By Yao Yuxuan, China

In September 1999, I accepted God’s work of the last days. I understood that this stage of God’s work is done to cleanse and perfect people, and to ultimately bring people into God’s kingdom. I was very happy. I thought, “I must pursue diligently, preach the gospel, and prepare more good deeds so that I can be saved.” Later, I left home to do my duty. Come rain or shine or even while being pursued and persecuted by the great red dragon, I never stopped doing my duty. One day, I went for a medical check-up and found out I was a hepatitis B carrier. The doctor said the hepatitis B virus is lifelong and cannot be cured. At that time, I didn’t feel afraid and continued to busy myself with my duty every day. Unexpectedly, six months later, during another check-up, the virus was no longer detectable in my body, and my liver function was also normal. Seeing my illness miraculously healed, I felt very grateful to God, and I became even more enthusiastic in my duty.

In 2019, twenty years later, I began to feel weak, dizzy, and pain in my lower back, so I went to the hospital for a check-up. The doctor said in a serious tone, “Your blood pressure is too high. The systolic pressure is over 190 mmHg and the diastolic is 110 mmHg. This is very dangerous, and it could mean sudden death. Even if it doesn’t, it could lead to a stroke and paralysis.” This really scared me. But then I thought, “I can’t fully trust what doctors say. After all, I’ve been giving up my family and my career, preaching the gospel and doing my duty in my faith for many years, and I believe God will watch over and protect me. As long as I keep doing my duty, maybe one day my illness will be healed.” At that time, I was living in my notions and imaginings. I didn’t take blood pressure medication nor seek how to practice and approach my illness. Instead, I just continued throwing myself into my duties. Back then, I was doing text-based duties. During the day, I’d fellowship with brothers and sisters to resolve issues in their duties, and in the evenings, I’d sort through sermons and respond to letters. After some time, the work showed some progress. However, my high blood pressure didn’t go down, and every day I felt dizzy and heavy, as if I were wearing a steel helmet.

One day, I heard Sister Wang Lan say that her mother had died from high blood pressure. Her mother had been just fine when visiting a neighbor, but after returning home, she suddenly felt dizzy and was rushed to the hospital. The doctor said it was caused by high blood pressure leading to a brain hemorrhage, and she died despite efforts to save her. Then I heard the host sister say her neighbor had also had a brain hemorrhage from high blood pressure, fallen over, become paralyzed, and died in the space of just over two weeks. During those days, I was very anxious, and all my worries, concerns, and anxieties came to the surface. I thought, “My blood pressure is still so high and won’t go down. Will my brain blood vessels burst one day, and I’ll die suddenly too? Will I become paralyzed? If I become bedridden, how will I do my duties? Can I still be saved if I don’t do my duties?” I thought about what the doctor said, that people with high blood pressure shouldn’t stay up late or be under too much stress, so I felt that I shouldn’t overwork myself in my duty, and that if I got too stressed and my blood pressure spiked, causing a brain hemorrhage, I could die suddenly, and then I wouldn’t have the chance to be saved. I felt I needed to take good care of my health, and that this was the most important thing. After that, whenever I heard about remedies for high blood pressure, I would immediately try them. I no longer felt a sense of burden for my duty, and even though some sermons were waiting for review, I wouldn’t hurry myself. I didn’t even inquire about the difficulties my brothers and sisters were facing in writing sermons, and even if I didn’t feel tired in the evening, I’d go to bed early. I tried my best to relax and not stress myself, and I became passive in my duty. As a result, the work wasn’t yielding any results. Later, through medication, my blood pressure returned to normal.

Then, one day in 2021, the leader asked to meet with me. She said the brothers and sisters had nominated me to be the church leader. I thought, “I’m getting older and have high blood pressure. My brain doesn’t have good blood flow, so I need more rest. Doing the duty of a leader means handling many tasks every day, along with a heavy workload and many worries. What if I get sick from exhaustion? If my blood pressure rises again and I have a brain hemorrhage, I could die suddenly and miss out on salvation.” So I told the leader that I had high blood pressure and wasn’t fit to be a leader. The leader asked me to get a check-up at the hospital. The test results showed my blood pressure was slightly elevated but not by much. I thought, “My blood pressure is okay right now, but being a leader involves a lot of work and stress. What if I get sick? But I’d better accept it, seeing as I’ve believed in God for many years, and the church really needs people to cooperate with the work now. I’d feel guilty refusing my duty.” So I accepted the duty.

At one gathering, I was sitting in front of a window. It was a hot day, so I opened the window a little and sat in the breeze. The leader asked about my state, but as I was talking, my mouth started to feel unresponsive. I was very worried, thinking, “Didn’t the doctor say high blood pressure can lead to paralysis? Is this a sign of that? Am I really going to become paralyzed? I’ve always done my duties, so why hasn’t God watched over and protected me? God’s work is almost over, and if I become paralyzed now and unable to do any duties, how will I be saved and enter the kingdom then?” At that moment, I realized my thinking was wrong and said a quick silent prayer, “God, I feel my mouth is unresponsive, which might be a sign of paralysis. God, please protect my heart. Even if I become paralyzed, I won’t complain. I’m willing to submit to Your sovereignty and arrangements.” After the prayer, I closed the window, and after a while, I felt a bit better.

Later, I read a passage of God’s words: “Then there are those who are in poor health, who have a weak constitution and lack energy, who are often sick with major or minor illnesses, who cannot even do the basic things necessary in daily life, who cannot live or get about like normal people. Such people often feel uncomfortable and unwell while performing their duties; some are physically weak, some have real illnesses, and of course there are some who have known and potential diseases of some kind or other. Because they have such practical physical difficulties, such people often sink into negative emotions and feel distress, anxiety, and worry. What are they feeling distressed, anxious, and worried about? They worry that if they keep performing their duty like this, expending themselves and running around for God like this, and always feeling this tired, then will their health deteriorate more and more? When they reach 40 or 50, will they be confined to their beds? Do these worries hold up? Will anyone provide a concrete way of dealing with this? Who will take responsibility for this? Who will be answerable? People with poor health and who are physically unfit feel distressed, anxious, and worried about such things. People with an illness will often think, ‘Oh, I’m determined to perform my duty well, but I’ve got this illness. I ask God to keep me from harm, and with God’s protection I need not be afraid. But if I get exhausted when performing my duties, will my condition flare up? What will I do if my condition really flares up? If I need to be admitted to hospital to undergo an operation, I have no money to pay for it, so if I don’t borrow the money to pay for my treatment, will my condition get even worse? And if it gets really bad, will I die? Could such a death be considered a normal death? If I really do die, will God remember the duties I’ve performed? Will I be considered to have done good deeds? Will I attain salvation?’ There are also some who know they are sick, that is, they know they have some real illness or other, for example stomach diseases, lower back and leg pain, arthritis, rheumatism, as well as skin diseases, gynecological diseases, liver disease, hypertension, heart disease, and so on. They think, ‘If I keep performing my duty, will God’s house pay for treatment for my illness? If my illness gets worse and it affects the performance of my duty, will God heal me? Other people have been cured after believing in God, so will I be cured too? Will God cure me, just as He shows kindness to others? If I loyally perform my duty, God should heal me, but if only I wish God to heal me and He doesn’t, then what am I going to do?’ Whenever they think of these things, they get a profound feeling of anxiety rising up in their hearts. Even though they never stop performing their duty and they always do what they’re supposed to, they think constantly about their illness, their health, their future, and about their life and death. Finally, they reach the conclusion of wishfully thinking, ‘God will heal me, God will keep me safe. God won’t abandon me, and God won’t stand by and do nothing if He sees me getting sick.’ There is no basis at all for such thoughts, and they can even be said to be a kind of notion. People will never be able to resolve their practical difficulties with such notions and imaginings as these, and in their innermost hearts, they feel vaguely distressed, anxious, and worried about their health and their illnesses; they have no idea who will take responsibility for these things, or whether anyone will take responsibility for them at all” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). God precisely exposed my state. When I first found God, I was diagnosed as a hepatitis B carrier. The doctor said it was incurable, but to my surprise, my illness healed without any treatment after six months, so my enthusiasm for my duty grew stronger. Later, I was diagnosed with severe high blood pressure, and I thought, “As long as I persist in my duties, endure more hardships, and pay a higher price, God will protect and heal me.” So, come rain or shine, wind or snow, I never stopped doing my duties. When I saw that my blood pressure remained high, I began to worry that overworking myself in my duties might worsen my condition and bring about sudden death, so I started to heed my flesh, and whenever I heard about a remedy for high blood pressure, I would find a way to try it. My heart became consumed by my illness. Although I continued doing my duties, I wasn’t as proactive as before. I had no sense of urgency to organize the backlog of sermons and I didn’t promptly address the issues in the work. I became lukewarm toward my duty, dragging things out whenever I could, and as a result, the work yielded no results. When confronted by this illness, I didn’t seek God’s intention or accept it from Him, and I didn’t truly believe that human fate is in God’s hands. I was always thinking about my future and destiny, living in distress and anxiety, unable to feel liberated.

Then I read a passage of God’s words: “When God arranges for someone to get an illness, whether major or minor, His purpose in doing so is not to make you appreciate the ins and outs of being sick, the harm the illness does to you, the inconveniences and difficulties the illness causes you, and all the myriad feelings the illness causes you to feel—His purpose is not for you to appreciate sickness through being sick. Rather, His purpose is for you to learn the lessons from sickness, to learn how to grasp God’s intentions, to know the corrupt dispositions you reveal and the wrong attitudes you adopt toward God when you’re sick, and to learn how to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements, so that you can achieve true submission to God and be able to stand firm in your testimony—this is absolutely key. God wishes to save you and cleanse you through sickness. What about you does He wish to cleanse? He wishes to cleanse all your extravagant desires and demands toward God, and even cleanse the various plans, judgments, and schemes you make at all costs to survive and live. God does not ask you to make plans, He does not ask you to judge, and He does not allow you to have any extravagant desires toward Him; He requires only that you submit to Him and, in your practice and experience of submitting, to know your own attitude toward sickness, and to know your attitude toward these bodily conditions He gives to you, as well as your own personal wishes. When you come to know these things, you can then appreciate how beneficial it is for you that God has arranged the circumstances of the illness for you or that He has given you these bodily conditions; and you can appreciate just how helpful they are to changing your disposition, to you attaining salvation, and to your life entry. That is why, when illness comes calling, you must not always be wondering how you can escape it or flee from it or reject it” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). From God’s words, I came to understand that when illness comes upon us, God’s intention isn’t for us to wallow in our worries, sorrow, or anxiety over this illness. Rather, His intention is for us to submit to His sovereignty, learn lessons through illness, reflect on and know the corrupt dispositions we reveal, pursue the truth, and cast off our corruptions. I realized that when I faced illness, I didn’t understand God’s intention, and I only thought about how to get rid of this illness. When I heard that some people had died from high blood pressure, I began planning and worrying about myself. When doing my duty, I didn’t want to exhaust myself physically, and I had no sense of urgency to address the backlog of sermons. I was constantly thinking and planning for my flesh. I even misunderstood and complained against God. How could I claim to be someone who truly believed in and submitted to God? God used this illness to reveal my adulterated intentions for blessings. This was all to help me reflect and repent in good time, and ultimately submit to Him. Now I realized that this illness was God’s love and salvation!

Later, I read more of God’s words: “Before deciding to do their duty, deep in their hearts, antichrists are brimming with expectations toward their prospects, gaining blessings, a good destination, and even a crown, and they have the utmost confidence in attaining these things. They come to the house of God to do their duty with such intentions and aspirations. So, does their performance of duty contain the sincerity, genuine faith and loyalty that God requires? At this point, one cannot yet see their genuine loyalty, faith, or sincerity, because everyone harbors an entirely transactional mindset before they do their duty; everyone makes the decision to do their duty driven by interests, and also based on the precondition of their overflowing ambitions and desires. What is the antichrists’ intention in doing their duty? It’s to make a deal, to make an exchange. It could be said that these are the conditions they set for doing duty: ‘If I do my duty, then I must obtain blessings and have a good destination. I must obtain all the blessings and benefits that god has said are prepared for humankind. If I can’t obtain them, then I won’t do this duty.’ They come to the house of God to do their duty with such intentions, ambitions, and desires. It seems like they do have some sincerity, and of course for those who are new believers and are just starting to do their duty, it can also be called enthusiasm. But there is no genuine faith or loyalty in this; there’s only that degree of enthusiasm. It can’t be called sincerity. Judging from this attitude antichrists have toward doing their duty, it is wholly transactional and filled with their desires for benefits like gaining blessings, entering the kingdom of heaven, obtaining a crown, and receiving rewards. So, it appears from the outside that many antichrists, before being expelled, are doing their duty and have even forsaken more and suffered more than the average person. What they expend and the price they pay are on par with Paul, and they do no less running about than Paul either. This is something everyone can see. In terms of their behavior and their will to suffer and pay the price, they ought not to receive nothing. However, God does not regard a person based on their outward behavior, but based on their essence, their disposition, what they reveal, and the nature and essence of every single thing that they do. When people judge and treat others, they determine who they are based solely on their external behavior, how much they suffer, and what price they pay, and this is a grave mistake” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Seven)). From God’s words, I saw that antichrists often sacrifice and expend themselves in their duties as a means of trying to bargain with God, seeking blessings in return. My views on what to pursue were the same as those antichrists’. I was doing my duty to try and bargain with God. Looking back, when I first found God, I did my duty to ensure my physical safety and to avoid illness and disaster, and to be saved and enter the kingdom in the end. When I was diagnosed as a carrier of the hepatitis B virus, and my condition improved without treatment, my enthusiasm for my duties increased, and I didn’t feel tired from toiling every day. Later, when I was diagnosed with high blood pressure, I worried that my condition would worsen and lead to paralysis, so my enthusiasm for my duties diminished. When my blood pressure didn’t drop, I began to misunderstand and complain against God. I thought that after believing in God for so many years and forsaking my family and career for my duties, God should keep me safe and free from illness and disaster. Yet, unexpectedly, I got sick, and I started to reason with and resist God, and I even lost the desire to do my duty as a leader. I recalled some of God’s words: “I have held man to a strict standard throughout. If your loyalty comes with intentions and conditions, then I would rather be without your so-called loyalty” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Are You a True Believer in God?). God’s disposition is righteous and holy, and He hates people who do their duty with ulterior motives. But I had always done my duty with ulterior motives to bargain with God. I only considered my own flesh, fearing that if I exhausted myself, my condition would worsen, and then I’d die and lose my chance at blessings. I was truly selfish! I thought of Paul, who worked and expended himself and suffered for the Lord. He used this as capital to demand rewards and a crown of righteousness from God. He even shamelessly declared: “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: From now on there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness” (2 Timothy 4:7–8). Paul believed in and worked for God primarily to receive blessings, walking a path that opposed God, and ultimately, he was punished by God. After all these years of believing in God, I still had so little understanding of Him. My expenditure and sacrifices for God were also for the purpose of demanding grace and blessings from Him. Wasn’t I following the same path as Paul? If I didn’t change, God would end up detesting and hating me.

I began to reflect, “I’ve always believed that since I’ve sacrificed my family and career to expend myself for God, God should bless me. Am I right to see things this way?” I then read more of God’s words: “There is no correlation between the duty of man and whether he receives blessings or suffers misfortune. Duty is what man ought to fulfill; it is his heaven-sent vocation, and should not depend on recompense, conditions, or reasons. Only then is he doing his duty. Receiving blessings refers to when someone is made perfect and enjoys God’s blessings after experiencing judgment. Suffering misfortune refers to when someone’s disposition does not change after they have experienced chastisement and judgment; they do not experience being made perfect but are punished. But regardless of whether they receive blessings or suffer misfortune, created beings should fulfill their duty, doing what they ought to do, and doing what they are able to do; this is the least that a person, a person who pursues God, should do. You should not do your duty only to receive blessings, and you should not refuse to act for fear of suffering misfortune. Let Me tell you this one thing: Man’s performance of his duty is what he ought to do, and if he is incapable of performing his duty, then this is his rebelliousness” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Difference Between the Ministry of God Incarnate and the Duty of Man). From God’s words, I saw that doing one’s duty has no relation to receiving blessings or suffering misfortune. As a created being, doing one’s duty is perfectly natural and justified, and it is the obligation of all humans. One shouldn’t use their duty to try and haggle or bargain with God. Just like when children are filial to their parents, if they are doing this just because they want to receive inheritance from their parents, then they are being unfilial. Being filial to one’s parents is a child’s responsibility and obligation, and children shouldn’t bargain with their parents in this. I thought that because I’d put so much effort into my duty, God should protect me, and that if I got sick, He should heal me. By believing in God and doing my duty this way, I was trying to bargain with God and manipulate Him to achieve my own goals, and I was trying to deceive God. How could a selfish and despicable person like me expect to be blessed by God and enter His kingdom? Was I not just dreaming? I am a created being, and no matter whether my outcome involves blessings or disaster, I should submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements. That is the behavior of a reasonable person. After realizing these things, I prayed to God, “God, thank You for orchestrating such circumstances for me and guiding me through Your words to understand the adulterated intentions in my faith. I am now willing to let go of my intentions for blessings, and no matter how my illness progresses, as long as I have a single breath, I will stick to my duty and submit to Your sovereignty and arrangements.”

One day, I read more of God’s words: “Whether you encounter a major illness or a minor one, the moment your illness gets serious or you’re facing death, just remember one thing: Do not fear death. Even if you’re in the final stages of cancer, even if the death rate for your particular illness is very high, do not fear death. Regardless of how great your suffering is, if you fear death then you will not submit. … If your illness gets so serious that you may die, and the death rate for it is high regardless of how old the person is who contracts the illness, and the time from when people contract the illness to when they die is very short, what should you think in your heart? ‘I must not fear death, everyone dies in the end. Submitting to God, however, is something most people can’t do, and I can use this illness to practice submitting to God. I should have the thinking and the attitude of submitting to God’s orchestrations and arrangements, and I must not fear death.’ Dying is easy, much easier than living. You can be in extreme pain and you won’t be aware of it, and as soon as your eyes close, your breath ceases, your soul leaves the body, and your life ends. This is how death goes; it is this simple. Not fearing death is one attitude to adopt. Besides this, you mustn’t worry about whether your illness will get worse or not, or whether you will die if you cannot be cured, or how long it will be until you die, or what pain you will be in when it comes time to die. You mustn’t worry about these things; these are not things you should be worrying about. This is because the day must come, and it must come in some year, some month, and on some particular day. You cannot hide from it and you cannot escape it—it is your fate. Your so-called fate has been predestined by God and already arranged by Him. The span of your years and the age and time at which you die are already set by God, so what are you worried about? You can worry about it but that won’t change anything; you can worry about it, but you cannot prevent it from happening; you can worry about it, but you cannot stop that day from arriving. Therefore, your worry is superfluous, and all it does is make the burden of your illness even heavier” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). From God’s words, I understood that people shouldn’t worry or be distressed about their illnesses. Whether a sickness worsens or leads to death isn’t up to the individual, nor can it be solved by human concern. The life and death of a person are in God’s hands. God has determined when and at what age a person will die. When the time comes, a person must die regardless of their fear. But if the time hasn’t yet come, they can’t die even if they wish to. I thought of a girl in my neighbor’s family who had been only eighteen or nineteen. She just had a fever, went to the hospital for a shot, and less than a day after returning home, she died. I also knew of an elderly lady in her eighties, who once fell seriously ill. Her coffin was already prepared for her, and she was even dressed in her burial clothes, yet she didn’t die. From these facts, I saw that the life and death of an individual are determined by God, and have no relation to an illness or its severity. Whether my illness would improve or whether I would die wasn’t something I could control. When it’s my time to die, even if I’m not suffering or exhausting myself, I must still die, and if the time hasn’t come, I won’t die, no matter how hard I’m toiling. I had to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements and do my duty well.

At the end of 2023, the leaders arranged for me to take on more responsibility at another church. At that time, my blood pressure was pretty much normal, but it would rise a bit if I stayed up late, and I’d be fine again after resting for a bit. Upon arriving at this church, I was anxious to see that none of the work was getting any results, and if I worked late into the night, I’d feel dizzy and my blood pressure would rise. My right leg would ache severely, and sometimes at night, the pain would keep me from sleeping. I remembered the doctor saying that uncontrolled high blood pressure could lead to a stroke, and cause numbness, pain, and even paralysis. I couldn’t help but worry, thinking, “Could this pain in my leg be a sign of impending paralysis? If I do become paralyzed, I won’t be able to do my duties at all, and then what use will I be?” I realized I was worrying about my future again, so I silently prayed to God, asking Him to keep me from complaining. I then read these words of God: “If, in your faith in God and pursuit of the truth, you are able to say, ‘Whatever sickness or disagreeable event God allows to befall me—no matter what God does—I must submit, and stay in my place as a created being. Before all else, I must put this aspect of the truth—submission—into practice, I must implement it, and live out the reality of submission to God. Moreover, I must not cast aside what God has commissioned to me and the duty I should perform. Even on my last breath, I must hold fast to my duty,’ is this not bearing testimony? When you have this kind of resolve and this kind of state, are you still able to complain about God? No, you are not. At such a time, you will think to yourself, ‘God gives me this breath, He has provided for and protected me all these years, He has taken much pain from me, given me much grace, and many truths. I have understood truths and mysteries that people have not understood for generations. I have gained so much from God, so I must repay God! Before, my stature was too small, I understood nothing, and everything I did was hurtful to God. I may not have another chance to repay God in the future. No matter how much time I have left to live, I must offer the little strength I have and do what I can for God, so that God can see that all these years of providing for me have not been in vain, but have borne fruit. Let me bring comfort to God, and no longer hurt or disappoint Him.’ How about thinking this way? Do not think about how to save yourself or escape, thinking, ‘When will this illness be cured? When it is, I shall do my best to perform my duty and be loyal. How can I be loyal when I’m ill? How can I perform the duty of a created being?’ As long as you have a single breath, are you not capable of performing your duty? As long as you have a single breath, are you capable of not bringing shame upon God? As long as you have a single breath, as long as your mind is lucid, are you capable of not complaining about God? (Yes.)” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only in the Frequent Reading of God’s Words and Contemplation of the Truth Is There a Way Ahead). God’s words made me understand that I am a small created being and shouldn’t put conditions before the Creator, and that I should stand in my proper place and do my duties well. This is the reason I should have. God has given me breath and allowed me to live to this day, and He has spoken many words to water and supply me, enabling me to understand some truths. Now, through my illness, God was revealing the corrupt disposition inside me and my motives for seeking blessings, and He was using His words to guide me to know myself, thereby changing and cleansing my corrupt disposition. This was a blessing from God! I could still do my duties now, so I should think about how to do them well, and regardless of how my illness might progress, whether it would worsen, or if I would become paralyzed, I must submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements. I came before God to pray, “God, I give myself to You entirely. As long as I have a single breath and can live another day, I will hold to my duties.” When I stopped worrying and fretting about my illness, I felt much more at ease and liberated. Although my blood pressure still spikes sometimes, I take medication to control it; when my leg aches, I apply some herbal tincture, and I exercise whenever I have time. None of these things affect my ability to do my duties. Thanks be to God!