty. I saw that I wasn’t actually submissive or loyal to God. I prayed to God, asking Him to guide me in learning lessons and being genuinely submissive in the matter of my granddaughter’s illness. I thought of God’s word: “What you pursue is to be able to gain peace after believing in God, for your children to be free from illness, for your husband to have a good job, for your son to find a good wife, for your daughter to find a decent husband, for your oxen and horses to plow the land well, for a year of good weather for your crops. This is what you seek. Your pursuit is only to live in comfort, for no accidents to befall your family, for the winds to pass you by, for your face to be untouched by grit, for your family’s crops to not be flooded, for you to be unaffected by any disaster, to live in God’s embrace, to live in a cozy nest. A coward such as you, who always pursues the flesh—do you have a heart, do you have a spirit? Are you not a beast? I give you the true way without asking for anything in return, yet you do not pursue. Are you one of those who believe in God? … you do not pursue any goals; is your life not the most ignoble of all? Do you have the gall to look upon God? If you continue to experience in this way, will you not acquire nothing? The true way has been given to you, but whether or not you can ultimately gain it depends on your own personal pursuit” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Experiences of Peter: His Knowledge of Chastisement and Judgment). God’s word revealed my state. From the start of my belief in God, I thought that as long as I made an effort for God and performed my duty, God would bless my family with peace and prosperity, and everyone would be free from illness and disaster. Therefore, ever since I started believing in God, I was always eager to perform my duties. God was very gracious to me. Before I knew it, some of my ailments were healed, and my pursuit became even stronger. Even if I was arrested by the Communist Party, I continued to perform my duty after I was released. But when my granddaughter got this terrifying disease, inside I complained that God didn’t protect her. Although I continued to perform my duty, I just wanted God to protect my granddaughter by curing her illness. I wanted to exchange my outward effort and sacrifice for God’s blessing. When my granddaughter’s illness did not improve, her life was put in danger, and the hospital gave up treatment, I completely fell apart. I misunderstood and complained against God, thought God was unrighteous, and became negative and resistant to God. I saw that I believed in God only to gain grace and blessings, that I pursued ease in life and physical safety instead of the truth, and that my sacrifices and efforts were not sincere submission to God, but were instead full of extravagant desires and requirements for God. This was deceiving God and attempting to make a transaction with Him. Later, I read a passage of God’s word: “God will do what He ought to do, and His disposition is righteous. Righteousness is by no means fairness or reasonableness; it is not egalitarianism, or a matter of allocating to you what you deserve in accordance with how much work you have completed, or paying you for whatever work you have done, or giving you your due according to what effort you expend. This is not righteousness, it is merely being fair and reasonable. Very few people are capable of knowing God’s righteous disposition. Suppose God had eliminated Job after Job bore witness for Him: Would this be righteous? In fact, it would be. Why is this called righteousness? How do people view righteousness? If something is in line with people’s notions, it is then very easy for them to say that God is righteous; however, if they do not see that thing as being in line with their notions—if it is something that they are incapable of comprehending—then it would be difficult for them to say that God is righteous. If God had destroyed Job back then, people would not have said He was righteous. Actually, though, whether people have been corrupted or not, and whether they have been profoundly corrupted or not, does God have to justify Himself when He destroys them? Should He have to explain to people upon what basis it is that He does so? Must God tell people the rules He has ordained? There is no need. In God’s eyes, someone who is corrupt, and who is liable to oppose God, is without any worth; however God handles them will be appropriate, and all are the arrangements of God. If you were displeasing to God’s eyes, and if He said that He had no use for you after your testimony and therefore destroyed you, would this, too, be His righteousness? It would. You might not be able to recognize this right now from the facts, but you must understand in doctrine. What would you say—is God’s destruction of Satan an expression of His righteousness? (Yes.) What if He allowed Satan to remain? You dare not say, yes? God’s essence is righteousness. Though it is not easy to comprehend what He does, all that He does is righteous; it is simply that people do not understand. When God gave Peter to Satan, how did Peter respond? ‘Mankind is unable to fathom what You do, but all of what You do contains Your good will; there is righteousness in all of it. How can I not utter praise for Your wisdom and deeds?’ … Everything that God does is righteous. Though humans may not be able to perceive God’s righteousness, they should not make judgments at will. If something He does appears to humans as unreasonable, or if they have any notions about it, and that leads them to say that He is not righteous, then they are being most unreasonable. You see that Peter found some things to be incomprehensible, but he was sure that God’s wisdom was present and that His good will was in those things. Humans cannot fathom everything; there are so many things that they cannot grasp. Thus, to know God’s disposition is not an easy thing” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). After contemplating God’s word, I realized that God’s righteousness is not as I imagined it to be. I imagined it as doing a certain amount of work and receiving the equivalent pay for it, or making an effort and receiving a reward in return. This was my own notion and imagining. God is the truth, and God’s essence is righteousness. No matter what God does and whether or not it conforms to human notions, what God does is righteous. I evaluated God’s righteousness from the point of view of making a transaction or a trade. I believed I would receive God’s blessings if I made an effort and forsook much. I thought if I worked hard to perform my duties, God ought to protect my family and keep my granddaughter from illness and disaster. So, when she became seriously ill, I reasoned with God, complained against God, and thought God was unrighteous. My view was absurd. I was blind and didn’t know God at all. I am a created being, so performing my duty and repaying God’s love is natural and right, it is my duty and responsibility. I should not have tried to make deals with God. Just as children should be filial to their parents, I should unconditionally submit to His orchestrations and arrangements, regardless of whether He gives me grace and blessings or causes me to suffer disasters, as God is righteous. Otherwise, I would not be worthy of being called a human. People who do not believe in God experience birth, old age, sickness, death, disaster, blessings, and misfortune, and those who believe in God are no exception. God never claimed that believers would always be safe and secure. Instead, no matter what situations come to us, God requires us to have genuine faith and submission, and to fulfill the duty of a created being. But I believed in God only to seek blessings. I asked God to keep my family safe and free from illness and disaster, but I didn’t seek the truth and submit to God. Mine was simply a religious belief that I used to seek to eat my fill of loaves. God doesn’t recognize such belief at all. Without the revelation of these facts, I would never recognize my erroneous view of believing in God just to seek blessings. I would never gain the truth believing in this way, but would only be eliminated by God. God allowed for a situation that did not conform to my notions to befall me as a means to purify my desire for blessings in belief in God, to cleanse my adulteration and corruption, and to change and save me. This was God’s love! Thinking of this, I felt a little release.

Next, I continued to reflect on what nature dictated my transactional belief in God. I read God’s word: “All corrupt humans live for themselves. Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost—this is the summation of human nature. People believe in God for their own sake; when they forsake things and expend themselves for God, it is in order to be blessed, and when they are loyal to Him, it is in order to be rewarded. In sum, it is all done for the purpose of being blessed, rewarded, and entering the kingdom of heaven. In society, people work for their own benefit, and in the house of God, they perform a duty in order to be blessed. It is for the sake of gaining blessings that people forsake everything and can withstand much suffering: There is no better evidence of man’s satanic nature” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). “God asks people to treat Him as God because mankind has been too deeply corrupted, and people don’t treat Him as God, but rather as a person. What is the problem with people always making demands of God? And what is the problem with them always having notions about God? What is contained within man’s nature? I’ve discovered that, regardless of what happens to them, or what they’re dealing with, people always protect their own interests and worry about their own flesh, and they always look for reasons or excuses that serve them. They don’t seek or accept the truth in the slightest, and everything they do is in order to defend their own flesh and plotting for the sake of their own prospects. They all solicit grace from God, wanting to gain whatever advantages they can. Why do people make so many demands of God? This proves that people are greedy by nature, and that before God, they are not possessed of any reason at all. In everything people do—whether they are praying or fellowshipping or preaching—their pursuits, thoughts, and aspirations, these things are all demands of God and attempts to solicit things from Him, they are all done by people in the hope of gaining something from God. Some people say that ‘this is human nature,’ which is correct! In addition, people making too many demands of God and having too many extravagant desires proves that people are truly lacking in conscience and reason. They are all demanding and soliciting things for their own sakes, or trying to argue and find excuses for themselves—they do all of this for themselves. In many things, it can be seen that what people do is totally devoid of reason, which is full proof that the satanic logic of ‘Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost’ has already become man’s nature” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. People Make Too Many Demands of God). I contemplated God’s word and realized I believed in God to seek blessings and benefits because I was controlled by satanic toxins such as “Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost” and “Never lift a finger without a reward.” Living by these satanic poisons made me especially selfish and deceitful. I only sought benefits and tried to make transactions with God in performing my duty. Although I had made so much effort and paid a price in my years of belief in God, I did all of it for the sake of my own blessings and benefits. I wanted to exchange the small price I paid for God’s great blessings. I wasn’t submitting to God and being loyal to Him. As a result, when my granddaughter became seriously ill and my ambition for blessings was dashed, I felt aggrieved and complained against God, and I felt no motivation to perform my duty. I used the little effort I made and the price I paid as capital to argue with and oppose God. I saw that in the performance of my duty, I was deceiving God, making demands of God, and attempting to trade with God. I had been corrupted too deeply by Satan, and I was too selfish and deceitful. I thought of Paul, who preached, worked, forsook, made an effort, suffered a great deal, and even died as a martyr. However, he did not pursue the truth or practice the words of the Lord Jesus. All of his forsaking and effort was done to gain rewards and a crown. He said that he had fought the fight and finished his course, and there was a crown of righteousness reserved for him. He meant that God was righteous only if God gave him rewards and a crown, and that if God didn’t reward or crown him, then God was not righteous. From this, we can see that Paul’s suffering and effort in his belief in God were all done to make a transaction with God. In the end, he offended God’s disposition and was punished by God. I was the same. I only believed in God to pursue grace and blessings, and I considered my forsaking and effort as a method and capital to gain blessings. If I didn’t change my erroneous viewpoint of pursuit, no matter how much effort I made, I would never gain God’s approval. I would be revealed and eliminated by God, just like Paul. I then read another passage of God’s word: “As a created being, man should seek to fulfill the duty of a created being, and seek to love God without making other choices, for God is worthy of man’s love. Those who seek to love God should not seek any personal benefits or seek that which they personally long for; this is the most correct means of pursuit. If what you seek is the truth, if what you put into practice is the truth, and if what you attain is a change in your disposition, then the path that you tread is the right one” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Success or Failure Depends on the Path That Man Walks). After reading God’s word, I understood that I am a created being who enjoys the food, water, and abundance of life granted by God. I should pursue the truth, perform my duty well, and pursue submission and love for God. This is the conscience and reason a created being should possess. I thought of how God incarnated twice to save humankind, how He suffered ridicule, slander, and rejection from the world, as well as persecution and condemnation from the Communist Party and the religious world. Despite this, however, He still silently expressed the truth to water and provide for us. He also set up many situations to reveal our corruption, to purify and change us. Although there was still much rebelliousness and corruption within me, and I could misunderstand and complain against God when things didn’t go my way, God never gave up on saving me. He used His words to judge, expose, remind, exhort, comfort, and encourage me as He waited for me to correct my ways. God’s love is so selfless, and He is so lovable! But I had believed in God solely to gain blessings and benefits, and I didn’t pursue love and submission to God. I truly had no conscience or reason. As I recognized this, I felt a deep sense of reproach and remorse, and I felt very indebted to God.

A few days later, the hospital issued another notice that my granddaughter was critically ill, and they discharged her to free up her bed for other patients. When I heard this news, I felt very sad, so I prayed to God, “God, You gave my granddaughter breath. Whatever You do and arrange is appropriate and righteous. Even if she dies, I will have no complaints. I will still believe in You and follow You.” After that, my son took her to another hospital in the provincial capital for treatment. The doctor read my granddaughter’s medical records and said he could not accept her, as her illness could not be cured, so my son returned without hospitalizing her. At this time, I thought, “If God has ordained that my granddaughter will die, no one can save her. If God doesn’t want her to die, so long as she still has one breath, nothing can end her life. Everything is in God’s hands. I will submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements.” When I thought about it this way, I didn’t feel as bad as I had. A few days later, when I went to see my granddaughter, I saw her in torment from the pain. Her face was so thin that she was unrecognizable. It broke my heart, and I couldn’t stop myself from crying. The thought that my granddaughter would die still made me very sad, and I didn’t want to face it. I silently prayed to God, “God, I can’t overcome this situation on my own. Please watch over my heart and guide me in submitting to You.” At this moment, I thought of Abraham’s experience of offering up Isaac. God asked Abraham to offer his son as a burnt offering. At the time, Abraham was also very distressed, but he still put Isaac on the altar as God required. When he raised his knife to kill his son, God saw Abraham’s sincerity and submission and stopped him. Abraham had true faith and submission to God, and he stood firm in his testimony for God in the face of trial, for which he received God’s approval and blessings. Abraham’s experience encouraged me. Thinking of myself, when I saw my granddaughter at death’s door, I said I would submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements, but still couldn’t let go. When I saw her suffering, I still didn’t want to face it. I still hoped for a miracle, that God could cure my granddaughter and let her live a happy life. In my heart, I made demands of God time and again, and I had no reason or submission at all. I thought of God’s word: “Who of the whole of mankind is not cared for in the eyes of the Almighty? Who does not live in the midst of the Almighty’s predestination? Does man’s life and death happen by his own choice? Does man control his own fate? Many people cry out for death, yet it is far away from them; many people want to be those who are strong in life and fear death, yet unbeknownst to them, the day of their demise draws near, plunging them into the abyss of death” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. God’s Words to the Entire Universe, Chapter 11). Yes, people’s lives and deaths, fortune and misfortune, are all in God’s hands. When people are born and when people die are preordained by God. People have no choice in the matter. Whether my granddaughter’s illness could be cured and how long she would live were entirely in God’s hands. No human had any influence over this. Thinking of this, I prayed to God. Regardless of whether my granddaughter’s illness could be cured or not, I was ready to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements.

One day, a sister told me about a home remedy. I made it for my granddaughter according to the method my sister described. I didn’t know if it would cure her, but I thought it was worth a try. Unexpectedly, my granddaughter’s illness began to improve day by day, the fever gradually subsided, and soon she was out of danger. Before long, we found another remedy, and after taking it for a while my granddaughter’s leg didn’t hurt anymore! I was very grateful to God. A few months later, my granddaughter could walk a few steps while holding onto something for support, and her illness gradually improved. A year later, she was able to live and walk normally, and the damage to her heart was repaired. Later, when the experts from the hospital in the provincial capital learned my granddaughter not only wasn’t dead, but had actually fully recovered, they couldn’t believe it was true. We had spent so much money trying to treat her illness at that hospital, but they couldn’t cure her. Several major hospitals had sentenced my granddaughter to death, but when I let go of my desire for blessings, was willing to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements, and handed my granddaughter over to God, her illness was unexpectedly cured using a few inexpensive home remedies. I truly saw God’s omnipotence and sovereignty. Now, there is nothing wrong with my granddaughter aside from a minor limp and a slightly faster heart rate. People familiar with her illness say it’s a miracle that she recovered like she did.

God’s words say: “In their belief in God, what people seek is to obtain blessings for the future; this is their goal in their faith. All people have this intent and hope, but the corruption in their nature must be resolved through trials and refinement. In whichever aspects you are not purified and reveal corruption, these are the aspects in which you must be refined—this is God’s arrangement. God creates an environment for you, forcing you to be refined there so that you can know your own corruption. Ultimately, you reach a point at which you would rather die in order to give up your schemes and desires and to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangement. Therefore, if people do not have several years of refinement, if they do not endure a certain amount of suffering, they will not be able to rid themselves of the constraints of corruption of the flesh in their thoughts and in their hearts. In whichever aspects people are still subject to the constraints of their satanic nature, and in whichever aspects they still have their own desires and their own demands, these are the aspects in which they should suffer. Only through suffering can lessons be learned, which means being able to gain truth, and understand God’s intentions. In fact, many truths are understood by experiencing painful trials. Nobody can understand God’s intentions, recognize God’s almightiness and wisdom, or appreciate God’s righteous disposition when in a comfortable and easy environment or when circumstances are favorable. That would be impossible!” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). Through this experience, I gained some understanding of the desire for blessings and the impurities in my own belief in God. My view on faith has changed, and I have gained a real understanding of God’s almighty sovereignty and righteous disposition. I truly felt it was a good thing to experience these hardships, and this was God’s cleansing and salvation for me.