By Lu Yi, China

In May 2023, I was designing posters in the church. The leader noticed my skills were decent and promoted me to team leader. Seeing the leader had faith in me really pleased me. But I also had some concerns. Before, I had just been a team member, and being less skilled in that role wasn’t a big deal, but now that I was a team leader, the requirements were higher. Would my current skill level meet these requirements? I’d be so embarrassed if I couldn’t handle the job and got dismissed! When I wasn’t a team leader, my brothers and sisters had a pretty good impression of me. But if they knew my actual level of skill, would they think I’d just been putting up a facade and that I didn’t have real talent? Wouldn’t that destroy their good impression of me? Just then, the leader pointed out some issues with a movie poster I had designed. I felt really embarrassed and I worried about what the leader would think of me. Would she think my skills were too poor to provide guidance and oversight? With that in mind, I found a compromise. When discussing issues, I wouldn’t start by sharing my opinion and I’d let others speak first. If everyone’s opinions aligned, I would echo them, but if they didn’t, I’d be vague. This way, even if mistakes were made, my shortcomings wouldn’t be exposed, and I wouldn’t lose face. One time, we were discussing a design. I thought there were some composition issues, but I wasn’t sure. I was worried I’d be wrong and looked down on, so I didn’t take the initiative to fellowship. Later, when the leader asked for my opinion, I got nervous, but on the surface, I wore a calm facade. I said, “My opinion is the same as everyone else’s; I don’t see any other issues.” The leader nodded and didn’t say anything else. Thinking back, I couldn’t even say, “I don’t understand, I’m not clear on this matter.” I felt a bit upset, but I just gave it a little thought and moved on.

The next day, the leader and I discussed a design plan. I was a bit nervous. I looked at the design for a long time but didn’t dare share my opinion. I was afraid of how the leader would see me if I were wrong. Another time, I noticed issues with a design but didn’t have a solution. I wanted to speak honestly, but I was worried about what the leader would think of me if I spoke up. Would she wonder why I couldn’t even fix such a simple problem? Would she think my skills were so lacking? With this in mind, I didn’t speak honestly. I pretended to be wrapped up in thought and told the leader, “I need more time to think about this design. Why don’t you say what you think first?” The leader shared her thoughts based on principles and asked for my view. It felt like the ground was giving way beneath me. I wanted to be honest, but it was like my mouth was sealed shut. In the end, I said, “That’s exactly what I was thinking.” After saying that, I felt distressed, as if I had just swallowed a dead fly. It was clear that I didn’t know how to modify it properly, yet I pretended I knew what to do, to show that I was capable and could analyze the problem. Wasn’t I just trying to deceive and fool people? I felt really distressed. By the end of the day, I felt exhausted and hadn’t gained anything.

During my devotionals, I wondered, “Reviewing designs with the leader could be a chance to improve my skills. This is a good thing, but why do I feel so tired instead of liberated?” Then I read that God’s words say: “Standing in the proper place of a created being and being an ordinary person: Is this easy to do? (It is not easy.) Wherein is the difficulty? It is this: People always feel that their heads are topped with many halos and titles. They also give themselves the identity and status of great figures and supermen and engage in all those pretended and false practices and outward shows. If you don’t let go of these things, if your words and deeds are always constrained and controlled by these things, then you will find it difficult to enter into the reality of God’s word. It will be hard to stop fretting for solutions for things you don’t understand and bring such matters before God more often and offer to Him a sincere heart. You won’t be able to do this. It is exactly because your status, your titles, your identity, and all such things are false and untrue, because they go against and contradict God’s words, that these things bind you up so that you cannot come before God. What do these things bring to you? They make you good at disguising yourself, pretending to understand, pretending to be smart, pretending to be a great figure, pretending to be a celebrity, pretending to be capable, pretending to be wise, and even pretending to know everything, be capable of everything, and be able to do everything. This makes it so others will worship and admire you. They will come to you with all their problems, relying on you and looking up to you. Thus, it is as if you put yourself on a fire to roast. Tell Me, does it feel good to roast on the fire? (No.) You don’t understand, but you dare not say that you don’t understand. You can’t see through, but you don’t dare to say you can’t see through. You obviously made a mistake, but you dare not admit it. Your heart is in anguish, but you dare not say, ‘This time it’s really my fault, I owe a debt to God and to my brothers and sisters. I have caused such a great loss to the house of God, but I don’t have the courage to stand before everyone and admit it.’ Why do you dare not speak? You believe, ‘I need to live up to the reputation and halo my brothers and sisters have given me, I can’t betray the high regard and trust they have for me, much less the eager expectations that they have held for me over so many years. Therefore, I have to keep pretending.’ What is such a disguise like? You have successfully made yourself into a great figure and a superman. Brothers and sisters want to come to you to inquire, consult, and even beseech your counsel about whatever problems they face. It seems that they cannot even live without you. But isn’t your heart in anguish?” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Treasuring God’s Words Is the Foundation of Belief in God). God’s words exposed my true state. When discussing design plans with the leader, I never felt liberated. The main reason was that my nature was truly arrogant and I wasn’t allowing myself to make mistakes, let alone be unable to understand or do something. I was putting myself on a fire to roast. Ever since I was promoted to team leader, the leader had a good impression of me and valued me, so I worried that exposing too many shortcomings in my work would affect how others viewed me. Especially after there were issues with the movie poster I designed, I became even more cautious. I would let others share their opinions first to avoid exposing too many of my own problems. When the leader and I reviewed designs together, I could spot some issues, but I was afraid of being wrong, so I didn’t speak honestly. Sometimes I clearly didn’t have a plan to fix things, but to avoid being looked down on by the leader, I pretended to be knowledgeable, echoing the leader’s opinion and saying I saw things the same way. I was putting up a facade. I was being blatantly deceptive. I didn’t even dare say, “I don’t understand, I’m not clear on this.” I constantly covered up my shortcomings to save face. My concern for reputation and status was far too great! The truth was, since I had just started training, making mistakes was completely normal. Everyone could clearly see my actual skill level, so there was no need to cover it up. Even if the brothers and sisters saw my shortcomings, they wouldn’t look down on me—they would help me. But I insisted on pretending that I knew everything and could do everything. I did my utmost to hide my deficiencies and shortcomings. I was so foolish and ignorant! I kept concealing myself and couldn’t be honest when interacting with others. Living this way was so hypocritical, slippery, and deceitful!

Later, I read more of God’s words: “Regardless of the context, no matter what duty they do, an antichrist will try and give the impression that they aren’t weak, that they are always strong, full of faith, and never negative, so that people never see their real stature or real attitude toward God. … If something major should occur, and someone asks them for their understanding of the event, they are reticent to reveal their views, instead letting others speak first. Their reticence has its reasons: Either it is not that they have no view, but they are afraid that their view is wrong, that if they say it aloud, others will rebut it, making them feel ashamed, and that is why they do not say it; or they do not have a view, and, unable to perceive the matter clearly, they do not dare speak arbitrarily, for fear of people laughing at their mistake—so silence is their only choice. In short, they do not readily speak up to express their views because they are afraid of revealing themselves for what they are, of letting people see that they are impoverished and pathetic, thus affecting the image others have of them. So, after everyone else has finished fellowshipping their views, thoughts, and knowledge, they seize upon some loftier, more tenable claims, which they trot out as their own views and understanding. They summarize them and fellowship them to everyone, thereby gaining high status in the hearts of others. Antichrists are extremely crafty: When the time comes to express a point of view, they never open up and show others their true state, or let people know what they really think, what their caliber is like, what their humanity is like, what their powers of understanding are like, and whether they have true knowledge of the truth. And so, at the same time as bragging and pretending to be spiritual, and a perfect person, they do their utmost to cover up their true face and real stature. They never reveal their weaknesses to the brothers and sisters, nor do they ever try to know their own deficiencies and shortcomings; instead, they do their utmost to cover them up” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Ten)). From God’s words, I saw that antichrists, no matter the duty they do or the situation they are in, never express their opinions easily when something befalls them. They don’t let others know their true state, neither do they let others know about their caliber or humanity, for fear of exposing their weaknesses. To hide their shortcomings, they even claim others’ good suggestions and ideas as their own, summarizing and presenting them as if they thought of them, making others mistakenly think they have insight and caliber, thus achieving the goal of being admired and worshiped by others. Comparing this to myself, I saw my behavior was exactly the same as that of an antichrist! When the leader and I were discussing a design plan, I was afraid the leader would think poorly of my professional skills, so when expressing my opinion, I made a point of speaking vaguely, pretending to understand and echoing the leader. I acted as though I shared the same opinion as the leader, using this to hide my shortcomings. Thinking back, I’d always done my duty like this: To protect my image and status in people’s hearts, I never wanted others to see my shortcomings or deficiencies. There were clearly issues that could have been quickly solved by fellowshipping with someone knowledgeable, but I thought seeking others’ help would make me look incompetent and inferior, so I’d prefer to secretly search for materials and struggle on my own to figure things out, and I wouldn’t seek advice from others. This led to low work efficiency and delays in other tasks. I always wanted to disguise myself as someone who knew and could do everything, putting on a facade for others. Wasn’t I misleading people? Antichrists always conceal and disguise themselves this way. They deceive and mislead people by disguising their true stature, leading people to come before them. How was my behavior any different from that of an antichrist? What I was revealing was the disposition of an antichrist! This realization scared me. I felt that if I didn’t change, I’d be revealed and eliminated. I quickly prayed to God, willing to repent and change. I no longer wanted to disguise myself and deceive others to protect my pride and image.

Later, I sought a path of practice based on my problems. I read that God’s words say: “You must seek the truth to resolve any problem that arises, no matter what it is, and by no means disguise yourself or put on a false face for others. Your shortcomings, your deficiencies, your faults, your corrupt dispositions—be completely open about them all, and fellowship about them all. Do not keep them inside. Learning how to open yourself up is the first step toward life entry, and it is the first hurdle, which is the most difficult to overcome. Once you have overcome it, entering the truth is easy. What does taking this step signify? It means that you are opening your heart and showing everything you have, good or bad, positive or negative; baring yourself for others and for God to see; hiding nothing from God, concealing nothing, disguising nothing, free of deceit and trickery, and being likewise open and honest with other people. In this way, you live in the light, and not only will God scrutinize you, but other people will also be able to see that you act with principle and a degree of transparency. You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts. If you can let these things go, you will be very relaxed, you will live without constraints or pain, and you will live entirely in the light” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). From God’s words, I found a path of practice. When doing one’s duty and encountering matters they can’t understand or handle, one should open up and seek help from others more, and be an honest person. One should be real and not protect their own reputation. That way, they can be in line with God’s intentions and make progress. But I’d only thought of my pride, constantly hiding my shortcomings and disguising myself. I didn’t consider how well the work was being done, nor how to improve my professional skills. Up until that point, I hadn’t grasped principles, my skills hadn’t improved, and I wasn’t doing my duty up to standard. What was the point of just trying to preserve my pride? If I followed God’s requirements and acted as an honest person, though my reputation might suffer a little, my skills could be improved, and I could do my duties better, and God would be pleased. Wouldn’t that be so much better? Thinking of this, I prayed to God, willing to repent. Later, when communicating with everyone, I no longer concealed myself when I didn’t understand something, and I actively brought my questions to the group for discussion. Practicing this way made me feel liberated, and I gained something from others.

Afterward, I did some seeking, wondering, “Why couldn’t I correctly view my shortcomings after being promoted to team leader? What wrong views were controlling me?” While seeking, I read God’s words: “When someone is elected to be a leader by the brothers and sisters, or is promoted by the house of God to do a certain piece of work or perform a certain duty, this does not mean that they have a special status or position, or that the truths they understand are deeper and more numerous than those of other people—much less that this person is able to submit to God, and will not betray Him. Certainly, it does not mean, either, that they know God, and are someone who fears God. They have attained none of this, in fact. The promotion and cultivation is merely promotion and cultivation in the straightforward sense, and is not equivalent to them having been predestined and approved of by God. … So what is the aim and significance of promoting and cultivating someone? It is that this person is promoted, as an individual, in order for them to practice, and in order for them to be specially watered and trained, thus enabling them to understand the truth principles, and the principles, means, and methods of doing different things and solving various problems, as well as how to handle and deal with the various types of environments and people they encounter in accordance with God’s intentions, and in a way that protects the interests of the house of God. Judging based on these points, are the talented people promoted and cultivated by the house of God adequately capable of undertaking their work and doing their duty well during the promotion and cultivation period or prior to promotion and cultivation? Of course not. Thus, it is unavoidable that, during the cultivation period, these people will experience pruning, judgment and chastisement, exposure and even dismissal; this is normal, this is training and cultivation” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (5)). From God’s words, I realized that when God’s house promotes and cultivates someone, it doesn’t mean that this person already understands the truth and has reality or fully grasps principles. Promotion is just an opportunity to train, and this requires people to view their shortcomings correctly. I had viewed myself too highly, thinking that being promoted to team leader meant I had to have better caliber, skills, and other such qualities than others. I put myself on a pedestal, and to prevent others from seeing through me, I disguised and concealed myself, used all kinds of tricks to hide my deficiencies, and even when sharing an opinion, I would overthink things. I wasn’t transparent when interacting with others, and I was binding myself up to the point of exhaustion. On reflection, being promoted to team leader was just an opportunity to train. This circumstance pushed me to pursue the truth and do my duties according to principles. It was normal to have shortcomings and deviations in doing my duty, and I could use these opportunities to make up for my shortcomings, so that through experience, I could understand more truths and grasp more principles, and gradually, I’d be able to do my duty up to standard. In the future, I should view my shortcomings properly and learn to be down-to-earth, and I should put more effort into learning principles and skills. This was what I should pursue and enter into.

One time, the leader was guiding us in our work, and asked us to give our opinions on a backdrop. I heard the two sisters I was cooperating with had different opinions from mine, and I thought, “The two sisters’ opinions are the same. If it turns out I’m wrong, it’ll be so embarrassing. Would they think that I’m so lacking in caliber and taste?” When I thought of this, I hesitated, thinking, “Maybe I should just agree with the sisters, so I won’t feel embarrassed if I’m wrong.” But at that moment, I remembered God’s words that I had read earlier: “You must seek the truth to resolve any problem that arises, no matter what it is, and by no means disguise yourself or put on a false face for others. Your shortcomings, your deficiencies, your faults, your corrupt dispositions—be completely open about them all, and fellowship about them all. Do not keep them inside. … You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts. If you can let these things go, you will be very relaxed, you will live without constraints or pain, and you will live entirely in the light” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). God’s words gave me a path of practice. Regardless of whether one’s opinion is right or wrong, they should bring it up to seek and fellowship if there is something that they don’t understand. This is what it means to be responsible in one’s duty. This thought brightened my heart, and I prayed to God, willing to put my pride aside and speak the truth. To my surprise, the leader agreed with my opinion, and gave us some directions for adjustments. After listening, I had a clearer understanding. I felt that not protecting my pride and not concealing myself, being honest and telling the truth, brought peace and ease to my heart.

Now I was no longer constrained by my pride, and I could openly and simply discuss matters I was not clear on with brothers and sisters. When the leader pointed out my problems, I could accept them, view my shortcomings correctly, and look for relevant principles and professional knowledge to learn. After some time, I made some progress in my technical skills, and made fewer mistakes in my duties. Through this experience, I truly realized that God blesses honest people and detests deceitful ones, and that admitting my deficiencies and shortcomings and practicing being an honest person isn’t shameful, and practicing this way brings peace and ease in my heart.