By Jing’en, China

One day in October 2019, my leg was in intense pain, and not even painkillers were helping. I thought of a sister who’d also had leg pain and after treatment at the hospital, she was fine. I thought, “It’s probably nothing serious. After all, I’ve believed in God for many years, and I’ve been doing my duties in the church. Back then, I gave up my stable job and marriage. I’ve also suffered persecution from the great red dragon and mockery and slander from the world. But I’ve always persisted in my faith and duties. I’ve paid such a great price, so even if I am really sick, I believe God will protect and heal me.” Although I was limping, I still didn’t stop doing my duties.

In June 2020, my left leg kept getting worse, and I could no longer walk normally. After going to the hospital for a checkup, the doctor looked at the X-ray of my leg and told me, “You have cancer, and the pain in your leg is caused by a tumor. You need to be hospitalized, and you’ll have to stay off your feet for now.” When I heard the doctor say I had cancer, all the strength left my body, and the tears couldn’t stop flowing down my face. I was very scared, thinking, “How could it be cancer? Now God’s work is in its final stage. Brothers and sisters are all actively doing their duties, but now that I have cancer, does that mean I won’t be able to do my duties? Won’t that mean I have no share in being saved and entering the kingdom?” I thought of my mom, who’d had colon cancer. She’d just had the tumor removed and hadn’t undergone chemotherapy, and after many years, her cancer hadn’t relapsed. Some brothers and sisters in the church had also recovered after having cancer. I felt that since I’d been doing my duties ever since I’d found God, He would protect me. I then underwent a series of tests at the hospital. The diagnosis was bone cancer, and the tumor had already grown to 8 centimeters. The doctor said if this wasn’t treated in time, my left leg might need to be amputated. They also found a shadow in my lung. They weren’t sure if cancer cells had spread there, but if they had, surgery would be unnecessary, as I’d probably only live for three more months. Hearing this diagnosis, I couldn’t help but feel anxious again, and I thought to myself, “If the cancer cells have spread to my lungs, won’t I die?” That night, I tossed and turned in bed, unable to sleep. I thought about how I’d given up everything to do my duties. Over the years, I had put in a lot of effort and run around a lot, but now not only had I not received God’s blessings, I’d also got cancer. I felt that God hadn’t protected me. The more I thought about it, the heavier my heart became. Later, even after reading God’s words, my heart couldn’t settle down, and I spent my days in constant worry. I came before God and prayed, “God, I’m worried that my cancer cells will spread, and that I’ll die, and I find myself living in sorrow and anxiety. Please guide me to learn a lesson in this situation.” In my seeking, I read a passage of God’s words: “Almighty God, the Head of all things, wields His kingly power from His throne. He rules over the universe and all things, and He is in the act of guiding us on the whole earth. We shall at every moment be close to Him, and come before Him in quietness, never missing a single moment, and with lessons for us to learn at all times. Everything, from the surrounding environment to people, affairs, and things, all exist by permission of His throne. Do not on any account let grievances arise in your heart, or God will not bestow His grace upon you. When sickness befalls, this is God’s love, and surely His goodwill is harbored within. Though your body may undergo a bit of suffering, entertain no ideas from Satan. Praise God in the midst of illness and enjoy God in the midst of your praise. Do not lose heart in the face of illness, keep seeking again and again and do not give up, and God will illuminate and enlighten you. How was Job’s faith? Almighty God is an all-powerful physician! To dwell in sickness is to be sick, but to dwell in the spirit is to be well. So long as you still have one breath, God will not let you die” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Utterances of Christ in the Beginning, Chapter 6). God controls the universe and all things, so isn’t my life in His hands? My getting cancer was by God’s permission, and there was a lesson I had to learn. I thought of a sister’s experience. She had late-stage rectal cancer, and the doctors all said her illness was incurable. But she continued to pray to God, eat and drink God’s words, and got through this situation by relying on faith. In the end, her illness miraculously healed. I saw that man’s life and death is in God’s hands, not determined by doctors. Though I’d gotten this cancer, if God were to have me live, even if the cancer cells spread, I wouldn’t die. But if my time had come, no one could help me. These things were all predestined by God. I had to entrust myself to God, and while waiting for my results, I had to eat and drink more of God’s words and draw nearer to Him. I had to actually rely on God and experience His words. Like Job, no matter how God worked, I should maintain a God-fearing heart and submit to Him. This is what aligns with God’s intention. God’s words calmed my heart, and I was no longer so distressed.

Half a month later, the doctor said the cancer cells hadn’t spread, and that surgery could be carried out. I was really moved, and I couldn’t stop thanking God. Although the doctor said the tumor in my pelvis was really large and that surgery was very risky, I wasn’t afraid anymore. Thanks to God’s protection, the surgery was a great success. Ten days later, I went to a rehabilitation hospital to start my recovery. Due to the pain in my pelvis bone and the numbness in my leg, I couldn’t sit in a wheelchair for more than an hour, and I had to take a lot of painkillers each day. I couldn’t turn over in bed either, and I kept waking up in pain at night. I thought to myself, “When will these days of agony end? I’ve been praying and eating and drinking God’s words, so why hasn’t God eased my pain? Even a little relief would be good and I wouldn’t feel so miserable! The pain in my bones makes me feel like I’d be better off dead. I’d rather just die and be free from this.” But then I thought, “Am I not arguing with God?” In my pain, I came before God and prayed, “God, I feel so weak and despondent, and the pain in my body is too much for me to bear. Please keep me from complaining or sinning with my words any further, and please enable me to stand firm in my testimony in this situation.” At that moment, I remembered Job’s experience again, and I found a passage of God’s words to read. Almighty God says: “After gaining God’s permission, Satan rushed to Job and stretched forth its hand to afflict his skin, causing sore boils all over his body, and Job felt pain upon his skin. Job praised the wondrousness and holiness of Jehovah God, which made Satan even more flagrant in its audaciousness. Because it had felt the joy of hurting man, Satan stretched forth its hand and raked Job’s flesh, causing his sore boils to fester. Job immediately felt a pain and torment upon his flesh that was without parallel, and he could not help but knead himself from head to foot with his hands, as if this would relieve the blow that had been dealt to his spirit by this pain of his flesh. He realized that God was by his side watching him, and he tried his best to steel himself. He once more knelt to the ground, and said: ‘You look within man’s heart, You observe his misery; why does his weakness concern You? Praised be the name of Jehovah God.’ Satan saw the unbearable pain of Job, but it did not see Job forsake the name of Jehovah God. Thus it hastily stretched forth its hand to afflict the bones of Job, desperate to tear him limb from limb. In an instant, Job felt unprecedented torment; it was as if his flesh had been ripped apart from the bones, and as if his bones were being smashed apart piece by piece. This agonizing torment made him think it would be better to die…. His ability to bear this pain had reached its limit…. He wanted to cry out, he wanted to tear at the skin on his body in an attempt to lessen the pain—yet he held back his screams, and did not tear at the skin on his body, for he did not want to let Satan see his weakness. So Job knelt once more, but at this time he felt not the presence of Jehovah God. He knew that Jehovah God was often before him, and behind him, and on either side of him. Yet during his pain, God had never once watched; He covered His face and was hidden, for the meaning of His creation of man was not to bring suffering upon man. At this time, Job was weeping and doing his best to endure this physical agony, yet he could no longer keep himself from giving thanks to God: ‘Man falls at the first blow, he is weak and powerless, he is young and ignorant—why would You wish to be so caring and tender toward him? You strike me, yet it hurts You to do so. What of man is worth Your care and concern?’ Job’s prayers reached the ears of God, and God was silent, only watching without making any sound …” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God’s Work, God’s Disposition, and God Himself II). After reading God’s words, I was moved to tears. I saw all the ways Satan harmed Job. Job’s boils festered, and the pain in his flesh and bones made him feel that dying would be better than living, but he held back his cries and knelt down to pray to God, and he endured immense pain without uttering a single complaint, and still praised God’s holy name. In the end, he stood firm in his testimony, shaming Satan. Comparing myself to Job, I felt truly ashamed, and I saw how pitifully small my stature was. I’d said before God that I would submit to God and accept His tests, but when the pain in my body persisted, I began arguing with God, asking Him to relieve my bodily suffering, and I even wanted to use my death to coerce God. I was truly unreasonable! I wanted to follow Job’s example and stand firm in my testimony for God, and no matter the pain in my bones or the discomfort in my body, I couldn’t complain! Although the pain in my body was putting me in a lot of discomfort, I was provided for with God’s words, and every day I read the experiential testimonies of my brothers and sisters, listened to sermons and fellowship on life entry, and my heart came to feel less bitter.

One afternoon not long after, my wound suddenly began to discharge a lot of pus and blood, and after the doctor took an X-ray, they discovered that the support frame in my thigh had fallen out and needed to be reinstalled. After the surgery, I had a high fever that wouldn’t subside, and I was on the verge of death. The doctor said my wound had become severely infected, that there was a risk to my life, and that the support frame had to be removed, and I would have to undergo debridement surgery two to three times a week. Every time I had an MRI, I had to lie down for about forty minutes, and my buttocks hurt terribly, as if they were being pierced by a sharp object. In that moment, I broke down completely, thinking, “I’m so ill, never mind recovering and walking again, I might die at any moment. Could it be that God is punishing me? Doesn’t God remember the sacrifices I’ve made and how I’ve expended myself? I may not have made any contribution, but I have endured hardship. It would be better to die than carry on like this. But seeking death isn’t in line with God’s intention. But I really can’t endure this constant pain anymore. I wish God could ease my pain just a little. Why doesn’t God show mercy on me and heal my illness?” Later, I realized that I was once again arguing with and opposing God, and I felt deeply guilty. I cried and prayed to God, “God, my illness has suddenly worsened, and I’ve been spending my days in agony. Although I know that there are truths I ought to seek in this situation, I still can’t help but argue with You. I am truly rebellious! God, please enlighten and guide me to know my issues.” After praying, I read a passage of God’s words: “So many believe in Me only that I might heal them. So many believe in Me only that I might use My power to drive unclean spirits out from their bodies, and so many believe in Me simply that they might receive peace and joy from Me. So many believe in Me only to demand from Me greater material wealth. So many believe in Me just to spend this life in peace and to be safe and sound in the world to come. So many believe in Me to avoid the suffering of hell and to receive the blessings of heaven. So many believe in Me only for temporary comfort, yet do not seek to gain anything in the world to come. When I grant My fury to people and seize all the joy and peace that they once possessed, they become doubtful. When I grant to people the suffering of hell and reclaim the blessings of heaven, they fly into a rage. When people ask Me to heal them, and I pay them no heed and feel abhorrence toward them, they depart from Me to instead seek the way of evil medicine and sorcery. When I take away all that people have demanded from Me, they all disappear without a trace. Thus, I say that people have faith in Me because My grace is too abundant, and because there are far too many benefits to gain” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. What Do You Know of Faith?). God’s every word pierced my heart. My state and behavior were exactly as God had exposed. I wasn’t treating God as God in my faith, I was just treating God as a doctor, as someone from whom I could demand grace and blessings. Being able to forsake everything to do my duties in my faith in God was all to receive grace and blessings from God. I thought that as long as I did my duty diligently, suffered, and paid a price, then even if I fell ill, God would protect and heal me. I believed that when the great catastrophe came, I would survive and be saved by God, and enter into His kingdom. So, when my family stood in my way, when I was persecuted by the great red dragon, and no matter how much I suffered in my duties, I still followed God. Especially when I saw my mother healed from cancer, I thought God would heal my illness too. This made me more active in my duties. But when I suffered during my treatment, when my condition started worsening, and when I was confronted by death, I argued back against God and complained. I demanded that God look upon all my years of sacrifice and expenditure and heal me, relieving me from this pain of mine. I was using my sacrifices and expenditures to try and make a deal with God, and I was trying to bargain with God. I treated God as a doctor who could heal me and some kind of magical panacea. I was filled with demands and requests toward God. In what way did I have any conscience, reason, or a God-fearing heart? If I didn’t seek the truth to resolve my corrupt disposition, I’d surely end up being loathed and eliminated by God. I had to turn around this attitude of mine.

Later, I read more of God’s words: “What is the problem with people always making demands of God? And what is the problem with them always having notions about God? What is contained within man’s nature? I’ve discovered that, regardless of what happens to them, or what they’re dealing with, people always protect their own interests and worry about their own flesh, and they always look for reasons or excuses that serve them. They don’t seek or accept the truth in the slightest, and everything they do is in order to defend their own flesh and plotting for the sake of their own prospects. They all solicit grace from God, wanting to gain whatever advantages they can. Why do people make so many demands of God? This proves that people are greedy by nature, and that before God, they are not possessed of any reason at all. In everything people do—whether they are praying or fellowshipping or preaching—their pursuits, thoughts, and aspirations, these things are all demands of God and attempts to solicit things from Him, they are all done by people in the hope of gaining something from God. Some people say that ‘this is human nature,’ which is correct! In addition, people making too many demands of God and having too many extravagant desires proves that people are truly lacking in conscience and reason. They are all demanding and soliciting things for their own sakes, or trying to argue and find excuses for themselves—they do all of this for themselves. In many things, it can be seen that what people do is totally devoid of reason, which is full proof that the satanic logic of ‘Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost’ has already become man’s nature. What problem is illustrated by people making too many demands of God? It illustrates that people have been corrupted by Satan to a certain point, and that in their belief in God, they don’t treat Him as God at all. Some people say: ‘If we didn’t treat God like God, then why would we still believe in Him? If we didn’t treat Him like God, could we have kept following Him until now? Could we have endured all this suffering?’ On the surface, you believe in God, and you are able to follow Him, yet in your attitude toward Him, and in your views on many things, you don’t treat God like the Creator at all. If you treat God like God, if you treat God as the Creator, then you should stand in your position as a created being, and it would be impossible for you to make any demands of God, or have any extravagant desires. Instead, in your heart, you would be capable of true submission, and you would be fully capable of believing in God in accordance with His requirements, and of submitting to all of His work” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. People Make Too Many Demands of God). When I read the exposure of God’s words, I thought about my own behavior after falling ill. My state was exactly as God had described. I’d believed in God for many years, but I’d forsaken my marriage, family, and job to do my duties for grace and rewards. My doing duties, suffering, and paying a price were also for my own salvation and entry into the kingdom of heaven. When my leg pain first started, I tried my best to keep at my duties in the hope that this would make God protect and heal my illness. When I was tormented by unbearable pain, I asked God to lessen my pain. And when my condition worsened and I was confronted by death time and again, I found myself making demand after demand of God, asking Him to consider my weakness and take away my pain. When God didn’t do as I wished, I complained and argued with God. I found myself in a state of opposition to God, not wanting to eat and drink God’s words or pray. My so-called loyalty, sacrifices, and expenditures were all for myself, to receive God’s grace and blessings, to survive in the great catastrophe and to be saved and enter into the kingdom of heaven. I was trying to make a deal with God, and was trying to deceive God and take advantage of Him! I thought of Paul from the Age of Grace. Though he made sacrifices and expended himself to propagate the gospel of the Lord Jesus throughout much of Europe, in the end, he said, “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: From now on there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness” (2 Timothy 4:7–8). Paul’s expenditures and sacrifices were for the purpose of obtaining blessings and a crown, and he wasn’t standing in the position of a created being to do his duties. Instead, he was trying to make a deal with God, completely going against God’s demands. Paul walked a path of resisting God, and in the end, he was punished by God. Weren’t my perspective on what to pursue and the path I was walking in believing in God just the same as Paul’s? God is righteous and holy, and though I’d believed in God for many years, my intention of seeking blessings hadn’t changed. I had no sincerity or love toward God, and my disposition hadn’t changed at all. In what way was I worthy of blessings or to enter God’s kingdom? Forsaking everything doesn’t give me the capital, and suffering and expending myself to do my duties isn’t a condition that means I can try to make a deal with God. These are just what I should do as a created being. If I didn’t abandon my intention of seeking blessings, sincerely pursue the truth, and focus on achieving transformation in my life disposition and true submission to God, then no matter how much I sacrificed and expended myself, even if I ran myself ragged, I wouldn’t meet with God’s approval, and in the end, I’d just be loathed and punished by God.

From then on, no matter how much pain my wounds caused, I became willing to submit and rely on God to experience this situation. When the illness worsened again, I’d pray inwardly, and I wouldn’t make unreasonable demands of God like before. Instead, I’d rebel against my flesh and submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements. I spent much of my time focusing on praying to God, eating and drinking His words, learning hymns, and watching experiential testimony videos. A month later, my body gradually recovered. When I was discharged, the doctor didn’t mention chemotherapy at all. He just told me I needed to come in for check-ups every three months.

During a devotional one day, I read a passage of God’s words: “Do you remember what Peter said? (‘Even if God were playing with humans as if they were toys, what complaint would humans have?’) This is about submission. If you experience things this way, you will gradually learn the truth and you will naturally get results. First, you need an attitude of submission toward God and the truth. Don’t worry about what sort of looks God is casting your way, what His attitude and tone of voice are toward you, whether or not He is averse to you, and whether or not He is going to reveal you. Start by resolving your own difficulties and problems. Can ordinary people easily attain to what Peter said? (Not easily, no.) What experiences did he have and what realities did he possess that allowed him to say that? (He fully believed that no matter how God treats man, it is to save man and it’s nothing but love. That’s why he was happy to submit.) Peter said ‘Even if God were playing with humans as if they were toys,’ and you said ‘no matter how God treats man.’ You are taking yourself as a created being, as a follower of God, and as a member of God’s house. So, is there a difference between the two? Yes, there is. There is a disparity! Where does the disparity between a toy and a human being lie? A toy is nothing at all—it is worthless, a miserable wretch. Call it a toy, or call it a beast—it is that sort of thing. But what about a person? A person has thoughts and a brain; they are able to speak and to do things, and they can conduct normal human activities. Compared to those of a toy, is there a difference in a human’s value and status? … If you are taken as a human, then what sort of treatment would you demand? That you are respected, that you are consulted, that your feelings are considered, that you are given adequate space and freedom, and that your dignity and reputation are considered. That is the way human beings are treated. But what about toys? (They are nothing at all. They can be kicked around.) (You can use them when you want to use them, and toss them aside when you don’t.) That’s an appropriate thing to say. This is what you have to say about the treatment of toys, so how would you describe treating a human being as a toy? (You use them when you need them, and just ignore them when you don’t.) You treat them without any respect, and there is no need to protect their rights. You don’t give them any rights, or autonomy, or freedom of choice. There’s no need to consult with them in things, or consider their honor, or anything like that. You can be nice to them when you feel good, but you can kick them around when you don’t. That’s the attitude taken toward a toy. If God treated people like toys, how would they feel? Would they still feel that God is lovable? (No.) But Peter was able to praise God. What truth realities did he possess that allowed him to achieve submission to the point of death? God did not actually treat man like a toy. But when Peter’s understanding reached this level, he thought: ‘If God were to treat me that way, I should still submit to it. If God treated me like a toy, how could I not be ready and willing?’ Peter achieved this readiness, this willingness. What does being ‘ready and willing’ refer to? (Putting himself at the mercy of God’s orchestrations and submitting to them absolutely.) That is the truth of submission. Wouldn’t handing you over to Satan be the way to treat a toy? You’d be cast away when you’re not wanted, given over to Satan so that it could tempt you and make a fool of you. What was Peter’s attitude? Did he have any complaints? Did he complain to God? Did he curse God? Did he turn to Satan? (No.) This is called submission. He had no complaints, he had no displays of negativity or resistance. Was his corrupt disposition not resolved? This was in perfect harmony with God. It wasn’t a matter of whether he would betray God or not. It was a matter of: ‘No matter where God puts me, my heart will have God; no matter where God puts me, I will be one who belongs to Him. Even if He turns me into ashes, I will still belong to God. I will never turn to Satan.’ He was able to reach this level of submission. Saying this is easy, but doing it is difficult. You have to be equipped with the truth for a certain amount of time until you see all this completely and clearly, then putting the truth into practice will be much easier” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Submission to God Is a Basic Lesson in Gaining the Truth). I kept thinking over these words of God, and I finally understood why God used Peter’s experience as an example for us to follow. Peter said, “Even if God were playing with humans as if they were toys, what complaint would humans have?” Peter was able to submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements, and even during trials and refinements, he was able to take joy in God’s judgment and chastisement, and he had a God-fearing heart. Peter said that even if God treated him like a toy, he would have no complaints. Peter stood in his rightful place, had no desire to make a deal with or make demands of God, and only submitted, and no matter what God did, he allowed God to orchestrate everything. In the end, Peter was perfected by God. I thought about how I hadn’t stood in my rightful place when illness befell me, and about how I only sought peace for my flesh. When God didn’t fulfill my demands, my body suffered, and my desire for blessings was shattered, I tried to argue and compete with God, and I even thought of ending it all. Compared to Peter, in what way did I have any humanity or reason? I was utterly unworthy to live before God! Humans are created by God, and whatever God does with me is appropriate. The intentions behind God’s actions are beyond my understanding. From a human perspective, grace and bodily peace seem like good things. But in reality, solving one’s corrupt disposition requires even more judgment, chastisement, suffering, and refinement. Just as when this illness came upon me, although it didn’t align with my notions, it was actually beneficial to my life, and it was even more beneficial in resolving my corrupt disposition. This was God’s special blessing upon me. At that moment, I found that I had a goal to pursue in my heart. I wanted to follow Peter’s example, and no matter how the cancer developed or whether I would die, I was willing to stand in my rightful place as a created being and submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements.

Later on, my body gradually started to recover, and I began using a cane and learned to walk on one leg. Three months later, I went for a check-up at the hospital, and the doctor said I had recovered quite well, and that since the cancer hadn’t relapsed, I didn’t need chemotherapy. In March 2023, I returned to my hometown for a follow-up appointment. The doctor was surprised when he saw the test results, and he said, “For this type of bone cancer, 99% of patients would need chemotherapy, but not only did you not need chemotherapy or radiotherapy, but the cancer hasn’t relapsed either. This is truly a miracle!” Hearing the doctor say this, I silently gave thanks and praise to God in my heart. Later, I resumed my duties in the church. Although my leg would still get numb from sitting for long periods, and my hip bones would hurt, I was no longer constrained or made demands of God because of it. Instead, I came to feel very grateful and cherished the chance I had to do my duties. When I let go of the intention of seeking blessings, submitted, and did my duties, I felt a great sense of ease in my heart.