By Yi Shan, China

In 2003, I accepted Almighty God’s work of the last days. I was really excited, for our long-awaited Lord Jesus had finally returned. After that, I actively went to preach the gospel, wanting to share this great news with more people who yearn for the appearance of God. No matter how religious people hindered, beat or cursed me, or how the great red dragon tried to persecute and arrest me, I persisted in preaching the gospel. After some time, a breast tumor that I’d had for many years miraculously healed without surgery, the income from our family business doubled, and from then on, I put even more effort into my duties. No matter where I went to preach the gospel, how far or how difficult the conditions, I was truly willing. In 2012, I was serving as a church leader and was busy with my duties, so I hadn’t returned home for a while. One day, on my way to a gathering, I ran into my son. He said my granddaughter had developed a malignant brain tumor, that even though they’d spent hundreds of thousands of yuan, it still couldn’t be cured, and that the doctor said she had only two months to live. My heart jolted and my head rang: “Oh my, how could such a young girl have such a disease?” When I got home, I saw my granddaughter with her head bandaged and one of her eyes already blind, yet she was still dancing in front of the TV. A wave of sorrow hit me, and I just couldn’t accept this reality, and I broke down in tears. My granddaughter was only three, full of life; was her young life really about to end? My heart was filled with an indescribable pain, and I hurriedly asked my husband if we could take her to the best hospital for another look, but my husband said, “It’s no use, it’s too late, she can’t be cured, she only has two months left to live.” After hearing what my husband said, I couldn’t sleep at all that night. I thought, “How could my granddaughter have this illness? I’ve been doing my duties ever since I found God, and I’ve suffered a lot. Why didn’t God protect my granddaughter? Why has such a huge trial come upon me?” The more I thought about it, the more pained I felt, and I didn’t want to go out to do my duties anymore. I knew this state wasn’t right, so I prayed to God to rebel against myself, but in my heart, I still hoped that God would heal my granddaughter. I remembered the Bible story where a little girl died. The Lord Jesus took her hand, and she came back to life. So I prayed and entrusted my granddaughter to God. I thought I had to hurry and continue doing my duties, believing that if God saw how much I was sacrificing and expending myself, maybe He would heal my granddaughter. I also told my son and husband to pray more for her.

At that time in my heart, I was hoping for my granddaughter to recover, and I couldn’t stop thinking about her while doing my duties. Memories of her being lively and adorable kept flashing through my mind like a movie. Although I was still doing my duties, it wasn’t with the same sense of burden as before, and especially when I thought of how cute my granddaughter was and that she only had two months left to live, my heart ached like it was being cut by a knife. I couldn’t sleep at night, and I’d often start crying without even realizing it. I lived in weakness and negativity, I was ineffective in my duty, and I realized my state was dangerous. I knew that if I didn’t turn things around quickly, I would lose the Holy Spirit’s work. So I came before God and prayed, “God, my granddaughter has such a serious illness, and I am in so much pain. I ask You to watch over my heart and enlighten me to understand Your intention.” Later, I read a passage of God’s words: “While undergoing trials, it is normal for people to be weak, or to have negativity within them, or to lack clarity on God’s intentions or their path for practice. But in any case, you must have faith in God’s work, and not deny God, just like Job. Although Job was weak and cursed the day of his own birth, he did not deny that all things in human life were bestowed by Jehovah, and that Jehovah is also the One to take them all away. No matter what trials he was put through, he maintained this belief. In your experience, no matter what refinement you undergo through God’s words, what God requires of mankind, in brief, is their faith and their God-loving heart. What He perfects by working in this way is people’s faith, love, and resolve. God does the work of perfection on people, and they cannot see it, cannot feel it; under such circumstances, your faith is required. People’s faith is required when something cannot be seen by the naked eye, and your faith is required when you cannot let go of your own notions. When you do not have clarity about God’s work, what is required of you is to have faith and to take a firm stance and stand strong in your testimony. When Job reached this point, God appeared to him and spoke to him. That is, it is only from within your faith that you will be able to see God, and when you have faith God will perfect you. Without faith, He cannot do this” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Those Who Are to Be Made Perfect Must Undergo Refinement). Meditating on God’s words, I understood that my granddaughter’s illness had been allowed by God, and that it was a trial from God, meant to perfect my faith. I thought of Job, who knew that all his wealth and everything he had were given by God, and that it was perfectly natural and justified for God to take it all away. When God put him through trials, Job chose to curse the day of his birth rather than complain about God. And he could say: “Jehovah gave, and Jehovah has taken away; blessed be the name of Jehovah” (Job 1:21). He had true faith and gave his life to God, allowing God to orchestrate everything. Job’s humanity was so upright and good. I thought about myself. I’d had zeal in doing my duty before, and no matter how much suffering I endured while preaching the gospel, and no matter how the religious world or the great red dragon tried to persecute and condemn me, I never became negative. Instead, I simply continued to preach the gospel and make sacrifices as always. But this wasn’t true faith. It was because, after finding God, my family’s business had improved, and God had healed my illness. I was enjoying God’s grace and blessings. But now that my granddaughter had brain cancer, and only had two months left to live, and God wasn’t healing her as I requested, I began to argue with God based on my previous sacrifices, complaining about Him for not protecting my granddaughter. I even felt that what God was doing wasn’t being considerate, and that He shouldn’t have let such a severe trial come upon me. I realized that I lacked humanity and reason. I had no real faith or submission to God. Thinking of this, I felt as if I had really let God down. God had given me so much, I couldn’t continue to be so greedy. I had to emulate Job and submit to God’s orchestration and arrangements.

Later, while doing my duty, every time I saw the children of the brothers and sisters, I would think of my granddaughter, fantasizing about when my granddaughter could also be healthy again, leaping about and running around me. I remembered how I’d had a breast tumor, and how the doctor said the tumor had grown larger and it would be dangerous if I didn’t have surgery. I relied on God and continued to do my duty, and miraculously, the tumor disappeared. This time, I wanted to do my duty diligently again, so I packed my schedule, often having gatherings with the brothers and sisters and discussing work. The brothers and sisters actively preached the gospel and supported newcomers and no work was delayed. I thought to myself, “Maybe one day, my granddaughter’s illness will suddenly be healed.” Two months later, when I returned home, I found that not only had my granddaughter’s illness not improved, but the cancer had spread throughout her body. She was down to her last breath. A small coffin had already been prepared. My son and daughter-in-law were crying nonstop. My heart was broken and I just couldn’t stop myself from crying. I began trying to reason with God again, saying inwardly, “I haven’t neglected my duty in these past two months while my granddaughter has been ill. Ever since I started believing in God, I’ve always made sacrifices and expended myself. I stopped doing business, the world slanders me, my relatives have abandoned me, and the great red dragon hunts me as well. No matter how harsh the environment is, I have persisted in my duties. How could this be the result? I haven’t done anything to clearly resist God! Why has this happened to me? Why didn’t God protect my granddaughter?” My state plummeted. I didn’t have any strength to walk, and I didn’t even want to eat. I was in so much pain and negativity and thoughts of not wanting to do my duties arose. I knew I shouldn’t complain, but when I saw my granddaughter on the brink of death, I just couldn’t help myself. I silently prayed to God, “God! I don’t want to complain about You, but I really can’t overcome it. I feel so weak and helpless, please keep my heart from complaining.” Soon after, my granddaughter passed away. My heart was in great pain. I had no desire to read God’s words or fellowship at gatherings. Especially when I saw the children of brothers and sisters the same age as my granddaughter, I couldn’t help but cry. I lived in negativity and misunderstanding, and my state didn’t improve for a while. I got no results in my duties either. It was then that I came before God to pray and seek.

One day, I read a passage of God’s words, and my heart brightened a lot. Almighty God says: “If one’s birth was destined by one’s previous life, then one’s death marks the end of that destiny. If one’s birth is the beginning of one’s mission in this life, then one’s death marks the end of that mission. Since the Creator has set up a fixed set of circumstances for a person’s birth, it is certain that He has also arranged a fixed set of circumstances for their death. In other words, no one is born by chance, no one’s death is sudden, and both birth and death are necessarily connected with one’s previous and present lives. What the circumstances of one’s birth are like, and what the circumstances of their death are, are related to the predeterminations of the Creator; this is a person’s destiny, a person’s fate. Since there are many explanations for a person’s birth, there must also necessarily be various special circumstances for a person’s death. In this way, varying lifespans and different manners and times of their deaths came into being among mankind. Some people are strong and healthy, yet die young; others are weak and sickly, yet live to an old age and pass away peacefully. Some perish of unnatural causes, others die naturally. Some die far from home, others shut their eyes for the final time with their loved ones by their side. Some people die in midair, others beneath the earth. Some drown in water, others perish in disasters. Some die in the morning, others at night. … Everyone wants an illustrious birth, a brilliant life, and a glorious death, but no one can surpass their own destiny, no one can escape the Creator’s sovereignty. This is human fate. Man can make all kinds of plans for their future, but no one can plan out how they are born or the manner and time of their departure from the world. Though people all do their best to avoid and resist the coming of death, still, unbeknownst to them, death silently draws near. No one knows when they will perish or how, much less where it will happen. Obviously, it is not man that holds the supreme power over life and death, nor some living being in the natural world, but the Creator, who possesses unique authority. Mankind’s life and death are not the product of some law of the natural world, but a result of the sovereignty of the Creator’s authority” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique III). From God’s words, I understood that human fate, life, and death are all in God’s hands. When a person is born and when they die are all predetermined by God. People can’t change that. Just like my granddaughter’s illness and when she was to die was also predetermined by God, and this wasn’t something that my subjective intentions could change. It can’t be changed through my work, suffering, or sacrifices. I couldn’t submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements, while also hoping that my work and expenditure would have God change my granddaughter’s fate. Wasn’t I essentially opposing God? My granddaughter’s life and death were linked to her past and present lives. She could only live these few years, and that was her fate. In fact, many children from nonbelieving families also die from various terminal illnesses. For example, I knew a nonbeliever whose child also had a brain tumor. At first, it was cured, but then the child relapsed at twelve and ultimately died. From this, I saw that how long a person lives is determined by God, and that it has nothing to do with whether their family members believe in God. But I thought that since I believed in God, my granddaughter shouldn’t die from her illness. That was a fallacious viewpoint. After realizing this, I didn’t feel so much pain in my heart. I was also able to accept from God and submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements regarding my granddaughter’s death. I shared these understandings with my husband and son so they wouldn’t complain about God either.

One day, I read another passage of God’s words and gained some understanding of my issues. Almighty God says: “When it comes to blessings and adversities, there is a truth to be sought. What is the wise saying that people should adhere to? Job said, ‘Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive adversity?’ (Job 2:10). Are these words the truth? These are the words of a man; they cannot be elevated to the heights of the truth, though they do conform to the truth in some way. In what way do they conform to the truth? Whether people are blessed or suffer adversity is all in the hands of God, it is all under the sovereignty of God. This is the truth. Do antichrists believe this? No, they don’t. They don’t acknowledge this. Why do they not believe or acknowledge this? (Their belief in God is in order to be blessed—they only want to be blessed.) (Because they are too selfish, and only pursue the interests of the flesh.) In their belief, antichrists only wish to be blessed, and they do not want to suffer adversity. When they see someone who is blessed, who has benefited, who has been graced, and who has received more material enjoyments, great advantages, they believe that this is done by God; and if they do not receive such material blessings, then this is not the action of God. The implication is, ‘If you really are god, then you can only bless people; you should avert people’s adversity and not allow them to meet with suffering. Only then is there a value and a point to people believing in you. If, after following you, people are still beset by adversity, if they still suffer, then what is the point of believing in you?’ They do not admit that all things and events are in the hands of God, that God holds sovereignty over all. And why don’t they admit this? Because antichrists are afraid of suffering adversity. They want only to benefit, to take advantage, to enjoy blessings; they wish not to accept God’s sovereignty or orchestration, but only to receive benefits from God. This is the selfish and despicable point of view of antichrists. This is a series of manifestations displayed by antichrists concerning such words of God as His promises and blessings. Overall, these manifestations primarily involve antichrists’ viewpoints toward their pursuit, as well as their views, evaluations, and understanding of this type of thing God does for people” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Ten: They Despise the Truth, Brazenly Flout Principles, and Ignore the Arrangements of God’s House (Part Six)). God’s words have exposed the despicable intentions behind antichrists’ belief in God. Antichrists believe in God just to gain blessings and benefits, but as soon as they suffer misfortune, they complain about and betray God. Everything they do is based on the expectation of blessings and benefits. They are essentially trying to bargain with God. Reflecting on my intentions and goals for believing in God, I realized they weren’t much different from an antichrist’s. I too was seeking blessings. Thinking back to when I first believed in God, my breast tumor healed without my even realizing it, and my family’s business thrived. God gave me many blessings and graces, and I was so happy that I couldn’t stop smiling and even sang while walking. Our family was filled with laughter, and even my husband and children said that God is truly good. I felt an endless energy in doing my duties, and I felt that making sacrifices, expending myself, and suffering was worth it. I praised and thanked God from the bottom of my heart. But when I saw my granddaughter diagnosed with a brain tumor and with only two months to live, I complained about God for not protecting her. I prayed and begged to God every day, hoping for my granddaughter to be healed, wishing that God would cure her. I also worked hard to do my duties, hoping that God would, based on my loyalty in performing my duty, miraculously make my granddaughter well again. But when my granddaughter passed away, I became negative and started complaining again, and I didn’t even want to do my duties anymore. I even brought up my past sacrifices and expenditures to try and reason with God. In what way was I a believer in God? I thought of how Paul devoted his life to God, establishing churches everywhere, even suffering imprisonment, all in hopes of receiving God’s rewards and blessings. He viewed all his expenditures as bargaining chips for a crown of righteousness, using these things to coerce God. He severely offended God’s disposition, and ultimately he was met with God’s punishment and curses. My viewpoint on pursuit was the same as Paul’s. I thought that the more I sacrificed and expended myself for God, the more He should give me back in return, and when God didn’t bless me, I complained about Him being unrighteous. I saw how truly selfish and despicable I was, only seeking profit, as if I were working out in the world, thinking that the more work I did, the more pay I should receive, and if I didn’t get this, I wouldn’t work. To do one’s duty is perfectly natural and justified, but I was just doing my duty so that God would bless and grace me. I was only doing my duties for the sake of my own interests. I had no sincerity and was purely transactional. My despicable intentions had truly made God detest me.

Later, I read a passage of God’s words: “No matter how many things happen to them, the type of person who is an antichrist never tries to address them by seeking the truth in God’s words, much less tries to see things through God’s words—which is wholly because they do not believe that every line of God’s words is the truth. No matter how the house of God fellowships the truth, the antichrists remain unreceptive, and in consequence lack the correct attitude no matter what situation they are faced with; in particular, when it comes to how they approach God and the truth, the antichrists stubbornly refuse to put aside their notions. The god they believe in is a god that performs signs and wonders, a supernatural god. Any that can perform signs and wonders—be it Guanyin Bodhisattva, Buddha, or Mazu—they call gods. They believe that only those who can perform signs and wonders are gods that possess the identity of gods, and those who cannot, no matter how many truths they express, are not necessarily gods. They do not understand that expressing the truth is God’s great power and almightiness; instead, they think only performing signs and wonders is the great power and almightiness of gods. Therefore, regarding the practical work of God incarnate expressing the truth to conquer and save people, watering, shepherding, and leading God’s chosen people, enabling them to actually experience God’s judgment, chastisement, trials, and refinement, and come to understand the truth, cast off their corrupt dispositions, and become people who submit to and worship God, and so on—antichrists consider all this to be the work of man, and not of God. In the minds of antichrists, gods should hide behind an altar and get people to make offerings to them, eating the foods that people offer, inhaling the smoke of the incense that they burn, extending a helping hand when they are in trouble, showing themselves to be very powerful and providing immediate assistance to them within the bounds of what is understandable to them, and satisfying their needs, when people ask for help and are earnest in their entreaties. To the antichrists, only a god such as this is a true god. Everything that God does today, meanwhile, is met with the antichrists’ disdain. And why is that? Judging by the nature essence of the antichrists, what they require is not the work of watering, shepherding, and salvation that the Creator performs upon the created beings, but prosperity and the fulfillment of their aspirations in all things, to not be punished in this life, and to go to heaven in the world to come. Their point of view and needs confirm their essence of hatred for the truth” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Fifteen: They Do Not Believe in the Existence of God, and They Deny the Essence of Christ (Part One)). Through the exposure of God’s words, I realized that despite following God for many years, I still believed in a vague god. I treated God like a Bodhisattva, viewing Him merely as an object that grants blessings, believing that as long as I sincerely believed in God and did my duties, God would bless me and ensure my family’s peace, and keep them free from illness and disaster. When my granddaughter was diagnosed with a terminal illness, I thought I could demand God to perform miracles and heal her by doing my duties more. I treated God as an object that granted great blessings, thinking that God should meet my demands based on my “sincere” sacrifices. How was this genuine belief in God? God’s work in the last days isn’t to perform miracles or heal people and drive out demons, but to express the truth to do the work of judgment and chastisement, to purify people and save people from their corrupt disposition so that they can be saved. Yet I didn’t know God’s work and reflect on what my views on pursuit had been over my years of faith, and what path I had taken. I didn’t pay attention to the truths expressed by God, nor did I practically experience God’s words or pursue a change in disposition in the environments orchestrated by God. Instead, I was just trying to bargain with God, demanding grace and blessings. What difference was there between my attitude in believing in God and that of idol worshipers? Wasn’t this blasphemous toward God? I didn’t focus on pursuing the truth in my faith in God, but rather on obtaining His grace and blessings. I was even resistant and complained in my heart due to my granddaughter’s death, thinking God was unrighteous. I didn’t even want to do my duties anymore. I stood in complete opposition to God, and if I didn’t repent, no matter how much I sacrificed or expended myself, I wouldn’t meet with God’s approval.

Later, I read more of God’s words, and I gained a clearer understanding of what my pursuit in believing in God should be. Almighty God says: “You may think that believing in God is about suffering, or doing all manner of things for Him; you might think that the purpose of believing in God is so that your flesh may be at peace, or so that everything in your life runs smoothly, or so that you may be comfortable and at ease in all things. However, none of these are purposes that people should attach to their belief in God. If you believe for these purposes, then your perspective is incorrect, and it is simply impossible for you to be perfected. God’s actions, God’s righteous disposition, His wisdom, His words, and His wondrousness and unfathomableness are all things people ought to understand. Having this understanding, you should use it to rid your heart of all personal demands, hopes, and notions. Only by eliminating these things can you meet the conditions demanded by God, and it is only by doing this that you can have life and satisfy God. The purpose of believing in God is to satisfy Him and to live out the disposition He requires, so that His actions and glory may be manifested through this group of unworthy people. This is the correct perspective for believing in God, and this is also the goal that you should seek” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Those Who Are to Be Made Perfect Must Undergo Refinement). “There is no correlation between the duty of man and whether he receives blessings or suffers misfortune. Duty is what man ought to fulfill; it is his heaven-sent vocation, and should not depend on recompense, conditions, or reasons. Only then is he doing his duty. Receiving blessings refers to when someone is made perfect and enjoys God’s blessings after experiencing judgment. Suffering misfortune refers to when someone’s disposition does not change after they have experienced chastisement and judgment; they do not experience being made perfect but are punished. But regardless of whether they receive blessings or suffer misfortune, created beings should fulfill their duty, doing what they ought to do, and doing what they are able to do; this is the least that a person, a person who pursues God, should do. You should not do your duty only to receive blessings, and you should not refuse to act for fear of suffering misfortune” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Difference Between the Ministry of God Incarnate and the Duty of Man). From God’s words, I understood that believing in God shouldn’t be about seeking blessings or using my duties to achieve my goals, but instead, I should focus on seeking the truth in the environments God has arranged to resolve my corrupt disposition, using my real experiences to testify to God and fulfill my duty as a created being. This is the correct viewpoint on pursuit in believing in God. At the same time, I also realized that doing my duties in my faith is unrelated to receiving blessings or suffering misfortune, as fulfilling the duties of a created being is our responsibility, and whether we encounter blessings or misfortune, we should dutifully do our duties without shirking them. I prayed to God, “God, I shouldn’t complain about You or demand grace and blessings from You. Everything You do is good, and I was blind in not pursuing the truth or understanding Your work, while trying to bargain with You. Now I am willing to abandon my incorrect viewpoint on pursuit and submit to Your sovereignty and arrangements.”

After experiencing this trial and refinement, I gained some understanding of the impure intention of pursuing blessings in my faith in God, my perspective on believing in God has changed a bit, and I have gained some understanding of God’s almightiness and sovereignty. I also understand that experiencing trials and refinement is a good thing, and that this is God’s love for me. Thank God for His salvation!