By Doji, Italy

In January 2022, I began training as a gospel deacon in the church. At first, I wasn’t very familiar with the church members, there were many issues I couldn’t see through or resolve, and the results of my duty weren’t very good. Seeing that the church’s gospel efforts weren’t yielding results, I became very anxious. I feared that the leader would think I had poor caliber and had no work capabilities and then reassign me in my duty. So, whenever a problem arose, I always wanted to cover it up to prevent the leader from noticing my issues.

One day, during a gathering to review our work, the leader, Brother Thomas, asked us, “Why are the results of your work so poor? What is the reason for this?” When it was my turn to answer, I panicked and didn’t know how to respond. I hadn’t even managed to review the deviations in my work, so I wondered, “If I speak honestly, will the leader think I have poor caliber and can’t do actual work?” At that moment, I remembered that three gospel workers had been reassigned in their duties a few days earlier, so I quickly said, “Several gospel workers were reassigned, so the results declined.” But in my heart, I clearly knew that those workers hadn’t been effective in their duties, and that their reassignment wouldn’t affect the overall results of the work. Then the leader asked me, “Why are there so few newcomers attending gatherings?” I knew that some brothers and sisters hadn’t fellowshipped the truth about testifying to God’s work clearly, and that this had led to the newcomers’ issues not being resolved promptly, and over time, to them no longer attending gatherings. Moreover, I lacked experience in preaching the gospel and had failed to follow up on the details of the work. I hadn’t resolved these real problems or difficulties, and as a result, the results of the work had been really poor. Thinking about these things, I realized that I hadn’t done any actual work. But I worried that if the leader knew about this, he’d think I lacked work capabilities, that I was unfit for this duty, and that he’d then dismiss me. So, I quickly said, “These gospel workers have just started training and are lacking in many areas, and many potential gospel recipients’ notions couldn’t be resolved, so the results haven’t been very good.” After hearing this, the leader didn’t say anything further.

Some time later, the results of the gospel work in our church were still poor. The leader came to review our work again and asked about the deviations in our work. I worried that the leader would say my caliber was too poor and that even after all this time, our work still hadn’t improved, and that I therefore wasn’t a suitable candidate for cultivation, so I gave a long list of objective justifications for these deviations. Upon hearing this, the leader became angry and pruned me sternly, saying, “Every time I come to review your work, you just come up with a pile of specious justifications, and you only ever talk about others’ problems, as if you have none yourself. As a gospel deacon, when the results of the gospel work are poor, you don’t reflect on yourself but instead always shift the blame to others. Aren’t you just trying to cover up your own problems?” Hearing this, I felt so hurt that I broke down in tears, thinking, “You pruned me so harshly in front of several co-workers. How am I supposed to save face when you do that? Will they also think I’m slippery and deceitful?” The more I thought about it, the more hurt I felt. In my pain, I prayed to God, “Oh God, I don’t know how to experience this pruning that the leader has set upon me so suddenly. Please enlighten me to know myself and learn a lesson.”

During my devotionals, I read a passage of God’s words. God says: “Corrupt human beings are good at disguising themselves. No matter what they do or what corruption they reveal, they always have to disguise themselves. If something goes wrong or they do something wrong, they want to put the blame on others. They want credit for good things to go to themselves, and blame for bad things to go to others. Is there not a lot of disguising like this in real life? There is too much. Making mistakes or disguising oneself: which of these relates to disposition? Disguising is a matter of disposition, it involves an arrogant disposition, wickedness, and deceitfulness; it is especially loathed by God. In fact, when you disguise yourself, everyone understands what is happening, but you think others do not see it, and you try your best to argue and justify yourself in an effort to save face and make everyone think you did nothing wrong. Is this not stupid? What do others think about this? How do they feel? Sick and loathing. If, having made a mistake, you can treat it correctly, and can allow everyone else to talk about it, permitting their commentary and discernment about it, and you can open up about it and dissect it, what will everyone’s opinion of you be? They will say you are an honest person, for your heart is open to God. Through your actions and behavior, they will be able to see your heart. But if you try to disguise yourself and deceive everyone, people will think little of you, and say you are a fool and an unwise person. If you do not try to put on a pretense or justify yourself, if you can admit your mistakes, everyone will say you are honest and wise. And what makes you wise? Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has faults and flaws. And actually, everyone has the same corrupt disposition. Do not think yourself more noble, perfect, and kind than others; that is being utterly unreasonable. Once people’s corrupt dispositions and the essence and true face of their corruption are clear to you, you will not try to cover up your own mistakes, nor will you hold other people’s mistakes against them—you will be able to face both correctly. Only then will you become insightful and not do foolish things, which will make you wise. Those who are not wise are foolish people, and they always dwell on their minor mistakes while sneaking around behind the scenes. It is disgusting to witness. In fact, what you are doing is immediately obvious to other people, yet you are still blatantly putting on a show. To others, it has the appearance of a clownish performance. Is this not foolish? It really is. Foolish people do not have any wisdom. No matter how many sermons they hear, they still do not understand the truth or see anything for what it really is. They never get off their high horse, thinking they are different from everyone else and more respectable; this is arrogance and self-righteousness, this is foolishness. Fools do not have spiritual understanding, do they? The matters in which you are foolish and unwise are the matters in which you have no spiritual understanding, and cannot easily understand the truth. This is the reality of the matter” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). From God’s words, I realized that no one is perfect, that everyone has shortcomings and inadequacies, and makes mistakes in their duties, and that this is a very normal thing. In God’s eyes, it doesn’t matter if people are foolish or make mistakes, but if they don’t admit to their mistakes, always put up a facade and intentionally hide the truth, then within this lies an arrogant, deceitful, and wicked satanic disposition, and this is absolutely disgusting and detestable to God. I thought about myself. When the leader asked us to summarize our work, it exposed many of the problems in my duties, and I was worried about leaving a bad impression on the leader. I was even more afraid of losing my position as a gospel deacon and the opportunity to be cultivated. In order to protect my pride and status, I intentionally avoided facing my problems, and just pulled up some objective justifications to try and bluff my way past the leader, saying things like the gospel workers couldn’t fellowship the truth clearly and couldn’t solve the newcomers’ problems, and that some gospel workers had been reassigned. These became excuses for the decline in results in my duty, excuses that I used to cover up my poor work capabilities and the fact that I’d not done actual work, all in order to preserve the impression the leader had of me. In reality, the leader was looking into the details of our duties because he wanted to help me practically resolve the issues I was having so that I could do this duty better, but I wasn’t willing to accept this positively and I refused to open up about my shortcomings. Instead, I tried to rack my brains to find excuses to deceive people, pretending to be a person of good caliber and work capabilities. I was truly hypocritical and deceitful! God scrutinizes everything, and the leader’s severe pruning of me had awakened me. I had to quickly examine myself.

Later, a sister sent me a passage of God’s words, and I began to see my problems more clearly. Almighty God says: “Satan’s words have a certain characteristic: What Satan says leaves you scratching your head, unable to perceive the source of its words. Sometimes Satan has motives and speaks deliberately, and sometimes governed by its nature, such words emerge spontaneously, and come straight out of Satan’s mouth. Satan does not spend a long time weighing such words; rather, they are expressed without thinking. When God asked where it came from, Satan answered with a few ambiguous words. You feel very puzzled, never knowing exactly where Satan is from. Are there any among you who speak like this? What kind of way is this to speak? (It is ambiguous and does not give a certain answer.) What kind of words should we use to describe this way of speaking? It is diversionary and misguiding. Suppose someone does not want to let others know what they did yesterday. You ask them: ‘I saw you yesterday. Where were you going?’ They do not tell you directly where they went. Rather, they say: ‘What a day it was yesterday. It was so tiring!’ Did they answer your question? They did, but they did not give the answer you wanted. This is the ‘genius’ within the artifice of man’s speech. You can never discover what they mean, nor perceive the source or intention of their words. You do not know what they are trying to avoid because in their heart they have their own story—this is insidious. Are there any among you who also often speak in this way? (Yes.) What then is your purpose? Is it sometimes to protect your own interests, sometimes to maintain your own pride, position, and image, to protect the secrets of your private life? Whatever the purpose, it is inseparable from your interests, linked to your interests. Is this not the nature of man? All who have such a nature are closely related to Satan, if not its family. We can put it like this, can we not? Generally speaking, this manifestation is detestable and abhorrent” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique IV). God exposes that Satan speaks in a really slippery and deceitful way, always talking in circles, leaving people scratching their heads. Its usual tactic is to divert and misguide, misleading people to the point where they are unable to discern the truth of matters. I looked at myself in light of the exposure of God’s words. I recalled that every time the leader asked about the reason for the poor results of our work, I was always unwilling to answer his questions directly. I knew full well that I hadn’t done any actual work, but I was afraid that if I told the truth, it would affect the impression the leader had of me, so for every question, I would keep racking my brain for ways to place the blame on others and use objective justifications to try and deceive the leader. I even distorted the facts and tried to shift the blame onto the gospel workers in order to divert the leader’s attention. Time and again, I used deceit to try and mislead him, and lies came easily to my lips. My nature was just like Satan’s—truly wicked! I also thought about how, when I’d gained good results in my duties in the past, I would actively share my successful experiences, wanting to show everyone that I had work capabilities and a path in my work. However, when poor results exposed my problems, I would remain silent out of fear that people would see my problems and deviations. Looking back on these moments, I felt utterly disgusted with myself. In my duties, I’d thought only of my own fame, gain, and status, and whenever I could make myself look good, I’d constantly show off. But now, because I hadn’t done my duty well and had harmed the work, I became like a turtle hiding its head in its shell. Anyone with even a little conscience and reason would feel indebted to God if they hadn’t done their duty well, and they would try to find a way to solve the problems in their duty. But not only did I not do any actual work, I covered up my problems and shirked responsibility to protect my status, leaving the leader unaware of the true situation of the work and unable to resolve issues in good time. Was I not hindering the gospel work? When I thought about this, I felt a little scared, so I prayed to God, willing to repent.

I then read a passage of God’s words: “If you are a leader or worker, are you afraid of the house of God making inquiries about and supervising your work? Are you afraid that the house of God will discover lapses and mistakes in your work and prune you? Are you afraid that after the Above gets to know your real caliber and stature, they will see you in a different light and not consider you for promotion? If you have these fears, this proves that your motivations are not for the sake of church work, you are working for the sake of reputation and status, which proves that you have the disposition of an antichrist. If you have the disposition of an antichrist, you are liable to walk the path of antichrists, and commit all the evil wrought by antichrists. If, in your heart, you have no fear of God’s house supervising your work, and you are able to provide real answers to the questions and inquiries of the Above, without hiding anything, and say as much as you know, then regardless of whether what you say is right or wrong, irrespective of the corruption you revealed—even if you revealed the disposition of an antichrist—you will absolutely not be defined as an antichrist. What’s key is whether you are able to know your own disposition of an antichrist, and whether you are able to seek the truth in order to solve this problem. If you are someone who accepts the truth, your antichrist’s disposition can be fixed. If you know full well that you have the disposition of an antichrist and yet do not seek the truth to resolve it, if you even try to conceal or lie about problems that occur and shirk responsibility, and if you do not accept the truth when subjected to pruning, then this is a serious problem, and you are no different from an antichrist. Knowing that you have the disposition of an antichrist, why do you not dare face it? Why can you not approach it frankly and say, ‘If the Above inquires about my work, I’ll say all I know, and even if the bad things I’ve done come to light, and the Above no longer makes use of me once they know, and I lose my status, I’ll still say clearly what I have to say’? Your fear of supervision of and inquiries after your work by God’s house proves that you treasure your status more than the truth. Is this not the disposition of an antichrist? To cherish status above all is the disposition of an antichrist. Why do you treasure status so much? What benefits can you get from status? If status brought you disaster, difficulties, embarrassment, and pain, would you still treasure it? (No.) There are so many benefits that come from having status, things like envy, respect, esteem, and flattery from other people, as well as their admiration and reverence. There is also the sense of superiority and privilege that your status brings you, which gives you pride and a sense of self-worth. In addition, you can also enjoy things that others do not, such as the benefits of status and special treatment. These are the things you dare not even think of, and are what you have longed for in your dreams. Do you treasure these things? If status is merely hollow, with no real significance, and defending it serves no real purpose, is it not foolish to treasure it? If you can let go of things such as interests and enjoyments of the flesh, then fame, gain, and status will no longer tie you down. So, what has to be resolved first in order to resolve issues related to treasuring and pursuing status? First, see through to the nature of the problem of doing evil and engaging in trickery, concealment, and covering up, as well as declining the supervision, inquiries, and investigation of God’s house, in order to enjoy the benefits of status. Isn’t this blatant resistance and opposition against God? If you can see through to the nature and consequences of coveting the benefits of status, the problem of pursuing status will be resolved. If you can’t see through to the essence of coveting the benefits of status, this problem will never be resolved” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Eight: They Would Have Others Submit Only to Them, Not the Truth or God (Part Two)). God exposed my state exactly. I was afraid that the leader, in checking the work, would find my deficiencies and shortcomings in my duties, and I was even more afraid that he would see my poor caliber and lack of work capabilities and dismiss me. To maintain my status, I went to great lengths to conceal and disguise myself, acting fraudulently, distorting the facts, and racking my brain to find ways to shirk responsibility. Though my tricks and deceit preserved my status for a while, they harmed the church’s work. I was walking the path of an antichrist! I thought about the many antichrists and evil people around me who had been eliminated. They’d once held positions and had been admired by others, but in their nature, they didn’t love the truth. They occupied positions but did no actual work, and they even disrupted and disturbed the church’s work to preserve their status, and ultimately, they were expelled for the many evils that they did. These examples from the past served as warnings and reminders for me, and if I didn’t repent, I’d be eliminated by God just like them. I also came to understand that the leaders and workers inquire about and inspect the work to uncover and resolve issues, and to improve the progress and results of the work. But I was truly deceitful and was constantly suspicious of the leaders and workers. I thought that when they supervised and inspected the work, if they found even a small issue or deviation, they would dismiss people. This perspective of mine was utterly absurd!

Later, I read another passage of God’s words that made the path of practice clearer to me. Almighty God says: “If, when it comes to the truth, you wish to make quick progress, then you must learn how to work in harmony with others, and to ask more questions and seek more. Only then will your life grow quickly, and will you be able to solve problems promptly, without any delay in either. Because you have only just been promoted and are still on probation, and do not truly understand the truth or possess the truth reality—because you still lack this stature—do not think that your promotion means you possess the truth reality; this is not the case. It is merely because you have a sense of burden toward the work and possess the caliber of a leader that you are selected for promotion and cultivation. You should have this reason. If, after being promoted and becoming a leader or worker, you start to assert your status, and believe that you are someone who pursues the truth and that you possess the truth reality—and if, regardless of what problems the brothers and sisters have, you pretend that you understand, and that you are spiritual—then this is a foolish way to be, and it is the same way as the hypocritical Pharisees. You must speak and act truthfully. When you don’t understand, you can ask others or seek fellowship from the Above—there is nothing shameful about any of this. Even if you don’t ask, the Above will still know your true stature, and will know that the truth reality is absent in you. Seeking and fellowshipping are what you ought to be doing; this is the reason that should be found in normal humanity, and the principle that should be adhered to by leaders and workers. It is not something to be embarrassed about. If you think that once you are a leader it is embarrassing to not understand the principles, or to constantly be asking other people or the Above questions, and you’re afraid that others will look down on you, and then you put on an act as a result, pretending that you understand everything, that you know everything, that you have work capability, that you can do any church work, and do not need anyone to remind you or fellowship with you, or anyone to provide for you or support you, then this is dangerous, and you are too arrogant and self-righteous, too lacking in reason” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (5)). From God’s words, I understood that people are promoted and cultivated not because they can do every task well or have excellent work capabilities, but rather that they are given an opportunity to train based on their strengths. In fact, when someone begins to train in a duty, it’s normal for them to have many deficiencies and shortcomings. People that truly have humanity and reason will learn from others and seek guidance with an honest and humble heart, and they’ll open up about difficulties or deviations in their work so that they can receive guidance and help from others, understand principles and resolve the problems that arise in their duties as quickly as possible. In contrast, people with an arrogant disposition try to conceal and disguise themselves when they encounter things they don’t understand, and they refuse to let others see their problems and deficiencies. This not only prevents them from receiving practical training and making progress in any area, but more seriously, it delays the church’s work. At this moment, I felt that I’d been truly foolish. By always covering up my problems, I not only lived in pain but also harmed the church’s work. Realizing this, I prayed silently to God in repentance, resolving to practice the truth, to pursue being an honest person, to accept the leaders’ and workers’ supervision, inspections, fellowship, and guidance, and to do my duties well.

Later, when the leader followed up on our work again, I practiced being an honest person, and when problems arose in my duties, I openly shared them with the leader. One time, Thomas asked why the gospel work hadn’t shown significant progress recently. Upon hearing this, I got nervous again, thinking, “It’s been so long and I still haven’t made any real progress. Will everyone think I’m not suited for this duty because I’ve got poor caliber?” At that moment, I recalled a passage of God’s words I’d read. Almighty God says: “You must seek the truth to resolve any problem that arises, no matter what it is, and by no means disguise yourself or put on a false face for others. Your shortcomings, your deficiencies, your faults, your corrupt dispositions—be completely open about them all, and fellowship about them all. Do not keep them inside. Learning how to open yourself up is the first step toward life entry, and it is the first hurdle, which is the most difficult to overcome. Once you have overcome it, entering the truth is easy. What does taking this step signify? It means that you are opening your heart and showing everything you have, good or bad, positive or negative; baring yourself for others and for God to see; hiding nothing from God, concealing nothing, disguising nothing, free of deceit and trickery, and being likewise open and honest with other people. In this way, you live in the light, and not only will God scrutinize you, but other people will also be able to see that you act with principle and a degree of transparency. You do not need to use any methods to protect your reputation, image, and status, nor do you need to cover up or disguise your mistakes. You do not need to engage in these useless efforts. If you can let these things go, you will be very relaxed, you will live without constraints or pain, and you will live entirely in the light” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). God’s words gave me the motivation to practice the truth. God loves honest people and those who do their duties pragmatically. Such people do not conceal themselves or put up a facade; no matter what corruption or deficiencies they have, they are able to fellowship with everyone in a simple and open way, and seek the truth to resolve these issues. This is the right path, and only in this way can a person live freely and feel liberated. I couldn’t disguise myself anymore. I had to be an honest person. I had to reveal my true self to everyone, regardless of how others came to see me. I had to prioritize the church’s work and practice according to God’s words. With this in mind, I opened up about my real difficulties. Everyone provided some suggestions for follow-up work based on my issues, and the leader also fellowshipped with me about how to improve work efficiency and about the principles for supervising gospel work. Later on, I practiced according to the path suggested by everyone for a while, and the results of the gospel work gradually improved, and the brothers and sisters became more motivated in their duties. I felt truly grateful to God! But at the same time, I felt ashamed and regretful, because I’d relied on my corrupt disposition in my duties and had constantly tried to protect my pride and status, delaying the church’s work. Now, I no longer rack my brains to find excuses and disguise myself, and I feel much more relaxed and at ease. I know I’m still far from being a truly honest person, but I’m willing to entrust my heart to God in my duties moving forward, and to pursue being an honest person who accepts the scrutiny of God and the supervision of others.