By Ding Nian, China

In October 2016, I was doing the duty of a preacher. At that time, due to disturbances and sabotage brought about by antichrists, the work of several churches I was responsible for had come to a standstill. My two cooperating sisters and I had just taken up this duty and were unfamiliar with the people in these churches, and with the scope of the work I was responsible for being so large, I felt at a loss and that I couldn’t shoulder all this responsibility, so I wanted to shrink back. But then I thought to myself, “I’ve eaten and drank so much of God’s word, yet when it matters most, I want to desert my post. Is this not a sign of humiliation?” So I adjusted my mindset and my cooperating sisters and I supported and fellowshipped with one another, and asked brothers and sisters who were more familiar with the situation for help. After a period of cooperation, we dealt with the antichrist’s gang, and the work started to show signs of improvement. After going through this experience, I saw that this was truly something I couldn’t have achieved on my own, and that this was all as a result of the Holy Spirit’s work. Shortly after, the church was subjected to the CCP’s frantic arrests and persecution, and the homes where the brothers and sisters doing their duties were staying became unsafe and these people needed to be relocated urgently. When I heard this news, I was devastated, and I felt that it would be impossible to move these people now. So many brothers and sisters who were doing their duties needed to be relocated, but where could I possibly find so many host homes for them all at once? I was in a difficult situation and truly didn’t know what to do, but then I thought to myself, “This is a matter involving the safety of the brothers and sisters and the interests of the church. Not moving them is simply not an option.” Later on, I read God’s words: “You must believe that everything is in God’s hands, and that people are just cooperating. If you are sincere, God will see, and He will open up a way out for you in every situation. No difficulty is insurmountable; you must have this faith” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. In Believing in God, What Is Most Important Is to Practice and Experience His Words). When I read this, I felt like I was seeing a beam of light in the darkness, my heart immediately brightened, and my faith grew stronger. I discussed the matter of looking for host homes with my cooperating sisters. Three days later, a sister from a church wrote to tell me that several host homes had been found, and that brothers and sisters were still actively offering homes. I was so moved that tears started to stream down my face. I hadn’t expected that this church could provide so many host homes all at once, and I truly felt that God was right by our side guiding us, and that so long as we cooperated sincerely, we would be able to see God’s deeds. After this, our faith grew even stronger, and we completed the task of relocation smoothly. When I saw that the work was progressing smoothly despite facing repeated difficulties, I felt very happy. While thanking God, I also began to tally up my own contributions. I believed that although this result was indeed achieved by God’s work, it couldn’t have been done without my efforts and cooperation. Although I hadn’t believed in God for long, the fact that this work had achieved such results proved that I had some truth realities, otherwise, how could such a difficult task have been accomplished so successfully? The more I thought like this, the more I thought my contributions were great, and that I was a rare talent, and especially when the leader had praised us for our work capability, I became even more convinced that I had truth realities, and that no one in the church was as good as me. After that, I walked with my head held high, and whenever there was an opportunity, I would recount my experiences and tell everyone about them in vivid detail, wanting the brothers and sisters to know that I had truth realities and knew how to experience the things I encountered.

Once, I was at a gathering with leaders from several churches, and during the work implementation, a leader said helplessly, “You don’t know what things are like in our church, it’s even hard to choose a deacon. This work is so hard!” I thought to myself, “You call those difficulties? The challenges I went through were much greater than yours. I need to fellowship with you about how I overcame my difficulties, so you can see that I have truth realities and know how to experience the things I encounter.” So I shared how, when I first took on my duty and encountered difficulties, I had looked up to God, relied on God, and how He had guided me, and I explained the whole from beginning to end, fearing that I might miss out on a single detail. When talking about all this, I glossed over my own negativity and weakness during these difficult times, not wanting the brothers and sisters to see that I had shortcomings. After I finished speaking, all the sisters looked at me with admiration, and one sister said enviously, “You really know how to rely on God and experience the things you encounter. I just hate myself for being so stupid—when I’m faced with difficulties, I don’t know how to rely on God or how to experience them.” The other sisters also nodded in agreement. I felt really happy, thinking, “I’m better than all of you. That these difficulties could be overcome was entirely due to my leadership, otherwise how could I be a preacher!” However, I maintained a facade of calmness and fellowshipped with the sister, “God doesn’t favor any person over another, and so long as you seek Him, He will guide you. We can’t just chant slogans without putting them into practice!” Because I was so focused on showing off and I didn’t fellowship God’s intentions or the path of practice regarding the difficulties the brothers and sisters were facing, after the gathering, they still didn’t know how to practice.

During that period, I noticed that the sister hosting us often showed off, and that she occasionally belittled us, saying that we hadn’t believed in God for long and that we lacked experiences. One time, she got really angry at us over a small matter. My cooperating sisters fellowshipped with her, but the more they fellowshipped with her, the angrier she got. She even said, “I can’t do this duty anymore! You’ll have to find someone else!” Later, the host sister came to me to apologize for flying off the handle the other day. I felt her anger wasn’t simply because of this one incident, but I couldn’t quite see through to what was wrong. When I talked to her, I finally found out that all this was because she was dissatisfied that she’d been assigned to hosting duties and not made a group leader. I pointed out how she showed off and the way she belittled and constrained us. After my cooperating sisters came back, I beamed at them and boasted about how I’d discerned the host sister and exposed her. I also reproached my cooperating sisters, saying, “Didn’t you notice she didn’t listen at all when you fellowshipped with her? But you kept fellowshipping with her anyway.” They greatly admired me and said I was really capable of seeing through matters. I felt really pleased and thought that I understood the truth and had discernment. Another time, I attended a gathering with the supervisor of the text-based work. I thought to myself, “I don’t really know this supervisor very well, and she doesn’t know about my work capability. I need to find a topic that will allow me to talk about how I can discern people, making her think highly of me.” Just then, she brought up the topic of the host sister to me, so I used this topic to say, “I’d long seen through the essence of her pursuit of status, but my cooperating sisters just kept fellowshipping with her.” The supervisor nodded in agreement. Later, whenever something came up, the supervisor would discuss with me directly, and even after talking things through with my cooperating sisters, she would still seek my opinion. I naturally took up the leading role, and most of the work came to be arranged by me. One time, a sister said to me, “Why do I feel like when the three of you are cooperating together, you’re the boss?” I was shocked to hear this, “How could she say that? The three of us are supposed to be cooperating, how could she say I’m the boss? Could it be that I’m too arrogant and always showing off? Is God using this sister to remind me?” I felt slightly afraid, but I didn’t reflect on myself, and afterward, I kept behaving the same way, showing off wherever I went.

Living in this state, I felt that God had hidden His face from me. During fellowship at gatherings, my spirit felt dried up, and I couldn’t see through any issues. My work was also full of mistakes. The upper leaders exposed me for consistently exalting myself and showing off, for making my two cooperating sisters into mere figureheads, and for taking all of the work decisions upon myself. They said I was walking the path of an antichrist, and they dismissed me. After losing my duty, I found myself hopeless and in a lot of pain. It felt like in one instant, I had fallen from heaven to the earth, and I just couldn’t accept it. No matter how I thought about it, I couldn’t understand why someone like me, who had a sense of burden and truth realities, would be dismissed. I thought about how I had always been at the forefront of the church’s work, yet this was how it ended. I felt so wronged and resentful that it kept me up at night. In my pain, I continually came before God in prayer, asking God to guide and enlighten me to understand His intentions so that I could learn a lesson.

One day during my devotionals, I read God’s words: “Exalting and testifying about themselves, flaunting themselves, trying to make people think highly of them and worship them—corrupt mankind is capable of these things. This is how people instinctively react when they are governed by their satanic natures, and it is common to all of corrupt mankind. How do people usually exalt and testify about themselves? How do they achieve the aim of making people think highly of them and worship them? They testify to how much work they have done, how much they have suffered, how much they have expended themselves, and what price they have paid. They exalt themselves by talking about their capital, which gives them a higher, firmer, more secure place in people’s minds, so that more people appreciate, think highly of, admire, and even worship, look up to, and follow them. To achieve this aim, people do many things that testify to God on the surface, but essentially exalt and testify about themselves. Is acting that way reasonable? They are beyond the purview of rationality and have no shame, that is, they unabashedly testify to what they have done for God and how much they have suffered for Him. They even flaunt their gifts, talents, experience, special skills, their clever techniques for worldly dealings, the means they use to toy with people, and so on. Their method of exalting and testifying about themselves is to flaunt themselves and belittle others. They also camouflage and package themselves, hiding their weaknesses, shortcomings, and deficiencies from people so that they only ever see their brilliance. They do not even dare to tell other people when they feel negative; they lack the courage to open up and fellowship with them, and when they do something wrong, they do their utmost to conceal it and cover it up. Never do they mention the harm they have caused to the work of the church in the course of doing their duty. When they have made some minor contribution or achieved some small success, however, they are quick to show it off. They cannot wait to let the whole world know how capable they are, how high their caliber is, how exceptional they are, and how much better they are than normal people. Is this not a way of exalting and testifying about themselves? Is exalting and testifying about oneself something someone with conscience and reason does? It is not. So when people do this, what disposition is usually revealed? Arrogance. This is one of the chief dispositions revealed, followed by deceitfulness, which involves doing everything possible to make other people hold them in high esteem. Their words are completely watertight and clearly contain motivations and schemes, they are showing themselves off, yet they want to hide this fact. The outcome of what they say is that people are made to feel that they are better than others, that no one is their equal, that everyone else is inferior to them. And is this outcome not achieved via underhanded means? What disposition is behind such means? And are there any elements of wickedness? (There are.) This is a kind of wicked disposition” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Four: They Exalt and Testify About Themselves). God’s words exposed my exact state. I reflected on how, when attending gatherings with the church leaders, when I saw they had difficulties, I’d take fellowshipping solutions as a chance to exalt myself and show off, and I’d make a point of bringing up the details of how I sought the truth and prayed to God, but I hid the negativity and weakness I felt when I faced difficulties, not mentioning these things at all. To make my cooperating sisters admire me, on the matter of discerning the host sister, I deliberately glossed over my inability to see through the matter, and I only talked about how I’d discerned it. I did this so my cooperating sisters would think I understood the truth, could discern matters, and that I was better than them. When meeting with the supervisor of the text-based work, I was even more calculating, looking for opportunities to show off. In the things I said, I also intentionally belittled my two cooperating sisters, implying they were inferior to me in order to elevate myself. Because I kept showing off in front of my brothers and sisters, they stopped looking to God or seeking the truth principles when they encountered problems, and instead they relied on me for fellowship and solutions. This caused my cooperating sisters to become mere figureheads. To gain others’ admiration, I never missed a chance to show off, and my every action and word were driven by my ulterior intentions. I was truly despicable and wicked! A person’s heart is the temple of God, and people should worship God. But I tried to make others worship me. Was I not acting like a bandit? According to my actions and deeds, I deserved to be cursed and punished! But God didn’t punish me according to my actions. Instead, He gave me the chance to repent. My heart was filled with regret and guilt.

Later on, I read a passage of God’s words: “Regarding work, man believes that work is to run around for God, preach everywhere, and expend for His sake. Though this belief is correct, it is too one-sided; what God asks of man is not solely to run around for Him; beyond just this, this work is concerned with ministry and provision within the spirit. … There are many who only focus on running around for God and preaching everywhere, yet overlook their individual experience and neglect their entry into the spiritual life. This is what has led those who serve God to become those who resist God. These people, who have been serving God and ministering to man all these years, have simply regarded working and preaching as entry, and none have taken their individual spiritual experience as an important entry. Instead, they have taken the enlightenment they derive from the Holy Spirit’s work as capital from which to teach others. When preaching, they are much burdened and receive the work of the Holy Spirit, and by means of this they are releasing the voice of the Holy Spirit. At this time, those who work are filled with complacency, as if the work of the Holy Spirit has become their individual spiritual experience; they feel that all the words they are speaking belong to their individual being, but then again as if their own experience is not as clear as they have described. What is more, prior to speaking they have no inkling what they will say, but when the Holy Spirit works in them, their words come flooding out in an unending stream. After you have preached once in such a way, you feel that your actual stature is not as small as you believed, and as in a situation where the Holy Spirit has worked in you several times, you then determine that you already have stature and mistakenly believe that the work of the Holy Spirit is your own entry and your own being. When you constantly experience in this way, you will become lax about your own entry, slip into laziness without noticing, and cease to place any importance on your individual entry. For this reason, when you are ministering to others you must clearly distinguish between your stature and the work of the Holy Spirit. This can better facilitate your entry and bring more benefit to your experience. When man takes the work of the Holy Spirit to be their individual experience, this becomes a source of depravity. This is why I say, whatever duty you perform, you ought to regard your entry as a vital lesson” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Work and Entry (2)). From God’s words, I understood that even though I was able to work, preach, have some discernment, and solve some problems, these were all the results of the Holy Spirit’s work, and that these didn’t represent my true stature. I thought back to when I first became a preacher. The work of several churches had ground to a halt, and at that time, I had no idea what to do. Through heartfelt prayer and calling on God, God helped us through the brothers and sisters, and with everyone’s cooperation, we successfully cleared out the antichrist’s gang. Later, due to the CCP’s arrests, we had to arrange for brothers and sisters to relocate. We were living in difficulties, and it was the guidance of God’s words that gave us faith, and it was the brothers and sisters who actively provided host homes. This was God safeguarding His own work. I was even more lacking when it came to discernment, and later, it was with God arranging these circumstances, revealing things to me, and guiding me through His words that I was able to discern the host sister. These were all the results of God’s work, but I attributed everything to myself and showed off and flaunted myself wherever I went. I’d truly made God loathe me! Now I’d lost the Holy Spirit’s work, I was in the dark, unable to see anything clearly, and the effectiveness of various items of work had sharply declined. Although I was working harder than before to solve problems, I kept making mistakes, and the work was riddled with flaws. I’d been supervising and training in these churches for a year, yet this was how my work ended up. I saw that I had no truth realities. I had been foolish and blind, and unable to recognize the work of the Holy Spirit. I’d mistakenly taken the results of the Holy Spirit’s work as my true stature, thinking that I had truth realities, and so I used these things as capital to show off in front of others. I truly had no shame! Seeing how much I’d damaged the work, I felt deeply regretful and guilty, and I quickly prayed to God, “God, I have done so much evil without realizing it. If Your chastening and discipline hadn’t come upon me, I wouldn’t have reflected on myself. Being dismissed truly saved me! God, I will reflect on myself deeply and repent to You.”

Later, I read a passage of God’s words: “Since mankind’s corruption by Satan, people’s nature has begun to deteriorate, and they have gradually lost the reason possessed by normal people. They now no longer act as human beings in the position of man, but are filled with wild aspirations; they have surpassed the station of man—yet yearn, still, to go even higher. What does this ‘higher’ refer to? They wish to surpass God, to surpass the heavens, and to surpass all else. What is at the root of why people reveal such dispositions? When all is said and done, man’s nature is overly arrogant. Most people understand the meaning of the word ‘arrogance.’ It is a pejorative term. If someone reveals arrogance, others think they aren’t a good person. Whenever someone is incredibly arrogant, others always assume they are an evil person. No one wants to have this term pinned to them. In fact, however, everyone is arrogant, and all corrupt humans have this essence. Some people say, ‘I’m not the least bit arrogant. I’ve never wanted to be the archangel, nor have I ever wanted to surpass God, or to surpass all else. I’ve always been someone who’s especially well-behaved and dutiful.’ Not necessarily; these words are incorrect. Once people have grown arrogant in nature and essence, they can often rebel against and resist God, not heed His words, generate notions about Him, do things that betray Him, and things that exalt and bear testimony to themselves. You say you are not arrogant, but suppose you were given a church and allowed to lead it; suppose that I did not prune you, and that no one in God’s family criticized or helped you: After leading it a while, you would bring people to your feet and make them obey you, even to the point of admiring and revering you. And why would you do that? This would be determined by your nature; it would be none other than a natural revelation. You do not have any need to learn this from others, nor is there any need for them to teach it to you. You do not need others to instruct you or compel you to do this; this kind of situation comes about naturally. Everything you do is about making people exalt you, praise you, worship you, obey you, and listen to you in all things. Allowing you to be a leader naturally brings about this situation, and it cannot be changed. And how does this situation come about? It is determined by man’s arrogant nature. The manifestation of arrogance is rebellion and resistance against God. When people are arrogant, conceited, and self-righteous, they tend to set up their own independent kingdoms and do things in whatever way they want. They also bring others into their own hands and draw them into their embraces. For people to be capable of doing such arrogant things, it just proves that the essence of their arrogant nature is that of Satan; it is that of the archangel. When their arrogance and conceit reach a certain level, they no longer have a place for God in their hearts, and God is put aside. They then wish to be God, make people obey them, and they become the archangel. If you possess such a satanic arrogant nature, God will have no place in your heart. Even if you believe in God, God will no longer recognize you, will view you as an evil person, and will eliminate you” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. An Arrogant Nature Is at the Root of Man’s Resistance to God). From God’s words, I saw that, after people were corrupted by Satan, they developed a satanic nature, and that arrogance made them lose their reason and unwilling to stand in the position of a created being to worship God. Governed by my arrogant nature, I liked the praise and admiration of others. After I solved some problems in a few churches, I started to believe that I had truth realities and became arrogant. No matter who I was interacting with, I’d always look for opportunities to show off and flaunt myself. This caused my cooperating sisters to admire me, and when any issues arose, they relied on me to find a solution. I knew that this state of theirs was wrong, but I didn’t help them or fellowship with them, on the contrary, I really enjoyed being looked up to. When brothers and sisters encountered problems and difficulties, I didn’t seek the truth or fellowship to resolve them, but instead showed off my gifts and caliber, showing off only my achievements and the good aspects of myself, while not mentioning anything about my negative and weak state. I even elevated myself before the brothers and sisters, belittling my two cooperating sisters so that everyone would think I was better than them and look up to me. When issues arose, they would turn to me for the final decision, and eventually, I ended up making my cooperating sisters into mere figureheads. Even then, I didn’t feel scared. On the contrary, I was enjoying all this, thinking it was right for the brothers and sisters to look up to me, and even when the sister reminded me, I still didn’t reflect on myself. I was just a created being, lowly and insignificant, but I didn’t recognize my identity and status. Instead of standing in the position of a created being to worship God, I tried to bring people before me by showing off. I was so arrogant that I’d lost my reason! Even after committing such great evil, I still admired myself. I was truly shameless, vile, and despicable! I just wanted to find a hole in the ground to hide in. I felt too ashamed to face God, and too ashamed to face my brothers and sisters. At this moment, I finally realized that my being dismissed had protected me. If I hadn’t been dismissed and stopped from continuing in my evil deeds, I would have kept living by my arrogant disposition and continued down the wrong path of pursuing status, and eventually, I would have offended God’s disposition and been cast into hell to be punished. I saw that this dismissal was actually a form of salvation, and in my heart, I was full of gratitude to God.

Later on, I sought how I could exalt God and testify to Him. I read God’s words: “When bearing testimony for God, you should mainly talk about how God judges and chastises people, and what trials He uses to refine people and change their dispositions. You should also talk about how much corruption has been revealed in your experience, how much you have suffered, how many things you did to resist God, and how you were eventually conquered by God. Talk about how much real knowledge of God’s work you have, and how you should bear witness for God and repay Him for His love. You should put substance into this kind of language, while putting it in a simple manner. Do not talk about empty theories. Speak more down-to-earth; speak from the heart. This is how you should experience things. Do not equip yourselves with profound-seeming, empty theories in an effort to show off; doing so makes you appear quite arrogant and senseless. You should speak more about real things from your actual experience, and speak more from the heart; this is most beneficial to others, and most appropriate for them to see” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Pursuing the Truth Can One Achieve a Change in Disposition). God’s words pointed out a path by which I could exalt God and testify to Him, that being talking about the corruption I revealed when faced with issues, how I resisted and rebelled against God, how I sought the truth to understand myself, opening up and exposing my corruption and my nature essence, and testifying how God used His words to purify and change me. Fellowshipping like this would exalt and testify to God. When talking about my experiences, I should speak about the negativity and weakness in my heart, and I should speak about how God enlightened and guided me, and what understanding I gained about myself and what paths of practice I found. This would allow my brothers and sisters to see that without God’s guidance, nothing can be accomplished by man, and that it is God who is sovereign over all, enabling people to come to know God. Only doing this would truly exalt and testify to God. Reflecting on how I talked about my experiences, I realized that my intentions were to make others look up to me, and that I was deliberately glossing over my negative and weak state, and talking at length about how I looked up to and relied on God in times of difficulty, and about how God guided me. As a result, my brothers and sisters saw that I knew how to experience the things I encountered and looked up to me, but they didn’t gain any knowledge of God. I constantly exalted myself and showed off, which made God detest me! I was deeply regretful and prayed to God, “God, it was Your smiting and discipline that awakened my numb heart, and finally made me see that I had been resisting You and rebelling against You all along. If I have another opportunity to do my duties in the future, I will surely change my wrong pursuit, stand in my rightful place, and obediently act as a created being.”

In May 2021, the leaders arranged for me to go to a church to solve a problem. There was an evil person in the church named Ma Li, who had been attacking a newly elected leader, causing that leader to become negative. After I arrived, I learned that Ma Li had been isolated for reflection in 2018 for attacking a leader, but she was still the same. I felt that she was an evil person, but I was afraid of making a mistake, so I reported her consistent behavior to the upper leaders. The leaders replied, fellowshipping that according to the principles: Ma Li was an evil person, and the materials on her should be organized and she should be cleared out. So, I fellowshipped discernment with everyone and cleared out this evil person. After this, the church life of the brothers and sisters returned to normal, and the church work began to function normally. During one gathering, Sister Fang Xin said to me, “You really do have truth realities. You were able to discern that Ma Li was an evil person as soon as you arrived and handled this matter in good time. If you hadn’t come, I really wouldn’t have been able to do this work.” After hearing her say this, I thought to myself, “If I hadn’t come, they really wouldn’t have been able to handle this evil person, and church life wouldn’t have been able to return to normal.” But as soon as I thought this, I immediately realized that it was the Holy Spirit’s work that had brought about this result, but that I was admiring myself and stealing God’s glory. This was how I’d failed before, and I couldn’t allow myself to show off any longer. So I said that initially I couldn’t see through this matter involving Ma Li so I wrote a letter to the upper leaders for guidance, and that only after the leaders fellowshipped based on principles was I able to see clearly that Ma Li was an evil person. After fellowshipping, Fang Xin understood, and she said that she had a tendency to idolize people and that she had to turn this around.

Having gone through this experience, I was filled with gratitude toward God. If it weren’t for this failure and stumble, and the exposure of God’s words, I wouldn’t have been aware of the wrong path I was on, nor would I have gained a true understanding of my arrogant and God-resisting nature. This experience has become a precious treasure in my life entry, marking a turning point in my journey of faith, and correcting my mistaken pursuit. At the same time, this helped me understand a bit more of the truth about exalting and testifying to God, and I have gained a path of practice about this.