By Keke, China

Ever since I was a child, I’ve been quite introverted. I didn’t like to talk and I wasn’t fond of greeting others. When I wanted to go out and saw my neighbors chatting outside, I felt really nervous, so I avoided going out unless it was absolutely necessary. When I was in school and needed to call teachers to inquire about something, I wouldn’t know how to start, so I’d ask my dad to speak for me. My dad would get really angry, and complain I wasn’t as confident as other kids. My aunt often said to me, “It’s like your mouth is sealed with tape. If you carry on like this, you won’t amount to anything …” Their comments often echoed through my head, and sometimes I’d cry because of how miserable I was, hating myself for not being able to speak or make adults happy. I often envied those who were eloquent and could liven up the room. In college, I accepted the work of Almighty God of the last days and I attended gatherings with brothers and sisters to read God’s words. I saw everyone opening up and fellowshipping their experiential understanding, with no one making fun of anyone, and I was also free to open up and fellowship without feeling constrained. It felt really relaxing and liberating to be with the brothers and sisters.

In January 2024, I was watering newcomers in the church and cooperating with Sister Wang Lu. Through our interactions, I found that this sister had good caliber, strong expressive abilities, and understood the truth well. During gatherings, she could draw on the newcomers’ states in her fellowship, and the newcomers often nodded along as they listened. Seeing this, I’d instinctively lower my head and think, “This is truly someone who has believed in God for many years, her way of speaking is really something else! But as for me, I have to think for a long time before I can respond in fellowship to the newcomers’ questions, and what I say isn’t as fluent or detailed as what Wang Lu says. Why am I so lacking? If I were to fellowship after her, the newcomers would definitely notice I’m not as good as her. Forget it, I might as well not say anything; that way I won’t seem like a nobody in comparison.” After that, I felt afraid to speak during gatherings with Wang Lu, worrying that if I didn’t do well, she would look down on me. One time, a newcomer encountered difficulties in preaching the gospel, and Wang Lu simply chatted about a way to solve the problem. I wanted to add something since I had experience in that area, but then I thought, “With Wang Lu here, if I don’t express myself well, will she think I’m overestimating myself by wanting to fellowship?” So even though the words were on the tip of my tongue, I didn’t have the courage to speak out, and I waited until Wang Lu left before I fellowshipped. Another time, I was with Wang Lu and Sister Li Hua in a gathering with newcomers. I briefly inquired about the newcomers’ states, and one of the newcomers shared her difficulties. I was about to fellowship and guide the newcomer on how to learn a lesson in this situation, but thinking that the two sisters were there, that they had good caliber and expressive abilities, I was worried, “I’m not good with words, what will they think of me if I end up rambling?” Seeing that I hadn’t spoken for a while, Li Hua quickly took over the fellowship, and even though it was her first time meeting the newcomers, she was able to chat naturally with them. Watching Wang Lu and Li Hua fellowship back and forth, I felt really envious, thinking, “Waterers should be people with caliber, eloquence, and extroverted personalities like these sisters.” I thought about myself again; I hardly spoke during the entire gathering and felt like an outsider. I felt frustrated, wondering why I couldn’t fellowship as openly as the others. Could it be that I just wasn’t suited for a duty that would require me to speak often? Whenever I attended gatherings with brothers and sisters who had good caliber and strong communication skills, I’d feel very nervous, fearing that if I fellowshipped poorly, people would look down on me, and even when I did have a light, I didn’t dare to share it. I was unable to do my duty as I should, so I prayed to God, seeking a way to resolve this state and do my duty normally.

One day, I recalled two passages of God’s words that resonated with my state, and I looked them up and read them. Almighty God says: “There are some people who, as children, were ordinary-looking, inarticulate, and not very quick-witted, causing others in their families and social environments to give rather unfavorable appraisals of them, saying things like: ‘This kid is dull-witted, slow, and a clumsy speaker. Look at other people’s children, who are so well-spoken that they can wrap people around their little finger. Whereas this kid just pouts all day long. He doesn’t know what to say when meeting people, doesn’t know how to explain or justify himself after doing something wrong, and can’t amuse people. This kid is an idiot.’ The parents say this, relatives and friends say this, and their teachers also say this. This environment exerts a certain, invisible pressure on such individuals. Through experiencing these environments, they unconsciously develop a certain kind of mindset. What kind of mindset? They think that they are not good-looking, not very likable, and that others are never happy to see them. They believe that they are not good at studying, are slow, and always feel embarrassed to open their mouths and speak in front of others. They are too embarrassed to say thank you when people give them something, thinking to themselves, ‘Why am I always so tongue-tied? Why are other people such smooth talkers? I’m just stupid!’ Subconsciously, they think they are worthless, but still are unwilling to acknowledge being that worthless, being that stupid. In their hearts they always ask themselves, ‘Am I really that stupid? Am I really that unpleasant?’ Their parents do not like them, and neither do their brothers and sisters, their teachers or their classmates. And occasionally their family members, their relatives and friends say of them, ‘He is short, his eyes and nose are small, and with looks like that, he will not be successful when he grows up.’ So, when they look in the mirror, they see that their eyes are indeed small. In this situation, the resistance, dissatisfaction, unwillingness, and unacceptance in the depths of their heart turn gradually to acceptance and acknowledgment of their own shortcomings, deficiencies, and issues. Although they can accept this reality, a persistent emotion arises in the depths of their heart. What is this emotion called? It is inferiority” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). “On the surface, inferiority is an emotion that manifests in people; but in fact, the root cause of it is this society, mankind, and the environment people live in. It is also brought about by people’s own objective reasons. It goes without saying that society and mankind come from Satan, because all of mankind lies under the power of the evil one, deeply corrupted by Satan, and no one can possibly teach the next generation in accordance with the truth or with the teachings of God, but rather does so in accordance with the things that come from Satan. Therefore, the consequence of teaching the next generation and mankind the things of Satan, besides corrupting the dispositions and essence of people, is that it causes negative emotions to arise in people. If the negative emotions that arise are temporary, then they will not have a tremendous effect on a person’s life. However, if a negative emotion becomes deeply rooted within the innermost heart and soul of a person and it becomes indelibly stuck there, if they are completely unable to forget about it or get rid of it, then it will necessarily affect that person’s every decision, the way they approach all manner of people, events, and things, what they choose when faced with major matters of principle, and the path they will walk in their life—this is the effect real human society has on every single person. The other aspect is people’s own objective reasons. That is, the education and teachings people receive as they grow up, all the thoughts and ideas along with the ways to comport oneself that they accept, as well as the various human sayings, all come from Satan, to the point where people have no ability to handle and dispel these issues they encounter from the correct perspective and standpoint” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). After reading God’s words, I finally understood. I realized that I had been constrained during gatherings with brothers and sisters because I had strong feelings of inferiority. Since I was a child, my family always said I couldn’t talk or make adults happy, that I was shy and hesitant when talking to others, and that I was unlike other people’s children who spoke clearly and confidently. Under the influence of these words, I became conscious that nobody likes children like me who couldn’t speak well, and only those who were articulate and outgoing were liked by others. As a result, I often felt inferior and preferred to hide in corners away from other people. Now that I was in the church doing my duty, I was still influenced by feelings of inferiority. When I attended gatherings with people with good caliber and strong communication skills, I’d feel inferior and often deny myself. Even when I understood certain issues, I didn’t dare to fellowship, and I struggled to cooperate harmoniously with the sisters. Living with these feelings of inferiority really affected my ability to do my duty!

Later, I read a couple of passages of God’s words, and I gained some understanding of the consequences of not resolving these feelings of inferiority. Almighty God says: “When this emotion arises in you, you feel you have nowhere to turn. When you encounter an issue that requires you to express a view, you will consider what you want to say and the view you wish to express in your innermost heart who knows how many times, yet you still cannot bring yourself to speak it out loud. When someone expresses the same view that you hold, you allow yourself to feel an affirmation in your heart, confirmation that you are not worse than other people. But when the same situation happens again, you still say to yourself, ‘I can’t speak casually, do anything rash, or make myself a laughingstock. I’m no good, I’m stupid, I’m foolish, I’m an idiot. I need to learn how to hide and just listen, not speak.’ From this we can see that, from the point when the feeling of inferiority arises to when it becomes deeply entrenched within a person’s innermost heart, are they not then deprived of their free will and of the legitimate rights bestowed upon them by God? (Yes.) They have been deprived of these things” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). “Because they feel inferior, they do not dare to go before people, they cannot even take on the obligations and responsibilities they ought to take on, nor can they take on what they are actually capable of achieving within the scope of their own ability and caliber, and within the scope of the experience of their own humanity. This feeling of inferiority affects every aspect of their humanity, it affects their personality and, of course, it also affects their character. When around other people, they seldom express their own views, and you hardly ever hear them clarify their own standpoint or opinion. When they encounter an issue, they dare not speak, but instead constantly shrink back and retreat. When there are few people there, they feel brave enough to sit among them, but when there are a lot of people there, they look for a corner and head for where the lighting is dim, not daring to come among other people. Whenever they feel they would like to positively and actively say something and express their own views and opinions to show that what they think is right, they do not even have the courage to do that. Whenever they have such ideas, their feeling of inferiority comes pouring out all at once, and it controls them, stifles them, telling them, ‘Don’t say anything, you’re no good. Don’t express your views, just keep your ideas to yourself. If there is anything in your heart you really want to say, just make a note of it on the computer and ruminate on it by yourself. You must not let anyone else know about it. What if you said something wrong? It would be so embarrassing!’ This voice keeps telling you not to do this, not to do that, not to say this, not to say that, causing you to swallow back down every word you wish to say. When there is something you want to say that you have turned over in your heart for a long time, you beat a retreat and dare not say it, or else you feel embarrassed to say it, believing that you ought not to do it, and if you do it then you feel as though you have broken some rule or violated the law. And when one day you do actively express your own view, deep inside you feel incomparably perturbed and uneasy. Even though this feeling of great unease gradually fades, your feeling of inferiority slowly smothers the ideas, intentions and plans you have for wanting to speak, wanting to express your own views, wanting to be a normal person, and wanting to be just like everyone else. Those who don’t understand you believe you are a person of few words, quiet, shy of character, someone who does not like to stand out from the crowd. When you speak in front of lots of other people, you feel embarrassed and your face turns red; you are somewhat introverted, and only you, in actuality, know that you feel inferior. Your heart is filled with this feeling of inferiority and this feeling has been around for a long time, it is not some temporary feeling. Rather, it tightly controls your thoughts from deep inside your soul, it tightly seals your lips, and so regardless of how correctly you understand things, or what views and opinions you have toward people, events and things, you dare only to think and turn things over in your own heart, never daring to speak out loud. Whether other people might approve of what you say, or correct and criticize you, you will not dare to face or see such an outcome. Why is this? It is because your feeling of inferiority is inside you, telling you, ‘Don’t do that, you’re just not up to it. You don’t have that kind of caliber, you don’t have that kind of reality, you shouldn’t do that, that’s just not you. Don’t do anything or think anything now. You’ll only be the real you by living in inferiority. You’re not qualified to pursue the truth or to open up your heart and say what you want and connect with others like other people do. And it’s because you’re no good, you’re not as good as they are.’ This feeling of inferiority guides people’s thinking inside their minds; it inhibits them from fulfilling the obligations a normal person should perform and from living the life of normal humanity they should be living, while it also directs the ways and means, and the direction and goals of how they regard people and things, how they comport themselves and act” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). Looking back on my time since I came to God’s house, I noticed that when I saw brothers and sisters gathering and fellowshipping openly, I felt a sense of liberation. When watering newcomers, I could fellowship my understanding, and this benefited the newcomers. But when I encountered those who were outgoing, and who had good caliber and strong communication skills, my feelings of inferiority would surface. For example, when I attended gatherings with Wang Lu, when I saw that she had good expressive abilities and fellowshipped the truth more clearly than I did, I felt inferior to her. Even when I saw that her fellowship had shortcomings and wanted to add something, I couldn’t find the courage to speak up, fearing that if I spoke poorly, people would laugh at me, so I’d just shrink back. It was the same when I attended a gathering with Li Hua and Wang Lu. I felt like a mute and an outsider throughout the whole gathering, and I didn’t dare to speak up when I should have fellowshipped. Even though my mouth was part of my body, it simply didn’t obey me at critical moments. The church had given me the opportunity to practice watering newcomers to make me cooperate with the sisters to fellowship God’s words and address the newcomers’ states and difficulties. But I was bound by my feelings of inferiority, and I couldn’t fellowship what I wanted to. I couldn’t even do my own duty. Was I not completely useless? Realizing this, I understood that if I continued living with these negative feelings, it would affect my duty and it would be a great loss for my life entry. So, I prayed to God, “God, I feel very repressed living with these feelings of inferiority. Please guide me to cast off these negative feelings and fulfill my role.”

Later, I asked myself, “Why do I not have the courage to fellowship whenever I’m around sisters with good caliber?” One day, I opened up to a sister about my state, and she sent me a passage of God’s words. Almighty God says: “When family elders often tell you that ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,’ it is to make you attach importance to having a good reputation, living a proud life, and not doing things that heap disgrace upon you. So does this saying guide people in a positive or negative way? Can it lead you to the truth? Can it lead you to understand the truth? (No, it cannot.) You can say with all certainty, ‘No, it cannot!’ Think about it, God says that people should comport themselves as honest people. When you have transgressed, or done something wrong, or done something that rebels against God and goes against the truth, you need to admit your mistake, gain an understanding of yourself, and keep dissecting yourself in order to achieve true repentance, and thereafter act in accordance with God’s words. So, if people are to comport themselves as honest people, does that conflict with the saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark’? (Yes.) How does it conflict? The saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark’ is intended to make people attach importance to living out their bright and colorful side and doing more things that make them look good—rather than doing things that are bad or dishonorable, or exposing their ugly side—and to prevent them from living without pride or dignity. For the sake of one’s reputation, for the sake of pride and honor, one cannot rubbish everything about oneself, let alone tell others about one’s dark side and shameful aspects, because one must live with pride and dignity. In order to have dignity one needs a good reputation, and to have a good reputation one needs to put up a pretense and dress oneself up. Doesn’t this conflict with comporting oneself as an honest person? (Yes.) When you comport yourself as an honest person, what you are doing is completely at odds with the saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark.’ If you want to comport yourself as an honest person, don’t attach importance to pride; a person’s pride isn’t worth a cent. Faced with the truth, one should expose oneself, not put up a pretense or create a false image. One must reveal to God one’s true thoughts, the mistakes one has made, the aspects that violate the truth principles, and so on, and also lay these things bare to one’s brothers and sisters. It is not a matter of living for the sake of one’s reputation, but rather, it is a matter of living for the sake of comporting oneself as an honest person, living for the sake of pursuing the truth, living for the sake of being a true created being, and living for the sake of satisfying God and being saved. But when you don’t understand this truth, and don’t understand God’s intentions, the things that are conditioned into you by your family tend to dominate. So when you do something wrong, you cover it up and put up a pretense, thinking, ‘I can’t say anything about this, and I won’t allow anyone else who knows about it to say anything either. If any of you say anything, I won’t let you off lightly. My reputation comes first. Living is for nothing if not for the sake of one’s reputation, because it’s more important than anything else. If a person loses their reputation, they lose all their dignity. So you can’t tell it like it is, you have to pretend, you have to cover things up, otherwise you will lose your reputation and dignity, and your life will be worthless. If no one respects you, then you’re just worthless, cheap trash.’ Is it possible to comport yourself as an honest person by practicing this way? Is it possible to be completely open and dissect yourself? (No, it isn’t.) Obviously, by doing this you are adhering to the saying ‘People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark’ that your family has conditioned into you” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (12)). From God’s words, I realized that I had been influenced by satanic poisons like “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,” and “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies” ever since I was a child. These sayings had made me place too much importance on vanity and pride, and since childhood, I had avoided anything that might damage my pride. At the thought of my introverted personality and my lack of eloquence, I would run and hide whenever guests came to our home because I was afraid of showing my awkwardness. Now, when I attended gatherings with Wang Lu, when I saw how well she expressed herself while I stumbled over my words, I was afraid that if I fellowshipped, the sisters would think I’m bad at expressing myself and I’d end up embarrassing myself, so I didn’t dare to speak. God asks us to be honest people and loyal in our duties, but I didn’t have the courage to fellowship when I saw problems because I wanted to protect my pride. I couldn’t even do the duties that I was able to do, and I saw that I was placing too much importance on my pride. The torments of Satan had caused me to lose all sense of integrity and dignity. I secretly resolved that whenever I encountered such situations again, I would have the right intentions and not disguise myself or cover up, and that I’d seek to be an honest person and fulfill my duties!

Later, I continued to seek a way to resolve my feelings of inferiority. I read more of God’s words: “Some people have been quite introverted since childhood; they are not fond of talking and struggle to associate with others. Even as adults in their thirties or forties, they still can’t overcome this personality: They aren’t adept at speech or good with words, nor are they good at associating with others. After they become a leader, because this personality trait limits and hinders their work to a certain degree, this often causes them distress and frustration, making them feel very constrained. Introversion and not being fond of talking are manifestations of normal humanity. Since they are manifestations of normal humanity, are they considered transgressions to God? No, they are not transgressions, and God will treat them correctly. Regardless of your problems, defects, or flaws, none of these are issues in God’s eyes. God looks at how you seek the truth, practice the truth, act according to the truth principles, and follow God’s way under the inherent conditions of normal humanity—these are what God looks at. Therefore, in matters that touch upon the truth principles, do not let the basic conditions, such as the caliber, instincts, personality, habits, and living patterns of normal humanity, restrict you. Of course, do not invest your energy and time in trying to overcome these basic conditions either, nor attempt to change them. For instance, if you have an introverted personality, and you aren’t fond of talking, and you aren’t good with words, and you aren’t adept at associating and interacting with people, none of these things are problems. Although extroverts love to talk, not everything they say is useful or accords with the truth, so being introverted is not a problem and you don’t need to try and change it. … Whatever your original personality has been, that remains your personality. Do not try to change your personality for the sake of attaining salvation; this is a fallacious idea—whatever personality you have, that is an objective fact that you cannot change. In terms of objective reasons for this, the result that God wants to achieve in His work has nothing to do with your personality. Whether you can attain salvation is also unrelated to your personality. In addition, whether you are a person who practices the truth and has the truth reality has nothing to do with your personality. Therefore, do not try to change your personality because you are doing certain duties or serving as a supervisor of a certain item of work—this is an erroneous idea. What should you do then? Regardless of your personality or innate conditions, you should adhere to and practice the truth principles. Ultimately, God does not measure whether you follow His way or can attain salvation based on your personality, or on what inherent caliber, skills, abilities, gifts, or talents you possess, and of course He also does not look at how much you have restrained your bodily instincts and needs. Instead, God looks at whether, while following God and doing your duties, you are practicing and experiencing His words, whether you have the willingness and resolve to pursue the truth, and ultimately, whether you have achieved practicing the truth and following God’s way. This is what God looks at. Do you understand this? (Yes, I understand.)” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). From God’s words, I understood that being introverted is an inherent condition in people and isn’t a problem in God’s eyes. God’s work is to change people’s corrupt dispositions, not to alter their caliber or personalities. People should practice the truth and do their duties to the best of their ability based on their inherent conditions, and when faced with improper intentions, they should rebel against those intentions and practice according to God’s words. This is the kind of person that God loves. I also understood that my duties should be performed before God, and that as I do my duties, I shouldn’t constantly worry about what others think. Gaining God’s approval is the most important thing. Even though I’m introverted and not good at speaking, I could still help resolve some of the newcomers’ states and problems, and when I fellowshipped God’s words, newcomers were able to understand and gain some benefits. My personality defects didn’t hinder me from doing my duties well. Additionally, I’d only believed in God for a short time, so it was normal to have shortcomings in my duties. I had to approach this correctly, fellowship as much as I understood, not disguise or conceal myself, and learn from my partnered sisters to make up for my shortcomings. This way, I can not only do my duties but also compensate for my deficiencies. Recognizing this, I felt the pressure on me lessened, and I became willing to change my incorrect state, and to work harmoniously with my partnered sisters to fulfill our duties with one heart and one mind.

Before long, I was selected as a church leader and I was cooperating with Sister Li Hui. Li Hui had been a preacher, and she had good caliber and work capabilities. The first time I gathered with her, a sister was in a poor state, and Li Hui fellowshipped God’s words with her, but the sister didn’t have much understanding. I thought about how I had just gone through something similar to her state, so I wanted to add something. But as soon as I opened my mouth to speak, my heart raced, and I kept thinking about how to word what I wanted to say. I worried about what Li Hui would think of me if I didn’t fellowship well, and I thought, “Forget it, I’ll just listen to her fellowship. If her fellowship can’t solve the sister’s problems, how could mine be any better?” With these thoughts, I felt no sense of burden, and I even started to feel a bit sleepy. I realized my state was wrong, that helping to resolve the sister’s state was my duty as well, and that I should do my best to fellowship what I understood. So I quickly prayed to God, “God, I was afraid that if I didn’t fellowship well, the sister would look down on me, and I ended up being just a follower again. God, I don’t want to carry on like this. Please give me the faith and courage I need to rebel against my flesh and practice the truth.” After praying, I felt much calmer, and I thought, “I’m just a newcomer, so my fellowship will surely have shortcomings, but even if the sister laughs at me, I still will fellowship what I understand before God.” I finally mustered up the courage to speak out in fellowship. To my surprise, through my fellowship, the sister was able to recognize her issues, and I felt a tremendous relief, and a sense of ease and enjoyment that I couldn’t put into words. I sincerely thanked God for guiding me to take this step. Later, when I attended gatherings with sisters who were good at speaking, I no longer felt constrained by concerns about my pride as I had in the past, and I’d fellowship as much as I understood. It feels so good to practice this way! Thank God!