By Yezi, China

In 2022, I was watering newcomers in the church, and I knew this was God’s exaltation, so I made a resolution to cherish this training opportunity and make my contribution to the spread of the gospel of the kingdom. Later, I cooperated with Sister Zhang Xin. I saw that she fellowshipped the truth pretty clearly, watered newcomers as each of them needed, and resolved their specific issues. Sometimes I couldn’t see through certain matters, but she could fellowship and resolve them easily. Thus, I felt that she was a person who understood the truth and had the reality, and that I paled in comparison. I both admired and envied her. I thought, “Zhang Xin understands so much! The things I know are insignificant in comparison. If we fellowship in a gathering together, will she think that my level is so low and see me for what I really am?” So when we discussed issues together, I just listened to her fellowship like a radio and said very little to keep her from laughing at me for my shallow fellowship. Later, I noticed that she often showed off in gatherings, talking about things like how the states of newcomers watered by a certain sister were poor, how she helped them back on track after she came, how, when she saw some brothers and sisters had become negative, she fellowshipped the truth to bring them out of their negativity and misunderstandings, and how she helped when the church leaders were overwhelmed with the church’s work. I wanted to point this out to Zhang Xin, but then I thought, “She really does have real experiences and her fellowship solves problems effectively. What will she think of me if I point out her issues inaccurately?” So I didn’t point out her problems.

Later, when a supervisor said something without considering Zhang Xin’s feelings, Zhang Xin developed a bias against him and was reading too much into people and things. I wanted to fellowship with her and point out her problems, but then I thought, “Zhang Xin understands the truth better than I do, does she still need my guidance? Wouldn’t I just be showing off in front of an expert? I can’t see things clearly myself, and my understanding of the truth is too shallow. If my fellowship is unclear, won’t she see through me?” I thought about the matter over and over again, but I ended up swallowing my words. Around midday, I happened to read a passage of God’s words that was quite relevant to her state. I was just about to fellowship with her when a thought popped up: “Zhang Xin’s comprehension of God’s words is much better than mine, does she need my fellowship when she already knows everything? It’d be better to let her read God’s words herself, this would help her and not expose my shortcomings.” With this in mind, I said to her, “This passage of God’s words is really good, have a read.” I waited in the hope that she would recognize her incorrect state after reading the passage, but to my surprise, she didn’t say anything after reading it. I was a bit disappointed, and wanted to fellowship with her, but then I thought, “My understanding of God’s words is pretty superficial, and I wouldn’t be able to fellowship anything practical. I should just have some self-knowledge.” With this in mind, I immediately abandoned the idea of fellowshipping with Zhang Xin, and thought that even though she was living in a corrupt disposition, she would gradually recognize and resolve her issues on her own as she understood so much. But things didn’t turn out as I imagined. Zhang Xin would go on to mention the matter often, but she wasn’t recognizing herself, and instead, her fellowship made people think that the problem lay with the supervisor and that her revelations of corruption were due to some reason. Sometimes during gatherings, she would also mention this matter, causing disturbances. I really wanted to fellowship on these issues with her, but every time I tried to speak, it felt like something was stuck in my throat, and I always felt that Zhang Xin understood much more than I did, and that fellowshipping with her would be like teaching my grandma to suck an egg. I decided not to fellowship after all and the matter just passed by like this. Later, when a leader came to our gathering, he fellowshipped and exposed Zhang Xin’s issues, and Zhang Xin accepted this. Only then did I start to reflect on myself.

A few days later, I read God’s words and gained some understanding of my state. Almighty God says: “No matter what happens to them, when cowardly people meet with some difficulty, they shrink back. Why do they do this? One reason is that this is caused by their feeling of inferiority. Because they feel inferior, they do not dare to go before people, they cannot even take on the obligations and responsibilities they ought to take on, nor can they take on what they are actually capable of achieving within the scope of their own ability and caliber, and within the scope of the experience of their own humanity. This feeling of inferiority affects every aspect of their humanity, it affects their personality and, of course, it also affects their character. When around other people, they seldom express their own views, and you hardly ever hear them clarify their own standpoint or opinion. When they encounter an issue, they dare not speak, but instead constantly shrink back and retreat. When there are few people there, they feel brave enough to sit among them, but when there are a lot of people there, they look for a corner and head for where the lighting is dim, not daring to come among other people. Whenever they feel they would like to positively and actively say something and express their own views and opinions to show that what they think is right, they do not even have the courage to do that. Whenever they have such ideas, their feeling of inferiority comes pouring out all at once, and it controls them, stifles them, telling them, ‘Don’t say anything, you’re no good. Don’t express your views, just keep your ideas to yourself. If there is anything in your heart you really want to say, just make a note of it on the computer and ruminate on it by yourself. You must not let anyone else know about it. What if you said something wrong? It would be so embarrassing!’ This voice keeps telling you not to do this, not to do that, not to say this, not to say that, causing you to swallow back down every word you wish to say. When there is something you want to say that you have turned over in your heart for a long time, you beat a retreat and dare not say it, or else you feel embarrassed to say it, believing that you ought not to do it, and if you do it then you feel as though you have broken some rule or violated the law. And when one day you do actively express your own view, deep inside you feel incomparably perturbed and uneasy. Even though this feeling of great unease gradually fades, your feeling of inferiority slowly smothers the ideas, intentions and plans you have for wanting to speak, wanting to express your own views, wanting to be a normal person, and wanting to be just like everyone else. Those who don’t understand you believe you are a person of few words, quiet, shy of character, someone who does not like to stand out from the crowd. When you speak in front of lots of other people, you feel embarrassed and your face turns red; you are somewhat introverted, and only you, in actuality, know that you feel inferior. … Some people say, ‘I don’t think I’m inferior and I’m not under any kind of constraint. No one has ever provoked me or belittled me, nor has anyone ever stifled me. I live very freely, so doesn’t that mean that I do not have this feeling of inferiority?’ Is that correct? (No, sometimes we still have that feeling of inferiority.) You may still have it, to a greater or lesser extent. It may not dominate your innermost heart, but in some scenarios it can arise in a moment. For example, you bump into someone you idolize, someone much more talented than you, someone with more special skills and gifts than you, someone more domineering than you, someone more overbearing than you, someone more evil than you, someone taller and more attractive than you, someone with status in society, someone rich, someone with more education and with higher status than you, someone who is older and has believed in God for longer, someone with more experience and reality in their belief in God, and then you cannot stop your feeling of inferiority from arising. When this feeling arises, your ‘living very freely’ vanishes, you become timid and you lose your nerve, you ponder how to phrase your words, your facial expression becomes unnatural, you feel restrained in your words and movements, and you begin to package yourself. These and other manifestations happen because of the arising of your feeling of inferiority” (The Word, Vol. 6. On the Pursuit of the Truth. How to Pursue the Truth (1)). From the exposure of God’s words, I saw that people with feelings of inferiority always feel that they are not as good as others, and thus don’t dare voice their opinions. Particularly when they come across people who are more capable and gifted than themselves, they become even more timid and lose their nerve, and even if they notice problems with the other person, they dare not speak out. They are overly cautious and apprehensive, and so are incapable of protecting the interests of the church. Reflecting on my cooperation with Zhang Xin, when I saw that she understood more and fellowshipped well, and in particular, that she could resolve all the problems newcomers raised and had a clear path in her fellowship, I felt that she had the truth realities, and that by comparison, I was far behind. What I knew seemed totally insignificant compared to what she understood, and I was even embarrassed to bring things up in fellowship. I felt like an elementary student in front of her, and that I should just listen closely to her, which caused me to live in a state of feeling inferior. Because of my feelings of inferiority, I acted as if I were just a radio when we discussed problems, mostly just listening to her and not expressing my own views. I saw Zhang Xin often showing off, but I refrained from pointing it out or helping, thinking that she had the truth realities and was getting results in her duty, and that it was normal for her to reveal a little bit of corrupt disposition. Zhang Xin read too much into people and things, and developed biases against the supervisor, and I knew I should fellowship with her to help her reflect and learn a lesson from this, but I felt that she could see through things better than I could, and that my knowledge and comprehension were just mediocre, and that I wasn’t on the same level as her, so I felt unqualified to fellowship with her. Due to my sense of inferiority, I dared not speak out even when I saw her issues, I became timid and lost my nerve before her, and I even abandoned thoughts of fellowshipping about the few opinions I had. In fact, as a person with normal rationality, no matter how well we fellowship, if we find a problem, we should fulfill our responsibility and fellowship on it as much as we can. This is also practicing one aspect of the truth. However, because of my feelings of inferiority, I didn’t dare to say anything about Zhang Xin’s problems or point them out, and I failed to do what I could have done. Realizing this, I felt quite regretful, and I prayed to God in my heart, resolving to fellowship and help with any issues I saw in others, no matter who the other person was, and not to be bound by feelings of inferiority.

Later, I also prayed and sought in my heart on why I felt so inferior before people better than myself. During a gathering, I fellowshipped about my state. A sister pointed out my issues, saying that I placed too much importance on my vanity and status, and that I feared being belittled and losing my reputation and status as a result of speaking up. After hearing the sister’s guidance, I consciously focused on eating and drinking God’s words in this regard. One day, I read a passage of God’s words: “Instead of searching for the truth, most people have their own petty agendas. Their own interests, face, and the place or standing they hold in other people’s minds are of great importance to them. These are the only things they cherish. They cling to these things with an iron grip and regard them as their very lives. And how they are viewed or treated by God is of secondary importance; for the moment, they ignore that; for the moment, they only consider whether they are the boss of the group, whether other people look up to them, and whether their words carry weight. Their first concern is with occupying that position. When they are in a group, almost all people look for this kind of standing, these kinds of opportunities. When they’re highly talented, of course they want to be top dog; if they are of middling ability, they’ll still want to hold a higher position in the group; and if they hold a low position in the group, being of average caliber and abilities, they, too, will want others to look up to them, they won’t want others to look down on them. These people’s face and dignity are where they draw the line: They have to hold on to these things. They could have no integrity, and be possessed of neither God’s approval nor acceptance, but they absolutely cannot lose the respect, status, or esteem they have strived for among others—which is the disposition of Satan. But people have no awareness of this. It is their belief that they must cling to this scrap of face to the very end. They are not aware that only when these vain and superficial things are completely relinquished and put aside will they become a real person. If a person guards these things that should be discarded as life, their life is lost. They do not know what is at stake. And so, when they act, they always hold something back, they always try to protect their own face and status, they put these first, speaking only for their own ends, to their own spurious defense. Everything they do is for themselves” (The Word, Vol. 3. The Discourses of Christ of the Last Days. Part Three). From God’s words, I saw that corrupt humanity is extremely fond of their own vanity and status, and wants to have a good image in people’s hearts, and that those with skills and strong work abilities want a high status among others, and to be highly regarded by others. Even those with average work abilities are unwilling to be under others or be looked down upon by others, and even if it means sacrificing the interests of the church, they still want to maintain their own vanity and status. This was the kind of state I was in. Although I knew I had very scant work abilities, when faced with situations, I thought of my vanity and status first, and even if I couldn’t gain others’ admiration, at the very least, I didn’t want to be looked down upon. I felt that this was living with dignity and integrity. I lived by Satan’s laws of survival, such as “People need their pride just as a tree needs its bark,” and “A man leaves his name behind wherever he stays, just as a goose utters its cry wherever it flies,” valuing my vanity and status highly, and wanting to maintain my vanity and status at all times. Even if I wasn’t as good as others, I still wanted to leave people with a good impression of me. I had always been very concerned about others’ opinions of me. When encountering people who weren’t as good as me, I had no apprehensions, and could freely express my opinions, but whenever I saw people who were better than me in various ways, I adopted a strategy of avoidance, trying my best not to speak, hiding my shortcomings and weaknesses, and not letting others see my negative aspects so that I would at least receive a good evaluation when mentioned, otherwise, I’d really end up losing face! I recalled a time when a hosting sister was living in a negative state, and I was able to fellowship God’s words with her. I fellowshipped as much as I knew, without any apprehensions, and the sister’s state improved after my fellowship. But when it came to Zhang Xin, I saw that she was better than me in every way, and thus feared she would look down on me. Even when I noticed some issues, I didn’t dare to point them out. It was as if my mouth was taped shut. This not only did no good to Zhang Xin’s life entry but also affected church work. I had placed too much importance on my own vanity and status! Realizing this, I felt really remorseful, and came before God to pray, “God, I don’t want to carry on like this, I am willing to repent and I ask You to guide me in resolving my issues.”

Later, I read a passage of God’s words: “Everybody is equal before the truth, and there are no distinctions of age or of lowliness and nobleness for those doing their duties in God’s house. Everybody is equal before their duty, they just do different jobs. There are no distinctions between them based on who has seniority. Before the truth, everybody should keep a humble, submissive, and accepting heart. People should be possessed of this reason and this attitude” (The Word, Vol. 4. Exposing Antichrists. Item Nine (Part Eight)). God’s words tell us that before the truth, everyone is equal, that there is no such thing as high or low status, nor any distinction in qualifications. When brothers and sisters cooperate in duties, everyone should participate and actively express their views when faced with situations. Even if their fellowship is shallow, they should still contribute what they can; when discovering problems, they should raise them in time to protect the church’s work, rather than remain bystanders. This is the attitude every believer in God should have. Just like in my cooperation with Zhang Xin, although she fellowshipped the truth more clearly than I did, she also had shortcomings and revealed corruption. When I saw her revealing corruption or speaking and acting in ways that were detrimental to the church’s work, I shouldn’t have stood idly by; rather, I should have fellowshipped what I saw and understood, and fulfilled my responsibility. But I viewed people and things from worldly perspectives, believing in distinctions of high and low status, qualifications, and strengths and weaknesses among people, where the weak are always considered unqualified to raise objections against the strong, and when they do, this is seen as not knowing one’s place and can even lead to exclusion. My perspective was truly absurd! In fact, even if someone is illuminated in their fellowship and has some understanding of the truth, it does not mean they are perfect. Because everyone has corrupt dispositions and often reveals corruption, being arrogant and conceited, and acting willfully, mutual correction and help are needed. This is an act of justice that maintains the interests of God’s house and benefits people’s lives.

Going forward, when doing my duty, I often prayed to God, and no longer fretted over gains or losses in my vanity or status. When interacting with brothers and sisters, regardless of whether the other person was superior to me, I treated them correctly, and whenever I noticed things being done that didn’t align with the truth principles, I would point them out and seek and fellowship with everyone. When I practiced like this, I felt particularly relieved and liberated. Later, I encountered Sister Liu Hui, who had watered me several years ago. She had been doing her duties for a long time and could fellowship well, and back then, I had envied her. This time, when I interacted with Liu Hui again, her fellowship was clear and organized, and compared to her, I still felt lacking. One time, there was a sister who always argued back whenever she was pruned, and Liu Hui fellowshipped the consequences of carrying on this way, and the sister was quite afraid after hearing this. However, I felt that Liu Hui’s way of resolving the problem provided no path, and that she hadn’t focused on applying God’s words or testifying to God’s words so it didn’t achieve the effect of bearing witness to God. I wanted to point this out to her, but then I thought, “Although I do the leadership duty, there’s still quite a gap between us, and Liu Hui would probably have already considered what I wanted to say. Best not say anything.” At that moment, I realized I was once again being constrained by feelings of inferiority. The scenes of my failing to fulfill my duties due to my feelings of inferiority flashed before my eyes, and I thought, “I can’t live in this inferiority anymore, and I have to let go of my vanity and status. No matter how Liu Hui views me, I need to fellowship what I understand, enter with the sisters, and not leave behind any regrets.” So I pointed out the issues I had noticed. After listening, Liu Hui said that what I said was correct, and that supplementing each other’s strengths, and harmonious cooperation in this way were very good, and they were beneficial for her life entry. I was able to emerge from this state of feeling inferior and let go of my vanity and status—this change was the result of God’s work. Thank God!