By Mengfan, China

In December 2022, I developed trigeminal neuralgia. After the surgery, the right side of my head was still numb and I often felt dizzy and uncomfortable. Sometimes when I walked, it felt like I was drunk, and I was so dizzy that I could barely stand. The doctors said it was due to insufficient blood supply to the brain. They also diagnosed me with mild cerebral artery sclerosis, and said that I shouldn’t overexert myself or stay up late. After hearing this, I thought to myself, “Both my neighbors had cerebral hemorrhages due to hardened blood vessels, and they ended up in vegetative states and passed away shortly after. What if I get dizzy one day, accidentally fall, rupture a cerebral blood vessel, and end up in a vegetative state?” I thought about my heart issues too and I felt I shouldn’t overwork myself in the future. After all, if I collapsed from overexertion and couldn’t do my duties, wouldn’t it hinder my life growth? How would I attain salvation then? So I started exercising every day, hoping to recover as soon as I could. By April 2023, I had recovered somewhat, so I volunteered to take on some church duties of general affairs. The sisters I cooperated with were considerate, only giving me light and simple tasks. I was very happy. I felt that my duty was perfect, that I wouldn’t even have to worry or overexert myself and that my doing this duty wouldn’t delay my pursuit of salvation.

In May 2023, the general affairs deacon and my partnered sisters couldn’t continue doing their duties due to security concerns, and suddenly, all their responsibilities fell on me alone. I felt a bit resistant, thinking, “I still haven’t fully recovered, and there’s so much work. What if my illness flares up, I get dizzy, and fall down on the road?” I realized that the church couldn’t find anyone else suitable for the work of general affairs, and that I was the only one who was familiar with the work, so I couldn’t refuse. I thought if I cooperated actively to uphold church work, God would protect me. So I submitted. There was a lot of affairs work to handle, and I was busy every day. After some time, my dizziness worsened, and sometimes after physical work during the day, my limbs wouldn’t respond properly in the evening. On top of that, my herniated disc acted up, and I had lower back pain. I thought to myself, “If I keep exerting myself like this, will I end up bedridden and in a vegetative state like my neighbors? I could even lose my life. If I can’t even do simple duties, how will I attain salvation? I thought that by shouldering responsibilities, God would protect and watch over me and help me recover quickly. But now, instead of improving, my condition has worsened. It seems I can’t worry too much about duties, I should prioritize my health.” At that time, the church hadn’t chosen a deacon for general affairs yet, and some items needed to be handled urgently, but I thought handling these items would require exertion and effort, so I was unwilling. I thought, “My health isn’t good, and if I collapse from exhaustion, it wouldn’t be worth it. Anyway, I’m not the deacon of general affairs, so I should prioritize my health.” Consequently, I only considered my physical health and didn’t handle these items. Later, it was only after the leader followed up and asked about it that I finally worked with a few brothers and sisters to take care of them. After that, the leader asked me to temporarily take charge of the church life for a few general affairs personnel. I thought to myself, “I don’t really understand these people. If someone is in a bad state, I’ll have to find relevant truths to fellowship with them and offer a solution. I’m already exhausted enough from my duties, my dizziness has gotten worse recently, and my lower back hurts. I’d rather rest in my spare time. Wouldn’t it be even more exhausting for me to host gatherings for them?” So I declined, saying I wasn’t a supervisor. Later, I learned that a sister among them was struggling with illness and had been in a poor spiritual state. I felt a bit guilty. I did have some time, but I was just afraid of overexerting myself and worsening my condition. Because I never resolved my state, whenever my duties became a bit busier or I did some physical work, and I felt tired or uncomfortable, I would worry, thinking, “Is my condition worsening again? What if one day I fall off my bike and die on the road?” The more I thought about it, the more afraid I became. I feared my condition would worsen and prevent me from doing my duties, or worse, that I’d lose my life and my chance at salvation. So I kept urging the leader to select a deacon for general affairs as soon as possible. That way, I wouldn’t have to worry and overexert myself. To my surprise, one day in August 2023, I was elected as the deacon of general affairs. Hearing this news, I felt a lot of resistance, thinking, “I thought that with a deacon of general affairs chosen, I could go back to doing light, simple duties like before. I didn’t expect them to make me the deacon of general affairs. The deacon of general affairs has to follow up on all the church’s general affairs, and sometimes has to do physical work too. If I damage my health or even lose my life, how can I achieve salvation? No way am I doing this duty.” So I found an excuse, saying, “My caliber isn’t up to the duty of a deacon of general affairs.” The leader fellowshipped with me about God’s intention, asking me to seek more. I felt a bit guilty, and I realized that the brothers and sisters choosing me as the deacon came with the consent of God. I couldn’t resist any longer, so I prayed to God and accepted it for the time being.

Later, I realized that my constant focus on my illness showed my lack of understanding of God’s sovereignty, so I looked for God’s words in this regard. One day, I saw an experiential testimony video that contained a passage of God’s words which helped me a lot. Almighty God says: “Then there are those who are in poor health, who have a weak constitution and lack energy, who are often sick with major or minor illnesses, who cannot even do the basic things necessary in daily life, who cannot live or get about like normal people. Such people often feel uncomfortable and unwell while performing their duties; some are physically weak, some have real illnesses, and of course there are some who have known and potential diseases of some kind or other. Because they have such practical physical difficulties, such people often sink into negative emotions and feel distress, anxiety, and worry. What are they feeling distressed, anxious, and worried about? They worry that if they keep performing their duty like this, expending themselves and running around for God like this, and always feeling this tired, then will their health deteriorate more and more? When they reach 40 or 50, will they be confined to their beds? Do these worries hold up? Will anyone provide a concrete way of dealing with this? Who will take responsibility for this? Who will be answerable? People with poor health and who are physically unfit feel distressed, anxious, and worried about such things. People with an illness will often think, ‘Oh, I’m determined to perform my duty well, but I’ve got this illness. I ask God to keep me from harm, and with God’s protection I need not be afraid. But if I get exhausted when performing my duties, will my condition flare up? What will I do if my condition really flares up? If I need to be admitted to hospital to undergo an operation, I have no money to pay for it, so if I don’t borrow the money to pay for my treatment, will my condition get even worse? And if it gets really bad, will I die? Could such a death be considered a normal death? If I really do die, will God remember the duties I’ve performed? Will I be considered to have done good deeds? Will I attain salvation?’ There are also some who know they are sick, that is, they know they have some real illness or other, for example stomach diseases, lower back and leg pain, arthritis, rheumatism, as well as skin diseases, gynecological diseases, liver disease, hypertension, heart disease, and so on. They think, ‘If I keep performing my duty, will God’s house pay for treatment for my illness? If my illness gets worse and it affects the performance of my duty, will God heal me? Other people have been cured after believing in God, so will I be cured too? Will God cure me, just as He shows kindness to others? If I loyally perform my duty, God should heal me, but if only I wish God to heal me and He doesn’t, then what am I going to do?’ Whenever they think of these things, they get a profound feeling of anxiety rising up in their hearts. Even though they never stop performing their duty and they always do what they’re supposed to, they think constantly about their illness, their health, their future, and about their life and death. Finally, they reach the conclusion of wishfully thinking, ‘God will heal me, God will keep me safe. God won’t abandon me, and God won’t stand by and do nothing if He sees me getting sick.’ There is no basis at all for such thoughts, and they can even be said to be a kind of notion. People will never be able to resolve their practical difficulties with such notions and imaginings as these, and in their innermost hearts, they feel vaguely distressed, anxious, and worried about their health and their illnesses; they have no idea who will take responsibility for these things, or whether anyone will take responsibility for them at all” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). Comparing myself to God’s words, I saw I was exactly the kind of person God describes. After being left physically weak and extremely dizzy after the surgery, and ever since I’d been diagnosed with insufficient blood supply to the brain and mild cerebral artery sclerosis, I’d been living in constant distress and anxiety, always worrying that my condition might worsen, leaving me paralyzed and bedridden and unable to do my duties, which would mean losing my chance for salvation. After starting my duty in church affairs in particular, my condition worsened instead of improving. I worried that overexertion in my duties might one day lead to me collapsing and ending up in a vegetative state, so I was unwilling to do tasks that required effort and attention. I just wanted to conserve my strength and rest more. I even didn’t want to handle church items, and I was even reluctant to host gatherings for the brothers and sisters for fear of exhausting myself. As a result, I failed to resolve a sister’s state in time, delaying her life entry. In my duty, I was always thinking about my body, and I wanted to exert as little effort as possible to protect my health. I didn’t feel any sense of burden toward my duty. After being chosen as the deacon of general affairs, I was even more concerned that I’d worry myself to the point of fatigue and fall ill, causing me to lose my chance for salvation, and I felt resistant. I even engaged in deceit, claiming that I wasn’t qualified for this duty due to my poor caliber. In reality, whether my condition is to worsen or not, and whether I am to live or die, is all in God’s hands. But I’d been living in anxiety and distress, trying to protect my body by relying on my own ways. I wasn’t trusting in God’s sovereignty, and I was acting just like a disbeliever. Realizing this, I became willing to entrust my condition into God’s hands and seek the truth to resolve my issues.

Afterward, I read a passage of God’s words: “When God arranges for someone to get an illness, whether major or minor, His purpose in doing so is not to make you appreciate the ins and outs of being sick, the harm the illness does to you, the inconveniences and difficulties the illness causes you, and all the myriad feelings the illness causes you to feel—His purpose is not for you to appreciate sickness through being sick. Rather, His purpose is for you to learn the lessons from sickness, to learn how to grasp God’s intentions, to know the corrupt dispositions you reveal and the wrong attitudes you adopt toward God when you’re sick, and to learn how to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements, so that you can achieve true submission to God and be able to stand firm in your testimony—this is absolutely key. God wishes to save you and cleanse you through sickness. What about you does He wish to cleanse? He wishes to cleanse all your extravagant desires and demands toward God, and even cleanse the various plans, judgments, and schemes you make at all costs to survive and live. God does not ask you to make plans, He does not ask you to judge, and He does not allow you to have any extravagant desires toward Him; He requires only that you submit to Him and, in your practice and experience of submitting, to know your own attitude toward sickness, and to know your attitude toward these bodily conditions He gives to you, as well as your own personal wishes. When you come to know these things, you can then appreciate how beneficial it is for you that God has arranged the circumstances of the illness for you or that He has given you these bodily conditions; and you can appreciate just how helpful they are to changing your disposition, to you attaining salvation, and to your life entry. That is why, when illness comes calling, you must not always be wondering how you can escape it or flee from it or reject it” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). God says that sickness doesn’t come upon us to keep us living in anxiety and distress, nor to make us try to avoid it, but rather to allow us to learn lessons from it, to know the corruption and impurities and wrong intentions we reveal when illness strikes, so that we can submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements. Reflecting on myself, I saw that when faced with illness, I constantly worried that doing my duties and overexerting myself would leave me paralyzed and bedridden, and then I wouldn’t even be able to do simple duties and thus lose my chance at salvation. Afterward, when doing my duties, I always tried to exert the least amount of effort possible, and even when I was selected as the deacon of general affairs, I tried to be deceitful and avoid it. I was always concerned about my health, worrying about my future prospects and paths, without a single thought for the work of the church. I was so selfish and despicable! If not for this illness, my inner rebelliousness and corruption wouldn’t have been revealed, much less cleansed and transformed. I had to submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements and seek the truth to learn a lesson.

Later, I read this passage of God’s words: “What is the value of a person’s life? Is it merely for the sake of indulging in fleshly pleasures such as eating, drinking, and being entertained? (No, it is not.) Then what is it? Please share your thoughts. (To fulfill the duty of a created being, this at least is what a person should achieve in their life.) That is correct. Tell Me, if a person’s daily actions and thoughts throughout their entire life are solely focused on avoiding illness and death, on keeping their body healthy and free from diseases, and striving for longevity, is this the value a person’s life should have? (No, it is not.) That is not the value a person’s life should have. … When a person comes into this world, it isn’t just for the enjoyment of the flesh, nor is it solely for eating, drinking, and having fun. One shouldn’t live just for those things; that is not the value of human life, nor is it the right path. The value of human life and the right path to follow involve accomplishing something valuable and completing one or multiple jobs of value. This is not called a career; it is called the right path, it is also called the proper task. Tell Me, is it worth it for a person to pay the price in order to complete some work of value, live a meaningful and valuable life, and pursue and attain the truth? If you truly desire to pursue and understand the truth, to embark on the right path in life, to fulfill your duty well, and to live a valuable and meaningful life, then you should not hesitate to give all of your energy, pay the price, and give all of your time and the extent of your days. If you experience a bit of illness during this period it will not matter, it will not crush you. Isn’t this far superior to a lifetime of ease and idleness, nurturing the physical body to the point that it is well-fed and healthy, and ultimately achieving longevity? (Yes.) Which one of these two options is more conducive to a valuable life? Which one can bring comfort and no regrets to people when they face death at the very end? (Living a meaningful life.) Living a meaningful life means to feel results and comfort in your heart. What about those who are well-fed, and maintain a rosy complexion until death? They don’t pursue a meaningful life, so how do they feel when they die? (Like they lived in vain.) These three words are incisive—living in vain” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (6)). After reading God’s words, I understood that being able to believe in God, follow Him, and do the duty of a created being in this life, doing one’s duty well, and earning the Creator’s approval is meaningful and valuable, even if it involves suffering and exhaustion. If I failed to do my duty diligently and only sought physical comfort, even if I maintained my health and lived to an old age, I would have lived a wasted life without any value or meaning. My being able to do the duty of a deacon of general affairs was God’s exaltation of me. Although it may involve worry and exhaustion at times, if I could do my duty well according to principles, protect the church’s items well and in accordance with principles, and ensure that the offerings and books of God’s word were preserved without loss, then my heart would be at peace and at ease. However, if I only focused on preserving my health, unwilling to do any task that required thoughts and effort, then even if I succeeded in preserving my health, if I failed to do my duty well and harmed the church’s interests, and left behind a wake of transgressions and stains before God, ultimately, I’d only be spurned by God and lose my chance at salvation. Understanding God’s intention, I no longer wanted to live as I had before. I wanted to do my duty properly to satisfy God. Sometimes when tasks accumulated, I still felt afraid of having to worry too much and overworking myself, but I’d pray to God, willing to submit to the circumstances He had orchestrated. I no longer worried about whether my illness would worsen or if I’d collapse from exhaustion, and I’d just focus on how to do my duty well.

During a gathering, I learned that another sister was also ill, so I shared my experience with her. Then we listened to a hymn of God’s words:

Man’s Lifespan Has Been Predetermined by God

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2  When people are suffering from illness, they can come often before God, and make sure to do what they should, with prudence and caution, and treat their duty with greater care and diligence than others. As far as people are concerned, this is a protection, not shackles. It is the negative way of handling things. In addition, everyone’s lifespan has been predetermined by God. An illness may appear to be terminal from a medical standpoint, but from God’s point of view, if your life must still go on and your time has yet to come, then you couldn’t die even if you wanted to.

3  If God has given you a commission, and your mission is not over, then you will not even die from an illness that is supposed to be fatal—God will not take you yet. Even if you do not pray and seek the truth, or do not attend to treating your illness, or even if you put off your treatment, you will not die. This is particularly true for those who have received a commission from God: When their mission has yet to be completed, no matter what illness befalls them, they must not die straight away; they must live until the final moment of the mission’s completion.

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—The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three

From God’s words, I understood that human life spans are in God’s hands, and life and death are predestined by God. Even if an illness is serious, if a person’s lifespan isn’t over, they won’t die, even without care, but if their time is up, even with the best care, they will still pass away. I recalled my older brother’s heart disease triggered by diabetes ten years ago. The hospital issued critical condition notices several times, saying he couldn’t be saved. However, after resting at home for a while, his health recovered gradually, and he lives to this day. But his son, a strong young man in his twenties, came home on leave from the army feeling unwell, and the hospital diagnosed him with acute leukemia. They used the best medicine and equipment, and top specialists were consulted, but within a week, he passed away. These events showed me that human life and death are indeed ordained by God. But I always worried that working hard might worsen my condition, and so I’d pick light and easy tasks when doing my duty, thinking this would keep my illness from worsening. This showed my lack of belief that life and death are truly in God’s hands. In reality, God has already predestined my lifespan, and it’s needless to worry about this, as it only binds and hurts me, and it keeps me from being faithful to my duty and doing well the duty that I’m capable of doing well. Understanding this gave me faith. I then took my medication as usual and exercised when I could, and I was no longer constrained by the fear of death. Although I was still busy with my duties every day, I didn’t feel my condition worsening. In fact, I felt more energetic by the day.

Later, while talking to a sister about my recent state, through her reminders, I came to realize that behind my constant worries and anxiety was my intent to receive blessings. I read these words of God: “So many believe in Me only that I might heal them. So many believe in Me only that I might use My power to drive unclean spirits out from their bodies, and so many believe in Me simply that they might receive peace and joy from Me. So many believe in Me only to demand from Me greater material wealth. So many believe in Me just to spend this life in peace and to be safe and sound in the world to come. So many believe in Me to avoid the suffering of hell and to receive the blessings of heaven. So many believe in Me only for temporary comfort, yet do not seek to gain anything in the world to come. When I grant My fury to people and seize all the joy and peace that they once possessed, they become doubtful. When I grant to people the suffering of hell and reclaim the blessings of heaven, they fly into a rage. When people ask Me to heal them, and I pay them no heed and feel abhorrence toward them, they depart from Me to instead seek the way of evil medicine and sorcery. When I take away all that people have demanded from Me, they all disappear without a trace. Thus, I say that people have faith in Me because My grace is too abundant, and because there are far too many benefits to gain” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. What Do You Know of Faith?). “All corrupt humans live for themselves. Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost—this is the summation of human nature. People believe in God for their own sake; when they forsake things and expend themselves for God, it is in order to be blessed, and when they are loyal to Him, it is still in order to be rewarded. In sum, it is all done for the purpose of being blessed, rewarded, and entering the kingdom of heaven. In society, people work for their own benefit, and in the house of God, they do a duty in order to be blessed. It is for the sake of gaining blessings that people forsake everything and can endure much suffering. There is no better evidence of man’s satanic nature” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). God exposes that we believe in Him with the intent of demanding various benefits from Him. Behind this, there are impurities and motives. Reflecting on God’s words, I saw I was precisely the kind of person God exposes. I believed in God to receive blessings and grace. I was trying to bargain with God. When I first found God, my chronic allergic rhinitis was healed, so I regarded God as an almighty healer, who isn’t just able to heal diseases but also allows us to avoid disaster, be saved, and survive, so I was willing to do my duty diligently. After this brain surgery, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to do my duties and wouldn’t be saved, so I volunteered to take on duties despite my weakness. I thought as long as I could do my duty, there would be hope for salvation. When the deacon of general affairs and my partnered sisters encountered safety concerns and had to go into hiding, I should have prioritized the church’s interests, and shouldered the general affairs duties I was able to manage, but I was afraid that overworking would leave me unable to continue doing my duties, and I’d thereby lose my chance for salvation, so I didn’t want to cooperate. Even when I begrudgingly took over the work of general affairs, it was in the hope that God would protect me and heal me sooner. Later, my illness not only failed to improve but even worsened, so I no longer wanted to pay a price, and became passive in my duty, often urging the leader to find a deacon of general affairs quickly so that I could return to an easy duty. I saw my belief in God was all about seeking His grace and blessings. I always wanted to get more than I gave, and I wasn’t thinking about how to do my duty well and consider God’s intentions. My nature was so selfish and despicable. I was just believing in God to gain blessings and peace. Doing duties is the responsibility of a created being, but I was just believing in God to use my duties to gain salvation and survive. This kind of faith is an attempt to deceive and manipulate God. I didn’t have a God-fearing heart at all. Such behavior is hated and detested by God! God has given me the opportunity to do my duty, so I should consider God’s intentions, and shoulder my responsibilities as best as I can. Regardless of the outcome or destination God has for me or my physical condition, I no longer wish to bargain with God. I only wish to fulfill my duty as a created being.

Through this illness, I’ve seen God’s salvation for me. God used this illness to lead me to seek the truth, enabling me to have some understanding of my corrupt disposition. This was truly a blessing in disguise!