By Lin Jing, China

My personality is inherently very introverted, and ever since I was a child, I never talked very much. Especially when in front of people, I got so nervous that I couldn’t say anything. Compared with other children of a similar age, my reactions were slower and my brain was less nimble. My parents, relatives, and friends always scolded me, saying that I wouldn’t speak in front of others. They also said that in society today, if you can’t speak well, you won’t be welcome: Strong arms and steady legs are no match for a silver tongue. My younger cousin was more honey-tongued than me. Everyone praised how well she talked, and they all liked her. I felt very inferior, like I was in every aspect not as good as others, and I wasn’t quick-witted. I hated myself—why couldn’t I be as good at talking as others? I was too stupid, and my ability to express myself was too poor! I always felt like I was a grade below others, and became more and more introverted. In May 2012, I accepted God’s work of the last days. Through eating and drinking the words of God, I realized that God likes honest people, and through contact with my brothers and sisters and seeing their ability to open their hearts and talk about their experiences, I too slowly tried to open up and talk about my thoughts. I started to speak a little more.

In January 2018, I was training to do text-based duties. Right at the start, when I saw my sisters had any problems in doing their duty, I was bold enough to directly point them out, and I was not very constrained when I spoke. However, as I spent more time in contact with them, I discovered that my sisters all had their strengths, and all had some practical experiences. Especially Sister Chen Xi, she expressed herself very clearly when discussing work or fellowshipping about her personal experiences. I felt envy in my heart. I felt that Chen Xi was of good caliber, and compared to her, I was inferior in all regards. Later, when we were gathering or discussing work, I felt a bit constrained, and I did not dare to speak what was on my mind readily. I was afraid that I would not speak as well as others and be mocked as a result. One day in March, Chen Xi said that I was talking a bit chaotically during my fellowship. I felt ashamed, and extremely sad in my heart. Later on, when I went to gatherings to fellowship or express opinions, I would involuntarily think of Chen Xi’s criticism of me. I would feel like I was inarticulate, and I was afraid of saying something wrong and making a fool of myself, so I did not dare to state my own opinion readily. Because I did not express my own opinion, my partner sisters had to set down their work to enquire about my state. This hindered the progress of the work. One time, the supervisors were discussing work with us, and I had my opinions and suggestions. But then I thought, “I’m inarticulate, and if I can’t express myself clearly, what will they think of me?” The words reached the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed them down. When I heard that the opinions voiced by Chen Xi were very similar to what I thought, I felt very sad at heart, “Look at her! She is highly articulate and doesn’t suffer from stage fright. Why am I so inarticulate? I can’t even say what is on my mind!” Later, I lived in a despondent state, and delimited myself even more as being inarticulate, bad at talking, and of poor caliber. I also grumbled—why had God not given me a silver tongue, while Chen Xi’s caliber was so good? Slowly, I talked less and less, and when gathering or discussing work I would often be drowsy. I would not dare talk about any kind of state I had. Actually, when I saw that I was not fulfilling my duty and made my sisters attend to my feelings, I felt sad in my heart, but I didn’t know how to get out of this state. Finally, I didn’t even want to do text-based duties anymore, I felt so repressed, and I was in agony. Because I was never able to turn my state around, I lost the Holy Spirit’s work, and my duty was reassigned.

After my duty was reassigned, I felt extremely sad. I started to reflect on why I was so negative and passive in doing my duty. I read these words of God: “All people have some incorrect states within them, like negativity, weakness, despondency, and fragility; or they have base intents; or they are constantly troubled by their pride, selfish desires, and self-interest; or they think that they are of poor caliber, and they experience some negative states. It will be very hard for you to obtain the work of the Holy Spirit if you always live in these states. If it is hard for you to obtain the work of the Holy Spirit, then the active elements within you will be few, and the negative elements will come out and disturb you. People always rely on their own will to repress those negative and adverse states, but no matter how they repress them, they cannot shake them off. The main reason for this is that people cannot thoroughly discern these negative and adverse things; they cannot see their essence clearly. This makes it very hard for them to rebel against the flesh and Satan. Also, people always get stuck in these negative, melancholic, and degenerate states, and they do not pray or look up to God, instead they just muddle through them. As a result, the Holy Spirit does not work in them, and they are consequently unable to understand the truth, they lack a path in everything they do, and they cannot see any matter clearly” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). By eating and drinking the words of God, I realized why I was negative: I believed that I couldn’t fellowship as well as others, and so I delimited myself as being of poor caliber. I was also constantly hung up on how others saw me. This resulted in me not daring to voice my opinions. I would spend my days cowering, feeling repressed with no way to feel liberated. When doing my duty, I couldn’t gain the Holy Spirit’s work and I couldn’t even give play to what I once had. This not only constrained my partner sisters, but also delayed the progress of our overall work. In reality, my caliber wasn’t so bad to the point that I couldn’t see any problems, as when I first started, I was able to do some work and voice a few opinions, but later on, once I saw that Chen Xi was better than me, and she said that my fellowship was unclear, I started to constantly worry that she would look down on me. For fear of losing face, I didn’t dare express my own opinions anymore. Because I was living in a negative state over such a long period, my spirit became dark and downcast and my duties didn’t yield any results, and so I had to be reassigned. I thought it over, and realized that though I wasn’t good with words, I should treat my deficiencies and shortcomings correctly, and give full play to what I could do. As for the things I couldn’t do, I should pray to God, rely on God, and absorb the strengths of my brothers and sisters to remedy my own weaknesses. Only by doing my duty in this way could I gain God’s guidance. Moving forward, I turned my state around, and put my heart into my duty. When I didn’t understand things, I sought principles with my sisters and studied the relevant professional knowledge together. When I saw areas in which my sisters fellowshipped better than me, I tried to absorb these strengths of theirs to remedy my own deficiencies. Gradually, my state improved and I started to gain some paths in my duty, which began to yield some results.

In June 2021, I was made a leader in the church and, together with Brother Li Yang, we took on responsibility for the church’s gospel work. Li Yang had been doing gospel duties for many years, was very good with words, and was a quick thinker. I felt a bit constrained working with him. One time, we were discussing how to preach the gospel to potential recipients. I had some ideas, but as I thought of how Li Yang had more experience than me in preaching the gospel, I was worried what he would think of me if I couldn’t fellowship well, and so I held back. Then I realized that when communicating about work, both parties should express their opinions and complement each other, and so I said what I was thinking. But when I spoke, I was very nervous and didn’t express myself clearly. Li Yang listened and then pointed out some of my deficiencies. At that time, I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I thought to myself, “I couldn’t even talk clearly about the principles of preaching the gospel; what will my brothers and sisters think of me? It’s so embarrassing!” After that, when I came into contact with Li Yang again, it felt like my heart was being crushed by a pile of rocks. I felt so weighed down, and I started to rarely put forward my opinions, and just sat to one side as an onlooker. Later, I came to notice that Li Yang relied on experience when preaching the gospel instead of seeking principles, and that he didn’t accept other people’s suggestions. This obstructed our gospel work and I wanted to point this out to him, but then I thought to myself, “Li Yang is so much more articulate than me. If he puts forward a different view and I’m not able to fellowship clearly, won’t I just lose face even more?” So I didn’t expose his problems, leading to the progress of the gospel work being delayed. Later, I encountered many difficulties in my gospel work, and the work wasn’t bearing any fruit. I felt extremely stressed, and then I thought about how inarticulate I was and how I found it hard to express myself clearly. This made me feel even more strongly that I couldn’t do the duty of a leader well, and I even thought about resigning. My state got worse and worse until finally I was dismissed.

After being dismissed, I felt extremely sad, and reflected on myself, “Why do I always feel constrained when I’m with articulate and quick-witted people?” One day during my devotional, I saw two passages of God’s words in an experiential testimony video, and felt really moved. Almighty God says: “There are some people who, as children, were ordinary-looking, inarticulate, and not very quick-witted, causing others in their families and social environments to give rather unfavorable appraisals of them, saying things like: ‘This kid is dull-witted, slow, and a clumsy speaker. Look at other people’s children, who are so well-spoken that they can wrap people around their little finger. Whereas this kid just pouts all day long. He doesn’t know what to say when meeting people, doesn’t know how to explain or justify himself after doing something wrong, and can’t amuse people. This kid is an idiot.’ The parents say this, relatives and friends say this, and their teachers also say this. This environment exerts a certain, invisible pressure on such individuals. Through experiencing these environments, they unconsciously develop a certain kind of mindset. What kind of mindset? They think that they are not good-looking, not very likable, and that others are never happy to see them. They believe that they are not good at studying, are slow, and always feel embarrassed to open their mouths and speak in front of others. They are too embarrassed to say thank you when people give them something, thinking to themselves, ‘Why am I always so tongue-tied? Why are other people such smooth talkers? I’m just stupid!’ … After growing up in such an environment, this mindset of inferiority gradually takes over. It turns into a kind of lingering emotion that becomes tangled with your heart and fills your mind. Regardless of whether you are already grown, have gone out into the world, are married and established in your career, and regardless of your social status, this feeling of inferiority that was planted in your environment growing up is impossible to get rid of. Even after you start believing in God and join the church, you still think that you have average looks, have poor intellectual caliber, are inarticulate, and cannot do anything. You think, ‘I’ll just do what I can. I don’t need to aspire to be a leader, I don’t need to pursue profound truths, I’ll just be content with being the least significant one, and let others treat me however they like.’ … This feeling of inferiority is perhaps not inborn in you, but on another level, because of your family environment and the environment you grew up in, you were subjected to moderate blows or improper judgments, and this caused the feeling of inferiority to arise in you” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). “When feelings of inferiority are implanted deeply in your heart, they not only have a profound effect on you, they also dominate your views on people and things, and your comportment and actions. So, how do those who are dominated by feelings of inferiority perceive people and things? They regard other people as better than themselves, and they also view antichrists as being better than themselves. Even though antichrists have evil dispositions and are of poor humanity, they still treat them as people to emulate and role models to learn from. They even say to themselves, ‘Look, although they have a bad disposition and evil humanity, they are gifted and are more capable in work than me. They can comfortably display their abilities in front of others and speak in front of so many people without blushing or having heart palpitations. They’ve really got guts. I can’t match up to them. I’m just not brave enough.’ What brought this on? It must be said that part of the reason is that your feelings of inferiority have affected your judgment of people’s essences, as well as your perspective and standpoint when it comes to viewing other people. Is this not the case? (It is.) So how do feelings of inferiority affect how you comport yourself? You tell yourself: ‘I was born stupid, with no gifts or strengths, and I am slow to learn everything. Look at that person: Although they sometimes cause disruptions and disturbances, and act arbitrarily and recklessly, at least they are gifted and have strengths. Wherever you go, they’re the kind of person that people want to make use of, and I’m not.’ Whenever anything happens, the first thing you do is pass a verdict on yourself and close yourself off. Whatever the issue is, you retreat and avoid taking initiative, and you fear taking on responsibility. You tell yourself, ‘I was born stupid. No matter where I go, no one likes me. I can’t stick my neck out, I mustn’t show off my minuscule abilities. If someone recommends me, that proves that I’m alright. But if no one recommends me, then it wouldn’t do for me to take the initiative to say that I can take on the job and do it well. If I’m not confident about it, I can’t say that I am—what if I mess it up, what would I do then? What if I got pruned? I’d be so ashamed! Wouldn’t that be humiliating? I can’t let that happen to me.’ Take a look—has it not affected your comportment? To a certain extent, your attitude toward how you comport yourself is influenced and controlled by your feelings of inferiority. To a certain extent, it can be called a consequence of your feelings of inferiority” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). God exposed that from childhood, some people are inarticulate and not as quick-witted as others, and receive unfavorable appraisals at home and in society. This causes the feeling of inferiority to arise in them. When I thought back to how, as a child, I did not like talking, was dull-witted, and had an introverted personality, with relatives, friends, teachers, classmates, and even my mother calling me inarticulate, I felt so inferior, and constantly felt like I was a grade lower than others. Although after I started believing in God, by reading God’s words, I was able to open up and talk about what was on my mind with my brothers and sisters, when I encountered someone as gifted, articulate, and quick-witted as Chen Xi, unconsciously, I felt inferior. When discussing our work I would not dare to express my opinion, and when gathering to fellowship about God’s words, I would not dare to share my comprehension and understanding. When Li Yang and I were working together and jointly responsible for the gospel work, I saw that he did his duty with a corrupt disposition and hindered the gospel work, and knew that I should expose him. But I was worried that I would not be able to speak clearly, and if he put forward a different opinion and I was not able to refute him, I would lose face. So I watched the gospel work be hindered with open eyes, not daring to fellowship with Li Yang. Later, the gospel work encountered many difficulties, and I felt that because I was inarticulate and couldn’t express myself clearly, I was incapable of doing the duty of a leader. I even thought about resigning, and giving up. Living in feelings of inferiority, I was unable to do my duty normally, and could not practice the truth. Not only did this cause a loss to my life, but my work did not bear fruit and in the end I was dismissed. If I carried on living in this state without turning it around, I would not be able to do any duty well, and would end up being eliminated by God. When I understood this, I felt extremely sad. I did not want to carry on living in feelings of inferiority, and had to treat my own deficiencies and shortcomings correctly.

One time, I opened up to a sister about my state and difficulties. She found a passage of God’s words for me. God said: “Antichrists’ cherishment of their reputation and status goes beyond that of normal people, and is something within their disposition essence; it is not a temporary interest, or the transient effect of their surroundings—it is something within their life, their bones, and so it is their essence. This is to say that in everything antichrists do, their first consideration is their own reputation and status, nothing else. For antichrists, reputation and status are their life, and their lifelong goal. In all they do, their first consideration is: ‘What will happen to my status? And to my reputation? Will doing this give me a good reputation? Will it elevate my status in people’s minds?’ That is the first thing they think about, which is ample proof that they have the disposition and essence of antichrists; that is why they consider things this way. It can be said that for antichrists, reputation and status are not some additional requirement, much less things which are external to them that they could do without. They are part of the nature of antichrists, they are in their bones, in their blood, they are innate to them. Antichrists are not indifferent toward whether they possess reputation and status; this is not their attitude. Then, what is their attitude? Reputation and status are intimately connected to their daily lives, to their daily state, to what they pursue on a daily basis” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). After reading the words of God, I understood that, just like an antichrist, I had placed too much importance on reputation and status. From a young age, I had felt that I was inarticulate and not as good at talking as others. When I encountered articulate people while doing my duty, I felt very inferior. In particular, when my own deficiencies and shortcomings were exposed and I lost face, I would feel even more despondent, and delimit myself as being of poor caliber, but would not seek the truth to resolve my problem. I only attended to saving face, and did not do my duty well. I thought about how God had blessed me with the opportunity to train to be a leader in the church, and arranged articulate, experienced brothers and sisters to work with me. God’s intention was that I should absorb the strengths of others to compensate for my deficiencies and shortcomings. This was so beneficial for me in understanding the truth and improving my professional knowledge. However, I was not trying to seek the truth to do my duty well, but was solely focused on my image in other people’s hearts. When I saw that I was not as good as others, I felt inferior and constrained, living in a negative state, not thinking to strive upward. When I saw Li Yang disrupt and disturb the work of the church, I didn’t dare say anything, and did not fulfill the responsibilities that I should have fulfilled. I was just like an antichrist, placing great weight on face and status, while not upholding the work of the church at all. Truly, I had not the slightest humanity! My two dismissals were the result of God’s righteousness.

Later, I read another two passages of God’s words, and realized that there was another reason for me living in a state of inferiority. That is, I was unable to distinguish between what good caliber is and what poor caliber is. I read these words of God: “How should people’s caliber be measured? It should be measured based on the degree to which they comprehend God’s words and the truth. This is the most accurate way of doing it. Some people are silver-tongued, quick-witted, and especially skilled at handling other people—but when they listen to sermons, they are never able to understand anything, and when they read God’s words, they do not comprehend them. When they talk about their experiential testimony, they always speak words and doctrines, revealing themselves to be mere amateurs, and giving others the sense that they have no spiritual understanding. These are people of poor caliber” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. To Fulfill One’s Duty Well, Understanding the Truth Is Most Crucial). “Pursuing the truth is the most important thing, no matter from which perspective you view it. You can avoid the defects and deficiencies of humanity, but you can never evade the path of pursuing the truth. Regardless of how perfect or noble your humanity may be, or whether you may have fewer flaws and defects, and possess more strengths, than other people, this does not signify that you understand the truth, nor can it replace your pursuit of the truth. On the contrary, if you pursue the truth, understand a lot of the truth, and have an adequately deep and practical understanding of it, this will compensate for many defects and problems in your humanity. For example, say that you are timid and introverted, you have a stutter, and you’re not very well-educated—that is, you have a lot of defects and inadequacies—but you have practical experience, and though you stutter when you talk, you can still fellowship the truth clearly, and this fellowship edifies everybody when they hear it, resolves problems, enables people to emerge from negativity, and relieves them of their complaints and misunderstandings about God. See, though you stammer out your words, they can still resolve problems—how important these words are! When laymen hear them, they say that you are an uncouth person, and you don’t follow grammar rules when you speak, and sometimes the words you use aren’t really fitting either. It may be that you use regional lingo, or everyday language, and that your words lack the class and style of those of highly educated people who speak very eloquently. However, your fellowship contains the truth reality, it can resolve people’s difficulties, and after people hear it, all the dark clouds around them disappear, and all their problems are solved. What do you think, isn’t understanding the truth important? (It is.)” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). From God’s words I understood that having good caliber does not mean that someone has a strength in a certain area; neither is it the case that somebody who is articulate, quick-witted, and skilled at handling other people is of good caliber. These are just inherent qualities that people have. Genuinely having good caliber means that a person can comprehend God’s words. A person with good caliber is able to comprehend the words of God and understand the truth principles; when they fellowship God’s words, they can combine them with people’s states and difficulties and point out a path of practice. Even though on the surface they may have some defects, and their ability to express themselves may not be very good, they can still solve people’s real problems and edify them. In the past, I always relied on my notions and imaginings to weigh things up. When I saw I was not good with words, I lived in a state of inferiority, delimited myself as being of poor caliber, and was constrained by face and status at every turn. I did not do the work I was able to do, and in the end I lost the Holy Spirit’s work and was dismissed. I thought of some brothers and sisters. Although they are not good with words, they are able to rely on God and look up to Him when doing their duty. If they don’t understand a problem, they are able to seek from and fellowship with others, and after a period of time they show some improvement. From this, I saw that whether a person is good with words or not isn’t important at all. The key thing is understanding and practicing the truth. I thought about how I was inarticulate and somewhat dull-witted, and when I saw people who were better with words than me I got nervous and developed stage fright. However, I had some ability to comprehend the words of God, and had some thoughts and ideas regarding problems in my duty; I could solve some problems. It was not at all the case that my caliber was so poor that I didn’t have any thoughts or opinions of my own. However, as soon as I saw someone who was better with words than me, I lived in feelings of inferiority. I retreated into my shell when doing my duty, and did not even dare to speak. I was not looking at people and things in accordance with God’s words at all. I had to turn around my mistaken opinions, and stop envying and esteeming those who are articulate talkers on the outside.

In January 2024, I needed to teach Wang Ling, the leader of the gospel team, a computer technique. When I thought about how good Wang Ling was with words, my heart felt a bit nervous when I was teaching her. I thought about how to express myself so she would understand, but when I got to the most critical point, she said she couldn’t understand me. At this point, I felt a bit sad, and felt that I was no good, so I silently prayed to God. I realized that I had again revealed a state of inferiority, and felt constrained when I saw that Wang Ling was better with words than I was. I thought of previously, when I was always living in a state of inferiority and unable to do my duty normally, letting many opportunities to practice the truth slip away. This time, I could no longer act as before, always considering my own face and status. When I thought this way, my heart calmed down, and I asked Wang Ling what bits she couldn’t understand and what difficulties she had in learning the technique. Through communicating with Wang Ling and patiently guiding her, she learned the skill in the end. We were both extremely happy. Now, I can do my duty normally without being constrained by feelings of inferiority, and in my heart I am very thankful to God! After these experiences, I saw that in the face of problems, seeking the truth and understanding the truth is absolutely critical. Only by viewing people and things in accordance with God’s words can we cast off negative emotions and live in liberation and freedom.