By Chen Gang, China

When I was young, adults often made fun of me when I spoke. At that ignorant age, I didn’t understand what was going on and it was only when I grew up that I realized I had a stutter. I tried to fix it, but I just couldn’t, so it really bothered me. Because of this flaw, I was often ridiculed and mocked by others, and gradually, I became less talkative and didn’t want to see people, preferring to be alone. When I was in school, I never went to my classmates’ parties and during winter and summer vacations, I didn’t want to go out or visit relatives. I became very withdrawn and had really low self-esteem. Sometimes at home, when my mom heard me stuttering, she would nag me, “Can’t you speak slower? Don’t rush! If you keep this up, you won’t even be able to find a wife when you grow up!” After I started working, a colleague heard me stuttering one time and teased me, saying, “Why are you stuttering? You’re really quite funny!” Although it was a joke, my face burned with embarrassment, and I hated myself for not being able to fix my impediment.

In September 2008, I accepted God’s new work. When the brothers and sisters noticed my stutter, instead of mocking or belittling me, they encouraged and helped me. Sometimes when I came across unfamiliar brothers and sisters in gatherings, I would get nervous. When I stumbled while reading God’s words, the brothers and sisters would read along with me, and they encouraged me not to feel constrained. I felt a special warmth in God’s house. Three years later, the brothers and sisters elected me as a church leader, and I knew this was God uplifting me. But doing the duties of a leader involves fellowshipping truths and resolving problems, and gathering with brothers and sisters often, and in large gatherings in particular, I would feel especially constrained by my stutter and get extremely nervous, afraid that if I stumbled while fellowshipping, I would embarrass myself and the brothers and sisters would laugh at me. I remember at one gathering, I saw a sister I didn’t know well, and I was worried about what she might think of me if I didn’t fellowship well. As a result, I stuttered badly while reading God’s words. The sister couldn’t hold it in and burst out laughing. This was a serious hit to my self-esteem. Although the sister sincerely apologized to me, I still felt very hurt inside and I always felt inferior, so I often complained, “Why do I have this flaw? Why can’t I fix it?” Later, when interacting with brothers and sisters, I became very sensitive, and after each time reading God’s words or fellowshipping, I would pay close attention to the brothers’ and sisters’ facial expressions, and when I saw any unnatural movements, I would think, “Are they laughing at me?” This would make me even more nervous and sometimes I got so nervous that my palms would sweat. I eventually became afraid of gatherings, and in large gatherings in particular, I would pass the responsibilities off to my partnered brother. I lived in this painful and repressed state for so long, and eventually I just couldn’t take the pressure anymore, so I resigned. After resigning, I took on a text-based duty, spending all my days selecting articles and not having to speak or interact with others, and so no longer had to feel constrained by my stutter.

In September 2020, I was once again elected as a church leader, but due to the high pressure of the work and frequent interactions with unfamiliar brothers and sisters, my stuttering problem worsened. When it was time for gatherings, I was deeply concerned about how others saw me, and I felt so constrained that I couldn’t help but miss the days when I was doing the text-based duty, where I didn’t have to interact with too many people, and the pressure was lower. I hoped to return to the text-based duty. Unexpectedly, in July 2021, the brothers and sisters nominated me as a preacher. I thought to myself, “How is this supposed to work? Being a church leader is already enough pressure; I don’t dare hope to be promoted again.” But based on reason, I still went to participate in the election. During the election gathering, I thought about how a preacher interacts with many people and is responsible for many churches, and how their work depends on fellowshipping the truth to solve problems. I wondered: With my severe stuttering, would I be able to fellowship clearly? If the brothers and sisters laughed at me again, wouldn’t I lose face completely? In the end, I dropped out. After this, a few more elections came up. I knew that after believing in God for many years, I should consider His intentions and take on more responsibility. But as soon as I thought about my impediment, I shrank back, dropping out each time.

In December 2023, I received a letter from the leadership, saying that the brothers and sisters had recommended me as the district leader and wanted me to participate in the election. I thought to myself, “Given my flaw, I’m not suitable to participate at all, and even if I am elected, I won’t be able to handle the responsibility. What should I do?” If I dropped out, I feared it was not upholding the church’s work, but if I participated, I felt unqualified. I felt very conflicted. During one of my devotionals, I read two passages of God’s words: “Stuttering and stammering when speaking—what kind of problem is this? (An innate condition.) This is an innate condition and also a type of physical deficiency. Of course, the forms of stuttering differ. Some stutterers stretch out a single syllable, while others keep repeating a single syllable, taking all day without being able to utter a complete sentence. In short, this is an innate condition and of course it is also a type of physical deficiency. Does this involve a corrupt disposition? (No.) It does not involve a corrupt disposition. If someone says, ‘You stammer when you speak; you sure are cunning!’ or, ‘You even stutter when you talk; how can you be so arrogant?’—are such statements accurate? (No.) Stuttering, as a deficiency or flaw, does not relate to any aspect of a person’s corrupt dispositions. Therefore, stuttering is an innate condition and a type of physical deficiency. Clearly, it does not involve a person’s corrupt dispositions and has no connection to them whatsoever” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (9)). “There are some problems that cannot be resolved by people. For example, you may be prone to becoming nervous when speaking to others; when you are faced with situations, you may have your own ideas and viewpoints but cannot articulate them clearly. You feel particularly nervous when many people are present; you speak incoherently and your mouth trembles. Some people even stutter; for others, if there are members of the opposite sex present, they are even less able to articulate themselves, simply not knowing what to say or what to do. Is such a situation easy to overcome? (No.) At least in the short term, it’s not easy for you to overcome this flaw because it’s part of your innate conditions. … Therefore, if you can overcome this defect, this flaw, in the short term, then do so. If it is difficult to overcome, then don’t bother with it, don’t struggle against it, and don’t challenge yourself. Of course, if you cannot overcome it, you should not be negative. Even if you can never overcome it in your lifetime, God will not condemn you, for this is not your corrupt disposition. Your stage fright, your nervousness and fear, these manifestations do not reflect your corrupt disposition; whether they are innate or caused by the environment later in life, at most, they are a defect, a flaw of your humanity. If you cannot change it in the long term, or even in a lifetime, do not dwell on it, do not let it constrain you, nor should you become negative because of it, for this is not your corrupt disposition; there is no use in trying to change it or struggle against it. If you cannot change it, then accept it, let it exist, and treat it correctly, because you can coexist with this defect, this flaw; your having it does not affect your following God and doing your duties. As long as you can accept the truth and do your duties to the best of your abilities, you can still be saved; it does not affect your acceptance of the truth and does not affect your salvation. Therefore, you should not often be constrained by a certain defect or flaw in your humanity, nor should you often become negative and discouraged, or even give up your duty and give up pursuing the truth, missing the chance to be saved, for the same reason. It’s totally not worth it; that is what a foolish, ignorant person would do” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). From God’s words, I understood that stuttering and stammering are innate conditions, physical defects, and not a corrupt disposition or something that God condemns. It doesn’t affect my pursuit of the truth or my pursuit of salvation. I should not be constrained by my defects. If because of a physical defect, I gave up pursuing the truth, and the opportunity to be promoted and nurtured, which delayed the vital matter of salvation, wouldn’t I be sacrificing the greater for the lesser? Wouldn’t that be truly foolish and unworthy? Reading these words from God, I felt really comforted. In hindsight, I had always placed a lot of my attention on my speech defect since childhood, believing it often inconvenienced and impacted me in my life, work, and duties, making me uncommunicative and particularly reclusive, and giving me low self-esteem, meaning I had no confidence or motivation in anything I did. During gatherings, when brothers and sisters openly fellowshipped their experiential understanding with one another, it should be freeing and liberating, with it also being easier to receive the work of the Holy Spirit through fellowship, but because of my stuttering, I felt oppressed and unable to find release in gatherings, even dreading them and avoiding them whenever possible, meaning I missed many opportunities to gain the truth. When faced with church elections, I always gave up the chance to participate, and when the church work urgently needed people to cooperate, I couldn’t take on the responsibility and failed to consider God’s intention. I saw how I was often bound and constrained by my stuttering, living in a state of pain and repression and that all of this was caused by my inability to correctly view my defects. I didn’t understand the truth, and I didn’t know how to view people and matters according to God’s words. This not only bound and constrained me but also caused me to repeatedly refuse my duties. I even delimited myself, believing that with my stutter, I was not suitable to be a leader, causing me to misunderstand and distance myself from God—how foolish I was! I couldn’t continue to be so negative, I had to treat my defect correctly and face this election calmly.

A few days later, I learned that two sisters couldn’t participate in the election due to particular reasons. I thought to myself, “These two sisters were the most likely to be elected, so if they can’t participate, won’t my chances of being elected be greater?” Thinking about my impediment, I immediately felt a lot of pressure. It would be one thing to lose face in the church, but if I became a district leader, that kind of disgrace would be even greater. I shared my state with a sister, and she pointed out that I was too concerned about how others saw me, and placing too much emphasis on pride and vanity. With the sister’s reminder, I read more of God’s words: “All people have some incorrect states within them, like negativity, weakness, despondency, and fragility; or they have base intents; or they are constantly troubled by their pride, selfish desires, and self-interest; or they think that they are of poor caliber, and they experience some negative states. It will be very hard for you to obtain the work of the Holy Spirit if you always live in these states. If it is hard for you to obtain the work of the Holy Spirit, then the active elements within you will be few, and the negative elements will come out and disturb you. People always rely on their own will to repress those negative and adverse states, but no matter how they repress them, they cannot shake them off. The main reason for this is that people cannot thoroughly discern these negative and adverse things; they cannot see their essence clearly. This makes it very hard for them to rebel against the flesh and Satan. Also, people always get stuck in these negative, melancholic, and degenerate states, and they do not pray or look up to God, instead they just muddle through them. As a result, the Holy Spirit does not work in them, and they are consequently unable to understand the truth, they lack a path in everything they do, and they cannot see any matter clearly. There are too many negative and adverse things within you, and they have filled your heart, so you are often negative, melancholic in spirit, and you stray farther and farther from God, and become weaker and weaker. If you cannot gain the Holy Spirit’s enlightenment and work, you will not be able to escape these states, and your negative state will not change, because if the Holy Spirit is not working in you, you cannot find a path. Because of these two reasons, it is very hard for you to cast off your negative state and enter into a normal one. Though when you perform your duty now, you withstand hardship, work hard, put in a lot of effort, and you are able to renounce your family and career, and give up everything, the negative states within you still have not been truly transformed. There are too many entanglements that bind you from pursuing and practicing the truth, such as your notions, imaginings, knowledge, philosophies for worldly dealings, selfish desires, and corrupt dispositions. These adverse things have filled your heart” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). From God’s words, I understood that I had always been passive when it came to elections, not only because of how I was constrained by my stuttering, but also due to the bonds of vanity and pride. I thought “The more responsibilities I have, the more brothers and sisters I’ll have to interact with, and as a leader, I’d need to fellowship the truth to solve problems and if I stutter during fellowship at gatherings, more people will find out about my stutter. Won’t that drag my name through the mud?” With these thoughts in mind, I became afraid to participate in elections, and I didn’t want to be promoted or nurtured. I was living by the satanic poison of “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,” and always trying my best to cover up my flaws so that others wouldn’t see my weaknesses. I didn’t consider the needs of the church’s work, and repeatedly gave up the opportunity to run in elections. Even when the church’s work urgently needed people’s collaboration, I still just looked on and dropped out. I was truly selfish and despicable! The church had watered and nurtured me for many years, and I should have shouldered the church’s work. This was also my responsibility as a created being, and I should have accepted and submitted to it unconditionally. But to save face, I avoided and refused to run in elections, not wanting to take on the burden for God’s house, and not recognizing this honor at all. This is something that God detests and hates. It was only then that I understood that my life of oppression and suffering had been caused by my overbearing focus on vanity and pride, and my excessive concern about others’ opinions. At the same time, I felt God’s earnest intention. God didn’t disdain me because of my flaws, but instead gave me opportunities to be promoted and nurtured again and again. When I was constrained and bound by my defects and corrupt disposition, becoming despondent and shrinking back, God used His words to enlighten and illuminate me, helping me understand the truth and break free from the bonds of negative emotions. I saw that God’s love was so real, and I knew I shouldn’t continue to be passive and despondent, but that I had to let go of my wrong intention and properly cooperate and participate in the election.

Later, I read more of God’s words: “If your humanity’s reason is normal, you should face your defects and flaws in the correct manner; you should acknowledge and accept them. This is beneficial for you. Accepting them does not mean being constrained by them, nor does it mean often being negative because of them, but rather not being constrained by them, recognizing that you are just an ordinary member of corrupt humankind, with your own flaws and defects, with nothing to boast of, that it is God who lifts people up to do their duty, and that God intends to work His word and life within them, letting them achieve salvation and escape Satan’s influence—that this is entirely God lifting people up. Everyone has flaws and defects. You should allow your flaws and defects to coexist with yourself; do not avoid them or cover them up, and do not often feel repressed inside or even always feel inferior because of them. You are not inferior; if you can do your duty with all your heart, all your strength, and all your mind, to the best of your ability, and you have a sincere heart, then you are as precious as gold before God. If you cannot pay a price and lack loyalty in doing your duty, then even if your innate conditions are better than those of the average person, you are not precious before God, you are not even worth a grain of sand” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). From God’s words, I understood that God does not make excessive demands of people, but has them act according to their ability. When they act according to their caliber and work abilities, fully utilize their potential based on their innate conditions, and cooperate with Him wholeheartedly and to the best of their ability, God will be pleased. God does not want people’s pretense, but prefers that they do their duties with an honest heart. I reflected on how my stuttering gave me low self-esteem and made me despondent, sensitive, and fragile, and how I cared so much about others’ opinions, and how as a result, I kept refusing to participate in elections, and was unwilling to take on heavy responsibilities. Now I understood that my stuttering was a defect that was difficult to overcome, and that I had to learn to accept it and view it correctly. When necessary, I should open up about my defect to brothers and sisters, without disguising or covering it up. This is the attitude I should have toward my flaw.

A few days later, the election results were announced, and I was elected as a district leader. I was deeply touched, and I silently prayed to God, “God, being elected as a leader is Your exaltation. I will cherish this opportunity to do my duty and I am willing to try my best to do it well to repay Your love.” Afterward, I wondered, “How can I do my duty well despite my defect?” One day, I read two passages of God’s words which moved me deeply, and pointed out the path of practice for me. God says: “Do not try to change your personality because you are doing certain duties or serving as a supervisor of a certain item of work—this is an erroneous idea. What should you do then? Regardless of your personality or innate conditions, you should adhere to and practice the truth principles. Ultimately, God does not measure whether you follow His way or can attain salvation based on your personality, or on what inherent caliber, skills, abilities, gifts, or talents you possess, and of course He also does not look at how much you have restrained your bodily instincts and needs. Instead, God looks at whether, while following God and doing your duties, you are practicing and experiencing His words, whether you have the willingness and resolve to pursue the truth, and ultimately, whether you have achieved practicing the truth and following God’s way. This is what God looks at” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). “Pursuing the truth is the most important thing, no matter from which perspective you view it. You can avoid the defects and deficiencies of humanity, but you can never evade the path of pursuing the truth. Regardless of how perfect or noble your humanity may be, or whether you may have fewer flaws and defects, and possess more strengths, than other people, this does not signify that you understand the truth, nor can it replace your pursuit of the truth. On the contrary, if you pursue the truth, understand a lot of the truth, and have an adequately deep and practical understanding of it, this will compensate for many defects and problems in your humanity. For example, say that you are timid and introverted, you have a stutter, and you’re not very well-educated—that is, you have a lot of defects and inadequacies—but you have practical experience, and though you stutter when you talk, you can still fellowship the truth clearly, and this fellowship edifies everybody when they hear it, resolves problems, enables people to emerge from negativity, and relieves them of their complaints and misunderstandings about God. See, though you stammer out your words, they can still resolve problems—how important these words are! When laymen hear them, they say that you are an uncouth person, and you don’t follow grammar rules when you speak, and sometimes the words you use aren’t really fitting either. It may be that you use regional lingo, or everyday language, and that your words lack the class and style of those of highly educated people who speak very eloquently. However, your fellowship contains the truth reality, it can resolve people’s difficulties, and after people hear it, all the dark clouds around them disappear, and all their problems are solved. What do you think, isn’t understanding the truth important? (It is.) Say that you do not understand the truth, and even though you have some intellectual knowledge and you speak eloquently, when everyone hears you talk, they think: ‘Your words are just doctrines, there isn’t the slightest bit of the truth reality in them, and they can’t resolve real problems at all, so aren’t these words of yours all empty? You don’t understand the truth. Aren’t you simply a Pharisee?’ Though you spoke many doctrines, the problems remain unresolved, and you think to yourself: ‘I was speaking quite sincerely and earnestly, why haven’t you understood what I said?’ You spoke a whole load of doctrines, and those who were negative remain negative, and those who had misunderstandings about God still have those misunderstandings, and none of the difficulties that exist in their performance of their duties have been resolved—this means that the words you spoke were just drivel. No matter how many defects and flaws there are in your humanity, if the words you speak contain the truth reality, then your fellowship can resolve problems; if the words you speak are all doctrines, and they are devoid of the slightest bit of practical knowledge, then no matter how much you talk, you will not be able to resolve people’s real problems. No matter how people view you, if the things you say do not accord with the truth, and they cannot address people’s states, or resolve people’s difficulties, then people will not want to listen to them. So, which is more important: the truth or people’s own conditions? (The truth is more important.) Pursuing the truth and understanding the truth are the most important things. So, no matter what defects you have in terms of your humanity or your innate conditions, you must not be constrained by them, instead you should pursue the truth, and compensate for your various defects by understanding the truth, and if you discover some shortcomings in yourself, you should hurry to correct them. Some people don’t focus on pursuing the truth, and instead always focus on resolving the difficulties, flaws, and defects in their humanity, and rectifying the problems with their humanity, and it turns out that they put in several years of effort without getting clear results, and consequently feel disappointed with themselves, and think that their humanity is too poor and that they’re irredeemable. Isn’t this very foolish?” (The Word, Vol. 7. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). God’s words touched me deeply, and I saw that God truly practically shows us the way. In doing our duty, we shouldn’t be constrained by personality, caliber, or age. God’s measure of whether someone performs their duty in a way that is up to standard is not based on whether the person is introverted or extroverted, their status level, nor on their caliber or age, much less whether they have any flaws or impediments, but on whether they can practice the truth and perform their duties according to the truth principles, and on whether they are someone who follows God’s way. For example, in the duty of leadership, it is crucial to solve the problems in brothers’ and sisters’ life entry and duties. So long as I focus on equipping myself with the truth and practicing it, have the reality, and the enlightenment and illumination of the Holy Spirit in my fellowship on the truth, and am able to solve the problems of brothers and sisters and point out the path of practice, then even if I get tongue-tied, the brothers and sisters will still benefit from it. If I do not work hard on pursuing the truth, then even if I speak fluently and eloquently, if I cannot fellowship the truth or solve real problems, I would not be able to do the work of leadership. I always used to think that to do the duty of a leader, one must at least have good speaking skills and be articulate, and that someone like me, who stutters and gets tongue-tied, was not suited for leadership duties, so I kept refusing to run for leadership. But it turns out that my standards for electing leaders were wrong. The election of leaders in God’s house is based on principles, not on how a person appears on the outside, nor on what congenital defects a person may have, but on whether the person pursues the truth, and on their humanity and caliber. The more I thought about it, the more I understood that my congenital defects and flaws were not obstacles or hindrances to doing my duty, and that they couldn’t be used as excuses to refuse my duty. Understanding the truth and practicing according to God’s requirements are the keys to doing one’s duty well! I have gained a path of practice for moving forward, and although I stutter and speak haltingly, I am willing to do my duty according to God’s requirements, to focus on equipping myself with the truth principles, to put aside my vanity and pride, and to be down-to-earth and grounded in how I conduct myself and do things. Now, when I fellowship in gatherings or read God’s words, I still stutter, but I can treat this correctly, and my mindset has become much calmer. Sometimes, I consciously work to overcome it, and I remember when brothers and sisters used to remind me, saying, “You speak a bit fast, which makes stuttering more likely; if you speak a little slower, it’ll be better,” and “When you get stuck, you can elongate the last syllable; this way, you won’t be as likely to stutter.” When fellowshipping in gatherings, I try to slow down my speech and draw out my words as needed, consciously making an effort to cooperate. I no longer feel as nervous, which has made me more liberated in gatherings. One time, I went to meet with a text-based work supervisor to discuss work, but I was a bit worried, thinking, “He understands the principles better than I do. What if I get nervous and stutter badly? What will he think of me?” But then I thought about how the work had encountered difficulties, and about how the previous letter hadn’t achieved good results, so it was necessary to meet in person to discuss and resolve the issue. I couldn’t let my stuttering stop me from solving the problem as that would delay the work. When I thought this way, I no longer felt constrained, so I arranged a gathering with the supervisor to discuss the work.

Looking back at how I repeatedly refused my duties due to my stuttering, to eventually being able to calmly accept my duties without being constrained by my stuttering, I see that I have been comforted, encouraged, and guided by God’s words throughout this whole journey. I sincerely thank God from the bottom of my heart!