By Xu Tao, China

In 2023, I was watering newcomers in the church. By training, I was able to grasp some principles in various aspects. My partnered sisters hadn’t trained for long, and in relation to difficulties they had in either their duties or personal life entry, they would come to me for help to resolve them. I felt I had some sense of presence in the team, and I enjoyed being relied upon and admired by others. One day, I suddenly received a message from the supervisor, asking me to evaluate gospel sermons. I couldn’t help but feel somewhat unsettled, “I’ve already grasped some principles in watering newcomers, and I feel like I’ve really got the hang of this duty, but if I take on a new duty, I’ll have to train and learn the ropes all over again, and if I don’t do this duty well and then get dismissed, what will the brothers and sisters think of me? Wouldn’t I be utterly humiliated?” After thinking it over, I felt I’d be safer in my current duty. But when I thought about how the church had arranged this, I felt that refusing would make me seem utterly lacking in reason, so I reluctantly submitted.

At first, Sister Yu Xin guided me in learning the principles. We looked up information together when there was something I didn’t understand, and gradually, I began to grasp some principles for evaluating sermons. I thought to myself, “It seems I’m capable of this duty.” A few days later, Sister Qing Ming joined the team. At first, Qing Ming didn’t share her opinions much, but after a week, I noticed that Qing Ming was improving rapidly. While I couldn’t find any problems yet in a sermon after we’d read through it, she had already identified its issues. For several sermons in a row, she was the first to spot the problems. I couldn’t help but feel a sense of crisis, “Qing Ming joined later than me but is progressing faster. If this continues, won’t I end up falling even further behind her? Won’t that make me the weakest in the team?” This thought made me feel quite upset. Later, when we evaluated sermons together, I worried that I wouldn’t spot the issues or that my views might be inaccurate. Sometimes, after we finished reading a sermon, while I was still thinking things through, Qing Ming would start sharing her well-reasoned insights. Yu Xin would agree with her analyses, and when I saw Yu Xin and Qing Ming laughing and discussing these things together, I’d feel like I’d faded into the background, and I’d be filled with feelings of repression and want to leave. I even started suspecting, “If the supervisor comes to a gathering some day and sees my lack of progress, will she think I’m lacking in caliber and that she made a mistake assigning me this duty? If I’m dismissed because of my poor caliber, I’ll be utterly humiliated!” I couldn’t help but reminisce about my time doing my duty watering newcomers. Back then, I was a key figure in the team, and my partnered sisters would seek my help with work issues, and most of the time, my suggestions would be adopted during discussions. But now I’d become the weakest in the team! I simply couldn’t accept being this inadequate. The more I thought about it, the more regretful I felt, thinking, “If I had known things would turn out like this, I wouldn’t have taken on this duty and embarrassed myself!” For several days in a row, I found myself trapped in a state of despondency. I became more passive in my duty and couldn’t discern issues when evaluating sermons. I realized my state wasn’t right, so I came before God in prayer, “God, I’m feeling really negative, and even the thought of being reassigned in my duty because of my poor caliber makes me feel humiliated. I don’t want to live in this state and be manipulated by Satan. Please guide me out of this state.”

During my devotionals, I read a passage of God’s words: “All people have some incorrect states within them, like negativity, weakness, despondency, and fragility; or they have base intents; or they are constantly troubled by their pride, selfish desires, and self-interest; or they think that they are of poor caliber, and they experience some negative states. It will be very hard for you to obtain the work of the Holy Spirit if you always live in these states. If it is hard for you to obtain the work of the Holy Spirit, then the active elements within you will be few, and the negative elements will come out and disturb you. People always rely on their own will to repress those negative and adverse states, but no matter how they repress them, they cannot shake them off. The main reason for this is that people cannot thoroughly discern these negative and adverse things; they cannot see their essence clearly. This makes it very hard for them to rebel against the flesh and Satan. Also, people always get stuck in these negative, melancholic, and degenerate states, and they do not pray or look up to God, instead they just muddle through them. As a result, the Holy Spirit does not work in them, and they are consequently unable to understand the truth, they lack a path in everything they do, and they cannot see any matter clearly. There are too many negative and adverse things within you, and they have filled your heart, so you are often negative, melancholic in spirit, and you stray farther and farther from God, and become weaker and weaker. If you cannot gain the Holy Spirit’s enlightenment and work, you will not be able to escape these states, and your negative state will not change, because if the Holy Spirit is not working in you, you cannot find a path. Because of these two reasons, it is very hard for you to cast off your negative state and enter into a normal one. … People’s hearts are completely occupied by satanic things. This is clear for all to see. If you do not cut these things out, if you are unable to cast off these negative states, you will be unable to transform yourself into the likeness of a child and come before God in a vibrant, lovely, innocent, simple, truthful, and pure way. Then, it will be difficult for you to obtain the work of the Holy Spirit or the truth” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). Pondering on God’s words, I came to understand that if one does their duty without a pure and honest heart, and is constantly calculating for the sake of their pride and status instead of focusing on their duty, it’s very hard to receive the work of the Holy Spirit. Looking back, I wondered why my mind had often been blank over the last few days, why I couldn’t discern whether there were issues in the sermons, and why I couldn’t feel the Holy Spirit’s guidance. It turned out that my relationship with God had become abnormal. I thought back to when I first started evaluating sermons, and I realized that I hadn’t been thinking about how to equip myself with truth principles to do my duty well, and that instead, I’d been preoccupied with my pride, status, and sense of presence in the team. When we evaluated sermons together and I saw Qing Ming progressing faster than me, I felt a sense of crisis. I was constantly afraid that Qing Ming would surpass me and leave me at the bottom. When I saw that I was still thinking things through while Qing Ming was already expressing her views and gaining Yu Xin’s approval, I felt so inferior that I wanted to escape this situation, and I even regretted taking on this text-based duty. All my thoughts were all about pride and status, and I didn’t have a shred of sincerity toward God. God had elevated me to shoulder such an important duty, and I should earnestly study and grasp the principles as quickly as I could to select valuable sermons to testify to God. Only then could I satisfy God. But because my motives in my duty were wrong, and I didn’t put my heart in the right place, I couldn’t receive God’s leadership and guidance. For so long, I’d made no progress. Not only did I suffer losses in my life, but the church’s work was also delayed. If I continued to focus on pride and status without attending to my proper responsibilities, I would lose my duty. Reflecting on this, I felt a sense of fear, and so I came before God to offer a prayer of repentance, “God, I haven’t attended to my proper responsibilities, and I’ve constantly been pursuing reputation and status, disgusting You. God, I no longer want to continue down this wrong path, I am willing to do my duty with my feet on the ground in the future, and I ask that You scrutinize my heart.”

Later, I read another passage of God’s words: “When someone has an opinion or some enlightenment and shares it with you in fellowship, or something is put into practice according to their principles, and you see the result is not bad, is that not gaining something? This is being shown favor. Cooperation among brothers and sisters is a process of offsetting one’s weaknesses with another’s strengths. You use your strengths to compensate for others’ shortcomings, and others use their strengths to make up for your insufficiencies. This is what it means to offset one’s weaknesses with others’ strengths and to cooperate harmoniously. Only when cooperating in harmony can people be blessed before God, and the more of this one experiences, the more reality they possess, their path grows brighter as they walk it, and they become ever more at ease” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. On Harmonious Cooperation). After reading God’s words, my heart felt brighter. I understood that God’s arrangement for Qing Ming and me to cooperate reflected His intention. Qing Ming had preached the gospel before and had a good understanding of common religious notions, so when she pointed out issues she noticed, this complemented my shortcomings perfectly, helping me to quickly understand and grasp the notions and states of religious people. Was I not making a great gain from this? After understanding God’s intention, I felt somewhat relieved. During our subsequent sermon evaluations, I stopped constantly comparing myself with Qing Ming, and instead, I listened to her opinions first on issues I couldn’t see through myself, and by practicing this way, I was no longer constrained over concerns about my pride. Through a period of practice, I made some progress and felt more relaxed and liberated in my duty.

After some time, another sister, Fang Hua, joined our team. Fang Hua had believed in God for quite a long time, and during our sermon evaluations together, Fang Hua was able to quickly identify the issues in the sermons and articulate them rationally and convincingly. Meanwhile, I just sat on the sidelines, feeling like I couldn’t contribute. My heart was roiling, and I felt ill at ease. Gradually, I noticed that my partnered sisters held Fang Hua in high regard. They sought her guidance whenever they encountered something they didn’t understand, and I felt a faint sense of discomfort in my heart, as I thought to myself, “Fang Hua is better than me in every way. Doesn’t this make me the lowest in the team again?” Two of my sisters noticed my incorrect state and used God’s words to help me, but I couldn’t listen, and I continued living in a state of negativity and resistance. During sermon evaluations, I couldn’t discern problems. I thought to myself, “I have poor caliber and can’t contribute much to the team. It’s for the best that I just stay in the corner and avoid contact with anyone to save myself from embarrassment.” At night, I tossed and turned, unable to sleep and feeling pained and tormented. At that moment, I finally realized that the pride and status and people’s admiration I cherished were all worthless and empty, and that they couldn’t alleviate the pain in my soul in the slightest. I really missed the days when I had God’s presence, as I felt a peace and joy in my soul that I couldn’t have traded for anything else. I had nothing but hatred for my rebelliousness and inability to rebel against my flesh and practice the truth. My being loathed by God and left in darkness was my own fault alone. In my pain, I came before God and prayed, “God, I know the path I’ve been walking is wrong. I’ve been constantly pursuing reputation and status to earn others’ admiration. I don’t want to be tricked by Satan like this anymore. Please help me rebel against my corrupt disposition.” The next morning, I opened up about my state with one of my partnered sisters. She said to me, “Your issue isn’t your poor caliber. It’s that the path you’re walking is wrong. You’re always pursuing reputation and status and comparing yourself to others.” The sister also fellowshipped her experiences and found a passage of God’s words to help me. I read these words of God: “Let no person think of themselves as perfect, distinguished, noble, or distinct from others; all this is brought about by man’s arrogant disposition and ignorance. Always thinking of oneself as set apart—this is caused by an arrogant disposition; never being able to accept their shortcomings, and never being able to confront their mistakes and failures—this is caused by an arrogant disposition; never permitting others to be higher than themselves, or to be better than themselves—this is caused by an arrogant disposition; never allowing others’ strengths to surpass or exceed their own—this is caused by an arrogant disposition; never permitting others to have better thoughts, suggestions, and views than themselves, and, when they discover that others are better than themselves, becoming negative, not wishing to speak, feeling distressed and dejected, and becoming upset—all of this is caused by an arrogant disposition. An arrogant disposition can make you protective of your reputation, unable to accept others’ corrections, unable to confront your shortcomings, and unable to accept your own failures and mistakes. More than that, when someone is better than you, it can cause hatred and jealousy to emerge in your heart, and you can feel constrained, such that you do not wish to do your duty and become perfunctory in performing it. An arrogant disposition can cause these behaviors and practices to emerge in you” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). Through the exposure of God’s words, I finally came to understand why every time I interacted with people of better caliber than mine, I ended up wallowing in a negative state, and even wanting to abandon my duty and betray God. It was because of my overly arrogant nature and my constant pursuit of having a sense of presence among others. Once I saw others who were stronger or who had better caliber than I did, and I felt I could no longer stand out among them, I’d feel inadequate, dwell in a state of negativity, and delimit myself. In reality, everyone’s caliber, whether good or poor, is ordained by God. In my constant comparisons of myself with others and in the negativity I felt when I fell short, was I not resisting God and failing to submit to His sovereignty and arrangements? I saw how truly arrogant I’d been!

Later, I reflected further, asking myself, “Why, even though I want to do my duty well, can I not help but constantly seek pride and status?” I continued to seek the truth to resolve this. During my devotionals, I read this passage of God’s words: “For antichrists, status and reputation are their life. No matter how they live, no matter what environment they live in, no matter what work they do, no matter what they pursue, what their goals are, what their life’s direction is, it all revolves around having a good reputation and a high status. And this aim does not change; they can never put aside such things. This is the true face of antichrists, and their essence. You could put them in a primeval forest deep in the mountains, and still they would not put aside their pursuit of reputation and status. You can put them among any group of people, and all they can think about is still reputation and status. Although antichrists also believe in God, they see the pursuit of reputation and status as equivalent to faith in God and give it equal weight. Which is to say, as they walk the path of faith in God, they also pursue their own reputation and status. It can be said that in antichrists’ hearts, they believe that pursuit of the truth in their faith in God is the pursuit of reputation and status; the pursuit of reputation and status is also the pursuit of the truth, and to gain reputation and status is to gain the truth and life. If they feel that they have no reputation, gains, or status, that no one admires them, or esteems them, or follows them, then they are very disappointed, they believe there is no point in believing in God, no value to it, and they say to themselves, ‘Is such faith in god a failure? Is it hopeless?’ They often deliberate such things in their hearts, they deliberate how they can carve a place out for themselves in the house of God, how they can have a lofty reputation in the church, so that people listen when they talk, and support them when they act, and follow them wherever they go; so that they have the final say in the church, and fame, gain, and status—they really focus on such things in their hearts. These are what such people pursue” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). From God’s words, I saw that antichrists really cherish reputation and status. No matter who they’re with or what duty they do in God’s house, they’re always thinking about their reputation and status. They treat reputation and status as the goal of their pursuit and even as their life. Once they don’t receive admiration or respect from others, and lose their place in others’ hearts, they lose their motivation to do their duties. Viewing myself in light of this, I saw that my behavior and the path I’d taken had been just like those of an antichrist. Looking back, I saw that no matter who I was with, my thoughts were never about how to wholeheartedly do my duty well, and that I only cared about whether I could gain people’s admiration and whether I had a good image and presence in others’ hearts. Once my desire for pride and status wasn’t satisfied, and I felt I didn’t have the final say or presence in a group, I’d become negative and passive, and lose my motivation to do my duty, and I’d even consider giving up my duty and betraying God. When I was doing watering duties, no matter what issues were discussed, most of the time, everyone would adopt my views and suggestions, I felt that I had a presence and the final say, and my vanity was satisfied. So I became very active in my duty, and no matter how much pressure there was from the work, I’d never complain. But ever since starting sermon evaluations, I saw that all my partnered sisters were better than me, and I felt that I’d become the worst in the team. Consequently, my desire for pride and status wasn’t satisfied, so I lost my motivation to do my duty, and I wanted to give up this duty. I’d always pursued reputation and status, and I’d been walking the wrong path. “Man struggles upward; water flows downward.” “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies.” “Better to be a big fish in a small pond.” These satanic principles of survival had become deeply rooted in my heart, and I treated reputation and status as my goal in my pursuit and cherished these things as my life. Without people’s admiration, I felt as though my life had been taken away. I clearly knew in my heart that sermon evaluation was an important task in the church, but I didn’t put my heart into this duty. My thoughts were all about my reputation and status, and as a result, when evaluating sermons, I couldn’t see through the problems, and my duty didn’t yield any results. Doing my duty in this way surely disgusted God. Upon reflecting on these things, my numb heart started to feel something. I felt some fear in my heart, and moreover, I felt a sense of guilt and indebtedness. I came before God and prayed, “God, thank You for exposing and judging me through Your words so that I could recognize the wrong path I’ve been walking. This is Your salvation for me. God, I no longer wish to pursue these worthless things. I am willing to repent to You, and from now on, I will do my duty with my feet on the ground to make up for my transgressions.”

During my devotionals, I read a passage of God’s words and came to understand His intentions and requirements for people. God says: “If God made you foolish, then there is meaning in your foolishness; if He made you bright, then there is meaning in your brightness. Whatever talents God gives you, whatever your strengths, however high your IQ, they all have a purpose for God. All these things were preordained by God. The role you play in your life and the duty you do were ordained by God long ago. Some people see that others possess strengths they do not and are discontent. They want to change things by learning more, seeing more, and being more diligent. But there is a limit to what their diligence can achieve, and they cannot surpass those with gifts and expertise. No matter how much you fight, it is useless. God has ordained what you will be, and there is nothing anyone can do to change it. Whatever you are good at, that is where you should make an effort. Whatever duty you are suited to is the duty you should perform. Do not try to force yourself into areas outside your skillset and do not envy others. Everyone has their function. Do not think that you can do everything well, or that you are more perfect or better than others, always desiring to replace others and put yourself on display. This is a corrupt disposition. There are those who think that they cannot do anything well, and that they have no skills at all. If that is the case, you should just be a person who listens and submits in a down-to-earth manner. Do what you can and do it well, with all your strength. That is enough. God will be satisfied” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). From God’s words, I came to understand that the caliber I have has been predetermined by God, that I must do my best to do my duties according to my caliber, and that this satisfies God’s intentions. But because my views on what I was to pursue had been wrong, I’d always have my own ambitions and desires. Whenever I saw others with caliber better than mine, I’d feel dissatisfied and constantly compare myself to them, and I’d constantly want to surpass them and gain people’s admiration. I didn’t submit to God’s ordination, and I always wanted to transcend God’s sovereignty. Was I not opposing God in this? At the same time, I also understood that God doesn’t look at whether someone’s caliber is good or bad, and that instead, He looks at a person’s attitude toward their duties, whether they have a sense of responsibility, and whether they can do their duties according to the truth principles. If a person has poor caliber, but they can listen, submit, and do their duties with their feet on the ground according to the principles, then they can still receive God’s approval. Some people have good caliber and comprehend things quickly, but when they do their duties, they are always slippery, act perfunctorily, and slack off. They show no sense of responsibility toward their duties, and God detests such people. Moving forward, no matter the caliber of the people around me, I couldn’t compare myself to others, as God has given each person a different caliber and has different requirements for them. My caliber may have been a bit lacking, but I could do my duty as best I could according to my caliber and cooperate harmoniously with everyone. Only then could I do my duties with peace and assurance. Through the guidance of God’s words, my state gradually improved, and I felt more at ease and liberated. From then on, I put my heart into my duties, and after a while, my duties began to yield some results. I thanked God in my heart.

Later, I was chosen as a preacher. When I saw that my partnered sisters were younger than me and that they had better caliber than me, I couldn’t help but feel some pressure. When we were fellowshipping and carrying out work together in particular, I saw that my partnered sisters fellowshipped the truth clearly, enabling people to understand it easily. In comparison, my expression wasn’t so clear or comprehensive, and I began to delimit myself, thinking, “With my caliber, am I going to be able to do this duty well?” At this point, I realized my state was wrong again, and I silently prayed in my heart, “God, I no longer want to compare myself with others, and I don’t want to dwell in my corrupt disposition and allow myself to be tricked by Satan. Please protect me.” I read that God’s words say: “When people can rationally approach their own caliber and then accurately identify their own position, acting as created beings that God wants in a down-to-earth way, doing what they should do properly based on their inherent caliber, and dedicating their loyalty and all their effort, they achieve God’s satisfaction” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (7)). After reading God’s words, my heart grew brighter. The caliber I have has been predetermined by God, and I had to view this properly and identify my own position. God has bestowed upon each of us different caliber, and His requirements for us are also different. When we cooperate in our duties, we are supposed to be complementing each other’s strengths and making up for one another’s weaknesses. Every person has their own strengths to make use of, and only by trying my best to cooperate can my performance of my duties align with God’s intentions. Later on, when cooperating in our duties, when I saw my sisters doing better than me, I tried to learn from their strengths to make up for my own shortcomings, and when I practiced this way, I felt much more at ease and liberated. My being able to gain this understanding and entry has been entirely due to God’s words.