By Ada, Italy

In April 2023, I took up my duty as an actress again. I was mainly involved in shooting experiential testimony videos, and I was really happy and grateful for God’s grace. But I also had some worries in my heart, and I’d think, “I haven’t done my duty as an actress for over a year, and I’m not sure if I can do this duty well in my current condition.” I was really anxious and couldn’t sleep well for days. Unexpectedly, the state of the protagonist in the first experiential testimony article I was about to narrate was very similar to my own, and the excerpts of God’s words in it moved me deeply. Pondering on God’s words and comparing the protagonist’s mindset with mine really struck a chord with me. After the sister relied on God and learned lessons, she felt liberated, and I felt that I also found a way forward. Without even realizing it, I felt less distressed and worried and soon completed the shoot. I was very grateful for God’s guidance, gradually gained confidence, and I wasn’t as nervous during the subsequent shoots. Right after, I shot two more videos, and I realized that as long as I had the right intentions and dedicated myself to my duty, God would provide enlightenment and guidance. But I couldn’t help thinking, “I’ve already shot three experiential testimony videos so quickly, so it seems like I’m pretty capable.”

Some of the brothers and sisters noticed that I’d been in some films, stage plays, solo performances, and choral performances before, and they considered me a veteran actress, so they started asking me questions about acting, which made me feel pretty pleased with myself. I knew that I had many shortcomings, but others didn’t know that even a “veteran actress” like me lived in difficulties sometimes. For instance, I was nervous and anxious when narrating my first experiential testimony article. But I thought that since we were meeting for the first time, I shouldn’t ruin everyone’s good impression of me. So I decided not to mention my shortcomings. I started talking animatedly and endlessly, gesturing as I spoke. When I started talking about the filming of the large-scale choral piece Kingdom Anthem: The Kingdom Descends Upon the World in particular, I proudly said, “The actors for the choir were all carefully selected, and they underwent rigorous training through months of scorching heat and bitter cold.” The brothers and sisters were all full of admiration after hearing this. I also boasted, “Among the 300-plus actors, I was the oldest!” I found myself relishing and enjoying the looks of admiration from the brothers and sisters. Once, an actor was having difficulties during a shoot and asked me to help direct their performance. I thought to myself, “I’ll put on a bit of a show for them. After all, I can’t have them looking down on me.” I then came up with a scene, and the emotions all started flowing out of me. They all looked at me admiringly and said, “You really know how to act! Amazing!” Though I said it was God’s guidance, inwardly, I couldn’t help but feel proud of myself, thinking I was better and more experienced than others. On another occasion, the director was coaching Sister Teri on how to narrate an experiential testimony article and asked me to assist. I thought to myself, “I need to spot some issues so they’ll see I have something to offer.” As soon as the sister finished speaking, without even waiting for the director to say anything, I just jumped in to give my critique. Seeing the sister nodding in agreement, I felt capable of identifying problems. But the truth was, I wanted to tell the sister that I’d also had many shortcomings before, and it was the director who repeatedly helped me analyze and understand the character’s emotions and states bit by bit so that I could finally express these things accurately. But then I thought, “They already think highly of me, so if I say that, and they find out I’ve got so many shortcomings, what would they think of me? Forget it. Better not to say anything.” There was also a sister whose Mandarin wasn’t standard, and I made it a point to correct her. I thought to myself, “If she can improve quickly, won’t that show I’m a good coach?” So I corrected her constantly, without any regard for the occasion, causing the sister to feel constrained and afraid to speak in front of me. Sometimes, I became aware of myself, and I’d think, “Am I showing off here? Is this a bit inappropriate?” But then I’d think, “What I’m saying is true, so it should be fine, right?” And so, I just muddled through. But while I was constantly peacocking and showing off, God arranged circumstances to reveal me.

One time, I received an experiential testimony article that was quite lengthy, and it had a lot of dialogue. But due to the accelerated shooting schedule, I only had a short amount of time to prepare. I thought to myself, “I’m pretty good at delivering dialogue, so as long as I narrate the plot vividly, it’ll shine and my performance will catch people’s attention. Besides, the last few videos I shot went quite smoothly, so not having much preparation time shouldn’t be an issue.” So I memorized my lines and practiced the delivery a bit, then I rehearsed with the brothers and sisters for just one day and then got ready to shoot. In truth, I wasn’t fully prepared, and I wanted to suggest to the director to postpone the shoot for a couple more days, but I was worried that people might say, “She’s still taking so long to prepare, even after being an actress for such a long time?” And I was afraid others would look down on me, so I hurried onto the set. After the shoot, there were a lot of areas that needed revisions. After watching the video, I was shocked. I’d vividly conveyed the protagonist’s corrupt state and behavior when they revealed corruptions, making the protagonist seem like a negative character. I was dumbfounded and my heart grew heavy. I wondered, “How could such a serious issue arise? If it can’t be fixed, we’ll need to reshoot, and this’ll delay the filming schedule. Won’t I have caused disruption and disturbance?” I became scared and immediately prayed to God, “God, I’ve made a huge mistake. Please chasten me. I’m willing to repent and do my best to make amends.” I then worked with everyone to review and revise the video five times before the problem was finally corrected. Afterward, I reflected, asking myself, “Why did such a serious problem occur with me? What exactly caused this?” I also prayed, asking God to enlighten and guide me to know myself.

During my devotionals, I read a passage of God’s words: “Exalting and testifying about themselves, flaunting themselves, trying to make people think highly of them and worship them—corrupt mankind is capable of these things. This is how people instinctively react when they are governed by their satanic natures, and it is common to all of corrupt mankind. How do people usually exalt and testify about themselves? How do they achieve the aim of making people think highly of them and worship them? They testify to how much work they have done, how much they have suffered, how much they have expended themselves, and what price they have paid. They exalt themselves by talking about their capital, which gives them a higher, firmer, more secure place in people’s minds, so that more people appreciate, think highly of, admire, and even worship, look up to, and follow them. To achieve this aim, people do many things that testify to God on the surface, but essentially exalt and testify about themselves. Is acting that way reasonable? They are beyond the purview of rationality and have no shame, that is, they unabashedly testify to what they have done for God and how much they have suffered for Him. They even flaunt their gifts, talents, experience, special skills, their clever techniques for worldly dealings, the means they use to toy with people, and so on. Their method of exalting and testifying about themselves is to flaunt themselves and belittle others. They also camouflage and package themselves, hiding their weaknesses, shortcomings, and deficiencies from people so that they only ever see their brilliance. They do not even dare to tell other people when they feel negative; they lack the courage to open up and fellowship with them, and when they do something wrong, they do their utmost to conceal it and cover it up. Never do they mention the harm they have caused to the work of the church in the course of doing their duty. When they have made some minor contribution or achieved some small success, however, they are quick to show it off. They cannot wait to let the whole world know how capable they are, how high their caliber is, how exceptional they are, and how much better they are than normal people. Is this not a way of exalting and testifying about themselves? Is exalting and testifying about oneself something someone with conscience and reason does? It is not. So when people do this, what disposition is usually revealed? Arrogance. This is one of the chief dispositions revealed, followed by deceitfulness, which involves doing everything possible to make other people hold them in high esteem. Their words are completely watertight and clearly contain motivations and schemes, they are showing themselves off, yet they want to hide this fact. The outcome of what they say is that people are made to feel that they are better than others, that no one is their equal, that everyone else is inferior to them” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Four: They Exalt and Testify About Themselves). God exposes that the intention and purpose behind people exalting and showcasing themselves is to be admired and worshiped by others, and to gain a place in people’s hearts. My recent behavior aligned exactly with what God described. I didn’t exalt and testify to God in my duty, but instead constantly showed off to gain others’ admiration. When I fellowshipped with everyone, I often held myself as a “veteran actress,” elevating myself, boasting about how in previous shoots, I’d found ways to overcome difficulties and endured hardships during practice, how many works I had filmed, and how effective they were, and so on. When I spoke about filming the large-scale choir production Kingdom Anthem: The Kingdom Descends Upon the World in particular, I placed great emphasis on the fact that I was the oldest, as I aimed to establish myself, be admired, and gain a place in people’s hearts. When I saw other actors struggling during filming, I didn’t help analyze the characters’ state so as to guide the actors to express genuine emotions, but instead, I just showed off that my acting skills were better than theirs. When interacting with others, I always talked about my positive entry, fearing that if I spoke too much about the corruption I revealed, others would look down on me. So I just skimmed over my negativity and corruption in just a few words. In reality, I’d only begun training in my duty as an actress after I left China. When I started filming, I faced many difficulties and didn’t know how to resolve them. I often couldn’t grasp the character’s emotions, and I’d either act exaggeratedly, inadequately, or fail to express the emotions. My heart was in so much pain, and I cried countless times. Just like this time filming an experiential testimony video. I hadn’t filmed for a long time, and when I received the first experiential testimony article, I was so nervous that I couldn’t sleep for several nights, and lived in a state of anxiety and distress. It was only by praying and reading God’s words that I gradually resolved this. But I deliberately concealed and refrained from mentioning this out of fear that I’d lose my good image in others’ hearts. Instead, I only showed off my good side, making the brothers and sisters admire me. I wasn’t testifying to God by doing this, but glorifying myself and placing a halo over my own head. With despicable intentions within me, I showed off and elevated myself, wanting a place in people’s hearts. I was truly shameless!

I then read more of God’s words: “Some people particularly idolize Paul. They like to go out and give speeches and do work, they like to attend gatherings and preach, and they like to have people listen to them, worship them, and revolve around them. They like to hold a place in the hearts of others, and they appreciate it when others value the image they present. Let us dissect their nature from these behaviors. What is their nature? If they really behave like this, then it is sufficient in showing that they are arrogant and conceited. They do not worship God at all; they seek higher status and wish to have authority over others, to possess them, and to hold a position in their hearts. This is the classic image of Satan. The aspects of their nature that stand out are arrogance and conceit, an unwillingness to worship God, and a desire to be worshiped by others. Such behaviors can give you a very clear view into their nature” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. How to Know Man’s Nature). Through the exposure of God’s words, I came to understand that my constant showing off and exalting myself were driven by an arrogant nature, which sought to usurp God’s position in people’s hearts. Doing so meant I was walking the path of Paul resisting God. I reflected on how I’d been doing my duty as an actress since leaving China. After shooting some videos and gaining some results in my duty, I took these things as my capital, and I often showed off before others, shamelessly showcasing myself. I realized that I was already walking Paul’s path. In the past, I’d thought it was normal for someone to show off their achievements and be praised by others. But in light of God’s words, I came to see that this showed an arrogant nature and a desire to occupy a place in people’s hearts and be admired and looked up to. Paul was especially arrogant in his disposition, and even though God gave him gifts, he never exalted or bore witness to the Lord Jesus in his work, and instead, he just constantly exalted himself and showed off, aiming to win people over to get them to admire and worship him. In the end, he arrogantly sought to become christ and to take God’s place in people’s hearts, walked the path of an antichrist in resistance to God, and suffered God’s punishment. In reality, doing one’s duty in God’s house is inseparable from God’s guidance. Our doing duties is merely fulfilling our responsibilities and obligations, and we should testify to and glorify God without harboring any personal intentions or desires. Yet, driven by my arrogant nature, I became ignorant of my place, thinking that since I’d filmed a few videos and gained some experience, I could use these things as capital to show off and flaunt myself, and steal God’s glory. In this, I was walking the path of resisting God. In what way did I have a God-fearing heart?

Later, I read that God’s words say: “Because you don’t understand God’s work, you will have notions about Him, and you will not have a God-fearing heart. Your tone of voice will change, your disposition will become arrogant, and in the end, you will gradually come to exalt and bear testimony for yourself. This is the process of man’s decline, and it is completely brought about by them not pursuing the truth. Everyone who walks the path of antichrists exalts and bears testimony for themselves, promotes themselves and shows themselves off at every turn, and doesn’t care about God at all. Have you experienced these things that I’m talking about? Many people persistently testify for themselves, talking about how they suffer this and that, how they work, how God values them, and entrusts to them some such work, and what they are like, deliberately using particular tones while speaking, and affecting certain manners, until eventually some people will probably begin to think that they are God. The Holy Spirit has long since abandoned those who reach this degree, and while they have not yet been cleared out or expelled, and are left instead to render service, their fate is already sealed and they are just awaiting their punishment” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. People Make Too Many Demands of God). Reading God’s words made me realize that when people lack a place for God in their hearts and constantly show off and exalt themselves, they are on a downward path, that this is detested by God, and that this can only lead to eventual punishment. Reflecting on my behavior, I was filled with fear. This great mistake I made while filming this experiential testimony video stemmed from my improper intentions in my duty during this period. My arrogance and conceit made me eager to show off, and I was always thinking about how to stand out to make people admire me, causing me to set aside principles. My heart no longer held a place for God. I was constantly showing off to gain others’ admiration, seemingly satisfying my vanity, but in reality, my heart was growing ever more distant from God, and I no longer felt His guidance. My performance of my duties was riddled with mistakes, causing delays in the work. If I carried on like this, I would undoubtedly be detested and eliminated by God. Through this mistake, I was revealed and stopped from continuing down this downward path in good time. This was God’s love and His way of saving me. I resolved never to show off again.

During my devotionals, I read a passage of God’s words: “God becomes flesh as an ordinary person, which means God humbles Himself from a lofty image, identity, and position above all things to become a completely ordinary person. When He becomes an ordinary person, He does not choose to be born into a distinguished, wealthy family; the background of His birth is very common, even shabby. If we look at this matter from the perspective of an ordinary person, someone with conscience, rationality, and humanity, all that God does is worthy of people’s veneration and love. How should people treat it? (With veneration.) An ordinary and normal person who follows God should praise God’s loveliness for the fact that God humbles Himself from a lofty status into an extraordinarily ordinary person—God’s humility and hiddenness is too lovely! This is something that neither any corrupt person nor devils and Satan can achieve. … God Himself becomes flesh and endures humanity’s misunderstandings, as well as their ridicule, slander, and blasphemy. He humbles Himself and becomes an ordinary person, not lofty in appearance, with no special talents and certainly no profound knowledge or scholarship—for what purpose? It is to approach the people He has chosen and intends to save with this identity and a human appearance that will be most easily accessible to them. Doesn’t all this that God does constitute the price that He paid? (Yes.) Can anyone else do this? No one can” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Seven: They Are Wicked, Insidious, and Deceitful (Part Three)). God’s words left me utterly ashamed. God is the Creator, He has authority and power, and He is sovereign over all things, yet He personally became flesh to save corrupt humanity, humbling Himself as an ordinary person, living among humanity, and silently enduring the rebellion and defiance of corrupt mankind. God never flaunts or boasts about how much of a price He has paid for humanity, but instead, humbly remains hidden among people, expressing truths to save mankind. This is something no corrupt human could ever achieve. I saw God’s holy, beautiful and good essence, and His disposition has no trace of arrogance. I had been deeply corrupted by Satan, and when my duties achieved some results, I lost sight of my own insignificance, becoming arrogant and conceited and showing off. In reality, my caliber was mediocre, I was old, my life entry was poor, and I had no gifts or skills, so I never dreamed that I could ever become an actress. God had elevated me, giving me opportunities to train as an actress within the church, and film videos that testified to God, and this had allowed someone as incapable as me to be of some use. Yet I’d failed to repay God’s love and bear witness to Him, and instead, I saw myself as special and having capital. After making a few videos, even the way I walked and talked changed. I thought I was remarkable, and I seized on every opportunity I could to show off and exalt myself to gain others’ admiration. I was truly base, despicable, and utterly lacking in humanity. I’d been completely shameless! I prayed to God, “Oh God, I constantly show off and exalt myself, and I’ve been truly lacking in reason. I now see how poor and pitiful I truly am, and I now realize that without You, I can do nothing. God, please guide me to cast off my corrupt disposition.”

Later, I read two passages of God’s words: “When bearing testimony for God, you should mainly talk about how God judges and chastises people, and what trials He uses to refine people and change their dispositions. You should also talk about how much corruption has been revealed in your experience, how much you have suffered, how many things you did to resist God, and how you were eventually conquered by God. Talk about how much real knowledge of God’s work you have, and how you should bear witness for God and repay Him for His love. You should put substance into this kind of language, while putting it in a simple manner. Do not talk about empty theories. Speak more down-to-earth; speak from the heart. This is how you should experience things. Do not equip yourselves with profound-seeming, empty theories in an effort to show off; doing so makes you appear quite arrogant and senseless. You should speak more about real things from your actual experience, and speak more from the heart; this is most beneficial to others, and most appropriate for them to see” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Pursuing the Truth Can One Achieve a Change in Disposition). “So, what way of acting is not exalting and testifying about oneself? If you show off and testify about yourself regarding a certain matter, you will achieve the result of making some people think highly of you and worship you. But if you lay yourself bare and share your self-knowledge regarding that same matter, the nature of this is different. Is this not true? Laying oneself bare to talk about one’s self-knowledge is something that ordinary humanity ought to possess. It is a positive thing. If you really know yourself and speak about your state accurately, genuinely, and precisely; if you speak about knowledge that is completely based on God’s words; if those who listen to you are edified and benefit from it; and if you testify to God’s work and glorify Him, that is testifying about God” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Four: They Exalt and Testify About Themselves). After reading God’s words, I understood that testifying to God primarily involves testifying about His work and the effects of His judgment and chastisement on people. It also requires exposing the corruption revealed in the course of one’s duty, what improper intentions one has and how one rebels against God, and also how one reflects on oneself through the judgment and chastisement of God’s words and how one eventually repents and transforms, allowing people to understand God’s disposition and be able to submit to Him. When I fellowshipped with others, I should share the negativity and weakness I had revealed during filming so that everyone could see I could accomplish nothing without God’s guidance, and that all glory should be given to God. This is true testimony to God. So, I mustered up the courage to lay bare myself, and I opened up to everyone about another side of myself as a “veteran actress,” saying, “In reality, my caliber is quite poor, and I have experienced failures and setbacks in numerous shoots I have participated in, and I only found feeling through prayer and reliance on God. It also took the director’s extensive guidance and lengthy rehearsals to achieve these performances. I caused reshoots due to exaggerated and over-the-top acting, and among other things, I sometimes failed to deliver an accurate portrayal due to my poor state.” After I opened up about these things, I felt grounded and at ease, I no longer thought highly of myself, and my relationships with my brothers and sisters grew closer. Especially during this shoot, when I made such a significant mistake, it was the patient help of my brothers and sisters in revising it bit by bit that made it possible to complete this video. I realized that each video was a result of harmonious cooperation among brothers and sisters under God’s guidance, and that what I contributed was only a tiny part. I felt utterly insignificant. Afterward, before filming another experiential testimony video, I prayed to God, asking for His guidance. I also opened up about my corruption to Lin Jie, my partnered sister, asking her to supervise me and remind me if I ever spoke boastfully or showed off again. Together with the director, I also summarized my issues, listing my common problems one by one for repeated practice and correction. Doing my duty this way, I felt much more at ease.

Later, I participated in an important scene in a movie. This role was very different from the ones I had played before. I thought that if I could play this role well, I’d make a breakthrough in my acting, and the brothers and sisters would surely admire me. When this thought emerged, I realized I was seeking to show off again. I immediately prayed, asking God to guide me to rebel against my improper intentions, and my heart gradually calmed down. When I reflected on the script again, I realized I lacked experience in this area and couldn’t grasp the role well, so I sent a message, asking my brothers and sisters for help, “I’m struggling and need help. I’m far from embodying this role and can’t find the right state. Please help me.” The moment I sent the message, I felt so relieved. Later on, my brothers and sisters patiently guided and helped me, giving me some paths and directions forward.

Now I have some understanding of my corrupt disposition of showing off. I’ve come to realize that the opportunity God has given me to do my duty isn’t for me to show off, but to get me to know and resolve my corrupt disposition, and to diligently pursue the truth and life entry in the course of my duty. These gains and understandings were all results of the guidance of God’s words. Thank God!