By Lu Xin, China

My neighbor Xiaoyue and I are colleagues and also good friends. In 2013, we both accepted God’s work in the last days at the same time, and I was very happy. After finding God, we attended gatherings together. Over time, I noticed that Xiaoyue had the ability to comprehend God’s words and her fellowship of the truth was illuminating, and every time Xiaoyue fellowshipped her comprehension of God’s words, the leaders would nod in approval, and I began to feel upset. It seemed that the leaders really admired Xiaoyue, and I thought I needed to put in more effort and not be outdone by Xiaoyue. So before each gathering, I’d ponder on God’s words at home, but during gatherings, my fellowship still lacked the illumination that Xiaoyue’s had. I began to feel a sense of crisis. Later, we both took on the duties of group leaders, and I noticed that Xiaoyue was responsible for more groups than I was. During gatherings, the leaders often had Xiaoyue fellowship first, and I’d think to myself, “The leaders seem to really value her, they always put Xiaoyue first. We both accepted God’s work of the last days at the same time, so why is she responsible for more groups than I am? Is she really better than me? Is her faith really stronger than mine?” I felt very resentful, I was fraught with anxiety, and I had a strange feeling of loss. In the past, I would discuss anything I didn’t understand with Xiaoyue, but now I didn’t go to her anymore. I thought that constantly asking her questions made me look inferior to her. Sometimes when I saw Xiaoyue, I would avoid her, and we weren’t as close as we used to be. Later, the church held an election for leaders, and both Xiaoyue and I were candidates. I thought that Xiaoyue was quite suited to being a leader in terms of caliber and pursuit of truth. But then I thought, “We both started believing in God and doing our duties together. If she becomes a leader while I’m still just a group leader, how will others see me? Won’t they think I’m inferior to her?” I started thinking about how I could prevent her from being elected as a leader. I couldn’t control whether others voted for her, but I could at least choose not to vote for her. So I voted for someone else. But in the end, Xiaoyue was still elected as the leader. I felt a bit resentful, and that night, I tossed and turned in bed, unable to sleep. I thought, “Xiaoyue and I believed in God for the same amount of time, but now she’s a leader while I’m just a group leader. Doesn’t this make me look inferior to her?” I felt really upset.

Once, I was chatting with the leader at her home about the election. The leader noticed my jealousy and asked me, “How did you feel when you saw Xiaoyue being elected as leader? Were you jealous of her?” Hearing this, my face felt hot, and I awkwardly shook my head and said, “We’re such good friends; how could I be jealous of her?” On my way home, I kept thinking about what the leader had said. Since the leader said I was jealous of Xiaoyue, I knew this was a problem I must have. When I was almost home, I saw my neighbor’s dogs being fed. While two dogs ate, another dog named Erxiong was standing by, just watching. I asked my neighbor, “Why aren’t you feeding Erxiong?” The neighbor said, “This dog is obedient; even if you don’t give it food, it just waits, it doesn’t fight or grab.” Hearing my neighbor’s words, I thought of what the leader pointed out to me, and I felt a great sense of distress in my heart. I thought, “Even a dog doesn’t fight or compete, yet I am always competing with Xiaoyue. This makes me worse than a dog.” I went home and knelt before God in prayer, “Oh God, seeing Xiaoyue elected as a leader made me feel upset. The leader said I was jealous of her, but I couldn’t realize this. Please enlighten me so I can recognize my problems.”

One day, I read these words of God: “Right now, all of you perform your duties full-time. You are not constrained or tied down by family, marriage, or wealth. You have already emerged from those things. However, the notions, imaginings, knowledge, and personal intents and desires that fill your head remain completely intact. So, when it comes to anything that involves reputation, status, or an opportunity to shine—when you hear that the house of God plans to nurture various kinds of talented individuals, for example—every one of your hearts leaps in anticipation, each of you always wants to make a name for yourself and to step into the spotlight. You all want to fight for status and reputation. You are ashamed of this, but you would feel bad if you don’t do so. You feel envy, hatred, and make complaints whenever you see someone stand out, and think that it is unfair: ‘Why can’t I stand out? Why do other people always get the spotlight? Why is it never my turn?’ And after you feel resentment, you try to repress it, but you cannot. You pray to God and feel better for a while, but when you encounter this sort of situation again, you still cannot overcome it. Is this not a manifestation of an immature stature? When people are caught in such states, have they not fallen into Satan’s trap? These are the shackles of Satan’s corrupt nature that bind humans. … the more you struggle, the darker your heart will become, and the more envy and hatred you will feel, and your desire to obtain these things will only grow stronger. The stronger your desire to obtain them, the less you will be able to obtain them, and as this happens, your hatred will increase. As your hatred increases, you will grow darker inside. The darker you are inside, the worse your performance of your duty will become, and the worse your performance of your duty becomes, the less useful you will be to the house of God. This is an interlinked, vicious cycle. If you never perform your duty well, you will gradually be eliminated” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). After reading this passage, I felt that God was speaking directly about my state. Whenever it came to things that could allow one to stand out, I wanted to compete and hold a place in people’s hearts. I thought about how Xiaoyue and I started believing in God together and attended gatherings together, but when I saw that she comprehended God’s words better than me and was responsible for the gatherings of more groups, I felt that the leaders valued her rather than me, and I became distressed and began to feel jealous of her. In the past, I would always talk things over with Xiaoyue, but when I saw that she was better than me in every way, I became angry, and I didn’t want to see her anymore. We weren’t as close as before. When the church leader election came, even though I was well aware that Xiaoyue was better than me in many ways and quite suited for the position of leader, I worried that if she were elected as the leader, and I remained just a group leader, I would seem inferior to her, and so I deliberately didn’t vote for her. Later, when I saw that Xiaoyue was elected as the leader, I felt dissatisfied. I kept comparing myself to Xiaoyue, and when I saw that she was better than me, I became jealous and resentful. My mind was filled with thoughts of how to surpass her, but when I couldn’t, I felt distressed, lost my motivation to do my duty, and my life entry suffered a loss. At that moment, I realized that my suffering was due to my overwhelming jealousy. Brothers and sisters should complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses, helping each other to do our duties well together rather than being jealous and excluding others for pride and status. Doing this would only make God loathe us. I needed to learn to let go of my desires and quietly do my duties well without seeking attention. Later, when I didn’t understand something about my duty, I’d take the initiative to ask Xiaoyue about it, and we’d fellowship God’s words together to resolve it. I felt much more at ease.

One day in 2016, the leaders said they planned to send Xiaoyue to another place to do her duty and asked me to write an evaluation of her. Unknowingly, my jealousy arose again, and I thought to myself, “Since finding God, Xiaoyue has been promoted from group leader to church leader, and now she’s being sent to another place to do her duty, and she’ll be responsible for more and more churches. But I’m still stuck right here, still just a group leader. What will the brothers and sisters think of me? Will they say that I’m inferior to Xiaoyue, and that the gap between Xiaoyue and me is so massive? This won’t do! I can’t let her go. I need to write about some of Xiaoyue’s weaknesses so the leaders will see she’s not all that great; that way, she won’t be promoted.” For days, I felt troubled and uneasy because of this. I kept thinking, “How should I write the evaluation? Xiaoyue has her corruptions and shortcomings, but no one is perfect, and everyone has faults and weaknesses. It’s impossible to change overnight. If I only write about her flaws, that would be treating others unfairly. Wouldn’t I be doing evil in this? But if I write objectively and truthfully, and Xiaoyue does get promoted, I’ll feel upset.” As I struggled, I kept writing and deleting my evaluation over and over again. In the end, I didn’t know what to write anymore, so I prayed to God, “Oh God! I know You are scrutinizing me at this moment. If I write this evaluation according to my own intentions and stall Xiaoyue from going to do her duty elsewhere, I would truly be doing evil. Please help me to rebel against my corrupt disposition so that I can write truthfully and be an honest person.” After praying, I wrote the evaluation truthfully. But when I thought about Xiaoyue leaving, I felt upset, like a stone was weighing on my heart. During that time, I would occasionally ask about how Xiaoyue was doing her duty, hoping to hear that her state was bad or that she wasn’t doing well in her duty. But every time I heard news, her state would be pretty good, and I’d feel a bit disappointed. One day, I went to Xiaoyue’s house, and I thought to myself, “Xiaoyue doesn’t know that doing duties elsewhere involves suffering. If I tell her about this, maybe she won’t want to go.” So I said to Xiaoyue, “Doing a duty elsewhere isn’t like being at home. Can you really endure that kind of hardship? I don’t have your determination.” After listening to what I said, Xiaoyue wasn’t affected, and I was unaware of the nature of what I said and the consequences it would bring. One day, after I got home from work, my dog suddenly bit me. This was abnormal. Since when does a family dog bite its owners? I realized that this wasn’t a random incident, and that it had to be because I’d done something wrong and was being disciplined. So I prayed to God, “God! Everything is in Your hands. My dog bit me, and this happened with Your permission. Please enlighten me so that I can realize my mistake. I am willing to repent.”

Later, I happened to read a passage of God’s words: “What does it mean to lack humanity? It means not even possessing morals. What does it mean to lack morals? The sister has good living conditions and a wealthy family, and what is these people’s attitude? Is it merely envy followed by well-wishes and then moving on? (No.) So, what is their attitude? Jealousy, indignation, resentment, and harboring complaints in their hearts: ‘Does she deserve to have so much money? Why don’t I have that much money? Why does god bless her and not me?’ The sister is wealthy and prosperous, so they feel jealousy and hatred, without a single word of genuine admiration or well-wishing. This indicates a complete absence of even the most basic morals. … They do not wish well on others; seeing anyone who is doing well or who is better than them fills them with jealousy and resentment. Regardless of how strong someone else’s faith in God is, if that individual is better than them then it just won’t do. They lack humanity entirely, and are incapable of uttering a word of blessing or edification. Why can’t they utter such words? Because their humanity is too evil! It’s not that they don’t want to speak, or that they lack the right words; rather, it’s that their hearts are filled with jealousy, resentment, and indignation, making it impossible for them to utter words of blessing. So then, can the fact that their hearts are filled with such corrupt things indicate that their humanity is malicious? (Yes.) It can. Because they reveal such corrupt dispositions, it becomes easy for others to discern, and others can see through their corrupted essence” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (24)). After reading God’s words, I felt very upset. God exposes that people envy and resent those they see as better than themselves, and that this reflects poor and malicious humanity, and God doesn’t like such people. I was exactly the kind of person God is talking about. After finding God, I felt jealous when I saw that Xiaoyue was responsible for more groups than I was, and even though I knew she was suited to be a leader, I was afraid that if she got elected, it would make me look inferior, so I deliberately didn’t vote for her. When the leaders asked me to write an evaluation of Xiaoyue, I worried that if she went to do her duty elsewhere, the gap between us would grow even larger, so I didn’t want to write about her strengths. Although I ended up writing it truthfully, deep down I still didn’t want her to do well, and I hoped to hear that she was in a bad state or not doing well in her duty, and I even made a point to say negative things in front of her in an attempt to dampen her motivation to do her duty. That way, she wouldn’t be able to do her duty elsewhere, and the gap between us wouldn’t be so massive. The more I reflected, the more I realized how terrible I’d been. I’d used underhanded tricks just to make others think highly of me, which was truly selfish, despicable, and malicious. I didn’t have any humanity! Xiaoyue doing her duty elsewhere would benefit her life growth, and it would also benefit the church’s work. This was something that aligned with God’s intentions, but for the sake of my reputation and status, I tried to sabotage things, not only failing to encourage her, but even making a point of saying negative things. What I was doing was disrupting, disturbing, and hindering the church’s work. The more I thought about it, the more regretful and upset I felt. I thought of Zhou Yu in The Romance of the Three Kingdoms, and how he was narrow-minded and jealous of Zhuge Liang, competing with and comparing himself to Zhuge, and in the end, he couldn’t surpass him and was driven to his death by anger. If I kept comparing myself to Xiaoyue, not only would I end up miserable, but I would also act as Satan’s servant, hindering the church’s work. Realizing this, I knelt before God and prayed, “God, I’ve seen how deeply corrupt I am. My jealousy is overwhelming. Why can’t I stand to see Xiaoyue do better than me? I truly hate myself! May You curse my corrupt nature and lead me to a deeper understanding of myself.”

Later, I read some of God’s words: “Born into such a filthy land, man has been infected by society to a severe extent, he has been influenced by feudal ethics, and he has been taught at ‘institutes of higher learning.’ The backward thinking, corrupt morality, mean view on life, despicable philosophy for worldly dealings, utterly worthless existence, and depraved lifestyle and customs—all of these things have severely intruded upon man’s heart, and severely undermined and attacked his conscience. As a result, man is ever more distant from God, and ever more opposed to Him” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. To Have an Unchanged Disposition Is to Be in Enmity to God). “Cruel mankind! The connivance and intrigue, the snatching and grabbing one from another, the scramble for fame and fortune, the mutual slaughter—when will it ever end? Despite the hundreds of thousands of words God has spoken, no one has come to their senses. People act for the sake of their families, sons and daughters, for their careers, future prospects, position, vainglory, and money, for the sake of food, clothing, and the flesh. But is there anyone whose actions are truly for the sake of God? Even among those who act for the sake of God, there are but few who know God. How many people do not act out of their own interests? How many do not oppress or ostracize others in order to protect their own position?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Evil Will Surely Be Punished). After reading God’s words, I realized that my jealousy toward Xiaoyue stemmed from my excessive concern for reputation and status, I was living by satanic poisons, like “Aim to stand out and excel,” “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies,” and “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,” and these ideas made me lose my conscience and reason. No matter what I did, I always wanted others to admire me, and I sought to have a place in their hearts. I thought back to how, ever since childhood, I’d felt upset whenever I saw others who were better than me. If someone did better than me in school, I would get angry, and if someone had better living conditions, I would be jealous. I remember my cousin did better than me in school and that her family conditions were better than mine, so I was jealous of her. When her family bought a TV, I didn’t go to watch it out of jealousy and anger. After finding God, I continued living by these poisons of Satan. When I saw Xiaoyue surpass me in every way, I became jealous of her and constantly compared myself with her, and when I couldn’t measure up, I felt miserable. All of this was caused by Satan’s corruption and harm. I made fame and gain my pursuit, to the point where all my emotions came to be controlled by them. For the sake of my reputation and status, I even attacked and excluded others, disregarded the church’s work, and became truly selfish and malicious. Even though Xiaoyue and I were close friends who shared everything with one another, I still found myself able to sabotage her behind her back, wanting to use despicable means to achieve my goals. If I continued living by these satanic poisons, I would only become more lacking in human likeness and I would eventually be spurned and eliminated by God. I thank God for using this situation to reveal me, and for allowing me to recognize my corruption through the exposure of His words, giving me the opportunity to repent and change. This is God’s love.

Later, I sought the path of practice and entry in the words of God. I read two passages of God’s words: “For all who perform a duty, no matter how profound or shallow their understanding of the truth is, the simplest way to practice entering into the truth reality is to think of the interests of God’s house in everything, and to let go of one’s selfish desires, personal intents, motives, pride, and status. Put the interests of God’s house first—this is the least one should do. If a person who performs a duty cannot even do this much, then how can they be said to be performing their duty? That is not performing one’s duty. You should first think of the interests of God’s house, be considerate of God’s intentions, and consider the work of the church. Put these things first and foremost; only after that can you think about the stability of your status or how others regard you. Do you not feel that this becomes a little easier when you divide it into two steps and make some compromises? If you practice like this for a while, you will come to feel that satisfying God is not such a difficult thing. Furthermore, you should be able to fulfill your responsibilities, perform your obligations and duty, and set aside your selfish desires, intents, and motives; you should show consideration for God’s intentions, and put the interests of God’s house, the work of the church, and the duty that you are supposed to perform first. After experiencing this for a while, you will feel that this is a good way to comport yourself. It is living straightforwardly and honestly, and not being a base, vile person; it is living justly and honorably rather than being despicable, base, and a good-for-nothing. You will feel that this is how a person should act and the image that they should live out. Gradually, your desire to satisfy your own interests will lessen. … I have now told you this simple approach: Begin by practicing in this way, and once you have done so for a while, the state within you will begin to change, without you knowing it. It will turn from that ambivalent state, in which you are neither terribly interested in believing in God nor terribly averse to it, into a state in which you feel that believing in God and being an honest person are good things, and in which you are interested in being an honest person and feel that there is meaning and nourishment in living this way. You will feel grounded, at peace, and enjoyment in your heart. That is how your state will become. That is the result that comes from letting go of your own intents, interests, and selfish desires. That is the outcome” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). “If God made you foolish, then there is meaning in your foolishness; if He made you bright, then there is meaning in your brightness. Whatever talents God gives you, whatever your strengths, however high your IQ, they all have a purpose for God. All these things were preordained by God. The role you play in your life and the duty you do were ordained by God long ago. Some people see that others possess strengths they do not and are discontent. They want to change things by learning more, seeing more, and being more diligent. But there is a limit to what their diligence can achieve, and they cannot surpass those with gifts and expertise. No matter how much you fight, it is useless. God has ordained what you will be, and there is nothing anyone can do to change it. Whatever you are good at, that is where you should make an effort. Whatever duty you are suited to is the duty you should perform. Do not try to force yourself into areas outside your skillset and do not envy others. Everyone has their function. Do not think that you can do everything well, or that you are more perfect or better than others, always desiring to replace others and put yourself on display. This is a corrupt disposition. There are those who think that they cannot do anything well, and that they have no skills at all. If that is the case, you should just be a person who listens and submits in a down-to-earth manner. Do what you can and do it well, with all your strength. That is enough. God will be satisfied” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Principles That Should Guide One’s Conduct). After reading God’s words, I found a path of practice. No matter what happens, I must put aside my personal interests, and think about how to protect the church’s work and satisfy God first. Regardless of how others see me, I should quietly do my duty well. In my duty, I should pursue the truth and seek transformation in my disposition. This is what aligns with God’s intentions. If I pursue reputation and status, and if I am jealous of others, compete with them, or use underhanded means, and do vile and despicable things, I will only cause God to detest me. I’ve also come to understand that in God’s house, duties aren’t divided up by high or low status, or by large or small responsibilities, and that everyone is just performing their own function. If one’s duty is hosting, they should do the hosting duty well, and if someone can be a leader, they should do the leader’s duty well. No matter what duty we do, we must pursue the truth. God looks at a person’s attitude toward their duty, and if they are pursuing the truth and whether their corrupt disposition is changing. God doesn’t approve of someone when seeing they have a higher status or more capital. This is God’s righteousness. No matter what duty Xiaoyue did, she had her responsibilities, and I had my own duty, and I shouldn’t only focus on comparing myself with her and end up neglecting my duty. Even if others look up to me, that doesn’t mean I have the truth or that my disposition has changed. My stature and caliber are suited to the duty of a group leader, so I should do the duty of a group leader well in a down-to-earth way. When brothers and sisters have problems or difficulties, I will rely on God to fellowship with them and resolve the issues, and fulfill the duty I should do.

Later, for various reasons, Xiaoyue didn’t go elsewhere to do her duty. In the past, I would have been happy about this, but now I was able to view it correctly, and so I opened up in fellowship to Xiaoyue about my state and about the corruption I had revealed. Xiaoyue also fellowshipped her experiential understanding of this matter with me. In the past, I was blinded by jealousy, and I never listened carefully when Xiaoyue fellowshipped, thinking she was just showing off. That day, when I attentively listened to her fellowshipping her experiences, I found myself greatly edified, and I also felt a great sense of ease and liberation in my heart. Seeing this slight change in myself, my heart is filled with gratitude to God.