By Ding Xiao, China

In October 2015, I was responsible for video work in the church. Two months later, due to the heavy workload, the church leaders arranged for Sister Wang Yan to collaborate with me. I was very happy at that time because we had known each other before. She had been making videos for over a year, and her skills were quite good. I thought that with the two of us working together, we should be able to do the work better. Later on, I patiently taught her how to check videos according to the principles. Gradually, she grasped some of the principles.

Once, I had to be away for a few days. After I returned, Wang Yan told me that she had reviewed and directly submitted several videos after confirming they didn’t have any issues, and that she had also handled some tasks assigned by the leaders. Hearing this made me somewhat unhappy, thinking, “Before, the leaders would always discuss and handle issues with me. I was away for just a few days, yet they began assigning you all these tasks!” I felt not valued by the leaders and became quite upset, so I reluctantly responded to her. Seeing the brothers and sisters turn to Wang Yan for handling many matters, I felt neglected all of a sudden. Seeing her busily responding to questions with great enthusiasm, I felt even more unsettled, thinking, “How did everything that was supposed to be mine become yours now? I have been doing this duty longer than you, and I used to be your supervisor. In terms of experience, fellowshipping the truth to solve problems, and professional skills, I am not inferior to you!” Unwilling to be sidelined, I proactively contacted the brothers and sisters to understand their work progress, telling them I had returned and that they could discuss matters with me as usual. To stabilize my position, I didn’t want Wang Yan to be too involved in the work, and I handled some tasks alone, without communicating with her as before, and then I’d just inform her afterward. A few times, when she asked me about some of the details relating to the work, I brushed her off, saying I was too busy. Seeing how she clearly wanted to say something, I felt a pang of guilt, wondering if I might have gone too far. Since we’d cooperated on work together, we needed to look into and discuss matters with one another, but when I thought about how allowing her to participate in and get to grips with the work would make her the go-to person, leaving me no chance to make a name for myself, ultimately, I didn’t let her participate in the work. One day, the leaders sent us a video of a hymn for us to check for issues. After watching it, I didn’t find any problems, but to my surprise, Wang Yan suggested many detailed modifications, and the leaders agreed with her views. This made me really upset, and I thought, “The leaders used to think highly of me, but now you’re stepping into the spotlight. I’ve been doing this duty longer than you, and I used to supervise your work, but now that I look inferior to you, what are others going to think of me?” Afterward, when checking videos, I didn’t want to discuss them with her and just considered and evaluated them on my own. Later, the leaders said my suggested modifications were appropriate. The leaders’ approval made me feel really happy. When I saw the leaders point out Wang Yan’s deviations and problems, I felt secretly pleased, thinking, “After all, I’ve been doing this duty longer than you and I know more!”

A while later, the leaders asked us to organize a team meeting for everyone to study and exchange professional skills. Since Wang Yan’s skills were better than mine, she was the one to host the meeting. Although she was a bit nervous, she performed normally, and the brothers and sisters actively participated in the discussions and exchanges. I felt jealous and unbalanced again, thinking, “You’re stealing the spotlight!” During the meeting, Wang Yan occasionally asked me whether I had anything to add. I thought, “Now everyone favors you, you can just host this all by yourself. I don’t want to be your sidekick!” So, I ignored her. Seeing me not speaking, she had to consider my feelings while hosting the meeting. After the meeting wrapped up, more and more brothers and sisters sought help from her and my feelings of jealousy and resentment intensified. I thought, “If you weren’t here, everyone would be coming to me with their problems. Now you’re gaining the upper hand!” I became very upset. Wang Yan seemed to sense my thoughts and cautiously asked whether I wanted to join their study. Her invitation made me even less willing to join her, and I thought, “It’s like I’m becoming her underling. How degrading!” So I declined, claiming to be too busy with work. Afterward, although I was busy with work, my heart remained unsettled. Wang Yan was getting more and more chances to shine. When I saw her excitedly talking about the gains from the study, I thought she was showing off, and I felt choked up with negative emotions and really distressed. I came before God to pray and seek, and then I came across these words of God: “Some people always fear that others are better than they are or above them, that other people will be recognized while they get overlooked, and this leads them to attack and exclude others. Is this not a case of being envious of people with talent? Is that not selfish and despicable? What kind of disposition is this? It is maliciousness! Those who only think about their own interests, who only satisfy their own selfish desires, without thinking about others or considering the interests of God’s house, have a bad disposition, and God has no love for them” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). “When it comes to anything that involves reputation, status, or an opportunity to shine—when you hear that the house of God plans to nurture various kinds of talented individuals, for example—every one of your hearts leaps in anticipation, each of you always wants to make a name for yourself and to step into the spotlight. You all want to fight for status and reputation. You are ashamed of this, but you would feel bad if you don’t do so. You feel envy, hatred, and make complaints whenever you see someone stand out, and think that it is unfair: ‘Why can’t I stand out? Why do other people always get the spotlight? Why is it never my turn?’ And after you feel resentment, you try to repress it, but you cannot. You pray to God and feel better for a while, but when you encounter this sort of situation again, you still cannot overcome it. Is this not a manifestation of an immature stature? When people are caught in such states, have they not fallen into Satan’s trap? These are the shackles of Satan’s corrupt nature that bind humans” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). What God exposes was exactly my state—I was trapped in a state of jealousy toward Wang Yan and couldn’t extricate myself. At first, I was able to cooperate normally with her because the leaders and the brothers and sisters would come to me for work matters, I used to be responsible for arranging and handling issues big and small, and I held a dominant position in the team. But when I saw Wang Yan gradually beginning to stand out and gain approval from the leaders and everyone turning to her with their problems, I felt that my status was threatened and I was unwilling to let her surpass me. To secure my position, I began to exclude her and I prevented her from taking on more work. Seeing the leaders approve her suggestions, I felt upset, so when checking videos later on, I avoided discussing and exchanging ideas with her. Instead, I worked hard secretly, hoping to propose better modifications to overshadow her. When the leaders pointed out her deviations and problems in her video checking, instead of collaborating with her to summarize and discuss these things, I secretly felt pleased, desperately hoping her suggestions wouldn’t be favored by the leaders, so that I could stand out. When Wang Yan hosted the study and exchange meeting, and I saw her standing out during the meeting, I felt jealous and disdainful. I deliberately avoided working with her to make things difficult for her, which led to her feeling constrained by me. Later, seeing her constantly making a name for herself, while my own presence was diminishing, my repulsion toward her grew stronger, and I lived in a state of jealousy and resentment. The workload of reviewing videos was substantial, and the leaders arranged for Wang Yan to collaborate with me to shoulder the video work to produce more videos to testify to God. But to protect my status, I disregarded both the church’s work and her feelings. All my actions were excluding and constraining her, and unconsciously, I was disrupting and obstructing the video work. I was truly selfish, despicable, and had no humanity! Realizing all this, I prayed to God in repentance, expressing my willingness to collaborate with Wang Yan to do our duties well.

After a period of time, seeing her significant progress in professional skills, I found myself uncontrollably competing with her once again. However, the more I competed, the darker my heart became. When checking videos, she raised issues of principles, while I only pointed out minor issues not related to principles. I felt very embarrassed and harbored even more jealousy and resentment toward her. Once, she discussed some suggestions for video modifications with me. In truth, her suggestions were reasonable, but I felt that accepting her suggestions would make me seem inferior to her. So I kept rejecting her suggestions without considering the principles, and eventually, she didn’t dare to insist on her views because she felt constrained by me, and she made the modifications according to my ideas. As a result, the leaders found that the modified video was worse than the original. They asked us why the video had been modified to turn out like this. I merely admitted in an understated way that it was my arrogance and refusal to accept suggestions that had led to this. Over time, Wang Yan became increasingly adept at applying principles in checking videos, while I couldn’t identify problems even after watching a video several times. I felt a deep sense of darkness and dejection. But what came as an even greater surprise to me was that after a while, I suddenly fell ill and couldn’t do my duty, and the leaders arranged for me to go back home to recover. On the day I left, I looked back at Wang Yan busy at the computer, and I left the team unwillingly, feeling like a dog with its tail between its legs. I even harbored malicious thoughts, “Don’t think you’re all that! One day you’ll find yourself walking in my shoes!”

After returning home, I was alone and felt an emptiness and a lack of direction in my heart. I thought about how the brothers and sisters were all working hard to do their duties, while I couldn’t do any duty. This gap between us made me feel really upset. Losing such an important duty left me with deep regret and pain, and I prayed and cried out to God countless times. Later, I realized that the illness was no coincidence, and it became clear to me that this was God chastening and disciplining me. I thought of these words of God: “All the work that God does in man has its own aims and significance; God does not do meaningless work, nor does He do work that is without benefit to man” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Only by Experiencing Refinement Can Man Possess True Love). Pondering on God’s words, I thought about how everything God does is meaningful, and that the situation I was facing was also part of God’s orchestrations and arrangements, and carried God’s intention. I felt that I should seek the truth and reflect on myself to understand my problems. Later, I read two passages of God’s words: “In your pursuit, you have too many individual notions, hopes, and futures. The current work is in order to prune your desire for status and your extravagant desires. Hopes, status, and notions are all classic representations of satanic disposition. … The more you seek in this way, the less you will reap. The greater a person’s desire for status, the more seriously they will have to be pruned and the more they will have to undergo great refinement. Such people are worthless! They must be pruned and judged adequately in order for them to thoroughly let go of these things. If you pursue this way until the end, you will reap nothing. Those who do not pursue life cannot be transformed, and those who do not thirst for the truth cannot gain the truth. You do not focus on pursuing personal transformation and entry, but focus instead on extravagant desires and things that constrain your love for God and prevent you from drawing close to Him. Can those things transform you? Can they bring you into the kingdom?” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Why Are You Unwilling to Be a Foil?). “Man’s corrupt nature loves and pursues fame, gain, and status, it is just that the ways different people pursue and express it differ. … If you always focus on fame, gain, and status, if you value these things too highly, if they occupy your heart, and if you are unwilling to give them up, then you will be controlled and bound by them. You will become their slave, and in the end, they will utterly ruin you. You must learn to let go and set these things aside, to recommend others, and to allow them to stand out. Do not struggle or rush to take advantage of opportunities to stand out and shine. You must be able to put these things aside, but you must also not hold up the performance of your duty. Be a person who works in quiet obscurity and does not show off to others while you loyally perform your duty. The more you let go of your pride and status, and the more you let go of your interests, the more at peace you will feel, the more light there will be in your heart, and the more your state will improve. The more you struggle and compete, the darker your state will become. If you do not believe Me, try it and see! If you want to reverse this sort of corrupt state, and to not be controlled by these things, you must seek the truth, and clearly understand the essence of these things, and then put them aside and relinquish them. Otherwise, the more you struggle, the darker your heart will become, and the more envy and hatred you will feel, and your desire to obtain these things will only grow stronger. The stronger your desire to obtain them, the less you will be able to obtain them, and as this happens, your hatred will increase. As your hatred increases, you will grow darker inside. The darker you are inside, the worse your performance of your duty will become, and the worse your performance of your duty becomes, the less useful you will be to the house of God. This is an interlinked, vicious cycle. If you never perform your duty well, you will gradually be eliminated” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). Through the exposure of God’s words, I saw that after being corrupted by Satan, we all love reputation and status. The more we pursue reputation and status, the more we are bound and controlled by them, unable to break free, and in the end, we will only be spurned and eliminated by God for committing many evils. Reflecting on the time working with Wang Yan, when my status was threatened, I became jealous and excluded her. The more unwilling I was to accept it, the more I competed, and the more I competed, the darker and more painful my heart became, and also there was no path forward in doing my duty. Now I was faced with illness and sent home, with no opportunity to do my duty. This was God pruning me for my desire for reputation and status! I couldn’t help but start reflecting on why I had reached this point. God’s words exposed that “Hopes, status, and notions are all classic representations of satanic disposition” (The Word, Vol. 1. The Appearance and Work of God. Why Are You Unwilling to Be a Foil?). I took the poisons that Satan instills in people, such as “Only I reign supreme,” “Hold a position above others,” and “Stand out above the rest” as the goals I pursued in life. I always wanted to occupy a prominent position among people, believing that only this would give me a sense of presence and make life valuable and meaningful. After becoming the supervisor, I felt that I was a rare person of talent in the church. The leaders and the brothers and sisters would come to me to discuss work matters, and I was the one who reviewed and checked out the videos made by the brothers and sisters. My vanity was greatly satisfied. After working with Wang Yang, as she gradually stood out, I became jealous and disdainful. To protect my status, I isolated, neglected, and excluded her. But the more I competed, the darker my soul became. Seeing her duty getting more and more effective, I became even more disdainful. In the end, to protect my pride and status, I even vented my frustrations on my duty. I kept rejecting her suggestions regardless of their suitability, leading to reworking the videos and delaying the progress. While I was working with Wang Yan, since she was better at professional skills, and I grasped more principles, our collaboration allowed us to draw on each other’s strengths and compensate for each other’s weaknesses, so that the results of our duties could get better. However, my mind was consumed with striving for reputation. To preserve my dominant position in the team, I suppressed and excluded her, disrupting and disturbing the video work and placing constraints on her. Living by these satanic poisons, I had no conscience or reason at all, my heart was filled with jealousy and malice, and I did no good in my duty, not only delaying the work but also leaving stains and transgressions for myself. Realizing this, I felt regret and self-reproach, detesting my actions. So, I repented to God, not wanting to live according to my corrupt disposition anymore.

During a morning devotional, I read two passages of God’s words, which helped me gain some understanding of myself. Almighty God says: “Antichrists do not necessarily want to occupy the highest position no matter where they are. Whenever they go to a place, they have a disposition and a mentality compelling them to act. What is this mentality? It is ‘I must compete! Compete! Compete!’ Why three ‘competes,’ why not a single ‘compete’? (Competition has become their life, it is what they live by.) This is their disposition. They were born with a disposition that is wildly arrogant and difficult to contain, that is, seeing themselves as second to none, and being extremely egotistical. No one can curtail this incredibly arrogant disposition of theirs; they themselves cannot control it either. So their life is all about fighting and competing. What do they fight and compete for? Naturally, they compete for fame, gain, status, face, and their own interests. No matter what methods they have to use, so long as everyone submits to them, and so long as they obtain benefits and status for themselves, they have achieved their goal. Their will to compete is not a temporary amusement; it is a kind of disposition that comes from a satanic nature. It is like the disposition of the great red dragon that fights with Heaven, fights with the earth, and fights with people. Now, when antichrists fight and compete with others in the church, what do they want? Without a doubt, they are competing for reputation and status” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Three)). “Anyone who pursues fame, gain and status rather than properly doing their duty is playing with fire and playing with their life. Those who play with fire and their lives can doom themselves at any moment. Today, as a leader or a worker, you are serving God, which is no ordinary thing. You are not doing things for some person, much less working to pay bills and put food on the table; instead, you are performing your duty in the church. And given, in particular, that this duty came from God’s commission, what does performing it imply? That you are accountable to God for your duty, whether you do it well or not; ultimately, an account must be given to God, there must be an outcome. What you have accepted is God’s commission, a hallowed responsibility, so no matter how important or minor this responsibility is, it is a serious business. How serious is it? On a small scale it involves whether you can gain the truth in this lifetime and it involves how God views you. On a larger scale, it directly relates to your prospects and destiny, to your outcome; if you commit evil and oppose God, you will be condemned and punished. Everything you do when you perform your duty is recorded by God, and God has His own principles and standards for how it is scored and evaluated; God determines your outcome based on all that is manifested by you as you perform your duty” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Eight: They Would Have Others Submit Only to Them, Not the Truth or God (Part One)). God’s words expose in great detail the nature of the antichrists’ tendency to “compete,” and clearly fellowship the nature and consequences of the antichrists’ competition for fame and gain. I was filled with fear and trepidation, and couldn’t help but recall the days of working with Wang Yan. For the sake of reputation and status, I neglected my duties and responsibilities, caring nothing about the church’s work, and constantly competing with Wang Yan. In the end, I became ill and wasn’t able to do my duties. God had lifted me up and given me the opportunity to be responsible for the video work, but I didn’t value it at all. Driven by selfish desires, I still competed despite knowing it would delay the work. I was walking the path of an antichrist, disrupted and disturbed the video work, and offended God’s disposition. I thought about how when I left and saw Wang Yan still doing her duty, while I felt like a dog with its tail between its legs, I felt particularly frustrated, and even harbored malicious thoughts, wishing for her to lose her duty as well. I saw that I had been consumed by reputation, losing my conscience and reason, and becoming arrogant and malicious. If I didn’t repent, my belief in God would come to an end. Recognizing all this, I silently prayed to God, “Oh God, I am willing to repent before You and I won’t act this way anymore in the future.” At the same time, I realized that God used this illness to stop me from continuing down the path of committing evil, and prevent me from committing greater evils to disrupt and obstruct the video work. This was God’s love and protection, and I thanked God in my heart.

Later, I read that God’s words say: “If you are truly capable of showing consideration for God’s intentions, you will be able to treat other people fairly. If you recommend a good person and allow them to undergo training and perform a duty, thereby adding a person of talent to God’s house, will that not make your work easier? Will you not then be showing loyalty in your duty? That is a good deed before God; it is the minimum conscience and reason that those who serve as leaders should possess. … Do not always do things for your own sake and do not constantly consider your own interests; do not consider the interests of man, and give no thought to your own pride, reputation, and status. You must first consider the interests of God’s house, and make them your priority. You should be considerate of God’s intentions and begin by contemplating whether or not there have been impurities in the performance of your duty, whether you have been loyal, fulfilled your responsibilities, and given it your all, as well as whether or not you have been wholeheartedly thinking about your duty and the work of the church. You must consider these things. If you think about them frequently and figure them out, it will be easier for you to perform your duty well” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Freedom and Liberation Can Be Gained Only by Casting Off One’s Corrupt Disposition). “No one, no matter their strengths, gifts, or special talents, can take on all the work themselves; they must learn to cooperate in harmony if they are to do the church’s work well. That is why harmonious cooperation is a principle of the practice of performing one’s duty. As long as you apply all your heart and all your energy and all your loyalty, and offer up everything you can do, you are performing your duty well” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. The Proper Fulfillment of Duty Requires Harmonious Cooperation). After reading God’s words, I understood that those who truly consider God’s intentions and carry a burden for their duties can set aside their personal reputation and status to cultivate talented people. This is something remembered by God. In fact, no matter how capable, competent, and experienced a person is, it is impossible for them to shoulder all the work alone. If talented individuals can be cultivated, and the brothers and sisters can cooperate with each other to fulfill their functions, isn’t this far more beneficial for the church’s work? I saw that I was too narrow-minded. Even though I didn’t work with Wang Yan later on, no matter whom I would work with, I was willing to put God’s words into practice, and be a person who considers God’s intentions to do my duty well.

Afterward, I was elected as a church leader and assigned to collaborate with Sister Chen Feng. When I learned the news, I thought, “Didn’t Chen Feng do the duty of making videos before? I used to be her supervisor. I didn’t expect her to become a church leader now.” After working with her for some time, I noticed that she progressed rapidly and excelled in many areas. I worried that she might surpass me soon, and that the brothers and sisters would then regard her more highly than me. So I felt reluctant to arrange for her to attend gatherings in every group. At this point, I realized that my state was incorrect. So I prayed to God, expressing the willingness to let go of my personal reputation and status, and to learn how to harmoniously collaborate with her, working together with one heart and one mind to do the church’s work well. Afterward, Chen Feng and I went to every group together and collaborated with each other in hosting gatherings. When I was no longer constrained by reputation and status, I felt peace and ease in my heart.

Later, I further reflected on myself and discovered that I held a fallacious perspective, which was the concept of hierarchical seniority. I thought that since I used to be a supervisor and had once been responsible for some brothers’ and sisters’ work, I should be better than them, not worse. I read that God’s words say: “This is the sort of atmosphere you must have within the church—everyone focusing on the truth and striving to attain it. It does not matter how old or young people are, or whether or not they are veteran believers. Nor does it matter whether they have high or low caliber. These things do not matter. Before the truth, everyone is equal. The things you must look at are who speaks correctly and in conformity with the truth, who thinks of the interests of God’s house, who bears the greatest burden in the work of God’s house, who understands the truth more clearly, who shares a sense of justice, and who is willing to pay the price. Such people should be supported and applauded by their brothers and sisters. This atmosphere of uprightness that comes from pursuing the truth must prevail within the church; in this way, you will have the work of the Holy Spirit, and God will bestow blessings and guidance” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Only One Who Performs Their Duty Well With All Their Heart, Mind, and Soul Is One Who Loves God). After reading God’s words, I realized that everyone is equal in God’s eyes. Regardless of how long someone has done their duties or what duties they are doing, as long as they uphold the church’s interests and what they fellowship accords with the truth principles, we should accept and obey, and offer support and cooperation. Although I used to be a supervisor, it didn’t mean I understood or knew everything. Chen Feng had better discernment than I did, and she could identify deviations and issues in my duty. With her guidance and supplementing, the work could be completed more thoroughly. I saw that I did not understand myself at all, always considering myself superior just because of my position as a supervisor. How arrogant and unreasonable I was! Now I understand that everyone has different strengths and advantages, and that God arranges for us to collaborate in our duties to draw on each other’s strengths and make up for each other’s weaknesses, so that the effectiveness of our duties can be continually improved. Thank God!