By He Mu, China

I accepted Almighty God’s work of the last days in my forties. I saw that God’s work in the last days is the work of saving people, and that only by coming before God, reading His words, and doing one’s duties can one understand and gain the truth, have God’s care and protection, and ultimately have the chance to enter God’s kingdom. Soon after, I began doing my duties. No matter what duty the church arranged for me, I never refused. I only thought about how to do my duty well. Later, my blood pressure reached 220 mmHg, so I received intravenous treatment to lower it, and I didn’t let it stop me from doing my duties. I thought, “As long as I sincerely do my duty, God will protect me.” For years, I continued to do my duties come rain or shine, thinking that I was a true believer that met with God’s approval. But a sudden illness revealed my true self.

It was in the autumn of 2009. One day, I felt a sudden swelling and pain in both legs, and they started to swell up. Soon after, my face and eyes also became swollen, my whole face became deformed, and I couldn’t open my eyes. My daughter took me to the hospital for a check-up. The doctor said I had kidney atrophy in both kidneys, which could develop into uremia, and if it became severe, it could lead to death. I was shocked to hear this. If things continued this way, death wouldn’t be far off. I had started doing my duties only a few months after finding God, and come rain or shine, or even illness, I never stopped doing my duty. Over the years, not only did I suffer and exhaust myself in my duties, but I also endured misunderstandings, mockery, and insults from my relatives. Wasn’t this kind of effort enough? Was this still not enough to gain God’s protection? I thought back to when I first found God and had such high hopes for the kingdom life, but faced with such a serious illness that could endanger my life at any moment, I wondered whether I would still have the chance to enter the kingdom. It seemed that the beautiful destination had nothing to do with me anymore. The more I thought about it, the more wronged I felt, and I lost the motivation to do my duty. I sank into negativity. I prayed to God, “Oh God, I don’t understand why I’m facing this illness, and I have complaints against You in my heart. I know this is wrong, so please enlighten and guide me to understand Your intention.”

Later, I read a passage of God’s words: “People believe, ‘Since I now believe in God, then I belong to Him, and God should take care of me, take care of my food and accommodation, take care of my future and my fate, as well as my personal safety, including my family’s safety, and guarantee that everything will go well for me, that everything will go peacefully and without incident.’ And if the facts aren’t as people require and imagine, they think, ‘Believing in God isn’t as good or as easy as I imagined it was going to be. Turns out that I still have to suffer all this persecution and tribulation and go through many trials in my belief in God—why doesn’t God protect me?’ Is this thinking right or wrong? Does it accord with the truth? (No.) So then, doesn’t this thinking show that they’re making unreasonable demands of God? Why don’t people who have such thinking pray to God or seek the truth? God’s goodwill is naturally behind Him causing people to encounter such things; why don’t people understand God’s intentions? Why can’t they cooperate with God’s work? God intentionally causes people to encounter such things so that they may seek the truth and gain the truth, and so that they will live in reliance on the truth. However, people don’t seek the truth, instead always taking God’s measure using their own notions and imaginings—this is their problem. This is how you must understand these unpleasant things: No one goes their whole life without suffering. For some people, it has to do with family, for some, with work, for some, with marriage, and for some, with physical illness. Everyone must suffer. Some say, ‘Why must people suffer? How great it would be to live our whole lives peacefully and happily. Can’t we not suffer?’ No—everyone must suffer. Suffering causes every person to experience the myriad sensations of physical life, whether these sensations be positive, negative, active or passive; suffering gives you different feelings and appreciations, which, for you, are all your experiences in life. That is one aspect, and it is in order to make people more experienced. If you can seek the truth and understand God’s intention from this, then you will draw ever closer to the standard God requires of you. Another aspect is that it is the responsibility that God gives to man. What responsibility? This is the suffering you should undergo. If you can take on this suffering and bear it, then this is testimony, and not something shameful” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only by Resolving One’s Notions Can One Embark on the Right Track of Belief in God (1)). After reading God’s words, I understood that every situation and instance of suffering we face carries God’s intentions. They are all within the capacity of what a person’s stature can bear. We should seek the truth and God’s intentions, and not hold on to our notions or view things from our perspective. If we look at things from the perspective of the flesh, we will live in suffering, and think that illness isn’t a good thing. But if we accept such things from God and seek the truth, we can learn lessons through illness, and then it becomes a good thing. Reflecting on my reaction to this illness, I thought that in all these years of believing in God and doing my duties, whether facing slander and mockery from relatives and neighbors, or enduring wind, rain, bitter cold, or scorching heat, I had never stopped doing my duties. So I thought God should protect me from serious illness, and that in the end, I would live to enter God’s kingdom. Wasn’t this exactly the state God exposes in His words: “Since I now believe in God, then I belong to Him, and God should take care of me, take care of my food and accommodation, take care of my future and my fate, as well as my personal safety”? When I saw that God didn’t protect me as I had imagined, I began to complain about God, using my sacrifices and expenditure as capital to reason with God, and I started to do my duties in a perfunctory manner. Where was my humanity and reason? My previous sacrifices and expenditures hadn’t even been sincere! If it hadn’t been for this situation revealing me, I wouldn’t have realized my ulterior motive and mistaken perspectives of believing in God for blessings. Once I realized this, I didn’t feel as much pain in my heart, and I became willing to submit, continuing to do my duties while taking my medication. Gradually, my state improved, and my illness lessened somewhat. Although my legs would still swell occasionally, I wasn’t constrained by this, and I continued actively preaching the gospel.

In the winter of 2018, I suddenly noticed a bump on my foot, and my foot hurt so much that I couldn’t put my weight on it, and I needed my daughter to help me walk. After going to the hospital, the doctor diagnosed it as gout, and he found my creatinine levels had risen from over 200 µmol/L to over 500 µmol/L, and that I was already in the later stages of uremia. The doctor, fearing I couldn’t handle the truth, concealed the full severity of my condition. Initially, I wasn’t too concerned about my illness, but on the fourth day, when my daughter suddenly asked about making funeral arrangements, I knew my condition had worsened. My heart trembled, and I thought, “Could it be that I really don’t have much time left, and that I’m about to die?” I didn’t dare think about it, so I prayed to God, “Oh God, my life and death are in Your hands. I am willing to submit to Your orchestrations and arrangements.” A few days later, I found out my illness was indeed in the later stages, and at that moment, I couldn’t stop my hands from trembling and couldn’t even hold a cup. I couldn’t accept this reality, wondering if the doctor had somehow made a mistake. I wondered, “How could my illness have worsened so quickly? I am a believer in God, so surely God won’t let me die so easily.” But then I thought, “I’ve been diagnosed with late-stage uremia. What use is there not believing this? This is reality.” I felt like my life was nearing its end, and I was filled with pain and despair. When I thought about how I didn’t have much time left and how I wouldn’t be able to see the beauty of the kingdom, I felt unwilling to accept my lot, thinking, “What have I gained from all my years of effort? I’ve been doing my duties all this time, so why has my illness continued to worsen?” I felt that God was being really unfair to me. At night, while lying in bed, I thought about a woman who had done business with us. She had had the same illness as me, and after being diagnosed, she went home and died within ten days. I felt that my death was also near, and that my countdown had begun. I felt as if I were already as good as dead, so what was the point in reading God’s words? I became negative for over twenty days, living in great pain. I knew I had drifted from God, so I cried out to Him, asking Him to enlighten and illuminate me. Then I remembered a hymn of God’s words:

Trials Call for Faith

1  While undergoing trials, it is normal for people to be weak, or to have negativity within them, or to lack clarity on God’s intentions or their path for practice. But in any case, you must have faith in God’s work, and not deny God, just like Job. Although Job was weak and cursed the day of his own birth, he did not deny that all things in human life were bestowed by Jehovah, and that Jehovah is also the One to take them all away. No matter what trials he was put through, he maintained this belief.

2  In your experience, no matter what refinement you undergo through God’s words, what God requires of mankind, in brief, is their faith and their God-loving heart. What He perfects by working in this way is people’s faith, love, and resolve. …

—The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Those Who Are to Be Made Perfect Must Undergo Refinement

Pondering on God’s words, my heart became enlightened. It turns out that God arranges people, events, and things to perfect our faith. I thought of Job enduring such great trials—his wealth was plundered, his children died, and he was covered with sore boils, yet he never complained and still had faith in God, standing firm in his testimony for Him. What God does doesn’t align with human notions, and when people can’t see it clearly or understand God’s intentions, they need faith to experience it. Realizing this, my heart became much clearer.

Afterward, I reflected further. When I learned I was in the later stages of uremia, I lived in fear and terror, and the truth was, I was afraid of death. So I read a passage of God’s words regarding my state. Almighty God says: “Why are they unable to escape the suffering of the fear of death? When facing death, some people urinate uncontrollably; others shiver, faint, lash out against Heaven and man alike; some even wail and weep. These are by no means natural reactions that occur suddenly when death draws near. People behave in these embarrassing ways mainly because, deep in their hearts, they fear death, because they do not have a clear knowledge and appreciation of God’s sovereignty and His arrangements, much less truly submit to them. People react in this way because they want nothing but to arrange and govern everything themselves, to control their own fates, their own lives and deaths. It is no wonder, therefore, that people are never able to escape the fear of death” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God Himself, the Unique III). After reading God’s words, I understood that when faced with death, people become fearful and terrified because they don’t understand the Creator’s sovereignty and arrangements. Human life and death are in God’s control, and not things people can decide for themselves. No one can control their fate. I thought about how God said that Job, after fulfilling his life’s mission, faced death calmly, and I was deeply moved by this. Job feared God and shunned evil all his life, never trying to bargain with or make demands of God. He thanked God when God gave unto him, and submitted when God took things away. No matter how God treated him, he was able to submit, and he was able to face death calmly. But as for me, when I learned that I was in the later stages of uremia and wouldn’t live much longer, I complained to God. I had no submission to God and I didn’t have a God-fearing heart. I couldn’t continue living this way. I became willing to follow Job’s example, place my life in God’s hands, and put myself at the mercy of His sovereignty and arrangements. As long as I was alive, I would do my duty to the best of my ability, and when death came to me, I would face it calmly, and submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements. After coming to this realization, I felt greatly relieved.

Later, I reflected, “Why, when I was confronted with illness, did I complain about God for treating me unfairly?” I read more of God’s words: “People are not qualified to make demands of God. There is nothing more unreasonable than making demands of God. He will do what He ought to do, and His disposition is righteous. Righteousness is by no means fairness or reasonableness; it is not egalitarianism, or a matter of allocating to you what you deserve in accordance with how much work you have completed, or paying you for whatever work you have done, or giving you your due according to what effort you expend. This is not righteousness, it is merely being fair and reasonable. Very few people are capable of knowing God’s righteous disposition. Suppose God had eliminated Job after Job bore witness for Him: Would this be righteous? In fact, it would be. Why is this called righteousness? How do people view righteousness? If something is in line with people’s notions, it is then very easy for them to say that God is righteous; however, if they do not see that thing as being in line with their notions—if it is something that they are incapable of comprehending—then it would be difficult for them to say that God is righteous. … God’s essence is righteousness. Though it is not easy to comprehend what He does, all that He does is righteous; it is simply that people do not understand. When God gave Peter to Satan, how did Peter respond? ‘Mankind is unable to fathom what You do, but all of what You do contains Your good will; there is righteousness in all of it. How can I not utter praise for Your wisdom and deeds?’ You should now see that the reason God does not destroy Satan in the time of His salvation of man is that humans may see clearly how Satan has corrupted them and the extent to which it has corrupted them, and how God purifies and saves them. Ultimately, when people have understood the truth and clearly seen Satan’s odious countenance, and beheld the monstrous sin of Satan’s corruption of them, God will destroy Satan, showing them His righteousness. The timing when God destroys Satan is filled with God’s disposition and wisdom. Everything that God does is righteous. Though humans may not be able to perceive God’s righteousness, they should not make judgments at will. If something He does appears to humans as unreasonable, or if they have any notions about it, and that leads them to say that He is not righteous, then they are being most unreasonable. You see that Peter found some things to be incomprehensible, but he was sure that God’s wisdom was present and that His good will was in those things. Humans cannot fathom everything; there are so many things that they cannot grasp. Thus, to know God’s disposition is not an easy thing” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). After reading God’s words, I understood that God’s righteous disposition isn’t about fairness, reasonableness, or rewarding effort as I’d imagined. It’s not that however much I appear to give, God must give me back in return. God’s righteous disposition is determined by His essence. Whatever God does is righteous and has His good intentions behind it. But I thought that with effort there must be a reward, and that the more I gave in my duty, the more God should reward me. So when I made some sacrifices and expended myself in my belief in God, I thought I should receive God’s protection and blessings and be brought into His kingdom, otherwise, I would consider God to be unrighteous. My understanding of God’s righteousness was absurd! God is the Creator, and I am merely a created being. No matter how God arranges things or treats me, it is fitting and righteous. If God blesses me, He is righteous, and if He doesn’t, He is still righteous. If I measure God by my notions, I am resisting Him. I remembered that God once said: “Those who are impure are not permitted to enter into the kingdom, those who are impure are not permitted to besmirch the holy ground. Though you may have done much work, and worked for many years, in the end if you are still deplorably filthy, then it will be intolerable to the law of Heaven that you wish to enter My kingdom!” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Success or Failure Depends on the Path That Man Walks). “I decide the destination of each person not on the basis of age, seniority, amount of suffering, and least of all, the degree to which they invite pity, but according to whether they possess the truth. There is no other choice but this” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Prepare Sufficient Good Deeds for Your Destination). God determines a person’s destination based on whether they possess the truth, not on their apparent sacrifices and expenditures. Only by gaining the truth can a person have a good outcome. If someone doesn’t gain the truth but is still full of Satan’s corrupt disposition, and uses their sacrifices and expenditures to try and strike deals with God and deceive Him, such a person is hated by God and is unworthy of entering the kingdom. This is God’s righteousness. I believed in God with a transactional and exchange-oriented mindset, wanting to use my apparent suffering and expenditures to gain God’s blessings. I was deceiving and exploiting God. How could I receive God’s approval or enter the kingdom like that? I thought of Paul’s sacrifices and expenditures. He preached the gospel of the Lord Jesus everywhere, even across much of Europe, and established many churches. In the end, he said, “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith: From now on there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness” (2 Timothy 4:7–8). Paul used his sacrifices and expenditures as capital to demand a crown of righteousness from God, and in the end, he was cast into hell to be punished. My perspective on faith in God was the same as Paul’s. When my desire for blessings was shattered, I complained about God. If I didn’t repent, wouldn’t I end up with the same fate as Paul?

Later, when fellowshipping with brothers and sisters, a sister found a passage of God’s word for me: “All corrupt humans live for themselves. Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost—this is the summation of human nature. People believe in God for their own sake; when they forsake things and expend themselves for God, it is in order to be blessed, and when they are loyal to Him, it is still in order to be rewarded. In sum, it is all done for the purpose of being blessed, rewarded, and entering the kingdom of heaven. In society, people work for their own benefit, and in the house of God, they do a duty in order to be blessed. It is for the sake of gaining blessings that people forsake everything and can endure much suffering. There is no better evidence of man’s satanic nature” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). After reading God’s word, I understood that after years of believing in God and forsaking things and expending myself, it had all just been to gain blessings. I wanted God to protect me, to keep me safe, free from sickness or disaster. This was an attempt to strike a deal with God. I was living by the satanic poisons of “Never lift a finger without a reward,” and “Every man for himself and the devil take the hindmost,” with “profit” being at the forefront of everything I did. No matter how hard or tiring, as long as it brought benefits, I thought it was worth it. When I heard that doing one’s duty in believing in God could bring God’s protection and a good destination, I forsook things and expended myself, and no matter how much suffering or what it cost, I thought it was worth it. But when I found out I had uremia and was even at risk of losing my life, I thought that if I died, I wouldn’t enter the kingdom and receive blessings, so I didn’t want to read God’s word or pray anymore, even complaining about Him, arguing with and railing against Him, and judging Him as unrighteous. I used my sacrifices and expenditures to make requests of God, and to demand repayment for my deeds. Where was my humanity and reason? I had been so selfish and deceitful! How could such sacrifices ever gain God’s approval? God’s work is to save people, and to allow people to achieve a change in their disposition and receive God’s salvation through pursuing the truth in doing their duties. But I believed in God and did my duties only to receive blessings. I saw that living by satanic poisons made me truly selfish and despicable. I couldn’t live like this anymore and I wanted to repent to God. Later, I did hosting duty, and I felt happy and joyful inside. I realized that only by treating my duties as my responsibility can I live a meaningful life.