By Ariana, South Korea

I made videos in the church, and usually, the videos I made had some new highlights. The brothers and sisters were very supportive when they watched these videos, and they often came to me for help when they encountered problems. I felt that I was doing well, and that I had some caliber and gifts. In 2016, I was selected as the supervisor, and I felt quite happy. I thought that being able to be a supervisor meant I had good technical skills and that I was somewhat better than the brothers and sisters. To show everyone that I was capable of my work, I studied professional knowledge even harder. Later, the leader arranged for Sister Diane to cooperate with me. She had good caliber and pretty good technical skills, so I was happy to cooperate with her. We often discussed video innovation and how to improve our techniques together, and through our exchanges and discussions, we always gained some light. I felt it was great to have such a great sister as my partner. After some time, the quality of the videos we produced improved significantly. Diane often brought everyone together to learn technical skills, and when brothers and sisters encountered difficulties, she could fellowship and solve them in light of God’s words. Gradually, I started to feel a bit jealous of her. Especially when discussing work, when the brothers and sisters gathered around her to ask questions, I felt very upset and thought I was being neglected. I thought, “If this goes on, won’t I just become a decorative supervisor? What will the brothers and sisters think of me then? Will they think I’m not as good as Diane?” So, I secretly pushed myself, thinking, “This won’t do, I have to work twice as hard, I can’t fall behind her!”

After this, I made more time to ponder God’s words, hoping to gain some light from them, so that during gatherings, I could fellowship insights that others hadn’t received. I wanted to show everyone that I understood things better than Diane. In learning professional skills, I studied diligently, often putting in overtime and staying up late to search for information. However, the results weren’t very good, and some technical difficulties still didn’t get resolved. The truth was, I knew that Diane had some good methods in studying technical skills, but I was unwilling to ask her, thinking, “Before she came, I was the one getting the brothers and sisters together to learn, and the results were pretty good. If I go and ask her, won’t that just show I’m not as good as her? If the brothers and sisters find out, they’ll surely say that even though I’ve been doing my duty for so long, my caliber is not as good as the newly arrived sister.” With this in mind, I was even less inclined to ask her for help. For several days in a row, I not only didn’t learn anything, but I also wasted a lot of time and energy. It was like my heart was under a heavy stone, and I felt very tired. Later, my jealousy grew stronger. I remember one gathering, I pondered God’s words in advance, thinking that I had to fellowship some new light at this gathering, but when it was my turn to fellowship, my mind went blank, and I couldn’t fellowship what I had prepared in advance. Seeing Diane fellowship clearly and practically while the brothers and sisters nodded in agreement, I felt very upset, thinking, “Can’t you say less and leave me some face? After your fellowship, how will everyone view me in comparison? Will they think I’m not as good as you?” The more I thought like this, the bigger my prejudice against Diane grew. I felt that cooperating with her made me seem useless. I felt utterly humiliated! After her fellowship, I didn’t want to say a word, or lift my head, fearing that the brothers and sisters would see my awkward expression. Diane then asked me, “Do you have anything to add?” It was then that I came to my senses, and with a facade of calmness, I said, “No.” All I wanted was for the gathering to just end. After that, I always looked for excuses to avoid her while cooperating together, and sometimes, when she sent me messages to communicate about work, I saw them but did not want to reply. Sometimes, I even agreed with her viewpoints inside, but I still coldly said things like, “What you’re saying only addresses one aspect,” implying, “You aren’t being comprehensive, so stop trying to show off!” When we checked the videos made by the brothers and sisters, she offered some suggestions, which I thought were appropriate, but I would still nitpick and point out issues. After that, Diane became very cautious when talking to me, as if she was afraid of saying something wrong, and she became hesitant when discussing work, often asking me things like, “Is this okay? How about that?” During fellowship in gatherings, she would occasionally glance at me. I realized that I was constraining my sister, and I felt somewhat guilty. I felt it was inappropriate to treat her like this, but I didn’t know how to face her. Sometimes I thought, “I wish she hadn’t come to this team, then I could still take the lead.”

During this time, I lived in a state of jealousy, constantly thinking about how to surpass Diane, and my mind wasn’t on my duties at all. I couldn’t even find problems while checking the videos made by the brothers and sisters. One day, the leader came to me and said that I was competing for reputation and gain, that I was jealous of talented individuals, and that I wasn’t harmoniously cooperating with others, and that this had affected the video work, and that I would be dismissed and should reflect on myself deeply. I was stunned when the leader said this, and my mind went blank, and I didn’t hear anything else the leader fellowshipped. The next day, the leader wanted to arrange for me to do graphic design because of my drawing skills, but the sister in charge of the art team said that their members were already sufficient and that they didn’t need anyone else. This felt like a real blow to me, and I felt like a useless person that no one wanted, and that I was completely revealed and eliminated. I lived in a state of giving up on myself, not wanting to pray or read God’s words, and I didn’t dare to face the brothers and sisters. I was in so much pain. One night, I was awakened from a nightmare, drenched in sweat, full of fear and unease, and I realized that if I continued to be so despondent and depraved, I would truly be revealed and eliminated. I knelt down and prayed to God, “God, I want to resolve my issues, please enlighten and illuminate me so that I can understand myself and turn my wrong state around.”

Afterward, I read a passage of God’s words: “As a church leader, you do not merely need to learn to use the truth to resolve problems, you also need to learn to discover and cultivate people of talent, whom you absolutely must not envy or suppress. Practicing in this way is beneficial to the work of the church. If you can cultivate a few pursuers of the truth to cooperate with you and do all the work well, and in the end, you all have experiential testimonies, then you are a qualified leader or worker. If you are able to handle everything according to the principles, then you are committing your loyalty. Some people always fear that others are better than they are or above them, that other people will be recognized while they get overlooked, and this leads them to attack and exclude others. Is this not a case of being envious of people with talent? Is that not selfish and despicable? What kind of disposition is this? It is maliciousness! Those who only think about their own interests, who only satisfy their own selfish desires, without thinking about others or considering the interests of God’s house, have a bad disposition, and God has no love for them. If you are truly capable of showing consideration for God’s intentions, you will be able to treat other people fairly. If you recommend a good person and allow them to undergo training and perform a duty, thereby adding a person of talent to God’s house, will that not make your work easier? Will you not then be showing loyalty in your duty? That is a good deed before God; it is the minimum conscience and reason that those who serve as leaders should possess. Those who are capable of putting the truth into practice can accept God’s scrutiny in the things they do. When you accept God’s scrutiny, your heart will be set straight” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). God exposes that people are always afraid of others being better than they are or above them, and that this leads them to attack and exclude others. Such people are envious of people with talent and have a malicious disposition. I was in such a state. Seeing that Diane had good caliber and technical skills, and that the brothers and sisters admired her and asked her questions, I felt a sense of crisis, fearing that I would be surpassed by her. In order to consolidate my position, I worked hard to study professional knowledge and ponder God’s words, and even during gatherings, I thought about how to fellowship in a way that would allow me to surpass her. Seeing Diane fellowship practically, I felt jealous and resentful, and even hoped for her to make a mistake so that the brothers and sisters would no longer admire her. All I thought about was protecting my reputation and status. This was utterly selfish and despicable of me! The fact that Diane had good caliber and her work got good results, was a good thing, as it helped the brothers and sisters and benefited the church work. This was comforting to God, and I should have been happy about this. But I didn’t consider these things, and instead, I was always thinking about how to surpass her. I even deliberately excluded her, nitpicking and showing a bad attitude, which constrained and harmed her. I saw that I was devoid of humanity and that my disposition was malicious. This realization made my face burn. I’d never expected that I was this kind of person!

Later, I thought this over again: I had always been jealous of my sister, what disposition did I reveal? What had caused it? I read God’s words: “In order to obtain power and status, the first thing antichrists do in the church is try to win other people’s trust and esteem, so that they can convince more people, and make more of them look up to and worship them, thereby achieving their goal of having the final say in the church, and holding power. When it comes to obtaining power, they are most skilled at competing and fighting with other people. People who pursue the truth, who have prestige in the church, and who are loved by the brothers and sisters, are their primary competition. Any person who poses a threat to their status is their competition. They compete with those who are stronger than them unflinchingly; and they compete against those who are weaker than them, without feeling any pity at all. Their hearts are filled with philosophies of battle. They believe that if people do not compete and fight, they won’t be able to obtain any benefits, and that they can only get the things they want by competing and fighting. In order to obtain status, and to take a preeminent position within a group of people, they do whatever it takes to compete with others, and they do not spare a single person who poses a threat to their status. No matter who they interact with, they are full of the desire to do battle, and even as they grow old, they still fight. They often say: ‘Could I beat that person if I competed against them?’ Whoever is eloquent, and can speak in a logical, structured, and methodical way, becomes the target of their envy and of their imitation. Even more so, they become their competition. Whoever pursues the truth and possesses faith, and is able to help and support the brothers and sisters frequently, and enables them to emerge from negativity and weakness, also becomes their competition, as does anyone who is an expert in a certain profession, and somewhat esteemed by the brothers and sisters. Whoever gets results in their work, and obtains the recognition of the Above, naturally becomes an even greater source of competition for them. What are the mottos of antichrists, no matter what group they are in? Share your thoughts. (Fighting with other people and with Heaven is a source of endless fun.) Isn’t this mad? This is mad. Are there any others? (God, don’t they think that: ‘In all the universe, only I reign supreme’? That is, they want to be the highest, and no matter who they are with, they always want to outdo them.) This is one of their ideas. Any others? (God, I thought of four words: ‘The winner is king.’ I think that they always want to be superior to others and stand out, no matter where they are, and they strive to be the highest.) Most of what you’ve spoken about are kinds of ideas; try using a sort of behavior to describe them. Antichrists do not necessarily want to occupy the highest position no matter where they are. Whenever they go to a place, they have a disposition and a mentality compelling them to act. What is this mentality? It is ‘I must compete! Compete! Compete!’ Why three ‘competes,’ why not a single ‘compete’? (Competition has become their life, it is what they live by.) This is their disposition. They were born with a disposition that is wildly arrogant and difficult to contain, that is, seeing themselves as second to none, and being extremely egotistical. No one can curtail this incredibly arrogant disposition of theirs; they themselves cannot control it either. So their life is all about fighting and competing. What do they fight and compete for? Naturally, they compete for fame, gain, status, face, and their own interests. No matter what methods they have to use, so long as everyone submits to them, and so long as they obtain benefits and status for themselves, they have achieved their goal. Their will to compete is not a temporary amusement; it is a kind of disposition that comes from a satanic nature. It is like the disposition of the great red dragon that fights with Heaven, fights with the earth, and fights with people. Now, when antichrists fight and compete with others in the church, what do they want? Without a doubt, they are competing for reputation and status” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). From God’s words, I understood that antichrists have a disposition of “Compete! Compete! Compete!” They believe that only through competition and fighting can one obtain everything they desire. Therefore, no matter what group of people they are among, they will fight tooth and nail to claw their way to the top. This is the nature essence of an antichrist. Reflecting on myself in light of God’s words, I realized that I also revealed this kind of disposition. Seeing that Diane received the approval and admiration of the brothers and sisters, my heart was filled with resentment. I felt that since I had been making videos and had some experience and professional skills, I was no worse than her. Before she arrived, the brothers and sisters would discuss all their issues and difficulties with me, and they all thought highly of me. But now everyone crowded around her and asked her questions, and this was something I couldn’t accept. I felt she had stolen my thunder, and so I wanted to reclaim my halo. So I worked hard behind the scenes, working overtime to learn technical skills, and even when reading God’s words, it wasn’t to understand the truth to solve my own issues, but to grasp profound theories to show off and gain the admiration of others. In my heart, I was always thinking about how to surpass Diane, how to put her down, and how to consolidate my position. I also regarded my past experience as capital, thinking that because I had some professional knowledge, I was exceptional, and that it was as if I should be better than others and couldn’t fall behind, so when I saw someone better than myself, I felt resentment and wanted to compete and fight with them. I had become truly arrogant and devoid of reason! I saw that “Compete! Compete! Compete!” had become my nature. What I revealed was the disposition of an antichrist! Realizing this, I felt a deep sense of regret and guilt in my heart, hating myself for having such an overwhelming desire for reputation and status, and for disrupting and disturbing the church’s work and hurting my brothers and sisters to consolidate my position. I was truly lacking in humanity!

Later, I read God’s words: “Satan uses fame and gain to control man’s thoughts, until all people can think of is fame and gain. They struggle for fame and gain, suffer hardships for fame and gain, endure humiliation for fame and gain, sacrifice everything they have for fame and gain, and they will make any judgment or decision for the sake of fame and gain. In this way, Satan binds people with invisible shackles, and they have neither the strength nor the courage to throw them off. They unknowingly bear these shackles and trudge ever onward with great difficulty. For the sake of this fame and gain, mankind shuns God and betrays Him and becomes increasingly wicked. In this way, therefore, one generation after another is destroyed in the midst of Satan’s fame and gain. Looking now at Satan’s actions, are its sinister motives not utterly detestable? Maybe today you still cannot see through Satan’s sinister motives because you think one cannot live without fame and gain. You think that if people leave fame and gain behind, they will no longer be able to see the way ahead, no longer be able to see their goals, that their futures will become dark, dim and gloomy. But, slowly, you will all one day recognize that fame and gain are massive shackles that Satan uses to bind man. When that day comes, you will thoroughly resist Satan’s control and thoroughly resist the shackles Satan uses to bind you. When the time comes that you wish to throw off all the things Satan has instilled in you, you will then make a clean break with Satan and you will truly loathe all that Satan has brought to you. Only then will mankind have a real love and yearning for God” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique VI). From God’s words, I realized that the root of my jealousy toward others was the bondage of my desire for status. Deep down, I held onto the notions of “Aim to stand out and excel,” “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies,” “Men should always strive to be better than their contemporaries,” and so on. These satanic poisons had become my nature, causing my disposition to become increasingly arrogant. I always wanted to stand out from the crowd and vie to be admired, and especially since I believed I had some gifts and caliber, I became even more self-righteous and acted superior. When I saw others better than myself, I felt jealous, and I couldn’t help but compete with others and compare myself to others, and if I couldn’t outdo them, I’d sink into despondency and pain. Fame, gain, and status had become like invisible shackles upon me, and I was uncontrollably ensnared and bound by them, as if without the pursuit of fame and gain, there was no meaning or value in living. Back in my school days, the thought of pursuing fame, gain, and status took root in my young heart, so I wanted to be first in everything I did. In order to achieve good grades and stand out, I was willing to endure any hardship behind the scenes to attain this goal. After entering the workforce, I was willing to work hard for money to gain others’ admiration, even at the expense of my health. As a result, I ruined my health at a young age and nearly lost my life. Even after finding God, I remained bound by fame, gain, and status, being unable to help myself in feeling jealous of those who excelled more than I did and competing with them, as I wanted to prove that I was better than them. When I saw any brother or sister promoted and given an important role or fellowshipping the truth in a practical manner, I’d feel a deep sense of jealousy. Just like this time when cooperating with Diane, I saw that she was better than me, and this made me feel jealousy and resentment. I’d sometimes even dream about competing and vying against her, as I lived in agony. I devoted nearly all my thoughts and energy to pursuing fame and gain, and I had no desire at all to settle down and seek the truth, nor to think about how to do my duties well. I was neglecting my proper responsibilities and going against God’s requirements. My pursuit of fame, gain, and status was not only making my life painful, but was also harming my sister, and delaying the progress of the video work, and if I didn’t repent, I would just end up being revealed and eliminated by God. This realization terrified me, so I hurried to pray to God for repentance, unwilling to continue living by my corrupt disposition.

One day during my devotionals, I read God’s words: “If God made you foolish, then there is meaning in your foolishness; if He made you bright, then there is meaning in your brightness. Whatever talents God gives you, whatever your strengths, however high your IQ, they all have a purpose for God. All these things were preordained by God. The role you play in your life and the duty you do were ordained by God long ago. Some people see that others possess strengths they do not and are discontent. They want to change things by learning more, seeing more, and being more diligent. But there is a limit to what their diligence can achieve, and they cannot surpass those with gifts and expertise. No matter how much you fight, it is useless. God has ordained what you will be, and there is nothing anyone can do to change it. Whatever you are good at, that is where you should make an effort. Whatever duty you are suited to is the duty you should perform. Do not try to force yourself into areas outside your skillset and do not envy others. Everyone has their function. Do not think that you can do everything well, or that you are more perfect or better than others, always desiring to replace others and put yourself on display. This is a corrupt disposition. There are those who think that they cannot do anything well, and that they have no skills at all. If that is the case, you should just be a person who listens and submits in a down-to-earth manner. Do what you can and do it well, with all your strength. That is enough. God will be satisfied. Do not always think about surpassing everyone, doing everything better than others, and standing out from the crowd in every way. What kind of disposition is that? (An arrogant disposition.) People always possess an arrogant disposition, and even if they want to strive for the truth and satisfy God, they fall short. Being controlled by an arrogant disposition makes people the most liable to go astray. … When you have a disposition like that, you are always trying to keep others down, always trying to get ahead of them, always jockeying, always trying to take from people. You are highly envious, you don’t yield to anyone, and you are always trying to distinguish yourself from the crowd. This spells trouble; this is how Satan acts” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). From God’s words, I understood that the caliber a person has is preordained by God and carries His intentions. People should learn to submit and take their rightful place as created beings, utilizing their strengths to do their duties well. They should not force themselves in areas where they aren’t skilled, nor compete with others, but should be able to submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements and harmoniously cooperate with brothers and sisters to complement each other. This is the manifestation of people who possess reason. Looking back at my interactions with Diane, at first, I was able to see her strengths, but as my jealousy grew, I was controlled by my desires, unable to see anything clearly, as if I had been blinded, and so my jealousy grew ever stronger. The truth was, Diane was quite meticulous and considered issues comprehensively, and especially when it came to some issues of principles, she was very cautious; while I tended to think simply, often leading to the need for rework, and I was also unable to handle issues of principles. Additionally, Diane was good at bringing everyone together to learn, she was able to grasp key points when studying, and she communicated in an organized manner with clear thoughts. Every time we discussed work, her fellowship supplemented what I might have missed, making our discussions more comprehensive. Her strengths complemented my weaknesses, and this cooperation yielded better results in our duties. Realizing this, I felt a sense of liberation in my heart.

Next, I took the initiative to approach Diane, and I openly fellowshipped with her about my recent state of living in jealousy, and apologized to her. Diane was happy to see the understanding I had gained, and she opened up to me about the corruption she had revealed and the lessons she had learned as well. Practicing this way brought me a sense of liberation. Later, whenever the church needed me to do some work, I actively cooperated, and my state improved a lot. After some time, the leaders assigned me to supervise video work again, and I sincerely thanked God. One time, I cooperated with Diane on a video, where Diane primarily reported the progress and communicated issues with the leaders. Sometimes the leaders would ask Diane for updates, and I’d feel a bit unpleasant, thinking, “I put in a lot of effort behind the scenes to make this video, but in the end, it’s Diane who reported the work and got the spotlight, will the leaders think I’m not as good as her?” At that moment, I realized that my jealousy was acting up again, so I quickly prayed to God in my heart, trying to rebel against myself. I thought of God’s words: “You must learn to let go and set these things aside, to recommend others, and to allow them to stand out. Do not struggle or rush to take advantage of opportunities to stand out and shine. You must be able to put these things aside, but you must also not hold up the performance of your duty. Be a person who works in quiet obscurity and does not show off to others while you loyally perform your duty. The more you let go of your pride and status, and the more you let go of your interests, the more at peace you will feel, the more light there will be in your heart, and the more your state will improve. The more you struggle and compete, the darker your state will become. If you do not believe Me, try it and see! If you want to reverse this sort of corrupt state, and to not be controlled by these things, you must seek the truth, and clearly understand the essence of these things, and then put them aside and relinquish them” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). God’s words provided me with principles of practice. When it comes to situations involving standing out or taking the spotlight, I need to learn to let go and set my desire aside. This is what God requires and what people should practice. This time, I wanted to satisfy God in this matter, so regardless of how the leaders would view me or what the brothers and sisters would think of me, I had to do my best to fulfill my responsibilities. Even though I wasn’t seen by others, I should accept God’s scrutiny and do my duties well. Additionally, Diane proactively reporting work to the leaders wasn’t wrong, and it showed she had an earnest and responsible attitude toward the work. Diane spoke in a relatively clear manner, this was what she was good at, and her being able to report work clearly was beneficial to the work. With this understanding, I felt a great sense of ease.

After that, I could cooperate normally with Diane. We often discussed work and summarized problems together, I frequently sought her advice on technical issues, and I learned a lot from her. I realized that harmonious cooperation is very beneficial for doing our duties well. Thank God!