By Jiang Lai, China

In 2020, I did my duty while pursuing fame and status, attacking and excluding others, which disrupted and disturbed the church work, and was dismissed. I felt very negative, thinking about how I had done such great evil that I might be expelled, and that I had no hope of being saved. Later, the leaders saw that I had done some reflection and that I understood my behavior and the path I was on and so they arranged for me to do my duties again. I was very surprised. Seeing that the house of God was still giving me the chance to do my duties, tears welled up in my eyes, and my heart was filled with gratitude toward God. In my heart, I resolved, “I must do my duties properly to make up for my previous transgressions, and I can’t pursue fame and status and walk the wrong path like before.”

Later, I was made responsible for the gospel work in two churches. At first, I didn’t grasp the principles of preaching the gospel, and I encountered many problems and difficulties in my work that I didn’t know how to resolve, so I prayed to God in my heart, and whenever I’d have time, I’d exert efforts to think things over and seek the principles. During gatherings, I listened to the brothers and sisters share their experiences and gains in preaching the gospel. I’d feel envious, thinking that while others could receive God’s guidance in doing their duties, I was different, as I was someone who had committed serious transgressions. I felt that since God was still giving me the opportunity to repent, I had to work harder than others, and couldn’t make any more mistakes. I traveled back and forth between the churches every day, and even when my vertigo acted up, I persisted in my duties without resting, thinking, “As long as I put in more effort into my duties and don’t commit evils or cause disruptions, I can make up for my previous transgressions and still have a chance to be saved.” After a while, the gospel work I was responsible for began to show some results, and the newcomers could attend gatherings normally. When I talked about my gains in preaching the gospel during this time, the supervisor agreed with my fellowship, and I felt very happy, thinking, “I’ve worked hard in my duties and gained the recognition of the brothers and sisters, and had enlightenment in fellowship during gatherings, and can also feel the guidance of the Holy Spirit. So long as I maintain my current state, diligently do my duties even better, don’t cause disruptions or disturbances, and prepare more good deeds, eventually, God might not consider my previous transgressions.” Later, the leaders arranged for me to be responsible for the gospel work in more churches, and I learned that some of these churches were very far from my home. I thought about how my health was poor, and about how it would definitely exhaust me to continue like this, so I thought about telling the leaders about my situation. But then I thought, “If I refuse my duties, how will God view me?” So I didn’t say anything. Next, to familiarize myself with the work more quickly, I worked from dawn to dusk, and even when I felt unwell, I forced myself to continue, and sometimes I had the sisters take me on their bikes to get me to gatherings. Because I often stayed up late, my health deteriorated further. I felt weak all over, my arms and legs went limp, and I could only lean against the headboard to force myself to attend gatherings. The truth was, I felt very weak and wanted to go home to recuperate, but seeing how the church work needed people’s cooperation, I felt worried, thinking to myself, “If I go home to recuperate and give up on my duties at this critical moment, how will God view me? Would I still have a good future? Would it still be possible for me to be saved?” So no matter how difficult things got, I continued to do my duties. Later, through treatment, my condition gradually improved.

A few months later, I was selected as the supervisor of the gospel work. When I faced this duty, I worried that my poor health would mean I wouldn’t be up to the task, but then I thought, “If I can do my duties well even while being ill, perhaps God will forgive my previous transgressions, and then I’ll have the chance to be saved.” With this in mind, I was willing to take on this duty. One time, the leaders notified me to attend a gathering, but the afternoon before the gathering, my condition suddenly worsened. I had severe stomach pain, felt weak all over, and had a headache, and I could hardly move at all. The doctor told me I had to get an IV and rest in bed. At the time, my feelings were all over the place, and I wondered, “Why has my illness worsened again? My duties are so busy now. The sisters I work with are busy preaching the gospel every day, but at such a critical time, I’m unable to do my duties. Is God using this environment to reveal and eliminate me? If I really can’t do my duties, what future will I have?” Just thinking about this made me feel very distressed, as if I had been abandoned by God. Because of the IV, I began to feel groggy and then drifted into a deep sleep that night. The next morning, as I turned this matter over in my heart, I suddenly thought of God’s words: “It is during bitter refinement that man can most easily fall under the influence of Satan, so how should you love God during such refinement? You should summon your will, laying your heart before God and devoting the last of your time to Him. No matter how God refines you, you should be able to put the truth into practice to satisfy God’s intentions and you should take it upon yourself to seek God and seek communion. At times like these, the more passive you are, the more negative you will become and the easier it will be for you to regress” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Only by Experiencing Refinement Can Man Possess True Love). From God’s words, I understood that the more one is in the pain of refinements, the more one should seek the truth and God’s intention. I couldn’t consider my future and destination any longer, and had to pray to God more, and regardless of whether there was a good future or destination for me, I was willing to place my heart before God, and no matter how God worked, I was willing to submit. I felt as if God were watching me, waiting for me to stand up and move forward. My heart gradually became calm, and I felt more at ease, willing to seek the truth in such an environment.

One day, I read a passage of God’s words and gained some understanding of my state. Almighty God says: “Paul did not know his own essence or corruption, much less did he know his own rebelliousness. He never mentioned his despicable defiance of Christ, nor was he overly regretful. He only offered a brief explanation and, deep down in his heart, he did not completely yield to God. Though he fell on the road to Damascus, he did not look deep within himself. He was content merely to keep working, and he did not consider knowing himself and changing his old disposition to be the most crucial of issues. He was satisfied with merely speaking the truth, with providing to others as a salve for his own conscience, and with no longer persecuting Jesus’ disciples to console himself and forgive himself for his past sins. The goal that he pursued was nothing more than a future crown and transitory work, the goal he pursued was abundant grace. He did not seek sufficient truth, nor did he seek to progress deeper into the truth which he had previously not understood. His knowledge of himself can therefore be said to be false, and he did not accept chastisement or judgment. That he was able to work does not mean he possessed a knowledge of his own nature or essence; his focus was on outward practices only. What he strived for, moreover, was not change, but knowledge. His work was completely the result of the appearance of Jesus on the road to Damascus. It was not something he had resolved to do originally, nor was it work that occurred after he had accepted the pruning of his old disposition. No matter how he worked, his old disposition did not change, and so his work did not atone for his past sins but merely played a certain role among the churches of the time. For someone such as this, whose old disposition did not change—that is to say, who did not gain salvation, and was even more without the truth—he was absolutely incapable of becoming one of those accepted by the Lord Jesus. … He always believed: ‘I am capable of working, I am better than most people; I am considerate of the Lord’s burden as no one else, and no one repents as deeply as I, for the great light shone upon me, and I have seen the great light, and so my repentance is deeper than any other.’ At the time, this is what he thought within his heart. At the end of his work, Paul said: ‘I have fought the fight, I have finished my course, and there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness.’ His fight, work, and course were entirely for the sake of the crown of righteousness, and he did not actively forge ahead. Though he was not perfunctory in his work, it can be said that his work was done merely in order to make up for his mistakes, to make up for the accusations of his conscience. He only hoped to complete his work, finish his course, and fight his fight as soon as possible, so that he could gain his longed-for crown of righteousness all the sooner. What he longed for was not to meet the Lord Jesus with his experiences and true knowledge, but to finish his work as soon as possible, in order that he would receive the rewards that his work had earned him when he met the Lord Jesus. He used his work to comfort himself, and to make a deal in exchange for a future crown. What he sought was not the truth or God, but only the crown. How can such a pursuit be up to standard? His motivation, his work, the price he paid, and all of his efforts—his wonderful fantasies pervaded them all, and he worked wholly according to his own desires. In the entirety of his work, there was not the slightest willingness in the price he paid; he was merely engaged in making a deal. His efforts were not made willingly in order to perform his duty, but were made willingly in order to achieve the objective of the deal. Is there any worth to such efforts? Who would commend his impure efforts? Who has any interest in such efforts? His work was full of dreams for the future, full of wonderful plans, and contained no path by which to change the human disposition. So much of his benevolence was a pretense; his work did not provide life, but was a sham of civility; it was the making of a deal. How can work such as this lead man to the path of recovering his original duty?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Success or Failure Depends on the Path That Man Walks). God exposed that Paul had no real understanding of his past evil acts of persecuting the Lord Jesus and arresting His disciples, nor did he truly understand the essence of his resistance against God. He was just satisfied to know he was wrong and that he wouldn’t do such things to resist God in the future. Then he tried to atone for his sins through ostensible acts of sacrifice, expenditure, and hard work. In the end, he even claimed there was a crown of righteousness reserved for him. I realized that Paul’s acts of sacrifice and expenditure weren’t the performance of the duty of a created being, nor were they genuine repentance, but rather an attempt to use his work to atone for his sins and make an exchange for a crown of righteousness. This was hypocrisy, and it was an attempt to deceive God and bargain with Him. I reflected on my past duties, when I pursued reputation and status, disrupting and disturbing the church’s work, and transgressed, but I didn’t reflect deeply on or know my transgressions, nor did I often feel indebted to God or my brothers and sisters because of it. I only saw the damage caused to the church’s work, and the impact on my brothers and sisters. I realized I had resisted God and would face His punishment if I carried on like this, and became fearful. So when I took up my duties again, I worked hard and expended myself, accepting and submitting to any duty the church arranged for me. Even when I was so sick that I could hardly stand, I still persisted in doing my duties. All my sacrifices were to atone for my sins, in the vain hopes that one day I could exchange them for God’s forgiveness and rewards. I realized that my sacrifices, expenditures, and hard work weren’t sincere, much less were they the performance of the duty of a created being. Like Paul, these actions of mine were aimed at atoning for sins and compensating for my past transgressions, and they were ultimately in the pursuit of a favorable outcome and destination. I used apparent sacrifices, expenditures, and hard work in the vain hopes of making an exchange for God’s grace and blessings, and a good outcome and destination, which resulted in an outright relationship of interests with God. I reflected on how my past disruptions and disturbances had nearly led to my expulsion, because ever since believing in God, I had pursued fame, gain, and status. I saw that Xiaoyu, the sister I was partnered with, was better than me, making me feel overshadowed and feel like my halo had been snatched away, leading to my feelings of jealousy, rejection, and judgment against her. I knew Xiaoyu was newly appointed as a leader and not familiar with the work at all, so when the upper leadership notified us to attend gatherings to look into work issues, I made a point of having her attend, thinking she would embarrass herself if she couldn’t say anything during it, and that the leaders would see she wasn’t all that great either, preventing her from taking the spotlight. When Xiaoyu pointed out my work issues, I felt like I had lost face, but instead of reflecting on myself, I seized on her corruption and spread it far and wide, making others isolate her. Later, I ran into security concerns and could only do my duties at home. While Xiaoyu went out every day for work, and the brothers and sisters were willing to fellowship with her, I felt even more strongly that she had stolen my spotlight, and so my jealousy intensified, along with my prejudice against her. When the annual church election came around, I seized on Xiaoyu’s issues to magnify them, claiming she was unsuitable to participate in the election. In this way, I hoped to ensure that no one would threaten my status. I disrupted the election process and caused significant harm to Xiaoyu. These actions revealed my malicious disposition, and demonstrated that I was on the path of an antichrist. I didn’t reflect on these matters to recognize my satanic nature that opposed God, nor did I repent or change, but instead, I sought to atone for my transgressions through apparent suffering and expenditure, hoping to make an exchange for a good destination. I was covertly trying to bargain with God, and this was, in essence, an attempt to deceive God. Continuing down this path wouldn’t allow me to atone for my sins but only accumulate evil deeds, and I’d ultimately be punished by God for resisting Him. Looking back on the path I’d taken in believing in God for many years, I suddenly felt that my pursuit over the years had been utterly absurd, and at that moment, I felt disgust and hatred toward myself. I just wanted to smack my head hard. Why on earth hadn’t I just pursued the truth!

Later, I read more of God’s words, and I gained some understanding of my nature essence. God says: “These days, most people are in this sort of state: In order to gain blessings, I must expend myself for God and pay a price for Him. In order to gain blessings, I must abandon everything for God; I must complete what He has entrusted me with, and I must perform my duty well. This state is dominated by the intention to gain blessings, which is an example of expending oneself for God entirely for the purpose of obtaining rewards from Him and gaining a crown. Such people do not have the truth in their hearts, and it is certain that their understanding merely consists of a few words and doctrines which they show off everywhere they go. Theirs is the path of Paul. The faith of such people is an act of constant toil, and deep down they feel that the more they do, the more it will prove their loyalty to God; that the more they do, the more He will certainly be satisfied; and that the more they do, the more they will deserve to be granted a crown before God, and the greater the blessings they gain will be. They think that if they can endure suffering, preach, and die for Christ, if they can sacrifice their own lives, and if they can complete all of the duties with which God has entrusted them, then they will be those who gain the greatest blessings, and they will be certain to be granted crowns. This is precisely what Paul imagined and what he sought. This is the exact path that he walked, and it was under the guidance of such thoughts that he worked to serve God. Do those thoughts and intentions not originate from a satanic nature? It is just like worldly humans, who believe that while on earth they must pursue knowledge, and that after obtaining it they can stand out from the crowd, become officials, and have status. They think that once they have status, they can realize their ambitions and bring their businesses and family practices up to a certain level of prosperity. Do not all nonbelievers walk this path? Those who are dominated by this satanic nature can only be like Paul in their faith. They think: ‘I must cast off everything to expend myself for god. I must be loyal before god, and eventually, I will receive great rewards and great crowns.’ This is the same attitude as that of worldly people who pursue worldly things. They are no different at all, and they are subject to the same nature. When people have this sort of satanic nature, out in the world, they will seek to obtain knowledge, learning, status, and to stand out from the crowd. If they believe in God, they will seek to obtain great crowns and great blessings. If people do not pursue the truth when they believe in God, they are sure to take this path. This is an immutable fact, it is a natural law. The path that people who do not pursue the truth take is diametrically opposed to that of Peter” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Walk the Path of Peter). I saw my state as exposed by God. I had abandoned everything to do my duty for the sake of blessings, suffered and paid a price to gain blessings, persisted in my duty while ill, and did everything I could to perform my duty well for the sake of blessings. I acted especially obediently and compliantly for the sake of blessings. Everything I did was driven by the desire to receive blessings. When I disturbed the church’s work in my duty, I believed I had left stains and committed transgressions before God, and thought I would face God’s punishment if I didn’t make amends. Therefore, I didn’t dare neglect my duty. When I experienced vertigo in doing my duty, I would take medicine while doing my duty, thinking that this was loyalty to God. When I saw some results in my duty and saw God’s guidance, I felt that blessings were within reach, so my enthusiasm for my duty grew even stronger, and I often worked without complaint even when I was sick. This suffering became my capital, and I believed that after all I had given, God should approve of and grace me. But later, when my illness worsened, I felt despondent and began to complain, thinking, “Why am I so sick when I want to do my duty? If I can’t do my duty, how can I be saved?” My past transgressions felt like a deep rift between God and me, making me feel that my chances of being saved were remote, believing that only through doing more work to make amends could I bridge that gap, and once again obtain God’s mercy and be saved. At that moment, I realized I didn’t understand the truth at all, nor did I have any true understanding of God. I mistakenly believed that the more one suffers while doing their duty, the more they can satisfy God, so even when my body was beyond its breaking point, I didn’t rest, thinking that if I worked while sick, God would see my suffering and approve of and bless me. The truth is, God’s requirements for people aren’t high. He just asks that people do their duties within their capabilities. Yet, it was as if my thoughts had been clouded, and I relentlessly practiced according to my notions and imaginings until I exhausted my body beyond its breaking point, and I still complained against God for not protecting me, shifting all the blame onto God. I was truly being unreasonable and making unfounded accusations! I also realized that the illness I faced wasn’t God’s way of eliminating me, but rather a reflection of my wrong intentions and wrong path. God was using this environment to reveal my corruption and deficiencies, allowing me to recognize and reflect on myself. God was saving me. But I didn’t seek God’s meaning and instead misunderstood and complained against Him. I was truly lacking in conscience and reason. I felt deep regret in my heart and cried out to God in prayer, “God, for this past year, You have been arranging circumstances to cleanse and save me, yet I haven’t sought Your intention at all. Instead, I always pursued blessings and even misunderstood You. I have been so selfish and despicable, and I owe You so much. I am willing to repent and change.”

Later, I heard a hymn of God’s words, which was quite helpful to me.

Success or Failure Depends on Man’s Pursuit

1  As a created being, man should seek to fulfill the duty of a created being, and seek to love God without making other choices, for God is worthy of man’s love. Those who seek to love God should not seek any personal benefits or seek that which they personally long for; this is the most correct means of pursuit. If what you seek is the truth, if what you put into practice is the truth, and if what you attain is a change in your disposition, then the path that you tread is the right one.

2  If what you seek is the blessings of the flesh, and what you put into practice is the truth of your own notions, and if there is no change in your disposition, and you are not at all submissive to God in the flesh, and you still live in vagueness, then what you seek will surely take you to hell, for the path that you walk is the path of failure. Whether you will be made perfect or eliminated depends on your own pursuit, which is also to say that success or failure depends on the path that man walks.

—The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Success or Failure Depends on the Path That Man Walks

I listened to the hymn over and over again, and my heart felt brighter. I realized that God doesn’t consider how much work a person does or the extent of their apparent suffering, but rather whether a person pursues to love and satisfy God, and whether they do their duty according to the truth principles, and if their corrupt disposition has changed. Just like Peter, he pursued the truth and ultimately reached the point of loving God to the utmost and obeying Him unto death, thereby living out the proper likeness of a created being. This is what God approves of. But if one continually pursues blessings, focusing only on working and suffering for God, without seeking the truth or acting according to principles in their duties, and still can make demands of God and bargain with Him, having no changes to their corrupt disposition, then this is a path to failure. I also understood that God’s work today is to restore humanity’s conscience and reason, so that people can listen to God’s words, obey Him, and worship Him. This is the proper likeness of a created being. Recognizing this, I felt relieved, and understood how I should proceed on the next steps of my path. Later, in the course of my duty, I consciously reflected on myself whenever I faced anything, considering what incorrect views I had and what corrupt dispositions I had revealed, opened up with my partnered sisters about my state, and sought God’s words to practice and enter into. Through this practice, I gained some understanding of my corrupt dispositions, and the results of my work improved.

Later, I asked myself how I had always been constrained by my transgressions, and wondered how I should treat this issue. One day, I came across a passage of God’s words and found a path of practice. Almighty God says: “There are bound to be many people who have committed some transgression or other, whether big or small, but there are most likely very few who have committed serious transgressions, the kind of transgression that goes beyond moral boundaries. We won’t talk about those who have committed various other transgressions here, we’ll just talk about what people who have committed serious transgressions, and who have committed the kind of transgression that goes beyond moral boundaries and ethics should do. As for the people who have committed serious transgressions—and here I’m talking about transgressions which go beyond moral boundaries—this does not involve offending God’s disposition and violating His administrative decrees. Do you understand? I’m not talking about transgressions which offend God’s disposition, His essence, or His identity and status, and I’m not talking about transgressions which are blasphemous against God. What I’m talking about are the transgressions which go beyond moral boundaries. There is also something to be said about how those people who have committed transgressions like this can resolve their emotion of depression. Such people have two paths they can take, and it is a simple matter. First, if you feel in your heart that you can let go of that thing you did, or you have the opportunity to apologize to the other person and make it up to them, then you can go make it up to them and apologize, and feelings of peace and ease will return to your spirit; if you don’t have the opportunity to do this, if this is not possible, if you truly come to know your own problem in your innermost heart, if you realize just how serious this thing is that you’ve done, and you feel truly remorseful, then you should come before God to confess and repent. Whenever you think of the thing you’ve done and feel incriminated, which is precisely the time when you should come before God to confess and repent, you must bring your sincerity and true feelings to receive God’s absolution and forgiveness. And how can you be absolved and forgiven by God? This depends on your heart. If you truly confess, truly recognize your mistake and your problem, and whether it be a transgression that you’ve committed or a sin, you adopt an attitude of true confession, you feel true hatred for what you’ve done, and you really turn yourself around, so that you will never do that wrong thing again, then, one day, you will receive God’s absolution and forgiveness, that is, God will no longer determine your outcome based on the ignorant, foolish, and dirty things you have done before. When you reach this level, God will forget the matter entirely; you will be just the same as other normal people, without the slightest difference. However, the premise to this is that you must be sincere and have a true attitude of repentance, like David. How many tears did David weep for the transgression he’d committed? Countless tears. How many times did he weep? Countless times. The tears he wept can be described with these words: ‘Every night make I my bed to swim.’ I don’t know how serious your transgression is. If it is really serious, you may need to weep until your bed floats on the water of your tears—you may have to confess and repent to that level before you can receive God’s forgiveness. If you don’t do this, then I’m afraid your transgression will become a sin in God’s eyes, and you will not be absolved of it. Then you’d be in trouble and there would be no point in saying anything more about this. Therefore, the first step to receiving God’s absolution and forgiveness is that you must be sincere and take practical action to truly confess and repent” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (2)). From God’s words, I understood that when handling my transgressions, I must first come before God, confess to Him, and reflect on myself. Then I must seek the truth concerning my transgressions to achieve a genuine understanding and hatred of myself, thereby becoming truly able to repent. Just like David, who, after committing a transgression, could genuinely regret his action, repent to God and never commit it again. This sincere heart of repentance was so precious! I could evade my transgressions no more. I had to confess my sins to God and repent, ensuring that I would not commit such acts in the future. Later, when I found myself pursuing fame and status in my duty, I prayed to God, asking Him to curse and punish me, so that I would no longer act according to my corrupt dispositions. Through this practice, my resolve to rebel against my flesh grew stronger. In the past, I was very concerned about how others perceived me, and I always wanted to protect my image in the hearts of others. But now I consciously open up and expose my corruption, and through this practice, I feel at ease and at peace in my heart. When encountering problems in my duty, I am now able to consciously seek God’s words and principles, I am no longer constrained by my past transgressions, and feel much more liberated in my heart.

This illness revealed my fallacious viewpoints, and it made me see the wrong path I had taken in my faith. If it weren’t for these circumstances, I wouldn’t have gained any self-awareness and would have continued down this path, ultimately achieving nothing and being eliminated. Moving forward, I am willing to practice according to God’s words, and to do the duty of a created being to satisfy God’s heart and repay His love.