27. Fear of Taking Responsibility Revealed My Selfishness and Despicableness
In 2023, I was doing text-based duties in the church. In June, the supervisor Yang Feng told me that the leaders were planning to assign him to do his duty in another location and that I was going to be made supervisor. Upon hearing this, I felt immediately overwhelmed, thinking, “Make me supervisor? How can that be possible! Ever since I found God and began to do my duty, I’ve always just been an ordinary member of the church. I’ve never been a supervisor. Supervisors have many responsibilities and a broad scope of work. Not only are they responsible for professional work, but they also have to resolve the brothers’ and sisters’ states and solve various problems that arise in the work. This is much more complex than the work of ordinary members. Usually, I’m not good at communicating with people, and I lack discernment. There’s also a lot about the work a supervisor should do that I don’t understand or know how to do. Isn’t this duty too much for me? Moreover, the responsibilities of a supervisor are much more serious than those of an ordinary member. When I just started doing text-based duties, there was a supervisor who didn’t screen articles according to principles and who always scrapped the experiential testimony articles of brothers and sisters based on personal preference. This disrupted and disturbed the work and led to her being dismissed. If I were to do this duty, and the results were poor or if any problems arose, I would have to bear the responsibility. In the best-case scenario, I’d just be pruned, but at worst, if the work were disrupted and disturbed, I might end up being cleansed away from the church. If that happened, my future and destiny would be done for!” The more I thought about it, the more I felt that this duty was difficult to do, so I told Yang Feng, “I can’t do this duty. Is it possible to transfer over a supervisor from somewhere else?” Yang Feng said they hadn’t found a suitable person at that moment. I realized that this situation had been permitted by God, and that it was wrong for me to just want to refuse and to lack an attitude of submission. So, I decided to submit first. Although I agreed to take on the duty of supervisor, when I thought about how, apart from professional work, I hadn’t come into contact with much other work, I felt a lot of pressure, and didn’t know how I should do the work going forward, and I just hoped that the leaders would assign someone else to take over as supervisor.
Next, I began to wonder, “I’ve never done this duty before, and there’s a lot I don’t understand about it, so why did God arrange this situation for me? And how should I treat this matter?” Just as I was thinking over these things, a passage of God’s words suddenly came to my mind: “When some people have just been promoted, they don’t know what tasks they should do or how to do them, and are a little bewildered. This is normal; who was ever born able to do everything? If you could do everything, you would certainly be the most arrogant and conceited of people, and wouldn’t yield to anyone—in which case, could you still accept the truth? If you could do everything, would you still depend on God and look up to Him? Would you still seek the truth to resolve the problems of your own corruption? You certainly would not. On the contrary, you would be arrogant and conceited and walk the path of antichrists, you would fight for power and status and yield to no one, and you would mislead and ensnare people, and disrupt and disturb the church’s work—in which case, could you still be used by God’s house? If you know that you have many shortcomings, you should learn to obey and submit, and do the various tasks well according to the requirements of God’s house; this will allow you to gradually reach the point where you can do your duty in a way that is up to standard” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (5)). God’s words brought an immediate brightness to my heart, and I began to understand God’s intention a bit better. I realized I had a mistaken view within me. I thought that only those who knew everything and could do anything were qualified to be promoted to do the duty of supervisor. In fact, God’s house had promoted and cultivated many people, and not all of them understood everything when they started out, but instead, they grasped principles bit by bit through gradual training. It’s normal to not understand or know everything when starting a new duty, and I had to have a correct attitude toward this matter. Thinking back, hadn’t it been the same for me over all these years of me doing my duties? No matter what duty I was doing, I didn’t understand everything when I first started training, but I was assigned to train because I was able to understand some principles. Later, thanks to God’s enlightenment and the help of my brothers and sisters, along with experiencing some failures, being revealed, and by summarizing and reflecting, I gradually came to understand and grasp some principles. This time, the church had arranged for me to do the duty of a supervisor, and though I wouldn’t know how to do it at first, and I’d have some difficulties, this would be perfectly normal, and I had to start by submitting and rely on God to train. I also realized from God’s words that, my many shortcomings in this duty could help me remain lowkey, and when faced with issues, I could seek others’ opinions more, allowing me to avoid disrupting and disturbing my duties due to arrogance and conceit, and clinging to my own views. Because I was quite arrogant, and had thought that I had some intelligence and caliber, and understood some truth principles, I kept looking down on others. When I encountered differing opinions, I’d think I was right, and so I’d often cling to my own views. This had disrupted and disturbed the work and almost led to my dismissal. If I knew and could do everything, I would indeed be prone to doing things based on my arrogant disposition. But this time, in the duty of supervisor, I was lacking in many areas, and I couldn’t act arrogantly even if I wanted to. This was in fact a protection upon me.
Later on, I read another passage of God’s words: “When God’s house promotes and cultivates someone to be a leader, it gives them more of a burden to train them, to make them depend on God, and to make them strive toward the truth; only then will their stature grow as quickly as possible. The greater the burden that is placed on them, the more pressure they are put under, and the more they are forced to seek the truth and depend on God. Ultimately, they will be able to do their work properly and follow God’s will, and so will have set foot upon the right track of being saved and made perfect—this is the effect that is achieved when God’s house promotes and cultivates people. Without doing these specific tasks, they would not know what they are lacking, they would not know how to do things according to principles, and they would not know what it means to possess the truth reality. So doing specific work helps them discover their shortcomings and see that, apart from their gifts, they are devoid of the truth reality; it helps them sense how impoverished and pitiful they are, making them realize that if they do not depend on God and seek the truth, they will be incapable of any work; it makes them truly get to know themselves and see clearly that if they do not pursue the truth and changes in disposition, it will be impossible for them to be fit for God’s use. These are all the effects that must be achieved when leaders and workers are cultivated and trained. Only by understanding these aspects can people pursue the truth with both feet on the ground, conduct themselves with a low profile, be guaranteed to no longer brag about themselves when doing their work, consistently exalt God and testify to God in doing their duty, and enter step by step into the truth reality. … The more the opportunities for training, the more plentiful people’s experiences, the broader their insights, and the more quickly they will grow. If people do not do leadership work, however, they will only encounter and undergo personal existence and personal experiences, and only recognize personal corrupt dispositions and various personal states—all of which only relate to themselves. Once they become leaders, they encounter more people, more events, and more environments, which encourages them to often come before God to seek the truth principles. For them, these people, events, and things form an invisible burden, and naturally also create highly favorable conditions for their entry into the truth reality, which is a good thing. And so, someone who is possessed of caliber, carries a burden, and has work capability will enter slowly as an ordinary believer, and faster as a leader or worker” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (5)). After reading God’s words, I began to understand a bit about the significance of God’s house promoting and cultivating people. The promotion and cultivation of people in God’s house isn’t done to reveal or eliminate people, but to give people a burden and provide them with more opportunities to train. With greater responsibilities, the problems encountered in work increase, and the pruning, setbacks, and failures will also be more frequent. It may seem that the flesh has to endure some suffering, but God precisely uses such situations to help us know our corrupt dispositions, discover our shortcomings and deficiencies, and to force us to rely more on Him and seek the truth. This is beneficial for us to understand ourselves, enter truth realities, and achieve salvation. If we experience fewer things and don’t have any difficulties, then the revelation of our corrupt dispositions will be scant, thereby making it difficult for us to see our shortcomings clearly and limiting our understanding of our corrupt dispositions, slowing our growth in every area. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that God’s house promoting and cultivating a person contains God’s painstaking intentions. The church arranging for me to take on the duty of supervisor wasn’t to deliberately make things difficult for me, nor was it to reveal or eliminate me, but to allow me to gain more training, to enter truth realities more quickly, and also to do my duties better. But I didn’t understand God’s intention and still complained and resisted. I was truly lacking in humanity and reason!
Later on, I thought some more, “Why was I unwilling to take on the duty of supervisor? Besides having incorrect views, what other corrupt dispositions were behind this?” In my reflection, I read more of God’s words: “Some people are afraid of taking responsibility while performing their duty. If the church gives them a job to do, they will first consider whether the job requires them to take responsibility, and if it does, they will not accept the job. Their conditions for performing a duty are, first, that it must be a slack job; second, that it is not busy or tiring; and third, that no matter what they do, they do not take any responsibility. This is the only kind of duty they take on. What sort of a person is this? Is this not a slippery, deceitful person? They do not want to shoulder even the smallest amount of responsibility. They even fear that leaves will break their skull when they fall from trees. What duty can a person like this perform? What use could they have in the house of God? The work of the house of God has to do with the work of battling Satan, as well as spreading the kingdom gospel. What duty does not entail responsibilities? Would you say that being a leader carries responsibility? Are their responsibilities not all the greater, and must they not take responsibility all the more? Regardless of whether you spread the gospel, testify, make videos, and so on—no matter what work you do—so long as it pertains to the truth principles, it carries with it responsibilities. If the performance of your duty is unprincipled, it will affect the work of God’s house, and if you are afraid of taking responsibility, then you cannot perform any duty. Is someone who fears taking responsibility in performing their duty cowardly, or is there a problem with their disposition? You must be able to tell the difference. The fact is that this is not an issue of cowardice. If that person were after wealth, or they were doing something in their own interest, how could they be so brave? They would take on any risk. But when they do things for the church, for God’s house, they take on no risk at all. Such people are selfish and vile, the most treacherous of all. … If you protect yourself whenever something befalls you and leave yourself an escape route, a back door, are you putting the truth into practice? This is not practicing the truth—it is being sneaky. You are performing your duty in the house of God now. What is the first principle of performing a duty? It is that you must first perform that duty with your whole heart, sparing no effort, and protect the interests of God’s house. This is a truth principle, one that you should put into practice. Protecting oneself by leaving oneself an escape route, a back door, is the principle of practice followed by nonbelievers, and their most elevated philosophy. Considering oneself first in all things and placing one’s own interests before all else, not thinking of others, having no connection with the interests of God’s house and the interests of others, thinking of one’s own interests first and then thinking of an escape route—is that not what a nonbeliever is? This is precisely what a nonbeliever is. This sort of person is not fit to perform a duty” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Eight: They Would Have Others Submit Only to Them, Not the Truth or God (Part One)). From God’s words, I saw that when doing my duties, I should first consider how to devote my heart and strength and how to uphold the interests of the church. God says that if people are constantly afraid of taking responsibility, always plan for and think about their personal interests, and refuse and shirk their duties, they are treacherous, selfish, despicable, and no different from nonbelievers. God loathes and is disgusted by such people. Originally, I’d thought that since I’d never done the duty of a supervisor and had no experience, it would be normal for me to refuse this duty, and this wasn’t a serious matter, but now I realized that these were just my own notions and imaginings, and not in line with the truth. I thought back to when I heard I was going to be made a supervisor. I didn’t feel this was God’s elevation and didn’t think about how to do this duty well. Instead, my first thoughts were about the many responsibilities I’d have to shoulder as a supervisor, that if I didn’t do well, I would be pruned, and that if I caused any disruptions and disturbances, my future and destiny could be done for. I felt that I’d be safer as just a regular team member, as this way I wouldn’t have to take so many responsibilities and I’d be less at risk of being revealed or eliminated. Later, even though I took on the duty, I did so with great reluctance, and I always hoped the leaders would find someone else to take my place. I thought about how when nonbelievers interact, they are always on guard against one another, always fearing that others may act against their interests, and so they always try to keep something up their sleeve. But even though I had found God and was doing my duties, I was still constantly guarded against God. If I felt that the duties arranged for me by the church posed no threat to my future, then I was willing to pay a price and do them, but as soon as I felt that these duties might carry some form of risk, I didn’t want to do them. I often claimed that I should consider God’s intentions, but when I was faced with a duty that needed my cooperation, I only considered my personal future and destiny. I used my lack of experience as an excuse to shirk my duties, without any consideration for God at all. I saw that I had been utterly selfish, despicable, slippery, and deceitful. Nonbelievers prioritize personal interests above all, and weren’t these thoughts of mine and the things I was revealing the same as those of nonbelievers? I saw that I was truly lacking in conscience and reason. Although there were many things I didn’t understand as a supervisor, I should first train and see how things went. If I did my best but still wasn’t up to my duties, then I wouldn’t have any regrets. Later, Yang Feng took me around to familiarize me with the work of the various groups. At first, I was really confused and didn’t know what to do or how to do it, but later, as I did it while feeling the way ahead, I found a path forward.
Not long after, the CCP launched another spate of large-scale arrests against believers, and we had to urgently move because the place we were living in had become unsafe. The situation in other places was also bad. The upper leaders requested that churches in various places provide personnel with good caliber for text-based duties. I thought to myself, “In the dire situation we’re in now, some of the church’s work is already difficult to implement. If people with good caliber end up being transferred away, how can we expect the work to be effective moving forward? If Yang Feng also leaves at this critical moment, then if the work is ineffective or any problems arise, I’ll have to bear the responsibility. If things get really bad, I might be dismissed or eliminated, and then I’ll have no good future or destiny.” With this in mind, I regretted accepting this duty in the first place. It just so happened that Yang Feng couldn’t leave the region for the time being due to safety concerns, and I thought, “If he doesn’t leave, then he’ll still be responsible for the work. Even if I’m a supervisor, I’d just be an assistant. If anything really went wrong, the leaders would still go to him.” During that time, I used being busy with my work at hand as an excuse and didn’t pay much attention to the overall work. I thought to myself, “Since Yang Feng hasn’t left yet, he can handle any problems that arise.” Not long after, the leaders understood my state and sent me a few passages of God’s words. God says: “An antichrist sees being blessed as greater than the heavens, greater than life, more important than pursuing the truth, dispositional change, or personal salvation, and more important than doing their duty well, and being a created being that is up to standard. They think that being a created being that is up to standard, doing their duty well and being saved are all paltry things that are hardly worth mentioning or remarking on, while gaining blessings is the only thing in their entire life that can never be forgotten. In whatever they encounter, no matter how great or small, they relate it to being blessed, and are incredibly cautious and attentive, and they always leave a way out for themselves” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Twelve: They Want to Withdraw When They Have No Status or No Hope of Gaining Blessings). “In particular, there are some people who, when asked to take responsibility for certain work, don’t consider how they can offer their loyalty, or how to perform this duty and do this work well. Rather, they consider how to shirk responsibility, how to avoid being pruned, how to avoid taking any responsibility, and how to emerge unscathed when problems or mistakes occur. They first consider their own escape route and how to satisfy their own preferences and interests, not how to perform their duties well and offer their loyalty. … So, what kind of people perform their duties in this way? Are they people who pursue the truth? Firstly, one thing is certain: People like this do not pursue the truth. They seek to enjoy a few blessings, become famous, and step into the spotlight in God’s house, just like when they were getting by in society. In terms of essence, what kind of people are they? They are disbelievers” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Eight: They Would Have Others Submit Only to Them, Not the Truth or God (Part One)). “If people don’t understand the truth, then nothing is harder for them to give up than their own interests. That’s because their life philosophies are ‘Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost’ and ‘Man dies for wealth as birds do for food.’ Clearly, they live for their own interests. People think that without their own interests—that if they were to lose their interests—they wouldn’t be able to survive. It’s as if their survival is inseparable from their own interests, so most people are blind to all but their own interests. They see their own interests as higher than anything else, they live for their own interests, and getting them to give up their own interests is like asking them to give up their own lives” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Knowing One’s Disposition Is the Foundation of Changing It). God exposes that antichrists view receiving blessings as the goal of believing in God. They don’t put effort into pursuing the truth and link everything that happens to the receiving of blessings. In regard to the duties assigned by the church in particular, they are always afraid of taking responsibilities or transgressing due to delaying work, and they are constantly guarded against God out of fear of being eliminated and losing the chance to receive blessings. This is truly wicked and deceitful of them! I saw my behavior was just like that of an antichrist. Ever since I’d been assigned the duty of a supervisor, all I could think about was how not doing well could harm the work and possibly lead to me being revealed and eliminated and losing the chance for blessings. My thoughts weren’t on how to familiarize myself with the work quickly, or how to resolve the various issues in the work. I only considered my personal interests. Reflecting on my behavior, I realized I was being controlled by the satanic poison of “Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost.” Everything I did and said was based on the principle of self-interest, and I had been utterly selfish and despicable. I was well aware that when Yang Feng was reassigned, no one would be supervising the text-based work of several churches and that the work would be affected, but I still worried about my personal interests and was reluctant to accept this duty. Though I had read some of God’s words and I understood that when the church promotes someone, God’s intention is for them to train and understand the truth, not to reveal and eliminate them, I still felt insecure and didn’t have the courage to entrust everything to God. In particular, after the CCP’s arrests, the work faced various difficulties, and a person with conscience and reason would have actively taken on responsibility. But all I thought about was my own future and how I could leave myself with a backup plan. To avoid bearing responsibility, I used being busy with my current work as an excuse not to participate in the overall work, and I even thought that since Yang Feng was at risk, it wouldn’t be convenient for him to do his duty elsewhere, so I wouldn’t have to be a supervisor and put myself at risk. I only thought about my personal interests and didn’t consider the church’s work at all. I even wished ill upon others and revealed malicious thoughts. In what way did I have any humanity? I saw I just believed in God to receive blessings and rewards, and that even when I could do some duties, I was just trying to bargain with God. When it was truly necessary for me to take responsibility, I would hide far away. I had no sincerity toward God or my duty in my heart! The things I kept saying like “I will do my duties properly and consider God’s intentions” were all just empty words. I was just saying nice-sounding things to try and earn God’s favor so He would give me a good destination in the future. Was I not just trying to deceive and use God? I realized that I was not only selfish and despicable but that I had a truly wicked disposition too. The more I reflected, the more I felt that the things I had revealed were repulsive and detestable to God. I thought about my limited stature and experience, and I saw that God had graced me by giving me the opportunity to train in the duty of a supervisor, and that this was so I could quickly grasp principles and enter truth realities. But I didn’t cherish this opportunity God had given me, nor did I think about how to do my duty well and repay God’s love. Instead, I refused and shirked my duty. I was truly lacking in conscience and reason and couldn’t tell good from bad! Realizing this, I was filled with feelings of guilt and indebtedness, and I wanted to take the opportunity to learn as much as I could from Yang Feng while he was still here. Not long after, Yang Feng and several brothers and sisters were arrested by the police, and all the work fell onto my shoulders. Although there was some pressure, I knew that I couldn’t run from this situation and that I had to take on my duty, so I collaborated with my brothers and sisters to do the duties.
One time, I scrapped an experiential testimony article based on my own notions and imaginings and the upper leaders sent a letter to follow up and look into the matter. I thought, “This is no small matter. This may not just be a matter of getting pruned, and in the worst-case scenario, I may even be dismissed.” I reflected on the reasons for this problem while waiting for the leaders to handle it. The leaders learned that this was our first time having such a problem, so they didn’t hold us accountable, but they encouraged us to reflect and summarize more. At that moment, I thought, “The responsibility of this duty is too great. Why don’t I just tell the leaders that I can’t do this duty and ask to take on a duty with less responsibility instead?” As I was thinking this, I realized these thoughts were wrong and I remembered these words of God: “Do you believe that God scrutinizes all? Everyone makes mistakes. If a person whose intention is correct lacks experience and has not handled some sort of matter before, but they have done their best, that is visible to God. You must believe that God scrutinizes all things and the heart of man. If one does not even believe this, are they not a disbeliever?” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Eight: They Would Have Others Submit Only to Them, Not the Truth or God (Part One)). God’s words made me understand that God doesn’t treat us solely based on the outcome of events, but also considers our intentions in our duties and the context in which problems arise. For example, some people may have just taken on a duty, and because they haven’t trained for long and have a limited understanding of principles, deviations may occur in their duties, and they should first be given fellowship and help. If, after a period of training, they still haven’t improved due to relatively poor caliber, then they should be reassigned to a more suitable duty. However, if their caliber is acceptable but they constantly rely on their own intentions and corrupt disposition in their duties, and they violate principles and cause disruptions and disturbances, then they need to be pruned. And if they still don’t repent, they are to be dismissed and eliminated. In God’s house, people are treated according to principles, regardless of what duty they do or whether they are supervisors. Just like the supervisor I saw when I was first doing text-based duties who was dismissed, he had been living in a wrong state for a long time, and doing his duty in an arrogant and self-righteous way and without seeking principles, and he had seriously disrupted the work. This had led to his dismissal. But God’s house didn’t expel him because of this, and when he began to reflect on and know himself and was willing to repent, God’s house gave him another chance, and he was still doing his duty to this day. On the other hand, some people run amok doing bad things in their duties, and they disrupt and disturb the work and refuse to repent. Such people, even if they shoulder little responsibility or aren’t supervisors or leaders and workers, will also be eliminated. Realizing this, I gained some understanding of God’s righteous disposition. In the past, I viewed God like a government official who would torment and suppress people if he saw them doing something wrong that affected his interests, and who didn’t consider the context of situations at all, much less treat people based on their essence. I thought that if someone only said the wrong thing or did something slightly against his wishes, then he could use his power to deal with that person. Judging God by such a viewpoint is a slander and blasphemy against Him! Realizing this, I let go of my guardedness toward and misunderstandings of God, and I found myself able to face my duties calmly. When handling work or checking articles, I would take things more seriously and do what I could, and if a problem really did arise that I had to take responsibility for, I would submit, face it, and experience it.
When I do my duties now, I still consider my future and fate sometimes, fearing that if I do poorly, it will cause disruption and disturbance and I might be revealed and eliminated, but I am able to pray to God, rebel against these thoughts, and do my duties normally. Sometimes, I may not see things clearly or do my duties conscientiously, leading to problems, but I don’t just live in guardedness and misunderstanding. Instead, I can treat things correctly, reflect on myself and find the reasons for these issues in a timely manner, and turn things around promptly when I discover problems. In practicing this way, I feel at peace and at ease in my heart. Thank God!