By Shiji, China

I have been in poor health since I was young. When I was in my teens, I had leg pain. The doctor said I had rheumatoid arthritis and needed treatment. At that time, my family was poor and couldn’t afford treatment. When the pain became severe, I would take a couple of painkillers. I also wore extra clothes or sat on the heated brick bed to relieve the pain. At twenty, my condition worsened, and I was paralyzed. After a period of treatment, though I could walk, I was left with a lingering issue; my legs would hurt if I walked too much. Later, I came to believe in the Lord Jesus. To my surprise, more than a month later, my legs miraculously healed, and I was overjoyed. To thank the Lord for His grace, I was very active in giving testimonies and preaching the gospel as arranged by the church. I felt that by giving testimonies and preaching the gospel for the Lord, God would continue to watch over and protect me, and I might even receive greater grace. Since then, I clung to my faith like a lifeline, and my enthusiasm for believing in God greatly increased.

In October 2006, I accepted God’s work of the last days. I was incredibly excited to welcome the return of the Lord Jesus, thinking, “God expresses the truth in the last days to carry out the work of salvation. I must seize this opportunity to do more duties and prepare good deeds. As long as I sincerely believe in God and loyally do my duties, God will surely keep me safe and healthy throughout my life. When God’s work is complete, I will also enter the kingdom and enjoy great blessings. This is an enormous blessing!” Not long after believing in God, I began training in doing my duties. Regardless of what duties the church arranged, I obeyed. In 2012, I left home to rent a place in the city to do hosting. Even though it was hard and tiring, I had no complaints in my heart. Years passed quickly, and the leaders arranged for me to be in charge of several gathering groups. I didn’t know how to ride a bicycle, so I walked no matter how long the distance. Sometimes, if I went home for lunch and then headed out for gatherings, I would end up running late, so I just skipped lunch. Even when my legs hurt from walking too much, I didn’t mind. I felt that by doing my duties despite the hardships over the years, God would notice everything I did and would surely protect and bless me for my loyalty to my duties.

In 2019, my leg pain came back. Sometimes, if I walked too much, my knee would hurt so badly that I couldn’t bend it. At night, I couldn’t fully extend my leg while sleeping, and sometimes the pain would wake me up. I went to the hospital for an examination, and the doctor said that my right knee joint needed surgery to be replaced. At that time, my family didn’t have the money for treatment, and I was doing my duties. I thought, “If I do my duties properly, perhaps one day God will remove the illness.” So, I didn’t undergo surgery and instead took painkillers and applied plaster to manage the pain. During that time, sometimes I couldn’t sleep at night because of the pain. During the day, if I sat for too long, I couldn’t walk when I stood up, and I had to slowly massage my leg before I could walk a little bit.

In August 2023, seeing how severe my leg pain was, my son took me to the hospital for an X-ray. The doctor looked at the X-ray and said, “Why did you wait until it was so severe to seek treatment? Now, your right knee joint is already in bad shape, and both ankle joints are necrotic. Medication and acupuncture won’t help anymore. The best treatment plan is to replace both the ankle and knee joints. Replace one joint every three months, and you’ll be done in a year. Otherwise, you might end up paralyzed.” I nearly collapsed when I heard the doctor’s diagnosis. Although the pain in my leg had worsened over the years, and I was somewhat mentally prepared, I didn’t expect the situation to be so severe. If I became paralyzed, how would I live? My heart sank, and I held back tears. After returning home, I slumped onto the bed like a deflated balloon, feeling powerless, and my tears flowed uncontrollably. All my complaints and misunderstandings toward God came pouring out, “Back when I endured the pain and went up the mountain to pick hazelnuts to sell for doing hosting, I never complained no matter how hard it was. Later, when I was in charge of the group gatherings, I braved the wind and rain, never delaying my duties, and I didn’t complain about my leg pain. Why hasn’t God protected me? Now I need to replace my knee joint, and my family doesn’t have that much money! But if I don’t have the surgery, I’ll face paralysis.” During those days, whenever I thought about the pain and suffering I endured back when I was paralyzed, my heart would tremble, and my tears flowed uncontrollably. Seeing the brothers and sisters able to walk and run to do their duty, I really envied them! Why couldn’t I have two healthy legs like everyone else? I thought that by believing in God, He would always protect me, but I never expected this to happen. After the leader learned about my situation, she fellowshipped with me, “When illness befalls us, it carries God’s intentions; don’t misunderstand God! When we fall ill, we need to reflect on the corruptions and wrong intentions and viewpoints we revealed, and learn lessons from this.” The leader also advised me to repeatedly read specific chapters of God’s words that could address my state. After she left, I quickly found the words of God to read: “When God arranges for someone to get an illness, whether major or minor, His purpose in doing so is not to make you appreciate the ins and outs of being sick, the harm the illness does to you, the inconveniences and difficulties the illness causes you, and all the myriad feelings the illness causes you to feel—His purpose is not for you to appreciate sickness through being sick. Rather, His purpose is for you to learn the lessons from sickness, to learn how to grasp God’s intentions, to know the corrupt dispositions you reveal and the wrong attitudes you adopt toward God when you’re sick, and to learn how to submit to God’s sovereignty and arrangements, so that you can achieve true submission to God and be able to stand firm in your testimony—this is absolutely key. God wishes to save you and cleanse you through sickness. What about you does He wish to cleanse? He wishes to cleanse all your extravagant desires and demands toward God, and even cleanse the various plans, judgments, and schemes you make at all costs to survive and live. God does not ask you to make plans, He does not ask you to judge, and He does not allow you to have any extravagant desires toward Him; He requires only that you submit to Him and, in your practice and experience of submitting, to know your own attitude toward sickness, and to know your attitude toward these bodily conditions He gives to you, as well as your own personal wishes. When you come to know these things, you can then appreciate how beneficial it is for you that God has arranged the circumstances of the illness for you or that He has given you these bodily conditions; and you can appreciate just how helpful they are to changing your disposition, to you attaining salvation, and to your life entry” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). As I pondered God’s words, I felt brightened, “There is God’s good intention when this illness befalls me. God is not trying to eliminate me or make me appreciate the pain and all the myriad feelings brought by the illness, but to cleanse the impurities in my faith over the years.” I then pondered in my heart, “What does God want to purify in me?” I realized that all along, my belief in God was primarily to seek grace and hope for good health and a peaceful life. At first, when God granted me grace, I was very happy, and I was full of energy in expending myself in believing in God. But now, facing severe rheumatoid arthritis and the prospect of paralysis, I argued with God and complained about why He hadn’t protected me. I saw that my faith was no different from those in religion—just asking God for grace and blessings, without believing in Him sincerely and pursuing the truth. Realizing this, I felt a sense of guilt and self-reproach. I prayed to God, “God, over these years of believing in You, I have pursued with the wrong views and taken the wrong path. You have allowed the illness to come upon me, and this has Your good intention. I am willing to seek the truth and thoroughly reflect on myself.”

In my seeking, I came across two passages of God’s words and gained some understanding of my state. God says: “So many believe in Me only that I might heal them. So many believe in Me only that I might use My power to drive unclean spirits out from their bodies, and so many believe in Me simply that they might receive peace and joy from Me. So many believe in Me only to demand from Me greater material wealth. So many believe in Me just to spend this life in peace and to be safe and sound in the world to come. So many believe in Me to avoid the suffering of hell and to receive the blessings of heaven. So many believe in Me only for temporary comfort, yet do not seek to gain anything in the world to come. When I grant My fury to people and seize all the joy and peace that they once possessed, they become doubtful. When I grant to people the suffering of hell and reclaim the blessings of heaven, they fly into a rage. When people ask Me to heal them, and I pay them no heed and feel abhorrence toward them, they depart from Me to instead seek the way of evil medicine and sorcery. When I take away all that people have demanded from Me, they all disappear without a trace. Thus, I say that people have faith in Me because My grace is too abundant, and because there are far too many benefits to gain” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. What Do You Know of Faith?). “Man’s relationship with God is merely one of naked self-interest. It is a relationship between a receiver and a giver of blessings. To put it plainly, it is the relationship between an employee and an employer. The employee works hard only to receive the rewards bestowed by the employer. There is no affection in such an interests-based relationship, only transaction. There is no loving or being loved, only charity and mercy. There is no understanding, only helpless suppressed indignation and deception. There is no intimacy, only an uncrossable chasm” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Appendix 3: Man Can Only Be Saved Amidst God’s Management). After reading God’s words, I felt they pierced my heart, and I felt pained, as if God were judging me face-to-face, exposing my state in vivid detail. I realized that my belief in God and doing my duties was intended to have God keep me safe, grant me a peaceful life, and provide me with good health. It is exactly as what God exposed: “So many believe in Me only that I might heal them” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. What Do You Know of Faith?). Looking back, when I was healed from my illness after believing in the Lord Jesus, I clung to Him like a lifeline and firmly believed that God was the God who blesses people. I thought that as long as I truly believed in God, suffered more, and expended more, God would keep me in good health and grant me a peaceful life free from illness and disaster. After accepting Almighty God’s work of the last days, I became even more enthusiastic in expending myself. To do my duties, I rented a place away from home to host the brothers and sisters. Later, when I was responsible for group gatherings, I braved all kinds of weather and long distances, believing that God would see my responsibility and faithfulness in doing my duties and would surely keep me safe throughout my life. But this time, facing severe illness and the prospect of paralysis, I turned against God, angrily complaining against Him, using my sacrifices and expenditures to argue and settle scores with Him, just as God’s words exposed: “Those without humanity are incapable of truly loving God. When the environment is safe and secure, or there are profits to be made, they are totally obedient toward God, but once that which they desire is compromised or finally refuted, they immediately revolt. Even in the space of just one night, they may go from a smiling, ‘kind-hearted’ person to an ugly-looking and ferocious killer” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. God’s Work and Man’s Practice). When God granted me grace, I was totally submissive to Him. But when He didn’t satisfy me for a moment, I complained about Him. Wasn’t I totally devoid of conscience? Believing like this and yet still hoping to receive blessings from God and enter the kingdom of heaven, I was truly shameless! This illness revealed me thoroughly. I saw that my belief in God and my performance of duty over the years were not sincere at all. It was to get God to heal me and to receive blessings that I made my efforts. I was using my sacrifices and expenditure to attempt to bargain with God. On the surface, it seemed like I was keeping up with God’s new work, but my perspective on what to pursue hadn’t changed. I was still pursuing grace and blessings like those in the Age of Grace, believing just to eat my fill of loaves. Before, I had fellowshipped with the brothers and sisters, saying that God was no longer doing the work of the Age of Grace, that in the last days, God is doing the work of judgment and purifying people, and that only by pursuing the truth and having a change in life disposition can we be saved and enter the kingdom. But I wasn’t pursuing the truth or a change in my disposition; instead, I was solely focused on pursuing grace and blessings. What could I possibly gain from believing in God like this? In the end, if I couldn’t understand the truth and my corrupt disposition couldn’t be transformed, wouldn’t I still be destroyed? I then thought of Paul. He believed in God with personal motives and impurities, using his expenditure, effort, and hard work to attempt to bargain with God, openly threatening God and demanding a crown of righteousness from Him, thus provoking God’s disposition and receiving His righteous punishment. Wasn’t my pursuit the same in nature as Paul’s? After running around and expending myself for God, I demanded that God heal me and keep me healthy. When God didn’t act according to my wishes, I argued with and clamored against Him. This was resisting God. Thinking of all this, I felt deep sorrow and shed tears of regret. I recalled being paralyzed for over two months when I was twenty; the doctors said my condition was incurable, yet I was able to stand and walk again. It was God who had been protecting me all along. Although I was left with a lingering pain in my leg, it was because of the illness that I came before God and believed in the Lord Jesus. Later, God worked through the brothers and sisters to preach the gospel to me, and I was fortunate again to accept God’s gospel of the last days, enjoying the watering and provision of God’s words. God has shown me so much love! But now, because God hadn’t healed me as I wanted, I rebelled against Him and complained about Him. I was entirely devoid of conscience! In my heart, I silently prayed, “God, it is Your words that have awakened my numb heart. I only now realize that I have been attempting to bargain with You in my belief. I have enjoyed so much of Your word’s watering and provision, yet I didn’t think of repaying Your love; instead, I misunderstood and complained about You. I’m truly devoid of humanity! God, I am willing to repent and change.”

Afterward, I read these words of God: “Job did not talk of trades with God, and made no requests or demands of God. His praising of God’s name was because of the great power and authority of God in ruling all things, and it was not dependent on whether he gained blessings or was struck by disaster. He believed that regardless of whether God blesses people or brings disaster upon them, God’s power and authority will not change, and thus, regardless of a person’s circumstances, God’s name should be praised. That man is blessed by God is because of God’s sovereignty, and when disaster befalls man, so, too, it is because of God’s sovereignty. God’s power and authority rule over and arrange everything about man; the vagaries of man’s fortune are the manifestation of God’s power and authority, and regardless of one’s viewpoint, God’s name should be praised. This is what Job experienced and came to know during the years of his life. All of Job’s thoughts and actions reached the ears of God and arrived before God, and were seen as important by God. God cherished this knowledge of Job, and treasured Job for having such a heart. This heart awaited God’s command always, and in all places, and no matter what the time or place it welcomed whatever befell him. Job made no demands of God. What he demanded of himself was to wait for, accept, face, and submit to all of the arrangements that came from God; Job believed this to be his duty, and it was precisely what was wanted by God” (The Word, Vol. 2. On Knowing God. God’s Work, God’s Disposition, and God Himself II). After reading God’s words, I felt deeply ashamed; I wished I could just disappear. Job believed in God without any personal motives or impurities, not considering whether he would gain blessings or face misfortune. Regardless of whether God gave or took away, he had no complaints. Job stood in the position of a created being, submitting to and worshiping God. During his trials, Job lost all his wealth, his children, and even suffered from painful boils all over. His suffering was immense! Even when sitting in ashes, scraping his sores with a piece of pottery, Job did not complain about God, nor did he ask God to reduce his suffering. He could still praise God’s name and stand firm in his witness for God. Thinking of Job’s humanity and reason, I felt deeply ashamed. Over the years of believing in God, when I received God’s blessings, I joyfully thanked God in my heart. But when my leg condition worsened, I complained about God, wanting to argue and settle accounts with Him. Thinking about my behavior, I hated myself and felt deeply indebted to God! Although I am worlds apart from Job, lacking his humanity and his great faith, I was willing to follow Job’s example. No matter what happened to my body, even if I became paralyzed or died, I wouldn’t complain about God; I would fulfill my duty to repay God’s love.

Later, my son wanted to take me to Beijing for a checkup. Before leaving, I made a prayer of submission to God, “Almighty God, I thank You! It is Your mercy that has kept me alive until today. If not for Your protection, I would have died long ago. But I have no conscience; I didn’t know to be grateful or repay Your love. These years, I have been constantly attempting to bargain with You, rebelled against, and resisted You. God, You have not treated me according to my transgressions, but have given me the chance to repent. I am willing to truly repent. No matter what the diagnosis I get in Beijing is, I will submit to Your orchestrations and arrangements. Even if I become paralyzed or die, that is Your righteousness; whatever You arrange is good.” After the prayer, I felt very much at ease and relieved. When I arrived in Beijing, the doctor said my condition was very serious; a part of the bone on the inner side of my right knee had already turned black and was necrotic, and if it got worse, it could develop into bone cancer, and if I didn’t have surgery soon, there would be no more chances. Hearing this, I wasn’t as scared as I had been before. I just thought about submitting to God’s orchestrations and arrangements. Since the side effects of the surgery were so severe, and it would be too painful, I didn’t go through with the surgery and just got some medicine before returning home. The night I came back from Beijing, I sat on the bed massaging my leg, thinking to myself, “Let me see if I can straighten my leg.” I tried to slowly stretch it out, and to my surprise, it actually straightened! I slowly bent it back and tried to stretch it out again, and it straightened again! I was overjoyed!

In the following days, my leg gradually stopped hurting, and I could walk more easily than before. The brothers and sisters said my posture was straighter and I looked healthier. Although my leg still isn’t as good as most people’s, I am very content, and I’m deeply grateful to God. I saw that God used this illness to purify the impurities in my belief. I was too intransigent. All these years, I’ve believed in God while holding onto religious viewpoints, pursuing blessings and grace rather than focusing on pursuing the truth. My corrupt disposition hasn’t changed much over the years of believing in God, and I’ve wasted more than a decade of time. From now on, I should earnestly pursue the truth and not attempt to bargain with God. Now the church has assigned me to supervise a small group gathering again, and I am deeply grateful to God for this. I think about how to loyally fulfill my duty, putting in as much as I can, without engendering any feelings of indebtedness or any regrets.

After this experience, I realize that this illness is God’s grace and blessing to me. Through this illness, I came before God, and it revealed my erroneous viewpoints of pursuing blessings through belief. The exposure of God’s words helped me see that in my belief I was merely seeking to eat my fill of loaves, and my effort and expenditure were an attempt to bargain with God, not genuine belief. It is through God’s words that my erroneous viewpoints on believing in Him have undergone some change. Thank God!