By Wang Lei, China

I have been cooperating with the cleansing work in the church, and through several years of practicing, I have grasped some principles related to my duties, and I have achieved some results in my duties. When discussing issues, the leaders, deacons, and the brothers and sisters I cooperated with generally agreed with my viewpoints. They would come to me for fellowship and adopt my opinions when they had difficulty discerning matters clearly. I began to feel a sense of superiority, thinking that I was better than them. In December 2020, I was promoted to do my duties in another region. The two sisters I was cooperating with had been doing this duty longer than I had, and they had a better grasp of the principles. A few times, we analyzed the materials for clearing out people together, and the two sisters analyzed them very thoroughly by relating to principles. I’d want to speak up in fellowship, but I’d feel that they had just fellowshipped what I understood, and that for some of the problems they pointed out, I hadn’t even noticed them, so I thought it was better not to say anything, and that speaking up would have no reference value and would just make me look inadequate. Thus, I kept silent. Another time, we analyzed a document for expelling an evil person. I didn’t think the person was really an evil person, so I fellowshipped my perspective. Then one of the sisters said she believed this person had the essence of an evil person, and she gave her analysis of this by drawing on this person’s evil deeds and the essence of their actions. The other sister also agreed with her. After listening to what they had said, I thought the sisters’ fellowship was correct and based on principles, and I felt a sudden flush of embarrassment. I thought to myself, “I’ve made a fool of myself. What will the sisters think of me now? Will they think I lack discernment and that I have low caliber?” Later, when we analyzed materials together again, I didn’t dare to just come out and express my views, for fear of how others would perceive me if my fellowship was incorrect. Before, the brothers and sisters I’d cooperated with hadn’t done as well in their duties as I had, but now the sisters I was cooperating with were better than me in every way, so I felt like the most incapable one there, and I lacked any sense of presence and would often sink into a state of feeling repressed. During that time, my state was terrible, and at times, I even wanted to run from this situation and not do my duties there anymore. Soon, due to a reduction in workload, there was a need to streamline personnel, and the leaders assessed my caliber as average and reassigned me.

After some time, due to an increase in workload, the leaders wrote to ask me to continue doing cleansing work in another region. When I saw their letter, I felt some resistance, thinking, “The brothers and sisters I would cooperate with there all have better caliber than me, and they’re also better than I am at fellowshipping the truth and viewing things. I won’t stand out in my duties there and will just end up making a fool of myself. I don’t want to go there.” So I refused, making excuses, saying I lacked the caliber and couldn’t handle this duty. As the workload increased, the leaders and workers wrote to me several times in fellowship, but when I thought about how the brothers and sisters in the other region had good caliber and work capabilities, I felt I wouldn’t have any presence there, so I kept rejecting their requests. The truth was, I felt very uneasy about shirking my duties, and I felt guilty, but then I thought to myself, “It is the same wherever I do my duties, and the work here also needs people to cooperate on it, so I can just work harder and do well in my duties here.”

Some time later, a sister wrote me a letter, in which she drew on her own experiences in being reassigned in her duties to fellowship with me, and she pointed out that my reluctance to do my duties in the other region may be due to my being constrained by reputation and status. She also reminded me to face my problems and seek the truth to resolve them. Seeing the sister pour her heart out in fellowship to me touched me deeply. I realized that I had repeatedly rejected my duties, and that in this, I was truly rebelling against God! I knew this was another opportunity from God for me to repent, and that I had to seize it. I saw that in the letter, the sister had found a passage of God’s words for me to read: “What kind of state is there inside people when they have an intransigent disposition? It is mainly that they are stubborn and self-righteous. They always stick to their own ideas, they always think that what they say is right, they are utterly inflexible, and they are opinionated. This is the attitude of intransigence. They are like a broken record, not listening to anyone, remaining unalterably fixed on one course of action, insisting on going through with it, regardless of whether it is right or wrong; there is some unrepentance in this. As the saying goes, ‘Dead pigs don’t fear boiling water.’ People know full well what is the right thing to do, and yet they do not do it, they steadfastly refuse to accept the truth. This is one kind of disposition: intransigence. In what kinds of situations do you reveal an intransigent disposition? Are you often intransigent? (Yes.) Very often! And since intransigence is your disposition, this accompanies you in every second of every day of your existence. Intransigence stops people from being able to come before God, it stops them from being able to accept the truth, and it stops them from being able to enter the truth reality. And if you are not able to enter the truth reality, can change occur in this aspect of your disposition? Only with great difficulty. Has there now been any change in this aspect of your disposition that is intransigent? And how much change has there been? Say, for example, you used to be extremely stubborn, but there has now been a little change in you: When you encounter some issue, you have some sense of conscience in your heart, and say to yourself, ‘I have to practice some truth in this matter. Since God has exposed this intransigent disposition—since I have heard it, and now I know it—I must therefore change. When I encountered these kinds of things a few times in the past, I went along with my flesh and failed, and I am not happy with this. This time I must practice the truth.’ With such an aspiration, it is possible to practice the truth, and this is change. When you have experience in this way for a time, and you are able to put more truths into practice, and this brings about greater changes, and your rebellious and intransigent dispositions reveal themselves less and less, has there been a change in your life disposition? If your rebellious disposition has visibly become ever more diminished, and your submission to God has become ever greater, then there has been real change. So, to what extent must you change to achieve true submission? You will have succeeded when there is not the slightest intransigence, but only submission. This is a slow process. Changes in disposition do not happen overnight, they take extended periods of experience, maybe even a lifetime. Sometimes it is necessary to suffer many great hardships, hardships akin to dying and coming back to life, hardships more painful and difficult than having poison scraped from your bones” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only Knowledge of the Six Kinds of Corrupt Dispositions Is True Self-Knowledge). What God exposed was my state exactly. I had been living in an intransigent disposition. This had prevented me from coming before God to seek the truth, and made me unable to submit to God’s orchestrations and arrangements. I thought back on the leaders’ arrangement for me to do my duties in another region. I knew that I had to prioritize the church’s work, but I was concerned that the sisters I would be cooperating with would have better caliber and discernment than me, and I feared that cooperating with them in my duties would not only not earn me any recognition, but it would also make me look inadequate, and leave me feeling invisible. To protect my reputation and status, I stubbornly refused my duties time and again, and no matter how others fellowshipped with me, I just wouldn’t listen. My heart was completely closed off to God. I was truly intransigent and obstinate! I knew that the workload in that region was heavy and that they needed more people to help, but at this critical moment, I only cared about my pride and status, and didn’t consider the church’s work at all. I was so selfish, despicable, and lacking in any humanity! I felt really regretful, so I prayed to God, “God, my disposition is so stubborn and intransigent. I know the truth but don’t practice it. I am willing to change this rebellious state of mine and seek the truth to resolve my problems. Please guide and lead me.” After this, I wrote to the leaders expressing my willingness to do my duties in another region.

Later, I reflected on why I had been unwilling to do my duties in another region, and I realized that this was because it encroached on my reputation and status. So I consciously sought the truth on this aspect. I read a passage of God’s words: “Antichrists reluctantly do their duty in order to obtain blessings. They also inquire whether they will be able to put themselves on display and be looked up to by doing this duty, and whether the Above or God will know if they do this duty. These are all things they consider when they do a duty. The first thing they want to determine is what benefits they can get by doing a duty and whether they can be blessed. This is the most important thing to them. They never think about how to be considerate of God’s intentions and repay God’s love, how to preach the gospel and testify to God so that people gain God’s salvation and obtain happiness, much less do they ever seek to understand the truth, or seek how to resolve their corrupt dispositions and live out a human likeness. They never consider these things. They only think about whether they can be blessed and gain benefits, how to gain a foothold, how to gain status, how to make people look up to them, and how to distinguish themselves and become the best in the church and in the crowd. They are absolutely not willing to be ordinary followers. They always want to be the first in the church, have the final say, become leaders, and make everyone listen to them. Only then can they be satisfied. You can see that antichrists’ hearts are full of these things. Do they genuinely expend for God? Do they genuinely do their duty as created beings? (No.) Then what do they want to do? (To hold power.) That’s right. They say, ‘As for me, in the secular world I want to outdo everyone else. I have to be the first in any group. I refuse to come in second, and I will never be a sidekick. I want to be a leader and have the final say in any group of people I’m in. If I don’t have the final say, then I will try all the means possible to convince you all, to make you all look up to me, and to make you choose me as the leader. Once I have status, I will have the final say, everyone will have to listen to me. You will have to do things my way, and you will have to be under my control.’ No matter what duty the antichrists do, they will try to put themselves in a high position, in a position of primacy. They could never be content with their place as an ordinary follower. And what are they most passionate about? It is standing in front of people giving orders and telling people off, making people do as they say. They never think about how to do their duty properly—much less, while doing their duty, do they seek the truth principles in order to practice the truth and satisfy God. Instead, they rack their brains for ways to distinguish themselves, to make the leaders think highly of them and promote them, so that they themselves can become a leader or worker, and can lead other people. This is what they spend all day thinking about and hoping for. Antichrists are not willing to be led by others, nor are they willing to be an ordinary follower, much less to go quietly about doing their duty without fanfare. Whatever their duty, if they cannot be front and center, if they cannot be above others and lead other people, they find doing their duty boring, and become negative and start slacking. Without the praise or worship of others, it is even less interesting to them, and they have even less desire to do their duty. But if they can be front and center while doing their duty and get to have the final say, they feel fortified, and will suffer any hardship. They always have personal intentions in the performance of their duty, and they always want to distinguish themselves as a means to satisfy their need to beat other people, and satisfy their desires and ambitions. While doing their duty, in addition to being highly competitive—competing, in every regard, to stand out, to be on top, to get above others—they’re also thinking about how to keep their current status, reputation and prestige” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Seven)). God exposes that no matter where antichrists do their duties, they do so to satisfy their desire for status. If they are prominent figures or leaders among people, and they are able to stand out and gain admiration, then they’re highly motivated in everything they do. But if they can’t stand out and always fail to distinguish themselves, then they don’t even want to do their duties. In comparing my views on pursuit with this understanding, I realized they were identical to those of an antichrist. When I was assigned to do my duty in another region and I saw that the sisters I cooperated with had better caliber and work capabilities than me, I felt inadequate and useless among them and that I had no sense of presence. This caused me to often live in a state of sorrow and repression, and give no thought to how to do my duties well, and I often wished to escape from this situation. After being reassigned in my duties, I didn’t reflect on the wrong path I had taken, and when the leaders arranged for me to do my duties in another region again, I found excuses to refuse because I felt I wouldn’t be able to stand out. Even though brothers and sisters fellowshipped with me many times, and I knew that the workload in that region was heavy and urgently needed more people to help, I still disregarded the church’s work. My concern for reputation and status was overwhelming. I always claimed that I did my duties to satisfy God and repay His love, but now I saw that my sacrifices, expenditure, and suffering were all for the sake of reputation and status. I wasn’t doing my duties at all, but rather trying to use and deceive God. Later, I asked myself, “Why do I place such great importance on reputation and status?” It was because satanic poisons like “Better to be a big fish in a small pond,” and “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark” had taken root in my heart and had become my goals to pursue and survival rules. I believed that living meant standing out and gaining people’s admiration, and that living such a life was meaningful and valuable. If I could never stand out or was always looked down upon wherever I went, then I felt I was living a pathetic life. Though I appeared to be doing my duties, internally I was just focused on how to establish myself and gain reputation and status, and when the church’s work needed my cooperation, I looked for excuses to refuse because my desires for reputation and status weren’t being met. Living by these satanic poisons, I became really arrogant and selfish, without any human likeness, and I came to involuntarily rebel against and resist God. During that time, I repeatedly refused my duties and often felt fearful and uneasy, feeling as if I were on the edge of danger. This attitude toward my duties was liable to offend God’s disposition, and if I didn’t repent to God, I would surely be set aside and eliminated by God. Realizing this, I felt really afraid, and I recognized that refusing my duties was a serious issue. I was filled with regret and guilt, and I hated myself for being able to rebel against God in this way, leaving behind transgressions and stains in my wake. I truly owed God so much! The pursuit of reputation and status is a road of no return that leads to destruction, so I wanted to change my views on pursuit.

Later, I found a path of practice and entry in God’s words. Almighty God says: “Since you wish to remain peacefully in God’s house as a member, you should first learn how to be a good created being and fulfill your duties according to your place. In God’s house, you would then become a created being that lives up to its name. Created being is your outward identity and title, and it should come with specific manifestations and substance. It’s not just about having the title; but since you are a created being, you should fulfill the duties of a created being. Since you are a created being, you should fulfill the responsibilities of such. So, what are the duties and responsibilities of a created being? God’s word clearly lays out the duties, obligations, and responsibilities of created beings, doesn’t it? From today onward, you are a genuine member of God’s house, that is to say, you acknowledge yourself as one of the created beings of God. Consequently, from today, you should reconsider your life plans. You should no longer pursue but should let go of the ideals, desires, and goals you previously set for your life. Instead, you should change your identity and perspective in order to plan the life goals and direction that a created being should have. First and foremost, your goals and direction should not be to become a leader, or to lead or excel in any industry, or to become a renowned figure who carries out a certain task or masters a particular skill. Your goal should be to accept your duty from God, that is, to know what work you should be doing now, at this moment, and to understand what duty you need to perform. You need to ask what God requires of you and what duty has been arranged for you in His house. You should understand and gain clarity on the principles that should be understood, laid hold of, and followed regarding that duty. If you can’t remember them, you can write them down on paper or record them on your computer. Take the time to review them and ponder over them. As a member of created beings, your primary life goal should be to fulfill your duty as a created being and be a qualified created being. This is the most fundamental life goal you should have. Second and more specific is how to fulfill your duty as a created being and be a qualified created being. Of course, any goals or directions related to your reputation, status, vanity, future, and so on should be relinquished” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (7)). From God’s words, I came to understand that I am a created being, and that I should strive to fulfill my duties as a created being. This is my responsibility. I shouldn’t always focus on how others perceive me or compete with others over whose skills are better. What I should do is submit, do my duties according to the requirements and principles of God’s house in a down-to-earth manner, pray more to God about things I don’t understand, seek fellowship with others, and put effort into the truth principles. This is the correct way to practice.

Now that I was doing my duty in another region, I still sometimes misjudged or miscalculated matters when analyzing materials for clearing out people. When the decisions I wrote about clearing out had issues, and everyone offered suggestions and corrections, I still felt somewhat uncomfortable and worried about how others saw me. When these feelings surfaced, I realized that I was being bound and constrained by my desire for reputation and status again, so I prayed to God, willing to correctly face my shortcomings, accept correct suggestions, and do my duties according to principles. After some experience, I have come to see that although I still have many shortcomings in my duties, I have made progress in discerning people and viewing people and things through the guidance, fellowship, and help of my partnered brothers and sisters. My choice of words has also become much more precise than before. These things have really helped me make up for a lot of my shortcomings. Although I still sometimes worry about my reputation and status, I am able to pray to God to rebel against myself and not be so constrained by my desire for reputation and status. Thank God for saving me!