By Xiao Fan, China

I was supervising the watering work in the church. After more than three months, the work of cultivating waterers was still progressing slowly. My partner brother, Wang Lei, often reminded me to seek and reflect on this issue, but every time he did, I felt some resistance in my heart, thinking that I hadn’t been lazy, and that I’d been working hard to solve the waterers’ problems. I wondered, “Why has their progress always been so slow? I don’t know what it could be. I guess it’s because their caliber is poor, and because their corrupt dispositions are too severe.” So every time Brother Wang Lei reminded me to summarize the work, this was the attitude I’d have. I felt that since I’d done a lot of work, there was no need for me to reflect. But then I thought, “After such a long time, there are still no results coming from the work of cultivating people, and the waterers are still progressing slowly. The leaders and supervisors are surely watching this, and if I can’t summarize specific issues, what will they think of me? Will they think I’m completely numb, that I’ve been ineffective in my duty and that I don’t even reflect on myself? But I really don’t know what my problems are. I could take the initiative to speak out about the issues and say that I’ve been facing difficulties and want to seek a path forward. This way, the leaders not only won’t prune me, but they’ll think I’m honest, and that when there are problems in my work, I don’t hide them but take the initiative to seek help, and they’ll think I’m a person who seeks the truth.” When I thought of this, I felt quite happy, and that I’d come up with a silver bullet for my problems. So I wrote down my difficulties in a work report and made a point of adding at the end, “I will continue to seek; if you find any issues, I hope you will communicate them and point them out to me.” After submitting the report, I felt pleased.

One day, Wang Lei said, “The leaders have written asking why you haven’t gotten any results in your work of cultivating waterers.” I thought about how, a few days before, I’d sought help from the leaders in my work report, and that with the leaders asking Wang Lei to look into my situation, they were probably trying to help me identify the problems. But later, I thought, “The leaders are doing this to look into my situation. Are they starting to investigate me because they think there are indeed problems with my duty? I’ve been doing my duty for such a long time without getting any results; who knows what they’ll uncover! If they find that I’ve gotten too many problems or some serious issues with my duty, will they prune me? Will they think my caliber is poor and that I can’t do actual work, and then dismiss me? That would be utterly humiliating!” When these thoughts occurred to me, I felt a wave of panic, “I didn’t expect things to get to this point. Isn’t this digging my own grave? What should I do about this?” No matter what I did, I just couldn’t calm down. At night, as I listened to Wang Lei tapping away on the keyboard, I thought, “How many of my problems is he reporting? What will the leaders think of me?” I felt somewhat restless, and I just couldn’t focus on the work. So I came before God and prayed, “God, I find that my state has been really impacted by this situation, and I don’t know what lesson I should be learning here. Please guide me to seek the truth in this matter and to come to know my corrupt disposition.”

The next morning, after breakfast, I started reading God’s words and reflected on my state. I read God’s words: “It is a wonderful thing if you can accept God’s house supervising, observing, and trying to understand you. It is of help to you in fulfilling your duty, in being able to do your duty in a way that is up to standard and to satisfy God’s intentions. It benefits and helps you, without any downside at all. Once you have understood this principle, should you not then no longer have any feelings of resistance or guardedness against the supervision of leaders, workers, and God’s chosen people? Even though sometimes someone tries to understand you, observes you, and supervises your work, this is not something to take personally. Why do I say this? Because the tasks that are now yours, the duty you perform, and any work that you do are not the private affairs or personal job of any one person; they touch on the work of God’s house and relate to one part of God’s work. Therefore, when anyone spends a little time supervising or observing you, or gets to understand you on a deep level, trying to have a heart-to-heart with you and find out what your state has been like during this time, and even sometimes when their attitude is a little harsher, and they prune, discipline, and reproach you a bit, this is all because they have a conscientious and responsible attitude toward the work of the house of God. You should not have any negative thoughts or emotions toward this” (The Word, Vol. 5. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers. The Responsibilities of Leaders and Workers (7)). After reading God’s words, I understood that when God’s house supervises and looks into the work, it is to help people correct deviations and do their duties well, and that I shouldn’t have any feelings of resistance or guardedness, as this isn’t in line with God’s intentions. I thought about how, during this time, although I’d been busy every day with my duty, often fellowshipping with brothers and sisters in gatherings, in the end, I hadn’t achieved any good results. There must be a lot of issues in my work that I was unaware of, and if I didn’t identify and resolve these things in time, they would continue to delay the work. When the leaders inquired about the issues in my duty from the brothers and sisters, this was to help me find the reasons for these problems, and it would be beneficial to both my work and life entry. I shouldn’t live in a state of resistance and guardedness out of fear of losing face, or even regret bringing up my own issues. I had to accept the supervision of my brothers and sisters, and regardless of what issues they pointed out, I had to have an honest heart and an attitude of accepting the truth. This is what aligns with God’s intentions. Thinking of this, I felt somewhat liberated.

After that, I continued to seek, and I asked myself, “I clearly wanted to find the reason why I haven’t been getting any results in my duty, but why did I get so sensitive and why did my mind run wild when the leaders actually looked into my work?” Upon reflection, I realized that I had been truly deceitful. I read God’s words: “Having been corrupted by Satan, all mankind lives in a satanic disposition. Like Satan, people disguise and package themselves in every aspect, and they resort to deceit and game-playing in all matters. There is nothing in which they do not resort to deceit and game-playing. Some people even play deceitful games in activities so common as shopping. For instance, they may have bought a most fashionable outfit, but—though they really love it—they do not dare wear it in church, for fear that their brothers and sisters will talk about them and call them shallow. So, they just wear it behind the others’ backs. What sort of behavior is this? It is the revelation of a deceitful and cheating disposition. Why would someone buy a fashionable outfit, but not dare to wear it in front of their brothers and sisters? In their heart, they like fashionable things, and they follow the trends of the world as nonbelievers do. They are afraid of the brothers and sisters seeing through them, seeing how shallow they are, seeing that they are not a respectable and upstanding person. In their heart, they pursue fashionable things and have trouble letting go of them, so they can only wear them at home and are afraid to let their brothers and sisters see them. If the things they like cannot see the light of day, then why can they not give them up? Is there not a satanic disposition controlling them? They constantly speak the words and doctrines, and they seem to understand the truth, yet they are unable to put the truth into practice. This is a person who lives by a satanic disposition. If someone is always fraudulent in speech and in action, if they do not let others see them for what they are, and if they always affect the image of a pious person in front of others, then what is the difference between them and a Pharisee? They want to lead the life of a whore, but also have a monument built to their chastity. They knew full well that they couldn’t wear their exotic outfit in public, so why did they buy it? Was it not a waste of money? It’s just because they like that sort of thing and had their heart set on that outfit, so they felt that they had to buy it. But once they have bought it, they cannot wear it out. After a few years have passed, they regret buying it, and have a sudden realization: ‘How could I have been so foolish, so disgusting as to do that?’ Even they are disgusted by what they did. But they cannot control their actions, because they’re unable to let go of the things they like and pursue. So they adopt two-faced tactics and trickery to satisfy themselves. If they reveal a deceitful disposition in such a trifling matter, will they be able to practice the truth when it comes to something bigger? It would be impossible. Evidently, it is their nature to be deceitful, and deceitfulness is their Achilles’ heel” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Most Fundamental Practice of Being an Honest Person). From God’s words, I understood that when people live in deceitful dispositions, they can’t accept God’s scrutiny of their words and actions, and instead, they act one way in front of others and another way behind their backs. They constantly use tricks to disguise themselves, making it hard for others to see the truth. This is what it means to be a genuinely deceitful person. I thought back to before, when I was reporting the work. I didn’t really think I had any issues with cultivating people, and I thought that I’d done a lot of work, and even when my partner brother reminded me to summarize my deviations, I didn’t think to reflect on myself. But the fact that the results were poor was already plain to see, so what would the leaders and supervisor think of me if I couldn’t figure out the reasons for this? In order to save face, I deliberately said that I’d encountered difficulties and that I wanted to seek a solution. Though I seemed sincere in what I was saying, as if I had some great sense of burden for the work, in reality, I didn’t have any intention to seek the truth to solve the problem, and I was just putting up a facade for others to see, so that the leaders would see me as a person who seemed to have a great desire to seek and who was honest. But when the leaders truly looked into the deviations and issues in my duty, I was revealed. I was afraid that serious problems would be exposed in my work, and that the leaders would think I had poor caliber, that I lacked work capabilities, or that they’d even dismiss me, so I lived with feelings of resistance, regretting that I had sought guidance on problems, even thinking that reporting problems would be digging my own grave. I saw that my seeking on issues hadn’t been to resolve them, but to maintain my status and image in the leaders’ hearts. Was I not just trying to trick others and engage in deceit? This was truly what God exposed—being two-faced, and wanting to lead the life of a whore, but also have a monument built to my chastity. I thought about the Pharisees of old. Though they appeared very pious, and that they longed for the Messiah’s arrival, when the Lord Jesus actually came to work, no matter how many miracles the Lord Jesus performed or how many truths He expressed, they didn’t accept any of it. They even resisted and condemned the Lord Jesus to protect their status and livelihoods. They’d appeared pious in their yearning for God’s arrival, but in reality, they were just trying to mislead people, and they were nothing but hypocrites. How was I behaving any differently from the Pharisees?

One morning during my devotionals, I thought of one sentence of God’s words: “They feign one thing while doing another in order to achieve their ulterior purpose.” I felt that this aligned with my state closely, so I found this passage of God’s words to read. Almighty God says: “What is the primary characteristic of wickedness? It’s that their words sound especially pleasing, and everything seems right on the surface. There doesn’t appear to be any problem, and things look pretty good from every angle. When they do something, you don’t see them using any particular means, and outwardly, there is no sign of weak points or flaws, yet they achieve their goal. They do things in an extremely secretive manner. This is how antichrists mislead people. People and matters like these are the most difficult to discern. Some people often say the right things, use good-sounding excuses, and employ certain doctrines, sayings, or actions that conform to human affection to pull the wool over people’s eyes. They feign one thing while doing another in order to achieve their ulterior purpose. This is wickedness, but most people consider these behaviors to be deceitful. People have a relatively limited understanding and dissection of wickedness. Actually, wickedness is more difficult to discern than deceitfulness because it is more secretive, and its methods and actions are more sophisticated. If someone has a deceitful disposition within them, usually, others can detect their deceitfulness within two or three days of interacting with them, or they can perceive the revelation of their deceitful disposition in the person’s actions and words. However, supposing that person is wicked: This isn’t something that can be discerned within a few days, because without any significant events or special circumstances taking place in a short period of time, it isn’t easy to discern anything from just listening to them talk. They always say and do the right things, and present one right doctrine after another. After a few days of interacting with them, you might think this person is pretty good, is able to forsake things and expend themselves, has spiritual understanding, has a God-loving heart, and has both conscience and reason in the way they act. But after they handle a few matters, you see that their speech and actions are mixed up with too many things, too many devilish intentions. You realize that this person isn’t honest but deceitful—a wicked thing. They frequently use the right words and pleasing phrases that align with the truth and possess human affection to interact with people. In one respect, they establish themselves, and in another, they mislead others, achieving prestige and status among people. Such individuals are incredibly misleading, and once they attain power and status, they can mislead and harm many people. People with wicked dispositions are highly dangerous. Are there any such people around you? Are you yourselves like this? (Yes.) Then how serious is it? Speaking and acting without any truth principles, wholly relying on your wicked nature to act, always wishing to mislead others and live behind a mask, so that others cannot see through or recognize you, and will regard your humanity and status with esteem and admiration—this is wickedness” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Five: They Mislead, Draw In, Threaten, and Control People). God exposes that people with a wicked disposition speak and act in an extremely secretive manner. They seem to say the right things, and their actions appear impeccable, but behind all this, they hide wicked intentions and they are constantly focused on their reputation and status. To gain others’ admiration, they use flattering words and correct actions to mislead people, establishing a good image of themselves in others’ minds while preventing others from discovering their malicious intentions. This is truly wicked! Upon careful reflection, was I not behaving just like this? I clearly wasn’t seeking the truth to resolve my problems, but I behaved as if I were very humble and had a great desire to seek; my purpose in this wasn’t just to cover up my issues, but also to establish a good image of myself as someone who pursued the truth in the minds of others. I knew that the work of cultivating people hadn’t been yielding any results, that waterers hadn’t made much progress, and that these things were plain for everyone to see. If I didn’t summarize and reflect on my issues, what would everyone think of me? Would they say that I didn’t reflect on myself even when I hadn’t gotten any results in my duty? Would they think that I didn’t pursue the truth and that I was utterly numb? In that case, I might as well take the initiative to speak up. This way, they wouldn’t have a negative impression of me because of the work not yielding any results, and perhaps they would even think of me as an honest person. My words were laced with my own scheming motives. I’d tried to use my ostensible seeking of the truth to establish a good image of myself in the leaders’ hearts. I saw that my nature was truly wicked. Just like God said: “Some people often say the right things, use good-sounding excuses, and employ certain doctrines, sayings, or actions that conform to human affection to pull the wool over people’s eyes. They feign one thing while doing another in order to achieve their ulterior purpose. This is wickedness.” In reality, I’d not gotten any results in my duty for a period of time, so I needed to reflect on myself and seek the truth to resolve this. This would be beneficial to both the church’s work and my own life entry. But I wasn’t worried or anxious about the obstacles in my work, but rather, my mind was full of thoughts about how to avoid losing face, and even in matters pertaining to church work and the seeking of the truth, I was acting dishonestly and being deceitful. This had truly made God detest me.

Later on, whenever I had a break from work, I reflected on my state. I remembered that God had fellowshipped that, in conducting oneself, a person must accept His scrutiny in all things, and that all actions and deeds must be brought before God. So I hurried to look for God’s words in this regard. I read God’s words: “To be a believer in God means that all you do must be brought before Him and made subject to His scrutiny. … Today, all who cannot accept God’s scrutiny cannot receive His approval, and those who do not know God incarnate cannot be perfected. Look at all that you do, and see if it can be brought before God. If you cannot bring all that you do before God, this shows that you are an evildoer. Can evildoers be perfected? All that you do, every action, every intention, and every reaction should be brought before God. Even your daily spiritual life—your prayers, your closeness to God, how you eat and drink of God’s words, your fellowship with your brothers and sisters, and your life within the church—and your service in cooperation can be brought before God for His scrutiny. It is such practice that will help you achieve growth in life. The process of accepting God’s scrutiny is the process of purification. The more you can accept God’s scrutiny, the more you are purified and the more you are in accord with God’s intentions, so that you will not be drawn into debauchery, and your heart will live in His presence. The more you accept His scrutiny, the greater are Satan’s humiliation and your ability to rebel against the flesh. So, the acceptance of God’s scrutiny is a path of practice people should follow. No matter what you do, even when fellowshipping with your brothers and sisters, you can bring your acts before God and seek His scrutiny and aim to submit to God Himself; this will make what you practice much more correct. Only if you bring all you do before God and accept God’s scrutiny can you be someone who lives in the presence of God” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. God Perfects Those Who Accord With His Intentions). After reading God’s words, I understood that if a person accepts God’s scrutiny in all things, has no concealment or fakery in their deeds and actions, and they can bring these things before God, then this person lives in the light, and is truly an honest person, and such people can receive God’s approval. But if a person can’t accept God’s scrutiny, but instead engages in constant deceit and trickery, then such people are truly wicked and detestable to God. I also found a path of practice from God’s words. The work of cultivating people had already been without results for a long time, and it had already come to affect the progress of the watering work. If I continued to deceive and conceal things, then these problems wouldn’t be solved, the waterers wouldn’t make any progress in their duties, and they wouldn’t be able to water newcomers well and enable them to quickly lay down a foundation on the true way, and this would lead to even greater losses in the watering work. The leaders were looking into the problems and deviations in my work to help me do my duty well. Regardless of the issues they pointed out, I shouldn’t consider my own pride or status, and I had to accept God’s scrutiny and be an honest person. I had to earnestly reflect on myself regarding the issues in my work, quickly correct my deviations, and do my duty well.

A few days later, I received a letter from the leader, and I was still a bit nervous, as I was worried that the leader might have discovered serious problems in my duty, and that she’d prune me. I silently prayed to God, saying that no matter what issues the leader pointed out, I wouldn’t consider my own pride anymore, and that I’d no longer be resistant or engage in concealment, and that I had to accept and properly reflect on myself. When I opened the letter, I saw that the leader did indeed point out issues in my duty, but she didn’t prune me. Instead, she drew on her own experience to guide me to reflect on the reasons for the poor results in my duty. After reading the leader’s fellowship, I gained some understanding of my recent state and problems. I saw that I’d been living in a corrupt disposition all along, and that when faced with poor results in my work, I didn’t reflect on myself but kept making excuses. I’d thought that I’d kept myself busy every day, fellowshipping solutions with the brothers and sisters, and that I’d already done my best. Therefore, I believed that their lack of progress wasn’t my problem, but due to their poor caliber. The work wasn’t yielding good results, but instead of reflecting on my own problems, I kept shirking responsibility. I’d been truly rebellious and intransigent! Also, upon reflection, I realized that my work of cultivating people during this time indeed contained deviations. I was content so long as I had tasks to do and wasn’t idle each day, but I never seriously sought how to do my duty in a way that would yield results. When cultivating the waterers, I didn’t summarize and communicate based on their real issues, and I just followed an unthinking and mechanical approach to learning instead. As a result, even after months of cultivating, there were no results. Seeing so many problems and deviations in my work, I knew I needed to correct them quickly. When I reflected on how I’d pretended to seek the truth, I felt truly ashamed and embarrassed! If I’d truly had a heart that accepted and sought the truth, these problems might have been discovered and resolved sooner, and this could have benefited the brothers, sisters, and the church work. Moving forward, I am willing to put aside vanity and pride, to seek the truth more in all matters, and to do my duty in a grounded manner! Thank God!