By Li Yishun, China

When I first found God, I was very passionate, and after two months, I began to do general affairs duties. Later, I took on hosting duties, and despite being busy with all sorts of tasks, I never complained about the hardships or exhaustion. I believed that to be saved, I needed to prepare more good deeds, and that I had to endure more suffering and pay a price in my duties. Two years later, in 2007, I was chosen as a church leader, and I put in even more effort and expended myself even more. I couldn’t ride a bike, so I’d walk to gatherings in places where transportation was inconvenient. I didn’t feel tired, as if I had endless energy, and I felt that God was watching my efforts, and that in the future, God would reward my sacrifices with a good destination. Later on, I’d actively cooperate on whatever duties the church arranged, and although my old age posed some real difficulties, I was never constrained by these things.

In 2017, when I was 76 years old, the leaders arranged for me to do cleansing work in the church. I was very happy, feeling that even at my age, I still had the opportunity to do my duties, which was truly God gracing and exalting me! I told myself to cherish this opportunity to do my duties. The duties kept me quite busy at that time, and I’d normally end up going to bed late, but I didn’t feel tired. One day in 2019, I suddenly felt dizzy and had some difficulty breathing while walking. After a checkup at the hospital, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and heart disease, and the doctor advised me to be hospitalized for treatment. I felt uneasy, thinking, “Being hospitalized isn’t a matter of just one or two days; if I’m hospitalized, the leaders will definitely need to find someone else to take over my duty, then won’t I lose my chance to do this duty? At my age, with my health issues, I won’t be able to do other duties either. If I get discharged and can only provide hospitality for small group gatherings, what good deeds will I be able to perform in such a trivial duty? Without good deeds, how will I be saved? No, I absolutely can’t abandon my duty to be hospitalized for treatment. Besides, if God sees me persisting in my duties through my illness, He will surely protect me.” I quickly said, “I won’t stay in the hospital; I’ll just go home and take medication for treatment.” After that, I continued to do my duties as usual every day.

One night two years later, I suddenly felt a sharp stabbing pain from along my waist to my hips. The next day, my daughter took me to the hospital for an examination, and I was diagnosed with a spinal fracture caused by osteoporosis. My head rang, and it felt as if the sky was falling down on me. I felt my heart racing and the strength drained from my body. I sat in a chair, feeling an indescribable pain in my heart, not knowing how to face this reality. I thought to myself, “I’ve believed in God for so many years, and although I haven’t suffered great hardships in my duties, I’ve endured many small difficulties. Moreover, since I am currently doing my duties, how could this illness suddenly strike me? Could it be that God is using this to stop me from doing my duties?” I felt utterly desolated. I then thought, “Even if I recover from this illness in the future, at my age, I won’t be able to do any significant duties. At most, I’d just be able to provide hospitality for gatherings. I wouldn’t be able to suffer or expend myself, so what good deeds could come from doing my duties like that? I really envy those younger brothers and sisters who can do all kinds of duties. How wonderful it would be if I could just turn back the clock by a few decades! Why didn’t God let me be born a few decades later?” When I got home, I could only lie down, and I had to shuffle along little by little. I couldn’t do any duties. When the sisters came over, even opening the door was a struggle for me. I felt really negative, thinking, “Have I become useless? I’ve believed in God for so many years, always doing my duties, suffering and expending myself so much. I once believed that I could be saved, but I never dreamed I’d become useless and unable to do any duties.” These thoughts made my heart sink. I lived in a state of negativity, and my heart couldn’t find peace before God. My spirit became really dark. So I prayed to God, “God, ever since I fell ill and couldn’t do my duties, I’ve been feeling quite despondent. I’m always worried that I can’t be saved, and I don’t know what aspect of the truth I should seek to resolve this. Please enlighten and guide me to recognize my issues.”

Later, I read some of God’s words: “There are also elderly people among brothers and sisters, who are aged from 60 up to around 80 or 90 and who, because of their advanced age, also experience some difficulties. Despite their age, their thinking is not necessarily so correct or rational, and their ideas and views do not necessarily accord with the truth. These elderly people have problems just the same, and they’re always worrying, ‘My health isn’t so good anymore and I’m limited as to what duty I can perform. If I just perform this little duty, will God remember me? Sometimes I get sick, and I need someone to look after me. When there’s no one to look after me, I’m not able to perform my duty, so what can I do? I’m old and I don’t remember God’s words when I read them and it’s hard for me to understand the truth. When fellowshipping on the truth, I speak in a muddled and illogical way, and I haven’t any experiences worth sharing. I’m old and I don’t have enough energy, my eyesight isn’t very good and I’m not strong anymore. Everything is difficult for me. Not only can I not perform my duty, but I easily forget things and get things wrong. Sometimes I get confused and I cause problems for the church and for my brothers and sisters. I want to attain salvation and pursue the truth but it’s very hard. What can I do?’ When they think of these things, they begin to fret, thinking, ‘How come I only started believing in God at this age? How come I’m not like those who are in their 20s and 30s, or even those in their 40s and 50s? How come I only came across God’s work now when I’m so old? It’s not that my fate is bad; at least now I’ve encountered God’s work. My fate is good, and God has been kind to me! There’s just one thing that I’m not happy about, and that is that I’m too old. My memory isn’t very good, and my health isn’t that great, but I have a strong heart. It’s just that my body doesn’t obey me, and I get sleepy after listening for a while at gatherings. Sometimes I close my eyes to pray and fall asleep, and my mind wanders when I read God’s words. After reading for a bit, I get sleepy and doze off, and the words don’t sink in. What can I do? With such practical difficulties, am I still able to pursue and understand the truth? If not, and if I’m not able to practice in line with the truth principles, then won’t all my faith be in vain? Won’t I fail to attain salvation? What can I do? I’m so worried! …’ … it is not that elderly people have nothing to do, nor are they unable to perform their duties, much less are they unable to pursue the truth—there are many things for them to do. The various heresies and fallacies that you have accumulated during your lifetime, as well as the various traditional ideas and notions, ignorant and stubborn things, conservative things, irrational things, and distorted things that you have accumulated have all piled up in your heart, and you should spend even more time than young people to dig out, dissect, and recognize these things. It’s not the case that you have nothing to do, or that you should feel distressed, anxious, and worried when you are at a loose end—this is neither your task nor your responsibility. First of all, elderly people should have the correct mindset. Although you may be getting on in years and you are relatively aged physically, still you should have a young mindset. Although you’re getting old, your thinking is slowed and your memory is poor, if you can still know yourself, still understand the words I say, and still understand the truth, then that proves you are not old and that your caliber is not lacking. If someone is in their 70s but is not able to understand the truth, then this shows that their stature is too small and not up to the task. Therefore, age is irrelevant when it comes to the truth” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (3)). After reading God’s words and reflecting on my state, I realized that my state was exactly as God had exposed, and I felt ashamed and embarrassed. For many years, I’d believed in God and focused on outward work rather than putting effort into the truth, and I didn’t have a clear understanding of the truths regarding how God works to save people. Once I fell ill, my corrupt disposition and fallacious, biased thoughts and views were all exposed. When I’d been healthy, without illness or disaster falling upon me, I did my duties every day just as any young person did, and I felt really happy. As I aged, various illnesses came one after another, and I constantly worried about when I might fall ill and be unable to do my duties. I often became anxious and frustrated, wallowing in negative emotions. Later, when I fell ill and couldn’t do my duties, I completely collapsed and even misunderstood God, thinking that God wanted to eliminate me and that He was no longer going to save me, so I couldn’t rise up and lived in a negative state. Now I understood that although I was old and sick and couldn’t go out to do my duties, my mind was still clear, I could still comprehend God’s words, and I could still seek the truth to resolve my corrupt disposition. Under the guidance of God’s words, I gained faith. I quietly told myself that while I was still alive, I had to seize this limited opportunity to strive for the truth and use the truth to resolve the biased and fallacious thoughts and views within me. I prayed to God, “God, when I was able to expend myself in my duties before, I felt that I really pursued the truth, but now that I’ve fallen ill, I’ve developed misunderstandings and have become overly burdened with negativity. What exactly has caused this? Please enlighten and guide me so that I can learn a lesson.”

I read two passages of God’s words: “Everyone who comes to believe in God is only ready to accept God’s grace, blessings, and promises, and only willing to accept His kindness and compassion. Yet no one is waiting or preparing to accept God’s chastisement and judgment, His trials and refinement, or His deprivation, and not a single person makes preparations to accept God’s judgment and chastisement, His deprivation, or His curses. Is this relationship between people and God normal or abnormal? (Abnormal.) Why do you say that it’s abnormal? Where does it fall short? It falls short in that people do not have the truth. It is because people have too many notions and imaginings, constantly misunderstand God, and do not fix these things by seeking the truth—this makes it most likely for problems to occur. In particular, people only believe in God for the sake of being blessed. They only want to strike a deal with God, and demand things from Him, but do not pursue the truth. This is very dangerous. As soon as they encounter something that is at odds with their notions, they immediately develop notions, grievances, and misunderstandings with respect to God, and can even go so far as to betray Him. Are the consequences of this serious? What path do most people walk in their faith in God? Though you may have listened to so many sermons and feel that you have come to understand quite a few truths, the fact is that you are still walking the path of believing in God only to eat your fill of loaves” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. What It Means to Pursue the Truth (11)). “People believe in God in order to be blessed, to be rewarded, to be crowned. Doesn’t this exist in everyone’s heart? It is a fact that it does. Although people don’t often talk about it, and even cover up their motive and desire to obtain blessings, this desire and motive deep in people’s hearts has always been unshakable. No matter how much spiritual theory people understand, what experiential knowledge they have, what duty they can perform, how much suffering they endure, or how much of a price they pay, they never let go of the motivation for blessings hidden deep in their hearts, and always silently toil in its service. Isn’t this the thing buried deepest inside people’s hearts? Without this motivation to receive blessings, how would you feel? With what attitude would you perform your duty and follow God? What would become of people if this motivation to receive blessings that is hidden in their hearts was gotten rid of? It is possible that many people would become negative, while some would become demotivated in their duties. They would lose interest in their belief in God, as if their soul had vanished. They would appear as if their heart had been snatched away. This is why I say the motivation for blessings is something hidden deep in people’s hearts” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Six Indicators of Life Growth). What God exposed was my true state. For many years of believing in God, my expenditures and sufferings had all been driven by my desire to gain blessings. I regarded my sacrifices and expenditures as bargaining chips to exchange for entry into the kingdom. I believed that the more suffering I endured, the greater the price I paid, and the more good deeds I prepared, the more qualified I was to be saved. So I focused on suffering and expenditure in my duties, but when I fell ill and I could no longer do my duties, all of a sudden, I collapsed. This truly revealed me for exactly what I was. When there was something to gain, I found myself able to cast aside everything, endure hardships, pay a price, and expend myself, but once I saw that my hope of receiving blessings was gone, I gave up on myself, and in an instant, all my misunderstandings and complaints surfaced. I saw that I was doing my duties just to gain blessings, treating my efforts, suffering, and expenditure as means by which to bargain with God. I was truly despicable! What I did not only made God detest and hate me, but it also made me feel disgusted with myself. A person like me didn’t deserve God’s salvation! It was through the exposure of God’s words that I saw I was on the wrong path in my faith, and that if I didn’t repent, I was destined for failure.

One day, I read more of God’s words: “Believing in God is not about gaining grace or God’s tolerance and pity. What is it about, then? It is about being saved. So, what is the mark of salvation? What are the standards required by God? What does it take to be saved? The resolution of one’s corrupt disposition. This is the crux of the matter. So, at the end of the day, when all is said and done, no matter how much you have suffered or how great a price you have paid, or however much of a true believer you proclaim yourself to be—if, in the end, your corrupt disposition has not been resolved at all, it means that you are not someone who pursues the truth. Or it can be said that because you do not pursue the truth, your corrupt disposition has not been resolved. This means that you have not embarked at all on the path of salvation; it means that all that God says and all the work that He does to save man has achieved nothing in you, it has led to no testimony from you, and it has borne no fruit within you” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. What It Means to Pursue the Truth (2)). From God’s words, I understood that salvation isn’t measured by how many roads one has traveled or how great a price one has paid. No matter how many roads a person has traveled or how much one has suffered, if their disposition hasn’t changed, then they can’t be saved and will ultimately be eliminated. Only by pursuing the truth and changing one’s disposition can one gain God’s approval. In the past, I believed that the more duties I did and the greater I suffered, the greater my chances of salvation were. So I focused solely on doing outward work, expending myself and suffering, thinking that if I did these things, I would have a chance at salvation, and even thought my pursuit was justified. I realized that my views were truly distorted. When I fell ill, I didn’t seek the truth to resolve my corrupt disposition, but instead developed misunderstandings and complaints against God, and lived in a state of negativity. With my lack of pursuit for the truth, no matter how many roads I traveled or how much I suffered, if my life disposition didn’t change, then I wouldn’t meet with God’s approval. The opportunity God gives people to do their duties is meant to enable them to focus on life entry in the course of their duties, and to allow them to become able to act according to the truth principles, and constantly reflect on themselves and seek the truth to resolve their corrupt disposition. Only by doing these things can people attain salvation from God. I heard a hymn of God’s words titled “God Wishes Mankind Will Pursue the Truth and Survive”:

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3  As far as each person is concerned, no matter your caliber, or age, or the number of years you have believed in God, you should put your efforts toward the path of pursuing the truth. You shouldn’t place emphasis on any objective excuses; you should pursue the truth unconditionally. Don’t muddle along. Suppose that you take the pursuit of the truth as a great matter in your life, and strive and put your efforts toward it, and perhaps the truths you gain and are able to reach in your pursuit are not what you’d have wished for, but God says that He will give you a fitting destination in view of your attitude of pursuing the truth and your sincerity—how wonderful that will be!

4  For now, don’t focus on what your destination or outcome will be, or what will happen and what the future holds, or whether you will be able to avoid disaster and not die—don’t think of these things or make requests regarding these things. Just focus on God’s words and requirements, and come to pursue the truth, do your duty well, satisfy God’s intentions, and avoid disappointing God’s six thousand years of waiting, and His six thousand years of anticipation. Give God some comfort; let Him see hope in you, and let His wishes be realized in you. Tell Me, would God treat you unjustly if you did so? Even if the end results aren’t as people would have wished, as created beings, they should submit in all things to God’s orchestrations and arrangements, without having any personal plans. It’s right to have this mindset.

—The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. Why Man Must Pursue the Truth

After this, I read a passage of God’s words: “The pursuit of the truth is a great matter of human life. No other matter is as important as pursuing the truth, and no other matter surpasses gaining the truth in value. Has it been easy, to follow God up until today? Hurry, and make your pursuit of the truth a matter of import! This stage of work in the last days is the most important stage of work God does on people in His six-thousand-year management plan. The pursuit of the truth is the highest expectation God places on His chosen people. He hopes that people walk the correct path, which is the pursuit of the truth” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. Why Man Must Pursue the Truth). From God’s words, I felt God’s painstaking intentions, and my heart was truly touched. I couldn’t help but shed tears of regret and guilt. Looking back on my years of faith in God, I saw that I hadn’t focused on seeking the truth in God’s words, but only focused on outward work, and that my life disposition had hardly changed. God graced me with the opportunity to do my duties, intending for me to pursue the truth and life entry in the course of my duties, but I went astray, using my duties to try and bargain with God. In what way did I have any conscience or reason? I couldn’t focus on my outcome and destination anymore. Regardless of how God would treat me or whether I would have a good outcome, I had to earnestly pursue the truth and do my duty to the best of my ability to comfort God’s heart. Later on, when my health improved a bit, I began doing hosting duties.

After this, due to the severe persecution and arrests carried out by the CCP, I couldn’t do hosting duties anymore. I felt a bit lost. But then I thought that even though I couldn’t do my duty, I could still practice eating and drinking God’s words independently at home and invest more effort into contemplating them, and I could also write experiential testimony articles, seek the truth and reflect on myself. Additionally, there were lessons I could learn at home. In the past, I always wanted to have the final say, to speak from a position of status, and to argue back when things occurred, which involved my arrogant disposition that I needed to resolve. So I read God’s words and reflected on myself, and when things happened to me, I consciously submitted and learned lessons, learning to put myself aside and accept others’ guidance. Now, I am old and can’t do any important duties. But God says: “Has it been easy, to follow God up until today? Hurry, and make your pursuit of the truth a matter of import! This stage of work in the last days is the most important stage of work God does on people in His six-thousand-year management plan. The pursuit of the truth is the highest expectation God places on His chosen people. He hopes that people walk the correct path, which is the pursuit of the truth” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. Why Man Must Pursue the Truth). God’s words inspire me, and I am willing to put effort into pursuing the truth. For as long as I live, I will pursue the truth and diligently follow God!