By Su Yi, China

In 2011, I accepted the work of Almighty God in the last days, and less than two years later, my husband passed away due to illness. Although my child was young and the family was struggling financially, I still persisted in my duties. Later, I was chosen to be a church leader, and I thought, “Being able to do the duty of a leader is an exaltation from God, only by doing my duties can I prepare more good deeds, and only by doing this will I meet with God’s approval and enter His kingdom.” So I entrusted my child to my in-laws and devoted all my time to my duties. I was enthusiastic in expending myself in my duties, and no matter what the church arranged for me to do, I never refused. Come rain or shine, I persisted in my duties. After a while, the work I was responsible for began to get some results. Later, I was chosen as a preacher, and the scope of my responsibilities grew larger and larger, and I was filled with self-satisfaction, thinking that I could endure suffering, pay a price, make sacrifices, and expend myself, and that I was getting some results in my duties, and I believed that God would surely bless me. With this in mind, I became even more motivated in my duties. Later, my stomach occasionally had some dull pains, but I didn’t pay much attention to it and continued to do my duties.

One morning, after breakfast, I rode my bike to a gathering place, and while going upstairs, waves of pain rolled through my stomach, but I pushed through and finished the gathering. Afterward, I went to the hospital for a check-up, and the doctor said to me in a grave tone, “You have erosive gastritis with gastric bleeding, and this condition requires timely treatment. If it isn’t treated properly, there is a risk of developing stomach cancer.” Hearing the doctor say this, I felt a bit scared, worrying that if my condition wasn’t treated in time and I really developed stomach cancer and died, I would miss out on God’s salvation and all my efforts and expenditures would have been in vain. I felt a bit weak inside, but then I remembered God’s words: “When sickness befalls, this is God’s love, and surely His goodwill is harbored within. Though your body may undergo a bit of suffering, entertain no ideas from Satan. Praise God in the midst of illness and enjoy God in the midst of your praise. Do not lose heart in the face of illness, keep seeking again and again and do not give up, and God will illuminate and enlighten you. How was Job’s faith? Almighty God is an all-powerful physician! To dwell in sickness is to be sick, but to dwell in the spirit is to be well. So long as you still have one breath, God will not let you die” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Utterances of Christ in the Beginning, Chapter 6). Reflecting on God’s words, I seemed to see a glimmer of hope, and I realized that this illness contained God’s intention. I couldn’t complain. I first had to submit and have faith in God, and believe that as long as I had breath in my lungs, God wouldn’t let me die. I thought about how I had always made sacrifices and expended myself in my duties over the past few years; when my child was still so young and the family faced difficulties, even when my husband passed away, I didn’t give up on my duties, so I believed that God would consider the efforts and expenditures I had made in my duties, and that He would protect me and heal my sickness.

Later on, I went to the hospital for some traditional Chinese medicine and also received intravenous drips, and I continued to do my duties as normal. However, my stomach still hurt often, and I had poor digestion, so I could only drink porridge, and sometimes I would have acid reflux. After taking medicine for a while, my condition not only didn’t improve but actually worsened. I’d have indigestion after eating, and I’d always feel as if there was food stuck in my throat and often feel nauseous. Even at night, I’d feel a burning pain in my stomach while sleeping. Faced with the torment of illness, I felt very weak inside, and I thought, “I have dedicated all of my time to my duties, I am busy every day, and even when I get sick, I don’t neglect my duties, so why hasn’t God protected me and healed my sickness despite my efforts and expenditure?” I lived in misunderstanding and complaints about God, and felt very negative. I felt unmotivated to do anything, and I didn’t want to eat or drink God’s words, or get close to God. I also no longer felt a sense of burden for my duties, which impacted all items of the work. The sister hosting me noticed my poor state and invited me to listen to a reading of God’s words with her. God says: “God can perfect man in both positive and negative aspects. It depends on whether you are able to experience, and on whether you pursue being perfected by God. If you truly seek being perfected by God, then the negative cannot make you suffer loss, but can bring you things that are more real, and can make you more able to know that which is lacking within you, more able to grasp your real state, and see that man has nothing, and is nothing; if you do not experience trials, you do not know, and will always feel that you are above others and better than everyone else. Through all this you will see that all that came before was done by God and protected by God. Entry into trials leaves you without love or faith, you lack prayer and are unable to sing hymns, and without realizing it, in the midst of this you come to know yourself. God has many means of perfecting man. He employs all manner of environments to prune the corrupt disposition of man, and uses various things to lay man bare; in one regard, He prunes man, in another He lays man bare, and in another He reveals man, digging out and revealing the ‘mysteries’ in the depths of man’s heart, and showing man his nature by revealing many of his states. God perfects man through many methods—through revelation, through pruning man, through man’s refinement, and chastisement—so that man may know that God is practical” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Only Those Who Focus on Practice Can Be Perfected). As I listened and pondered, I was deeply moved. God’s words directly reflected my state. When I wasn’t suffering from illness, I was eager and active in my duties, but now when I was sick, and my condition hadn’t improved for some time, I’d lost faith and my sense of burden for my duties. I had also lost my motivation to pray. In the past, I had thought I loved God very much, and that as I was able to set aside my family to do my duties, I was therefore a person who pursued and practiced the truth. Now I saw that my stature was quite small, and that I lacked genuine faith and love for God. God was using this illness to refine and reveal me to help me know my corruption and shortcomings, and to perfect my sincerity and submission to Him. I couldn’t misunderstand God or be negative any longer, and I became willing to entrust my illness to God and put my heart into my duties. Realizing this, my state improved somewhat.

By the end of 2014, my stomach illness became more severe and even eating a little would leave me feeling bloated, and I kept experiencing waves of pain. I felt very weak inside, worrying about what would happen if this illness dragged on, worsened into stomach cancer, and I died. If I died and couldn’t be saved by God, then wouldn’t all my efforts and expenditures have been in vain? I had always done my duties, enduring suffering and paying a price, even doing my duties while I was ill. So why hadn’t I seen God’s blessings and protection? I lived in darkness and didn’t want to do my duties, so I told the upper leader that I wanted to go home for treatment. The leader fellowshipped God’s intention with me, and suggested that I should treat my illness and take care of my body while doing my duties. I thought of how my illness wasn’t serious enough to prevent me from doing even the tiniest portion of my duties, and also, since I was a church leader, it was hard to find a suitable person to hand over my work to. If I abandoned my duties, that would show I was really lacking in conscience, but if I continued in my duties, I’d be constrained by my illness. In my suffering, I cried out to God, “God, I don’t know how to experience this illness, please guide me to learn a lesson in this situation and understand Your intention.” That evening, I talked about my state with the brothers and sisters. The brothers and sisters read God’s words to me, and two passages really moved me. God says: “So many believe in Me only that I might heal them. So many believe in Me only that I might use My power to drive unclean spirits out from their bodies, and so many believe in Me simply that they might receive peace and joy from Me. So many believe in Me only to demand from Me greater material wealth. So many believe in Me just to spend this life in peace and to be safe and sound in the world to come. So many believe in Me to avoid the suffering of hell and to receive the blessings of heaven. So many believe in Me only for temporary comfort, yet do not seek to gain anything in the world to come. When I grant My fury to people and seize all the joy and peace that they once possessed, they become doubtful. When I grant to people the suffering of hell and reclaim the blessings of heaven, they fly into a rage. When people ask Me to heal them, and I pay them no heed and feel abhorrence toward them, they depart from Me to instead seek the way of evil medicine and sorcery. When I take away all that people have demanded from Me, they all disappear without a trace. Thus, I say that people have faith in Me because My grace is too abundant, and because there are far too many benefits to gain” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. What Do You Know of Faith?). “Man’s relationship with God is merely one of naked self-interest. It is a relationship between a receiver and a giver of blessings. To put it plainly, it is the relationship between an employee and an employer. The employee works hard only to receive the rewards bestowed by the employer. There is no affection in such an interests-based relationship, only transaction. There is no loving or being loved, only charity and mercy. There is no understanding, only helpless suppressed indignation and deception. There is no intimacy, only an uncrossable chasm” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Appendix 3: Man Can Only Be Saved Amidst God’s Management). After reading God’s words, a sister fellowshipped a lot with me. She reminded me that always asking God to take away my illness was unreasonable behavior. Through reading God’s words and listening to her fellowship, I suddenly felt brightened. I realized that I believed in God just to receive blessings. At first, I was able to set aside my family and child to do my duties, but this was all for the sake of receiving God’s protection and blessings, and so that I could be saved by God and enter the kingdom of heaven. When faced with illness, I hoped that God would consider the effort and expenditure I’d put into my duties and heal my illness, but as time passed and my condition didn’t improve but rather worsened, I became negative and complained, questioning God about why He wouldn’t heal me. When my condition became serious, I even started thinking about a way out for myself, wanting to quit my duties and go home to recover. I realized that my goals in how I expended myself for God in my duties weren’t right, and that I wanted to obtain God’s blessings through my suffering and expenditure, and once I couldn’t achieve my goals, I thought about turning away from God. In what way was I doing my duties? In what way was I loyal or submissive to God? I was trying to manipulate God and make deals with Him. I didn’t treat God as God; instead, I treated Him like a cornucopia, a Swiss Army knife. I was truly selfish and despicable! It was then that I understood that my facing this illness truly carried God’s intention, and that this was revealing my incorrect views, motives, and desires. Without this, I would still think I forsook my family and career to do my duties, and that I was showing great love for God. The truth was, I wasn’t doing my duty to satisfy God, I was doing it with impure intentions and transactional motives. If I continued to believe in God and do my duties with this viewpoint, I would just end up being spurned by God!

In my seeking, I also saw that I didn’t know God’s almightiness and sovereignty. In the face of my illness, I constantly worried about my condition worsening and dying. My faith was too small. God says: “Everything of man is controlled by God, and because whether man lives or dies is decided by God” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God’s Work, God’s Disposition, and God Himself II). “Who of the whole of mankind is not cared for in the eyes of the Almighty? Who does not live in the midst of the Almighty’s predestination? Does man’s life and death happen by his own choice? Does man control his own fate? Many people cry out for death, yet it is far away from them; many people want to be those who are strong in life and fear death, yet unbeknownst to them, the day of their demise draws near, plunging them into the abyss of death; many people look to the skies and sigh deeply; many people cry great, wailing sobs; many people fall amidst trials; and many people are captured amidst temptation” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. God’s Words to the Entire Universe, Chapter 11). God’s words made me understand that God controls and is sovereign over everything, and human life and death are in His hands. Whether my illness would improve was also in God’s hands. During this time, I was constantly constrained by my illness, fearing that my condition would worsen into cancer and threaten my life, so I thought about giving up my duties to focus on my health. I verbally claimed that God is sovereign over everything, but in real life, I didn’t truly have faith in God. When faced with difficulties, I didn’t rely on or look to God, but lived in worry and anxiety, considering a way out for myself. I didn’t believe that whether I got better or not was in God’s hands, but rather thought that only relying on myself to seek medical treatment and focusing on recovery would cure my illness. Wasn’t this the viewpoint of a disbeliever? When my husband was ill, I took him everywhere to seek treatment, and the doctors said his condition was untreatable. Friends and family advised me not to keep engaging in futile efforts, but I still refused to accept fate. In order to treat his illness, I exhausted all our savings and even incurred debt. Although I devoted myself to caring for him and stayed by his side, in the end, I couldn’t save his life. From this, I realized that life and death are preordained by God. People can’t control their fate, nor can they change others’ destinies. In fact, whether I did my duties in the church or went home, I could still seek medical care and take care of my body as normal, but whether my illness were to improve or worsen was determined by God. The length of a person’s life is also decided by God, and if my time had come, even if I quit my duties and stayed home to recuperate, my condition would still worsen as it should, and I would die when my time came, but if it wasn’t my time, and my mission wasn’t complete, then God wouldn’t let me die early. I saw that I hadn’t known God’s almightiness and sovereignty, and that I’d spent my days living in worry and anxiety, worrying about whether my illness would worsen or if I would die. I’d been truly foolish and ignorant! In reality, these worries were unnecessary and changed nothing. The only thing I could do was entrust everything to God, committing myself to His sovereignty and arrangements. At the same time, I could seek medical care, recuperate normally, and do my duties as best I could. Regardless of how long I would live or whether my illness would improve, I had to submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements.

Later, I read more of God’s words: “There is no correlation between the duty of man and whether he receives blessings or suffers misfortune. Duty is what man ought to fulfill; it is his heaven-sent vocation, and should not depend on recompense, conditions, or reasons. Only then is he doing his duty. Receiving blessings refers to when someone is made perfect and enjoys God’s blessings after experiencing judgment. Suffering misfortune refers to when someone’s disposition does not change after they have experienced chastisement and judgment; they do not experience being made perfect but are punished. But regardless of whether they receive blessings or suffer misfortune, created beings should fulfill their duty, doing what they ought to do, and doing what they are able to do; this is the least that a person, a person who pursues God, should do” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. The Difference Between the Ministry of God Incarnate and the Duty of Man). From God’s words, I realized that I am a created being, and doing my duties is perfectly natural and justified, so I shouldn’t try to make deals with God or demand rewards of Him. Regardless of how God treats me in the future, whether I am blessed or suffer misfortune, I should stand properly in the position of a created being, submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements, and fulfill my duties. Whether a person can ultimately be saved by God depends on whether they can accept God’s judgment and purification, cast off their corrupt disposition and achieve compatibility with God. It isn’t through hard work, suffering, or sacrifice that one earns God’s blessings. Ever since I found God, I had just been satisfied with outward enthusiasm and busyness, and I hadn’t been pursuing the truth or focusing on my life entry, and I rarely reflected on and knew myself through God’s words. After making some sacrifices and expenditures, I believed I was entitled to enjoy God’s blessings. When my hopes of being blessed were shattered, I began to misunderstand and complain about God, even regretting my earlier sacrifices, and becoming unwilling to do my duties. God is holy and righteous, and someone like me, selfish and despicable, who was always seeking blessings and attempting to make deals with God and manipulate and deceive God, while wanting to receive blessings and enter the kingdom of heaven, was simply delusional! I didn’t pursue the truth, and after years of believing in God, my views on things and life disposition hadn’t changed. Even if I suffered greatly or spent my days running about, I would remain someone who resists God, and ultimately, I would be eliminated and punished. I am a created being, and it is natural and right for me to expend myself for God. I have no right to demand blessings from God. Instead, what I should do is submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements and do my duties well, and as for what my outcome and destination will be, that is for God to arrange. Realizing this, I prayed to God, “God, if it weren’t for this illness, I wouldn’t know my adulterated intention to seek blessings in my faith. I am willing to let go of my intention to seek blessings, and regardless of whether I get better or not, so long as I have breath in my lungs, I will expend for You and do my duties. Even if one day this sickness becomes so severe that I die, I won’t complain, and I will submit to Your sovereignty and arrangements.”

One day during my devotionals, I read that God’s words say: “Sometimes God will arrange some situations for you, pruning you through the people around you and causing you to suffer, making you learn the lessons and allowing you to understand the truth and see things for what they are. God is doing this work right now, in having your flesh accompanied by suffering, so that you can learn your lesson, resolve your corrupt disposition and fulfill your duty well. Paul often said he had a thorn in his flesh. What was this thorn? It was an illness, and he could not escape it. He knew all too well what that illness was, that it was directed at his disposition and his nature. If he had not been stuck with this thorn, if he had not been followed with this illness, he might, at any place and time, establish his own kingdom, but with his sickness he did not have the energy. Therefore, much of the time sickness is a kind of ‘protective umbrella’ for people. If you are not ill, but are bounding with energy, you may well do evil of some sort and bring about some kind of trouble. People can easily lose their reason when they are wildly arrogant and dissolute. They will regret it when they have done evil, but by then they will be unable to help themselves. That is why having a little illness is a good thing, a protection for people” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. In Believing in God, Gaining the Truth Is Most Crucial). Contemplating God’s words, I was filled with gratitude toward God. If it hadn’t been for this illness befalling me, my adulterated intention to seek blessings in my belief wouldn’t have been exposed, and I would have continued to use my hard work as capital to attempt to make deals with God. As I took on more responsibilities and endured more suffering, I would have become more arrogant, believing I had capital to earn God’s approval and blessings. If this illness hadn’t come to reveal my mistaken views on what to pursue, I wouldn’t have known my adulterated intention in my belief in God, and I would have continued down the wrong path, just like Paul, who demanded a crown of righteousness from God, resisted Him, and was ultimately eliminated and punished by God. Looking back, the illness that befell me was indeed akin to a kind of protective umbrella over me. It was God’s way of protecting me, and though I suffered physically, it corrected my mistaken perspective on what to pursue. These things couldn’t have been gained in a comfortable environment. God allowing me to experience illness wasn’t to make things difficult for me, but rather, His intention was to transform me, to enable me to seek the truth and reflect on and know myself through the illness, and thus repent to Him. Through my illness, I came to realize God’s painstaking intention, and that whatever God does on people is always for salvation and love. I was truly grateful to God!

After this, I put my heart into my duties. Although sometimes I would think, “How nice it would be to have a healthy body, I wonder when my illness will get better,” I’d quickly realize that I was still making demands of God and not submitting, so I’d silently pray to God, “God, no matter how long the illness stays with me, even if my illness doesn’t improve, I am willing to submit to Your orchestrations and arrangements, and as long as I have breath in my lungs, I will adhere to my duties.” Through prayer, my heart became much calmer. Reflecting on how I had previously wallowed in my illness and delayed church work, and that God still gave me the opportunity to repent through my duties, I was willing to change my previous attitude toward my duties and make up for the debt I owed God. Later on, I summarized the deviations and problems in the work with my cooperating sister, recorded the tasks that needed to be implemented one by one, fellowshipped with the brothers and sisters to implement them, and actually solved the problems that brothers and sisters encountered in their duties. After some time, the church’s work improved somewhat in all areas, and the brothers and sisters were also active in their duties. I was also greatly encouraged and no longer as constrained by my illness as before. One day, I stumbled upon a remedy that could treat my stomach issues, and after taking the medicine a few times, my stomach stopped hurting, and my body gradually recovered. I thanked and praised God from the bottom of my heart, and I saw how wise and almighty God is. Everything God does is to change and cleanse me!

In experiencing this illness, although I suffered physically, I came to correct my mistaken views on believing in God, and the impurities in my faith came to be cleansed somewhat. I also came to understand that it is perfectly natural and justified for a created being to do their duties, and that regardless of whether one meets with blessings or suffering, one should submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements and fulfill one’s duties. These understandings and changes that I have attained have all been results achieved through the judgment and chastisement of God’s words.